Текст книги "Four Summers"
Автор книги: Nyrae Dawn
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It’s 8:30 when we get back to The Village. Alec’s mom had been the one to tell Dad they could handle things for a while if we went to play football and now she’s sitting on the back deck with him and Alec’s dad.
“I should probably go over there,” I tell Nate, who gives me a nod.
“I should probably check in with my parents and see what’s going on.”
We nod like we both aren’t sure how to act. It’s one thing to show affection in front of our friends, but Dad is a whole different story. Nate works for him. They’re renting a cabin from him. I don’t think Dad would make them leave, but what if he did?
“See you tonight, Star Girl.” Nate winks before jogging over and playfully shoving his brother. They screw around back and forth while they’re walking to their cabin. I can’t stop myself from watching them until the door closes.
“Can we talk?” Alec asks and I jump, unable to believe I forget he was standing so close.
“Sure.” I shrug.
“We’re going to go for a walk!” he calls to our parents, who just nod and smile without a second thought.
“I don’t want you to get hurt,” is the first thing out of Alec’s mouth when we hit the beach. He automatically walks the opposite direction as I go with Nathaniel and as ridiculous as it is, I’m glad.
“Nothing’s changed. You can’t tell me you didn’t know something was going on. Seeing it doesn’t—”
“Seeing it does make it more real and you know it, Charlie Rae. If you didn’t really care about him, we either would have been seeing it all along, or we never would have at all. Don’t pretend like I don’t know you.”
My eyes close for a second before, resigned, I force them to open again. “Of course you know me. We’ve been friends our whole lives. So…maybe you should trust me.”
Alec stops walking. “What is that supposed to mean? You know I trust you.”
“Do you?”
“Yeah. I don’t trust him not to hurt you. I mean…what do you think will happen? Or what are you planning on happening? Do you not want The Village anymore?”
I never did! Not like you. Not like Dad. Not that I have a choice. Those sentences scream in my brain but I don’t let any of them out. I trap them there because all they will do is cause pain.
“Nothing’s changed, Alec. I know that. I would never leave Dad. You know me better than that. Nate and I both know whatever is going on will be over with the summer.”
Understanding, which I didn’t expect, sparks in his eyes. “I know… I hear ya. You know I love you, right? I would do anything for you. I just…don’t want you to get hurt.”
“I know.” There has never been a doubt in my mind about that. Alec has always tried to take care of me. We’ve looked after and been there for each other. Even when we fight, I know it won’t last long, because we just don’t work that way.
Alec was the first person I ever told how I felt about my sister. The first person to get it, and tell me that I mattered. He beat up boys who called me names, and taught me how to climb trees and play ball. We will always be a part of each other’s lives.
“I’ll be okay, Alec. Just trust me. I can’t get hurt when I know what I’m getting into.”
But really, I have no idea.
“Have you made any plans for college?” I ask Nate as we lay on the blanket, the water not far from us. Rolling over to look at him, I wince, a little pain stabbing into my back.
“Your back still hurt?”
“Yeah, it wasn’t that bad after Matt’s hit, but then I think I lifted wrong today.”
He frowns, but then his demeanor changes when he says, “Take off your shirt.”
“Excuse me?” That totally came out of nowhere. Yes, I went skinny dipping with him last year and we’ve had some pretty heavy make out sessions this summer, but I still didn’t expect that.
“I’ll massage your back,” he tells me.
“You don’t have to do that.”
“Believe me. I’m doing it for totally selfish reasons. I’ll take mine off, too, if you want.”
I roll my eyes. “You have your shirt off half the time anyway.” He goes shirtless a whole lot more this year than he did last. I like it. But before he has the chance to do anything, I hold my breath and pull my shirt over my head. Nate’s eyes go wide and I try to remind myself that I have a bra on this time.
“They’re bigger,” I blurt out and then almost die. Covering my face with my hands I say, “Oh my God! I can’t believe I just said that.”
“I can’t believe you think I didn’t notice.” Nate laughs before pulling my hands away. “We’re going to be in some serious trouble here if you don’t lay on your stomach.”
“Boys.” Playfully, I roll my eyes before lying down. Nate straddles my butt and I’m really hoping it doesn’t feel too cushiony.
“Can I undo this?” His fingers touch my back, under the strap.
The first time I try to speak, nothing comes out. The second time I manage to squeak out a, “Yes.”
He does, and then his hands start kneading the tender muscles in my shoulders…down, down to my lower back before he goes up again.
“So…college. Do we really want to talk about that?”
Is it just me or does his voice sound a little rougher than it did a minute ago?
“Why not? It’s an important part of your life.”
“Yours, too. Don’t make it sound like that. Just because you might go to community college locally doesn’t mean you’re not going to school.”
I nod because he’s right.
Nate continues, “I haven’t made specific plans. I still have my whole senior year. But there are a couple places I’m considering. You know I wanna study architecture, right?” His hands keep moving, keep massaging as he talks.
“Of course I know. You told me that your first summer here. I’m not surprised you didn’t change your mind—”
“—You remember that?” he cuts me off.
I wonder if it makes me sound pathetic to be honest, but I do it anyway. “I remember everything.”
“Shit…” Nate curses, making me wonder what’s wrong. “Will you roll over?” he asks, pushing up onto his knees so there is more room. There’s only about two seconds of hesitation before I do as asked.
My bra still covers me, but it’s looser being unstrapped. I expect his eyes to drift down to my boobs, but they don’t. “UCLA. It’s my top choice.”
California. The place he knows I want to go. My heart starts going crazy because I don’t know what that means. If it means anything. Maybe he’s always wanted to go to California. Hell, maybe he has family there. But maybe…maybe he’s saying he wants to go because I do.
“Nate—” His finger against my lips quiets me.
“Shh…Just wanted you to know.” Then the look in his eyes switches and he does what I thought he would do a few minutes ago. His gaze lands on my chest. When our eyes meet again, I see the silent question there. I nod my head and with slow hands, he slides my bra off each arm before tossing it aside.
“Still perfect.”
My heart does all sorts of somersaults and back handsprings that he remembers exactly what he told me last year. And then he starts kissing me. His mouth exploring more than just my lips. I arch toward him and fist my hand in his hair.
I love you, I want to tell him, but something deep inside me thinks he might already know.
“Do you think I’ve changed?” I ask Nate one day as we’re going on a hike. It’s not often that guests ask us to take them, but we have a family of five who wanted to go Indian Rock. Dad named it that himself and took pictures of it before I was even born, hanging them up all over the store. It’s become somewhat of an attraction now, the locals and visitors all wanting to see the tall rock up on that mountain that looks like a Native American, headdress and all.
Dad usually took any tours we had up to Indian Rock, but, well, that’s one of the things that has changed. He wanted Alec to go with me, but he had something else to do, so Nate was his only choice.
Both of us were a little shocked.
“Changed like how?” he asks. The family is about ten feet behind us, but not paying much attention to what we’re doing. It’s then I realized we talked about how we were different on our hike last year as well.
“I don’t know. Changed. Like in any way. Every year you come back you’re different in one way or another. Last year you were sadder. This year you’re more like you were the first summer, just…”
“Hotter? Sexier? Impossible to resist?” He grins.
“Conceited?”
He feigns shock, but then reaches for my hand. Two of our fingers link like a chain as we keep walking.
“I was going to just say more grown-up, but I’m rethinking that.”
“Oh, so I’m more manly? Basically the same thing as sexier.” He laughs before pulling me to him, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. “I mean, yeah you’ve changed in some ways. You wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t, but there are some things about you that are always the same.”
“Like what?” I ask him.
“Your honesty. The way you say whatever’s on your mind.”
“Only to you.”
“That’s all that matters.” I pinch his side and he pushes my hand away. “I’m kidding. No pinching, woman. You’re adventurous in a different way than any girl I’ve ever met. You’re comfortable playing football or looking through a telescope and telling me about the stars.” He leans closer to me. “You trust me in a way no one in my life has ever done… Even when I didn’t trust myself to make decisions because of Chrissy. You trusted me. Those things are the same about you, but…I guess it’s like you said about me, you’re more grown-up. Sometimes, I don’t really know how to say what I’m trying to, but it’s like you’re this old soul trapped in a seventeen year old’s body. I think you see the world different than anyone I know, Charlotte Rae Gates.”
I look over at him. “I don’t want to see it differently.”
“Why?” he asks. “It’s one of my favorite things about you. You wanna see and do so much, but you have this kind of nobility or something about you that makes you put all your dreams aside for other people. I couldn’t do that. Not many people could.”
I think that might be the best compliment I’ve ever received. “No one makes me feel like you do,” I tell him.
He looks down at me as we keep walking up the mountain. “You do the same thing to me, Star Girl.”
“I…” Before I can continue, my foot comes down the wrong way on a rock. I fall forward, but Nate catches me. I wonder if one day, I’ll ever be able to catch myself.
“My brother wants to go camping, Charlotte. He told me to ask you if you can hook it up. I think he’s feeling lonely because he’s stuck in his room every night alone.”
Brandon flips Nate off. “Screw you. That has nothing to do with it. I just thought it would be fun, you asshole.”
Nate laughs, but then he turns to me, looking panicky. “I didn’t mean…not because we’re out or every night or…shit.” Something else seems to hit him. He leans down so his mouth is by my ear and whispers. “I’m an asshole. I shouldn’t have said it that way because of your sister.”
Because of Sadie leaving. I get it, reaching over, my hand grabs his shirt by his stomach. “No worries. I know what you meant.”
I turn my head, “Brandon, I’m not inviting girls on a camping trip because you’re lonely.”
“That’s not what I meant.” He crosses his arms, looking every bit of the jock-ish, football player he is. “I just thought it would be fun to get out, but I know my brother doesn’t go anywhere without you, so…”
“Would you?” Nate asks, while I say, “You guys can go camping. I don’t have to tag along.”
Now Nate’s attention is on me. “Who said I want to go without you? I’m with him all the time.”
“See!” Brandon adds.
“I used to love camping. Me, Dad, Alec and his dad went a lot when we were younger.”
Nate stiffens at that. “Of course.”
“I don’t like him like that. I never will.” It doesn’t matter to me that Brandon is sitting right there when I say it. All that matters is Nate hearing it and believing it.
“Yeah, she doesn’t like him like that. My baby brother is jealous of Alec.”
“Screw you,” Nate tells him before turning to me. “Camping could be fun.”
Camping could be a blast. But… “The only way I’m going to be able to go is if I go with Alec. And Alec’s probably going to have to talk him into it.” Suddenly all sorts of plans are forming in my mind. Spending the night, the whole night and part of the day up in the mountains with the stars and Nate. I can’t imagine anything more perfect, but…who would help Dad here?
“Your Dad would really let you go camping with Alec? Does he know guys?” Nate asks.
“He trusts him. He’s known Alec his whole life.”
“And he can get your dad to let you go with all of us? We’ll get caught otherwise. There’s no way someone’s not going to realize that Brandon and I are gone, too.” Nate still looks a little tense, but like he’s trying to hide it.
“Dad trusts him,” I say again. “And there’s no promises…I can probably make it look like Danielle and some of the others are going too…” I’m suddenly really glad that I never let Dad see that there was anything more going on with Nate and me.
“We doing this?” Brandon jumps in.
Nate shrugs and I say, “Let's do it.”
“You’re sure you’re not going to be the only girl there, Charlie Rae?” Dad asks for the millionth time. My camping supplies are all sitting by the door, waiting for us to head out.
“Yeah, Dad. We’re meeting up with Danielle and some other friends.” Liar, liar pants on fire. “We just want to do some fishing and sleeping out. Brandon leaves for college soon and he wants to do some different stuff before he goes.”
“You can fish here.”
Yes, yes we can. “But it’s not the same to camp here. I live here! How many times did we used to go? It’s fun to get out like that.”
Dad sighs before sitting on the back of the couch. “I know, kiddo. I get it. And you deserve to have some fun. With…” he closes his eyes and I wonder if he’s trying not to cry. “With your mom and sister leaving, I know that puts a lot more pressure on you.”
He doesn’t mention his MS and I wonder if it’s on purpose. He doesn’t talk to Mom when they call, only Sadie. I don’t really talk to my sister, only Mom. None of us ever discus his MS. I think we all want to pretend it’s not true.
“You know how much I need you, Charlie, but I want you to have fun too. That’s why I’m letting you go. You work so hard, kiddo.”
You know how much I need you.
I know more than I wish I did. “I know, Dad. I want to be here for you.”
He nods and then I hear Alec’s voice outside.
“I better go. You’ll have help here, right?”
Alec’s parents are helping while we’re gone. I know that, but have to ask anyway.
“I’ll be okay. You just have fun.”
Dad follows me outside and walks almost to the truck with me, but stops at Alec.
“Take care of her, son.” He touches Alec’s shoulder. “I’m trusting you.”
My eyes lock with Nate’s. His face says everything I need to know. He heard. And it hurt him.
“Absolutely. You know I’d do anything for Charlie,” Alec tells him, as Nate climbs in the back of the truck with his brother.
Alec drives up to the area we used to go to when we were kids, which is about forty-five minutes away. The back of the truck is packed with tons of fishing stuff, a football (of course), along with the rest of our supplies, which includes four tents; one for me and then one for each boy, because they’re guys and apparently that means they can’t sleep next to each other.
We park in this little turn out and then walk a trail to look for our spot. All our hands are full and packs on our backs until we find the perfect spot nestled between a large group of trees. It’s perfect because it’s secluded, hidden away, but not too far from the water.
Somehow all my stuff gets tangled together as I’m trying to get my backpack off. I’m about to scream when Nate walks up to me and says, “I got it.”
They’re the first words he’s spoken to me since before we left. He screws around with the fishing pole before getting it untangled and leaning it against a tree.
“You’re free now,” he says at the exact moment I'm blurting, “I’m sorry about my dad.”
Nate hooks his finger in one the belt loops on my jeans. “It’s not your fault, and I’m being a prick about it. It just…it fucking sucks, honestly. Remember when we talked about Monica and Hailey? It’s like…”
He steps closer to me, wrapping his arms around my neck and resting his chin on my head. “Imagine seeing one of them with me every day. My parents raving about her. I know I’m going to leave and you’ll still be here with him and that your lives are tied together in this way I’ll never be able to have with you. That if some asshole hurts you, he’ll get to be the one to protect you. And then I feel like shit for thinking all of that because he’s your best friend. You’ve known him a whole hell of a lot longer than me.”
He pauses and I slide my arms around him. Fist my hands in his shirt and wish everything he said wasn’t true. That he wouldn’t have to leave or that I could go. That we could have more than just our summers. I try to tell him with the way I’m holding him that I feel like that, too.
“So, yeah…that’s where my head’s at, and like I said, it just really fucking sucks.”
“I want it to be you. I’ll always want it to be you.”
Nate pulls back, and for the first time there’s insecurity in his face. Doubt, which is something I never expected to see from him.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah…I—”
“Come on, you guys!” Brandon steps up to us. “Do that shit later. Let’s get camp set up.”
The moment is broken. Nate and I pull away from each other, and get to work.
We set up the tents and pack the food away so it won’t lure the bears. Brandon and Alec decide they want to go fishing so we get all the gear ready. I slip into my tent to change, putting on the new yellow bikini that I’m determined to wear today. Without a shirt over it. I don’t want to be one of those girls who hides who she is. I want to be proud, because I’m me and I don’t want to think there’s anything wrong with that.
Still…I put on a pair of cut off shorts, because walking around in a bikini, especially if we’re going to be fishing, just isn’t my style.
Nate is standing by his brother and Alec when I climb out. The guys are already in their shorts and of course none of them are wearing shirts. I might be the luckiest girl on the planet right now, because all three of them are gorgeous. Nate and Brandon with their dark hair and strong builds. Alec sunny and blond, but just as muscular as the other two.
“Hey.” The corner of Nate’s mouth pulls up in a grin when he sees me. He walks over and in that second, I decide not to hold anything back on this camping trip. I lean up and kiss his lips.
“Perfect,” he says into my hair, before we pull away.
Alec shakes his head, but then Brandon says, “Dude, cut them some slack.” Obviously pissed, Alec heads toward the water. Brandon follows behind him and then Nate and I take up the rear.
It’s even prettier up here than it is at The Village. Mountains surround us with the water sparkling in the middle of it. I set up the chairs while Brandon and Alec screw around with their poles, laughing over something in a way that only boys do.
“Do you want to fish or go swimming with me?” Nate asks. There’s no question about what my answer will be. After unbuttoning and unzipping my shorts, I step out of them. Turning to walk toward the water, I’m suddenly swooped off the ground and Nate is running with me in his arms.
“You’re going to piss off the fish!” Brandon yells.
“Go somewhere else then!” Nate isn't even looking at him as he wades into the water with me in his arms.
We spend what feels like forever and also two seconds at the same time, splashing around in the water. Nate dunks my head and I wrap arms around his neck and realize that’s kind of our thing.
When we are tired of holding ourselves up, Nate runs to the shore and grabs an inner tube. Brandon and Alec have moved out of sight, giving us the space I want and keeping their precious fish calm.
When Nate gets back to me, we lie down together in the tube and float along the water.
“You and Brandon are closer than you used to be, aren’t you?”
“Yeah…kind of. I’m mean, we’ve never really been that close. Even now. Why?” His hand splays out across my stomach.
“Because he told Alec to chill out earlier and they’re not on top of us right now.”
Nate shrugs. “I guess I’ve talked to him more about you this summer. He knows I like you, and I guess he gets it.”
Rolling over, I lie with my stomach on his. My cheek on his chest, while his hands do the same thing to my back that they just did on my belly. “Are you still playing baseball your senior year?” I ask. He’d mentioned before that he wasn’t sure if he would.
“That came out of the blue.”
“I want to make sure I know everything about you.”
So we talk. He tells me that he is playing ball because he figures he might as well continue what he started. We talk about classes and he asks when was the last time I talked to Mom and Sadie. “A couple days ago,” I tell him. “They call about once a week.”
We talk about stupid things like our favorite drinks and he tells me about the time he did two keg-stands at a house party and how it’s the only time he’s ever thrown up while drinking.
We talk about my dad, and Nate's parents and how he never would have thought he’d miss Brandon, but he’s kind of bummed his brother is leaving for school. It’s like any other conversation we’ve had. It’s everything and nothing out of the ordinary too.
Suddenly, water comes splashing at us. I don’t know how we didn’t hear Alec and Brandon approaching. Nate rolls with me and we’re off the inner tube sending water right back at them. It’s the first time the four of us have really hung out like this.
Soon, the water fight is over and we’re heading back to shore.
Nate and I decide we want to fish, but Brandon says he’s tired and wants to go back to camp for a nap. Alec looks unsure at what to do.
“It’s cool. You can chill with us if you wanna,” Nate tells him, which I know isn’t easy for him to say.
Brandon shakes his head. “How in the hell am I supposed to find my way back then? I didn’t grow up out here like you guys.”
“Idiot,” Nate laughs and even Alec joins in.
“I’ll help you,” Alec says.
When the two of them are gone, Nate and I each sit in the chairs, side-by-side, with our poles in the water.
He’s looking out at the lake, as am I. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I see him turn and stare at me…forever.
“I wanna be with you,” Nate blurts out. His voice sounds a little huskier than usual, but still strong. Firm.
“What?” I thought we were already pretty much together.
“I want to be with you. I know it’s stupid, but I think we should do it. We should give it a try, Star Girl. We’ll talk every day and I know it’ll suck and it’ll be hard as hell, but how will we know if we don’t try?”
My heart is beating a million miles per hour. My eyes sting, but at the same time a smile stretches across my face. “Really? How…I mean.”
“We talked all year, and we weren’t together. We’ll do it when we are.”
Little blips of our conversation from earlier filters in. “Is this because of Alec? I don’t want—”
I actually see Nate’s defenses go up.
“I don’t give a shit about Alec. This has to do with you and me. What do we have to lose? We’re both pretty friggin' miserable when we’re not together.”
I don’t want to talk him out of it, but he needs to know the magnitude of what he’s saying. “We’ll never see each other. It’s not fair… It’s your senior year. You’ll want to date and go to prom and…”
He shrugs. “Who cares? I want you, Charlotte. You. I’ll be eighteen in October. I have money saved and can get plane tickets. I’ll come see you. Fuck, I don’t know if it’ll work. I just know I wanna be with you. I don’t want to say goodbye like we do every year, ya know? Maybe I’m not supposed to admit stuff like that—”
“You are,” I tell him. “You so totally are.”
This makes him laugh and I love it. It’s impossible not to join in with the deep, throaty sound. Him being happy makes me happy and I know I’m one of the lucky ones because I feel it in the way he treats me. I know I make him feel the same way.
“I want to be with you, too. But what about college?”
He rolls his eyes at me as though I’m being crazy. “It’s a year away. Stop trying to fast forward to the future. We can apply to some of the same schools, just in case. You never know what can happen. Hell, even if it’s just pretend, let’s do it.
I don’t let myself think. Don’t want to think about all the ways this can go wrong or how it will kill me if we somehow make this work for a whole year and then I lose him. But he’s right. Or maybe I just want to pretend he is. If we don’t give it a shot I’ll always wonder—and always regret not having tried. The only thing I know is I’m opening my mouth and letting the word, “yes,” jump free.
I smile and look over at him, little water droplets on his skin and his dark hair wet. Nate leans toward me. “Yeah?”
“Yes.”
Then he kisses me, his tongue stroking me slowly, and it’s the best, most amazing kiss he’s ever given me. Maybe better than any kiss in the world.
When he pulls back he touches my hair and I know it’s all messy and stringy from being wet, but I don’t care.
“Holy shit, we’re sappy. Maybe I should throw you over my shoulder or something to show you how manly I really am.”
I push at him. “Oh my God! That doesn’t make you manly, and why do boys care so much if they sound sappy once in a while? Ugh.” I get up, pretending to walk away, but he hooks his arms around my waist and pulls me to his lap.
“I’ll be sappy with you, Star Girl. No one knows me like you do.”
Later, I’ll realize I should have told him I love him. That moment would have been the perfect chance, but unlike the first time I saw him, I didn’t realize this was one of my moments.
Instead I sit here while we finish fishing. Once we’re done we go back to camp and hang out with Brandon and Alec. We cook dinner on the fire and roast marshmallows, doing all those things you’re supposed to do while camping.
When it’s time for bed, I don’t bother with going into my tent. I climb right into Nate’s with him and we spend half the night kissing, touching and exploring before we fall asleep in each other’s arms.
And for once, everything feels perfect. I can forget Dad has MS, and Mom and Sadie are gone. That Dad needs me and Alec wants me to stay here with him and that in less than a month, Nate will be leaving.
We’re together. We’re going to stay together. For now, I’m focusing on that.
