Текст книги "Four Summers"

Автор книги: Nyrae Dawn

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We have a huge turnout for the summer bash. Part of me can’t help but wonder if it’s because the locals feel sorry for us. They all know Dad’s diagnosis. They also know Mom left him soon after. It was the one thing to push her over the edge, I think. One more thing she couldn’t handle.

Because it’s so busy, I don’t have time to do a lot of visiting. Dad needs me more than ever now and it seems like every two seconds he’s calling me away for something. Alec helps too, of course, but like always he’s into being around everyone else. He keeps making his way back to the group of people from school, which Brandon and Nathaniel are hanging out with.

It was a big deal when Danielle found out Nathaniel was coming back. Last year she wanted him to swim with her and the year before she was into him at the drive-ins. I kind of wanted to lie to her. Or ban her from the bash. Anything, because I know she likes him, but I have to keep reminding myself that Nathaniel isn’t mine.

“I’m yours every night for the rest of the summer.”

Bands of silky heat wrap around me at the memory of those words.

“Boo.”

I jump, even though I immediately recognize the voice. “I was just thinking about you.” I turn to look at him, but then wondered if I should have said that or not. What if he wonders what I was thinking?

“Good. Your friend won’t stop hitting on me. I kept hoping you would come save me.”

A burn of jealousy scalds me that she gets to flirt with him while I’m working, but I try to ignore it. There’s a difference in his voice. He talks to me in a way he didn’t before. This flirtatious edge that he must have practiced a lot since last year. “You’re a flirt now. Oh God. Say it isn’t so. Who stole my best friend?”

I turn and pretend to walk away, but Nathaniel’s hands on my waist stop me. “Hey. I’m not—”

“Charlie Rae! The oil is running low on the torches.” Dad’s voice is firm and I wonder if he really needs me as much as he wants me to think. Or if he just doesn’t want me around Nathaniel.

“I’ll help you.” Nathaniel lets go of me and I don’t argue with him. If Dad’s going to keep me busy all night, I’m going to let Nathaniel stay with me as long as he wants. I deserve that much. It’s just the summer. All I really think about are my summers with him.

We fill the tiki torches, and then fix a strand of lights that fell down. After that, the trash bags need to be replaced. I feel guilty for not telling Nathaniel to go hang out with everyone else. I give so much to everyone else that I want to grab onto whatever time I can have with him. It's the one thing I get that’s for me.

Only once does Alec come over and offer to help, which partially makes me mad, but also doesn’t. It’s nice not to feel like I’m letting him down, but it also sucks that he seems to hate Nathaniel an awful lot, but only when it suits him.

Before I know it, the party is winding down and people are leaving. Once our friends are gone, Alec and Brandon find their way over to us and Alec starts cleaning up like he would have any other time.

“What do you need me to do?” Brandon asks.

Umm, what? I don’t think Brandon has offered to help me with anything or even talked to me much in all the time I’ve known him. He must see that knowledge on my face because he adds, “What? I help.”

“Yeah fucking right.” Nathaniel laughs.

“You don’t have to help. It’s not your job. You’re on vacation.” I don’t do pity real well and that’s the only thing I can think of for him to hang around like this. Nathaniel must have told him everything that happened and obviously he knows Sadie isn’t here.

“Doesn’t matter.” He shrugs. “You guys are all out here so what else am I going to do?”

“Don’t argue with free help,” Nathaniel adds before bending to put his mouth close to my ear. “The sooner we get done, the faster we can disappear.”

Disappear. With Nathaniel. How much would I really love to disappear from this place? To leave and go where I want and do what I want without having my past and my family crumble apart. Family? I can’t even say that. It’s only Dad.

“You kids go on and head in. You don’t have to help. Charlie, Alec, and I have it.” Dad places one hand on my shoulder and one on Alec’s. Misplaced guilt suddenly slithers down my spine. I feel bad standing here, with link between Alec and I when Nathaniel is standing right there, and I shouldn’t.

“We don’t mind—”

“It’s not right,” Dad cuts Nathaniel off. “You guys have better things to do.”

But I don’t. Never me.

“The Village isn’t your responsibility.”

But it’s mine, even though I didn’t ask for it.

“Yes, sir.” Brandon tells him. Nathaniel doesn’t say anything to him at all, but he eyes my dad. I have no idea if Dad notices, if anyone who didn’t know Nathaniel like I do could read his face. She has things she wants to do, too. It isn’t her responsibility, his look says. If it’s possible for me to fall more in love with Nathaniel Chase, this is the second I do it.

“Come on, bro. Let’s go.” Brandon claps a hand down on Nathaniel and in that moment, I envy their relationship. Most of the time they’re picking on and fighting with each other, but right now, I see that they would do anything for one another. I wish I had that with Sadie. Turning, they start to walk away, but don’t get very far before Nathaniel stops and looks back at me. “I’ll see you soon, Charlotte.”

Dad frowns.

And just like that, he disappears into the night.

I want nothing more than to go with him.

Nathaniel is standing outside my window when I crawl out. I almost scream, but he puts a finger to his lips as if to say “shh.” He takes my hand and we walk around the side of the house to the stretch of beach by the lake before taking the path we’ve walked together so many times. He has a duffle bag in his hand, and I can’t help but wonder what’s in it.

Does he expect a repeat of our last night together?

Do I want one? Risking a quick glance at his tall frame and the rougher jaw than he used to have, I admit that I do. I want just about anything I can have with Nathaniel Chase.

We’re quiet when we get to our spot. I open my backpack and lay the blanket out, still wondering what he has in his. Nathaniel opens his backpack and pulls out another bag, this one long and slim.

“I got you something, Star Girl.”

I love the nickname. Love it so much. He’s started saying it more since last year. Almost every email or instant message.

“You shouldn’t have,” I say, because I can tell by the shape of the bag, what it is. “It’s too much. I could never…” I shake my head. I could never get him something like that.

“You deserve it,” is all he says before handing the bag over.

My fingers shake as I open it and see the beautiful white telescope inside. “Nathaniel…”

“I wanted to. It’s a good one. I did research on them before I bought it and this one is—”

“Expensive.”

“Perfect,” he adds. “For you. You’ll love it. I want you to have it.”

I need to feel my arms around him again. I set the bag down and lock my hands behind his neck. He pulls me close, holds me tight and lifts me off the ground.

“I do love it,” I say into his hair. He squeezes me tighter and I wish he would never let me go. “Thank you.”

I feel his lips on the side of my head before he pulls away and looks at me. “It’s different with you. You know that, right? You said I flirt more now, but I’m never playing games when I’m with you.”

He touches my hair. Pushes it behind my ears and I love the fact that he can hold me up with only one arm. “I know.” It sucks so bad to know that. To know he does care about me, and that he does see me as a best friend, but can still be with other girls and have a life separate from me, the way I have to with him. He talks to me about everything and wants to know every piece of my world. That doesn’t come around often. My parents were together since they were in high school and they didn’t have that. It should be freeing and make me float, but it doesn’t change anything. That’s what makes it harder and that’s what sucks.

It’s not that I think Nathaniel loves me. I know no matter what he’ll be happy and he’ll live his life and do whatever it is he wants to do, but…I think he could love me. Actually, I know he could. I think we could be happy together. Even if we stayed just friends, there will always be this bond between us that no one can ever replace, but it doesn’t count when I know I’ll be so far away. That I’ll never have as much of him as I have during our summers ever again. Why would he come back when he isn’t with his family?

“Good,” he whispers. “I really want to kiss you right now, Star Girl, but I don’t know if I should…I don’t want you to think I’m using you. I dated those other girls, but the second I see you, it’s like there’s no one else in the world, like there never has been anyone else.”

I don’t think I will ever in my life hear words that fill me up so much. Pump me full of happiness the way what he just said does. It doesn’t make sense that I, Charlie Rae, could mean so much to someone like Nathaniel, but I trust him and know he always means what he says.

So I don’t answer him. I don’t wait for him to kiss me. I kiss him instead.

We move together quickly. This frenzied, messy kiss is filled with passion, bridging last summer and this summer and trying to wipe all the distance and time from between us. Our lips fight to make it disappear. Our tongues tasting and exploring to remember, so it feels like yesterday when our lips last met instead of nine months ago.

He pulls me tighter against him as his mouth leaves mine. It trails down my neck, his rough voice saying, “Put your legs around me.”

So I do and it feels bad and good at the same time. No, not bad, naughty, but then I remember he’s seen me without my shirt on and this is nothing compared to that. This is Nathaniel so it doesn’t matter. I’d trust anything with him.

He walks, backing me up and I wonder where he’s going or why we’re not laying down, or standing still when he presses my body between a tree and him.

“I don’t want to drop you.” His breath on my neck. “Not that you’re heavy.”

And then we're laughing before he says, “I should have known you wouldn’t take it that way. Not you.” And then he’s kissing my throat and behind my ear and it’s crazy how one set of lips can feel so different than another. Lance’s touches didn’t affect me like this. If I was blind and deaf I would still know the difference between Nathaniel’s mouth and anyone else’s.

“Why didn’t you just lie down on the blanket?” I drop my head back and then he’s laughing against my skin again.

“Because I’m stupid and anxious and didn’t think about it.”

He kisses me again and it’s a little slower this time. Still all passion and wonderful, but like we have a little more time. I play with the hair at the nape of his neck, and savor how he tastes and wish that I’d never kissed another guy since him and that he’d never touched any other girls.

All too soon, the kisses stop, but he doesn’t pull away. “Does it make me an asshole if I say I hate Lance, even though I’ve never met him? Because I do.”

“No, because I can’t stand Monica or Hailey.”

I wonder how many people have this kind of honesty. If it’s normal to be able to just say what’s on your mind to the person you care about. Even though I’m not sure if he loves me, I know I could tell Nathaniel that I love him. Even if he didn’t feel the same, it wouldn’t change things and I think that’s kind of a miracle. Still, those are words I won’t let myself say. Not when I know I won’t leave The Village.

“Do you wanna try your telescope?” he asks.

I can’t stop the grin that pulls at my lips. I really, really don’t want to let go of him, but I want to look into infinity with him too.

“I take that as a yes.”

I unravel my legs from around him. Before he steps away, I touch the star at his throat. “Do they know anything about me?” It’s a stupid question to ask, but one I’m curious about. “I know they wouldn’t know details…but just that there is a girl name Charlotte out there, who knows you too?”

I wonder if that question makes me sound weak, but I don’t think being honest makes people weak. It’s lies that do that.

He touches my hair again and I like that it’s starting to be his thing with me. “Everyone knows about Charlotte from the lake. I wouldn’t hide you.”

“I’m glad you’re here,” I tell him. He answers with a swift kiss to my lips before leading me to the blanket, where we explore the sky together.

Dad has to take more breaks than he used to. He struggles with some of the same work, but we don’t talk about it. All of us pretend it’s not the case.

For the next week I spend my days with Dad and Alec and my nights with Nathaniel. We don’t stay out late because we both need sleep and morning comes too quickly, but we have our time and there’s always kissing and there’s always talking which are two of my favorite things to do with him. He asks questions and makes jokes and he feels more like the Nathaniel from our first summer than our second. Not that I don't love them both.

It sucks that so much of my time is now spent working, but then I think about Alec and how much freedom he’s sacrificing and I feel guilty. All that guilt is wiped away when I remember he, at least, gets paid to do it.

My cell vibrates against my hip and without looking, I know its Nathaniel. I gave him my number and we spend a lot of our time texting. His parents seem to have realized Brandon’s out of the house next year, on a football scholarship, and have been out spending family time with them every day that they’ve been here so far.

Pulling my cell out, I take a quick peek at it.

FYI, I’m coming to talk to your dad.

He’s coming to talk to my dad? I type out a quick question mark, but my reply is their car pulling up to their cabin. All four Chases climb out and Nathaniel looks toward me, the sun shining from behind him, and smiles.

“Hey, Mr. Gates. Hey, Charlotte.” Nathaniel holds out his hand and my dad grudgingly shakes it.

“How’s your summer going so far, Nathaniel?” Dad’s question surprises me. I’ve never really understood why he is so standoffish with Nathaniel, but we all know he is.

“It’s going well. I go by Nate now, though.”

The shovel falls out of my hand at that. I know last year his family started calling him Nate, but he didn’t like it. My mind flashes back to our Skype sessions, when Brandon or one of his friends would walk in. They all called him Nate.

Bending over, I pick up the shovel, suddenly a little annoyed that he didn’t tell me. That maybe he’s wishing I called him something other than what I do.

Nathaniel’s eyes dart toward mine, but then settle on my dad again. “I wanted to talk to you about helping Charlotte out around here sometimes. When I’m not out with my family, I’m always looking for something to do. I—”

“That’s okay. I appreciate the offer, but it wouldn’t be right.” Dad’s voice sounds different. Not the annoyance he usually shows where Nathaniel (or Nate?) is concerned, almost regret.

“With all due respect sir, I don’t see how it’s any different than Alec working. I’ve been around enough. I love it out here. A little extra money never hurts.”

Dad sighs, making me turn to study him. See the beads of sweat on his forehead and the tiredness in his features. Suddenly, I want to cry. I didn’t cry when he was diagnosed or when Mom and Sadie left, but my eyes beg for release right now.

“I can’t pay very much.”

Those words mean so much more than anything else he’s said or done because last summer, he never would have said them. He never would have considered letting Nathaniel help out. He would have been too proud. What does it mean that he’s not too proud anymore?

“I don’t need much. It really just gives me something to do and a little spending money.”

That we both know he doesn’t need.

“Your parents okay with it?”

“Yes, sir.”

Dad nods, and the expression on his face almost looks like it says, thank you. I wipe my eyes, realizing a tear broke free. I need it gone, not wanting him to know that I see what’s going on. That already he worries about how much he can handle. Are things progressing faster than we thought? Is he having a harder time then he admits?

Is he going to need me even more?

“We’ll fill out some papers later, okay? If you want to help Charlie out now, I’d really appreciate it.”

Just like that, Dad is gone and Nathaniel starts working with us.

“Do you want me to call you Nate?” I ask Nathaniel as we sit by the old fort. I’m not sure why we came out here tonight. It’s much easier to stick to the lake, but I didn’t bring my scope, and I always feel like we’re more alone out here.

We’re lying on the blanket. I’m on my back, Nathaniel on his side, leaning on his elbow, his other hand on my stomach. I love how we just fell into this easy closeness. Both last year and the year before we had this awkward time where neither of us could get it together. It’s part of being older I guess.

“Why do you ask that? Because of what I told your dad today?”

“Yeah.”

“I want you to call me whatever you want to. Whatever comes naturally. It really doesn’t matter either way.” Leaning forward, he kisses my forehead. “Nate and Nathaniel are the same person.”

“I wish Charlotte and Charlie were,” I blurt out and then immediately want the words back.

“They are. Charlie wants the same things Charlotte does.”

“I know. And I do. I don’t think I did two years ago.”

“It’s wild that I’ve been coming here for three years. You had that deer in the headlights look the first time I saw you. Then you looked a little sick and I was scared you were going to puke on me.”

“Shut up!” I push him, but he laughs and grabs me. Rolls with me until I’m on top of him.

“I still thought you were hot.”

Hmm, I think I could get used to hearing that. “You did not.”

“I thought you were cute and I was intrigued by you. One look at you, Charlotte, and I knew there was something different about you. You weren’t like any other girls I knew. You were like this mixture of badass and…”

“Lost,” I fill in for him.

“Nope. You know your way. You just need to take it.”

At the thought of what he’s suggesting, I groan and roll off him, missing the feel of his body. “He’s worse, Nathaniel. Something’s going on he’s not telling me about, or he's scared or something. He wouldn’t have let you help if that wasn’t the case.”

Nathaniel moves and sits up next to me. “I hate that, Star Girl. It fucking sucks, but…it’s not your fault. You shouldn’t sacrifice your whole life because of it.”

Now I push to my feet, walking over to stand next to the creek. Words rattle around in my head, but I can’t make sense of them so I don’t say anything. Instead I look up to the sky.

“What is it about stars that you love so much?” he asks.

That answer comes quickly. “Because they’re infinite. They’re miracles, and anything is possible when you look out into the massive space that goes on and on.” Because I want that. I want to explore and see what’s out there and feel as free as those stars in the sky.

“You can have that. You deserve it. Alec loves it here. He’s a bastard, but he’s like family to you. He can stay.”

“Don’t,” I shake my head.

“Char—”

“I can’t do this with you. Not right now, okay? I just…I just want to be with you right now.”

His arms wrap around me and pull me close. “I don’t mean to push. And I definitely want to be with you, too.”

When he kisses me, I forget everything else. It’s like my stars times a million. He makes me forget how things are. Forget what I’ve lost, and how I’m scared that, without him, I’ll always feel as alone as I do when he’s not here.

Nate works with us at least a couple days a week. It’s not all day, but it’s enough that we get to see each other a lot more which, according to him, was the whole reason he brought it up to Dad.

It’s hard being with him in the daytime and not having the same kind of relationship that we have during our nights. No kisses, no touches. We talk about things that don’t matter, and even though he doesn’t flirt back, I’ve to see girls hit on him. And I have to remember that I’m the one who wanted it this way. That when he started working with us, I didn’t want to deal with Dad or Alec or anyone else so I pushed to keep anything that’s more than friendly to our nights.

Easier said than done.

The other day I sprayed a girl from my school with a hose and then had to pretend it was an accident. I’ve never been so mortified in my life, and all Nate did was pull me behind a building and whisper in my ear. “I want everyone to know you’re mine, too. Just so you know.”

He put the ball in my court, but I’ve been afraid to do anything with it. Admitting it makes it more real. And Dad will freak out and Alec will be worse. It’s stupid, but I can’t help how I feel.

Around six, one evening in early July, a truck pulls up, packed with people from school. They're all people Nate and Brandon have met before. Guys from Alec’s football team and girls I pretend to know how to relate to.

Matt, stands up in the back of the truck and yells, “Where’s Alec? We wanna a plaaaaaay baaaaaall!”

“Douchebag. That’s baseball,” Nate mumbles to me. I practically hear Alec perk up from where he’s standing about fifty feet away from us. His football sensor is going off.

“We’re in! Let me hit up Brandon!” Alec jerks out his phone and starts sending a text.

“God forbid two football obsessed guys play a game without each other.”

Nate doesn’t reply, so I look over at him to see he’s staring at me. One of his eyebrows goes up and he has a mischievous look on his face.

“What?” I ask.

“We’re playing.”

“Yes, sir?” I tease and he rolls his eyes.

“Don’t act like that. I know you wanna play. Plus, it gives me an excuse to be able to tackle you.”

My neck heats. I still can’t make myself stop blushing with him. “We play flag football.”

“That’s good, because I might freak out a little if someone else tackled you, but on the other hand, oops. My bad. I didn’t mean for you to end up under me like this, Star Girl.”

More heat. And excitement.

“What if we’re on the same team?” I ask, trying to be flirty with him and not sure if I’m pulling it off or not.

Nate shrugs. “We will be. Did I ever tell you I have a problem with accidentally tackling my own team?”

I smirk, thinking there might not be anything in the world a good as being on the same football team with Nate.

I’m not a violent person, but I really, really want to kill Danielle. Logic doesn’t matter. Who cares that she doesn’t know I’m with Nate. Am I really with Nate? He leaves in August and he has a life several states away. I try to have one here. It’s not like I expect a seventeen-year-old guy to try to have a long distance relationship, but for now, yes, we’re together. And if she doesn’t stop trying to stand by him in every huddle and talk to him every two seconds, I’m likely to lose it for the first time in my life.

I’m not jealous. I’m not jealous. I’m not jealous.

“Nate, over here! I’m open!” Danielle calls. Never mind that she really is open, I hate that he throws her the football.

I’m totally jealous.

Danielle drops the ball and I almost cheer. What is wrong with me? She’s on my team. I shouldn’t be cheering when she misses the ball.

“What’s wrong?” Nate asks a few minutes later when we take our places, ready for the other team to come at us.

“Nothing.”

When I try to keep walking, he grabs my waist. Nerves push at my jealousy and I step back, not wanting to have to deal with Alec finding out Nate and I are whatever we are.

“Whatever,” Nate replies. I can’t blame him for not pushing. For turning and walking away because not only has he done nothing wrong, but I’m the one who stepped away from him. Who lied to him. That doesn’t stop it from hurting.

The game keeps going. I’m dirty and sweaty. The game is tied and Nate hasn’t tried to talk to me anymore.

I can’t stop thinking that he tried to touch me and I stepped away. My head isn’t in the game and even though we manage to stop them, I’m not sure how.

Our ball.

We get into our huddle, like we ever really do what we say we’re going to do anyway. I run up the field, dodging Alec. He’s strong, and fast, but I’m hoping to keep myself ahead of him.

“Charlie!” someone yells and when they do, I turn to see the ball flying in the air at me. It’s over thrown a little so I’m still running, trying to grab it, and before I even have the chance to reach for the ball, I hit the ground.

Hard.

“Shit! I’m sorry, Charlie. I couldn’t stop.” Matt’s tangled in me and even though there’s a little bit of pain in my back from hitting the ground, I’m okay.

Slowly, I try to stand as Matt does the same. “It’s cool. No—”

‘Worries’ doesn’t have time to come out of my mouth before Nate’s yelling, “What the fuck, man!”

And then Matt stumbles back as Nate pushes him.

“Dude, it was an accident!” Matt yells back.

By then I’m to my feet. Brandon gets to Nate before me and grabs his arm. “Chill out, bro.”

“Did you see how hard he hit her?” Looking back at Matt, he shouts, “You need to watch what the hell you’re doing.”

Nate turns to me, right as I step up to him. “It’s cool. I’m good.” Maybe this makes me sound like a bitch, but it feels good to have him stick up for me. That he cares that much, but I also don’t want him and Matt fighting.

I wonder why I won’t risk Dad or Alec’s wrath so everyone would know that, for now, he’s with me.

“I’m good.” Then I push up on my toes and press my lips to his. It’s a quick kiss, but that’s all we need. Danielle gasps, Brandon laughs and…nothing at all comes from Alec. It doesn’t matter. None of it. Nothing but Nate and me.

“Oh, I got you.” Matt says with a laugh.

Nate shrugs. “Sorry, man.” We all start moving again.

“Our ball,” I say to everyone else, and then to Nate, “Let’s do that play again. This time, you and me. I won’t get hit again.”

The look he gives me makes my heart stutter. It's something like…awe. But then, what reason would he have to look at me like that?

“Let’s do it.”

When I look over, Brandon’s hand is on the back of Alec’s neck and as they walk back to their side of the field, he kind of shakes him, like boys do trying to pump each other up or whatever. If they’re talking about Nate and me, I don’t care. If they’re making a plan to defend me, they’re not going to have a chance.

A few minutes later, I’m running down the field again. Nate’s arm goes back and he throws the ball at me, and it’s perfect. It falls right into my arms as I pass everyone to make a touchdown. And, somehow, Nate is right behind me. He grabs me and lifts me up. We don’t kiss again, but we don’t have to. We don’t win the game either, but it doesn’t matter. Right now, I feel like I’ve won the world.

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!” Danielle says. “I mean…I wondered for a little while last year, but then nothing happened and you never said anything. Why the hell didn’t you stake your claim on that boy? He’s hot. Oh, wait…didn’t you date Lance last year?”

I glance at Danielle. I don’t even know how to reply to all of that. “This is…new.” Though it’s not really. We’ve been dancing around it since the first summer. Nate feels as much a part of my life as breathing. “Kind of new this year. He’s only here for the summers though.”

“Awww! So have you guys have, like, this secret love affair every summer? Only one more year left until you finish school, though. Then you can go to college together and live happily ever after!”

Her enthusiasm is freaking me out a little bit, not to mention the pain that her “happily ever after” vision conjures up inside me.

“Poor Alec… I’ve always thought he was secretly in love with you.”

I throw a glance over my shoulder to see all the guys are still standing in the middle of the field.

“Alec’s not in love with me.” I don’t think. Could he be? Could Alec really be in love with me instead of it being about The Village and our friendship? No, it’s been too much time. He would have told me.

“Heads up!” Nate yells. The football that Brandon brings every year comes flying at me and I catch it before tossing it into the truck. I think I hear Danielle say, “swoon” before walking back to everyone.

“I’m totally going to kiss you right now. Watching you play football gets me hot.” Nate says into my neck and I can’t help but laugh. He feels good. No, incredible, like he always does.