Текст книги "Jet"

Автор книги: Jay Crownover

Соавторы: Jay Crownover
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Текущая страница: 14 (всего у книги 20 страниц)

Chapter 13

Ayden

One morning you just wake up and realize the way things have always been doesn’t mean that’s the way they have to always be. I was so used to being called a whore, a slut, white trash, and all the things that just went along with the life I was living, that it didn’t even occur to me until it was almost too late, that leaving the place where I was that girl would mean leaving all of that behind. From the minute I crossed the state line out of Kentucky, the Ayden that was lost and so accustomed to being used and using was gone. Normally, I don’t miss anything about her, but lately that hasn’t been the case.”

I was squeezing the coffee between my hands and staring into the dark liquid like it held all the answers to every question the universe had ever asked. I could feel Shaw’s bright gaze picking me apart and dissecting me, but so far she had kept her mouth shut and just let me talk. We were in the corner of a coffee shop down by the school, and I could tell by the stiff way she was sitting that she wasn’t exactly happy with me. I had called her in a panic yesterday and she had agreed to the outrageous favor I’d asked, with the one condition that I come clean about every sordid detail of why I was currently in the horrendous situation I was in.

“I never knew my dad and, frankly, I don’t think my mama really knew him either. We lived in a crappy trailer on the poorest side of town that really only has a poor side, and it wasn’t uncommon for her to bring strange men home, or for all of us to go without food or lights for long stretches of time. Now, looking back I understand that she did what she had to do to keep a roof over our heads, which could very well be why my brother, Asa, turned out the way he did. People aren’t people to him, they’re just a means to an end, and for a long time, I was his favorite pawn to get those ends to meet.”

I could feel shame burn in the back of my throat, but those tears had long since fallen, and if I was going to cry now, it was going to be for the absolute look of betrayal, of disappointment that had crossed Jet’s face, without my even having to say a word.

“I was young and stupid, and at first I thought it was so cool that all my brother’s older friends wanted to hang out with me, and wanted to hook up with me. I thought I was popular and that I was living beyond the stereotype of trailer trash. Eventually, it became clear that Asa was using me, and he used my well-earned reputation of party girl—the girl who never said no to anyone or anything—in order to have access to the kids with money, the kids with drugs, the kids with whatever it was he wanted to get his hands on at the time. It’s amazing where a short skirt and a bad reputation will get you, and Asa exploited it for all he was worth. Had I been smarter, maybe more aware of myself and what was going on, I could have saved myself a lot of regret and painful memories.”

I finally risked a look at Shaw and some of the bitter edge had faded from her green gaze, but her mouth was still pressed in a tight line that didn’t look at all forgiving.

“I started messing around with drugs to make it more tolerable, to make it seem less like I was exactly what everyone was saying I was. Half the time I was doing what I was doing to keep Asa out of trouble or because I thought it would help a situation he had created, which made me feel awful time and time again. To this day I never asked if he knew what it cost me to help him in any way I could. He’s never said because I don’t think either of us could look the other in the eye if the truth was out there.”

Shaw’s mouth go flat concern, but she waited silently for me to continue. I wasn’t sure the concern was for the old me or the new me, but either way I just needed her to understand why I was making the decisions the way I was.

“I had a science teacher in high school, Mr. Kelly, who was keeping an eye on me. I always managed to get pretty good grades, even though I missed more classes than I ever attended. I guess he saw the wasted potential, the girl trapped by circumstance, and I think he had dealt with Asa a few years earlier, so he knew what my brother was capable of. He threatened to call the Kentucky Cabinet for Health and Family Services and get the state involved if my mama didn’t get her act together, and I guess it was enough to get her motivated to have Asa back off. Mr. Kelly forced me to fill out scholarship application after scholarship application, and hounded me until I practically got a perfect sixteen-hundred on the SAT. I guess I knew it was my one shot to get out of Woodward and if I didn’t do it, I was going to end up strung out and paying rent on my back, just like my mama.”

I shifted uncomfortably in the seat and shot a look around to make sure no one was listening in on our conversation. I was embarrassed to have all my dirty laundry out there. Not that I didn’t trust Shaw; it was just a wound that had never healed completely, and having someone else look at it made it open and bleed all over again.

“I got a partial scholarship to DU. Not enough to cover everything, but room and board were included and Mr. Kelly was so desperate for me to get away from Woodward and Asa’s influence that he pulled money out of his retirement account to make up the difference. Once I qualified for student loans, I paid him back as soon as I could. I got the Jeep at a junkyard and some of the guys who took auto shop fixed it up for some weed I stole from Asa. I hit the road and never looked back. When we moved into that dorm together, and I saw you all proper and elegant, I told myself that was what I was going to be from now on. No one was going to make me do anything I didn’t want to do, no one was going to question my worth or my value as a woman, no one was ever going to doubt that I was intelligent and driven. I was going to be all the things no one had ever given my mama a chance to be, and I wasn’t ever going back to Woodward. Asa was effectively dead to me. I had to get out from under the cloud of what I had let myself become.”

I blew out a breath and saw Shaw raise an eyebrow at me. This is where the favor I asked for came in.

“Only Asa isn’t dead or in jail. He’s here in Denver and he brought all the crap from Woodward here with him. There’s a guy named Silas in town who does really awful things for really terrible people back home. He’s the one who tried to break into the house when Cora was home. Apparently, Asa took something—some important book—from a biker gang and they want it back, bad. Silas will do whatever it takes to get the gang’s book, and I know Asa well enough to know he’ll do whatever he has to in order to keep it, if he thinks he can make money off of it. Asa has always counted on me to fix all his problems and I have no doubt my mom sent him out here for me to take care of him.”

Shaw clicked her fingernails on the table and tilted her head to one side.

“All right, Ayd. That sucks, really sucks, and I’m glad you finally told me all of it. I could kill the people who’ve hurt you. But I just don’t understand what any of this terrible story has to do with you breaking up with Jet, when you are clearly head over heels for him? When he would never treat you badly.”

I cringed, because there wasn’t anything in this world that was ever going to erase the look on his face when I dropped him off at the studio. The light that circled the outside of those midnight eyes had dimmed to the point of being black.

“We weren’t together, so I didn’t really break up with him.” That was as much as I could minimize the damage even if it was a blatant lie. I hadn’t just walked away from him and whatever it was we were building together, I had done what I do best—run.

I was startled because even though Shaw was tiny, when she wanted to, she had enough attitude to seem much bigger. I wasn’t expecting her to push away from the table and I wasn’t expecting her to glare down at me like I had just kicked her puppy across the room.

“We agreed on the truth, Ayd. If you can’t do that, then I’m not sitting here listening to this anymore. I’m already pretty pissed that you think any of that stuff in your past would have mattered to me. You know for a fact Rule was a manwhore, probably more of a slut than anyone really knows, and I loved him anyway. I would like to think that after our friendship took root, you would have known that I would have looked past anything to see all the wonderful things that make you, you.”

She was going to leave. She was actually walking away from me in a huff when I reached out a hand and clamped onto her arm. My brain was having a hard time getting around the fact she was angry about Jet, about how I had treated him, and not the fact I was asking to borrow twenty grand and the fact my past was so ugly and that I had kept it from her for so long.

“Shaw.” I was trying to find the words but she was on a roll.

“No, Ayd, you listen to me. I saw you with him the other night. Hell, I’ve seen the way you’ve watched him for over a year. No, he isn’t a guy who’s going to work in a cubicle and push paper around for a set salary. He is the guy who will turn you inside out, and make you forget about all those stupid boundaries you’ve set for yourself because you’re scared. Jet isn’t going to care about your past; he has one of his own that isn’t pretty. But, like a coward, instead of talking to him about it, you ran away from him when he needed you. You dropped him when he’s getting ready to go on tour for three months, and practically dared him to stick his dick in every European groupie who looks his way, just to get you off his mind.”

I pulled her back into the seat across from me, and waited until the curious stares her outburst had garnered died down. My heart already felt like a heavy stone in the center of my chest. When Jet hadn’t come home last night, every worst-case scenario I could come up with played through my head on an endless loop for hours. For the first time in forever, I cried myself to sleep while I was still wearing his shirt and wishing he were there to make it better.

“Look, I had to break things off. You don’t know my brother, but robbing Jet’s studio, taking everything that’s important to him, is right up Asa’s alley. I refuse to let someone I care about be my brother’s victim, because of me. Jet deserves to go on this tour, to have something just for him, finally. I did what I did to protect him.”

She sighed heavily and squeezed my hand. Some of the heat had faded out of her jade gaze.

“I think Jet is a big boy. I think if you were honest with him, he would not only be able to protect himself, but you as well.”

I shook my head vehemently. No.

“Asa is trouble and he just needs to go away.”

“So what? You think if he burglarized the studio, you can offer him the money and get the stuff back? I don’t understand.”

“I want the money to see if I can get the book back and get Silas out of town, and off my back. Asa is all about protecting Asa. If I tell him the studio had cameras, there’s a good chance he’ll take the money and run.”

“What if it was Jet’s dad? Rule and Nash were talking about it last night. They seem to think Jet’s dad is the most likely culprit. Apparently, there is a really ugly story there that neither one of them was inclined to share with me.”

It was my turn to sigh.

“I can’t take that risk. If it wasn’t Asa this time, it will be Asa next time. All this has made it pretty clear that no one is safe from him and the kind of havoc he can wreak. The closer you are to me the worse the destruction tends to be. I’m not willing to put Jet in that line of fire.”

We stared at each other for a long moment. I could see the wheels turning in her head, and could see her trying to put all the puzzle pieces together. I knew no matter what, she would come through for me. Shaw loved me, and since I had been with her when her world went upside down and sideways, I knew there was no way she would hang me out to dry when mine was hanging so precariously. Gulping down the fear, I bit down on my bottom lip and told her the truth that I had been shoving back for so long.

“Look, I don’t know about love, or being meant for someone, but I’m infatuated with him. He makes me smile just by being in the same room. When he touches me, I forget to breathe and when he sings to me, oh my Lord, when he sings to me there are no words to describe what that does to me. He has his own struggles, and his own bright and hot place that’s hard to get around because of the heat it generates, but that never stops him from trying to get to me. I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel about him. I hate that he ever thought I was so pure, so breakable, but now I feel like I’m shattered into a million pieces of remorse and regret, because he knows just how fallible I really am. I might be in love with him, but I can’t be, because I’m not willing to be the one who destroys him.”

I could feel pressure and moisture build in my eyes, so I dug my nails into my palms to hold it back.

“I haven’t cared about his plans for the future, or compared what a life with him would look like instead of with a guy like Adam, ever since he kissed me in the bathroom on Valentine’s Day at the Fillmore. He’s just . . .” I trailed off and had to close my eyes to keep the emotion from spilling out. “Everything. He is just everything I want.”

Shaw swore softly under her breath. “Then don’t do this, Ayd. You’re making a terrible mistake. I don’t just think he’s everything you want; I think he’s everything you need.”

This conversation had shades of familiarity. We had gone rounds when she was trying to figure out what to do with Rule, so I knew she was coming from a place of honestly wanting what was best for me and wanting to see me happy. But she just didn’t understand what I was dealing with; no one that hadn’t had to deal with Asa could. That on top of the struggle Jet had on his hands with his messed up-parents I don’t know why I thought I could ever play with that kind of fire and not end up seriously burned. We were two people forever marked by those around us, and it hurt to know it was enough to keep us apart.

“Look, Shaw, I really need your help. Things with Jet are what they are, but things with Asa are going to keep snowballing until Silas doesn’t have a choice but to come after me or—God forbid—Cora. Let me handle it and maybe, just maybe, when Jet gets back from tour, we can figure something out.”

Granted, that idea made me want to throw up, but I was nothing if not realistic. “I understand that Asa is a piece of shit and doesn’t deserve me going to the trouble to help him. I hate him most of the time, hate the way he made me feel about myself when I was younger, but my mama did anything, and I do mean anything, that was in her power to keep us together and keep us in a warm, dry place. I don’t owe her much, but I do owe her trying to save Asa from himself this one last time.”

Shaw grabbed my hand and pressed her palm hard against it so that I understood what she was going to say to me was serious and close to her heart.

“You don’t have to sacrifice Jet for Asa, when it’s clear one could love you forever and the other just wants to use you for whatever it is you can do for him. You know, I’m speaking from experience.”

I did know, but I also knew that if Silas got his hands on Asa and handed him over to whomever he had stolen the book from, it was going to end badly. I really didn’t care what happened to Asa, but if I could spare my mom from having to suffer the heartbreak and indignity of burying her son in a pauper’s grave, I was going to do it. And the truth was I couldn’t just watch him die. The added bonus was I got to keep Asa away from everyone I cared about, Jet first and foremost.

“And if anything happens to you, if so much as an eyelash gets damaged while you are messing around trying to clean up your brother’s mess, I won’t hesitate to call the police. You better let him know that I will tell Rule all about this, so he better beware of a whole lot of pissed off coming from the guys, when they hear the entire story. He cares about you and he doesn’t take kindly to people he cares about being manipulated and maneuvered unfairly by family.”

I rubbed my hand across my forehead and tried to get all the stampeding thoughts in line. It was nice to know I had an entire army of tattooed and decidedly dangerous dudes to take up for me, but it was also frustrating that nobody understood I just needed to handle Asa in my own way. If he was responsible for the theft at Jet’s studio, I was going to destroy him myself.

Shaw dug around in her purse and pulled out an envelope and slapped it down on the table between us. I looked at it like it was a live snake, ready to bite me. I couldn’t believe she was just going to hand over that amount of money, that she wasn’t going to make me sign an agreement in blood guaranteeing I would pay her back. Her eyes were locked on mine and I hated the sympathy that was shimmering there.

“I took a cash advance from one of my credit cards. Dad’s been so wrapped up in the divorce and trying to cover his ass, that he won’t notice it for a while.”

I gulped and had to swallow back the sudden rise of bile in my throat. It all felt so dirty and wrong.

“I’ll pay you back.”

She waved a hand, like twenty grand was only twenty dollars. “Eventually. If you want to pay me back sooner, get your head out of your ass and fix things with Jet. Tell him why you’re doing what you’re doing; he deserves to know before he leaves.”

That made me suck in a breath and grit my back teeth together. She got to her feet and leaned over the small table to kiss me on the cheek.

“I love you Ayd. I really hope you get this all fixed before it isn’t just broken, but ruined.”

I watched her walk out of the coffee shop and felt the world tilt on its axis. I had to blink rapidly to avoid the darkness that was starting to swirl around the outside of my vision. Everything, and I do mean everything, I had worked for, the person I had tried so hard to become, was mocking me. She was looking at me from that trailer in Woodward and reminding me that no matter how much distance I put between me and her, I was always going to be Ayden Cross, white trash, and perpetual fixer of all wrongs done by the Cross kids. I took the money off the table, added it to the five grand I had pulled out of my own account, and waited for the menacing figure who had been seated across the coffee shop the entire time I sat there with Shaw to make his way over to me. I wouldn’t put it past Silas to take the money and then demand to know where Asa was, so I had to put together a plan that kept everyone safe.

Silas looked even worse out of the dim light of the bar bathroom and I hated the way he ran appraising eyes over me.

“Where’s your bother?”

I wrapped my hands back around the coffee and met his stare head-on.

“I don’t know, but I’m going to find him and get the book back.”

He didn’t say anything for a long moment and I saw his gaze flicker to the bag on the floor where I had stashed the money.

“You think you can work this so he gets outta Dodge, scot-free?”

I shook my head a little.

“I’ll get the book for you, but Asa is off-limits. He gets to go to Canada, Mexico, wherever the hell he ends up, and you leave me and my mama alone.”

“The people he stole from aren’t the kind of people that work that way. Retaliation in blood, Ayd. You’re smart enough to know that. Hell, you were always too smart for the shit Asa dragged you into. None of us could ever figure out what you were doing there, not that we didn’t appreciate it while you were. Probably the only chance most of us were ever gonna get to have a piece as hot as you.”

It made me want to hurl, but I just rolled my eyes. I knew how to get guys like Silas to give me what I wanted. I could flirt, could make suggestive come-ons, could take him to bed and make him forget his own name, but the part of me that refused to let that Ayden back just gave him a bored look and tapped short fingernails on the table.

“If you want the book, that’s the deal.”

“How do you even know Asa still has it, or that he’ll give it to you?”

I didn’t, but my brother wasn’t the only skilled liar in the family.

“He will, otherwise I’m handing him over to you to do with what you will. I didn’t ask for him to show up and get his sticky fingers all in my perfectly nice life here. If Asa doesn’t want to play ball with me, he can take his chances with you and the bikers.”

He narrowed flinty eyes at me. “I’m going to need some kind of insurance.”

I didn’t even act like I was surprised by that. I bent down and dug out the five grand. I shoved it at him, careful to make sure no part of him touched me.

“This is the last favor I’m doing for Asa. If he wants to steal and tangle with people who would kill him just as soon as they would look at him, I’m done. I’ll get the book, Silas, but if you follow me, if you harass my roommate or my mama anymore, I’m telling you that there are plenty of people here in this town that are willing to make sure you never make it back to Kentucky.”

He watched me without blinking. I think he was weighing how serious I was, and considering the fact that I felt like I was leaking poison and pain all over the place, he must have seen whatever it was he was looking for.

“I need the book by tonight.”

I narrowed my eyes.

“I’ll call you when I have it.”

“Time is running out for all of us, Ayd.”

I scooped up my bag and pushed away from the table.

“It’s a good thing I’ve always been fast then.” I made him write a contact number down on a napkin before leaving the coffee shop.

When I got to the Jeep, the first thing I did was call home. I asked my mom a hundred and one times if she had anyway for me to contact Asa, but she stonewalled me at every turn. I tried to let her know just how bad things were, that she might be in danger, but as usual she just blew me off and told me that moving to the city had made me paranoid.

I called the strange Kentucky number on my phone over and over again. I even texted it a couple of times, but there was no response. I was going to freak out, and have a hissy fit because I couldn’t start to fix things if I couldn’t get my hands on Asa in the first place. I was about to bang my head on the steering wheel and scream in frustration, when a lightbulb went off. I called Adam with shaking hands, and felt even worse when I heard the genuine pleasure in his voice when he answered.

“Hey, Ayd. I didn’t think I would be hearing from you anymore. Is everything okay?”

I closed my eyes and rested my forehead on the steering wheel. I felt so cold, and not from the chilly Denver weather, just cold and frozen from how everything in my once perfectly normal life was going.

“No, no, nothing is okay.” I didn’t mean to blurt that out, but I couldn’t control myself.

“Uh, is there anything I can do for you? Are you all right?”

This guy was just inherently nice, just a good guy all around and it made me feel even worse that I just couldn’t return his affection. It also made it pretty clear that whatever I had with Jet was just so much bigger, so much more consuming than anything I was ever going to have with anyone else, and I had just walked away from it. My heart folded in on itself and made me gasp in acute pain.

“I just need to know if you’ve heard from my brother. He’s a pretty friendly guy and I figured since he was in town, he might have made good on his threat to get in touch with you if he was bored.”

There was silence on the other end of the phone and I had to restrain myself from tossing it against the windshield.

“Is that all? You sound pretty bad, Ayd.”

“Things with Jet didn’t exactly work out, and I’m having a hard time with it right now.”

He cleared his throat and it rasped across my skin like a bunch of tiny razors.

“I have to say I’m kind of surprised to hear that. As much as I wanted things to work out between us, I think it was always pretty clear that there was someone else you would rather be with. I just figured out it was him on Valentine’s Day, but I feel like I should have seen it sooner.”

“Unfortunately, things don’t always go the way we plan. But seriously, I really need to find Asa and he didn’t tell me where he was staying. I can’t get him on the phone.”

Adam was quiet again and I found myself holding my breath. Finally, he sighed so heavily that I could feel it hit me through the phone line.

“I met him at a hotel across the highway a few days ago for a drink. He’s staying at the one over by the stadium. I like your brother, Ayden. He seems like a really nice guy and he says he’s just worried about you being out here all alone, without any family to watch out for you.”

Oh, Asa was the nicest guy in the world all right, when he wanted something from you, and the only thing he was worried about was how I was going to help him out of his latest jam.

“Did he ask you for money?”

If Adam had already played the role Asa had scoped him out for, I was going to be screwed. There was no way he was going to stick around and barter with me if he already had cash in hand.

Adam sighed again and this time it annoyed me. Granted I would probably always feel bad for wasting his time for so long, but I had life-and-death matters at hand, and I needed him to be on board with things, and the sooner the better.

“No. He did ask how much you were working and a bunch a questions about what your days looked like. Like I said, I think he’s just concerned about you. He made it sound like you don’t make too much of an effort to stay in touch with your family back home.”

I could hear the disapproval in his tone, but I didn’t let it bother me. Adam had never even gotten close to the heart of me, so it was all right that he thought I was just a bad sister and a bad daughter. Things were beginning to be clear to me now. All the parts of me that I had hated, and had buried so far down, were the parts that were responsible for me being all the great things I was today. If wonderful people like Shaw and Cora and a guy like Jet could care about me, then both parts of me deserved a break, finally.

“Okay, thanks, Adam. You take care.”

“Hey, Ayd.” All I wanted to do was hang up and go find Asa, but I couldn’t do that to him, not when he had never done anything but care about me. “When you’re ready, when things with the rocker don’t seem as painful, maybe give me a call.”

My hand clenched reflexively on the phone. The idea of going back to Adam, that he still wanted me, should have made me giddy. He was the picture-perfect mate for my dream future, but the thought of being with anyone who didn’t have black-velvet eyes and a voice that made me quiver and shake, made my skin crawl. Jet was going to be it for me, and I was just going to have to learn to live with the fact that I had let him go.

“Thanks, Adam, but I don’t think I’m going to be ready for any kind of relationship anytime soon.”

“Well, even if you need a friend, I’m here.”

I ended the call and tossed the phone onto the passenger seat. I felt turned inside out but things were bright and clear, and the direction I had to go was sharp and defined. For the first time since I came to Denver, I felt like I wasn’t living a lie.

I drove across town to the other side of the interstate, where all the hotels and motels next to Sports Authority field were located. The entire way, I kept an eye on the rearview mirror to make sure Silas wasn’t following me. The hotels here weren’t as nice as the places downtown, but they were right up Asa’s alley. I found the hotel Adam had mentioned and went inside. I knew no one would just give me my brother’s room number, but luckily I had watched him enough to know that if there was a pretty girl behind the counter, she would undoubtedly have fallen victim to his charms by now.

There was a redhead who looked a couple years younger than me who fit the bill perfectly. She looked fresh-faced and sweet, the perfect victim for all of Asa’s machinations. I plastered a pleasant smile on my face and waited until she was alone at the desk. I crossed my arms on the counter and tried to look as innocent and unthreatening as possible. I made sure my accent was on in full force so that there would be no mistaking that Asa and I were related.

“Hey there. I’m supposed to be meeting my brother here. I just got into town and I forgot what room he’s staying in. Do ya think ya can help me out?”

I saw her look at me in surprise. The eyes were enough that anyone would know Asa and I were brother and sister, but the different hair color could be misleading. She bit her lip and looked from side to side.

“What’s your brother’s name?”

I smiled even bigger.

“Asa Cross. He’s a handsome devil, and I just know he would be so grateful if you helped me out. Denver is a lot bigger than the city we come from, and I’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed so any help would sure be appreciated.”

I made sure to layer on the yokel as thick as I could and batted my eyelashes at her. I should feel guilty for being another person who was manipulating her to get what she wanted, but my end game was more important than her feelings.

She fiddled with her hair and continued to look around, like she was afraid of getting caught doing something wrong.

“Um, I’m not allowed to give out room numbers, but I can call up and let him know you’re here, and you can ask him what room he’s in.”

I didn’t trust Asa as far as I could throw him, but I figured he was going to want to hear what I had to say, so I nodded in agreement and kept an eye on the lobby for any sign of trouble. The girl made the call and it only took a moment for her to smile at me and blush at whatever my brother was telling her on the other end of the phone. She giggled, which made my skin crawl, and scribbled something on a piece of paper.

“He said he’s been expecting you and he’s so glad you finally made it.” She put a hand over her chest and leaned a little over the counter, making me rear back to avoid having her right in my face. “He is so cute, and nice. My name is Heather. Feel free to let him know I was super excited to help you out.”