Текст книги "Surrender to Love"
Автор книги: J. C. Valentine
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Текущая страница: 10 (всего у книги 15 страниц)
Her voice hitched as Jon came up behind her. She felt the heat of his body sear her back, and she squeezed her eyes shut tight. With firm but gentle hands, Jon turned her around. Patti could feel the sting of tears pricking her eyes, and when she opened them, they spilled down her cheeks. Jon’s thumbs smoothed them away.
“Jon.” His name left her on a shuddering breath.
Without any words, he cupped the back of her head and lowered his mouth to hers. They kissed slowly at first, their lips pressing softly against one another, and then growing in desperation and hunger, until they were both grasping at one another as though their lives depended on it.
Bending down, Jon slipped his arm under her knees and scooped Patti up. Her arms looped around his neck as she returned to his mouth, pouring her love for him into every kiss, hoping he could feel what she felt for him.
She didn’t want to let him go.
As he carried her to the bedroom and laid her out on the bed, her hands grasped frantically at his shirt, dragging him down on top of her.
She didn’t want to let him go.
Even as Jon undressed them both, tearing at their clothes like a man possessed, she never let him out of her reach, out of her sight. She drank him in. His bulging arms, his defined abs, every hard muscle that twitched and flexed, dancing before her eyes. Just thinking about all the things he had done to her body, all the things he was about to do now, made her heart race.
She didn’t want to let him go.
When Jon slid into her, she clutched him tightly, inhaled him deeply, taking every part of him into her and committing him to memory, because she didn’t want to let him go. And after Jon spilled inside of her, his body shuddering, his skin damp with sweat, he lingered at her mouth, stroking her lips with tender, almost reverent kisses that hurt her more than words ever could.
But, then, maybe he knew that.
Rolling on to his side, Jon pulled her against his chest and held her until she drifted off to sleep, and when she awoke, she found herself cold and alone.
He had let her go.
19
He’d hurt plenty of people before, broken plenty of hearts in his time, so why, then, was Jon so bothered this time? Oh, that’s right, because he was in love. Love was a complication he’d never thought he’d have to deal with again, because he’d purposely designed his life to avoid it. A lot of good that did.
The bed felt particularly empty now that he didn’t have anyone to share it with, more so now that he lay there staring at the ceiling with only his thoughts to keep him company. Morning was coming soon, which meant that Patricia would be waking up to find him gone.
It took everything he had in him not to stay, but he’d already screwed up by sleeping with her. Just one more time, he kept telling himself when they’d pulled up to her house last night. He just wanted to hold her in his arms, feel her body against his one more time. The memory would be all that he had left come morning, and he wanted to savor every second.
It was the most bittersweet moment he’d ever experienced, and he was still questioning whether it had been a good or bad decision. Of course, he loved her, and he knew he’d be letting her go. She knew no such thing. While he prepared himself to leave, she had pushed closer, and he had let her because he was selfish. He couldn’t stand not having her one last time.
He thought of her distraught face, her glistening eyes, and the tears he wiped from her face, made him realize that maybe she had known what was happening, after all.
It still didn’t excuse him from taking advantage of the situation, but he couldn’t walk away from her at that moment any more than he could ignore someone injured on the side of the road. In his mind, he was soothing them both, seeking solace in one another’s arms. Saying goodbye.
What would she think of him when she found him missing? What would she do? A heavy pounding startled him from his thoughts and Jon sat up, listening. When it happened again a moment later, he realized it was coming from the front door.
Dragging his weary body out of bed, he made his way to the door and opened it to a very pissed off Patricia. Despite the fire snapping in her crisp blue eyes, he admired everything about her.
She was dressed in a tank top and a pair of yoga pants, her wild blonde hair knotted on top of her head. She wore no make-up, but she looked even more breathtaking to him for it. He loved that she possessed natural beauty. He could stare at her forever, listing all the things about her that he loved, but her waspish words snapped him to attention.
“Is this what you do when you decide you’re done with a woman? You just screw her and leave in the middle of the night so you don’t have to explain yourself?”
Jon expected her to be angry, so this came as no surprise, but he was a little shocked that she had come after him, and so soon. Sliding a practiced mask of cold indifference into place, Jon leaned casually against the doorframe and folded his arms across his chest. “Good morning, Patricia. Did you sleep well?”
Her eyes narrowed a fraction. “Not very considering my boyfriend crawled away in the middle of the night like a coward.” She slung the words at him, searching his face for any sign that she had hit her mark.
She had, but Jon didn’t let her see how deeply she affected him. “I admit, I could have handled it better, but after seeing your behavior with your ex, I was afraid you wouldn’t be very… reasonable.”
Her head jerked back as if she’d been slapped. “You think I would, what, burn your stuff? You should know me better than that.”
“That’s just the thing,” Jon said, cutting her off. “We’ve known each other less than a month, and we spent most of that time fucking. I don’t know you very well at all.”
“You know me well enough to introduce me to your parents,” she rebutted.
“That was poor judgment on my part,” Jon drawled. “Had I known it would mean so much to you, I would have left you at home.”
Patricia’s voice quavered. “That was a really asshole thing to say. Why are you doing this? Why are you being so cruel?”
It took everything not to reach out to her, but somehow, Jon managed. He held himself rigidly, his fingers biting into his own skin as he fought to keep his distance. In the end, she would thank him for letting her go.
“I’m not being cruel,” Jon told her. “I’m doing you a kindness.”
“How can you even say that?”
“Because you don’t know my past. In a few years, when you’re married and have little ones hanging on your ankles, you’ll be glad to have been rid of me. It’s best to end this now, before anyone gets hurt.”
“You’re hurting me now,” she croaked. A loan tear escaped, and she swiped it away angrily.
“That’s not my intention.” Every moment he stood there, watching her pain grow, Jon’s resolve not to go to her lessened. He needed to get this over quickly before he did something stupid, like kiss her.
“Well, you’re failing miserably,” she snapped back.
“I know.”
Suddenly, Patricia looked tired. “Tell me what happened yesterday. Can you do that at least?”
“Nothing happened yesterday except that I realized that this thing”—he motioned between them—“isn’t going to work.”
“But why,” she asked, pleading for answers. “Everything was going so well before those people showed up. Who were they, and why were they so mad at you?”
The last thing Jon wanted to do was rehash history. He’d done enough of that in the last twelve hours to last him a lifetime. Shoving off the frame, Jon took a step back and grabbed for the door. “I’m sorry I hurt you, Patricia, but we’re done here.”
When he tried to close the door, she jumped forward, slamming her palm against it and at the same time inserting her foot in the opening. “No, Jon, we are far from done. You owe me an answer.” Her light eyes held his in defiance. “I’m not leaving until you tell me why, so if you really want me to go, you had better start talking.”
Jon sighed heavily knowing his only chance to chase her off was to tell her everything. Opening the door wide, he filled the opening, and braced himself for the look on her face when he told her the truth. “Those people were Nora’s parents. Nora was my girlfriend.”
“And I gather from all the past tense references that she’s…”
“Dead,” Jon finished for her.
Patti nodded as if she’d already figured that part out. Jon continued, his thoughts traveling down that dark road once more.
“It was about five years ago that it happened. We’d been dating since high school, both heading into our second year of college, and we were totally in love. I was convinced she was the one, so I bought her a ring. It was just a gold band, nothing special, but to us it was everything.” He inhaled deeply, bracing himself for the hard parts to come. Thankfully, Patricia stayed silent, because he knew he wouldn’t be able to go on if he didn’t get it all out now.
“The night she agreed to marry me, we decided to celebrate. We dressed up and I took her out to a nice dinner, but Nora wasn’t your average girl. She was a tomboy who liked fast cars and cheap thrills. She was the perfect fit for me. No, don’t,” Jon said, stepping back when Patricia reached out to touch him. He couldn’t allow it, not now. He didn’t want her contaminated by him.
She didn’t push the issue, just resumed her quiet stance on his front stoop, and watched him with sadness blanketing her face.
“To celebrate, we got all our closest friends together and went up to the track. It was on the outskirts of this old farm we’d found years before, hidden from the main road by an enormous pole barn and about an acre of mile high weeds.
“Nora loved the races. Sometimes I think she loved them more than I did.” He smiled at the memory of her shouting her head off, jumping up and down as they watched the cars speed around the loop, kicking up clouds of dirt everywhere.
“Whenever I raced, she rode shotgun and she always screamed for me to go faster. That night wasn’t any different, except that soon we would be tied together by more than just a promise. But I got careless that night. One of the guys had just bought a new car, and he’d put a lot of time in under the hood, but he couldn’t drive for shit. We thought it was a done deal, an easy win.” Jon met her eyes and grimaced. “We were cocky about it.”
That was the one thing he knew never to do was get cocky about a race, because that was when you made mistakes. Patricia knew it, too. He could see it in her eyes.
“We were right. On the first and second lap, we left the guy in the dust. He could barely control his car. I guess he wasn’t used to handling it on anything other than hard concrete. But at some point, he started getting the hang of it, and I decided to toy with him a little, give him false hope. So, I slowed down a bit, let him get his nose in front of mine, knowing I had already won. But then in the last stretch, I remember thinking it was time to get serious. I floored it, and so did he. Even though he had a handle on the terrain, he still didn’t have enough experience to account for everything, and as we came around the last bend, he didn’t drift when he was supposed to. Instead, he tried to punch it, and he ended up losing control.”
Jon could still smell the stench of gasoline spilling on to the ground. He could hear the shriek of protesting metal, of Nora screaming hysterically. The curious thing was, even though he’d shattered one of his legs and broken several bones in the other, he never felt any pain.
“Oh, baby.” Patricia was suddenly there, and wrapping him in her arms, while making soft shushing sounds. Jon hadn’t even realized he’d started crying.
It felt so good to have her hold him. He didn’t pull away like he knew he should. Instead, he wrapped his arms around her shoulders and rested his cheek against the top of her head.
“I woke up in the hospital a few days later with a concussion, half of my body was in a cast and I was hooked up to all kinds of wires and tubes,” he went on, seeing every memory before him as fresh as the day it happened. “My parents told me what happened, that Nora didn’t make it.”
Patricia pressed closer, tightening her hold around his waist. “I’m so sorry, Jon,” she sniffed. “What about the other driver?”
“He lived, but the swelling on his brain was bad enough that he isn’t the same anymore. I got lucky. All I had to do was relearn the basics and I walked out of there with a clean bill of health. After that, I decided to do what Nora and I had always talked about: open a publishing company. She was going to be our first top-selling author,” he said, smiling sadly. “But obviously that never happened.” Standing tall, Jon released Patricia and stepped back.
She wrapped her arms around herself and stared up at him. “So that’s why her parents hate you so much, because they think you took their daughter away from them?”
“They don’t think it, they know it,” Jon returned. “If it hadn’t been for me, she’d still be alive today.”
Fire flashed in her eyes. “You can’t do that, Jon. You can’t take all the blame. It’s like your parents said, it was an accident.”
“An accident that never should have happened,” Jon volleyed back. “I knew the risks and I recognized the warning signs when that kid couldn’t keep his shit together, but rather than stop the race, I chose to take the easy win.” He jabbed his finger into his chest. “It was my fault. I killed her.”
“Then it was her fault, too. She knew all of that, and she didn’t say anything. You said it yourself, Nora liked the cheap thrill.” She tried to come to him, but Jon backed away further, shaking his head.
“I can’t talk to you about this anymore,” he said roughly. “Just please leave.”
Patricia shook her head. “No, Jon. I won’t let you push me away. I won’t let you beat yourself up and shoulder all the blame for something that was never your fault. Your parents said you were stupid kids. I agree. But you’re an adult now, and from the looks of it, I think you’ve paid enough.”
Furious with her rational thoughts and unwilling to process them, Jon grasped the door, holding it open. “I’ll decide when I’ve paid enough.”
“So you’re just going to kick me out?” Patricia asked, bewildered. “After all of that, you’re just going to turn your back on everything so you can sit here and wallow in self-pity?”
Jon’s lips thinned. He’d had enough self-analyzing for one day. “Yes, that is exactly what I plan to do. I’m going to ‘wallow’ all fucking day for the next month, or year, hell, maybe even the rest of my life if I want, and you don’t have a damn thing you can say about it! Now get the fuck out!”
Her bottom lip quivered, but Jon pretended he didn’t see it. All he had to do was get through another minute and it would be over. Patricia drew herself up tall and marched past him. The moment her foot touched the concrete, she spun around and pointed an angry finger at him. “This isn’t over. Not by a long shot. If you think you can toss me out of your life, then you’re sadly mistaken. You made me love you, Jon, and I’m not letting that go just because you decide to throw a tantrum. Got it?”
Jon stared at her, the words ‘You made me love you’ circling his head. He shook his head to dislodge them. “I hear you, Patricia, but you’re wasting your time, because I don’t love you.” With that, he closed the door on her stunned face and waited until he heard the growl of her car speed away.
20
Fed up and angry at the world, Patti floored it. She didn’t care about anything at that moment except feeling the sweet relief of leaving her worries, hurt, and fear trailing in her dust. She jumped lanes, went too fast, and dared anyone to say anything about it.
How could Jon just push her out of his life like that? How could he let his past determine his future? He didn’t even try to fight for them, and she was worth fighting for, dammit!
There was only one person she could rely on, and that was her daddy. The same in death as he was in life, he never rejected her, he never looked at her with pity, he simply listened, and sometimes that’s all a girl needed—unconditional love and undivided attention.
Like there was a magnetic pull on her heart, she knew where she was headed before she even made a conscious decision to go there.
At the speed she was traveling, the cemetery was only a few minutes south, so Patti cranked up her angry girl music and plotted her course to the only man who had ever shown her unconditional love. The only man who had ever proven to be reliable in her life.
Damn Jon. Damn him and all of his baggage.
He should have fought harder. Instead, he would rather close her out and make them both suffer in some misguided attempt at being noble when all he really was, was a fool.
Well screw him. He’d just proved what she’d known all along—she didn’t need a man in her life to be happy. She didn’t need him at all. He was right, it was better that they ended it now, rather than deluding themselves into thinking they could have a happy and fulfilling life together only to regret it later.
Yeah, it was better to get all the hurt feelings out of the way now so she could move on to greener pastures.
Except, Patti didn’t want to move on. She liked where she was at, she liked whom she was with, and she liked every stinking thing about Jon and the future he offered her. Without even realizing it, she’d begun to hope. He’d given her a glimpse into a world where men weren’t all scum who lied and cheated. Okay, so she’d only known him a few weeks, and as foolish as she knew it sounded, she knew Jon wasn’t that type of guy. Like her father, he was one of the good guys who cherished the women in his life, and damn him for making her see that and allowing her to believe that she could have it.
Just...damn him.
Ahead, Patti could see through watery eyes her exit was coming up. Overeager to get to her father so she could unleash some of her frustration, Patti wasn’t paying close enough attention to her surroundings. As the road began to curve, she steered with it, and the moment it straightened out, she jammed on the accelerator, bolting for the exit. For the first time in her life, she wasn’t as careful as she should have been. She didn’t check her mirrors or turn her head to account for blind spots as her father had taught her to do. She just jumped into the lane that would carry her to her destination and because of that, she didn’t see the oversized diesel pick-up until it was too late.
The flash of gold gave her just enough notice to close her eyes and brace for impact.
* * *
Jon stared at the blank television screen, thinking. The way Patricia blew out of there had him worried. He didn’t like the idea of her driving while she was upset. That’s how mistakes were made, and he’d learned the consequences of that far too well to just turn the other cheek.
He must have reached for his phone a dozen times, needing to hear her voice to make sure that she was okay, but each time he felt the weight of it in his hands, it echoed in his heart. He had hurt her and the best thing to do was give her some space, some time to think. Later, he promised himself. Later he would give her a call just to check in, and then he wouldn’t bother her again. He just needed confirmation that the anxious feeling, the feeling building up inside of him like an electrical storm, wasn’t anything to be concerned about.
The only problem was he couldn’t seem to shake the awful feeling that something was wrong.
Restless, Jon waited around at his place until he just couldn’t take it anymore. Dialing her number, he let it ring until it went to voice mail. She was probably avoiding his calls, and that was okay. He expected it. But he left her a message anyway. “I was just calling to make sure you were alright. Call me back so I know you are. I understand if you don’t want to talk to me. Just leave me a message so I know you’re okay.”
He must have left half a dozen messages like that over the next few hours. He kept his phone in his hand the entire time, even when he was in the bathroom, just to make sure he didn’t miss her call. But the phone remained silent.
It was nearing nightfall when Jon had finally had enough and decided that he had to make sure she was okay before he could even hope to get any sleep that night. Dialing her number again, he grabbed his keys and walked out the door. There was still no answer, and when he pulled into her driveway, he noticed that her car wasn’t in the drive.
Stepping out of the truck, he gave the house a visual inspection. Everything appeared locked up tight. Although it wasn’t fully dark yet, it didn’t look like any lights were on inside. It didn’t mean she wasn’t home. The cars might be locked up in the garage. She could be sleeping. Maybe it was egotistical of him, but the thought of her in there, alone, crying, because of him, was too much to bear. He hated even more the idea that she might have gone out and found someone else to share a bed with. He just needed to see her, and then he would leave.
Wondering how many excuses he would make for himself before he actually did leave her alone, Jon strode to the front door and banged his fist against it. He waited several agonizing moments without answer, and then banged his fist again.
He knew she was stubborn, but damn.
When she still didn’t answer, Jon pulled out his phone and tried calling her again. While it rang, he abandoned the door and made his way around the house to the garage. The phone continued to ring. Three more and it would transfer to voice mail.
“Come on,” he growled. “Pick up.”
The garage was the kind with a small strip of windows lining the top panel. Cupping his free hand around his face, Jon peered inside, seeing her Toyota alone inside.
So she wasn’t even home. Great.
Jon sighed, feeling like a dolt. He debated briefly hanging around until she returned, but decided it probably wouldn’t go over well for her to find him there. She’d likely still be pissed at him, and he would likely try to get her back. It was a bad idea all the way around.
He was preparing to leave yet another message when he heard the distinct click of someone picking up on the other end.
“Patricia?” Stopping with his body hanging halfway out of the truck, Jon pressed the phone tighter to his ear.
“Hi, this is Dionne Lawrence. I’m a nurse at County.”
At her introduction, Jon’s stomach dropped to his feet. “Where is Patricia? Why are you answering her phone?”
“Sir,” Dionne said in that smooth, calm tone nurses used to keep people calm. “May I ask what your relationship to Ms. Jacobs is, please?”
“I’m her…” He froze, knowing that if he told her the truth, she wouldn’t tell him anything. He was nothing to Patricia any longer. He didn’t deserve to know what was going on, but he had to know. So he lied. “I’m her husband. Now tell me what’s happened.”
“Sir, I’m afraid your wife has been in an accident.”
That was all Jon needed to hear. In a heartbeat, he was off the phone and racing to get to her.
* * *
“How are we feeling?” The young doctor breezed through the emergency room curtain where Patti had been triaged, with her nose buried in the charts. She smiled brightly as she approached the side of the gurney and began checking over all of her vitals.
Patti tried not to squint when she pulled out a pen light and flashed it in her eyes. “I feel like I’ve been in a car accident,” Patti said, trying to play it cool. In reality, she was pretty shaken up. She’d never been in an accident before. Her father would be disappointed to know that she had allowed her emotions to get her so wound up that she had become a danger to herself and others.
Jotting down a few notes on the pages, the doctor spared her a brief look. “Well, aside from a few minor cuts and bruises, I’d say you were pretty lucky, Ms. Jacobs.”
Patti’s eyes lit up. “Does that mean I can go home?”
“Soon,” the doctor promised. “I’d like to keep you here for a while longer so we can run a few more tests to make sure the baby is okay, and I’d like to run another IV through you, too. In the meantime, I’ll have one of the nurses begin putting your paperwork together.”
Patti hadn’t heard a single word after ‘baby.’ “Excuse me,” she said in a strangled whisper.
“Yes?” The doctor paused with a frown on her face. “Do you have a question?”
“Uh, yeah.” Patti could feel the hysterical laughter building in her chest. “I think you might want to double-check your paperwork. There’s no way I’m pregnant.”
The doctor’s frown deepened. She opened the chart again and looked it over. “There’s no mistake. When the paramedics brought you in, your blood was drawn and sent to the lab. You tested negative for any communicable diseases or foreign substances and, although your hCG levels were a little low, you tested positive on the pregnancy test. But that’s perfectly normal this early on. I expect once you’ve made an appointment with your OB/GYN, they’ll be right where they should be.”
Patti was shaking her head, unable to believe what she was hearing. “This is ridiculous. I can’t be pregnant. We only just started dating,” she said, her voice growing in volume. “He broke up with me and now you’re telling me I’m pregnant? I didn’t sign up to be a single mother!”
Holy Jebus, she was a hopeless, jobless, single mother.
Reality jumped up and slapped her in the face so hard, the dam Patti had worked so hard to keep intact, crumbled. Dropping her head, she covered her face with her hands and let the sobs wrack her.
The doctor approached the side of her bed and placed a cold hand on her shoulder. “I take it this news is unexpected. If you’d like, I can have someone from social services come talk with you. There are some options she can go over with you that you might be interested in.”
Patti jerked her head up and leveled her with a glare. “Like what, abortion? As if I would ever do that to my baby.” She was disgusted that she would even suggest it. Patti wasn’t opposed to abortion. In fact, she believed that a woman had the right to do what she wanted with her body, but when given the choice, she knew without question that it wasn’t something she would ever choose for herself.
The doctor nodded sympathetically. “If you change your mind, let me or one of the nurses know. Until then, I’m going to go get your discharge papers started and put in for an ultrasound to make sure everything is all right in there. If everything checks out, you’ll be out of here in no time.”
She couldn’t wait. “Okay.” Patti dropped back on the bed and released a heavy sigh. What the hell, she was pregnant? She pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes. How could this have happened? She was always so careful and…Her arms fell to her sides like lead weights. And she’d never been careful with Jon.
Combing through her memories of the last month, she couldn’t recall a single time when they’d used any protection. She had birth control pills that she carried around in her purse, but she forgot to take them half the time, which resulted in having to double up more often than not. But with Jon, she had been so busy floating around with her head in the clouds that she hadn’t even gone that far.
What the hell was wrong with her? At that moment, Patti wished she were a toddler again so she could throw herself on the floor and kick and scream. She was so stinking stupid. A complete idiot.
How could she go through twenty-nine years of life without ever having the requisite pregnancy scare, to being pregnant practically overnight by a guy who tossed her out of his life like yesterday’s trash?
Speaking of him. What was she going to tell him? Should she tell him? He made it clear they were done, caput. What would he say if she showed up on his doorstep to tell him that he was going to be a dad?
He’d probably think she was so desperate to have him back that she made the whole thing up.
What a mess she’d weaved for herself.
Covering her stomach with her hands, she marveled at the tiny life growing inside of her. She and Jon had made a completely new person. A little being that was half him and half her. Would it be a boy or a girl? Whom would it look like? She hoped it looked like Jon, all dark hair and shining blue eyes. It hit her then. She was going to have Jon’s baby. Holy shit. She was going to be a mother.
Shame washed over her. She could have been killed tonight. She could have killed their baby. Her mother was right—she was reckless. No wonder Jon needed her out of his life. She was probably a huge reminder of his past, of thrill-chasing Nora who loved her fast cars more than she loved her life.
But that wasn’t true for Patti. Not anymore. Not now that she had someone who needed her. It was a wake-up call if ever see needed one. It was time for her to stop living in the past. She needed to let it go before it destroyed her, because she wasn’t about to do anything to jeopardize the gift she had been given.
She knew what she had to do now, and she couldn’t wait to get out of there so she could tell Jon. She had so many things she wanted to tell him, that she wasn’t even sure where to start. But she wanted him to be happy, and she thought she knew just the way to make it happen.
Speak of the devil.
Patti looked up at the sound of heavy feet clomping toward her. Then the curtains whipped back and Jon stepped in looking like hell on wheels with his hair disheveled and his eyes wild.
Her blood rushed hot at the sight of him, and Patti smiled. She was so glad to see him. “Hi.”
Jon made no move to come closer, and the way he stared at her, his jaw set hard and the cold look in his eyes, set off her internal warning bells. Patti braced herself.
She had a feeling things were about to get ugly.
