Текст книги "Elusive Love"

Автор книги: K. A. Robinson

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Текущая страница: 6 (всего у книги 12 страниц)

“What did you just say?” she whispered, a look of disbelief on her delicate face.

“You heard me,” I said, not looking away from her.

Nothing in this world could have caused me to tear my gaze away. If I did, I feared she would disappear—or worse, I would wake up and realize this had been nothing more than a dream.

“I don’t understand,” she said. “This wasn’t supposed to go like this.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

She shook her head. “I thought—no, I hoped that I would come here and realize I had only imagined the way I felt about you. Then, I could go home and forget all the craziness I’d felt today.”

“Sorry to disappoint you.” Even I heard the coldness of my words. I winced. “I really didn’t mean for it to sound like that.”

“No, you really did,” she said, but she wasn’t upset.

“You hoped that I would squash any advance you made toward me, that I’d tell you that whatever you thought you felt wasn’t real. You never expected me to kiss you back. I’m sure the thought of me caring about you the way you care about me never even crossed your mind, did it?”

She shook her head, her face a mask of shock. The thought that I could care for her the way she cared for me really hadn’t crossed her mind at all.

“You’re so broken, Caley. I don’t know how you can’t see it. Joey broke you. All these years, the fighting and the turmoil made you think that you weren’t worthy of love or affection.” I took a deep breath and exhaled through my nose, trying to calm myself so that I could continue.

But she spoke up before I had the chance, “It wasn’t Joey’s fault, not completely. The way you just described me…I’ve felt that way since long before Joey entered my life.”

She chuckled, but the sound was humorless. It was a sound that made me want to reach out and touch her.

“He was the only person who ever showed me an ounce of attention. Because of him, I felt wanted. I was tired of being alone, so I clung to him. I thought he was the only man who would ever notice me, and I was right. In all these years, no one has ever paid me a bit of attention.”

“You’re wrong,” I said, “I wanted you so long ago when we were just kids in school. My attraction wasn’t instantaneous. It grew over time as I watched you, spoke with you, and learned exactly who you were. You’re a beautiful person inside and out, Caley. I just wish you could see it. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you, the way everyone around you sees you.”

My words seemed to shock her into silence. She just stood there, staring at me, as if my words were incomprehensible to her.

“You wanted me? Even then?” Her voice was timid, almost as if she had been afraid to speak the words out loud.

“Of course I wanted you,” I said.

“Why didn’t you…” She trailed off, unable to finish her sentence.

But I knew exactly what she had wanted to ask.

“Why didn’t I tell you? Because I knew you were with Joey. And when my feelings started to grow to the point where I felt like maybe I should tell you, you deserted me. I knew then that you didn’t have a clue about how I felt. I also knew you couldn’t feel the same way, or you never would have walked away.

“That night, when you sent me that message, I almost didn’t respond. I was over you by then, and I knew exactly what would happen if we were around each other. And look, I was right. Only now, we’re so much deeper this time. I’m not the only one feeling something.”

She clutched her hands together, wringing them over and over again, as she tried to digest my words. I stayed silent, giving her time to sort through the mess we were both facing. She moved suddenly, walking over to the couch and sitting down. I didn’t follow, fearing that I would drive her away if I moved too close.

I couldn’t understand how things had changed so drastically in the last few hours. Something had triggered this, but I was afraid to ask what.

Never in my wildest dreams had I imagined the scene playing out before me would be a reality. Only a few hours before, I had finally admitted that to myself. I’d made a promise in my car that I would walk away from her.

Good God, Caley was married—unhappily married, but still married. She had a husband and a child. There was no room in her life for an obstacle such as myself. I was a friend, a confidant, but that was it.

Or so I’d thought.

“I thought I was losing my mind this afternoon,” she finally said.

“Why?”

“Because I saw that girl, Danielle, kissing you today in the movie theater parking lot, and I nearly went mad with jealousy and rage. It took me a moment to even realize that I shouldn’t have felt that way. It consumed me though. That was when I finally figured out that there was something here, something that shouldn’t be.”

“Shouldn’t be?” I asked. “There are lots of things in this world that shouldn’t be, Caley, yet they are. Shouldn’t and couldn’t are two very different things.”

“I know,” she said softly. “I would give anything to go back in time and forget everything from this afternoon and now. I’d thought things were bad before…but I’d had no idea what bad could really be.”

“Caring for me is bad?”

She hesitated. “Yes and no. You’re a good person, and you deserve someone who cares for you, but it shouldn’t be me. I’m married. The way I feel about you is wrong. It’s despicable.”

“You can’t help how you feel. Trust me,” I muttered.

“I know, but it doesn’t erase the guilt.”

I sighed, suddenly exhausted. “So, what happens now?”

“What do you mean?”

“Are we going to pretend none of this happened, or…” Now, I was the one who couldn’t finish a sentence. I couldn’t ask her if she’d choose me instead of Joey and the life she knew.

“I can’t pretend this isn’t happening,” she said. Sadness filled her expression. “The way I care about you surpasses the way I care about Joey. I haven’t loved him in the right way in a very long time…maybe never.”

“Oh,” I said, unsure of what else to say.

She continued as if she hadn’t heard me, “And the sad part is that he was trying to make amends and start over today. That was why we were at the theater when I saw you. He’d brought me there as a surprise date. I’d expected this weekend to be full of shouting and anger, but instead, he’d decided to start over with me. How can I start over with him, knowing what I know now? There’s no way that I could. Things were over with him a long time ago, long before Amelia came along. I was just too blind to see it.”

“You said you couldn’t leave him because of her. Is that still true?” I asked.

“I think…that this changes everything. How can I stay with him, knowing I don’t truly care for him? Amelia will know the truth, and Joey will, too. She’ll grow up thinking that’s the way things are supposed to be. I thought showing her that she had both parents together with her was the right thing, but now, I don’t know.”

“I think the right thing is whatever makes you happy,” I told her, “I’m not saying you should leave him and come running to me. I just think your marriage is slowly killing you. Your unhappiness is clear to everyone around you, and once Amelia is older, she’ll see it, too. That won’t be good for her.”

“I know.” Her eyes filled with tears. “If I leave him, it’s going to rip apart every part of my life and his, too. Amelia is so young. She’ll never remember us being together.”

I frowned. “Maybe that’s a good thing. Do you really want her to remember the constant sadness and the fighting?”

“No, of course not. I just keep hoping that things will get better and stay that way.”

“How long have you been waiting for that to happen?” I asked, hoping to be the voice of reason.

“For forever—or at least, it feels like it’s been that long,” she admitted.

“Exactly. It isn’t going to get better, Caley. If it were going to change, it would have by now. But you’re miserable, trapped in a life that you despise. And if you’re this unhappy, I bet Joey feels the same way.”

That seemed to rattle her. “You think?”

I nodded. “I do.”

“I’m so scared, Ethan. You have no idea how scared I am. If I leave him, everything will change.” She paused. “You’re the reason I’ve realized how I felt about him, but I…I can’t think about you right now. I have to focus on separating myself from Joey and standing on my own two feet. I hope you can understand that.”

“Of course. I would never expect anything from you right now. Maybe once things settle, we can talk about us, but for now, we can carry on the way we’ve always been—as friends. I’ll be here for you, no matter what.” I walked over and pulled her to her feet. “You’re very important to me. I hope you realize that.”

I wrapped my arms around her, tightly hugging her. I breathed in deeply, memorizing the scent of her skin, fearing I wouldn’t be near enough to do so again for a long time. Part of me hated the fact that she was pushing me away, but I understood. I couldn’t force myself on her when she had so many other things pulling her apart.

She pulled away, not meeting my gaze. “Can I ask for one more favor?”

“As far as I know, you’ve yet to ask me for a favor tonight.” I smiled, trying to lighten the mood.

Her gaze remained on the floor, her lips set in a deep frown. “I’ve asked more of you tonight than anyone ever should. But can I spend the night here, on your couch? I don’t think I can go home and face Joey just yet. I need time to make my final decision. I can’t do that with him near me.”

The thought of her spending the night in my house, so close yet so far away, was like a punch in the stomach. It would be pure agony to have her near me and not be able to be with her, but there was no way I could send her away.

“Of course you can stay,” I said, “I have an extra set of sheets and a blanket in the closet. You can sleep on the couch, or if you’d prefer, you can have my bed, and I’ll take the couch.”

The thought of her in my bed, surrounded by my sheets with her head resting against my pillow, caused my body to respond in the worst way. I mentally shook my head. I couldn’t think about sex right now. Caley needed me, as a friend, and I wouldn’t let her down.

She frowned. “The couch is fine, Ethan. I don’t expect you to give up your bed for me.”

“I’d give up just about anything for you,” I said, my mouth moving before my brain could catch up. As soon as the words had left my mouth, I instantly regretted them.

Caley gave me a weak smile, clearly pretending that she hadn’t heard my stupid confession. “Thank you.”

“I’ll, uh, go get those sheets,” I said stupidly.

I turned and walked to my bedroom where the sheets and blanket were stored inside my closet. I dug them out and grabbed a pillow off my bed before returning to the living room. Caley was standing where I’d left her. She turned her attention back to me. I gave her a small smile before walking to the couch. I spread out the sheet and blanket, finishing off her makeshift bed with the stolen pillow.

“Do you want something to sleep in?” I asked.

She shook her head. “No, my clothes are fine.”

“Okay.” I shifted awkwardly, unsure of what to say. “Well, I guess I’ll leave you alone. If you need something, just let me know. I’ll be in my room.”

“Thanks, Ethan…for everything,” she whispered.

Once I was in my bedroom with the door closed, I sat down on the end of my bed and put my head in my hands.

Tonight had been unexpected, to say the least. Caley showing up, realizing that she cared about me in a way I’d only fantasized about, had been more than shocking. But the worst part was knowing how she felt and being unable to act on it. It made things so much harder for not only myself, but for her as well.

I knew one thing for certain. I didn’t envy her or the situation she now found herself in.

I glanced at my bedroom door, the one thing separating me from her. Knowing she was only a room away was going to drive me nuts all night. I knew with complete certainty that sleep wouldn’t come easily tonight, if it came at all.

I stared up at the living room ceiling with Ethan’s spare sheets wrapped around me like a cocoon, willing my eyes to shut. I knew it was pointless. I pulled the blanket tighter around me and clung to it, as if it had all the answers I was seeking.

The last few hours had been unexpected, terrifying. And I hated to say it, but it’d been exhilarating as well. The kiss I’d shared with Ethan had awoken something in me, a hunger that I hadn’t felt in a very long time, maybe even years.

Still, as always when it came to Ethan, the guilt crept in. I’d kissed a man who wasn’t my husband. I’d cheated. I couldn’t toss around blame for that. Joey and I might have our problems, but he wasn’t at fault for this. Neither was Ethan.

Sweet, caring Ethan. The fact that he felt the same way I did—that he had for so long and never even once made any attempt to sway me—told me exactly how good of a person he was. If it had been up to him, he would’ve stayed silent forever¸ letting me live my life how it was.

Too late, a little voice whispered inside my head. The cat’s out of the bag now.

Now, I had a decision to make, not about Ethan though. That had to wait even though, if our kiss was proof of what could be, I knew without a doubt that I would end up with him if I finally left Joey. But there was no way I could even think about that right now.

First, I had to decide if I was going to split my family apart or if I would somehow manage to remain with Joey, the way I always had. The second option cut into my soul like a knife.

Before, I had never felt what I felt tonight. I couldn’t crave something I had known absolutely nothing about. Now, the thought of what I was missing, what was lacking in my marriage, plagued me. Even worse, I couldn’t understand why this had all happened so fast. This morning, I hadn’t even truly understood the way I felt about Ethan. Tonight, all I could think about was how he’d shown me what life was supposed to be like.

I glanced at his closed bedroom door, wishing he were in here with me. He always knew what to say to help me. I knew, even after his confession tonight, he would still listen to me and help as I tried to sort out the uncertainties in my life. I couldn’t do that to him though. It would be cruel, talking with him about Joey.

I winced. God, I’d been cruel to Ethan over and over again without ever realizing it. Every time I’d talked to him about my life with Joey had to have hurt him, but I knew he’d never admit it.

Giving up on my attempt to sleep, I sat up and moved so that my feet were resting on his coffee table, the blanket still covering me. Ethan’s television sat directly across from me. I stared at the black screen, willing my mind to go numb for even a few minutes.

It was pointless. In my heart, I already knew my decision. I just needed to come to terms with it and accept the pain that was sure to follow.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I’m going to leave my husband.

There. I’d said it.

When I opened my eyes again, the room was exactly the same. My decision hadn’t changed anything. Fire wasn’t raining down from the sky, engulfing me in heat and flames. The world hadn’t ended.

“Everything okay?”

I jerked around to see Ethan standing in his doorway, watching me.

“I’m fine,” I said, my voice cracking.

“Then, why do you have tears running down your face?” he asked softly.

I reached up and touched my cheek. Sure enough, it was covered in tears. I quickly wiped them away but more replaced them.

“I didn’t even realize…” I trailed off as sobs suddenly racked my body.

Ethan moved across the room, and he was next to me in a flash. He pulled me into his arms as my sobs took control of me. I clung to him, not caring that I was covering the front of his shirt in tears and probably snot.

He didn’t whisper how everything would be okay. He didn’t say anything at all.

Instead, he just held me.

I woke up in a sweltering heat. I felt sweat dampening my hair. Wondering if an inferno had decided to take me after all, I opened my eyes. All I could see was the soft material that made up Ethan’s shirt. My eyes widened, and I instantly jerked away. Ethan’s arms were wrapped around me, but I fought my way free and scooted to the opposite end of the couch.

I’d fallen asleep in Ethan’s arms.

It made the shame of my predicament instantly bubble to the surface. My husband—who I’d sent only a brief text telling him that I wouldn’t be home, who had tried to text me over and over throughout the night—was waiting for me. He was probably worried sick, considering my abrupt departure and lack of return. And here I had been, sleeping in Ethan’s arms. That was wrong.

I glanced over at Ethan and saw that his eyes were open, returning my gaze from the other side of the couch. I fought not to grin at the way his hair was sticking up or the sleepy look on his face. He looked so sweet in that moment, and it took everything in me not to reach out and touch him.

“Morning,” he said, his voice still muffled with sleep.

“We slept together,” I said, pointing out the obvious.

He grinned. “I think I’d remember something like that, Caley.”

I shook my head, refusing to smile back. “You know what I mean.”

The smile finally slipped from his face, and he sighed. “Caley, you didn’t mean to fall asleep on me. I didn’t mean to fall asleep either. It just happened. Stop trying to make yourself feel guilty over this, too.”

I raised an eyebrow, but he only rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, I know you feel guilty about everything. It’s practically radiating off of you in waves.”

“Everything about you makes me feel guilty,” I whispered, sadness filling me. “I hate that.”

He moved until he was sitting next to me on the couch. “Stop thinking about me. This has nothing to do with me at the moment.”

I gave him an incredulous look. “It has everything to do with you. If I hadn’t…” I swallowed roughly. “If I had never shown up here last night, my life, my relationship with you, my relationship with him, would still be the same as they had been the day before and the day before that.”

He looked at me with such a devastated look that I had to look away. “Please tell me I’m not the reason you were in so much pain last night. I couldn’t bear that.”

I shook my head and stared down at my lap where I was wringing my hands together. “No, that wasn’t your fault, not really. You were the catalyst that started my own personal apocalypse, but you’re not the reason for my pain. That’s all on me.”

He reached over and grabbed my hands, pulling one away. He held it in both of his, squeezing it softly. “So, what are you going to do now?”

I finally looked back up at him. The pain in his gaze had disappeared. He was expressionless as he waited for my answer. I was sure it was because he didn’t want to sway me one way or another.

“Now, I’ll go home and tell my husband that I don’t love him anymore. I’ll tell him that it’s over. And once that painful conversation is over, I’m going to watch as my world falls apart.” I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, willing the tears to stay away. When I was sure they would, I opened my eyes again. “Then, I’ll start to rebuild from whatever rubble has fallen down on me.”

He laced his fingers through mine. “You know I’m here for you, right? Last night doesn’t change anything.”

“Of course it does. I can’t expect you to stand with me as I try to deal with this. It wouldn’t be fair to you. What I’ve been doing, telling you all of my problems, wasn’t fair either. If I had known that you felt…”

“If you had known I cared, you would’ve, what?” he asked. “Brushed me aside, distanced yourself? I don’t think so, Caley. I’d rather hear every single detail about your marriage than have you walk away from me again.”

“But I can’t just—” I started.

He cut me off, “Don’t. Just don’t. I won’t let you push me away—not now, not when I know…” He stopped and took a deep breath. “Not when I know there might be a chance for us someday. It hurt like hell before, yes, but it was worth it, just to be near you again. I won’t give that up, no matter what you say or do. I’m staying right here, beside you, for as long as you need me.”

“What did I ever do to deserve someone like you?” I asked. “You’re the kindest person I’ve ever known. You’re honest, and you truly care. I don’t understand how someone like you could ever want someone like me.”

“Someone like you? Caley, you don’t see yourself the way everyone else does, mentally and physically.” He released my hand and reached up to trail his fingers down my cheek. “You’re beautiful, inside and out. I just wish you’d realize that.”

Warmth flooded my cheeks at his compliment.

When was the last time anyone ever told me I was beautiful? I couldn’t remember.

“Maybe, one day, I’ll see what you see,” I finally muttered after a moment, doubting the words even as I spoke them. I knew what I thought of myself. I didn’t see that changing, especially after all these years.

“I’ll make sure that you do.” He dropped his hand and stood. “You’re welcome to stay here for as long as you like, but I think you should go sooner rather than later. The longer you’re here, the more you’ll doubt your decision.”

“You’re right,” I admitted as I stood. “I’m going to leave now. If I don’t, I’ll just end up spending the day here, hiding from what I have to do.”

He walked me to the door and opened it. “If you need anything, and I mean anything, call me. I’ll come to you, or you can come here if you want.”

“Thank you for everything.” I stepped outside onto his porch. “I’ll let you know how it goes.”

He leaned forward and kissed me on the forehead. His arms circled my waist. “Good luck, Caley. You’re stronger than you know. I hope you realize that by the end of the day.”

I tried to smile, but it was weak. He released me, and I turned to walk to my car.

I pulled my keys and phone out of my pockets before climbing in. I tossed my phone into the cup holder and shoved my keys into the ignition. My car rumbled to life. I fought tears again as I put the car in drive and pulled out.

I concentrated on my breathing as I drove home, afraid that I would lose control again. The closer I got to home, the harder it was to stay in control.

By the time I pulled into the lot, I was shaking. I shut the car off and stared ahead until I was sure I could hold myself together. As I climbed out of the car, I straightened my back and stared straight ahead. I wanted to feel as confident as I looked. Every part of me feared whatever was sure to happen once I walked into our apartment and told Joey the truth.

I made it upstairs in no time at all. It seemed to take only seconds before I found myself standing in our apartment, staring at Joey, who was sitting on the couch, waiting for me. The moment he saw me, he was up and walking to where I stood.

“Where were you?” he demanded. When I didn’t answer immediately, he went on, “You took off out of here like a rocket last night, and then I got a text telling me that you weren’t coming home. You wouldn’t answer my texts or calls!” His voice rose with each word until he was shouting. He stopped and took a step back, clearly trying to compose himself.

“I had to get away. I needed time and space to think.”

“To think about what?” he demanded.

“Us.” I forced myself to look him in the eyes as I spoke the words that would destroy us, “I can’t do this anymore, Joey. I’m miserable. I feel like I’m trapped in a life that isn’t mine. I don’t feel like you care about me, let alone love me. I just…I can’t do this. I can’t be with you.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“I want a divorce.” My words sounded emotionless as they passed through my lips.

Joey looked at me as if I’d slapped him. “What did you just say?”

“I want a divorce.”

“Where is this coming from? Yesterday, I thought we were going to try again. I took you out to the movies. We were having a good time!”

“How many times have we tried over the years, Joey? Time and time again, we try to start over, and it always ends the same—with us shouting at each other whenever we’re in the same room. I can’t take it anymore. We don’t talk. We never see each other. We are nothing more than two people trapped together by a piece of paper and a set of wedding bands.”

“You don’t mean this, Caley. I don’t know what happened, but this isn’t you. We always work our shit out. Yeah, we have issues, and we’ll never win any Marriage of the Year awards, but we have stuck together for this long. We just have to keep on working at it.”

“I’m tired of working at it. There’s nothing left to work out at this point.”

“What about Amelia?” he asked.

I clenched my hands into fists at my sides. “Amelia will grow up knowing her parents love her. She won’t ever have to remember the way we fought or how much we hated each other. She won’t remember the fact that I started drinking and smoking just to escape you. Her life will be better this way.”

“Her life won’t involve me at all if you leave me!” he shouted, showing just how angry he was for the first time.

A vein in his forehead popped, showing his tell, and I knew he was about to lose his shit.

“You’ll have her on the weekends. It won’t be any different from how it is now since you work out of town all week. I’m not taking her away from you.”

He stared at me for a moment, his mouth opening and closing, but no words came out. He turned away from me and stalked to the doorway that led to our bedroom.

He flung it open and pointed inside. “You want out? Fine. Get the fuck out. Pack your shit and leave. Go to your parents’. Amelia is there. I dropped her off earlier when I thought I would have to go out and search for you.”

“Joey, let’s talk about this instead of screaming,” I said, keeping my voice calm.

“No, you’ve said all you have to say, so just fucking go!” he shouted.

“Joey—”

“I said, get the fuck out!” he screamed loudly.

I feared our neighbors would knock on the door to check on us.

“I don’t want you to hate me,” I whispered as tears finally filled my eyes. So much for being strong.

He stalked toward me, and I backed up until I was pressed against the wall, terrified that his rage would take over.

“I’m done with you, bitch. Just go.” He moved past me, heading to the door. He opened it, and a second later, it slammed shut behind him. The walls shook with the force of it.

I slid down the wall, sobbing, until my bottom hit the floor. I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. My head rested on my knees as I let myself cry out all the emotions I was feeling inside.

Part of me was relieved that Joey had been his typical self. He’d fought for us at first, but that hadn’t lasted long. He had gone back to his normal shouting self in no time at all. Calling me a bitch was a little more dramatic than normal for him, but whatever. I didn’t care.

It just proves that I’m doing the right thing.

I forced myself to stand up and walk to our bedroom. I grabbed a few bags out of the closet and began filling them up with my clothes. I didn’t own a whole lot, so it took hardly any time at all to empty my side of the closet. I walked to the dresser next and shoved my bras, underwear, and socks into another bag. I still had plenty of room left in the second bag, so I walked to the bathroom and tossed all my toiletries into that bag as well.

Once my things were packed, I walked to Amelia’s room and packed most of her things into another bag. I left some of her outfits and toys because she had too many things to fit into one bag. I zipped the bag up and dragged all three through the apartment. When I reached the door, I shouldered all three and opened the door to step out into the hallway.

The weight of the bags seemed to drag me down as I carried them out to my car. I shoved them into the backseat and climbed into the front. The realization that I now had to face my parents and tell them what I’d just done settled in. I knew my dad would support me, no matter what, but I doubted if my mother would be as kind.

“You’ve already faced Joey,” I reminded myself. “Nothing could be worse than that.”

My father would never let my mother turn me away, especially since Amelia was with them. With that in mind, I started my car and backed out of my parking spot. I practiced my breathing again as I pulled onto the main road and headed for my parents’ house.

One battle down, one to go.

My parents lived only a few miles away from the shop my father owned.

Their house, a white ranch-style home, was about a mile off the main road. It was close enough to town that we could get supplies during the snowy winter months without issue, but it was far enough away that they had some privacy. My father had built the house right after I was born. It’d started out as nothing more than a three-room structure, barely big enough to fit us in, and it had grown over the years. My father had saved his money and added room by room until their house was complete. Every shutter, every door, every board had been built and installed by my father.

I pulled up their driveway and parked in front of the house. As I climbed out of my car, I debated on whether or not to bring my bags inside with me. Fearing my mother’s wrath, I decided to wait. If I walked inside with three bags slung over my shoulder, she would be sure to attack the moment she saw them.

Obviously, I had to tell them what had happened, but I wanted to do it my own way. Maybe if I could explain how miserable I had been with Joey, she would understand. I snorted. My mother and I rarely agreed on anything, even the small stuff. She would be sure to go nuclear over this.

Steeling myself for the inevitable fight, I started walking.

Round two, here I come.