Текст книги "Jet"

Автор книги: Jay Crownover

Соавторы: Jay Crownover
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Текущая страница: 16 (всего у книги 20 страниц)

“Thanks, Rule. Seriously, I understand where you’re coming from and I wish, I truly wish I could have with Ayden the same kind of thing you have going on with Shaw. It just isn’t like that. I know what happens when you try to force something on someone, just look at my folks.”

We stared at each other for a long minute, his pale blue eyes glittering like chips of diamonds as he turned my words over in his head. Finally, he sighed and pushed off the glass.

“I just know that if you think the person is worth it, that the end game is worth it, then you shouldn’t give up.”

I followed his lead and pushed myself off the window. A group of girls walked by and checked us out, but neither one of us returned the attention or the flirty smiles sent our way. I wanted to kick something.

“I guess happiness is all relative now.”

We went back inside the shop and Rowdy was walking the girl he had been working on to the desk. Cora was giving her the stink eye and being particularly snarky as she cashed her out. Rowdy and I exchanged a fist bump, and he jerked his head toward the back room where they all had drawing stations and a little break room.

“Come back and check out what I threw together. If you don’t like it, I have enough time to change it up.”

Rule clapped me on the shoulder.

“He’s been working on it all day. It’s fucking amazing.”

I lifted an eyebrow and followed Rowdy to the rear of the shop.

“Thanks for pulling it together so quick.”

“It isn’t often I have a client who gives me free rein to just do what I want, so I had a good time with it.”

The stencil was massive. It would cover one entire side of my back, from the top of my ass to the base of my shoulder blade. The fire was the main focus, with twisting, twining flames that licked over an old-fashioned microphone that was split open in the center and looked similar to a screaming mouth with more swirls of flame spitting out of it. It was nasty, it was mean, it was bright, and it was full of life. It looked exactly like what I felt when I was onstage, and the colors he envisioned, the flow he found for it, was more like a watercolor painting than the typical hard lines of a tattoo. I stared at it in awe for a long minute, until Rowdy cleared his throat, and I noticed that he looked a little nervous.

“Is it kind of what you were after?”

I laughed, really laughed. Laughed so hard I felt water build in my eyes.

“Dude, if I didn’t think you would punch me in the face, I would kiss you. It’s perfect. It’s exactly what I wanted.”

“It’s big. All we’re going to be able to get done tonight is the outline, and you’re looking at a solid four to five hours for that alone. You need to decide what side you want it on.”

“The side opposite the angel of death.” I figured that would look more balanced than having them on the same side, even though the death angel took up most of my chest.

“Cool, give me a few to set up and get the transfer ready. Nash said when he was done with the guy he’s working on, he’ll run out and grab pizza. Rule said he was gonna get a case of beer and come back. You have to wait until you’re done getting inked to drink though, otherwise you’ll push the ink out. We’re all just gonna hang out here.”

I readily agreed and kicked back while he went to take care of business. My family was as settled as it was ever going to be, my music was in the prime of its success, and I had the coolest group of friends ever. It was a shame that none of that seemed to do any good at filling the place in me that was still gaping wide open because of a whiskey-eyed brunette. Nothing made the fact that she was still talking to Sweater Vest easier to swallow, and none of it made the fact that we just couldn’t figure out how to be together suck any less.

Letting Rowdy hammer on me for a few hours with a bunch of needles seemed like a good way to get the endorphins and adrenaline flowing, and a good way to let some of that scorching, blistering emotion Ayden stirred up bleed out.

Chapter 15

Ayden

Sacrificing so the person you loved would be better off should have made me feel altruistic and at peace. Unfortunately, in my case it was making me miserable and uncomfortable. Walking away from Jet before Asa could get his grubby paws into him, or before all the nasty things I thought I had a handle on could come between us was so much harder than I thought it would be. I didn’t know what was worse, the awkward encounters I had with Jet when I ran into him in the house, or the nights he didn’t come home at all.

My head would spin around like a crazy person, trying not to wonder who he was with or what he was doing. I had always wanted him on a purely chemical and sexual level, but now that I knew him, now that I understood all the things going on behind those dark eyes of his, I wanted him for everything else as well. It broke my heart into a million pieces every time he looked at me like I was a pane of glass, and that he had not interest whatsoever seeing what was on the other side. It killed me when he just gazed right through me. The reality was, if he looked close enough, he would see all those shattered pieces of my heart in places they didn’t belong. They were in my throat, in my hands, and lost somewhere in the pit of my stomach.

He was leaving today. When I left for my run earlier, he had been getting his stuff together by the front door and talking on the phone to whoever was coming to pick him up. Part of me was glad that the tension that rolled between us would ease now that he was going to be thousands of miles away, but a bigger part of me, a louder part of me, was screaming that once he was out of the door with that guitar, it was over for good between us. I knew he deserved to know the real reasons why, but I just couldn’t seem to find the right words to tell him.

I hadn’t heard from Asa or Silas in more than a week. I hoped my brother had taken my advice and found a deserted island to hole up on, but knowing him, I had my doubts. I wasn’t stupid enough to meet Silas alone, so I had given that little book that had turned my life so upside down to Lou, and had Silas come to the Goal Line to get it. Lou was cool about it and didn’t ask a million questions. Plus, he had the benefit of looking like he could pull Silas’s arms off and beat him with them with very little effort, so I felt safer having him take care of the hand-off.

I tried to call my mom and explain the whole situation to her, but she was as disinterested as always, and wanted to talk instead about some guy she met at a bar. Apparently, he wanted her to go on the road with him in his big rig and she was all excited about it. As usual, I tried to be the voice of reason, telling her she didn’t know the guy, and that if they got into a fight or she decided she didn’t like him, that he could end up leaving her stranded wherever he liked. She didn’t want to hear any of it. She didn’t even say thank you or seem at all grateful that I had come up with a way to keep Asa breathing, at least for now. All of it reminded me why I had been so desperate to get out of Woodward in the first place, and why I wanted my life to look so different now.

Adam had taken to calling once or twice a day, now that he knew Jet and I were no longer involved in whatever it was we had been trying to do. I could tell he was honestly concerned about how I was doing, but I had had to tell him more than once that I just wasn’t interested in dating or starting anything with someone else. The fact of the matter was that no one was ever going to be safe in a relationship with me, secure financial future and corporate career or not. The things in my past, the people in my life, were always going to be a threat and there was just no way that I ever wanted to risk subjecting someone I cared about to that. It wasn’t fair.

When I got back to the house, I stopped to catch my breath and I stumbled a little, because Jet was coming out the front door and headed down the steps. He stopped short when he saw me and looked down at the toes of his combat boots. The look in his eyes broke my heart, and all I wanted to do was wrap him in a hug and tell him everything would be okay. I knew that wasn’t really true, so I just propped a hip on the wrought-iron railing and looked up at him.

“Are you okay?”

He didn’t even look up at me, but I saw his shoulders tense and his nails dig into his palms. I didn’t know if I was in love with this man, but I thought I was, and I knew for absolute certain that all I wanted for him was that he never feel the way he was obviously feeling right now again. If I had to stand between Jet and whatever was making him sizzle and pop with anger the way he was at the moment, I would do it, even if that meant I kept myself away from him as well. He deserved some measure of peace, some respite from the demons that constantly hounded him, and even if it meant not being part of his life, I was determined to see that he got it.

“I’m fine.”

He lifted his head to look at me and those eyes were so dark and so angry that I felt them singe across my skin. I understood better than he could ever imagine about being hurt by someone who you loved, and I wanted to tell him, wanted to explain the entire ugly mess to him. But then he would just want to fix it and there was no fixing Asa, and no going back in time and fixing the girl I used to be. There was just moving forward and getting the things we had worked for, and building a better life from here on out, and hopefully being better people along the way.

“Well, have fun on tour. I’m sure you’re going to be amazing.”

It was stilted and awkward, as all conversation between us was anymore. We used to be able to talk to each other, just look at each other and know what the other was thinking. Now we were just two people hurting for different reasons, trying to pretend like it didn’t rip us apart to breathe the same air.

I wasn’t expecting him to move but suddenly he was in my face with a rattle of the chains that hung from his wallet to his belt, and a clinking of the rings on his fingers. He grabbed the metal rail on either side of me. Those blazing eyes were millimeters from my own, and I could see the way his anger pulled down the corners of a mouth that had loved me in so many different ways. I knew Jet had a lot of rage inside him, knew that he struggled to keep a lid on the volcano of emotion that roiled inside him, but I never expected to see it unleashed on me. It burned and popped across all my exposed skin and all I could do was stand there and take it, while he glared at me and growled,

“Does it even matter?”

I wasn’t scared of him, wasn’t scared of that anger. What terrified me was being another person who had ultimately let him down, who had picked someone awful and abusive over him. That wasn’t my intention, but it was what I had done nonetheless.

“Of course it matters. What was between us always mattered; you matter. We both knew going in that it was never supposed to be long-term, just a good time remember? We aren’t good for each other, Jet.”

The words tasted like dirt on my tongue. I wanted him forever, wanted him to sing me to sleep every night, wanted to watch him onstage and know he was coming home with me. I wanted all of it, and none of it was the future I had ever planned for myself, but more than that, I wanted him to be happy. I wanted him to have something that no one could tarnish or soil; not his dad, not his mom, not me, and sure as hell not my jackass of a brother. He was great and more talented than one person should ever be, and I knew he deserved greatness. I refused to stand in the way of that.

He bent down, leaning in even closer, so that our noses were practically touching. I was shivering from head to toe, because it had been far too long since I had pressed up against the long, hard lines of that lean body. I was always going to want him, always going to be tempted by him, and it took every ounce of self-control I had not to grab him and slam my mouth over his, not to beg him to come back to me, not to demand that he keep it in his pants while he was on the road. But I didn’t have the right to do any of those things, so I just watched him carefully and tried not to quiver.

“Why can’t you just say I’m not good for you, that I’m not what you want? It doesn’t have anything to do with me or what I think or want, Ayd. I could see forever with you, and could promise you every day that it’ll just be me and you.”

That made my heart seize. I wanted to grab his face, wanted to kiss that mouth that looked like it tasted sour and bad. I just wanted to make it better, but there was no way I could. I sighed and shook my head a little bit.

“I want what’s best for both of us. I know you don’t understand that, and I can see that you don’t really believe it, either, but it’s true. I know I’m not what’s best for you, Jet. I have things going on and so do you, really. I don’t think the universe or that girl from my past was ever going to give us a fair shot.”

I wasn’t ever going to be what was best for anyone, but that was neither here nor there.

He was looking at me like I was killing him slowly, over and over again. He pushed off the railing in a violent move that made me flinch a little. He scowled at me and shoved his hands through his messy hair. He took a few steps down the stairs, so that I was standing above him. When he looked up at me, the pain in his eyes tore away whatever was left that I was hiding behind. None of it mattered anymore and the truth was just too strong to ignore.

I loved him, loved him like I had never loved anyone or anything ever, and I realized that was why I could let him go. I could see how much it hurt him, imagined that I looked just as bad, but knowing I was doing it for the right reasons, because I did love him, made me believe we would both be okay in the end. Letting him go for his own good, to protect him from all the things that he could suffer from if he loved me back, was worth it.

“That’s funny, Ayden, because when I’m with you, I feel better. I behave better, I sound better, and some of the nasty shit that eats me up inside doesn’t seem so bad. No one has ever done that for me before, so if you aren’t what’s best for me, I can’t imagine what you think would be.”

I bit my lip and caved. I hopped down to the next step and grabbed his frowning face in both hands. His rough cheeks abraded my palms and he was warm, as if all that stuff he was feeling on the inside was trying to find its way out through his skin.

“You don’t need anyone to make you better, Jet. You’re already the best.”

I meant to just brush my mouth across his, to just touch lips to lips, to try to soothe some of those broken edges we seemed to keep stabbing each other with. As usual, when it was me and him, it went from sedate and light to a full-blown inferno in half a second. My hands wrapped in his hair, his hands locked on my waist, and it went from a good-bye peck to the kind of kiss people share when they know there is a very good chance they will never see each other again.

His lips were hard and his tongue was insistent against my own, and there was a level of desperation in both of us that made the kiss twist into something more dangerous than I could handle now that I realized how deeply I cared for him. Everything about Jet was passionate—his mouth, his hands, and the way he held me like I was going to escape and run away at any minute. He kissed me like he loved me and it broke me even further. I had no doubt had we been inside, and not standing in front of the house when the van with the rest of the guys in the band pulled up, that they would have interrupted something a lot more intimate than us kissing.

Someone honked the horn and Jet pulled away. He left a little bite to remember him by and now, instead of being angry, those oh-so-pretty eyes with that gold halo just looked sad.

“Bye, Ayd.”

I had to hold back tears. I put his shaking fingers to my mouth, like maybe I could hold him there, keep him with me forever, and whispered back, “Bye, Jet.”

He hauled all his equipment to the van and I stood frozen to the spot. Right before he closed the door, he looked at me and forced a lopsided grin. I lost it. Before the van was gone from the front of the house, I bolted to my room and threw myself across the bed. I cried because I couldn’t help but feel like he was telling me good-bye forever, and I cried because there was no way I could have him. I cried because my mom was never going to grow up, and I was never going to get my childhood back. I cried because, as awful and manipulative as Asa was, I still loved the rat bastard. But mostly, I cried for me. I had spent so much time trying to deny who I was, and working toward a future that was secure, that I wasted Lord only knew how long avoiding and denying the one person who wanted to actually promise me a forever. It was a mess.

I didn’t hear Cora come in, but I felt my bed sink down when she sat on the edge of it. Her fingers were cool when she pushed my hair off my face.

“That was brutal.”

I sniffed and tried to wipe the moisture away with the pillow case, but my eyes kept on leaking.

“How much of it did you see?”

“Enough to watch two of my best friends’ hearts break. Come on, Ayd. Why are you doing this? Clearly you guys belong together.”

The tears came harder and harder and my heart squeezed so hard I thought I was going to stop breathing for a minute.

“It’s for the best.” I wasn’t sure how many times I had to say it before I actually started to believe it myself.

She didn’t say anything else, which for Cora was like an act of God himself, but she did stay and continue to stroke my head until I was all cried out.

The first week he was gone was the worst. I threw myself into school and picked up every extra shift I could at the bar, and not only because I had to pay Shaw back an exorbitant amount of money. I had to stay busy or I felt like I would crack into pieces.

My friends asked how I was doing every day, and every day I lied and said I was fine. I even gritted my teeth and listened to Cora when she gave me updates on how the tour was going. Apparently, Enmity was even more popular than the band that was headlining, which wasn’t surprising at all. Jet was a rock god and now all of Europe knew it, too. I wondered if, when he got back, he was finally going to sign with a big label and shoot to real stardom. He deserved to be recognized for how wonderful he was.

I ran more than I had ever run in my life. It was the only thing that wore me out enough so that I could fall asleep at night, and even then I still woke up and rolled over to reach for an empty side of the bed. When that happened, I tossed and turned and then finally gave up, and eventually just got out of my bed and went across the hall to sleep in Jet’s empty bed, because it still smelled like him and made my heart hurt less.

I thought I was doing a good job keeping it all together, but sometimes I would see Shaw watching me like she was afraid I was going to shatter or do something crazy, like beat Loren to death with her own stupidity. There were times Cora would say something and then just look at me, and I realized I was supposed to laugh or chime in with my two cents, but nothing really seemed funny to me anymore. It sucked. I felt like I was empty and hollow, and that hurt way worse than having anyone know what my life used to look like did.

Week two was a little better. I stopped listening for the sad strains of a guitar and I managed to stay in my own bed for most of the week. The only rough spot was when I overheard Cora talking to him on the phone, and I wanted to chase her down and steal it from her to ask how he was doing, ask if he had found some crappy European version of me to help heal his broken heart. That night, not only did I sleep in his room, but in his shirt as well. It was pathetic.

I had about a thousand unsent text messages on my phone that I battled day in and day out not to send to him. I wanted to tell him that I missed him, that I loved him, and that no one would ever be to me what he was. Instead, I listened to sad country songs (new ones, not old ones) and told myself over and over again that it was all for the best.

By the time week three rolled around, I was faking being okay like a pro. Shaw wasn’t giving me the eye anymore, and Cora was talking about Jet like it didn’t cut me open every time she said his name. I had even agreed to have a couple strictly platonic coffee dates with Adam, just to reinforce to him that I wasn’t interested, and that while I thought he was a super guy, my heart just simply belonged to someone else. He took it with a grain of salt, but continued to call, and as long as I had everyone watching for cracks in my facade of indifference, I decided it didn’t hurt to keep him around.

I was getting used to the absent feeling I was carrying around, getting used to the idea that this is what my life was going to look like now, because there was no replacing someone like Jet. There was no getting around that he was what my future was supposed to be when my past decided it wasn’t done toying with me yet.

I was getting ready for work, standing in the bathroom subconsciously looking for all the junk Jet used to leave lying around, when that same odd number from Kentucky that had been calling for weeks popped back up on my phone. I was going to ignore it, but then I figured it was just Asa, and since I hadn’t heard from him in more than a month, I decided it would be best to answer and let him check in, or ask for money, which was more likely. I propped the phone between my ear and shoulder while I fussed with my hair, and answered.

“Hello?”

It wasn’t Asa. It wasn’t Silas. It wasn’t my mom. It wasn’t anyone who I would have ever expected to hear from again.

“Hello, Ayden.”

I blinked for a second and stared in shock at my own reflection in the bathroom mirror.

“Mr. Kelly?” There was no mistaking that kind voice with the familiar Southern drawl. It was the voice that had broken me free from Woodward. It was the voice that had convinced me I was better than all the things I was doing wrong.

“I’m sure this is a surprise, but I had to call to tell you about Asa.”

I could see my own bewilderment reflected back at me.

“Asa?” I was sure I sounded as confused as I felt, but I was having a hard time putting two and two together.

There was a sigh on the other end of the phone.

“You know I always believed in karma. I thought that by helping you, getting you out of that trailer park and out from under your brother’s thumb, my universe would be in alignment, and for a while it was.”

“Have you been calling me the last month or so?”

“I have. I knew they were going to send Silas after Asa, so I wanted to check in on you. I figured as long as you answered, you were okay.”

I leaned against the sink because my knees were suddenly weak.

“What’s going on with my brother, Mr. Kelly?”

There was another sigh, and this one I could almost feel the heaviness of. I owed this man my life, but I had a sudden, sneaking suspicion he was about to move to the category of “no good things come out of Woodward.”

“Asa didn’t give you the entire book when you paid him off. There were a couple of pages missing from it and the motorcycle club isn’t happy.”

That was just like Asa. Leaving good enough alone was never his style and greed was just too powerful a motive.

“Asa is long gone, Mr. Kelly. I gave him enough money to sit on a beach and sip margaritas for as long as he wants. I can’t get those pages back.”

“Oh, I know that, Ayden, and you don’t have to worry about the missing pages. The club already retrieved them, and that’s why I’m calling.”

My stomach rolled and I felt the blackness start to swirl.

“Is my brother dead?”

There was a lot of silence on the other end of the phone and I thought I was going to pass out.

“No, but you might want to come home, because I honestly don’t know how much time he has left. He’s in bad shape. He’s at the hospital in Louisville.”

I gagged a little and sank to the floor. The cold tile on the back of my legs brought a little clarity to my rapidly spinning mind.

“How are you involved in all of this?” One thing was clear to me now, this man had never helped me out of the pure goodness of his heart.

“I wish I wasn’t. I wish I could have just watched you drive away and never thought of you again, but that isn’t the case when you live in a small town like this.”

“Mr. Kelly, please just get to the point.”

“My name is in that book, has been for years.”

I coughed a laugh out that sounded more like a wounded animal dying.

“So you saved me, just to sacrifice me when it was convenient for you?”

“Your brother courts trouble, Ayden. Blame him, not me. When I decided to help you I had to get the money from somewhere and there was no way a teacher has those kinds of funds lying around. I gamble, I have for years, and sometimes my luck is better than others. I was on a hot streak when I helped you out and now . . .” There was a long drawn-out pause and I could almost feel him struggling with the words to use to minimize the damage this call was creating in the fabric of my reality. “Now all that luck is gone and it was get Asa and the book or end up in a morgue. I’m so sorry you had to be involved Ayden.”

“Why on earth would Asa go back to Woodward, knowing what was waiting for him there?”

I was so lost, so confused, but one thing was obvious, this was just one more person who had used me as a means to an end. One more person who couldn’t see past what they thought I should be. As it turned out, being the only person that knew where to find me, the only person back home with a clue as to how my life was progressing out in the mountains, had proven too good a bargaining chip for him not to use.

“Because I called him and passed on the message that if he didn’t come back, the club was going after you.”

I hissed out a breath through my teeth. “You would have sent them here?”

“It’s a lot of money, Ayden. One day, maybe you’ll understand. I’m the one who called the ambulance when they were done with your brother, so maybe instead of judging me, you should thank me. After all, the life you’re living now, no matter how you came by it, is because of me. I knew I was absolutely doing the right thing when I saved you from this town. I knew you had greatness in you and I wasn’t wrong. You have become a remarkable young woman with so much potential. It does a guilty part of me good to know I had a hand in that.”

“Asa came back because of me?”

That didn’t make any sense. My brother was selfish, he was arrogant, and really, the only person he cared about was himself. The idea that he would have sacrificed himself for my safety was just crazy.

“He did. He knew whatever the club did to him wouldn’t compare to what they would have done to you, if they got their hands on you. For what it’s worth, your brother got less than he deserved, and if he pulls through, maybe he’ll have learned a lesson. I really am sorry it had to go this way, Ayden. You deserve better.”

The phone went dead on the other end of the line. I let mine rattle from my numb hand onto the floor. I put my forehead against my knees and concentrated on not passing out. It was all a lot to take in. My brother, Mr. Kelly, the way things were with Jet, all of it came tumbling down around me, like a house of cards. Thoughts of things I should have done differently started slamming into my head, left and right. The decisions I had made, bad and good, began chasing each other in a circle so fast that I was dizzy and sick at the same time.

I heard the bathroom door open and looked up at Cora with startled eyes. I must have been quite a sight, because she freaked out a little when she called my name.

“What in the hell is going on? I thought you fell in the shower or something.”

I just gazed up at her, this little punk-rock pixie who I loved, and realized that Mr. Kelly was dead wrong. The life I had now had nothing to do with anyone but me. These people loved me for me and would love me in spite of me. They loved whatever me I gave them, no questions asked. Bad choices and a life lived unwisely before I got to this point weren’t worth suffering an eternity for, and trying to save Jet from me was stupid. He was the only person I had ever cared about who wanted me just for me, and not for what I could do for him. If I had let him, he would have loved every part of me, and made sure that both of us were safe from the things that the past kept trying to drag us back into.

I blinked up at Cora right before she was going to smack me to get my attention.

“I have to go home.” My voice cracked. I think all of the things that made me who I was were starting to leak out, but I wasn’t afraid of anyone seeing it anymore. I wasn’t afraid of seeing it in the mirror every day anymore.

“Home? Home, like Kentucky? Why?”

“My brother is in the hospital. It doesn’t sound good.”

She got on her knees in front of me and put her tiny hands over mine, where they were resting on my knees.

“Oh no, do you need me to go with you? Do you want me to call Shaw? I didn’t even know you had a brother.”

I just shook my head and let it flop back until it banged against the cabinet door.

“No. My mom took off with some trucker named Earl or Daryl or something. Not like she would come back anyway. Mother of the Year she is not. It’s just me and Asa, and normally really it’s just me, but he got hurt trying to do something right for the first time in his sorry life. Now I have to go back home and hope he pulls through, so I can kick his ass and thank him, in that order.”

She had a look of shock on her pretty face.

“I think that’s the most you’ve ever said to me about your past, ever.”

I closed my eyes and blew out a breath.

“That’s because it’s not a pretty tale and I spend a lot of time pretending it never happened. Only now, it’s right in my face and it caused me to push the only guy I’ve ever loved away. I thought Jet wasn’t right because he made all the old parts of me want to break free and take control of this wonderful life I have here. I think I’ve been punishing myself for things I’ve done in the past. Jet would have been a reward, and I refused to take it, because I didn’t think I deserved him.”