Текст книги "Fast Forward"
Автор книги: Marion Croslydon
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Текущая страница: 9 (всего у книги 14 страниц)
CHAPTER 18
Josh
The last month had been like saying goodbye to Lucas over and over again. There’d been Thanksgiving and there was now. But now was only for a few days. Cassie and I were on our way to Steep Hill for Woodie’s wedding. After that, we’d be back to Kansas City and Lucas before flying together to D.C. for Christmas. We wanted him to get used to his new home.
“Cass, we have to go.” I tried to ease her away from Lucas as gently as I could. His tight grip on her wasn’t making it easy. They finally let go of each other. “We’ll be back in no time.” I said that to console Lucas but it could have been to Cassie as well.
They nodded, keeping their lips tightly closed, mirroring each other’s expressions. I knelt to level my gaze with Lucas’s. “So, Champ, you have three days to get your bag ready. We’ll be going directly to the airport from here.” I held my hand up and he high-fived me.
“I’ll be ready. Promise.”
I gave him a quick hug. We couldn’t linger on the Sorensons’s porch. It’d only upset Lucas, but it sucked to only be segments of our son’s life. For all our sakes, we had to have him with us for good very soon. Hopefully it’d happen in January.
We returned to our rental car and Cassie let out a heavy breath. The tips of her fingers brushed the area underneath her eyes to wipe away the tears. I was leaning towards her to hug her when my cell rang.
Trisha, Lucas’s caseworker. The call was brief and Trisha wasn’t her usual bubbly self. She wanted to see us ‘as a matter of urgency.’
“What was that about?” Cassie gave me a frown.
“We have to stop by Trisha’s before going to Kansas.”
“Why’s that?”
“No idea. But she wasn’t giving me the option.” I checked my watch. “Her office isn’t too far from here.”
I made sure my voice didn’t betray the concern that had sneaked its way into my guts. I kept the conversation light for the entire drive, but it was impossible to miss the signs of worry from Cassie, starting with the bone-white knuckles clenched tightly around her knees.
She sprang out of the car and I hurried to catch up with her. We’d met Trisha there before and within a couple of minutes we were knocking at the door of her tiny office.
“Come in.” I opened the door and was about to let Cassie enter first when I saw who was sitting opposite Trisha.
I didn’t think twice before stepping forward to stand in front of Cassie. “What are you doing here?”
My father answered with one of his smirks and I knew we were in trouble. For him to be so deadly calm, he must have the upper hand in some devious way.
Behind me I felt Cassie stiffen. She tried to step around me, but I stopped her by wrapping my arm around her shoulders and pulling her back against me.
“Please, Joshua, Cassandra, take a seat.” Trisha waved at the small chair next to the one my father sat in. I led Cassie over to it, moved it as far away from him as possible and made her sit.
“I guess introductions won’t be necessary.” Trisha was a smiling lady, but she was somber today. The way her lips were stuck tight together warned me the shit was about to hit the proverbial fan. “Mr. MacBride,” she cleared her throat, “I mean, Josh’s father here has brought to my attention some disturbing allegations. As Lucas’s caseworker, I can’t ignore them even though we are far advanced in the adoption process. I will also have to share them with your caseworker in D.C… and, of course, the judge if the facts are verified.”
“What are these allegations?” I made a point of keeping my voice neutral. I stood right behind Cassie and laid my hands on her shoulders to reassure her but also to warn my father she was off limits. “Should we have our lawyer with us?”
“It’s up to you. I asked you to come to my office before you left the city because I wanted to hear your side of things.” Trisha cleared her throat again. “You’ve never hidden the marital problems you went through over the past years. You know how important transparency is during the adoption process. However Mr. MacBride told me those problems went far beyond what you’ve shared with me or your D.C. caseworker.”
Cassie squeezed my hand, but I had to ignore her distress and start the fight. “What exactly has he told you?”
His smirk was stuck on his face as he leaned further back into his chair.
Trisha continued. “Apparently only one week before you and Cassie applied for adoption you were still engaged to a certain Miss Carrington. Is this true?”
“I told you I was involved with someone else. I was living with her and we’d even planned to go back to D.C. together. I’ve discussed that with you and our caseworker back home.” I had to make Trisha see who we were now. “We’ve never pretended that our relationship had been smooth sailing anyway. What should matter now is that we are together.”
Trisha stared down at her hands that lay flat on her desk. She wasn’t enjoying it but I knew she’d force her way to the end. “The fact that you were so seriously involved with someone other than your wife such a short time before starting the adoption process does make me question how committed you are to each other and to providing a stable home for Lucas.”
“We didn’t lie to anybody. We didn’t lie to you.” Cassie bent toward the edge of Trisha’s desk. I heard despair in her voice. “He had filed for divorce, for God’s sake, it doesn’t shout happy marriage.”
Trisha’s gaze warmed when she focused on Cassie. “You’re right and you never lied about the fact that you and Josh were estranged since Lucas’s birth. The engagement isn’t really the problem… There’s something else.”
“What?” We both asked her. I was trying hard to pretend my father wasn’t in the room. Even breathing the same air as him made me sick.
“Apparently your problems have gone right back to the start of your relationship and marriage.” Trisha shuffled in her seat and cleared her throat for the third time. “The fact that you’re Lucas’s natural parents has played a deciding role in speeding up the adoption. That, and the fact his foster family is moving out of the state.”
“I’m not sure I follow you, Trisha.” I really wasn’t until I caught a glimpse of my father out of the corner of my eye.
“I’ve been told you might not be Lucas’s biological father, and given how chaotic your marriage has been, I can’t just ignore this fact. In addition to that, the allegation comes from your father, not a total stranger.”
The sob Cassie let out next was my undoing. I lunged forward and went straight at that asshole. I grabbed him by the collar, lifted him up and, in one more stride, had him pinned against the wall. I heard Trisha scream, but I didn’t care anymore. My fingers circled around his neck and I enjoyed the fear I saw in his eyes. “You have to keep spoiling our lives, making us waste six years wasn’t enough for you. I’m gonna—“
“—Josh!” It was Cassie, but she sounded far, far away. “Champ!” Her hand grabbed my wrist. She was now too close to my father for comfort. I didn’t want her to be in the same room as him ever again.
I let him go and he slid pathetically down the wall into a crumpled heap on the floor. I stepped backwards taking Cassie away with me. I sat her back on the chair and let my fingers brush along the side of her jawline. I shut my eyes to regain control of myself. When I had done so I managed to sound all-business. “Lucas is my son. I have absolutely no doubt about it. However, to make sure my father’s allegations are quickly disregarded, I have no problem taking a paternity test.”
Trisha had kept her gaze fixed on my father. Slowly, she reverted her attention to me.
“I’m sorry, Josh, but the judge will very likely need to verify your claim. When you and Cassie put Lucas up for adoption six years ago, you were legally his father because you were married to his birth mother. But you gave up your legal rights then and the clock reverted to zero.”
“I understand.”
Trisha’s face betrayed her relief.
“Lucas is Josh’s son. He’s your grandson.” Cassie was broken. She faced my father, her whole body begging him, imploring him. “Why can’t you let us be? Let us be together. We’re not asking for anything from you. We only want to be a family. Nothing more.”
His fingers were clawing at his neck in pain. Good. He didn’t have the decency to answer. He simply nodded at Trisha. “I had to do what I thought was right.”
Utter bullshit!
I heard the door click behind him. I had to keep myself from hunting him down to finish what I’d started.
I couldn’t, and failing my wife so badly punched me hard in the stomach.
“So where does that leave us? Apart from the DNA test.” I tried hard to sound polite. I was dying to reach for Cassie but she looked… gone.
“I need to liaise with your D.C. caseworker and discuss the situation with her and the judge. We need to make sure Lucas’s biological dad isn’t somewhere out there because he could always claim Lucas later on.” Trisha stood and walked around her desk to come and sit on the chair left vacant by my father. “Please understand that we have to be one-hundred per cent sure your personal situation is as you’ve said. Single parents can adopt but you’ve applied as a married couple—and the child’s biological parents—and this is how the adoption has to be approved. So now is your last chance to be honest with us. Is there anything else we should be aware of?”
“We have nothing to hide.” I answered back, my eyes looking straight at hers. “Cassie and I have had our ups and downs, maybe more downs than most people, but she’s the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with and the mother of my son. That is the only truth.”
Trisha let the silence hang between us before asking, “So you’ll have no issue if we get in touch with Miss Carrington and check the facts with her?”
“No problem whatsoever. I can give you her number, but she lives in Paris now. Our relationship is over.”
“What about Christmas?” Cassie cut in. “We’re supposed to have Lucas with us.” There was a wobble in her voice.
Trisha took Cassie’s hand. “I’m sorry, darling, but I expect the judge won’t let you go ahead with the plan. I’ll have to write a report, file the paperwork and, of course, we have to arrange for the paternity test. It has to be done properly. It’s likely the judge will cancel any pre-placement visits as long as the situation hasn’t been clarified. We can’t have Lucas getting even more attached to you in case… Josh’s father told the truth.”
“I understand.” But Cassie didn’t sound as though she did.
There was no reason to let the meeting drag on any longer. I thanked Trisha and escorted Cassie out of the office and out of the Department of Social Services building. A gust of frozen wind blew into our faces as we emerged into the road below. I took her under my shoulder and led her back to where our car was parked.
Inside the car, I switched the heating on and took Cassie’s hands between mine and rubbed to inject some warmth into them. She let me do it but we didn’t talk. I had to say something though, “I’m sorry, Cass. I’m truly sorry.”
Her eyes took time to focus on me and, when they had, she had a dazed expression. “What for?”
“For fucking up. It’s all my fault.”
“It isn’t anyone’s fault, Josh. Let’s not play the blame game again.”
“I never hid the fact that Lenor and I lived together. We were engaged for only a few weeks anyway.”
Cassie shrugged. “I agree, but the real issue bothering Trisha is if you’re not his biological father.” She couldn’t hold my gaze and all about her screamed defeat. “How are we going to tell Lucas we’re not spending Christmas together?”
Guilt hit me even harder. “We’ll give him a call tomorrow. Trisha didn’t say anything about Skype. We could—”
“—Skype?” Cassie’s voice cracked over that single word. I enveloped her in my arms and cursed the gearstick that stuck up between us. Her head snuggled in the hollow of my neck. “It’s his first Christmas without Jenna and Chris… and Alfredo. I can’t leave him on his own. I can’t.”
I kissed her temple and waited for the right words to come to me. They didn’t. I waited some more. “I’m sorry.” How fucking lame.
Cassie was crying. I couldn’t hear her but the tiny shake of her shoulders told me as much.
I had failed them. I had failed my wife and my son. I couldn’t let that happen again.
CHAPTER 19
Cassie
I didn’t remember much about my wedding day. I’d arrived late and Gran had gone apeshit, that I remember. I’d worn her wedding dress. I remembered that as well. It was very 70s, all frills and laces. It’d been December but I’d had daisies in my hair. I must have looked like freakin’ Laura Ingalls walking down the aisle.
The only thing that had mattered to me on that day was Josh waiting at the end of the aisle. He’d worn the same tuxedo as he’d had at Homecoming. It wasn’t as well-tailored as the clothes he had these days, but he’d looked like Prince Charming to the seventeen-year-old me. Pity our love story hadn’t turned into a fairy tale. But I guess princesses aren’t supposed to be knocked-up when they say ‘I do.’
I shook myself. Today wasn’t about me. Today was about my best friend and his bride.
“I’d heard about Bridezilla, but not Groomzilla.” I closed the door behind me and forced a smile onto my face. I wasn’t used to playing BFF to Clarissa.
“I can’t believe it.” She did a little pirouette in front of the full-length mirror and returned to admiring herself in her wedding dress. “He was so laid-back and then suddenly he started panicking about the flowers and the color of the napkins. He even started a crash diet last week.”
To be fair, Woodie had put on weight since the last time I’d seen him. Maybe Clarissa had practiced baking her cheesecake one too many times. I walked toward her until I could see my own reflection. I was the best man today and Clarissa had decided I had to look the part. She had made—with her own hands—a bespoke tuxedo, bow tie and all, just for me. So that was what I had on.
“You look beautiful,” I said, my eyes meeting hers in the mirror. I wasn’t lying or forcing myself to be nice. She was a very pretty thing today and, with the delicate lace covering her bosom, she was a very demure thing too. “Shall we?” I extended my arm as an invitation.
There were no bridesmaids, so Woodie had put me in charge of escorting his bride from her home to the church. I swear the guy was expecting her to run away. But, as the best man, I had to indulge the groom. So I did just that. I even helped Clarissa get out of her father’s SUV without staining or creasing anything. At least, my tuxedo wasn’t getting in my way.
The ceremony was all violins, happy tears and vows of eternal love… and yet more happy tears. I stood next to Woodie, keeping my eyes on him because I couldn’t look back and meet Josh’s gaze. I just couldn’t.
I was grateful to be the official driver because I managed to go to the barn where the wedding reception was, without having to talk to him. Even there, I played at being a busy bee, making all of Clarissa’s wishes come true.
I was a coward, but Josh wasn’t going to let me get away with it.
“Beer?” He handed me a bottle of Bud. “Given how you’re dressed, I thought it was more appropriate than wine.”
The venue was packed and I recognized some familiar faces dating back to high school. I wasn’t really in a social mood, but I’d rather have dealt with that than with Josh. I took a swig of beer and enjoyed its coolness and then I had another swig because I didn’t want to talk.
“Cass, stop it.”
“Stop what?”
He fixed me with his gaze and I felt damn stupid. I stared down at the tips of the polished black boots I’d bought for the occasion. “Sorry.”
Josh didn’t say anything. He came and stood closer to me. I expected him to touch me or something. He didn’t. He simply leaned against the wall and took another sip of his beer. He stared at the crowd around us and seemed completely relaxed. I started fidgeting because, as much as I hadn’t wanted to talk to him, I hated silence. He knew that, so he kept on with this little game. The dude could be such a cool customer sometimes.
“I’ve been avoiding you,” I blurted. He gave me his signature brow-arching stare. It always made me straighten up. “I’m so sad and sick about not having Lucas with us for Christmas. I don’t know where to put all these feelings.”
Anger flashed through his eyes and he came to stand next to me. “Then share them with me. That’s what being married is about, no? I’m a grown-up man. I can deal with it. For both of us. But you never let me.”
I didn’t want to be a damsel in distress. My hand flew to his face and brushed the sharpness of his jaw. “You don’t need to shelter me.”
Josh shook his head. “You shouldn’t have to pay for my mistakes or my miscalculations. I’m the reason you can’t have your son for Christmas.”
“My son?”
He frowned and I knew he hadn’t picked up on the nuance. So I continued, “Lucas is our son.”
“I know that. Listen, if it’s about what my dad said about Lucas not being mine—“
“—I know, I mean, I know you know Lucas is yours, genetically yours but…”
I wasn’t sure which words to use. It’d been there in the back of my mind since the day Josh asked for a second chance at Sweet Angel Point. That horrible question I wasn’t strong enough to ask myself or ask him.
Josh took hold of my shoulders. “Please, Cass, tell me—”
“—I’m so happy you’re here!” Clarissa sauntered between us. Curls of her flame-colored hair were now loose and, based on the unfocused look in her eyes, she was dancing around the tipsy point.
Josh stepped away from her but she didn’t notice. “It means so much to me to have you at our wedding. I feel so guilty for being such a bitch back in high school.” She took a big gulp of her sparkling wine, splashing some on her dress.
I’d not often seen Josh uncomfortable, but he was now. Well, the last time the three of us had been together, she had his dick in her mouth.
“It’s all in the past. We’re glad you make Woodie so happy.” I squeezed her hand.
“Bitching about me?” The mountain that was Woodie now had his arms around Clarissa’s tiny waist and his nose snuggled in the nape of her neck. She enjoyed having him graze on her. There was some cooing and some giggling and some kissing. Josh and I exchanged a look that didn’t last.
I gulped down half of my beer in one go, with my eyes stuck somewhere other than on Woodie, his bride, or Josh. I watched the newlyweds roll away with relief. Except that they left me alone with Josh and more questions ping-ponging inside my head than before. I pretended to pay attention to the crowd around us, giving a smile here, a wave there.
“It’s not going to go away, Cass. I want to get to the bottom of it.”
I wasn’t sure I wanted to. But he gave me no option as he grabbed my hand and led me outside the barn.
“Josh, it’s fucking freezing outside.”
He didn’t answer but instead hurried me toward a smaller barn on the other side of the field. He pushed the door open and disappeared inside. I waited at the entrance until he switched on the light. I stepped in and he closed the door behind me. It was warmer there and I let my muscles relax. Not for long because I was alone with Josh. He buried his hands in his pockets. The wind tossed his hair and his bow tie was undone. I liked him better like that, not clean cut like he always was back in D.C.
“How much longer are we going to stare at each other in silence?” His voice was softer than I expected and it kind of eased me into opening up.
“I’m scared.”
He let my confession settle between us and I forced myself to hold his gaze.
“Are you going to tell me why you’re scared?”
“I’m scared you’re with me because of Lucas.” I swallowed hard. “But I’m also scared you want to adopt Lucas because you always do the right thing rather than doing it because you want to be his father, because you love him.”
Josh simply nodded, like one of those politicians I’d seen on TV during the presidential debates. Next, was he going to take notes or what?
“So if I understand correctly: you’re scared I’m with you so I can be with Lucas. But, at the same time, you’re scared I don’t really want to be with him but am acting purely out of duty.”
“Yes.” But there was more.
“So you’re scared of pretty much every scenario out there?”
I let out a heavy breath. Frustration was taking over. “I don’t need you to get all patronizing on me,” I barked but I had to get a grip because this was going nowhere. “The first time we were together you promised me your life, but when there was no baby anymore you went straight to Clarissa for a blow-job.” Damn, it was out there now.
“Do we really have to revisit the same moment over and over again? My time with Clarissa wasn’t my proudest, I’ve admitted that countless times. But it was five years ago. You have to let the past go.”
“Being with you now means I have let the past go. But I feel like my whole world is about to crumble all over again.”
He started toward me but I held up my hand to stop him. I had to finish. “When I decided to get off the tour, I did it knowing that we could get Lucas back. I let myself dream about that perfect picket-fenced life you used to ramble on about.”
“But it’s still possible. What happened in Kansas City was a set-back. I won’t let anyone take Lucas away from us. We have to be patient and let Trisha cross all the t’s and dot all the i’s.”
I knew all that. It was all reasonable and fine, but… “When have things ever worked our way?”
“Now, Cassie, it starts now.” He was hovering over me, not touching me but I felt his strength. “We’re not seventeen anymore, with no clue about anything, no clue about ourselves. We’ve seen the best and the worst in each other. We’ve screwed up badly.” He gave a bitter chuckle. “I won’t let that happen again.”
“I get it, Josh. We’re better and smarter people today. But what’s left of us without Lucas?”
Josh gave me a puzzled look. I had to choose my words carefully. I gave myself some time and walked around the small space in the barn. I ended up sitting in a small wooden recess along the wall. I laid my hands on my thighs. “If you think about it, most of our history as a couple has revolved around him. Me getting pregnant, us getting married, the whole abortion lie and break-up… and then there was Oxford and the adoption.” I shrugged. “One way or the other, Lucas has defined our relationship.”
“Children define most people’s relationships and marriage,” he talked down at me.
I looked up at him. “But most people had a relationship before having kids.”
“Come on, Cassie. We’ve known each other for almost twenty years.”
“We dated for one full year back when we were sixteen. That’s it.”
He stepped closer. “But what about the last six months? We’ve built a life in D.C. We have a home with freshly-painted walls and all those nice curtains you spent hours hanging.”
My mouth curled up into a sad smile. “What would be left of that home if Lucas doesn’t come to live in it? What would be left of us?” My questions hung between us for too long. “I can’t have more kids. Is that something you can deal with: a childless marriage?”
“Stop!” I saw that I’d struck something painful deep within him. “I’m not going there. As soon as the holiday season is over, Sawyer Curtis will be on top of it and it’ll be over in no time. Lucas is going to come and live with us.”
I gave him a nod but we kept staring at each other in a silent challenge. I held my chin high. It took a great deal of effort because Josh could be goddamn intimidating when he wanted.
When he spoke again, his voice had softened. It even felt as if he was in pain. “I wonder if the real question is about what you’d do if we didn’t get Lucas. Would you stay with me? Would you share the rest of your life with me having his shadow hanging over us, between us?”
I didn’t answer. He started retreating back to the heavy wooden door of the barn. He put his hand on the latch and looked at me over his shoulder. “Do you love me enough to be with me without him?”
He left me staring down blindly at my hands.
I turned his last question over and over in my mind until I realized he hadn’t answered mine.
