Текст книги "Four Summers"

Автор книги: Nyrae Dawn

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Текущая страница: 13 (всего у книги 16 страниц)

Mom is sitting on the couch when I come down the next day. She’s still in her pajamas and eating from a bag of chips. She gives me a guilty smile when I see her. “They're only chips, Mom. You don’t have to look like it’s the end of the world.”

“I thought you were your father,” she says, like he would have thought it was a big deal either.

“How ya feeling?” I ask her. Some parents have a mid-life crisis when their kids are both at college and decide to move to Hawaii or something like that. First my started working to get close to Brandon and I—which is cool. Then they decided to have another baby. It’s not like I know much about being pregnant, but apparently it’s harder on you in your forties than when you’re younger. She’s already on light bed rest, which is part of the reason they didn’t try to get us to go back to Lakeland Village this year.

“I’m doing great. What about you? Where are you headed off to so early?”

“I’m going downtown. I’m not sure what time I’ll be back.” I’m definitely not in the mood to answer questions about Charlotte so there’s no way I’m saying who I’m meeting.

“Okay. Be careful. Have a good day. I think I’ll finish my chips and then take a nap.”

It’s a little wild seeing Mom like this. She’s always been one of those girls who thinks she has to look perfect all the time. Even if she’s in the garden or at The Village she always looks perfect. I think that’s part of what intrigued me about Charlotte. She was so different than what I was used to.

“See ya later,” I say before walking out.

It’s a long ass ride to the city, but I’ve done it a million times. I pull out my iPod and listen to music, wondering what the hell I’m doing.

It’s a couple block walk once I get off the train. As soon as I round the corner on 52nd Street, I see her. She’s already standing in front of the coffee shop that Mom goes to. I didn’t know where else to tell her to meet me and now I don’t know why I’m thinking about stupid things that don’t matter like why I picked the coffee shop.

Her hair is shorter. It’s up to her shoulders and I wonder when she cut it. She’s wearing jeans and I realize that as long as I’ve known her, I’ve never seen her wear pants. What does she look like in the winter? It’s crazy just seeing her not surrounded by her lake.

When I look at her from this far away, all our summers slam into me and it’s almost like from this distance, just looking at her, I can almost forget all the bad shit that happened.

For the first time, I think I want to, but then that last night body slams its way in and I remember how many more of her moments that Alec has than me and I wonder what’s the point? We were young, stupid kids and we tried to make something work that never would have.

I’m about to turn around and walk away, but of course that’s the second Charlotte turns around. The crowd doesn’t matter. There aren’t hundreds of other people around us like there always are in New York. Her eyes land right on me.

This would be way, way easier if she wasn’t so beautiful. I almost forgot how she goes right to my head with just one look. It’s always been like that, even from the first glance in front of the cabin when I didn’t understand what it was.

Charlotte lifts her hand and gives me a small, nervous wave. There have been so many people who’ve come and gone in my life. We’ve never seen each other for long periods of time or really known each other beyond our summers, but every time I see her, even when we were confused or I was depressed or whatever, things always feel a little better when I look at her. No matter the time that’s passed or how one of us might have changed we always still knew each other. I could look at her and see through her to the bits and pieces of her I knew so well, but standing here now, for the first time, I feel like I don’t know Charlotte anymore.

And it really fucking sucks. Which then makes me pissed at myself because she kissed Alec. She let me walk away and she never even told me why.

I’ve never been a pussy before, and I refuse to let myself be one now. I shove my hands in the pockets of my shorts and walk toward her. “Hey.” I nod my head at her and then feel like a douchebag.

“Hey…thanks for meeting me.”

“No problem. Let’s go get a drink.” I open the door for her and she walks in. It’s crazy and stupid, but I could swear she smells like The Village; all open air and trees and water.

I try to buy her drink, but she doesn’t let me. It probably shouldn’t bother me, but it does. If it were Alec, would he be buying one for her?

Charlotte and I head back outside and we’re lucky a table opens up. It’s close to the building and toward the end, which means we’ll get about as much privacy as possible out here. Which isn’t much.

“You’re taller,” she blurts out and then her cheeks go a little pink. “I mean, I think you are. Maybe you’re not, but you look like it.”

“Your hair’s shorter.”

She touches it, making me remember when I used to do that. How she’d shiver and I wondered if she could feel it deep inside her the way I could.

“Yeah. I cut it a couple months ago.”

I think maybe I should tell her it looks good, but I don’t let myself. Just like I don’t tell her it’s good to see her outside The Village. Or ask her how she likes it. Or tell her I’m proud of her. All I ask is, “What are you doing here, Charlotte?”

Disappointment creases her brow, before she says, “It’s kind of a long story. So much has happened, Nate. I want to tell you all about it, but I don’t know if you want to hear and—”

“—Is your dad okay?” I cut her off. Yeah I’m pissed, but I would feel like a prick if something happened to her dad and I never knew. Wasn’t there for her.

“Yeah. He’s fine. As fine as he can be. He’s hanging in there. The MS seems to have slowed down a little which is good. He met someone.”

“Wow.” I never expected him to. He seemed like not much mattered except his family and The Village.

“He says it isn’t serious, but of course it is. She’s at The Village all the time. She helps out there, too. She’s a nurse and works three days a week. If she’s not a work she’s at The Village.”

I can’t help but wonder if that’s why she’s here. If her dad has help now and she’s coming for school or vacation or what. But then…I know she wanted California, so if she’s going to school, I’m sure it isn’t out here.

“That’s cool.”

We’re both quiet and it’s the kind of silence I hate. It’s not like I’m real chatty. Marisol could get like that sometimes and it drove me crazy. This silence is strangling and awkward. “What are you doing here?” I ask again.

She seems distracted, watching people as they walk by.

“Is there somewhere else we can go to talk?”

I almost say yes, but I feel like she’s stalling. “Here’s as good as any place.”

Charlotte flinches, making me hate myself a little. I don’t want to be the guy to make her feel that way.

“School…I’m going to Vassar in Poughkeepsie this fall. Alec and I are out here for two weeks getting to know the city a little bit.”

Aaaand, now I’m pissed. She’s here with Alec, but she called me. That’s not even the worst of the thoughts injecting anger into my veins. A familiar ache in my chest develops that I haven’t felt since last year. She left The Village for him. She’s going away to college with him. Maybe it makes me a selfish bastard to think that way. Her dad needed her and I always understood that, but I still wanted her with me too.

But now she’s here, in my city, with him.

“Bet your dad loves that. I’m sure he’s cool with you leaving for school since you’re with his golden boy, right? Have a good visit.” I push to my feet, but she grabs my wrist before I can get too far.

“I’m not with Alec. I swear. I never have been. He’s my best friend and that’s all, Nate.”

“Then why can’t you tell me what happened that night? If you’re not with him tell me why, Charlotte. I deserve that much.” She flinches again, but doesn’t reply. “That’s what I thought.”

Her grip loosens and I start working my way through the tables and people. I don’t know how I know it, but she’s behind me. She always gave in when it came to her future, but that’s about the only thing.

“Nate,” she calls, but I keep going. “Nate!”

I turn a corner and I’m slowing down. Damn, I’m an idiot, because even though I’m pissed I can’t make myself just walk away from her.

“I’m sorry for hurting you,” she says. Her eyes are red and her face is wet.

“Damn it.” My hand pushes through my hair and I duck into the alley next to us, Charlotte right behind me. “It’s been since August, Charlie! You could have explained a million times. I’m not stupid. I knew when I said we should try to be together that the odds were against us. Who the hell can make it last in a normal relationship, but we had distance, too. But I was willing to try. If you didn’t want to, all you had to do was tell me. It would have sucked, but I would have been okay. I’ve never lied to you. Even when we weren’t together and I went out with other girls I always told you—”

“—I didn’t lie to you, either! I’ve never lied to you! Alec kissed me, but it wasn’t him I wanted. I was caught off guard and then you showed up and all hell broke loose.”

“And if that was all there was to it, you would have told me then.”

I lean against the wall. I don’t want to fight with her. I’ve never wanted to fight with her.

“I would tell you in a second if I could, Nate, and you know that. It’s not my story to tell. This whole year I’ve spent trying to figure out my life. How to be who I am without you and without Alec or my dad.”

“And you lump me in with them? I’m the only one who ever pushed you to go for what you wanted.”

She groans. “That’s not what I meant. You’re trying to fight with me, Nate. That’s not why I messaged. I just want…I just…”

“You just what, Charlie?” It’s the second time I’ve called her that today. It feels strange. She’s always been Charlotte to me.

“I want out friendship back. I miss you. And I know it’s crazy and doesn’t make sense because you’re probably going off somewhere to school. I know you didn’t want to stay close to home and I’m going to be here, but it doesn’t change the fact that after everything, I at least want my friend back.”

My defenses are weakening, softening up with each of her words and I try to turn, but she steps in front of me the way I’ve done with her.

“I want to tell you about my year and explain how I ended up in New York and hear you talk about baseball and I want to look at the stars here with you. I want my friend…”

Her words echo through me. I study her face I know so well. The curves of her body, her hands that I’ve held and that anger is still filling me, but there’s something there pushing it aside.

I miss her.

I want our friendship back, too.

I’ve always wanted her.

I grab her hand and it’s a little awkward, but she doesn’t pull away. She’s breathing hard and all I can think is she’s still wild and crazy as always.

With my other hand I touch her hair and push it behind her ear. “I hate it. No one wrecks me the way you do, but I can’t help it. I miss you, too…”

The whole way home I’m still not sure I did the right thing. I wasn’t lying when I said she wrecked me because she did, but she’s also here and I never really expected her to be. I’ve given her so many of her firsts and she’s had so many of mine that I want this. I want to be the one to show her New York and pretend it’s the world.

I want to be with her when she looks at the stars in the city and see if she thinks they look any different than they do at home.

And I really, really need to stop dwelling over this.

I get home after six. Dad is there like he is most of the time now. Usually the only time off he takes is when we went to The Village every summer, so it’s crazy to see him at home so much and the way he takes care of Mom.

“I ordered pizza,” he tells me as I walk into the living room.

“Nah, I’m good. I already ate. Is Brandon here?” When Brandon’s in town he’s never usually home. He’s off doing whatever with whomever.

“Yeah, he’s upstairs in his room," Mom answers.

“Thanks.” Turning, I run upstairs, my tennis shoes slapping on the tiled floors.

About three seconds after I knock on Brandon’s door, he tells me to come in. The first thing I do is blurt out, “Charlotte and Alec are here.” Wow…way to freak out.

“What? Here?” Brandon pushes to his feet, looking even more tripped out than I feel. What the hell is up with that?

“Not at our house, dumbass. In New York. Why do you look like you’re going to puke? Your football buddy is here. And, you know, the guy who kissed Charlotte when I was with her.”

“You weren’t really with her,” Brandon tosses back.

“How do you know? It’s not like I ever told you anything. We were though.” In a way I feel like I’ve always been with her. It doesn’t make sense because she’s gone out with other guys and me with other girls, but even back then, I knew she was the one for me.

Brandon rolls his eyes. “Yeah, until you got home and realized your girlfriend lived a thousand miles away.”

My brother’s words light a fuse under my barely controlled anger. “Fuck you, bro. It was different with her. Just because you’ve never had anything serious with anyone—”

“Fuck you, too. You don’t know anything about what I have and haven’t had.” Brandon falls back into the chair at his computer desk, still looking a little sick. “And what does that even mean? Just yesterday I asked you if you loved her and you made it sound like she didn’t really matter that much.” His leg is bouncing up and down like it’s on crack.

“Why are we even fighting about this?”

“I don’t know, man. You started it.” Brandon shakes his head. “So…what are they doing here? Did she say anything? I mean, about what happened with her and Alec.”

Opening my mouth, I almost tell him nothing, but then figure it can’t be that bad to talk to him about something. “Kind of. She said she’s not with him and that she never was. She says he just kissed her, which is all stuff she said before. I know there’s more to it than that. Otherwise, things wouldn’t have gone down the way they did.”

Brandon looks at me, really looks like he wants to figure me out. We’re cool, but we’ve never been all that close so I wonder what he sees. Wonder why we don’t really know each other better.

“I believe her,” he says.

I shake my head. “You don’t know her.” Not that there isn’t this part of me who doesn’t know he’s right. I think that’s why I gave in today. Why I told her I want to take her to The Met tomorrow. It’s impossible to really tell her no to anything. “Regardless, I hate Alec and always will. If I see him, I can pretty much promise you I’m taking him out again.”

“But… What if…what if it wasn’t his fault?” Brandon asks. He has his cell in his hand and he’s screwing with it and not looking at me.

“How can it not be his fault? He kissed her, man.”

At that Brandon pushes to his feet. “You have a lot of growing up to do. Things aren’t always as simple as you think they are.”

“I have a lot of growing up to do? Says the guy who doesn’t care about anything but football and getting laid.”

Jerking Brandon’s door open, I slam it before going into my room and falling onto the bed. His words keep playing in my head. He believes her. That things aren’t always cut and dry as I think they should be. Just like that night with Chrissy, I didn’t think of the consequences of telling. Yeah, it was the right thing and I wouldn’t change that, but I never really thought about how it would affect anyone.

This is Charlotte. I know her. I do. And it’s never really fit. If Alec kissed her and she didn’t want to be kissed back, then what was the big secret behind it? That whole night has always been this strange clusterfuck that I can’t piece together to make sense of it.

But I know her.

My brother might be right in at least some ways. Charlotte wouldn’t lie to me. I feel that in every part of me.

Still don’t get why though.

And I can’t help but think my brother got a hell of a lot smarter all of a sudden. I wonder what else there is about him that I don’t know.

We stand at the bottom of the stairs, Charlotte’s eyes practically as big as the building in front of us. People are all around like they always are, sitting on the steps, walking on the street, and taking pictures. I try to see it through her eyes, for the first time with the oversized pillars and the intricate artwork on the upper ledge of the building, but I can’t really do it. Instead I just want to watch her soak it all in. Watch her and wonder what’s happened since I saw her last and then I get a little annoyed at myself for caring.

“It’s so…big.” Charlotte smiles and I can’t help but laugh.

“Yeah, you can say that.” Then we’re quiet and she’s still soaking it in. “It’s one of my favorite buildings in the city,” I tell her.

Charlotte turns to face me. “It is?”

“Yep.”

“I didn’t know that. Though why would I? It’s not like I know everything about you.”

She knows more than anyone else. “I don’t know everything about you, either.”

“Yes, you do.” Her answer is quick. “As much as someone can know about someone else.” Her words spark all kinds of questions, confusion and a little bit of anger. As if she can sense it, Charlotte changes the subject. “What’s your favorite part about it?”

“The small details.” I point to the top. “It’s simple in a way, not over done like a lot of buildings are, but it has those little pieces to it, those little extras that make it special.”

“Buildings are like your stars. I knew, but I’ve never seen it before.” There’s awe in her voice and in her green eyes that I don’t see or hear from anyone else.

“Yeah… I guess you can say that.”

“Can we go in?” she asks and I suddenly can’t wait to show it to her.

“Come on.” Reflex makes me reach for her hand, but I jerk back before I touch her. If she notices, she doesn’t say anything.

We go inside and Charlotte looks even more amazed than she did standing at the bottom of the stairs. Pictures are on the walls and pieces displayed everywhere. Charlotte leads the way; excited in a way I don’t remember seeing when we were at The Village. It’s a different part of her here, one who is more unsure than she was at home, but eager and anxious to figure it all out.

You wouldn’t think so, but it’s kind of hot. It surprises me that as many times as I’ve seen her and everything we’ve experienced together that there is so much more out there to do.

“Don’t they do lectures and stuff like that too?” she asks.

“For sure. Wanna go to one?”

“Oh my God! Yes!” She moves like she’s going to hug me, but just like I did with her hand earlier, she pulls back.

I just want to put it out there. Ask what the fuck happened to us and how we can get it back.

“Are we going or what?” She smirks, breaking the ice.

To hell with it. Putting my arm around her shoulders, I say, “I don’t remember you being this pushy… Oh, wait. That’s a lie. I do.”

“Nate!” Charlotte tries to pull away, pretending she’s mad, but I hold onto her and keep her close.

“It’s a good thing to always tell the truth, right?” I tease again.

Charlotte crosses her arms. “I don’t remember you being so mean. Oh, wait. Yeah I do.”

We laugh as we keep walking and then we’re not laughing and her head’s on my shoulder and all I can think is it feels like it did at the beginning of every summer. Like it always has. Fuck, I missed this girl.

“So...how ‘bout that Eros, huh?”

Charlotte rolls her eyes.

“You have to admit it’s kind of crazy. I definitely didn’t expect a lecture on Eros, God of Love.” Though maybe I should have.

The sun burns my eyes when we step outside again.

“Why not? What’s wrong with it?”

“I didn’t say there was anything wrong with it. Did you like it?”

Charlotte stops and looks at me, into me. “I loved it.”

What is it about her that turns me so inside out? My hands itch to grab her, to pull her to me and kiss her and talk the way I only do with her. “I’m glad.”

“Nate—”

“—Come on. I’ll get you back to your hotel.”

Charlotte nods.

“Subways are so cool,” she says as we sit inside.

That makes me laugh. “If you say so. I’m sure most of us could think of a few other words for them.”

Charlotte watches everyone, her eyes never staying still for very long. I have to remind her to get off when it’s our stop. Her hotel isn’t a long walk from the subway, and when we get there, I pause her before she goes inside.

“If Alec is here, it’s probably not a good idea if I go up there.” It’s not a good idea regardless.

Sadness dims her eyes. “Nate… I need to know you believe me. Alec doesn’t like me like that and even if he did…it’s never been him for me. It never will be.”

I’m not sure if it’s smart, but my reply is automatic and honest. “I do. I believe you. It doesn’t mean I’m not pissed, because I am. I wish you could trust me with the truth.”

“I do. You know I trust you with everything. It’s just not my truth to tell.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that I deserve some answers.” She opens her mouth to reply, but I continue. “I’m not trying to fight with you. I’m here, Charlotte. That means something. Today was…”

“Perfect,” she fills in the blank.

It wasn’t. I know that and she knows that, but I can’t deny her reply either. It’s like that with us. Imperfections are still perfect. Just being with her is.

“I’ll pick you up tomorrow morning, okay? We’ll do Times Square.”

Charlotte replies with a nod.

I wonder why I haven’t told her I’m going to Columbia. That we’ll only be an hour and a half train ride from each other. Reaching out, I touch her hair. “I’m glad you’re here, Star Girl.”

Pulling my hand back, I turn and walk away.