Текст книги "Double Clutch"

Автор книги: Лиз Реинхардт

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Текущая страница: 10 (всего у книги 18 страниц)

“I don’t think I’ll ever have it any better than an entire year off,” I pointed out.

“Good point. Now, I’m going to bed. Tomorrow we can have a cocoa and candles date.” She kissed me again and left.

I held my phone in my hand, thinking about how nice things had been last year. Mom and I had been able to relax and tour Denmark a little. Thorsten had been happy to be home again. I had been a little lonely, but happy, too.

That life already felt really far away. I was sad that it was gone, even though I knew there was no going back to it. What I had now, with Jake, had changed my very definition of happiness. If I had never met him, it might have been different. But now that I had known him, it was unthinkable that I might not know him anymore or be close to him or have him know me. And that’s what made me dial his number again, even though I had been close to crying when we hung up before.

“Brenna?” His voice sounded weird and tight like mine. I couldn’t imagine him crying, but I’d never heard his voice sound that way before.

“I had to go. My mom needed to talk to me.”

“Did you talk about how to get rid of loser boyfriends?” He sounded a little sad for himself.

That was irritating.

“No. Believe it or not, I have more things to talk about than you, Jake.” It felt good to shoot him down a little, even if the only reason I didn’t talk to Mom about him was because I was scared out of my mind for her to know Jake existed the way he did for me.

“I’m sorry, Brenna,” he said in a rush. “I’m sorry I got so pissed before, and I’m sorry I assumed your world revolves around me. This is a freaking mess.”

“Yep.” I let my mouth pop around the word. Now that he was taking the blame for our fight, I was fully prepared to let him accept it all. If he would just tell me what was up with him and Saxon, I wouldn’t have to play guessing games with him.

“So, how do I fix it?” His voice was worn and tired.

I felt a tiny pinprick of pity for him, even though I didn’t want to. I think it was because I knew Jake was sweet and caring and good; I knew he was in Saxon’s web as much as I was. So I went easy on him. “You have to be more understanding. Just because I take a ride with Saxon doesn’t mean he’s my boyfriend, or even my friend. I want to go see you, but I haven’t told my mom about us yet, so it’s kind of weird getting a ride.”

That last fact sat heavy between us on the line.

“Oh,” Jake said flatly. “Are you going to tell her?”

“I want to.” We both knew it was a weak response.

“Do you think she wouldn’t approve of me?”

No. I knew she wouldn’t. Even if, by some miracle, she fell in love with Jake, she was still against my having a boyfriend at all. And the problem would be, once she knew I was with someone, she would start watching me more. If I was sad, she’d blame him; if I was angry, she’d blame him. I just knew that’s how it would be with my mother. Her love was incredible, but also a little claustrophobic.

But I didn’t even have the energy or the language to explain that all to Jake. “My mom doesn’t want me to date.” I left it at that.

“Oh.” He sounded a little relieved. “So she would hate any guy?”

I thought about her gaga behavior with Saxon. “Yes,” I lied.

He laughed softly. “Am I crazy for feeling like that makes it a little better?”

“No.” I grabbed the book with his picture in it and flipped it open to his smile.

“Are we okay, Brenna? If I screwed this up…” He didn’t say anything else, but I could hear the strain in his voice.

“You didn’t,” I promised. “When you’re ready, you can tell me about Saxon. Once I know, it will make things easier. I know it will.”

Jake sighed. “That’s the thing with Saxon though.” There was a bitter ring to his words. “I’ll tell you the story, but I can’t really explain what exactly I have such a problem with. He can complicate things in a way no one else can.”

“I think I might understand better than you think,” I said, remembering Saxon’s fingertip on my ankle.

“Remember I told you I was drinking a lot that one summer?” I told him I did. “Well I stopped once before I stopped for good. I had been with a girl, and she thought we were going to go out, and she got really upset. She was alright, you know? I just didn’t want to date her.”

I felt my heart thud irregularly. “Okay.”

“So I decided to stop because I realized I was hurting people I hardly even knew. Saxon was my best friend. Had been for years. He was the one who got the alcohol from his older cousin. When I said I wanted to stop, he called me a pussy, said I got soft over some slutty girl. Anyway, I wound up at a party and he was there. I told myself I wouldn’t drink, then I decided I’d just have one or two.” He was breathing hard.

“You don’t have to tell me.” A big part of me wanted him to stop. There was a huge element of morbid curiosity, and I also wanted to know the honest truth, even if it was going to hurt. But I was in way over my head, and I had the distinct feeling I would drown in all of it.

“I have to.” His voice shook hard. “Man, I should have just done this in one clip.” He stopped and took a ragged breath. “That night, Saxon was there, and I couldn’t stop drinking. He wasn’t doing anything I could put my finger on, but it was like I wanted to show him that I wasn’t a lightweight, or that I could control myself. It sounds so damn stupid now. But I got really, really drunk. That’s the night my tooth got chipped and I woke up in someone’s bed with no shoes. The girl told me Saxon had punched me in the mouth and broke my tooth. She told me he took my shoes and told her to take me to her house or he’d kill me.”

“Why?” I was a little sad by how shocked I wasn’t.

“I have no idea. I swear. I never talked to him again. I never answered his calls, I never went to another party. And I never drank after that night.”

“Jake.” I sighed.

“Yeah, I know. I hate a guy because I got drunk and he might have stolen my shoes and broke my tooth. It sounds ridiculous.”

“No, it doesn’t.” I fell back on my bed and stared at the ceiling without seeing it at all. “Saxon has a way about him, and he’s tricky.”

We sat in silence, both of us thinking about how Saxon had managed to make us feel something we didn’t want to feel or do something we didn’t want to do.

“He likes you Bren.” Jake’s voice was barely audible. “Oh God, he’s done this a hundred times with a hundred girls, but I never cared about any of them until now.”

“You think I’d leave you to go out with Saxon?” I asked, my voice a little high with rage.

Finally, Jake laughed a little. “Well, when you get all bent out of shape like that it gives me hope that you won’t.”

“I don’t like Saxon, Jake.” I debated telling him about Saxon’s annoying presence, about the kiss, about the ride. But, in the end, I felt like enough had been confessed. Or maybe I was just plain chicken.

“He has a way of growing on people,” Jake warned.

“Like a fungus,” I griped. He laughed again.

“So, what are we going to do about Saturday?”

“Don’t get pissed,” I started.

“Brenna,” he said, his voice a little cracked. “I’m never pissed at you. I’ve been really unfair so far, and you’ve been nothing but awesome to me. Don’t hold back. I promise you, I won’t get pissed at anything you have to say.”

“Saxon is kind of fishing for something. Let’s let him see we’re stronger than that. He seemed like he genuinely missed hanging out with you. Why don’t we let him see we can be together around him and it will be on our terms?”

As I said it, I felt a red WARNING sign flash in my head. Jake and I were amateurs. Saxon was the king of head games, and messing with him was only asking for trouble.

Despite those intensely sane reasons, I wanted to do this. And I wasn’t about to admit to myself the reasons why.

“I don’t love the idea of you being alone with him.” I could tell he was moody by the clipped way the words fell out of his mouth.

“Why don’t we ask Saxon to pick you up first?” I suggested. “Then you can both come and get me, and we’ll all go to Vernon.”

“That’s a lot of driving for him,” Jake said uncertainly.

“Are you worried about his gas mileage?” I laughed.

“Do you think he’ll agree?” Jake asked, not even laughing with me.

“Yes, I do.”

It took him a few seconds. “Okay. It’s a deal.” He was quiet again. “Do you mind if we talk about something else?”

“I would love it.”

“I wish I could see you right now.”

“I know exactly how you feel.” I wriggled against my pillows.

“What are you wearing?” His voice twined deep and low in my ears.

I felt a rash of goosebumps prickle over my skin. “A blue tank top and black underwear.”

He let a long breath crush out of his lungs. “It’s snowing out, Brenna,” he scolded, his voice a little shaky.

“My mom keeps the heat on really high.” I ran my hand over the skin that peeked out in the gap between my tank and my underwear, and I wished it was Jake’s hand instead. “So what are you wearing?”

“Just my boxers.” It was like I could feel his blush right through the phone.

“Jake Kelly, it’s snowing,” I scolded back. I wondered what he looked like in just his boxers. I was sure that was the point of this whole game. We were supposed to wonder what the other would look like, feel like. I had never actually seen his chest and stomach, but I knew it would be rippled with muscle because I had felt it through his old shirts.

“I don’t have pajamas or anything. I don’t know. If I had them I might wear them. This house lets so much wind in, you’d think you were outside.”

I felt the familiar sadness for Jake that bobbed up whenever I thought too much about where he lived or what his life was like outside of school. “Are you cold?”

“Nah. I’ve got blankets. It would help if I had you here.”

“How was work today?” I didn’t exactly want to get away from our topic, but it was making my head spin and my heart race, and I didn’t know how to deal with it.

“Crappy and cold. My hands feel like they’re going to fall off.”

“Don’t you wear gloves?” I remembered how red and chapped his hands were when he walked me out after school this afternoon.

“You can’t for everything. I drove the tractor today, and it’s hard to grip the steering wheel and the shift stick with gloves on. I’m just bitching, though, Brenna. Work was alright because this is the week that I get the big paycheck.” His voice glowed with pride.

“What’s the big paycheck?” His enthusiasm was contagious, as usual, and I found myself free-falling into the excitement with him.

“It’s the one that will fix my truck. I think it’ll get the motor going, and once that happens, I’m ready for my license.”

I laughed, because he sounded like such a happy little kid. “You can’t wait to get your license, huh?”

“Of course I can’t wait. I mean, I was always excited, but now that I have you, I really can’t wait.” I could hear the smile in his slow, deep voice.

“Why do I change things?” I had a good idea what the answer would be, but that didn’t mean I didn’t want to hear it from him.

“Because I’m going to be able to drive you home. I won’t be so worried about you getting back and forth to school. And I’m going to take you on real dates. Like dates where I pick you up and drive you somewhere nice.” His voice mapped out so many delicious possible ways we could spend more time alone together.

“Jake, you know my parents aren’t really okay with me dating yet.” I was, all at the same time, so ready for Jake to drive and so nervous for that time to come. I imagined sitting close to him, making mix CDs to listen to, parking and kissing. But I also imagined having to tell Mom and Thorsten that I was dating Jake and begging permission for him to come pick me up. I was desperate for the one equally as much as I dreaded the other.

“You have two whole months to get them ready for it. I couldn’t stop thinking about you today.” I heard springs squeak on his end, like he’d turned over on the bed.

“Really? Why’s that?” I turned over on my stomach.

“I don’t really know. I was helping harvest pumpkins in the snow, and I couldn’t keep my mind on work.”

“Do you mean to tell me even pumpkins in the snow couldn’t take your attention away from me?” I teased.

He laughed. “Smartass. I mean I couldn’t keep my mind on work. I was thinking about how much I wanted to kiss you again. And I was worried as hell about you getting home.”

“It was fine,” I lied quickly.

“It will all be different soon,” he promised. “Then I’ll come pick your cute little butt up and kiss you senseless in my truck.”

I felt a warm tingling. “You’ve got a one track mind.”

“I like you for more than the physical stuff, Bren,” he said, suddenly all serious.

“No, not me.” I felt a tickle of pure giddiness. “The truck.”

“Well, she’s a great truck.”

“Ugh,” I groaned. “You’re referring to your truck as a ‘she.’”

“You would too if you could see how pretty she is.” The note of wistfulness in his voice was half endearing, half completely frustrating.

“This conversation is too romantic for me, with all of the pumpkin and truck love. I’m going to bed.” I smiled and cozied down, ready for sweet Jake dreams.

“Not yet,” he said, his voice low again. “I was trying to tell you, before you interrupted, that I couldn’t get you out of my mind all day.”

“Are you complaining to me again?”

“Not at all. I’m telling you I really care about you. I worry about you all the time. And I like you. I like talking to you on the phone. I never wanted to talk on the phone to anybody before. And I like looking at you working in class. I like reading the same books as you. I just feel like we’re going to be great together.”

There was a lump in my throat. “Thanks, Jake.” My voice quivered. “I feel the same. I feel like we’re so good together.”

“I agree. And now that I got that off of my chest, I’ve got a sexy girlfriend wearing almost nothing to go dream about until I get to see her in school tomorrow.”

“Oh, we don’t have school tomorrow, Jake. Snow day,” I said, remembering the news Mom had delivered.

He groaned. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but that sucks. Alright, this is scary.”

“What’s that?” I asked, and I couldn’t stop smiling. I heard him get up, and a few seconds later he opened the fridge, popped a can, and drank. “Are you drinking soda?”

“Yeah.” He laughed. “That’s all Dad buys. You sound so shocked.”

“It’s the middle of the night, Jake. That’s so not good for you.” I felt a little gross just thinking about chugging a soda before bed.

“Well, I’m not used to all this talking.” He paused and I heard him take a long drink and swallow. “I need to keep hydrated. And I’m in shock that I feel so sad about a snow day.”

“Are you missing me already?”

“Don’t joke about it. I really am.”

“I miss you, too.” I ran my hands along the wide, empty bed. I was suddenly so tired I couldn’t keep my eyes open. “Wow, I’m tired.”

“Sleep, then. Sweet dreams, Brenna.”

“You, too,” I said through a long yawn. “I’ll see you soon.”

And then, I thought I heard something, but maybe it was sleep deprivation. Maybe it was the stress of all Jake had dropped on me in one night. But it could have been real.

I thought I heard Jake say, “I love you.”

Chapter 9

The next morning, the sun was shining white bright against the snow, which was already melting. The weather had changed completely again, leaving a chilly, soggy day that was getting warmer by the minute.

“Hey sweetie.” Mom peeked in my room. “I got my office assignment today and was going to run down for a bit and set up. I know it’s early, but the other adjunct will be there, and I can get some serious work done. Are you okay for a few hours?”

I rubbed my eyes and blinked. “Of course. Go! Get set up. Do you need help?”

“Maybe later next week,” Mom mused. “But, no honey, not today. Are you sure you‘ll be okay all day alone?”

“Mom!” I groaned. “I love you, but you worry too much. I’m just going to veg and watch TV and read my new book. I have my cell on.” I held it up for her to see.

She kissed my face and told me to lock the doors and keep the phone by me, then left. I went to the kitchen and watched out the window as her car pulled backwards down the driveway. I was glad she had her job, but there was something lonely about it, too. I had been with her every single day last year, just the two of us and Thorsten. Now we were both getting on with our own separate lives, and something in me ached for the time we had before with just the two of us, even as I reached out for Jake. And maybe Saxon.

I pushed boys out of my mind for a while. I made my oatmeal and ate, then flipped on the television. After about fifteen minutes, I turned it back off. How could people get addicted to this crap? There was absolutely nothing good on.

I took a long shower and got dressed, then straightened my room. I was just thinking about calling Jake when I heard the mechanical whine that had scared me before. I checked my makeup in the mirror, then burst through the door and into Jake’s waiting arms.

“Jake!” I cried and pressed my mouth to his. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed back, opening his mouth and deepening the kiss like he was hungry for the taste of my mouth.

“It’s so good to see you, babe.” He was a little breathless when he pulled away. “Are your parents around?”

“No.” I felt a little bit of guilt at how happy that declaration made me feel. “Come in. I mean, do you want to?”

“Seriously?” He grabbed my hand and followed me into the house.

I dragged him to my bedroom and we tumbled on the bed I’d just made. I was lying flat on my back and he was propped on his side, just looking down at me.

“Hi,” I said, and felt shy suddenly.

“Hey,” he smiled, and I put a finger on his eye tooth, then pulled away. He traced a finger down my nose. “You’re so beautiful.”

I swallowed hard. “You too.” He laughed. “Or handsome.”

“Whatever,” he shrugged. “As long as you like what you see, I’m gonna consider myself lucky.” Then he lowered his head and kissed me softly on my lips. I stretched towards him for more, but he pulled back and kissed me on my cheek, then my jaw, then my ear, then my neck, then my collar bone. He stopped at the little dip between my collar bones. He was breathing pretty fast.

“Is it hard to be with me?” I felt nervous about what to do next, how far to go.

“No,” he said too quickly.

“I mean, is it hard to kiss and fool around, even if you know it won’t lead to sex?”

“No.” He shook his head so hard his hair fell into his eyes. “I want to take things slowly with you.”

“You haven’t asked what I want.” I looked him right in his light gray eyes.

“Don’t do that, Bren,” he whispered, pressing his forehead down on my shoulder.

“Do what?”

“Tempt me,” he said in a strangled voice that was muffled by my shirt.

“I’m not trying to.” I immediately felt like a tease.

“I know.” He looked back up at me. “It’s just easy to do more than you mean to. I don’t want to do that to you. But tell me what you want.” He closed his eyes and set his mouth in a hard line.

It was funny to see him so serious. It wasn‘t like I was going to ask him anything crazy. “I want to see you…” I started, then felt myself blush. “I want to see you with your shirt off.”

He looked relieved. He jumped back off of my bed and kicked his boots off. Then he lifted the hem of his shirt a little, showing me a glimpse of flat, hard stomach. I felt, to my complete shame, my mouth start to water.

“Looking good.” I sat up on my elbows.

Jake shook his hips jerkily in what I imagined he thought was a sexy dance. I laughed so hard I could hardly draw breath in.

“Are you ready for this?” He pointed at me and raised his eyebrows.

“I was born ready.” I wiggled on the bed.

He turned so his back was to me and took his shirt off in that weird way guys do it; he pulled the back collar and yanked it over his head.

His back was nice, firm and bulgy with muscles. His shoulders and biceps were also bunched and powerful looking. When he turned, his face was bright red, but I can’t say I looked at it too long. His pecs were hard flat planes of muscle, and his stomach was ridged and defined all the way down.

“Ooh,” I sighed. “You have a real six-pack.”

He smiled and crawled onto the bed, his strong arms boxed around me. I reached my hand up and moved it along his newly revealed body. He closed his eyes. I didn’t. Hello, I had the world’s hottest boyfriend! There was no way I wasn’t going to take a good long look.

I slid my palms along his ridged skin, bumping all the way down to the line of his boxers. It was a little strange to touch him so intimately, but the truth was, I’d thought about doing this a thousand times. If there was one word going through my mind, it was finally. His hips were narrow and a little boney. I could see them at the edge of his pants, which he wore a little too low. I dipped my fingers under the band of his boxers to the skin just above the region where I knew I shouldn’t go. He sucked his breath in through his teeth, and I ran my fingers under the elastic, in the front and back. I wasn’t going to go any farther, and that was a good thing. As far as I’d gone was far enough. I could tell that he was completely hard.

When I pulled my hands away, he let his body settle on top of mine and kissed me deeply, hungrily. I moaned into his mouth and felt my own sound tumble into his body.

He pulled away and steadied himself. He was pressed against me, and it felt good. I liked the fact that he was hard, and I liked that it was because of me.

His hands slid up my shirt, to just under where my bra ended. His fingers felt so hot on my stomach and rib cage that I was surprised it didn’t singe my skin. One thumb, then the other traced the skin just beneath my underwire.

“Is this okay?” he asked vaguely, but I knew exactly what he wanted, and since I wanted it too, I nodded.

His hands pressed up under the cups of my bra, and the contrast of our skin made me gasp. His hands were rough, hard and scratchy. The skin of my breasts was very soft. His hands pulled against them firmly, squeezed and pressed. It didn’t seem like it should possibly feel as good as it did, but it did. He kissed my neck and the space behind my ears. I lifted my hips and rubbed against his thigh, pressing myself to him. He increased the pressure and speed of his sure fingers, and his lips traced down along my neck and to my collarbone.

I was warm and wet from it, and wriggling against him. His hands continued to move over my skin and my breath came out in short pants that made me want to grind my hips against him with more force. When I felt his calloused fingers on my nipples, there was a sudden shuddering between my legs. It felt like it radiated out, filling me with a warm, shaky heat. My body went stiff, and I pressed hard to him and moaned a little. Jake pressed his mouth over mine and kissed me fiercely again.

He closed his eyes and pulled his hands from under my shirt slowly, as if he were using all of the strength in his body to do it.

He rolled off of me, so we were lying next to one another.

Jake stared at the ceiling, breathing heavily. “Did you come?”

“I don’t know.” I was surprised he noticed what I imagined was a very slight tremor in my body. “How would I know for sure?”

He laughed and reached for my hand. When he found it he squeezed hard. “It’s different for guys. I mean, I know when it happens for me.”

“It felt really good.” My voice sounded completely dreamy in my own ears.

“Very glad I could help.” I looked at his profile, the funny crooked smile and his messy hair, and I kissed his ear.

“Did you come?” I put my mouth close to his ear.

“No.” He turned to look at me. “I don’t need to.”

“I think you might want to reconsider that.” I looked right at his pants where he was still obviously big and hard.

“I’ll take care of it later.”

“Is there, um,…is there something I could do?” And I did want to. When my fingers were almost where they shouldn’t have been, I’d wanted to go farther. I was curious about his body, and I wanted a little of the power I knew would come when I touched him. I had been thinking about him, dreaming about him, and I wanted to touch him, plain and simple.

“Brenna.” He groaned and slung an arm over his eyes. “Don’t do this to me.”

“Do what? I want to help.” I brushed my lips over his cheekbone and his forearm, the one covering his eyes.

“Are you sure?” he asked, his voice choked.

“Of course. I want you to be happy.”

He took my hand and guided it down his pants, and left it where I had stopped before. He undid the button of his jeans and unzipped the zipper. He dipped his hand under the band of his boxers and pushed them down, exposing his penis.

I tried not to look too shocked, but it was the first time I had ever seen one close up. I couldn’t judge very accurately, but it looked big to me. It was surprisingly pink. I ran my hand lightly over it and he shuddered a little. I was surprised it was so hard but also really smooth and soft, and that it was so warm.

“What do you like?” I asked.

He still had one hand over his eyes. I couldn’t tell if he felt embarrassed, or if he was just overwhelmed. “I use lotion,” he said, and I could see him blush. “And I just…uh, rub it.”

I hopped off of my bed and got a tube of hand lotion. I squirted some in my hand and wrapped my fingers around it uncertainly. I rubbed up and down.

“Like this?” I asked.

He put his hand over mine and squeezed more than I would have thought would be comfortable. He helped me set a rhythm and after a few seconds, he removed his hand. It was just me, touching Jake in the most intimate way in the quiet of my room. I watched his face, and saw his mouth was hanging open slightly. He had moved his hands to his sides, and his fingers were balled into fists around the covers. His eyes were screwed tightly shut, and it almost looked like he was in pain. Soon he was jerking his hips up slightly, and I moved faster, when he suddenly half sat up and knocked my hand away, covering the tip of his penis quickly. He fell back and moaned, his hand still over his groin.

“Brenna.” He shook his head and smiled.

I felt a strange sense of pride and the new uncertainty that I realized was normal when he and I did something new together for the first time.

“Do you need a tissue or something?” I asked, returning his smile. He turned red and nodded.

I went the bathroom and grabbed a box from the closet, planning to keep it under my bed. I didn’t even want to think about why I did that instead of just grabbing a handful, because that would be admitting my true and complete deviant transformation. I stopped in front of the mirror and took a quick inventory.

Sometimes when I was a little kid, I’d look at my own reflection on my birthday and really expect to see a change I would notice. I felt that way, looking at myself after being with Jake. It was the same old me, but I expected something to look new or weird or changed. But it was just the same old Brenna.

I handed Jake the box and he mumbled a thank you, cleaned up and threw them in my wastebasket, then pulled his shirt back on.

He seemed suddenly sullen and quiet.

“Jake, is something wrong?” I was surprised he wasn’t happier.

“No.” He sat on the edge of my bed and his head hung down between his legs. “I just feel a little bad. Did I go too fast for you?”

“It’s more than I’ve done,” I admitted. I sat next to him and put my arm around his waist, kissing his neck. “If I didn’t want it, I would have told you so. Do you believe me?”

“Yeah.” He smiled crookedly. “You’re pretty direct. You’re actually really direct.” His voice changed, like he was shocked by my ‘directness.’

“Is that bad?” I felt just a little offended.

“No. Not at all. Just, before, I was always totally in control, if I can even say that. Because I was always drunk. And as far as I know, so was the girl.”

“So, was this the first time you’ve fooled around sober?” That was a crazy thought.

“Yeah.” He put his arms around me and dragged me on his lap. “But, more important, it’s the first time I’ve ever done that with you. Everything’s going to be really different with you.”

“Because I’m so direct?” I narrowed my eyes at him. But I also felt a little rush of happiness. Because I wanted it to be better with me.

He laughed. “I meant it as a compliment. Was it really…um, was it really your first time?”

“Yes! Was I terrible?” I wasn’t being humble; I really thought it was pretty awkward.

“No,” he said solemnly, shaking his head. “Not at all. I’ve never been so turned on in my life.”

I kissed him and soon we were back to lying on the bed, kissing and holding. Now that he had come he wasn’t being as aggressive, but I liked it both ways.

I was kind of surprised I’d liked it so much. When Jake first told me about how he fooled around with so many girls, I thought it might be cheap or disappointing. I think the difference was I really cared about Jake, so instead of the whole thing being awkward, it felt freeing and safe and good. Really good.

He just held me, and I was breathing the smell of him in when he sat up in a panic.

“What time is it, Bren?” He grabbed around for his boots.

I checked my bedside clock. “Three thirty. Why?”

“Damn it, I’ve got to leave.” He pulled his boots on. “I still have work today.”

It was on the tip of my tongue to ask him to skip work, but I decided against it. Much as I wanted him around, I knew his job was really important to him, and he needed the money.

I walked him out the door and stood by while he put on his jacket and hat. The sun was already low, and it was getting colder by the minute. I shivered a little, and Jake pulled me into his arms and kissed me.

“Go inside, Brenna. I don’t want you to be cold.” He rubbed his hands up and down my arms.

“Okay.” But I couldn’t uproot myself from the spot right in front of him.

He kissed me again. “I’m so glad I got to see you. And I had a really good time.”

“If there are no snowstorms, I’ll see you tomorrow.” I kissed him.

“Are we going to talk tonight?”

“Yeah, we will. Call me when you’re showered and in bed after work.” I hated catching him before he took some time to clean up and eat. I knew he would never turn down my phone call, which was sweet but so impractical.