Текст книги "Fast Forward"

Автор книги: Marion Croslydon

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Текущая страница: 5 (всего у книги 14 страниц)

CHAPTER 11

Cassie

I hadn’t been allowed to see Lucas.

We made it to Kansas City mid-afternoon on Sunday. In the end, there hadn’t been any seats left on the early morning flight. When we landed in Missouri, I called Trisha again. She called Sharon Sorenson.

Sharon told her Josh and I would have to wait until Monday afternoon to see our son, after he finished kindergarten. Trisha blurted the word ‘routine’ five times on that damn call.

I wasn’t totally delusional. I knew I didn’t know much—or anything—about raising a child. Yet. But what I did know was that my boy wasn’t too young or too dumb to know that his grandfather was gone for good. What I also knew was that he needed a friend to talk it through with. And I was pretty much the only one left from his previous life.

“Be nice to Mrs. Sorenson,” Josh warned me again.

He was right to say so. I’d used a lot of words to describe her over the past twenty-four hours. None fit my new proper-speaking code. I mumbled back an ‘of course’ and crossed my arms over my chest.

But I’d get my son back one way or another. Sooner rather than later.

Sharon Sorenson opened the door. Josh went all P.R. on her and she mellowed. There was even the shadow of a smile when she let us in.

“He’s in the kitchen.”

Not on his own though. I recognized the neighbor, Andrea Loretti. She was pouring batter into a muffin pan. Holy Moly, did this woman ever do anything else but bake muffins?

Lucas’s mouth was twisted the way it always did when he concentrated, the tip of his tongue sticking out slightly from the corner. I guess Mrs. Loretti was keeping him busy. That was good.

“Hi, Lucas,” Josh broke the ritual.

Both Mrs. Loretti and Lucas jumped at his greeting. My gaze turned to Lucas to see if there were any signs of grief on his face. His cheeks were as round and pink as usual. He gave no sign of being upset until his mouth shaped into a silent ‘oh’ and his chin start to quiver.

“Cassie,” he cried out, but his voice broke.

Lucas jumped down from the seat he’d been standing on. He rushed between the table and Mrs. Loretti and crashed into me. I missed a breath—and then another—not because of the shock of his little body pounding against me. His pain had become my pain. I was a kid all over again. A kid whose mom had gone AWOL. A kid who’d never been on the receiving end of anything but neglect and abuse.

I knelt down and locked him in my arms. His little arms were wrapped around my neck. Their hold on me tightened as if I was a lifejacket floating on the waves and he was drowning.

“Trisha said you’d come, but I wasn’t sure.” His voice trembled and his breath tickled my skin. His words had only been for me. Knowing that, my love for him took root even deeper down inside my heart.

Something shifted within me. I became Lucas’ mom. Not the one who’d carried him in her belly, or the one who’d given birth to him one June day five years ago. Not even the one who’d watched him grow up from afar. I became—I was—his mother, the one person who had the power to chase the clouds away and bring the blue sky back into his life.

My hands cupped the sides of his head so that I could look him in the eyes. “I’m here, Lucas. We’re going to get through this. I promise you.”

He shook his head. “But Grandpa’s dead.”

“I kn—”

“What did we say, sweetie pie?” The term of endearment clashed with Sorenson’s arctic voice.

Lucas snuggled back against me. I stood but kept him wrapped around me, his head pressed against my stomach.

“What did we say?” Lucas didn’t answer, so Mrs. Sorenson got on with her sermon, “If we don’t say the D-word, it’ll help feeling better.”

What sort of BS was this?

“But Grandpa is dead,” Lucas shouted back. “He’s dead like Mommy and Daddy.”

He buried his face against me, tension pulsing through him. I massaged his shoulders, stroked the back of his head, repeating little shushing sounds. His arms circled my waist with a strength beyond that I’d expected from a five-year-old.

I was grateful Mrs. Sorenson kept her mouth shut. It was safer that way. Andrea Loretti stared at Lucas while she kept kneading the material of her apron. If only one of her muffins could make it all better.

“I think you’re angry,” Josh sliced into the heavy silence. He turned around one of the kitchen chairs and sat astride it, his eyes level with Lucas. “You’re sad, of course, but you’re angry because you feel like someone has stolen your grandpa away from you.” Lucas’s head nodded against me. “Do you know what I do when I feel like I want to scream in anger? I play football.”

Lucas moved away from me. He wasn’t saying anything though, so Josh continued: “Do you still have the ball Cassie gave you, the Rangers one?”

“In the shed.” His voice was guarded. “In the garden.”

“Should we go and get it then?” Josh extended his hand. I expected Lucas to clam up again. Instead he placed his little hand in Josh’s and, without a word, followed his lead into the backyard. If there was ever anything to say about sports as therapy, it was right now.

I headed toward the garden to join them but stopped at the glass door. They were stepping out from the shed, Lucas running with the ball. His arm was arched above his head preparing to throw it. His face was still empty of any expression, but he was moving, exercising, working some of the grief out of his system. It was good. It was healthy, wasn’t it?

“I’d planned to make some chocolate chip cookies.”

I’d forgotten I wasn’t alone. I looked over my shoulder at Mrs. Loretti. She had one of those kind chubby faces that warm you.

“I guess nothing beats football when it comes to guys.” I wanted to make her feel better because she’d tried to help Lucas.

She kept on mixing the batter like there was no tomorrow. The woman was nervous. Was it because of me?

“It’s very sweet of you, Mrs. Loretti. Each time I come around you’re baking something nice for my—for Lucas.”

“Please call me Andrea.” She dismissed my comment with a shrug. “Baking is pretty much the only thing I do properly.”

“Oh, I’m sure that’s not true. And besides, it takes a lot of skill to bake. I couldn’t even do that to save my life.”

I take it Andrea was a card-carrying member of the Fragile Ego Club. I had a lifetime membership too. I made my way back to the rectangular table next to which she stood.

“I have some housework to do. Andrea, you can stay if you want,” Mrs. Sorenson offered. “I wouldn’t say no to one of your chocolate chip cookies.” The woman left the room with what could almost be a smile.

“You’ve got to share your secret with me,” I said, while my eyes welcomed the sight of Sharon Sorenson walking away.

“What secret?”

“You made her smile.”

Andrea covered a chuckle with her hand. “She’s not that bad,” she whispered as if we were naughty schoolgirls winging about their teacher. “Maybe not affectionate enough, but she takes good care of him. Good food, good routine.”

“You know a lot about kids. I mean, what’s a good routine, baking….”

“I come from a big family. Two brothers, three sisters. I’m the oldest. So I’ve changed my share of diapers.”

I’d been my mom’s only child, but I’d often wondered if the man who’d fathered me had other kids too. Maybe I had a large family somewhere. I kicked that thought in the butt: The only family I had—and would ever have—was playing ball in the backyard. “Will you go to the funeral?”

Andrea shuddered. “Mr. Guidi’s?” I nodded. “I’m not sure. I never had the chance to meet him.”

“You should come. He’d have loved you. He was crazy about Lucas and anyone who was nice to his grandson would earn serious brownie points.” My voice struggled over the last words. My teary gaze hunted some invisible stain on the stark white of the kitchen wall. Damn, I was going to miss him.

“Then if you think it’s fine for me to attend, I will. I’m sure my husband would like to be there too. He’s fond of Lucas.”

“Sure.” I waved at the ingredients spread over the kitchen table. “So can you show me how to make these chocolate chip cookies of yours?”

Over the next fifteen minutes, Andrea taught me how to whisk eggs, mix the creamiest batter, and all that without wasting a drop of mixture. When she left me in charge of overseeing the cookies as they baked in the oven, I did it as if my life depended on it. During the ten minute cooking time, I thought about Alfredo and Andrea Loretti. About Shawn and Will, who’d been in Vegas last night. About Andrea Loretti again. Hearing Sharon Sorenson in the background reminded me of how she’d managed to give Lucas a ‘routine’—some stability—throughout the shittiest times.

When I took the cookies out of the oven and laid the tray on the stove to cool down, I’d made up my mind. I grabbed my phone and began dialing. This was going to be a short conversation. While on the phone, I drank in the sight of Lucas and Josh playing ball outside. Josh threw quick glances at me. He smiled because Lucas was giving everything to the game. He could have been training for the NFL.

I hung up and stepped out onto the deck.

“Dude, I need a break. You’re too good.” Josh faked falling over. “Why don’t you practice your kicking while I talk to Cassie?”

Lucas was eager to please. He grabbed the ball from the grass and started kicking it against the garden fence. He did it with so much heart that I guess he was working out some of the anger Josh had seen in him.

Josh joined me on the deck. His hair was a mess. When he checked back on Lucas and clapped his hands again in encouragement, his dimples had never been so deep in his cheeks.

“Well done, Champ. You broke through his defenses. Lucas needed some ‘guy’ time.”

Josh shrugged at my praise but pride made his dark eyes brighter. “Where is Mrs. Loretti?”

“She had to get back to her place. She left me in charge of the cookies. You’ll be happy to know they haven’t burnt or anything.”

Josh didn’t pick on my lame joke. “I called Curtis this morning. We’re scheduled to see him tomorrow afternoon after the funeral. That way we might be able to fly you back to Santa Fe and the tour late afternoon. It won’t be a direct flight so you’ll be wiped out by the end of it.” He stepped closer to pull me against him. “I’ll fly to D.C. tomorrow night. I have to get back to work.”

“Of course you do,” I answered against his chest. “What do you want to discuss with Curtis? You told me the application had been filed.”

“I have some questions about the next steps. Just want to make sure we’re doing things right. I’m keen on moving the process as fast as we can.”

“Because of Alfredo’s death?”

Josh left my question unanswered, then said, “Yes, because of Alfredo’s death.”

I knew my man well enough to know he wasn’t telling me the truth. Or the whole of it.

CHAPTER 12

Josh

Lucas shouldn’t be here.

Sharon Sorenson had been in favor of it. Trisha, his caseworker, had given him the choice. He’d said he wanted to go, but what does a five-year-old really know about funerals? I’d been left watching him in his Sunday best, his eyes glued on the coffin, his hand tight within Cassie’s.

My own hands had hung loosely at my sides. I was powerless. Playing ball wasn’t going to cut it this time.

“He’s been strong.” Cassie watched Lucas getting into Mrs. Sorenson’s car. When it disappeared around the corner outside the cemetery gate, I expected her to break into a sprint and chase after him.

My fists clenched in frustration. “Trisha should never have given him the choice. I should have stayed at home with him.”

“I disagree.”

“Why’s that?”

“He’s already experienced so much grief. Maybe being here today will help him deal with Alfredo’s death, his parents’ deaths. I don’t know much but we should trust and respect Lucas’s choices.”

“Do you think seeing your own mother’s coffin would have made things any easier?”

“I don’t know.” She gave a shake of her head. “I had nothing left to grieve when she died.”

The breeze played with the wisps of her hair. September had come. Alfredo Guidi had gone and I’d barely had time to get to know him.

“Mr. and Mrs. MacBride?” A baritone voice cut through my thoughts.

It belonged to a man in his mid-forties whose shoulders were as bulky as a fridge. He could easily have been a bouncer at one of Cassie’s concerts. Next to him stood Andrea Loretti.

“I’m Andrea’s husband, Vince.” he introduced himself while extending his hand. I shook it. So did Cassie.

“I’m glad you came. I’m sure it was good for Lucas to see some familiar faces.” The warmth of Cassie’s greeting wasn’t matched by Andrea or her husband. The woman refused even to meet her gaze.

My guts vibrated in warning mode. I seized Cassie’s hand and pulled her closer to me. I waited for the guy to make a move.

He started with a cough. Despite his huge frame, he managed to look awkward as he shuffled his feet and shrugged his shoulders. “Andrea and I, um, we thought we should tell you that we called an adoption agency last month.”

“You’ve decided to adopt? I’m sure Andrea will be a great mom. Congratulations.”

I swallowed a groan and pulled her closer under my shoulder. She threw me a questioning look. Still, Loretti didn’t comment and kept on with the shuffling and shrugging.

Shit, the guy had no balls whatsoever. “You’re talking about Lucas.”

Cassie shuddered. I helped her stand up straight.

“Yes. We wanted you to know. Um, because Andrea said how real nice Mrs. MacBride was to her.”

“That’s so very decent of you.” Sarcasm wouldn’t help. My girl had frozen beside me “What do you want me to say? That you have our blessing to adopt our son? You’re mistaken, Mr. Loretti. I’m sure your friend Mrs. Sorenson told you we applied to get Lucas back. We’re his birth parents.”

I saw a flame ignite in Loretti’s dull eyes. He was starting to get worked up. “You gave up on the boy once. I’m sure a judge will look at it and see you could do that all over again.”

“Never,” Cassie cried through a sob. Her lips trembled.

My hand gripped her shoulder even more tightly. The threat in my voice contradicted my next words. “Mr. Loretti, you should do what you have to do. We will do the same. However be aware that I will explore every legal avenue to ensure that Lucas, Cassie and I can be a family at last. I won’t leave any stone unturned.” The shrugging and shuffling doubled in frequency, so I added, “There are plenty of other children who need a loving family” to tone down what I’d said.

Loretti opened his mouth but no sound came out for a while until, “Andrea is very attached to the boy. He’s a great kid.” With that, he guided his wife back to their car.

I spun Cassie around so that the couple couldn’t see anymore how the news had hit her. I marched her to a bench not far from Alfredo’s grave. The crowd had already dispersed. There were only us and a couple of cemetery employees left. She slumped down, her arms wrapped tightly around her stomach as though she had been punched. I knelt at her feet, my fingers caressing her hair before gently sliding them down to massage her neck and shoulders.

Minutes passed without her saying a word. Slowly, the tension in her body receded. Finally, she let out a loud breath followed by a bitter chuckle. “You saw this coming.”

“Yes, but—”

“When?”

“From the first time we met her. She looked far too intense around Lucas.”

Another bitter chuckle. “And there I was baking cookies with the woman. I’m so fucking dumb. You should have told me.”

My hands followed her jawline, the curve of her neck and ended intertwined on her lap. “I’d hoped I was being paranoid.”

“Is that why you were desperate to meet up with Curtis today?”

My fingers squeezed hers. “I’m not desperate, Cass. We are Lucas’s birth parents and it does matter a great deal in eyes of the law. We have to press on with the adoption as if nothing had changed.”

“Everything’s changed.”

“No! We’ll be a family again soon. I’ll keep my promise to you, Cass. I will.”

Unshed tears blurred the bright blue of her eyes.

I checked my watch. “We should be on our way if we want to make it on time for Curtis and then the airport.”

She lifted her chin in that tough way of hers. I helped her up. Before heading to our rental car, Cassie paused by the hole where Mr. Guidi’s coffin lay. I heard the whispered good-bye she addressed to him. In my heart, I saluted him too. My promise to Cassie was also to Lucas’s grandfather.

The drive to Curtis, Curtis and Brown, LLP was punctuated with only a few words. Apart from that, we remained stuck in our own bubble of worry. Their downtown offices were plush with carpets as thick as the Aspen snow. The colors were neutral but refined and the furniture were dark mahogany wood.

A secretary led us to Curtis, who was his usual owlish self. I shook his hand. I was almost relieved to see the man. I didn’t waste any time and dived into the development regarding the Lorettis. The double arch of his eyebrows challenged some of my confidence.

“I’m not going to lie to you, Mr. MacBride. We’d be in a more secure position without the Lorettis’ interest in Lucas. Case-file mining is proven best-practice by child caseworkers in finding temporary or permanent placements.”

“Case-file mining?” Cassie asked.

“A caseworker will try and explore the connections a child already has with supportive adults. In Lucas’s case, people who know him personally or professionally. Close neighbors would likely qualify here.” Curtis steepled his fingers together. “At this stage though, you should focus on your own application and make sure nothing slows down the home study. I’ll take care of the inter-jurisdictional angle.”

“Tell us what you expect from us and we’ll deliver.” No matter how much work I had with my new job, I’d nail down every question he sent my way.

“Now that we have completed the application forms, we should schedule pre-service training and preliminary interviews with the family worker in D.C. As soon as it’s done, I’ll push forward for the home study.” He picked up a fountain pen and started scribbling notes. Without looking up from his notepad, he asked, “Cassandra, when will this tour of yours be over?”

“It’s over. At least for me. By the end of the week, I’ll be with Josh in D.C. I have to clean up my finances back in Kansas by selling my gran’s farm to pay off her medical bills.”

My hand crashed against the arm of my chair. Cassie made a point of fixing her gaze on Curtis who kept swinging back and forth between the two of us.

“I’m available as soon as next week for an interview. I’ve already Googled some parent support groups in D.C. How many training sessions will be required, do you think?”

“Four to ten. The more the better, since you’re young and have no previous parenting experience.”

I tilted my upper-body forward, my fists still wrapped tightly around the pommels of my chair. “Cassie, we need to discuss this.”

“Not now,” she cut in and without another look at me offered the warmest smile to Curtis, whose cheeks switched from stark white to a pale purple. “Is there a way to speed up the home study process?”

“Well,” Curtis pushed his glasses back up to the top of his nose. “Make sure all the information you supply is complete and accurate. In addition to that, you should get on with your autobiographical statements and contact the people you’d like to use as personal references. The idea is to be as transparent as possible. You’ve already provided me with your financial details, marriage license and birth certificates. So we have a head start.”

“When do you think we can expect to have Lucas with us?” There was so much longing in her voice that I almost forgot how pissed-off I was with her.

Curtis wriggled in his seat. “I tend to avoid making predictions like that, Cassandra. A lot of things can go wrong, but if you’re ready to get the ball rolling and dedicate yourself completely to the process for the next months, I’d hope for you to have Lucas scheduled for a pre-placement visit around Christmas. You are his birth parents after all and had the full support of his grandfather.”

Hope emanated from every cell in her body. She gave a short nod to the attorney, but her shoe kept tapping against the foot of her chair. Cassie sauntered out of the attorney’s office. When we stepped out onto the sidewalk, it had started to drizzle and the breeze had built up into a wind.

I didn’t want to burst Cassie’s bubble. I didn’t want to argue with her when I was about to board a flight that’d take me far away.

But I had to let my disappointment flare up. “When did you make the decision not to come back on the tour?”

She looked as if I’d brought her crashing back to planet Earth. “I called Shawn yesterday while you were playing with Lucas. I apologized for letting him down. But after the bomb the Lorettis dropped today, I know I’ve made the right choice.”

“Dammit, Cassie. Why didn’t you talk to me about it first?”

“Because it was my decision to make and because you’re too stubborn or too much in love with me to see that it’s what we need to do.”

“To sacrifice the best chance that has happened to your career?”

“It’s not a sacrifice Josh. A compromise, maybe, but not a sacrifice. We have to be on our game. Our lives, our relationship were a wreck and we’ve got to clean up the mess. As soon as I’m in D.C. with you, I’ll start making a home for us and Lucas. I’ll start by painting the walls in our apartment and cleaning up the back yard and—”

“—and baking cookies all day? You don’t need to do that to be a good mother, Cass.”

A short, sharp laugh burst from within her. I wasn’t trying to be funny. “Baking cookies isn’t that bad, you know.” She brushed my cheekbones with her fingertips. I had to fight the need to lean against her touch. “I’ll stay in Kansas City for the next couple of days, close to Lucas. Maybe they won’t let me see him every day, but at least I’ll be around. Then I’ll board a Greyhound to Steep Hill and kick my realtor’s butt to speed up the sale of the farm. After that, I’ll fly to D.C. and look for a job.”

“You don’t need to work. I can provide for—”

She silenced me with a touch to the lips. “I’ll wait tables or work in a shop as long as they’re day shifts and I can help out with the bills. Even a little.”

Listening to her was like taking a step back in time. “You’ve got it all figured out, haven’t you?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re doing it all over again. Making decisions for both of us without giving me a chance to weigh in.” I couldn’t deal with the innocent look she gave me. I spun around and created a safe distance between us. When I saw less red I turned to face her again. “Our relationship has been a wreck because you look at it as if there’s a ‘Me’ and a ‘You’, never an ‘Us.’”

The business crowd hurried past us. It was lunchtime and, as the rain drops intensified, no one lingered or paid much attention to a couple in the middle of a full-blown domestic argument.

“You’re so freakin’ right, Champ. Nothing has changed.” Her chin did that stubborn thing again I didn’t find so cute anymore. “You’re supposed to be the smart one, but you still totally lack any common sense. You think you can control life and make it fit into whatever ambitious plans you have for yourself. Well, I hate to break it to you, but it doesn’t work like that. It never has.”

“At least, I don’t always give up when the going gets tough. There were only two weeks left on the tour.”

She flinched and I felt like a jerk. “I’m not giving up on Lucas this time. I’ll never let go of him.”

“You’re giving up on yourself.”

“I’m not. Maybe the Lorettis don’t have an Ivy-League education. Maybe they have an average job with an average life, but from what I can see they’re ready to welcome a child into their lives, ready to make space in their home, in their hearts. Are we?” She swallowed hard. “Are you?”

I loved Lucas. But was I ready to be a father? I didn’t like the direction my thoughts were heading. “Do you think Shawn or his agent will give you a second chance now that you’ve pulled out of the tour?”

Cassie blinked and I knew my question had hit home. She didn’t stray from her course. “The only second chance I need is with Lucas.”

The sky chose that moment to split wide open. A wall of rain broke over us and I rushed toward Cassie. My arms engulfed her and I pushed her toward the entrance of the underground parking lot. When we made it back to the car, we were positively soaked. And positively mute.

I grabbed a sweater I’d thrown on the back seat before the funeral and handed it to Cassie. She thanked me and swiftly removed her white shirt, which was now see-through after the rain. I forced my eyes to look away from her lacy bra and reminded myself we were still in a public place. Reminded myself we were technically still arguing.

I drove in silence towards the motel where we’d been staying for the last couple of nights. It was close to the Sorensons’ house. It was a bit sleazy and I wasn’t a fan of Cassie staying here on her own. I kept my mouth shut though and packed the few clothes I’d taken with me on Saturday before flying to Phoenix.

When I checked the time, I didn’t like it. I had to get to the airport, back to D.C, and the rift between Cassie and me was still wide open. I slung the bag over my shoulder. Cassie stood from the edge of the bed where she’d been sitting the short time I was getting ready.

“What’s bothering you?” she asked.

“I’m going to ask it. Sorry if this sounds like I’m overstepping the line, but do you have enough to pay for the extra nights here and the trip back to Steep Hill?”

She answered me with a shy smile. “I do. Thanks for asking.”

There was nothing else to say. I had to make a move now or I’d miss my plane. I opened the door, Cassie close behind me. I gave the room one last look, ending on the bed we’d slept in, our bodies intertwined.

Cassie was there next to me, but her heart was closed up. I couldn’t leave knowing that. I stepped toward her and looped my arm around her waist. She rested her head against my chest. My free hand stroked her neck and pulled her closer against me. My mouth took hers, my lips, my tongue owning hers. I didn’t tease. The kiss wasn’t foreplay. I wanted it to have its own meaning.

When I stepped outside, the slight shake of Cassie’s hands and lips made me feel good about myself. Not for long though, “Goodbye then.” I tried to make the words sound all casual. “Each time I leave you I feel that silent fear inside me, the fear I might never see you again, that you could change your mind and break my heart all over again.”

I’d said too much. I waved at her with the tips of my fingers and turned away.

“Champ!” I stopped and looked back at her standing against the doorframe. “I’m not sacrificing anything.” I couldn’t miss the tears that meshed with her voice. “I’m happy never to set foot on stage ever again and simply sing off-tune under my shower every morning. As long as I make him happy.”

“I want to look after Lucas, but I also have to look after you. Make sure you’re both happy because one goes with the other.”

“I’m doing exactly what I want to do. Not just for Lucas or you, but for myself too.”

“I trust you, Cass, as long as you’re sure you’re telling the truth. To me and to yourself.”