Текст книги "Lighter"

Автор книги: Gia Riley

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Текущая страница: 15 (всего у книги 19 страниц)

AFTER OVERHEARING SOPHIE’S CONVERSATION WITH my sister, I realized that by giving her space in the bedroom, I wasn’t helping her recovery. Instead, I made her feel unwanted and insignificant—two things that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Instead of being upset with her for not coming to me with her worries about our relationship, I was proud of her for talking it through instead of letting it eat her alive.

But the moment Sophie ended the call, I went to the basement and rounded up some of my camping gear. It took a lot of energy to haul it all up into a tree, but I owed her romance and several weeks’ worth of sexual attention.

After blowing up the air mattress, unfolding two sleeping bags, and replacing the batteries in the lantern, the space was looking a lot cozier. I even hung a few of the gaudy campsite bulbs around the ceiling and plugged them into the lantern jack. In all of twenty minutes, I transformed the space into our very own love shack.

As I sit here in her car watching nervously as she climbs up the side of the old oak tree, I’m only able to relax once she’s safely inside. I told her five minutes, but I wait almost fifteen before jogging to meet my girl.

The climb is easier the second time around, especially with both hands free. I expect Sophie to be waiting for me under the warmth of the sleeping bags, but as I lift my body onto the platform, I get the opposite. My beautiful Sophie is completely naked, lying on her side with her silky blond curls draped over her shoulder. All of this was supposed to be for her, but she’s the one giving me the gift.

“Shit, baby. You look incredible.” I stand gawking, ready to blow my load before I even touch her. She crooks her index finger, inviting me closer. Afraid to blink for fear she’ll disappear, I shuffle over to the mattress.

“You’re overdressed, Kipton.”

This confident side of her is so damn hot. “Beautiful, this was all for you. I’m supposed to be seducing you tonight.”

I have to touch her, so I bend down on my knees to taste her lips. She holds the back of my head in her hand, determined to set the pace. Her kisses taste like cherries, most likely from one of her Jolly Ranchers she’s always sucking on. I’d be satisfied kissing her like this all night, but I’m eager to give her more.

Hurriedly, I strip my clothes off, tossing them on the floor in a heap. I climb on all fours next to her before sliding under the sleeping bag, covering the both of us. Sophie cuddles close before climbing on top of me, her body so soft against my skin. Before I touch her anywhere else, I have to kiss her again. Greedy for her lips, I nibble and bite my way through the seam of her lips—our tongues mingling the moment they touch. I’m hungry for more as I knead her naked ass in my hands. She lets out a sultry moan, tipping her head back in pleasure. Damn, she looks amazing.

Placing soft kisses on my chest, then my stomach, she’s inching lower with each peck. I don’t want her want to stop. Her mouth feels too good and when she uses her tongue to trace over the hard ridges of my abs, I fight to regain control. “Sophie, wait.”

Her head pops up and her cheeks redden. Shit, I wasn’t trying to discourage her.

“I’m sorry.” She rolls back onto the air mattress and clutches the sleeping bag. I miss the warmth of her soft curves already.

“No, I didn’t want you to stop.” I have to start thinking with the right head. Sophie tilts her head to the side and creases her forehead in confusion. I’m not making any damn sense.

“What’s going on, Kipton? Isn’t this what you asked for? You said in the car–.”

“No, beautiful. I know what I said in the car, but tonight is supposed to be all about you. You don’t have to do anything, or say anything. It doesn’t matter what you think I want. I did this for you—let me make you feel good.” She still looks uncertain. “What’s wrong?”

She swallows and licks her cherry stained lips. “Nobody’s ever done anything like this for me, especially without expecting something in return.”

“It’s all you, Sophie. Now are you ready to be wow’d?”

She giggles and her eyes light up. Finally she says, “Wow me, Kipton.”

I end up doing just that, several times, until we’re both so exhausted it’s too much effort to move inside the house. Instead, we cuddle up under the moonlight in our own little world away from the chaos of college life. We’re safe, satisfied, and complete.

“Thank you.”

“Baby, you don’t have to thank me for loving you. And you’ll never have to question how attracted I am to you again. I won’t let you forget this time.”

It’s never been this intense after sex. As long as I got off, I was happy. In fact, before Sophie, I’d be dressed and on my second drink by now. What she and I share is different, insanely different. But I crave it.

She holds tight to my hand, her body slightly trembling. Assuming it’s from the mixture of sweat and the chill of the night air, I pull her closer to my body. “I love you, Kipton,” she whispers against my chest.

For a minute I think I imagined it, but after her body tenses up, waiting for my response, I know it was real. “God, beautiful. I love you too.” If possible, I squeeze her even tighter. She has no idea how her words just lassoed my entire heart, pulling tight with no intention of easing up. She’s it for me. She’s fucking it.

“DO YOU TWO LOVE BIRDS have any idea how long it took me to find your asses?”

What the? I wipe the sleep from my eyes and turn my head. Cara’s standing at the end of the mattress tapping the toe of her boot against the wood. “Shhh. You’ll wake Sophie. Why are you even up here?”

“I should ask you two the same thing. I broke two nails climbing up here to make sure you were still alive. Two, Kipton!” She holds out her mangled nails like it’s my fault she’s incapable of climbing a damn tree.

“How did you know we were up here?” Sophie questions. I didn’t realize she was awake. Leaning over, I place a kiss on her forehead. She wraps her arms around my neck and finds my lips.

“Excuse me, can you stop making out and answer me?” We don’t stop. “Guys, come on. That’s gross.” We still don’t stop. Sophie smiles against my mouth and our laughter mingles with our kisses. She’s enjoying this. Finally, Cara kicks the air mattress and jolts us hard enough that we break apart. “Are you done, sucking face?”

“No,” I respond honestly. “Not so fun is it?”

“Ugh. Well I’m ready to go back to the dorm. Let’s move people. And, I apologized about you catching me with Drew.” She claps her hands like Mary Poppins and shushes us.

“Trust me, we hear you.” I’m almost afraid to ask, but I torture myself anyway. “Where did you sleep last night?”

“In your bed with Drew.”

“Oh hell,” I groan. “Did you at least change the sheets?”

“We slept, Kipton. There was no sex. But now I regret that. Especially since you two were in a damn tree all night leaving me stranded. I looked everywhere for you two.”

She’s going to love this. “Can you climb back down without killing yourself so we can get dressed?”

Her eyes widen and her mouth pops open. “You mean. You’re both naked right now? Under there?” She gestures toward the sleeping bag. The only barrier between us.

“Yes.” Sophie rolls on her side and can’t help but laugh at her roommate.

“Oh for the love of god, you two, that’s disgusting. Someone’s gonna get a damn tick. Put some clothes on and hurry up!” She sits back down on the wood floor and eases her way onto the ladder. I don’t hear any noise, so I assume she makes it safely to the bottom. It’s confirmed when I hear the pile of leaves under the tree rustle with each retreating footstep.

We do have to get moving, but I want one last moment alone. She’s going home today for a week and I’m not used to being in separate beds let alone different towns. “Good morning, babe.” I roll on top of her, covering her body entirely with mine.

She peers up at me and smiles. “Morning.”

“Sleep okay?” She nods her head and rubs her fingers over the back of my head. It tickles, but I don’t make her stop. “I’m bummed I have to let you out of here.”

“Can we do this again sometime?” She looks so hopeful I’ll say yes.

“It’s not too rustic?” Most girls wouldn’t last an hour up here.

“No, I like it up here. It feels a million miles away from the rest of the world. Just me and you in our own cocoon.”

I smile. My girl is awesome. “Anytime you want.” I lean over and grab her clothes from the side of the mattress. She sits up and lets me help her dress. The clothes are chilled from the cool morning air and she grabs the blanket for warmth while I get myself dressed.

“Hurry up! I’m cold!” Cara shouts from the ground below us.

“We better hurry, Kipton.” Sophie inches closer to the ladder, inspecting the ground below. “Whoa. It looks higher in the daylight.”

“Oh no you don’t.” I reach out to pull her back toward me wrapping my arms around her middle from behind. “You sure you have to go home today?”

She doesn’t respond. I wait another few seconds, but she doesn’t move either. “Hey.” I spin her around to face me. “What’s wrong?”

She shrugs her shoulders and stares at the wall of the treehouse. “Nervous about going home.” I don’t want her to struggle the entire time she’s away, or to revisit old habits. It would be easy for me to convince her to stay with me, but I know she needs to figure it out on her own. “I’ll be okay.”

I’m not sure if she’s trying to convince me, or herself. “Do you want me to go with you?”

“No. You need time with your family. I’ll be fine. I’m making it a bigger deal than it is. You ready?” She finally takes a breath and scoots over to the ladder. I don’t stop her this time.

“Go slow, okay.” She nods. “Wait. Let me go first so I can help you down.”

We switch places and I keep one hand on her ass the entire way down. For safety of course.

Reluctantly, I walk her to her car. Cara’s thrilled when Sophie unlocks the doors. “About damn time.” She’s being a tough ass, but we both know she loves seeing me with Sophie.

“Why didn’t you just get a ride back with Drew this morning?” I question.

“Because he had to be at the desk at six in the morning and I thought I should find my roommate first.”

“Thanks, Cara,” Sophie says.

I open Sophie’s car door and before she gets inside, I tuck a stray piece of her hair behind her ear. She ducks her head and tries to smooth it out. “I must look awful.”

“You look sexy. I like your freshly fucked look.”

Hitting me in the chest, she can’t help but laugh. “Be good this week.”

“You have nothing to worry about and I’ll call you every day. I’ll probably text you all day too.” I’m so whipped. “And Saturday will be here before you know it. Then, I’ll have you in my bed for a whole week.”

She digs her keys out of her purse and pauses. “I don’t think so.”

“Why not?”

“I can’t sleep in your bed with your parents in the house!”

“You can and you will. It’s not up for discussion.” I pat her butt and urge her inside the car. She goes reluctantly, but wants to argue about it more. “Drive safely; let me know when you leave.”

“Okay.”

I signal for her to roll her window down. She does and as soon as there’s enough room to stick my head inside, I plant one last scorching kiss on her lips. “I love you, beautiful.”

“Love you, too.”

I pray she comes back to me in one piece.

THE PAST HOUR I’VE PACKED and repacked enough times to know I’m procrastinating leaving the dorm. If it wasn’t closing, I’d probably stay another night and drag it out even longer. Cara’s packed and sitting on her suitcase watching me finish up.

“I’m gonna miss you. Home will suck without our nightly chats,” Cara whines.

I give her a hug, wishing I could skip going to my house entirely. But seeing my mom again will

be nice. “It’s just a couple days and then you can show me around your place.” I’m trying to convince myself as much as her. I can do this.

She rests her chin in her hands and pouts some more. “Doubt it. Kipton’s gonna hog you the whole time.”

“I promise you and I can have girl time. I’m sure he has other things on his schedule too.”

“Doubt it,” She repeats solemnly.

“Oh will you stop.” I pick up my suitcase and am thankful I can roll it out of here without breaking my back. “Give me a hug. I have to get on the road.” Cara stands and wraps me up exactly like she did on move in day.

“Bye, hooch.”

Laughing, I return the sentiment. “See ya, slut.”

It’s only after I leave the dorm that I get blasted with more emotion than I know what to do with. This place, this town, finally feels like home. And I have to leave.

In a daze, lost in my own thoughts, I don’t spot the flower on my windshield until I’m next to it. Tucked under one of the wipers is a gorgeous red rose. I bring it to my nose, inhaling its aroma. I lay it next to me on the passenger seat before stuffing my bags into the trunk. While I warm up the car, I type a note to Kipton. I’d call, but I’ll probably cry if I do.

Sophie: Thank you for the flower.

Kipton: You’re welcome. Leaving?

Sophie: Yeah.

Kipton: Be careful. Take breaks. I don’t like you driving so far all alone.

Sophie: I promise I’ll stop when I need to.

Kipton: Okay. Call me when you can.

Sophie: I will. Love you.

Kipton: That’s never going to get old. Love you too, beautiful.

After a quick stop for gas and another for lunch, the five hour drive back home takes closer to six. I’d gladly drive another couple hours if it meant I could put off going inside a little while longer. But as I pull up outside the brick two story home that’s still over-flowing with memories I’d like to forget ever existed, I know it’s now or never.

I can still see the crack in the pane of my bedroom window that was never fixed. If I move the dresser a few inches to the right, I’ll also find a hole in the wall from a thrown textbook. If only it was that easy to camouflage the emotional cracks and holes I’ve collected within my mind the last twenty years.

Mom’s still at work, so I head inside, unsure of how I’ll feel once I’m on the other side of the front door.

It’s open which surprises me. I slowly enter, nervous about what I may find considering mom’s car isn’t here.

“W-what are you doing here?”

“I should ask you the same thing. I’ll be discussing it with your mom. She’s meeting me for dinner tonight.”

“Oh. You still have a key?” I don’t like that my mom hasn’t changed the locks after he moved out. That’s the first thing she should have done.

He has the audacity to laugh at me, but I’m supposed to be in here, not him. “Of course I have a key. She might have wanted to divorce me, but she never stopped loving me.”

“She did divorce you.” I step forward and move toward the kitchen.

“That’s what she wanted you to believe at the time. But she never showed up in court; couldn’t convince herself to sign away our marriage once and for all. I can’t say I blame her.” He opens the fridge and helps himself to a beer. That hasn’t changed.

I brace myself against the kitchen table for support. He has to be bluffing. “No, she wouldn’t do that.”

“She did. I’m still as much her husband as I am your father. At least according to the records.”

“That can’t be. She wouldn’t lie to me. She’s all I have.” My arms start to shake under my weight. I stand up tall, not letting him see my fear.

“Don’t go getting all dramatic. Did you really expect her to sit in this empty house all alone once you were gone? The day you drove away was the day she got her life back.” He walks over to the drawer and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.

“I never expected her to stay single, but I also never wanted her to end up with you again either.” Why would she go back to him?

“Don’t you see, Sophie. It was you all along. You were the problem. You are the problem. Now, I have her back and if you don’t like it, you can stay elsewhere. In fact, that might be a better idea regardless. Who knows what bullshit you’ll try to fill her head with this time.”

I shake my head back and forth. He’s talking nonsense. He has to be. This is my mom we’re talking about. The only parent who has ever shown me an ounce of love.

“Do you live here again too?” I question. I don’t know why I ask. Each response just upsets me more than the last.

“Not officially, no. But I’m here enough.”

I shouldn’t say it, but I risk it anyway. That’s how much I hate this man. “Do you still cheat on her too?”

He sets his beer on the edge of the counter and rests his right leg over his left. Crossing his arms, he narrows his eyes at me. I blink once, but not a second time. “That’s none of your damn business. She gives me the attention I need now that you’re not sucking the life out of her. She’s the woman she was before you were born.”

There’s no way I can stay here if he is. I walk by him, dragging my suitcase along with me. I don’t trust leaving it in his presence. Thumping up each stair, I’m thankful my room looks untouched. Mom still has the things I moved from the apartment arranged like they’ve been here all along. Tracing my finger over some of the dust left sitting on the desk top, the air feels filthy with him being here.

Digging around in my closet, I pull out anything that has meaning or value. Filling up a few more duffle bags, I lay them next to my luggage. Everything else they can keep.

One last trip into my closet is all I can handle before the memories threaten to eat me alive. Just looking at the darkness inside has me wanting to throw up. I spent so much of my childhood hiding inside, I’m not sure I’ve ever fully escaped. Before I can give in to the temptation, my mom comes home.

Spying, I lean over the railing in the hallway, trying to hear the bullshit their spewing to one another. “Dean. No. I told you to stay away this week. It’s just one week. Then, she’s back at school.”

He mumbles something, but I can’t make out the words.

“I miss her, and I want this week to reconnect. I’ve barely spoken to her since August. I even took off from work.” I hear a bottle being tossed into the recycling bin. That’s a sound I used to fall asleep to night after night.

“Dean, please. I love you. I love you both. Please don’t make me chose you over my daughter.”

She loves him?

I can finally hear him speak. “I already know you’d pick her. You always do,” he shouts.

After all he’s done to the both of us, she actually loves him? It’s too much. This is all too fucking twisted.

I load up my right arm with the duffle bags and pull my heavy suitcase with the left. It fights me down each step, twisting from side to side. When the strain on my wrist becomes too much, I let it tumble to the bottom ahead of me.

“Sophie, where are you going?” Mom rushes over, inspecting me.

“I can’t stay here. Not with him and not with you. How could you lie to me Mom? How?” I shout.

“I’m so sorry, Sophie. I wish I was stronger. I do. But I’ve been so lonely. I’m sorry.” She cries into her hands, aware of how her decisions have destroyed our relationship.

“Let her go, Victoria.”

“Dean, I need her,” Mom begs. “She’s my only daughter.”

“You two can have each other.” I turn to leave, but my pride gets the best of me. Another question I’ve always wanted to know the answer to, yet never had the courage to ask comes flying out of my mouth with little warning. “Why do you hate me so much?” I ask him.

“It’s not a matter of hate. I just never believed you were mine. Eventually I found out the truth. You may think I was the only one who cheated, Sophie. But your Mother wasn’t faithful either. You’re the proof.”

“Dean!” Mom cries. “Why would you tell her that?”

“Don’t yell at me, woman. Tell Sophie how she got that scholarship. Enlighten her. Maybe then she’ll stop only hating me.”

“Mom?” I question. “What’s he talking about?”

She sobs harder. “Sophie. You weren’t ever supposed to find out. Dean, how could you!”

“Tell me!” I shout. She flinches from the bite of my words and falls onto the floor.

“Coach, Coach Evans is your Father, Sophie. I couldn’t risk my marriage so I begged him to stay away. But it failed anyway. I failed.”

“My Father?” I question in disbelief. Coach Evans is my father.

She can’t get her words out and nods her head instead. I have to sit down. Instead of pulling out a chair at the table, I sit on the floor where I’m standing. My thoughts are running a mile a minute and I remember the scholarship he just brought up.

“H-How did I end up with the scholarship, Mom? Did you bribe him?”

“No, honey. No. You earned it. He’s wanted you since you were a freshman, but I wouldn’t let him take you from me. I was so scared it was about more than just the team, Sophie.” She hiccups and struggles to get her words out. Reality crashing down hard on her, but even harder on me. “Gymnastics was my dream once, too. Just like Adam—Coach Evans. We were working together at the gym here in town and made a mistake one night after we closed up. It was just that one time, but I got pregnant. He wanted more from me, but I was already married to Dean.

Regardless of the facts, Sophie, I never regretted you. I didn’t. But Dean was already suspicious of the two of us. Once I quit my job and didn’t see Adam every day, I thought it would get better with Dean, but it didn’t. He always knew without me having to say a word. Everything was confirmed when Adam came to see you and I wouldn’t let him. Things got so ugly between the three of us, and you didn’t deserve a life like that. I’m so sorry, honey.”

“You did this. All these years I’ve hated myself because of him, Mom. You could have stopped him and you never did. You let me live a life I hated.”

“I was wrong. I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry,” she pleads. But her apologizes are too late. The damage has been done.

“I hate you so much.” There’s so much more I want to say to her—things she deserves to hear from me, but I can’t. Instead, I storm out of the house, tears streaming down my cheeks. Unsure of what to do or where to go, I drive. I make it just outside of town before my emotions strangle me and I have to pull over. Climbing over the passenger seat, I stumble to the ground. My knee is bloody from the fall, but I don’t have time to pay attention to it. Without any coaxing, I throw up along the side of the busy roadway. Not giving a damn who sees me as I painfully gasp for air. Each breath I take hurts, but I welcome it. I understand it. Something I’ll never be able to say about my mom’s confessions.

Propped up against my dirty car tire, my ass on the asphalt, I sob. Unable to get up, I let the blood dry on my skin where some loose gravel has imbedded itself underneath my skin. I should clean it up, but I don’t even feel the pain.

Numb. Completely numb.

I’ve never loved my dad, yet I mourn the loss of the only father figure I’ve ever known. He may have treated me like shit all my life, but after learning the reasons why he hated me, it makes me appreciate having never known the truth. Maybe he didn’t hate me as much as he hated the reminder of what I represented—a wife who strayed, who cheated. “He should have fucking left us,” I yell into the open air. There’s nobody around to hear me, yet it feels like the right thing to do. I beg someone to hear me—to understand the pain inside of me.

Coach Evans is my dad. No matter how many times I remind myself, it doesn’t make it any easier to comprehend. I’ve spent over three months both fearing and trying to impress my own father. Every decent part of the miserable life I’ve lived has been a lie. I fucking hate my mom and what she did to me. And I fucking hate gymnastics. It’s dead to me. The both of them.

I’m not sure how long I sit on the filthy ground before I drag my tired body back inside the car.

I can barely see out my swollen eyes, but I drive toward school, unsure of what to do next. I can’t get into my dorm over break and I have no money. The little bit I have won’t feed me let alone be enough to afford a place to stay.

There’s absolutely no way I want my mom’s money, but I stop at the next bank anyway to use the ATM. Withdrawing enough money to stay at a hotel for a few days, I don’t even feel guilty. It’s the least she can do after the bomb they dropped on me. I’ll consider it a parting gift. An I wish I was never your daughter gift.

As I finish tucking the cash into my pocket, my phone chimes again. I’m surprised I have five waiting texts from Kipton and only one from my mom. Her’s doesn’t beg me to return—instead encouraging me to be safe wherever I end up. Like she gives a shit. I finish reading her text as another comes through. One last attempt to convince me how sorry she is. So am I, mom. I’m sorry I was ever born.

I respond quickly to Kipton, never letting him know I’m in the middle of a crisis. Instead, I tell him I made it safely and plan on spending the rest of the night with my mom. Refusing to ruin his time off with my shitty home life, it’s the only way I can justify the lie. He deserves so much better than me.

The first hotel I find is too expensive, but I eventually come across one about an hour away from school that fits my budget. I wanted to drive further south before having to stop, but I’m too tired. It’s dark and I’ve already spent most of the day on the road.

Once I check in, the first thing I do is raid the vending machine. I only have enough quarters and ones to buy some water, two packs of crackers, and a pack of candy. It’ll have to hold me awhile, not that I have much of an appetite anyway.

Going through the motions of a shower, I rest under the hot spray of water. Each drop that hits me washes away a little of the hope I’ve been gathering the past few weeks. Hope that my life was finally headed in the right direction, to a place that would bring me happiness in a world I didn’t fear at every turn.

I’m cold when I pull the shower curtain open and stare at my pale skin in the mirror. From the outside I look like every other girl on campus—normal. But inside, that’s where the hatred resides. Glancing at the toilet, I want to give in again, but there’s nothing left to give.

Caged in by my thoughts, I turn on the TV, the noise helping the silence from being too overwhelming. The pajamas I dig out are wrinkled and thin, the blankets are scratchy, and the bed a little lumpy. But at least I have a bed to sleep in and a roof over my head.

I try to rest, but their confessions replay over and over in my mind. The weight of the truth is more powerful than any lie they’ve told me over the years. Not wanting to spiral completely out of control, I rifle through my suitcase for my journal. As fast as the words come to me, I jot them down.

I’m nothing. Lies. All lies. He never loved me. I’m not his. She lied. Cheaters. Lies. I’m a mistake. They never wanted me. Lies. He’s not my father. They didn’t want me. They don’t want me. They never wanted me. He knows I’m his. He doesn’t want me.

Tears begin mixing with the black ink leaving blotches on the pages. After writing the same variations of words over and over, I don’t feel any better. Instead of continuing, I launch the pen at the wall, followed shortly after by the journal. I curse my therapist for her worthless advice. It’s the first time my emotions have been too strong to finish an entry and it scares me.

Frantically chewing on my thumbnail, the world closes in around me. Experiencing a full blown panic attack, my tunnel vision competes with my rapidly beating heart. I try counting out loud to keep from passing out, even smacking my cheeks to stay present. Nothing works. Instead, I lie in the center of my bed, face down until my body stops shaking. It could be minutes, although it seems more like hours until I settle down. Teeth still chattering, I stretch my arms and legs, releasing the locked muscles. My body as equally exhausted as my mind, I fall into a restless sleep, waking often. Each time I open my eyes I pray I’m in Kipton’s bed, safe and sound. But I’m disappointed when the grungy hotel walls taunt me instead.

I’ll survive today, but I don’t want to do this again tomorrow.

Alone.