Текст книги "Black Number Four"

Автор книги: Kandi Steiner

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Текущая страница: 19 (всего у книги 23 страниц)

Kip doesn’t respond, his nose flaring as he presses his lips together in a hard line. I watch as the muscles over his abdomen flex with every breath. “I can’t.”

My heart slows, the beats coming at a reduced pace but with more force than I’ve ever felt. Every thump knocks me forward a little, jerking my body with it. “What?”

He swallows. “I am registered for the tournament.”

“But you’re not going, right? Not anymore. Not after you promised me you wouldn’t hurt me. Not after you told me you loved me. Not after we became us. Right?” I ask the questions without breathing. Breath doesn’t exist in my body at this point. “Right?”

Kip doesn’t move. He doesn’t swallow or blink or flinch, but one single tear rolls down the left side of his face and under his cheek.

And I know that one tear is saying more than any words can.

“I’m sorry, Skyler.”

He doesn’t look away from me or hang his head. He just kills me with his baby blues, keeping me locked in their glare as he waits for my next move. And I don’t know what to do. I want to throw something at him, I want to kill him, I want to cry and scream and rip his apartment to shreds.

But more than that, I want to run to him. I want him to hold me and make the pain tearing my chest apart disappear. I want him to fix it. To fix me.

But he won’t.

Because he can’t.

Because he never loved me enough to care in the first place.

The reality of everything crashes down on me in one large, soul-crushing wave. I start breathing faster, panic washing through me as the wave takes me under the current, pulling me down, down, down.

I look at him one last time, memorizing the words I read in the file and relating them to his face. His beautiful smile ties into his lies, his lips into his broken promises, his eyes into the pain I feel right now in this moment. Without another word, I turn and run out of his apartment, flying across the parking lot and onto campus. He doesn’t come after me and I don’t wait to see if he will. I just run. I know I’ll have to send someone back to get my stuff tomorrow, but I couldn’t stay in that room one second longer.

When I reach the house, my legs are burning and my feet are raw from running on the concrete. I put my hand on the doorknob but don’t turn it. Everything hits me and I fall to my knees, leaning my forehead against the door as I give in to the flood of tears escaping my eyes. I squeeze them tight, trying to will the tears to stay away, but they seep through the cracks and pull me down further into the dark hole Kip shoved me in.

Everything was a lie.

Helping me with poker, asking about my past, about my dreams. Kissing me, touching me, making me want him and making me think he wanted me, too. The words, the promises, every single feeling.

This is the game changer. This is the part where everything I thought I knew about the game gets shattered into tiny pieces and I’m left reeling trying to pick them up and glue them back together, to force them to make sense to me again. I thought I had it in the bag, I thought I was sitting on Lucky Street with nothing but good days and smooth sailing ahead.

But I’m in stormy water.

Deep, treacherous, Kip-infested water.

And I don’t think anyone is strong enough to survive this storm.

Running has only ever been cardio for me. But right now, it’s so much more. It’s the distraction from life, the pain I need to feel to keep my mind off the torture that is reality. I’ve been running for at least two hours now and I know I’ll wake up in the morning and barely be able to feel my legs, but right now they’re burning and aching right along with my ribs and arms and that’s just enough to draw a little bit of the pain from my heart.

But it won’t last for long. I know that because I ran one night when I was back home. I flew home to see my dad immediately after I got off the phone with my mom when I got back from the cruise. After the first night of being in the house with Dad, listening to him tell me things no son should have to hear his dad say, I went for a long run just like this. But it was only a temporary numbness. My mom said it so simply, she said that my father was sick, like he had a cold or the flu or a fucking headache. But the truth is so much worse – it demands so much more than that measly four letter word.

My father has cancer.

Stage four lung cancer, to be exact.

And even though cancer only has two more letters and one more syllable in it than sick does, it’s so incredibly fucking different. It’s permanent, it’s crushing, it’s cold and cruel and hard. And it’s moved into my life like a bug infestation – slowly, silently, and then completely overruling all at once.

I never knew what that meant, to have stage four lung cancer. I’ve heard of it before. I’ve watched shows about it on TV. But, I never really knew what it meant. For the past two weeks, all I’ve done is research online. I know everything about it now.

I know that cancer at this stage is usually widespread when it’s diagnosed, which was the case for my father. Because he’s stubborn, he waited until he was coughing up blood before he finally let my mom drag him to the hospital. They found that not only did it live in his lungs, but the cancer had also spread to other areas of his body. And, as if that’s not fucking enough, he has fluid around his lungs.

I know that they can give him chemotherapy and radiation treatment to help with the pain and possibly keep him alive longer, but my father refused both.

And I know that whether he went through that stuff or not, stage four lung cancer is not something you survive.

And that fact absolutely demolishes me.

I run faster, digging my heels into the concrete each time they hit and pushing off with as much force as I can muster. Every muscle in my body cries out in protest but I grit my teeth and keep moving. Even with my music blasting and my entire being aching, I can’t stop thinking about the way he looked, the way he sounded – the way the room felt, like it knew he was dying even if we all tried to deny it.

Even though it’d only been a few months since the last time I saw him, he looked like he’d aged at least ten years. My once strong, resilient dad was lying in bed with tubes and machines hooked up everywhere, his eyes hollow, his skin graying along with his hair. Because he refused chemo, he still had his hair. And he made sure to point that out to me. I think it was important to him, which makes sense. My dad has always been about appearance, about not letting anyone know if he was hurting.

It doesn’t make sense for him to have lung cancer. He hasn’t smoked since he entered the service at eighteen, but being deployed several times over the years, the doctors assume it was due to exposure to something on a tour. They also said it could be something they’re not thinking of, something random. So basically, the doctors don’t know shit except that he’s dying.

My dad is dying.

My dad is fucking dy-ing.

Push harder. Run faster. Kick. Hit. Push. Breathe. Don’t breathe. Fight.

The reality of that statement crashes into me now just as hard as it did when I went home to see him. I tried to help my mom around the house and told her I didn’t need to go back to school. Fuck school. But my dad insisted I come back. He wants me to live my life and get my education. And even though he told me it was okay if I didn’t want to do the tournament in May, I know he just said it because he thought it was what he needed to say. But the truth is, he wants me to do this more than anything. This was his dream, and then when he couldn’t make it happen, when he gave everything up for our family – he made it mine, whether I wanted it or not. Now it’s not just a dream, but his dying wish, and I want more than anything to win this tournament in his name – for him to see it happen before he passes.

Seeing him that frail, that broken, literally killed me. When he pulled me into his room alone with him and told me how proud he was of me, I broke down. I’ve never cried in front of my father before because it showed weakness. But this time, he cried, too. He’s proud of me, and he loves me. And I want to win this tournament to show him that I love him, too, and that his dreams are important to me. His life is important to me.

Which is why I couldn’t tell Skyler I would drop out.

Just thinking of her makes the hole in my chest ache as it splits me open even more. The look on her face when she found the file, the horror in her eyes when she realized who I am… what I am. A fucking monster. It was too much to bear then and it’s done nothing but double in size since she left.

I’ve seen her a few times at the casinos in town. We’re both practicing, getting ready for the tournament. But every time she sees me, she just leaves without saying a word. Even in class, she waits until at least five minutes past and slides in, taking a seat at the very front and then bolting out again as soon as class ends. She doesn’t even look my way. But I can’t blame her, not even a little bit. She has every right to hate me.

I wish I could make things better, but right now, I can’t. Maybe one day I’ll be able to talk to her about everything, to get her to understand. For now, my dad is what’s most important.

I just hope I can make him proud.

I sprint up the stairs to my apartment door and slam it behind me, falling face first onto my couch. When a soft knock raps on the door I just closed, I groan, my body still on fire from the run. Slowly, I drag myself up, trying not to flinch at the pain from the blisters on my heels. I’m still breathing hard and sweating like a whore in church when I open the door.

It’s Ashlei.

“You look like shit,” she says bluntly. She doesn’t smile or laugh, she just says the words and lets herself in my apartment. I shut the door and turn to follow her in. “So does your apartment,” she surveys, scanning the clutter and mess. I wish I was ashamed.

“What do you want, Ashlei? You already got all of Skyler’s things out of here.”

Her eyes soften a little and she sighs. “I came to check on you. I figured if you were half as bad as Skyler, you’d probably need me to force you into a shower. Which is kind of what it’s looking like right now.” She eyes me once more before shaking her head. “Kade said he never sees you anymore and you won’t talk to anyone. You can’t hole yourself up in here, Kip.”

It’s strange, but hearing that Skyler is upset makes a pain sear through me at the same time as it relieves me. I don’t want her to hurt, but I also can’t deny that I want her to miss me, too. “I can do whatever I need to do to get through this, Ashlei. And this is part of the process.”

She shakes her head again. “I don’t understand, what exactly happened between you two? Skyler won’t talk about it and you’re both acting like you still want to be together so why not just be together?”

I swallow hard. “It’s complicated.”

Ashlei rolls her eyes. “Sounds familiar. Listen, the KKB formal is on Saturday. Come with me.”

I cock a brow. “Are you serious?”

She sighs. “Not like that. I know Skyler wants you there but she’s not going to ask. Maybe if you come with me, you can talk to her and figure this shit out. You’re both making yourselves sick and it’s not healthy.”

I shift, crossing my arms across my chest. “Is she going with anyone?”

“Bear. As friends.”

I nod, chewing on the idea. I know she won’t forgive me for everything I’ve done, and I can’t take myself out of the tournament, but maybe if I could talk to her and explain everything, I could still have her in my life – even if it’s just as a friend, or hell, as someone who doesn’t hate me. I didn’t even try to explain when she was here two weeks ago, when everything blew up the way it did. I owe it to her to explain why I have to do the tournament. And even though I know she won’t completely forgive me and understand, maybe I can at least get her to see why I have to do this.

“It’s Saturday?”

Ashlei nods.

I sigh, running my fingers through my damp hair. This will either work and make everything easier to bear or it’ll blow up in my face and drag me down deeper into this shithole I’ve dug for myself. “Okay.”

Ashlei gives a small smile. “Okay. Wear something nice, it’s formal attire. And for Pete’s sake, take a shower. You smell like complete ass.” I chuckle a little, but she’s still dead serious. “We don’t need to ride together or anything, just meet me at the venue. I’ll text you the address.”

I nod and she moves toward the door, pausing once more when she has it open. “Skyler loves you, you know?” Her words hit me hard and I inhale a deep, harsh breath. “Whatever is happening between you two, I can see that hasn’t changed.” She stares at me for a few moments more, but when I don’t respond she closes the door behind her and I’m alone again.

Except I’m never alone, anymore. I live with the shadow of my father’s impending death constantly looming around me. I find the couch just in time for my knees to give way and I fall into it, digging the heels of my hands into my eyes. All I want is to run to Skyler, to hold her tight in my arms while I tell her everything and lean on her to support me through all this shit. But I hurt her, and I can’t even undo the pain I’ve caused. I’m her cancer. I’ve killed the light in her eyes and I hate myself for it.

But maybe it’s not too late to save her.

It’s hot again in South Florida. This bowtie and tux aren’t really helping, either. Plus the fact I’m fucking nervous. So what I’m trying to say is, I’m sweating.

The cab dropped me in front of the tall, flamingo pink hotel where Kappa Kappa Beta is hosting their formal about ten minutes ago but I’m still standing outside, trying to muster up some kind of courage to walk in. I kind of wish Ashlei would have let me ride with her now because I realize I have to walk into this place on my own. I know some of my brothers will be here, but it doesn’t bring me any comfort because the only thing that really matters is that she will be here.

And I don’t think she’ll be happy to see me.

Inhaling a deep, shaky breath, I make my way up the stairs and inside. When I round the corner and follow the signs to the ballroom, my nerves amplify. Music and laughter spills out into the hallway and I’m just about to bail and go home when Ashlei walks out of the double doors.

“There you are,” she says when she sees me. “I was just about to give up and think you flaked on me.”

“Two seconds later and that would have been the case,” I murmur, stuffing my hands in the pockets of my slacks. “I don’t think this is a good idea.”

She rolls her eyes and leads me into the ballroom. I follow her to the table where they’re all sitting, cringing a little when I see not just Erin, but Adam, too. Skyler’s Little and Jess are both there, as well. But Skyler isn’t.

Jess’s eyes grow wide when I approach the table with Ashlei. “So, I see your date finally showed.” She gives me a once over before pursing her lips and focusing on Ashlei.

“Yep, have something to say about it?”

“No, but I bet I know someone who will.”

As if on cue, I feel eyes on my back and turn to find Skyler at the bar with Clinton, the one everyone calls Bear. I met him on Spring Break and he seemed cool, but my guess is he isn’t my biggest fan now.

Skyler’s blue eyes are shining even across the room and she’s dressed in a long, gold and glittery dress with a slit that shows off her killer legs. Her hair is curled and flowing down the front of her right shoulder and I can’t help but kick myself again for losing her. It’s painful to see her, more painful than I thought it would be.

Apparently she feels the same, because after taking one look at me she downs the two shots in front of her. I think one of them was supposed to be Clinton’s because he laughs and catches the bartender’s attention to order again. I sit down at the table just as salads are served. When Skyler and Clinton make their way back to the table, she doesn’t waste any time.

“What are you doing here?”

Well, it’s not my choice of words, but at least she’s speaking to me.

“He came with me,” Ashlei butts in, sitting up a little straighter. Skyler eyes Ashlei, clearly waiting for her to explain but Ashlei doesn’t go into details. Skyler huffs, plopping down in her seat and taking a strong pull from her mixed drink before starting in on her salad. She turns her chair away from the rest of the table and focuses on chatting with Clinton.

I give Ashlei a sideways glance but she shakes her head. “It’ll be fine. Just give her a while to warm up, she’s still really hurt.”

“Exactly, so then why am I here rubbing salt in the wound?”

“You’re supposed to be the one nursing her back to health.”

I sigh, taking a bite of salad even though I’m far from hungry. Dinner drags on and I can’t decide what’s worse – watching Skyler ignore me, listening to Erin talk, or catching death glares from Adam every chance he gets. Even though he’s with Cassie now, apparently he still feels protective over Skyler. He hasn’t talked to me since news of us splitting got around and now he’s practically cracking his knuckles at the table.

Why am I here?

“Excuse me,” I say when I finish dinner, standing. Skyler looks up at me, but doesn’t say anything. I make my way to the bathroom and splash cold water in my face, trying to calm myself.

“Kip!” I turn just as Kade breaks through the bathroom door. “I thought that was you I saw! Damn man I’m glad you’re here. I need my partner in crime tonight. I came with this chick Arielle, but Jess has been giving me the eyes all night and I’m kind of thinking she’s over the shit that douchebag, Greg, has put her through. I might make my move. Is that stupid or just dumb?”

He’s talking sixty miles a minute and clearly is oblivious to my current turmoil. I do my best to smile genuinely. “Who cares? If it’s what you want, go for it. Just don’t be a dick to the girl who brought you. Is she into you or did you guys come as friends?”

“Friends, but I think she might think it’s something more.”

“Ah,” I appraise the situation. “Well, tread lightly. It’s bad enough to get kicked in the balls, you don’t want it to happen when your neck is constricted by a tie, too.”

“True story,” he says, fixing his tie in the mirror. “I fucking hate getting dressed up like this. Jeans should be formal.”

I laugh and shake my head, enjoying the ease he’s bringing to the night. I actually like getting dressed up, so I don’t chime in on that one. And I definitely don’t mind seeing Skyler dressed up.

Even if I can’t touch her.

A sharp pain wrecks my chest again and I expel another long breath to clear it. Kade claps his hand on my shoulder. “You all right, dude?”

“I’m as good as I can be, considering.”

It takes a minute, but finally recognition sets in on Kade’s face. “Oh shit, you and Skyler are still split? I figured you’d be here with her.”

I shake my head. “Ashlei invited me. She said she thought Skyler would want me here, but I think it’s clear that’s not the case.”

Kade shrugs. “Well, you probably won’t have to deal with her much longer. I think she was drunk before we all got on the bus to drive here.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, man. She’s drowning out the memories, tonight. Good thing she came here with Bear and not another guy because I’m pretty sure they’d be scoring later.” I punch him in the arm a little harder than I intended and he rubs it out. “Fuck, man! I’m just saying.”

We make our way back to the ballroom and I immediately see that Kade is right. Everyone is dancing, Skyler included, but she looks sloppy already. She’s got a drink in her hand that keeps spilling on the floor as she moves, but her hands are in the air and there’s a huge smile on her face. She does look happy, and I can’t be mad at that.

Ashlei pulls me out onto the floor, too, and we dance a little, though she’s mostly with the girls and I’m mostly with my brothers. We’re all being goofy, doing ridiculous dance moves, but I can’t keep my eyes off Skyler. She’s trying her damndest not to look at me, either, but somehow our eyes always make their way back to each other.

Suddenly, she turns away from Clinton and makes her way straight toward me. “Dance with me,” she says just as the music switches to a slow song. I swallow and nod, taking her waist gently in my hands as Ashlei winks and leaves us alone.

“Why are you here?” She asks, not wasting any time. She’s clearly not affected by the close proximity of our bodies where as I, on the other hand, have forgotten how to breathe.

“Ashlei invited me.”

“Right,” she says. “But why are you here?”

I sigh, wishing we could have this talk somewhere a little more private. “I wanted to see you, to talk to you. I feel like I owe you an explanation.”

“Oh, you think that’s all you owe me?”

She’s feisty tonight, the same Skyler I met at the beginning of the semester. She’s not soft like the Skyler I’ve come to know. No, her walls are back up and I’m on the outside trying to climb them again.

Except this time, she’s installed barbed wire.

“I’m sorry, Skyler.”

“If you’re sorry, drop out of the tournament.”

“I can’t.”

She scoffs, removing her hands from around my neck. “Yes, you can. And if you loved me, you would.”

“It’s not that simple, Skyler. There’s more to it.”

“Oh?” She crosses her arms. “There’s more to it than you being a conniving dickhead, making me fall for you so you could learn my poker game? So you could beat me at a tournament for your daddy?”

She’s pushing my buttons now, but I try to keep my cool. “Skyler, please, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, I know everything just fine. Your dad didn’t get to play poker the way he wanted to in his life so now he’s making you do it for him and you don’t have the balls to tell him no. You preach all this bullshit to me about being comfortable with who I am and not caring what other people think, yet here you are letting your dad control you like a puppet.”

“You don’t know anything about him!” I say it a little louder than I want to and I really don’t know why I react the way I do. Had this been three weeks ago, I probably would have agreed with her. I did agree with her. I hated playing this stupid game for my dad and I was going to call the whole thing off. But then everything changed. In one split second, over one of the longest phone calls of my life, every single little thought in my head rearranged.

She laughs a low, soft laugh, shaking her head. “No, you’re right, I don’t. And clearly, I don’t know you, either.”

With that, she turns and storms away, straight toward the bar. I run my fingers through my hair and curse under my breath. Before I can make my way back to the table where Ashlei is, Erin slides in front of me.

“Can I have this dance?”

“No.” I push her aside, not in the mood for her shit.

“Wait.” She grabs my arm and I turn to face her, annoyed. “Listen, we don’t have to dance. I don’t want any trouble. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry, for everything.”

“A little late for that, I think.”

She sighs. “I really hope what is going on between you two isn’t because of me. I want you two to be together. I know she makes you happy and that’s all I want, for both of you.”

I chew my bottom lip, wanting so bad to blame all this on her but I know it’s not the truth. “It’s not your fault,” I sigh. “It’s mine. I’m the only one to blame for what’s going on between us.”

“Are you going to fix it?”

She asks it so calmly, so simply – like she just asked me if I’m going to fix the flat tire on my car.

“I’m going to try.”

She nods, seeming to take that in. “Good. Don’t give up on her. My Little, she’s stubborn, and she’s not one to let other people know when she’s hurt. She thinks it’s better to put up her guard and appear invincible than to admit she’s been broken.”

“I’m picking up on that.”

Erin smiles a soft smile. “Just get her alone and talk to her. I know she cares about you.”

I nod and she turns, walking back to join Jess, Kade, Cassie, and Adam as Ashlei pops up beside me.

“So, looks like all of that went well.”

“Yeah.” I nod sarcastically. “Just perfectly.”

Skyler doesn’t talk to me for the rest of the night. And, to make matters worse, she’s clearly trying to get to me because she’s dancing with every guy she can – even a few freshmen. Every time she grinds against them and they paw at her in her dress I have to clench my fists in my pockets and turn away to keep from running over and sucker punching them. At this point, being here is torture.

“I think I’m going to head out,” I tell Ashlei. She’s at the bar getting another drink and gives me a pouty lip.

“Boo. You should stay, it’s almost over anyway.”

I look over my shoulder at Skyler dancing. She makes her way up onto the small stage and has literally a crowd of guys fawning over her.

“I just can’t really take anymore tonight, Ashlei,” I say, turning back to face her. Her mouth pulls to the side and she nods, seeming to understand. I pull her in for a hug. “Thanks for trying.”

I’m making my way toward Kade and the rest of my brothers to let them know I’m heading out when I hear gasps and screams ring out on the dance floor. My head jerks just in time to see Skyler hit the floor with a sickening crunch.

I sprint through the room and past the crowd gathered on the dance floor, yelling for them to back up as I reach Skyler. Erin is already there kneeled down beside her.

“She lost her footing on the stage and fell off. She’s not answering me,” Erin says frantically. Panic sets in and I pull Skyler up into my arms, moving the fallen hair from her face.

“Skyler, it’s me, it’s Kip. Skyler, baby, can you hear me?” I yell over my shoulder for someone to go get water and a rag from the bartender as I gently shake her, trying to get her to come to. She’s breathing fine, but I’m not sure if she’s been knocked out or if she’s just dazed. Slowly, her eyes flutter open and she groans.

Thank God.

“Fuck, Skyler, you scared the shit out of me.”

She leans into me more, her hands wrapping around my neck as she buries her face in my chest. “Ouch.”

We all laugh a little and I pick her up in my arms just as one of her younger sisters returns with the rag and water. I tell her to wet the rag and then I place it against the back of Skyler’s neck and she sighs, gripping my neck tighter.

“Let’s get you home,” I say softly into her ear and she nods. Erin and the other girls tell me to call them if I need them and I make my way out, climbing in the first cab I see and giving the driver the sorority house address. I’d rather take her to my place, but I know that’s not what she wants right now.

She’s still holding onto me tightly as we drive and my body can’t help but react to the electricity that always flows between us. Slowly, Skyler lifts her face to mine, staring into my eyes for a few seconds before leaning in and pressing her lips to mine.

Her lips are soft, her perfume and the way she feels in my arms enveloping all my senses. I want to kiss her back, to tell the cab driver to take us to my place instead, but I know it wouldn’t be right.

“Skyler.” I pull back and my heart literally breaks when I see her face fall. “You’re drunk. You don’t want to kiss me.”

“Yes I do,” she whispers, but her eyes fill with tears and she pulls away from my grasp and slides over into the opposite seat. My body instantly craves her the moment our contact is broken, but I remain on my side of the cab, watching her warily. “You know, this just might be the worst downswing I’ve ever experienced.” She turns from the window and looks me straight in the eye. “I never could have expected I’d lose so much of myself betting on you.”

Her words sink into my skin like a sharp knife, separating my muscles from the bone, making me feel even lower than I thought possible. She looks out the window again and I try to keep my mouth shut, but I can’t.

“I love you,” I say the words before I can stop myself, but I mean them just as much as I did the first time I said them.

She chokes a little, her face twisting as tears start to fall. “Well I fucking hate you.”

I swallow. “No you don’t.”

She turns to face me, letting me see the tears staining her face with mascara. “I want to.”

And I know she means that. If she didn’t love me, if I didn’t love her, none of this would hurt the way it does. I should tell her everything now, but by the way her lids sink low and her words slur together, I know she’s too drunk to process it anyway. I don’t want her drunken pity, I want her sober forgiveness.

We pull up to the house and I jump out and open her door for her, helping her out of the cab and helping her up to the door. “Are you okay? Are you going to be sick?”

She laughs a small, subdued laugh and rolls her eyes. “I’m fine. I’ve been drunk a few times before, you know.”

“I just want you to be okay.”

Her eyes shoot to mine. “I find that hard to believe.”

Swallowing, I take a step backward and nod. There are other words hanging between us, other things that need to be said, but neither of us grab for them. We just let them stay suspended as we stare at the other, waiting. Finally, Skyler wipes a fresh tear from the side of her face and reaches for the door handle.

“See you in Vegas,” she says, but she pauses, looking over her shoulder. “Oh, and happy birthday.”

She closes the door and I glance down at my watch. It’s just past midnight on the sixth of April.

Yeah.

Happy birthday to me.