Текст книги "Double Clutch"
Автор книги: Лиз Реинхардт
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Текущая страница: 14 (всего у книги 18 страниц)
“Yeah, I am. I know, I’m a little weird. I always have been, socially. I just can’t figure it all out. Like Piggy. Or Simon. Maybe I’m like a combination of them.”
I cringed. The two who were totally bullied through the entire book.
“You aren’t like Sam and Eric because there’s no one you’re that close to. You aren’t that popular. And you’re not Roger.”
“If you meet someone like Roger, run the other way fast,” I said. He smiled at me. It was an awkward, nervous, wary smile, but it was a smile. “You’ll know him. He’ll have a stick sharpened at both ends.”
He laughed out loud, a kind of donkey bray mixed with a wheeze, but it made me laugh too.
“So I think we should do whatever we agree on first.” Devon took out a fresh, non-doodled piece of paper. “What about Piggy and Simon?”
“Don’t lump them,” I warned and took out my own paper. “Piggy is thoughtful and believes in leadership. Simon is more of a free spirit, and he’s the only one who communicates directly with the Beast.”
Devon and I broke the school down, agreeing on groups and assigning. We gave Piggy to the Righteous Whiners/Social Misfits, those aggravating kids in your AP class who remind the teacher there was supposed to be a pop quiz when everyone else was praying the teacher forgot. Simon, we decided, was the Achieving Pothead group; still socially present, but nervous, panicked and prone to seeing more than was there. Sam and Eric were the jocks and their groupies, happy together, likable, not many real thoughts of their own. Ralph was the Moral Intellectuals, those do-gooder achievers who aced every test and worried over the fate of everyone in the world. Roger was the Quiet Rage group, the ones who loved horror flicks, made lists of people they wanted to kill and were gleeful about torture and little else.
That left Jack.
“Jack is Saxon, your not-boyfriend.” Devon wrote Saxon’s name next to Jack before we had even discussed it.
“Hey, Devon, I think that’s a little bit of a leap.” I tapped my pen on his book.
Devon looked at me with his eyebrows raised. “You think that’s a leap? He’s arrogant, right?” I nodded. “Kind of charming? Kind of inspiring? Kind of evil? Kind of manipulative?” I was nodding so much I felt like a bobblehead.
“But that’s just a list of some of his traits,” I argued lamely. Why was it bothering me so much? It was an English assignment. Didn’t I just want it done with? Wasn’t it better to just let Devon fill in whatever and finish?
“Well, there’s also the core of Saxon.” Devon put his pencil down and looked at me. He was bright and likable. I wondered why he had become the Piggy of the class. Why wasn’t he better liked?
“What do you think the core of Saxon is?” Devon Conner had secrets I’d never imagined, and I was suddenly interested in knowing him better.
“That he can take a totally normal situation and twist it until it’s whatever he wants. That’s what Saxon’s all about.” Devon picked his pencil back up and started to write again. “Oh, we need a code name. Dawes said we could use the person for description’s sake, but not to use any real names.”
“Okay.” I wasn’t really listening to Devon. Was Saxon’s mind-gaming that obvious? “Devon?”
“Yeah?” He looked up from his scribbled notes.
“Is this all stuff you just noticed about Saxon?”
“Well, yes, but not really.” I raised my eyebrows, demanding an explanation. “He got the kids in middle school to gang up on me and exclude me.”
“What did he do?” I wanted to know so badly, but I had a feeling the answer wouldn’t really surprise me.
“It sounds so stupid.” Devon shook his head and shrugged. “He just said ’fag’ every time he walked by me. Every single time. Always. Even if there was a teacher right by us. He never laughed or said anything else. But it made me into a misfit, and then everyone else just decided to hate me.”
“That sucks.” I imagined the horror Devon must have gone through day in and day out, battling a master of manipulation.
“Yeah, I know it sounds dumb. Don’t ask how it worked. That’s Saxon’s magic. He can really subtly bring total havoc.” Devon drummed his pencil on the desk frantically.
“Like Armageddon.” I echoed Jake’s words from that morning. I looked at Devon; smart, sensible, friendly Devon. How was he still a misfit? “But didn’t Saxon stop?”
“Oh yeah.” Devon drummed his pencil with more force. “One day instead of saying ‘fag,’ he just completely ignored me. I never really knew why he started. He’s never even talked to me since, like, seventh grade. But whatever he did stuck like a curse.”
“Devon.” I grabbed his hand and the pencil fell from his fingers. He looked up at me with panic all over his face. “He’s just full of shit. His bullshit can’t define your life.”
He looked at my hand on his and smiled. “But it’s already defined my life. Don’t look so upset. It’s not so bad.”
He was different now, comfortable with me. A few days before he had a wild rabbit look to him and he blurted out stupid things with an edginess I knew now was just nerves. He was still under Saxon’s curse, even if everyone else had forgotten.
“Do you hang out?” I knew I was venturing into dangerous territory.
“Nope, and I like it like that.” His jaw tightened at his lie.
“There’s a concert on Saturday. A bunch of us are going.” I made sure my voice was casual.
“Folly?” He avoided looking directly at me, but I could see he was interested.
“Yeah. You want to go? My boyfriend can pick you up.” I felt like any wrong word would send him running in the opposite direction.
He looked at me, not quite trusting me. “I don’t know.”
I shrugged. “It’s no big deal. You have a cell?” He nodded. “Here.” I wrote my number on a piece of paper. “It’s my number. You can call if you feel like it. Oh and have this.” I pulled one of the Folly shirts I designed and made myself at home. I planned to give them all to Chris so he could consider them for future sales, but it seemed like a decent good faith gift, to let Devon know I wasn‘t inviting him out to get a bucket of pig‘s blood dumped on him at a concert full of his peers. “I designed it for the show, but it’s the first, so no one else has one yet.”
He held the shirt out and stared. “What if I don’t go?”
“It’s a t-shirt, Devon. You could always just wear it to school.” I went back to writing, even though my mind pulled in a thousand different directions.
“I’ll think about it.” Devon said it like he was doing me some big favor. “And, um, thanks.”
I smiled at him, and we didn’t say anything else for the rest of class, both of us pretty lost in thought.
By the time the bell rang, we were farther than any other group. Thankfully, Mr. Dawes didn’t feel it necessary to announce that fact to the whole class. Devon and I walked quietly to my government class.
“I have government now.” I pointed to the door. “Where are you headed?”
“Biology.” He looked intently at a poster for fall drama auditions on the wall.
“That’s on the other side of the school. Devon, you don’t have to walk with me.”
“I like the company.” He tore his eyes away from the poster and smiled.
I smiled back. “Cool. Think about Saturday. It’s supposed to be pretty fun.”
He nodded, then gave me an awkward wave and turned the other way. I went into government where Saxon moodily tapped his foot, cell phone in one hand, call sheet in front of him. He barely looked at me when I walked in.
“Do you remember Devon Conner?” My words clicked out of my mouth with undisguised fury.
He stopped tapping his foot. “Who are you, the Ghost of Christmas Past? Lay off today, Blix. I’m in no mood.”
“Do you?” I pressed, ignoring his comment.
“What part of ‘not in the mood’ causes you confusion?” He met my eyes and tried to stare me down; I wasn’t about to let him win this one. He gave up and shook his head with disgust. “He was some dork I went to middle school with. I haven’t talked to him in years.”
“Did you organize your classmates to exclude him?”
He looked at me with narrowed eyes. “Yeah, then I burned a cross on his front lawn. Could you calm down the melodrama? I was, like, twelve the last time I had him in a class. Whatever I did to him, I’m not apologizing for it now.” He went back to tapping his foot.
Sanotoni came in and barked a laugh when he saw the cell phones out. He rubbed his hands together. “Looking good, young pollsters. Let’s get started.” He checked his watch. “On the hour. Okay, go!”
Thumbs worked overtime, and for the next forty-five minutes there was the endless chaos of phone dialing and dozens of low conversations going on simultaneously. Saxon was polite, direct and fast. He flew through half of our list in no time. He got snagged by a few talkers, but managed to get himself out without being rude. I planned on taking my time, but once I got someone on the phone, the thrill of competition crept over me and I couldn’t help but do my best. When the final bell rang, Saxon and I were in the lead, with thirty completed surveys between us.
“We go again tomorrow. Dismissed,” Sanotoni said.
“Don’t win this,” I begged Saxon in the hallway. “It’s just going to make problems.”
He laughed me off. “Don’t try to direct me. I’m not Jake. And try not to be a chicken shit when we win. It’s a day out of here. Plus that,” he said, and he moved his mouth close to my ear, “you know you want to spend the day, just the two of us. Now you don’t have to lie to Jakey. Tell him it’s for school. Don’t go into detail. Wouldn’t want to confuse him.”
Saxon turned and stalked away, pushing past the flow of traffic just to be an asshole. I was left with nothing to yell at his back; no angry retorts, no smug, self-satisfied comeback. I slunk into art class and grumbled through my macramй mess, ran so hard in gym I could hardly breathe when it was over, and stomped past Saxon on my way out to Jake’s truck.
He was leaned against the passenger door, and as soon as he saw me, he opened the door and helped me in. That, I thought to myself, was the difference between dating someone like Saxon and dating someone like Jake. Jake had basic manners. Jake was thoughtful and kind. Jake wasn’t wreaking personal Armageddon on the lives of innocent dorks for fun.
Maybe he had slept with half the female population of Sussex County. I honestly couldn’t care less. He loved me, he was good to me, and when I thought about him it felt like my heart was in bloom.
He smiled at me from the driver’s side. “I’m loving that I get to see you for lunch.” He pulled me over to the middle and threw his arm around my shoulder. I leaned my head against him and breathed his smell in.
We pulled up at Tech and he led me into the lunchroom. He felt me hold back a little bit.
“What’s wrong, Bren?”
“I just…I don’t know anyone here, I guess.” It was that raw, jangly first-day-of-school feeling all over again, but I was already a month in.
“I do, though.” He rubbed his thumb over my knuckles. “C’mon. You can meet my friends here.”
We went to a round table, the one I had seen Jake at the day before. “Hey guys,” he said. “Brenna, this is Lou, Jesse, Ellen, Aaron and Chloe.”
They all smiled friendly smiles and waved.
“This is the famous Brenna?” Lou asked. His lean face was friendly. “We’ve heard a lot about you. A lot. Like never-endingly a lot.”
Everyone laughed.
“Shut up,” Jake mumbled, flicking a Dorito from Ellen’s bag at Lou. They laughed again.
“All good stuff, though,” Lou added.
“Good to know,” I said and smiled at them all.
Jake led me to the cafeteria line. The selection was different than Frankford’s, not better or worse, just different. I loaded my tray up.
“Is it okay here?” Jake stacked two yogurts on my tray with anxious fingers.
“It’s good.” I squeezed his hand while I balanced my tray with one hand.
When we got to the checkout cashier, Jake paid for the both of us.
“I don’t want you doing that.” I put my wallet back in my pocket with a frown.
“You’re my girlfriend. I want to pay for you. I know you think I’m really poor, but I do work full time.”
“I don’t think you’re really poor,” I said, even though I did. “I just get money from my parents for lunch. What will I do with it all?”
He grabbed my tray, put all of my food on with his, and slid the empty tray under the shared one. “You mean you can’t think of anything to do with extra money?”
I shrugged. I hadn’t been shopping, except for my room, since I was in Denmark. “Fine. I’ll spend it on something else.” I thought about what I could get Jake for his birthday; would he be offended if I bought him new clothes? Money was a testy issue for him.
Back at the table, Jake touched my arm and thigh every so often to check on me. I realized part of the reason he wanted me to eat lunch with him was to show me off a little. He bragged for me to his friends, which made me blush and them laugh. It was weird to watch him talk about me. It was like eavesdropping on his thoughts, or reading his journal. If Jake kept a journal. It was flattering.
The rest of the day flowed smoothly. Our projects were almost ready to submit. We had created a set of business cards for our fictitious companies, and they wound up coming out better than I expected. Jake’s work was a little more conventional, but he was meticulous and put a lot of thought in. My stuff was more creative. I was happy taking risks and playing around with ideas that were new or different. Our teacher was impressed.
“You two should do the next partner project together,” she said as she flipped through our portfolios. “You both have excellent designs, and you have polar opposite strengths. You’d do well together.”
Jake and I nodded respectfully, but under the table, he rubbed my leg.
“I guess we’re pretty good together,” he whispered against my ear later in the hall.
“Is that what she said? I thought she said you could learn a lot from me.”
He kissed me against his locker, pressing into me in a way he didn’t often do in public. I hung on and kissed him back, pushing away everything I had done or left undone, everything I had lied or told a half truth about. I finally had a little bit of a grasp on the weight of Jake’s regrets.
Friday was the longest day of my life. Saxon said nothing to me. He didn’t catch me in the halls, didn’t walk by me, didn’t talk to me. I was glad we were calling in government. We didn’t have to speak to each other at all.
We won. Of course. Neither one of us spoke about the win or the day we would have to spend together the next week.
Devon decided to go to the concert. He was getting dropped off, but I told him the time and we planned to text when he got there, so we could meet up. He bit his lips nervously all period. When we walked down the hall together, I caught sight of Chris and Kelsie and purposefully stopped to talk to them. I introduced Devon and mentioned the show. Chris was all excited when Devon mentioned that his favorite Folly song was “Slow Dog.”
“I wrote that song!” Chris exclaimed. I had never seen him that excited. “You are my personal favorite fan, Devon.”
Kelsie punched his arm. “What about me?”
“You are my personal favorite person,” he clarified.
We laughed, and Devon stopped chewing on his lips.
Kelsie gave me a necklace, one of her beaded ones made from blue glass. “It’s the same color as your eyes.”
I hugged her. “It’s beautiful. You’re going to be famous someday.”
“Then that makes two of us.”
When it was time for track, I ran hard and long. Coach Dunn was ecstatic, which she showed me by thumping me on the back a few times until I felt like I might hack a lung. I had taken the late bus home on Thursday, and it had only been about half an hour. Friday, Mom picked me up.
“How was your class last night? I wasn’t up when you got in.”
“Just some rotund stone fertility goddesses.” She smiled at me. “Are you up for movies and ice cream? It looks like this group of students is going to drive me to consume Ben and Jerry’s at least three times a week.”
“I’d love that.”
So Mom and I got some Chunky Monkey and Cherry Garcia and rented My Big Fat Greek Wedding and The Birdcage, two of our all time favorites. We snuggled on the couch and laughed and ate our totally non-nutritious dinner, and it felt like old times again.
I knew Jake wouldn’t call until late. He had to work extra hours to make up some of his time for taking off Saturday. Then he had to make sure his bike was in good working order, then he was going to do a few laps on a course near his house.
By the time the movies were done, Mom could hardly keep her eyes open.
“Um, Mom?”
“Yeah, honey.” She brought our bowls to the kitchen while I turned off the TV.
“My friend…” I took a deep breath and stood next to her in the kitchen. “My boyfriend, Jake, is coming tomorrow. I just didn’t know if you remembered.”
She turned and looked at me, my pretty mom with her blue-gray eyes and her good cheekbones that I didn’t inherit. She tucked a piece of light hair behind her ear and blinked a few times. That was tears. I felt my throat tighten.
“Mom.” I took the bowls out of her hands and put them on the counter. “We don’t have to do this. If you don’t feel comfortable, you and Thorsten could give me a ride.”
“No.” She put her hands on my shoulders. “You’re a good kid, Bren. I want to meet this Jake. If you like him, he must be something special.”
And now I had to bring in my backup, to make my mother feel better and spread the good kid thing on thick.
“I filled out that application for the Rotary Club study abroad. I emailed it last night, while you were at work.”
“Oh, baby.” Mom sighed and hugged me close. “You are going to have such a great time.”
“Well, they have to accept me first. There might be a lot of applicants. It’s possible I won’t get in.”
Mom snorted at that. Then she smiled at me and said the words that made us both crack up. “Brenna, sweetheart, who can hold a candle to you? You’re world traveled.”
In my room that night, I laid out different outfits. I wanted to look cute, but stay warm. And I didn’t want to wear something too dressy. Jake was riding a dirt bike, after all. But I wanted to look good, because I guessed we would head to the Folly concert without coming back to my house to change.
I finally settled on a pair of skinny jeans and a custom made Folly shirt. It was the one with Kelsie and Chris on it, but I had made it on a long-sleeved black v-neck t-shirt, so it was slightly different than the ones at the concert would be. I would wear my hair long and straight and I decided to pull out the navy blue, high, lace-up leather boots I got in Sweden because they were technically outdoor boots even if they were gorgeous and finely detailed, and I would be tromping through the mud in them. I laid Kelsie’s necklace out, impressed by the bead work and my friend’s incredible talent.
Before bed, I wet and trimmed my bangs. It was a little scary the first time I ever attempted it, but I like them to be right above my eyebrows, and if I didn’t trim them myself, I’d have to go to the salon every two weeks. I had watched a few YouTube videos and read two online articles; it’s shocking how much information there is about cutting your own bangs online. And I did a good job. They were even and looked really good. More importantly, cutting them took my mind off of all the emotions that tumbled through me about the next day.
Finally, there was nothing else I could do to stall. And just when I was getting desperate, the phone rang.
“Jake,” I said automatically, but it wasn’t Jake.
“Brenna.” The voice on the other end slurred.
“Saxon?” My head spun. Why was he calling so late? I could hear music and laughing and yells in the background. “Where are you?”
“Partying. His voice was heavy and angry around the word. “I want you.”
“Enough,” I hissed. “I’m with Jake, I love him. I don’t love you.”
He laughed, a hard sound. “I don’t love you either.” He had obviously been drinking. “I just want you.”
“I’m hanging up now.” I was irritated I hadn’t checked the number before I dove for the phone.
“What if I change my mind about telling Jake?” he threatened.
I thought about how brave Jake had been, telling me about the things he had done that made him so ashamed. I listened, and Jake thanked me for not judging. But I had been full of shit.
I judged him. I looked down my nose at him, while I did the same and worse. When Jake had slept with those girls, he hadn’t had anyone to care about. He hadn’t had me.
But I had Jake. And I was gutless. I was letting things go too far with Saxon. I was letting my fascination with someone sick and warped potentially ruin the best thing I had ever had with anyone.
“Tell him.” There was no fear when I said it. I even laughed at him. “But I know you won’t. If you don’t have it to hold over my head, you won’t have any power over me, will you? You’re counting on Jake being so pissed at me that he breaks up. You’re counting on me running to you.”
“Jake will be pissed,” Saxon slurred. “And I will be here.”
“You’ve always underestimated Jake.” I shook my head. “So have I. We’re the stupid ones. Because Jake is stronger and braver and more honest than either one of us. I’ve been scared to tell him, but that’s because I’ve been expecting him to react the way I would.”
Saxon laughed right back at me. “He will, Bren. Jake’s only human, no matter how much you want to make him into some kind of damn saint. He’s going to do what a human guy would do. He’s going to dump you.” The last words came out in a sneer.
“No he won’t.” I refused to let Saxon burrow in my head. This was his favorite game, and I had to keep that in perspective.
His voice was dark and mean. “Try it. And when it all falls apart, I’ll be here. Waiting for you. ‘Cause you and me, we’re the same kind of people. We don’t deserve anybody but each other.”
I clicked the phone off and chucked it on the bed. I hated that I was letting him do this to me. I hated that he made me doubt Jake.
But I doubted. How could I not? I had betrayed Jake’s trust, and I was honest enough to know that even if Saxon and I hadn’t technically done anything to constitute cheating, I had crossed a line that I wasn’t comfortable with. If Jake had done the same things with another girl that I’d done with Saxon, I would have been heartbroken.
I had used Jake’s past against him. I had let him feel guilty for what he had done, and I had used it to justify my own shady conduct.
I realized I had to make a decision for myself. I had to be as brave as Jake had been.
When the phone rang again, I picked up and felt my throat close like I was going to cry.
“Hello? Brenna?” It was Jake’s voice. “Brenna are you there?” He sounded worried, a little wild.
About me.
“Jake.” The tears started. “I need to talk to you.”
“Go ahead, baby,” he said softly. “I’m right here.”
“I don’t think I can do it over the phone. I have to tell you…I have to tell you some things I’m not…I don’t…” By now I was crying so hard, I wasn’t making any sense.
“Calm down. I’ll be there in ten minutes.” The phone clicked off, and I paced my room for the ten longest minutes of my life. Just when I was in control enough to call Jake back and tell him not to worry, I heard a light knock on my window.
I lifted it open, and Jake was there, mud smudged on his face and clothes. He looked panicked. “I got here as soon as I could. Did something happen? Tell me what’s wrong.”
“Where’s your truck?” I glanced out the window.
“I parked down the street, off on the side. No one will see it.” He shivered a little.
“Do you want to come in?” I decided to tell him everything, but not hanging out the window in the freezing night air.
“I’m covered in mud. Your room is totally clean.”
“Leave your clothes under the window, behind the azaleas.”
“The what?” Jake asked, his voice a few feet away.
“The bushes.” I heard him scurry around, and then he hoisted himself as quietly as he could into my bedroom window wearing just his boxers, his shoulders hunched and his body shaking with cold. I ran and grabbed a towel from the bathroom, then wiped him off and led him to my bed. We stood together at the side.
“Are you sure?” His look told me he wouldn’t blame me one bit if I sent him back into the frigid night.
I nodded, even as every fear and nerve in my body screamed at me, telling me this was risky and stupid and would not end well. Thorsten could stick his head in to check on me, Mom could get up and need to see me. But the risks didn’t outweigh the benefits for me.
I pulled the covers back, got into my bed and held my arms out. Jake climbed in next to me, his skin clammy and cold against mine. I wrapped my arms around him, and pulled his body close, cocooning him with my warmth. I ran my fingers through his hair, pressing it back off his face.
“What’s wrong, baby?” he asked. “Why are you so sad?”
I realized then my eyes stung. Wet sloppy tears trailed down my face. Jake put his hand up to my cheeks and wiped them away as they fell.
“I’ve been a liar to you.” I said the words slowly, so he wouldn’t miss them.
He waited for me to go on, his gray eyes trusting. The only light in my room was from my iPod dock, so there was a blue glow and nothing else.
“Tell me. It’s no good to keep it in.”
He was wise for how young we were, I realized. He was kind and understanding and wise, and I had completely underestimated him. The tears ran faster, and I had this choking sense of fear. I was so afraid I would tell him and I would see those eyes change. I didn’t know how I would be able to stand it if I saw anger and, worse, disappointment. What if he didn’t want to be with me? What if he got so mad he got up and left and that was it? I cried a little harder, and the tears turned into choking sobs.
“Brenna.” He smoothed my hair back with big, rough hands. “I’m here for you. Whatever it is, I won’t be mad at you.”
“You…you can’t say that. You can’t…you can’t know that.” I was having a hard time breathing.
“Shh,” he whispered against my ear. “Don’t worry. I do know that. I love you. I can’t be mad at you.”
So I grabbed onto his words and took them at face value. I put my hands over my face because I didn’t have the guts to look at him while I confessed, and I started at the beginning, the day I met Saxon. I didn’t leave anything out. I didn’t smooth over anything. I told him what I felt and thought. A heavy blanket of shame crept over me. I was so wrapped up in my story, I couldn’t pay any attention to Jake’s reactions. The last thing I told him about was Saxon’s call, just before his. I heard him suck his breath in, but he didn’t say a word.
When I was done, there was just silence in the room, deafening, complete silence. I peeled my hands back from my eyes and looked at him in the dim light, holding my breath against my worst fears.
“Jake?” My voice wobbled.
“Yeah?” I heard his voice crack a little. I couldn’t see his face clearly, and I was relieved because I really didn’t want to see him crying.
“Do you want to break up?” I could hear how pathetic and scared my voice was, but I didn’t care. “Because I don’t blame you if you do.”
“No.” He laughed sadly around what were definitely tears. “I, uh, just know how you must feel knowing I was with other people.”
“But you weren’t since we were together.” Even though he couldn’t see my face, I hid it behind my hands in the dark, ashamed of how out of control things had gotten. “You should be so pissed at me right now.”
“I am a little pissed, but I also understand better than you think. And, no, I haven‘t been with anyone else since I met you.” I reached out to touch him. My hand strayed up past his chest and I felt the rapid beat of his heart. “But I fell for you really hard, Bren.”
“I fell for you hard, too. I’m not blaming this on Saxon, but there were a lot of weird situations that I didn’t know how to handle. I messed up, Jake, and he kind of took advantage. He thought I wouldn’t have the guts to tell you, and he kept threatening me with it.”
I felt Jake go rigid. “That asshole. Don’t ever think you can’t tell me. I swear to God, I will never turn my back on you. No matter what.”
“I got pulled into his bullshit. That’s all there is to say, I guess. I thought I was smarter than him, but he’s tricky.” I took a deep breath, because this was the hardest thing for me to admit to Jake. “I also…underestimated you, Jake. I didn’t think I could tell you the truth. And I looked down on you when you told me about all the stuff you’d done with other girls. I thought you didn’t have any self control, but the whole time, I was doing the same thing. And I wasn’t drunk.”
He pulled me close to him. Our faces were just inches apart. “I love you. And I’m glad you trusted me to tell me. I can’t say I’m happy about this, but I don’t want you to ever feel like you have to lie or not tell me something.”
I pressed my mouth to his, suddenly needing to kiss him and feel him against me. Being in my bed with him, under my covers, it felt like we were the only two people who existed on Earth. I forgot about everyone else, forgot about Saxon completely, even forgot Mom and Thorsten. It was just me and Jake in our own little world.
“It feels so good, being here with you.” His voice was husky and deep. He kissed me again, slowly. “You’re really warm.” He sighed and kissed my neck.
“You are too. You are now.” I wrapped my arms around him.
“I don’t want to leave you,” he said, his voice torn.
“Stay for a little bit,” I begged.
I felt him try to get up, but I held on to him. I kissed him and touched him, even though he told me not to. Soon our hands were all over each other, our lips were all over each other and the thought of him leaving was enough to make me feel like I couldn’t breathe. We kept our voices muffled and let our hands move slowly. He didn’t stop me when I moved my hand under his boxers, and when he finished, he laid me on my back, his hands making me squirm and press against him until my body broke into a thousand pieces, and I moaned at the incredible perfection of it. We fell asleep with our faces close, tucked against each other like two puzzle pieces.
Chapter 13
When I opened my eyes, the sky outside my window was gray-pink with dawn. Jake was up and creeping out the window.
