Текст книги "Beneath This Man"

Автор книги: Jodi Ellen Malpas

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Текущая страница: 29 (всего у книги 33 страниц)

‘Yes, I would.’ I affirm. There is no contest. ‘And trust you? Jesse, I feel sick with betrayal.’ I’ve not even thought about what I’m going to do to Sarah when I get my hands on her. A trample won’t cover it. She has marked my neurotic God and the more all of this sinks in, the angrier I’m getting.

I lift myself from his lap and bat him away when he tries to grasp me. ‘I’m not leaving.’ I say a bit too harshly. His panicked expression has me even madder.

I start pacing around his office, tapping my nail on my front tooth under the tense, anxious eyes of my challenging man, who just keeps delivering on fucking challenges. I’m struggling here. That was some serious sadistic shit. God, I thrashed a belt at him on the launch night of Lusso.

I lower myself to the sofa opposite him and rest my aching head in my palms.  I can hear him repeatedly drawing breath, as if he wants to say something. I exhale wearily and massage my temples. ‘Is there anything else I need to know?’

‘Like what?’ he asks guardedly. I don’t appreciate it and how the hell would I know what? He’s knocked me for six with this place, his drinking, and now willingly being whipped. What else could there possibly be that could shock or anger me more than this?

‘I don’t know, you tell me. You said no more secrets, Jesse.’ I throw my arms up in annoyance. I want to comfort him desperately. Keeping myself away from him is hurting almost as much as bearing witness to his beating. ‘Why would I prefer this to drunken Jesse?’

He leans forward delicately on a clenched jaw, resting his elbows on his knees, rubbing his temples thoughtfully. ‘Drink and sex go hand in hand for me.’

‘What does that mean?’ My voice is high and edgy.

‘Ava, I inherited The Manor when I was twenty one. Can you imagine a young lad with this place and a whole lot of women ready and willing?’ He looks ashamed.

My mind starts racing. Oh, I can imagine all right and it’s no wonder the women were ready and willing. They still are. Look at him! ‘You mean the dabbling?’ I whisper. Do I want to know this?

He exhales. ‘Yes, the dabbling, but it’s all behind me.’ He sits forward on a wince. ‘Now, it’s all about you.’

‘You drank and dabbled?’

‘Yes, like I said, drink and sex go hand in hand. Please, come here.’ He reaches across the big table that’s positioned between the two sofas, but I pull back. His hand drops and he looks down at the floor. I still don’t understand, and it still doesn’t explain why he has just accepted a thrashing from Sarah.

‘So, you didn’t have a drink because you would have wanted to have sex?’ My forehead must look like a road map because I am thoroughly confused.

‘I don’t trust myself with alcohol, Ava.’

‘Because you think you will jump the nearest woman?’

He laughs nervously and runs his hands through his hair. ‘I don’t think so. I couldn’t do that to you.’

‘You don’t think so?’ I’m shocked.

‘It’s not a risk I’m willing to take. Ava. I drink too much, lose reason and women throw themselves at me willingly. You’ve seen it.’ He gives me an embarrassed smile.

I scoff. ‘You didn’t look very capable of anything last Friday!’ He was unconscious and yes, I have seen women throw themselves at him. It’s degrading!

‘Yeah, that’s not my normal level of intemperance, Ava. I was on a mind numbing mission.’ he says awkwardly. I suddenly feel awful.

‘So, you usually maintain a steady level of drinking and then have lots of sex with lots of willing women?’ I think I’m getting my head around this. ‘You’ve never had a drink when you’ve slept with me?’

He gets up and shifts the table so he can kneel in front of me and rest his hands on my thighs. He looks straight into my eyes. ‘No, Ava.  I have never been under the influence of alcohol when I’ve had you. I don’t need it. Alcohol blocked things out for me, made me forget how hollow my life was. I didn’t give a fuck about any of the women I slept with, not one. And then you fell into my life and things changed completely. You brought me back to life, Ava. I never want to touch the drink because if I start, I might not stop and I never want to miss a moment with you.’

Tears start to prick at my eyes at his confession. He was a playboy who fucked about all over the place. I knew that. ‘Have you had sleepy sex with anyone else?’ I hold my breath. Of all the things to ask, I ask this?

He sighs heavily. ‘No.’

I narrow my eyes on him. ‘What about a sense fuck?’

‘Ava, no! I’ve never cared about anyone else enough to need or want to fuck any sense into them.’ He squeezes my thighs. ‘Only you.’

Okay, that bizarrely helps, but he still insists he’s not an alcoholic, which is utter madness. If you don’t drink because you can’t trust yourself, then there’s a problem and anyway, he could have been under the influence all this time. They say a good alcoholic hides it well. How the hell would I know? I think back to Thursday evening when I found him in his office with a bottle of vodka and another woman. Oh, this is bad news. Not only have I got the concern of him having a drink, I’ve also got to worry about what he does once he’s had one. This is rich! I can’t even have a business meeting with a male client without him dissolving on the spot, although Jesse’s meltdown with regards to Mikael seems to be warranted. But I’m not delusional enough to think that he wouldn’t trample my other male clients.

I push his hands away from my thighs and get up, leaving him crouched by the sofa looking lost. ‘So on Thursday in your office, are you telling me that if you had drank the vodka, I would’ve found you nailing Sarah on your desk, not just looking cosy with her on your desk?’ This is horrible.

He gets up and stalks over to me, grabbing my hips to immobilise me before bending down to get into my line of sight. ‘No! Don’t be so stupid.’

‘I don’t think I’m being stupid.’ I scathe. ‘It’s bad enough worrying about you drinking. I don’t know if I can cope with the additional complications of you being drunk and wanting to fuck other women!’ I’m screeching, but I can’t help it.

He recoils. ‘Will you watch your fucking mouth? It doesn’t make me want to fuck other women. It just makes me want to fuck!’

‘So I had better ensure that I’m with you when you have a drink then, hadn’t I?’

‘I won’t be having a drink! When will you listen to me, woman?’ he shouts. ‘I don’t need drink.’ He releases me harshly and stomps off towards the window and then back again. He points at me. ‘I need you!’

And we’re back to that. How the hell does he know? I slap his finger out of my face. ‘You need me to replace drink and screwing.’ I want to cry. All he needs me for is to remove himself from a lifestyle that would kill him if he kept it up for much longer. I’m his escape from a certain premature death by alcohol poisoning. I think I might throw up again. He really is scared of me leaving, but it has nothing to do with how much he loves me. It is because he is scared of returning to a hollow life. ‘You manipulate me.’

‘I don’t manipulate you!’ He actually looks offended.

‘Yes, you do! With sex! Sense fucking, reminder fucking. It’s all manipulation. I need you and you use it against me!’

‘No!’ he roars, and then swipes his arms straight across the top of the drinks cabinet, sending dozens of liquor bottles and glasses crashing to the floor, the sound of broken glass thundering around us.

I jump, stepping back, but he stalks forward and grabs the tops of my arms. ‘I need you to need me, Ava. It doesn’t get any simpler than that. How many times have I got to tell you? As long as you need me, I look after myself…simple.’

‘How is having yourself whipped looking after yourself?’ I scream in his face.

He drops me and grabs at his hair, virtually pulling it out. ‘I don’t fucking know!’

I look to the heavens above. This is hopeless. ‘I do need you, but not like this.’

He takes my hands. ‘Look at me.’ he demands harshly. I drop my head back down so we’re at eye level again. ‘Tell me, how do I make you feel?  I know how you make me feel. Yes, I’ve had a lot of women, but it was all just sex. Mindless sex. No feelings. Ava, I need you.’

I look at my handsome, troubled, neurotic rogue, looking me straight in the eyes and I want to scream at him, bang his head against a wall and knock some sense into him the conventional way. We make each other crazy. That’s the truth of it. We’re no good for each other, and he does manipulate me. The problem is, I enjoy it. The sex kitten in me comes racing to the surface every time. I need him, just as much as he needs me, but for different reasons. He’s made himself a part of me. He’s embedded himself into my mind and soul. Without him, I feel like nothing. I am nothing.

‘How can you need me if I make you do this to yourself?’ I ask tiredly. ‘You’re more self-destructible now than you were before me. I’ve made you need alcohol, not want it. I’ve made you into an unreasonable, crazy man, and I’m certainly not stable anymore. Don’t you see what we’re doing to each other?’

‘Ava,’ His tone is warning. He knows where I’m heading.

‘And for the record, I hate the fact that you’ve put it about?’ I need him to know this, but then the most horrific thought slams into my head.

I gasp.

‘When you disappeared for four days…’ I can’t even finish. My heart has just jumped into my throat and exploded.

His eyes widen at my obvious conclusion, his mouth tightening, the muscles in his jaw ticking. ‘They.meant.nothing. I love you. I need you.’

‘Oh God!’ I fall to my knees. He hasn’t denied it. ‘You were fucking other women.’ My palms find my face as the tears start again, a massive hole punched straight through my stomach.

He joins me on the floor, clenching my arms, shaking me. ‘Ava, listen to me. They meant nothing. I was falling in love with you. I knew I would hurt you. I didn’t want to hurt you.’

‘You said you couldn’t do it to me. You forgot to add again. You should have said you couldn’t do it to me again.’

‘I didn’t want to hurt you.’ he whispers.

My defeated face comes up. ‘So to remedy that, you fucked other women?’ My stomach is turning. I can’t breathe. ‘How many?’

‘Ava, please don’t. I hate myself.’

‘I hate you too!’ I cry, my shoulders jerking as I sob relentlessly. ‘How could you?’

‘Ava, why are you not listening to me?’

‘I am, and I don’t like what I’m hearing!’ I scramble to my feet, but he grabs my waist to prevent me from walking away.

He rests his forehead on my stomach, and I watch through my hazy vision as his own shoulders start jerking. ‘I’m sorry. I love you. Please, I beg you, don’t leave me. Marry me.’

‘What?’ I cry. We’ve not even spoken about the subject at hand yet, and I’m already balancing on the edge of complete breakdown. This is information overload. This is the death blow. ‘I can’t marry someone who I don’t understand.’ I utter the words quietly through my heaves and feel him sag before me on a sharp intake on breath. I can see the angry welts and beads of blood across his back. ‘I thought I was working you out.’ My voice is trembling. ‘You’ve destroyed me again, Jesse.’

‘Ava, please. I was a mess. I lost control. I thought I could fight you out of my head.’

‘By getting pissed and fucking other women?’

‘I didn’t know what to do.’ he says quietly.

‘You could have talked to me.’

‘Ava, you would have run away from me again.’

‘All of the apologies you’ve been giving me were because your conscience was eating away at you. It wasn’t because you were drunk, or because of The Manor. It’s because you screwed around on me. You said you hadn’t dabbled since way before me. You’ve lied to me. Every time I think we’ve made progress, more bombshells. I can’t cope with this anymore. I don’t know who you are, Jesse.’

‘Ava, you do know me.’ He looks up at me with pleading eyes. ‘I’ve fucked up. I’ve really fucked up, but no one knows me better than you, no one.’

‘Sarah might do. She seems to know you very well.’ I say with zero emotion. ‘Why?’

He collapses onto his heels and drops his head. ‘I’ve let you down. I wanted a drink, but I promised you I wouldn’t, and I know what’s likely to happen if I do.’

I wince at his admission. ‘So you had yourself whipped?’

‘Yes.’

My stomach joins my heart in my throat. ‘I don’t understand.’

His head remains dropped. ‘Ava, you know I’ve led a colourful life.’ His voice is quiet. He’s ashamed.  ‘I’ve broken marriages, treated women like objects and taken what’s not mine. I’ve damaged people, and I feel like all of this is my penance. I’ve found my little piece of heaven and I feel like everyone is going out of their way to take it away from me.’

The lump in my throat grows further. ‘YOU are the only one who’s going to fuck this up. Just you. You drinking, you being a control freak, you fucking other women. YOU!’

‘I could have stopped it all. I can’t believe I’ve got you. I’m terrified you’re going to be taken away from me.’

‘So you ask a woman I despise, a woman who wants to take you away from me, to whip you?’

He frowns as he looks up to me. ‘Sarah doesn’t want to take me away from you.’

I shake my head in frustration. ‘Yes, Jesse, she does! You doing this to yourself is agony for me. You are punishing me, not you.’ I’m desperate for him to see this. ‘I love you, despite all of the shit you keep landing on me, but I can’t watch you do this to yourself.’

‘Don’t leave me.’ He grinds the words out, reaching up and grabbing at my hands. ‘I’ll die before I’m without you, Ava.’

‘Don’t say that!’ I shout at him. ‘That’s crazy talk.’

He yanks me back down to my knees. ‘It’s not crazy. That nightmare I had when you were gone. Just like that – gone. It gave me a clue of what it would be like without you.’ He’s in such a state. ‘Ava, it killed me.’

His repeated apologies in his sleep make sense now. I left him in his dream because I found out about the other women. ‘If I left, it would be because I can’t watch you hurt yourself – I can’t watch you torture yourself anymore.’

‘You could never understand how much I love you.’ He reaches for my face, and I pull away. That statement just makes me fuming mad. ‘Let me touch you.’ he demands, trying to grab at me. He’s becoming frantic and panicked and it’s ripping my insides out.

‘I do understand, Jesse, because I feel the same!’ I yell. ‘Even though you’ve fucked me over completely, I still fucking love you and I fucking hate myself for it. So don’t you dare tell me I don’t understand!’

‘It’s not possible.’ He grasps the tops of my arms and pulls me forward on a hiss. ‘It’s just not fucking possible!’ His voice is severe. He really does believe that.

I let him pull me into his chest and smother me, but I can’t even put my arms around him. I’m emotionally drained and completely numb. My strong, dominant playboy is reduced to a frightened, desperate soul. I want my fierce Jesse back.

‘I’m going to get something to clean you up with.’ I struggle from his fighting arms. ‘Jesse, I need to clean you up.’

‘Don’t walk away from me.’

I break free and stand myself up. ‘I said I would never leave you. I meant it.’ I turn and leave him on his knees, walking from his office in a complete daze.

I’m not going to get anything to clean his back up. A bit of attention on his wounds is not going to prove anything. There is only one way I can get him to comprehend that I understand how he feels. And if that’s what it takes, then I’ll do it.

Chapter 31

I bypass the toilets, the busy bar and the restaurant quickly. I don’t need to be seeing Kate, or any of the others, for that matter. And if I clap eyes on Sarah, then I’m likely to end up at a police station because I won’t stop thrashing her with that whip until I’ve sliced her in half. Anyway, it won’t be long before he comes looking for me, so I need to be quick.

I reach the entrance hall and take the stairs two at a time, walking quickly around the gallery landing and ignoring the women’s harsh stares. But then I spot her. I know I should keep going. I know I should resist the temptation to throttle her, but the overwhelming urge gets the better of me.

I approach her. She’s chatting to a few female members, no doubt filling them in on the events of the past hour. She’s still kitted out in her leather gear, whip still in hand. I stop behind her, the other women silencing immediately. Obviously curious to the sudden halt in conversation, she turns to face me. Her expression is superior, with a little sick satisfaction mixed in there too. My blood boils as she stands in front of me, relaxed in her pose, twirling the whip in her grasp.

‘You sent me a text from John’s phone.’ I accuse calmly.

She almost laughs. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

‘Of course you don’t.’ I shake my head disbelievingly. ‘You also let me into The Manor when I discovered the communal room.’

‘Now, why would I do that?’ she asks cockily.

‘Because you want him.’ My voice is amazingly calm, considering my blood is boiling and I’m physically shaking. I can feel the other women’s stares burning through my skin. I spread my gaze over all of them. ‘You all want him.’

None of them say a word. They all stand there watching me, probably anticipating my next move.

Sarah can’t keep her trap shut, though. ‘No, little girl, we’ve all had him.’

I snap.

My fist bunches and flies out, cracking her clean across her botox pumped face, sending her staggering back on her heels and to her arse. I don’t stop there. I grab her hair in the most unladylike, cattish fashion and haul her up, pinning her against the wall by her throat. Shocked gasps ring out through the air before silence falls and the only sound is Sarah’s stunned breathing.

‘You EVER lay a finger on him again, requested or not, and I won’t stop until I’ve snapped every bone in your fucking body. Do you understand me?’

Her eyes are wide. I can feel her shaking under my hold.

‘DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?’ I scream the words in her face. I’ve lost control.

‘Yes.’ she squeaks quietly, shifting under my vice grip of her throat. I’m restricting her breathing.

I release her and she crumbles to the floor in a heap of leather, gasping and gripping at her neck. I’m shaking with anger as I turn and absorb the shocked expressions of many witnesses, all standing in stunned silence. I don’t need to say anymore. I’ve made my point pretty clear to Sarah and every other person stood observing my meltdown. I leave them all and carry on my way to my original destination, shaking violently, breathing heavily. As I reach the bottom of the stairs to the communal room, I waiver for a few seconds, but as soon as I remember Jesse’s words, I race up the stairs with nothing but adrenalin and determination coursing through my veins.

I enter the dimly lit communal room, ignoring the few scenes playing out in front of me, while trying to blank out the erotic music that’s invading my hearing. I’m not here to be turned on. I head to the right and find myself where I want to be.

Two men, I recognise neither, are talking quietly while a women puts her underwear back on. I approach the scene and they all turn their attention on me, the conversation ceasing as I get closer. One of the men watches me cautiously while the other eyes me approvingly, his face breaking out into a dark smile. I kick my shoes off and pull my t-shirt up over my head before throwing it to the floor and unfastening my jeans.

‘Come to play, sweetness?’ One of the men drawls as he starts towards me.

‘Steve, leave her.’ The other guy warns. He clearly recognises me. I throw him a filthy look, and he shakes his head. ‘Steve, you need to leave her.’

‘She wants to play, don’t you, sweetness?’ His eyes are dark but sparkling at me.

‘She’s Jesse’s girl, Steve. It’s not worth it.’ His friend tries to reason with Steve, but he looks like he’s on a mission and doesn’t like being told what to do, which is just what I need.

‘All’s fair in sex and The Manor.’ Steve quips on a smirk. ‘What can I give you, sweetness?’

‘Seriously, Steve, she’s special to him.’

‘She’s special all right. Now she can be special for me too. Ward has never had an issue with sharing before.’

His words stir the bile that’s coating my throat, and I watch as the sensible man grasps the woman’s arm and pulls her away with a cautious look all over his face. This Steve, though, he’s cocky and confident, but not in an attractive way. Not that it matters. I’m not planning on kissing the man.

I walk over to the stand by the wall and pick out the fiercest looking whip I can find before turning and handing it to him with steady hands. Any reluctance will foil me and this is the only way that I can demonstrate to Jesse how crazy all of this shit is. His face spreads into a wide smile as he accepts the whip and runs his eyes down my semi nakedness. I remove my jeans and walk over to stand myself under the suspended gold frame and hold my hands above my head. ‘No contact, just the whip. Hard.’ My voice is clear and totally resolute. I feel resolute. I have no fear or hesitations at all.

‘Hard?’ he asks.

‘Very hard.’

‘What about your bra?’ His eyes are fixed firmly on my chest.

‘The bra stays.’

‘Fair enough.’ He nods and saunters over, tucking the handle of the whip in his back pocket. He reaches up to secure my hands in the manacles on the gold suspended frame.

‘Steve, you need to stop.’

‘It’s none of your business.’ I grate.

‘You heard her, she wants this.’ Steve looks up at me with hooded eyes filled with lust, before he starts walking around the back of me.

My heart starts a heavy, steady thump in my chest and I close my eyes, reciting Jesse’s words in my mind.

It’s not possible. It’s not possible. It’s not possible. It’s not possible.

I blank my mind of everything except that, the music fades and I brace myself for my own punishment – my punishment for reducing Jesse to a fraught mess of a man, for making him need alcohol, not just want it, for turning him into an uptight, neurotic freak…for making him do this to himself.

I hear it before I feel it. A fast, sharp whip though the air before it connects with my back. I cry out.

Holy fucking shit!

The thrash sends a continuous stabbing pain radiating throughout my entire body and my legs turn to jelly. People volunteer themselves for this? I’ve volunteered for this? I keep my eyes firmly shut. It’s only now I realise that we didn’t agree on a number of strikes. I hold my breath and grit my teeth as a second lash falls across my back, and I mentally plead with myself to keep quiet and accept the beating.

I tense myself, waiting for the next hit and when it comes, I release my body, hanging helplessly from the frame. I’m at the complete mercy of this stranger. The fourth, fifth and six thrashes connect at even intervals until I’m familiar with when to expect the strikes, and I’ve completely numbed out what I’m doing. I’m completely crazy. I’m totally unaware of my surroundings, the music is dull in the distance and the voices around me are quiet. The only thing I’m alert of is the timing between each lash and the air whipping before the leather connects with my flesh. I might be unconscious. I’m not sure. I’m not even tensing anymore.

Another thrash connects with my back and I jerk again, my back arching, my head flying back.

‘NOOOOOOOOO!’

The roar I know so well snaps me to the here and now as another burning snap spreads across my back. I buck in shock, the metal restraints clanking loudly above my head. I can’t open my eyes. My head is heavy, my body lifeless and my arms are lacking any blood and feeling in them.

‘Jesus! Ava, no!’ His voice is loud but broken. My body starts swinging slightly, and I feel his warm hands all over me. ‘John, release her hands!  Oh, God, no, no, no, no, no, no!’

‘Mother fucker!’

‘John, fucking hell, get her down! Ava?’ He sounds terrified. I’m grabbed and stroked all over as I feel the tampering of big, clumsy hands on mine above my head. My arms fall down like lead. I’m limp in his arms. ‘Ava? Oh God, please! Ava?’ I’m vaguely aware of being moved.

And then the pain kicks in.

Oh good God!

My flesh feels like it’s on fire, pain emanating from every single nerve ending across my back and beyond. I’m being shuffled about and I can’t even speak to tell him to stop. I’ve never felt pain like it.

‘Don’t let him go anywhere!’ Jesse’s voice is muffled, but I know who he is talking about and through my haze, I realise that I’ve probably just sent Steve to his death.

I need to stop that. I asked him to do this, although I’m wondering why the hell I did right now. I really am completely crazy, but then I remind myself of the reasons behind this. He might not be so willing to do this to himself if he is faced with me following suit. But will he have a drink, or will he get himself whipped again, anyway? God, I hope not. I don’t think I could do this again. Through my dazed state, I realise I might have just started a really big, vicious circle of punishments. Should I have done this?

My crazy side and my sane side are having an argument in my head, and I can hear Jesse’s thundering footsteps and many shocked gasps as I’m carried through The Manor.

‘What the fuck!’ Kate’s shocked voice is distant. ‘Jesse?’

He doesn’t answer. All I hear is John’s low rumble fading into the background along with all the commotion that I have caused. I don’t care. A door slams and a few moments later, I feel the sofa beneath his thighs as I’m cradled in his lap.

‘You stupid, stupid girl.’ he sobs on a cracked voice. I feel him buried in my neck, inhaling into my hair and frantically stroking my head. ‘You crazy, stupid girl.’