Текст книги "Elusive Love"

Автор книги: K. A. Robinson

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Текущая страница: 8 (всего у книги 12 страниц)

“What is that?” he asked, his eyes glued on the packet.

“I think you know what it is.”

“Divorce papers.” It wasn’t a question but a statement.

“Yeah, divorce papers.” I took a hesitant step toward the bed and then another.

When he didn’t jump up and start tossing things at me, I decided it was safe to approach him.

“I don’t want us to hate each other by the end of this,” I said as I pulled his set of forms out. I’d put his papers in a folder for him before I left for work this morning. I handed the folder to him and sat down next to him on the bed. “We can still come out of this as friends. Please help me do that.”

He looked over at me, and it was then I noticed the tears in his eyes. I had never, not even once, seen this man cry. It shocked me into silence. Without thinking, I reached over and put my hand over his. He put the folder on the bed and placed his other hand over mine.

He gently squeezed my hand. “Do you really want to end us?” he asked.

The pain I felt in that moment was indescribable as I said the word I knew would only hurt him, “Yes.”

He looked as if I’d punched him in the gut and then kicked him while he was down. “How can you say that?”

“Because…look at us. We don’t love each other, Joey, not the way we should. Clearly, we still care about each other, but that’s it. Together, we’re toxic for each other, nothing but poison.”

“This doesn’t feel like poison,” he said as he squeezed my hand.

“No, but these past few years, almost every other moment of our lives has been. You and I both know it.” I pulled my hand away from his. “The only good that has come from us is Amelia. She’s still good, Joey. She won’t remember our fights or my crying. She won’t remember both of us being miserable. I don’t want out just for me. I want out for her, too. She deserves better than this.”

“And what about me? What do I deserve?” he asked, a roughness in his voice, warning me that I’d need to tread carefully.

“You deserve to find happiness, too. There’s a woman out there for you, one who will love you in a way I can’t.” I reached over and picked up the folder. I opened it and pulled out the papers inside. “We can fill these out together. It’ll make it better for everyone, especially Amelia.”

He shook his head and scooted away from me until he was on the other side of the bed. He stood and started pacing, his eyes glued on the papers in my hand. “I can’t do this right now, Caley. I’m not ready to let you go.”

“You can’t keep me,” I said softly.

“I can sure as hell try.”

I fought not to let my anger rise to the surface. “Fine. You have one week to think this over. Either we can do this together, or I’ll file for myself, and you’ll have to deal with the consequences of that.”

He seemed taken aback by my words. “You would really do that, wouldn’t you?”

I nodded. “Yeah, I would.” I just hope I don’t have to.

I didn’t dare tell him the predicament it would put both of us in if he tried to fight me. If he knew, he would refuse just to spite me.

“You’ve been changing, Caley. You might not see it, but I do,” he said after a moment.

I gave him a quizzical look. “What do you mean?”

“You’re not the same person you were when we met. Hell, you’re not even the same woman you were six months ago. Something inside of you has been changing. I’ve noticed it here and there over the last few months, but in this moment, I can see it now more than ever. You’re stronger. You used to be scared of your own shadow. Now, you’re standing up to me, demanding a divorce you never even thought about before.”

I shrugged. “Maybe change is a good thing.”

“It can be.” He studied me for a moment. “I just wish I knew what had caused it.”

Ethan. I knew without a doubt that it was him.

His support had made me feel stronger. Without doing anything more than listening, he had given me the chance to start things over again. I didn’t dare tell Joey that though.

“I guess I finally grew up. Maybe I’m seeing value in myself for the first time.”

He didn’t say anything for a minute, clearly at a loss for words. Finally, he cleared his throat. “I want to see Amelia.”

“You can see her anytime. I never said you couldn’t. All you have to do is ask,” I told him.

“Can I have her today and tomorrow? I’ll bring her back to your parents’ house tomorrow night.”

“Of course. She’ll be glad to see you.” I smiled. “I left some of her things here for you.”

“Thanks.” He seemed surprised that I wasn’t fighting him over Amelia.

“You know, my intention was never to keep her from you. I hope you know that.” I motioned to the folder lying on the bed. “There are forms that we have to fill out regarding custody. I really hope you’ll allow us to do those together. It’d be much easier than going to court over it.”

“Give me time,” he said sharply. “Right now, all I want is to see my daughter.”

“Then, let’s go get her,” I said. “When next weekend rolls around, you can let me know your decision about whether or not you want to do this together or else things are going to get difficult.”

He gave no response.

The look on my mother’s face when I walked in with Joey was priceless. She looked back and forth between us, her mouth hanging open in surprise. It was a rare thing to strike my mother speechless, and I enjoyed every second of it.

“Joey’s here to get Amelia,” I said, not giving her a chance to say something that would make things worse for Joey or me. “Where is she?”

“Asleep in your room,” my mother said, a frown appearing on her face.

“Come on,” I told Joey.

I turned and headed to my room, Joey following behind me. He knew my mother well enough to know that he didn’t want to be alone with her, especially now. He’d used every excuse he could think of over the years to avoid spending time here. I was sure that he was now more uncomfortable than ever.

When we made it to my room, Joey closed the door behind us. “How’s living with your mom going?”

“As expected,” I grumbled. “You know how she is when I’m around.”

“I remember,” he replied.

I caught the faintest trace of a smile on his lips. Ass.

He was enjoying the fact that I was stuck in the house with my mom.

“Dad is loaning me money, so I can put a deposit on another place. I won’t be here for much longer. Thank God.”

“You could always stay at the apartment,” he said.

When I gave him a disbelieving look, he shrugged. “What? I’m not there five out of seven days a week. It’s not like you’d be living with me.”

I shook my head. There was no way I could go back to the apartment. It would be like taking two steps back. I was free, and I wasn’t going to give that up.

“It’s not a good idea.”

He shrugged. “Suit yourself.”

We walked over to Amelia’s crib. She was sleeping soundly with a thin blanket over her. I carefully picked her up so not to wake her and handed her to Joey. She stirred as she was passed from my arms to his, but she didn’t wake up.

“I’ll bring her back on Sunday night,” he promised.

“I know you will. Have fun with her. If you need something, just call me,” I said.

I opened the door for him and watched as he walked past. He turned once to look at me before disappearing down the hallway. When he was out of sight, I closed the door again and walked over to my bed. I sat down on it and buried my face in my hands.

I knew leaving him was the right thing to do. In my heart, it felt right. But that didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt.

The way Joey had acted today…well, that was how he had been in the beginning. Seeing him that way made me miss the boy he’d once been and the life we’d once had. That last little piece of myself that clung to those memories was killing me.

That time was gone though. I knew it, and most of me had accepted it. I was terrified of what the future held for me, but somehow, I would make it through.

I looked up as someone knocked on my door.

It opened, and my mother stepped inside. “Have you two sorted out your differences?”

I fought not to give her a smart retort. “No, Mom, we haven’t. We aren’t going to.”

“You’re being ridiculous, Caley. If you can talk to him and bring him here to get Amelia, then you can sort things out.”

“No, we can’t,” I said.

“Why are you being so difficult? Doesn’t your marriage matter to you at all?” she demanded.

“Of course it mattered!” I said, jumping to my feet. “It mattered so much that I wasted the last few years of my life being miserable. I hated our life together, and I know he did, too. Nothing you say or do will change the outcome of this, Mom, so leave it be!”

She took a step forward.

I shook my head. “Just stop. I’m leaving.” I stomped across the room, going around her, to the door.

“Where do you think you’re going to go?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I’ll drive around and look for a new place to stay.”

She replied, but I hadn’t heard whatever it was she had to say. I was already hurrying down the hallway, determined to get away from her as fast as I could. I didn’t stop until I reached my car. Once I was inside, I started it and tore down their driveway, leaving my mother and her words behind me.

I drove straight to Ethan’s. He was, as always, my escape from the shit that constantly troubled me. When I was around him, I didn’t feel as if I were drowning in all my sorrows.

I had texted him before coming over, and when I pulled into the driveway, he was waiting for me, sitting on the front step of his porch, a cigarette in his hand. I climbed out of my car and headed straight over to him. Without needing to be asked, he pulled a cigarette out of his pack and handed it to me along with his lighter.

I lit the cigarette and sat down beside him on the step. “Thanks.”

He took his lighter and pack of cigarettes back, tossing them on the ground next to his shoe. “No problem. Want to tell me why you were in such a hurry to leave work today?”

I chuckled. “I figured you’d noticed.”

“How could I not? You practically grew wings and flew out of there.”

“I was on a mission,” I said evasively.

“Are you going to tell me what you were up to, or do I have to start guessing on my own?”

“I planned to go to the apartment to see Joey.”

He raised an eyebrow. “And did you?”

“Yeah, I did. It didn’t go anything like I’d expected. There was almost no shouting at all. He still won’t give me an answer on the divorce papers though. I told him he had until next weekend to decide if he wanted to do this together or if I would have to file on my own. It was just strange to have a decent conversation with him. It kind of threw me off balance for a minute.”

“You know he’s only being nice, so you’ll change your mind, right?” Ethan asked.

“Yeah, I know. I’m not going to fall for it, if that’s what you’re implying.”

“I never thought you would. I just wanted to make sure you understood what he was trying.”

“I do. Trust me. I know the score. One or two decent conversations won’t change how I feel about him. I’ve wasted enough time being miserable with him. I just…I don’t know. I guess I’m hoping we can still walk away from this as friends. Being on speaking terms with one another would make things so much easier on Amelia when she’s older.”

“I get that.” He took a hit off his cigarette. “So, how do you feel after seeing him?”

I shrugged as I took a hit of my own. “I don’t know. I guess I’m relieved that it didn’t turn into a fight, but I’m still worried about the divorce papers. If he doesn’t work with me, I’ll be pretty much trapped. There’s no way I can afford a divorce attorney.”

He nudged me with his shoulder. “Hey, don’t stress over it just yet, okay? You have no idea what’s going to happen.”

“I know.” I finished my cigarette. “So, what were your plans for the day before I decided to show up?”

He chuckled. “I had an exciting day of mowing planned, but it can wait since you’re here. We can go do something fun if you want.”

I shook my head. “Nah, go mow your grass. I’ll sit here and encourage you from afar.”

“Or you could get up off your butt and help me,” he retorted.

“Pfft, I’m a lady. We don’t mow the grass. That’s a guy’s job.”

He laughed outright. “Bullshit. But I guess since you’re too lazy to help, I’ll go do it myself.”

“Have fun,” I called after him as he stood and walked across the yard to a shed I hadn’t noticed before.

He unlocked it and dragged the mower out. I leaned back onto my arms and watched as he pulled on the rope until it started. Once it was running, he started mowing the grass. My eyes followed him as he walked back and forth across the yard. Halfway through, he stopped and pulled his shirt over his head. He tossed it in my direction, and it landed at my feet. I laughed and threw it on the porch behind me, pretending not to notice the now shirtless Ethan strutting around in front of me.

I failed at that miserably.

My eyes followed him even closer than before, taking in the toned skin of his back and the taut muscles in his stomach. The boy had abs. I felt like I needed to fan myself.

If he noticed my gaze constantly trained on him, he didn’t let on. Twenty minutes later, he finished mowing the grass, and he put the mower away. He walked back over to me and sat back down on the step.

“Well, that was fun,” he joked as he pulled another cigarette out of his pack before lighting it up.

“Yeah, it looked like it,” I said, looking anywhere but at him and his naked chest.

“So, I guess I’m free for the rest of the day. What do you want to do now?”

I shrugged. “I have no idea.”

“Are you hungry?” he asked.

I shook my head. “Nah, I ate lunch at work.”

“Hmm…well, why don’t we go watch TV or something?” He grinned. “I happen to have the complete set of Harry Potter movies. If I’m not mistaken, you love that series.”

The mention of Harry Potter perked me right up. “Oh my God, are you serious?”

“Of course.”

I immediately stood up. “Well, what are you waiting for? Come on!”

He laughed as he stood and followed me inside. I plopped down on the couch while he went to his entertainment center and opened one of the bottom drawers. He pulled out the complete collection and walked over to me. He held it out, and I grabbed it.

“Open it up while I go shower really quick. I’m kind of sweaty from mowing.”

“Okay.” I started tearing away at the plastic. “I can’t believe you have the entire collection on DVD, and you haven’t even bothered to open it.”

His cheeks turned red, and he looked away from me.

“What is it?”

“I, uh…bought it a few weeks ago when I saw it on sale. I’ve never seen any of the movies, but I knew you loved them, so I thought I’d grab them to see what the fuss was all about. I just haven’t had a chance to watch them yet.”

“Well, Mr. Blake, you’re in for a treat,” I assured him. “Now, go shower, and get your butt back out here.”

He mock-saluted me before turning and heading to his bedroom. He left the door open, and I heard the shower turn on a moment later. I gave the DVD set my full attention as I tried not to think about the fact that Ethan was naked and wet only a few feet away from me.

I shook my head. Don’t go there.

I finished unwrapping the set and had just pulled the first disc out when he reappeared. I looked up to see him walking toward me in only a pair of shorts. A shirt was flung over his shoulder, and he had a towel in his hand. He was running it through his hair to dry it.

He said something, but I couldn’t quite make out the words. I was too busy trying not to stare at him. When he gave me a questioning look, I finally snapped out of it.

“Sorry. What?” I asked stupidly.

He smirked at me. “I asked if you were ready to watch the movie.”

“Oh, yeah,” I said, feeling like an idiot.

He tossed the towel back into his room and grabbed his shirt off his shoulder. He quickly pulled it on before taking the DVD out of my hand and walking back to his entertainment center.

I kicked my shoes off and pulled my knees to my chest, trying to find a comfortable spot on the couch. He put the DVD into the DVD player and grabbed the remote before heading back to the couch. He sat down on the opposite end from me and pushed Play.

“I’m so excited for you to watch these. Have you read the books?”

He shook his head. “No, I’m not much of a reader.”

“You will be after you watch these. The movies are a million kinds of amazing, but the books are out of this world.”

“We’ll see.” He grinned at me. “Like I said, not much of a reader.”

I huffed, but I couldn’t hide my grin as I turned my attention back to the TV.

We sat in silence as the movie started to play. Soon, I was so engrossed in the movie that I forgot about anything and everything else. Occasionally, I would glance over at Ethan to see his reaction on certain scenes. More often than not, his eyes were on me and not on the TV.

“Watch it!” I chastised him.

He held up his hands in mock surrender and turned his attention to the movie. Satisfied, I did the same.

When the first movie ended, I pulled the second one out of the box and handed it to him. He shook his head, but he grabbed the disc and put it into the player.

For the next few hours, we watched Harry and his friends. Somehow, I found myself closer to Ethan every time I checked. He had been scooting over closer to me, and I had been doing the same, moving toward him.

By the time we started on the fourth movie, he had his arm wrapped around me, and my head was resting on his chest.

“Do you like these?” I asked, breaking our silence.

“Actually, I do. I wasn’t sure if I would, but I’m glad I took the chance.”

I raised my head to look at him. “If you weren’t sure, why did you buy them?”

He gave me a sheepish grin. “I knew you liked them. I thought I could use them to spend time with you.”

I laughed, oddly touched by his strange kindness. “You’re sweet. You know, I’ve asked Joey about a million times to watch these with me, and he never would. Yet you bought them on the off chance that I might want to watch them.”

I lowered my head back down onto his chest, a warm feeling flooding me. Ethan had continued to prove over and over again that he was a good man who actually cared about me.

After six movies, we finally called it a night. I wanted to watch the last two, but I could tell by Ethan’s drooping eyelids that he was ready to fall asleep. I grabbed the remote from the coffee table and shut off the TV. We both stood and stretched. I yawned and glanced at my phone to see what time it was. My eyes widened when I realized it was after two in the morning.

“I should go.” I shook my head. “I shouldn’t even be here this late to begin with.”

“Why not?” Ethan asked with a grin.

“We both know why.” I stood up and walked to the door.

He followed me, stopping behind me, as I reached for the door.

“What? No hug?” he teased.

I grinned as I turned back to face him. “After cuddling on the couch with you all day, I suppose a hug won’t kill either of us.”

He smirked as I moved forward into the space separating us. My arms found their way around him, and I tightly hugged him, enjoying his warmth.

As I hugged him, I felt every inch of him pressing up against me. I buried my nose in his neck, inhaling his scent, committing it to memory.

“Jesus, you smell good,” I whispered, my voice muffled. My cheeks warmed with embarrassment as I realized that I’d said that out loud.

He chuckled as he wound his arms tighter around me. We stood like that for minutes, hours maybe. Time ceased to exist.

“Caley, you need to move,” Ethan said after a while.

“Why?” I asked.

“Honestly? Because my dick is as hard as a rock just from me holding you.”

“Oh,” I said, surprised at his bluntness.

But I made no attempt to pull away at all. He’d never said something so sexual to me before. He was always careful not to make me feel uncomfortable. I could feel him pressed up against me, his hardness growing until even I couldn’t ignore it.

“Yeah. So, please move,” he whispered against my hair.

“I can’t,” I told him.

It was the truth. There was no way I could move away from him. It felt too good to be in his arms. My conscience normally screamed at me to avoid situations like this with him, but it was quiet at the moment. It seemed that even my guilt couldn’t compete with this moment. Or maybe it was the fact that that we’d just spent the day together, and it was the best time I’d had in what seemed like forever.

He cursed under his breath as his arms tightened around me. “It feels so good to hold you. I’m a dirty bastard for thinking that. But to say it? That’s even worse.”

“It’s not dirty,” I said. “It feels right.”

“Yeah, I guess it does,” he said.

Before I could stop myself, I pressed my lips against his neck and kissed softly. Then, I did it again. The feel of my lips against his skin was out of this world. A very tiny part of me suddenly screamed to pull away, but I couldn’t make myself do it.

Things were already messed up in my life as it was. I’d promised myself I wouldn’t move forward with Ethan until after everything had been settled with Joey. Kissing Ethan right now would only make things worse for not only me, but for Ethan as well.

My lips didn’t seem to get the message as they continued to press against his skin. My tongue slipped through my lips without my consent and tasted him. Ethan’s entire body tensed as I continued my exploration of his skin. Taking the hint, I finally pulled away. His arms refused to let me go though. I was trapped in his embrace, but it didn’t bother me. It felt too right to be in his arms.

“I need to let you go,” he whispered.

I stared up at him. There was sadness in his eyes that hadn’t been there before.

Without thinking, I stood on my tiptoes and pressed my lips against his. It was a small kiss, insignificant and practically nonexistent. But it changed everything. In that moment, I’d crossed a line we’d drawn since that night I kissed him and realized how I really felt about him, a line I’d been tiptoeing for what seemed like forever.

I pulled away, my lips tingling with the memory of his.

“Oh God, I’m sorry,” I whispered.

If I’d thought he was tense before, I was wrong. His body turned to stone before me, his arms still locked around me.

“Ethan?” I asked softly. When he didn’t speak, I said his name again, “Ethan?”

Nothing.

“I’m so sorry.”

Dread filled me as I took him in. His eyes were pointed upward at the ceiling, refusing to look at me.

“Ethan? Please forgive me. I’m so sorry. Don’t hate me.”

That seemed to pull him from his trance. “Hate you? I don’t hate you.”

“But you’re angry,” I said. “You’re like stone right now.”

He took a deep breath and pulled me closer. “It’s not because I hate you.”

“Then, what is it?” I asked.

“It’s taking everything in me not to take you back to my bedroom right now and strip you naked.”

My stomach churned with a sudden warmth that told me we were in a dangerous situation. His words alone had me yearning for something more. I couldn’t though.

Joey and I might be separated, but we were still married. I knew he was still trying to convince me to stay with him, but there was no doubt in my mind that I would resist his pleas.

So, where did that leave me? In the arms of a man I wanted, a man I wanted so desperately in this moment that I felt that I might combust, but I wasn’t sure I could have him.

“I want you, but I don’t want to cheat.” I sighed. “I don’t even know if it would be considered cheating. I’m sure Joey would think so.”

“Don’t bring him into this moment,” Ethan said. He released me and took a step back. “Fuck. Why did you have to say his name?”

“I’m sorry.” It seemed I’d kept saying that over and over.

“It’s not your fault.” He rubbed his eyes with one hand, as if trying to get rid of a headache. “None of this is your fault.”

He reached out and pulled me to him, fiercely hugging me. I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I wrapped my arms around his waist and hugged him back. We stood like that for what seemed like hours, so wrapped up in each other that it felt as if we were the only two people in the world.

“I want you so bad that it physically hurts,” he said as he rested his chin on my head.

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make things harder for you.”

I started to pull away, but he wouldn’t release me.

“Just being near you makes things harder. This”—he squeezed me—“is like a reprieve. I can touch you, feel your body against mine, and that’s more than I could have ever expected.”

He kissed the top of my head, and then he finally released me. I took a step back, trying to find my bearings.

“I love you,” he said suddenly, so suddenly that I wasn’t sure I’d heard him right.

“What?” I whispered.

“I love you.” He looked as if saying the words were causing him actual pain. “I shouldn’t say that to you, I know that, but I can’t not say it either. I’m too far into this with you. I need you to understand that I’m not going anywhere, Caley. I’m going to wait right here until you’re ready to move on with your life. When you do, it’s going to be with me. I’m going to teach you what life is really supposed to be like. I’m going to show you what it’s like to be loved.”

Tears filled my eyes as I stared at this man, who was pouring his heart out to me. He was so young, barely older than I was when I had fallen in love with Joey, but this was different. The emotions playing on his face, his tone…everything was different. I knew without a doubt that Ethan meant what he was saying.

I stepped forward and reached up to cup his jaw. “Thank you, Ethan. Thank you so much.”

This time, I wasn’t the one to initiate the kiss. Instead, he lowered his head and searched out my lips with his. The kiss was gentle at first but grew in intensity to a point where I couldn’t breathe. His lips crushed against mine, making me dizzy with need.

I bit down on his bottom lip, and he sucked in a breath, his grip on me tightening. His tongue darted between my lips, tasting me, as I clung to his shoulders.

Ethan pulled away. “You have to make me stop.”

“I can’t,” I whispered before pulling him back to me and kissing him again.

“If we don’t, there’s no going back.” He pulled away. He put his fingers under my chin and forced me to look up at him. “Can you live with that?”

“I…I don’t know,” I said.

“If you can’t live with it, then I need you to go. I won’t let your guilt turn something perfect into something you’ll regret.”

“No matter how much guilt I might feel, I wouldn’t ever regret it,” I told him.

He shook his head. “There should be no guilt in your heart at all.”

He ran his fingers over my trembling lips. I closed my eyes, my heart and my mind at war with each other.

“Don’t leave me, please. Don’t walk out that door and take this moment away from us. The guilt you feel is for a man who has never loved you, not the way I do. Don’t let him destroy this like he has destroyed everything else in your life.”

“I’m scared,” I told him, as if he didn’t already know that.

He could clearly see the way my body was trembling.

“Don’t be.” He reached down and grabbed my hand. “Come with me. Let me show you what love is supposed to be like.”