Текст книги "Out of Time"
Автор книги: Jen McLaughlin
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Текущая страница: 10 (всего у книги 14 страниц)
I finished my lasagna pretty quickly and studied her from across the candlelit table. She was still eating, so she wasn’t watching me like I was watching her. As a matter of fact, she hadn’t looked up in a while. I knew why. She was sad I was leaving, and I wished I could take it back, almost. Wished I hadn’t agreed to leave. But if I hadn’t, then next year it would have been war.
I’d only have been delaying the inevitable. At least this way it was on my terms.
And once it was over, well, then I’d have Carrie. And I’d never leave her side again, if I had any say. I picked up my champagne and finished it with one swallow. I had to be up bright and early at five a.m. tomorrow, but I could indulge a little. No matter how I looked at it, or how many ways I tried to spin it into some bright shiny angle that would make me feel better, I was leaving the woman I loved behind. And I didn’t fucking like it.
“You’re awfully quiet over there, Ginger.”
Her head snapped up and she swallowed her last bite. Picking up the cloth napkin with the Christmas tree on the corner I’d bought just for this dinner, she swiped it over her mouth and picked up her glass of champagne. After taking a hearty sip, she cleared her throat and smiled at me.
It was a strained smile. She was trying to hide how upset she was that I was leaving. “I was busy enjoying the dinner you made. It was delicious.”
“Thank you. It’s all part of the plan.” I stood up and grabbed the bottle. I stopped at her side and wiggled it in the air. “You ready for a refill yet, slowpoke?”
“Usually you yell at me for drinking too much.” She downed the rest of her drink and extended her arm, so I filled her glass and then mine. “Now you want me to drink more? Make up your mind.”
In the background, Perry Como crooned on about a white Christmas. The flickering candlelight played with the shadows across her face. I smiled down at her and held out my free hand. “Well, tonight it’s Christmas Eve, so the rules don’t apply.”
She slipped her hand into mine and I helped her stand. Once she was on her feet, I led her over to the bare tree. “Look up.”
She did, her long, graceful neck arching as she did so. “Ah.” She chuckled and tightened her hand on mine. “Mistletoe. That means we have to—”
I kissed her, not giving her a chance to say another word. When I pulled back, I rested my forehead on hers and clenched my glass tighter. “Kiss.”
This moment right now? Fucking perfect.
“Mmhm.” She smiled up at me, finally looking not so sad. “Are we going to dress this naked tree or what?”
“Of course.” I dropped her hand and cleared my throat. “Do you want colored lights or white? I bought both because I wasn’t sure.”
“Mom only let us use white. She said it was more elegant, and that the future President of the United States deserved elegant,” she said, her eyes latched on the tree. I reached for the white lights, figuring she’d want to make it like home. “So colored, please.”
I froze, the white lights in my hand. “You don’t want it the same?”
“Nope.” She set her glass down and spun on me, her eyes shining. “We’re not them. Why should we have the same things? I want cheeseburgers and beer, not caviar and three-hundred-year-old scotch. I want lasagna and mistletoe kisses, not press photos and chaste handholding. I want this. Us. And nothing you do or try to transform will change that. You make me happy. This makes me happy, and I love you so much for being you.”
The breath slammed out of my chest and I swear I might have staggered back, her honesty hit me that hard. She really liked me just like I was, and that fucking amazed me. “Then you’ll have this every year. Anything you want, it’s yours.”
“I want you and only you.” She curled her hands around my neck. “So come back home safely, or I might shrivel up and die.”
My gut twisted and curled until I thought I might hurl all over her pretty dress she’d worn for me. The words were lovely and sweet, and I knew she intended them as such, but the thought of me dying and her being ruined by it made me sick. Fucking sick.
I’d never had someone depend on me like this. Need me like this. Not even my father. He’d be upset, but he would move on. She needed me, and damn it, I needed her.
I rested my cheek on the top of her head, which was a hell of a lot closer with those fuck me shoes on, and closed my eyes. “Sweetheart, I promise you that I’m not planning on going anywhere.”
“Good.” She rubbed her nose against my chest. “That’s all I need to know.”
I tightened my arms around her again. “Now let’s get this tree decorated so I can give you my present.”
“I don’t have one for you.” She nibbled on her lower lip. “I didn’t know we were doing Christmas early.”
“You don’t have to give me anything.” I kissed the top of her head and reluctantly let go of her. “You’re all the present I need.”
“I could tell you the same thing,” she said, cocking her brow in a perfect imitation of me. “But you got me something anyway, didn’t you?”
“That’s different.”
“How so?”
I opened the box of colored lights. “Because I want to spoil you rotten.”
“So do I.” She bent over and pulled out a white angel. “This is cute.”
“You can’t do that yet. It’s last.”
She turned to me, the angel perched between her fingers. “Says who?”
“Me.” I pulled out the lights. “And, like, every single Christmas movie ever made.”
She waved the angel under my nose. “Remember? No movies as a kid?”
“Poor, depraved child,” I said, grinning at her. “Don’t worry. I have the best Christmas movie in store for tonight.”
“What’s that?”
“National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.”
She laughed. “It sounds interesting.”
“Ginger, you have no idea.” I handed her the end to the string of lights. “Hold that.”
“I’ve never done this before.” She frowned at the green corded lights in her hand. “Be warned.”
I shook my head and squatted at the bottom of the tree. She was close enough that I had an interesting view up her skirt. I’d feel like a pervert staring up at her, but hell, she was mine and I was hers. I was allowed to look. “Just wrap it around like this.” I wrapped it around the base of the tree. “And make sure you don’t wrap yourself in it.”
She rolled her eyes. “I’m not that bad.”
“If you say so.” I stood and wrapped the light around her legs. “Oops. Would you look at that?”
She burst into laughter and stepped free, her heel getting tangled in the little spot between the cords. “You’re such a dork.”
“You mean I’m adorkable, right?”
“Oh yeah. So much so.” She snorted. “Help me out some more, will ya?”
We spent the next few minutes joking around and putting the lights on the branches. As I reached high, using the last of the lights, she stood back and wrapped her arms around herself. She looked happy enough, but she looked pretty damned sad, too. I bent over and picked up the plug. “You ready to see our handiwork?”
“Yes,” she said, nodding at me with a smile. “Do it.”
I plugged them in and crawled out from underneath of the tree. I stood up, brushing my hands off, and cringed. There was a whole spot in the front of the middle that had no lights. None. “Holy shit, we suck.”
She turned her head to the side, squinting. “If you look really, really closely, you can see the extra lights we put in the back shining though the tree.”
“Hm.” I squinted and turned my head. She was right. I snapped my fingers. “I’ve got it.” I crossed the room and slowly turned the tree. “Tell me when it looks best.”
She tapped her chin and watched with all the scrutiny she would if someone had told her there would be a quiz later. Must be that attention to detail that would help her become an occupational therapist.
She brightened. “Right there. That looks good.”
I stopped turning it and went back to her side. She was right. It looked perfect now. “Well, the window will get a bad view, but it looks good to me.”
“Totally.” She nodded decisively and headed for the couch. “Do you want the red balls or the green ones?”
“Green. Duh.”
She laughed. “Sor-ry.”
I slapped her on the ass, playful and silly. “The red ones are for my Ginger.”
“And green are because…?”
“I like green.” I shrugged. “I didn’t really care what I had, only you.”
“Is green your favorite color?”
“It used to be. Now it’s the color of your eyes.” I should have kicked myself in the nuts for that sappy sentiment. It sounded corny, but it was true. “They don’t have a lot of blue ones, though. Mostly gold, silver, red, and green.”
She swallowed hard and smiled. “Right. Christmas colors.”
I hung an ornament, and watched her out of the corner of my eye. “My buddy Hernandez will be watching you while I’m gone.”
She stopped with a ball half on the tree. “I hadn’t even thought of that option. My dad’s okay with it?”
“Yeah, he is.” I guided her hand to the tree, urging her to hang the ball. “He’ll be staying here so he can watch you close enough. I gave him a copy of the key earlier today.”
She nodded and pulled out another ornament. “So no more free showers here, huh?”
“Nope. You’ll have to slum it with the rest of the freshmen.”
“Hey, that’ll be you soon, too.” She peeked at me out of the corner of her eye. “You’ll be a grade under me.”
“Fuck, you’re right.” I moved to the other side of the tree so we didn’t get another bare spot. “You’ll be robbing the cradle.”
She snorted. “Oh yeah. Let me tell you.”
Talking about the future made me feel a little better about what was coming tomorrow. We’d get through this and everything would be fine. We just had to keep the faith. I couldn’t wait to enter this new life with Carrie at my side.
And I couldn’t wait to be the man I knew I could be with her by my side.
If Captain Richards asked me where I wanted to be in ten years, I’d have an answer for him. I’d want to be right here, decorating a sloppy tree with Carrie. Maybe with a baby in my arms. That’s where I wanted to be.
And I would be, damn it.
When we were finished, I guided her to the couch. After I had her seated and refilled with champagne—though I left mine empty since it was after midnight—I pulled out the long, skinny red box from the coffee table. It was next to my Glock, which Carrie was looking at with pursed lips.
“Are you bringing that with you?” she asked, swiping her hands across her dress.
“I am.” I pushed it aside. I’d been cleaning it earlier, and left it out to dry. “It’s kinda necessary in my job.”
“You don’t wear it here.”
“It’s not a hostile envir—” I broke off, realizing I was about to blurt out shit I wasn’t supposed to. And she, of course, knew what I’d been about to say. “I mean, it’s different.”
She paled and bit down on her lip. “Right.”
“Carrie…” I leaned forward and smoothed her hair back from her forehead. “Enough sad talk. Let’s focus on this, because it’s after midnight. That means it’s Christmas Day.”
She curled her hands into fists. “Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas.” I pressed my lips to hers, savoring the kiss. Soon enough, we’d be falling asleep, and I’d be leaving. “Santa brought you a present.”
She took the box from me, her gaze locked with mine. “I still wish I had something for you.”
“You can give it to me after I come back. Now open it.”
She nodded and ripped open the present. She ran her hands over the velvet case, her head lowered so I couldn’t make out the expression on her face. When she flipped open the lid, she gasped and touched the pendant of the necklace I’d picked out for her.
It was yellow gold, and it had a sun hanging off the delicate chain. I shifted my weight, wondering if she’d get the significance behind the gift.
She looked up at me, tears in her eyes. “The sun’s finally shining,” she said softly. The tears that had filled her eyes just seconds before spilled over, and she threw herself at me. “I l-love it. Thank you.”
I hugged her close, blinking because my eyes were stinging for some strange reason. “The sun will continue to shine because I have you. And you have me. Nothing will change that, okay?”
She nodded against my shoulder, her shoulders trembling as she cried. I held her close, making shushing sounds and saying words I didn’t even pay attention to. Hell, I’d have promised her the moon and the stars if it would make her smile again.
Anything for her.
By the time she pulled back, her mascara was all over her cheeks and she was a wreck, but she’d never looked more perfect to me. I swiped my thumbs across her face, but I only smeared her makeup even worse.
“Want me to help you put it on?” I asked, my voice coming out strained.
She nodded and handed me the box. After I took out the necklace, she lifted her hair so I could clasp it on. After it was securely fastened, I kissed the back of her neck and she shivered. “Thank you,” she said.
I nodded. “You ready for bed, or do you want to watch the movie?”
“Bed. I want to hold you until I have to let go.”
My heart twisted. “Deal.”
I led her to the bed and pulled back the covers, once we were naked, we made love. I held her in my arms until she fell asleep. The last thought on my mind, before I gave in to the overwhelming exhaustion that had been hitting me ever since I found out I was leaving, was that something that was this good couldn’t possibly end badly.
We deserved our happily ever after, damn it.
Carrie
I didn’t want to fall asleep. Didn’t want to close my eyes. I lay there for a long time, my eyes on the cheery Christmas tree and my ears tuned in to Finn’s even breathing. His arms were around me, and I had my ankle looped over his. It was heaven. How could I fall asleep when I didn’t know how long it would be until I felt this way again?
My eyes drifted shut, but I forced them open again. I didn’t want to miss a single moment of tonight. Wanted to cherish it. Hold it close to my heart in the upcoming weeks. My lids drifted shut again. I tried to lift them, but it didn’t work. Maybe I would spend one minute resting them. I wanted to stay awake so badly. Wanted to hold him. Love him. Hug him. I wanted…
Him.
I brushed her hair off her cheek, my chest so tight I couldn’t even fucking breathe. I’d already gotten dressed in my cammies, finished packing my last-minute stuff, and cleaned up dinner from last night so Hernandez wouldn’t come home to a pigsty later this afternoon. She hadn’t stirred through all the noise I’d made, proving how heavy of a sleeper she really was, but now I had to wake her.
All that was left was saying goodbye.
The hardest fucking part.
It was four forty-five in the morning, which meant my ride would be here in less than fifteen. It also meant I had to walk away from the one thing in this world that made my world brighter. I’d known it wasn’t going to be easy, but I hadn’t realized exactly how hard it would be.
The sun necklace I’d given her rested directly on the pale skin over her pulse, and all I could think was this was it. This was the beginning of a time when she wouldn’t be with me, and I’d be off doing God knows what, while she was here without me.
There were so many things wrong with those sentences.
I leaned down and rested my forehead on her temple, my mind flashing back to the first time she’d slept over my house. I’d been dying to touch her, but unable to, and she’d been feeling the same way. I’d felt so desolate that I’d never get to have her, and now I had her, but I was walking away.
I breathed in her scent and kissed her on the tiny freckle under her eye, high on her cheekbone. “Ginger, I have to go.”
“Hmm,” she mumbled, rolling her head toward me but not opening her eyes.
She wasn’t awake.
Part of me wanted to leave her sleeping peacefully. She was going to cry when we said goodbye, and all I wanted was to make her happy. So why should I wake her up to let her cry? But leaving without that goodbye didn’t feel right either.
“Carrie,” I whispered, kissing her lips gently. “I have to go.”
“Go?” Her eyes fluttered open and she smiled at me for a fraction of a second before it faded away. That must have been when she remembered where I was going. “Oh. Oh God. Okay.”
Her arms snaked around my neck and she held on so tightly what I could barely talk, let alone breathe, but I didn’t protest. Why would I?
I needed her love more than I needed to breathe.
I hugged her close, burying my face in her neck. Walking away might be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but it would be worth it in the end. And if I kept telling myself that, then it would be true…ish.
I kissed the side of her neck, wanting to apologize for leaving even though I was doing what I had to do, and it would be okay. We’d be okay. “It’ll be all right.”
She nodded frantically, but didn’t release her death grip on me. “I know. I just need a second.”
I kissed the side of her neck again, since that’s all I could reach with her stranglehold on me. “This isn’t a goodbye. It’s a see you later.”
She made a small sound. “That’s true. It’s only, like, a month.”
Actually, it was two. But I didn’t feel the need to point that out. “Right.” I pulled back to look at her, and she let me. I smiled down at her, trying to show her how calm I was about this whole situation so she’d feel at ease. “It’ll pass by fast with Thanksgiving and Christmas…then before you know it, I’ll be back here bossing you around, annoying you, and making you roll your eyes.”
She let out a small laugh and her dimple popped out. Fuck, I loved that dimple. “You don’t annoy me…too much.”
“There you go sugarcoating things for me.”
She kissed my jaw. “I don’t sugarcoat. I tell it like it is.”
“Oh, do you really now?” I turned my head and kissed her, keeping it sweet and gentle since my ride would be calling any minute to let me know he was here.
She smiled up at me. “I know this is going to work out in the end, and so do you. We’ll skip the rest of the tears. Deal?”
I nodded slowly, smiling even though it fucking hurt. “Deal.”
My phone buzzed on the nightstand, and I picked it up. “That’s my ride. I’ve gotta leave now.”
“Okay.” She took a deep breath and kissed me. “I’ll walk you out.”
I pushed off the bed and slid my phone into my pocket. “If you want to.”
“I do,” she said, sitting up and sliding her legs over the side of the bed. She wore a pair of short shorts and one of my tank tops. She slid her feet into flip-flops, yawned, and reached out for my hand. She clung to me tightly, and I had a feeling I did the same thing to her. “Let’s do this.”
We walked to the door in silence, her hand entwined with mine. As I opened the door, I had to let go so I could wheel out my luggage. She picked up my laptop bag and slung it over her shoulder, and I let her because I could tell she wanted to help.
And if that’s what it took to make her feel better, then so be it.
Carrie
I wanted to punch myself in the face right now. Anything to keep the tears at bay. I’d lectured myself so many times last night not to cry when he left, but it was getting harder and harder with each step we took toward him leaving. He didn’t need to see me panicking and blubbering as he walked away.
He needed to see me standing there—strong and steady and sure. When he left, I could break down, but not a second before.
I straightened my shoulders and thought of anything I could think of besides the fact that my heart was being ripped out of my chest. My upcoming flight home. The lasagna last night. The way he’d held me all night long as if he didn’t want to let go…
No. I shouldn’t think of that.
Bad idea.
I followed him out the door, staring straight ahead and not meeting him in the eye. If I looked at him and he looked sad, I’d lose it. A black government-looking vehicle sat by the curb, right behind my car, its hazard lights flashing. That must be the car that would take him away to…wherever he was going.
I wasn’t allowed to know. Stupid, stupid rules.
As we climbed down the stairs, each step felt heavier. Longer. Because each step we took would take us to that car that would spirit Finn away. I hated that freaking car with a passion. It represented everything I couldn’t deal with right now.
We reached the bottom of the stairs and Finn set his suitcase on its wheels, then reached for my hand. I clung to it, knowing it was the last time I’d be able to do so until next year. He was my person. My rock.
What was I going to do without him here?
“You hanging in there, Ginger?” he asked, watching me with a furrowed brow. “If you want to go back up, it might be easier. Saying goodbye is never easy.”
“It’s not goodbye,” I reminded him, smiling through the pain. “It’s see ya later.”
“Right,” he said, his voice coming out rough. Oh God, if he cracked, I’d freaking lose it. Like, the nuclear warfare level of losing it. “I knew that.”
We stopped at the side of the car and the trunk popped open. Finn wheeled his suitcase to the back and put it inside, then held his hand out for his laptop bag. I handed it off to him, our fingers brushing. He set the bag inside and shut the trunk with a clunk.
The sun was just starting to lighten the sky with tiny little tendrils of grayish-pink, and the birds around us were silent—still sleeping in their nests. It was just us and the guy in the car. And we…
We were out of time.
I held my arms open, and he closed me in his embrace, hugging me so tight he might have cracked a rib. I didn’t care. He could take the freaking thing with him as long as he came home safe and sound. I cupped his cheeks and kissed him hard, squeezing my eyes shut so I didn’t cry.
Not yet. Not now…
He pulled back and looked down at me, his bright blue eyes grave. Gone was the dancing blue eyes I loved so much. He looked sad, scared, and alone.
“Hey, none of that,” I said, using his own words back on him. “I’ll be here waiting for you when you get back, and it’ll be over before we know it.” I looked down at my hands on him, willing them to let go. To let him go. But my fists tightened on his shirt even as I told myself I had to do it. “Stay safe and write to me as much as possible, okay? And Skype if you can.”
“I promise,” he whispered, kissing me one last time. “See ya later, Ginger.”
I forced a smile and let go. As he walked away, I wrapped my arms around myself and smiled at him so big that my cheeks were about to fall off. When he got to the car and opened the door, he looked back at me one more time.
I widened my smile even more and called out, “Hey, look. The sun’s about to shine.”
“Yeah.” He looked up at the sky and let out a small laugh. “Yeah, it is.”
With one last look at me, he got in the car and shut the door. The guy driving waited all of two-point-two seconds before he pulled away from the curb. A few seconds later, the car turned around the corner…and my Finn was gone.
As if in a trance, I turned around and walked back up the steps to his apartment. I’d go home later this morning, but right now I needed to be here. With him. Even if he wasn’t here, it still smelled like him and his stuff was here and I needed to be, too.
I walked inside, shut the door behind me, and walked to his bed, my eyes barely blinking. As I passed the closet, I bent over and picked up one of his dirty shirts from the floor. Finn never left dirty shirts laying around, so it was like a bonus find. I held it to my face, breathed in deeply, and fell back into the bed.
I rolled onto my side, but on his side of the bed because I swore I could feel him there, his shirt pressed to my face. He was gone. Actually, truly gone. What was I going to do without him here, teasing me and loving me?
And now that he was gone, I could finally break down and feel the things that had been trying to kill me since he told me he was leaving.
Fear. Anger. Resentment. Fear. Love. Sadness. Fear.
It all crashed down on me, hard and fast, and I burst into tears. The pain and numbness—yeah, I knew that didn’t make any sense—spread from my heart on out, slowly taking over my legs and arms. Even my fingers and my toes. I couldn’t feel anything except the absence of Finn, and the fear he wouldn’t come home.
I clung to Finn’s shirt as if it alone had the power to make me feel better. It didn’t. The only thing that would make me feel better was Finn, and he was gone. Just…gone.
What was I supposed to do with that?
