Текст книги "I Love Him, I Love Him Not "

Автор книги: Ella Martin

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Текущая страница: 8 (всего у книги 16 страниц)

Chapter Nineteen

As the late afternoon became evening and guests began leaving the house, I grew more restless and uneasy. It was simple enough to hide away in the family room while my friends were visiting, but after they’d left, I was subjected to pitiful glances and well-meaning but hollow words from people I’d never met before and would probably never see again. I’d lost count of the number of times someone either burst into tears telling me how sorry they were or said my dad talked about me all the time. Their words and actions were so predictable it was almost laughable. It was as though they were playing a round of What to Say to Someone Who’d Just Lost a Parent.

By the time the bulk of the people had left, I was worn out. Keeping up the appearance of the grieving daughter was exhausting and left me emotionally drained. My mom was in even worse shape, though, because she knew everyone. I wondered how it made Dr. Griffin feel, listening to my dad’s old friends talk about my father like he’d been this great, amazing guy. And maybe he had been at some point. But I’d gotten used to his absence, and it was hard for me to be sentimental over a man I didn’t know anymore.

Pete and his parents were the last to leave.

“Email me if you need anything, okay?” he said as he donned his black sport coat.

I nodded. “Will do. I hope your flight isn’t too terrible.”

“It’s direct,” he said, “and the weather’s actually good for once. I mean, for Chicago in January.”

We laughed, and he gave me a sad smile before wrapping his arms around me in a tight squeeze. “Be good,” he said as he released me.

“What’s the fun in that?”

“And be nice to Jake.”

I snorted. “I’m always nice to him.”

Pete’s mouth twitched, and he gave me a rather cryptic look. “Good. Keep it that way.” He gave me another hug and said, low enough so only I could hear, “People like Jake don’t show up very often.”

He dashed out the door before I could respond or ask him what he meant, so I busied myself with good-byes to my aunt and uncle.

I was sad to see Pete go, but it was also a relief because it meant the ordeal was over. Life could finally get back to some semblance of normalcy.

After locking the front door, I went in search of my mom. She was sitting on a couch in the family room, her feet propped up on an ottoman. I couldn’t remember ever seeing her look so spent. Dr. Griffin was in a nearby chair, hunched over with his elbows on his knees. He looked tired, too.

“How’re you holding up?” Her voice was hoarse, probably from talking most of the day.

“I wish people would stop asking me that,” I said. Her face fell, and guilt poked me in the chest. “Sorry,” I mumbled. “I’m fine.”

She offered a sad smile and patted the cushion beside her. I sat down but stayed on the edge of the seat.

“I’m glad your friends could make it this afternoon,” Dr. Griffin said, “even if it was just for a couple of hours.”

“Me, too.”

An uneasy silence filled the room. No one spoke for a while.

“Well, it’s done now,” my mom said, a slight quiver in her voice. Her bottom lip started to tremble, and tears fell down her cheeks faster than she could wipe them away.

I looked to my stepfather for some guidance. He reached for her hand and spoke quietly. “Would you like to lie down?” She nodded and sniffled into the soggy tissue in her other hand. He helped her to her feet and put his arm around her. “Talia, would you be okay ordering a pizza or something for dinner?”

That was my chance to escape, if only for a few hours. I cleared my throat. “I can go out, if that’s cool with you guys. Maybe go to Jake’s or something?” Mom hung her head, and I felt that pang of guilt again. I pushed it away. She may have needed to rest, but I needed to get out of the house.

She looked up at Dr. Griffin before she nodded again. “Just be home by ten.”

I watched them head toward the stairs before I pulled out my phone and texted Jake.

Still cool to come over?

A reply popped up almost immediately. I am currently driving but will reply to your message when I reach my destination.

These texts always made me laugh out loud, partially because they made Jake seem uber responsible and partially because I knew his dad was the one who set it up that way. I mean, my phone sent back automated texts, too, but they didn’t sound so stuffy and formal.

I went upstairs to change out of my black dress, eager to cover my legs with a favorite pair of jeans. I pulled a Westgate spirit shirt from homecoming week over my head and checked my phone while I grabbed a pair of socks. I frowned. There was still no response from Jake. It wasn’t like I was expecting him to text me the second he got to wherever he was going, but I couldn’t get rid of the weird uneasiness I felt. I flopped backward onto my bed and stared at the ceiling.

Maybe I wouldn’t be going out, after all.

The spider I’d seen a week ago was gone, and only dusty cobwebs were in the corner where I’d last seen him. I stood up to grab a tissue and was about to knock them down when my phone rang: “Faithfully” by Journey. I smiled. This was classic Jake. It was only the intro, but I’d listened to him trying to teach himself to play it on Mia’s piano enough to recognize the song in just a few notes.

“One of these days, I’m going to change the codes on my phone and not tell you,” I said when I answered. “I get used to whatever you set up, and then you keep switching it on me.”

His laugh made me smile. It never failed. I could always count on him to make me feel better.

“So, is it still okay? To come over, I mean. Mom’s kind of a mess, and Dr. Griffin….” My voice trailed off with my thoughts as I realized how much my stepfather had really taken care of my mom during this ordeal. He was definitely earning my respect.

“Yeah, no problem,” he replied. “I’ll see you in fifteen?”

His house was closer than that, but I didn’t want to sound overeager or desperate. I ended the call, knocked down the dusty cobwebs in the corner, and went to the bathroom for a quick once-over before I grabbed my jacket and headed out.

Chapter Twenty

I paused at the top of the steps and put my ear to the door. I could hear Jake on his guitar playing an unfamiliar tune. Just as Mia had said when she answered the front door, he was in his rehearsal space and, from the sound of it, working on a new song. He’d play a few notes, stop, and then play them again, changing things a little each time.

The doorknob turned easily, and I entered the apartment unnoticed. He was sitting with his guitar on the small couch in the corner, sheets of staff paper beside him and a pencil tucked behind his ear. I quietly shut the door behind me and leaned against the wall, watching him work.

“Let yourself go,” he sang as he strummed. “I’ll catch you when you fall. Let me stay with you tonight and forever….” He frowned and scribbled something on the paper. His hair fell into his eyes, but he was so focused, he didn’t push it away. There was something about him when he was intently focused on something, like that other night when we were studying, but even more so when he was making music. It was intense watching him play, almost mesmerizing. He was in another world, and I wanted to be part of it.

“New song?” I said.

He jumped to his feet, sending pages cascading to the ground. “Hey! Yeah.” He placed his guitar in a nearby stand and bent down to straighten the paper. “Just something I’ve been working on.” He looked up at me. “How – how long have you been here?”

“Not long. A couple of minutes, maybe.”

His shoulders relaxed, and he set the small stack of sheet music on his drum throne before he rushed over to greet me with a hug. I wrapped my arms around his middle and let myself sink into his warmth.

“Everyone’s gone?” he said when he released me.

I slowly bobbed my head. “And I’m glad. Relieved, really. I mean, you saw them. All those people and I was just like, ugh. Go away already.”

“You’re such an antisocialite.” He grinned, and I felt a smile tug at my mouth.

“No, it’s just….” I sank into the love seat with a heavy sigh. “I don’t know. Like there were all these people – who probably wouldn’t be able to pick me out of a lineup – telling me how sorry they are, and everyone’s treating me like I might break or something. But like, it’s really kind of a nonevent.” I sighed. “I just want to move on already.”

He sat beside me. “I guess most people don’t think death is a nonevent.”

“Dr. Griffin’s been amazing, taking care of my mom and stuff, but he’s constantly watching me, like he’s waiting for me to fall apart or whatever. Like there’s something wrong with me for not being all upset. And then my mom. She’s like this awful, weepy mess.” I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I had no intention of having a total vent spree, but he just nodded and took it in stride.

That was one of the greatest things about Jake. As long as I was with him, I was in a judgment-free zone.

He put his arm around my shoulders, and I rested my head against his chest. I could feel his heart beating through his flannel shirt, a steady rhythm that calmed my own racing pulse until it was in sync with his. The numbness I’d clung to over the past few days slowly began to melt.

“They’re waiting for me to react,” I said, “to feel something. And I know I’m supposed to, but I just don’t know what.”

“Don’t force it.” He reached over and pushed my hair behind my ear. “Just let the feelings come on their own.”

“But what if they don’t? Or worse, what if it’s something I can’t handle?” I looked up at him, and his mouth curved into a small smile.

“You’d be able to,” he assured me. “And I’m always here.”

For some reason, Pete’s words echoed in my head as Jake said that. People like Jake don’t show up very often, my cousin had said. It made me realize how much I needed Jake, whether or not I was ready to admit it. A solitary tear escaped from beneath my lashes, and he wiped it away with his thumb. I shivered.

“Are you okay?”

I couldn’t speak. My heart was racing again. Concern knitted his brow, even as his eyes scanned my face as though he was searching for some sort of unspoken response to his question. The only answer I wanted to give him didn’t make any sense, but I closed my eyes, leaned closer, and kissed him anyway.

And he didn’t pull away.

In fact, his response wasn’t like anything I’d expected. He cupped my cheek with his hand and kissed me back, his mouth moving slowly against mine. I held my breath as his lips caressed my bottom lip with an almost feathery softness. He was tender and gentle, letting me savor each sweet caress. There was no sense of urgency, no insatiable hunger. Jake kissed me like we had an eternity ahead of us.

“Talia,” he whispered.

The sound of my name jerked me back into reality. I pulled away in horror of what I’d just done. This was Jake, the one person I could trust with anything, the person who knew me better than I even knew myself. And I’d kissed him.

Images of my parents fighting in the foyer sprang to mind. All I could see was my mother crying as my father raged at her, and I gasped as I realized I’d just ruined everything.

Love didn’t last. I knew that. And I knew better than to risk everything for a myth. That’s why the adoration in Jake’s eyes was too much to bear. I scrambled to my feet and grabbed my keys. “I have to go.”

“What? Talia, wait!”

I threw open the door and raced down the stairs without a backward glance. “Faithfully” began to play as I climbed into the car, and I silenced my phone before tossing it into the back seat. I gripped the steering wheel tightly, but it did little to keep my hands from shaking.

At least my tears waited until I got to the stop sign at the end of his block before they betrayed me, too.

Chapter Twenty-One

Bianca’s mom probably didn’t know what to think when I showed up unannounced on the doorstep, my eyes red from my recent emotional breakdown, but she ushered me into the house anyway.

I couldn’t remember the last time Bianca had seen me cry. It might’ve been never, since the times we were kids didn’t count. So as I sat on her bed, she watched me with a curious expression as I sniffled into the wad of tissues crumpled in my hand.

She moved her trash can closer to me and offered me another tissue. “I’m going to take a wild guess here and say I don’t think you’re okay.”

I laughed, but it came out sounding like a choked sob.

“You seemed totally fine earlier today.” She sat beside me and crossed her legs into the lotus position. “What happened?”

I took a deep breath to steady my nerves before I blurted, “I kissed Jake.” I covered my mouth as if that would push the words back in.

Her eyes grew wide, and a broad grin stretched across her face. “Really?”

She was a lot less shocked than I’d thought she would be. If anything, she looked…excited.

“No, no,” I said. “It’s all screwed up. Like everything’s all….” I stopped. I didn’t know what was happening. Nothing made sense, and it was making my head and heart and stomach all hurt. I just wanted to crawl into one of those wormholes Finn had told me about in seventh grade. I wanted to get back to that other universe where I didn’t kiss Jake and didn’t see him look at me like I was something special. I wanted everything to be normal.

“It’s all screwed up,” I said again. I blew my nose.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Bianca raised her palms like she was trying to stop an angry goat from charging. “What happened?”

I stared at her. Did she not hear me the first time? “I told you. I kissed Jake.”

She bit her lip as if she was trying to keep from laughing. “Yeah, I got that much. But what happened?”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m not rehashing anything. It’s bad enough it happened the first time.” I bent over so my head was almost touching my knees. “It’s all messed up. This whole thing. It’s a disaster.”

“Okay, let’s back up a second.” Bianca put her arm around me and helped me sit up straight. “What happened when you kissed him? Did he freak out? Did he push you away or—”

“He kissed me back.”

“Well, of course he did,” she said with a sigh.

Was that relief in her voice? I couldn’t tell. I reached for another tissue and blew my nose again.

“You know, Tim was asking about you guys the other day,” she said. “He said he’d bet money that Jake’s been into you for, like, ever.”

That was probably supposed to make me feel better, but it only made the hole in my chest grow bigger. I let out a whimper before I covered my face and hunched over again.

“Wait,” Bianca said. “I’m missing something. How is this a bad thing?”

I sat up straight and scooted back so I could pull my knees up to my chest. I hugged them tightly. “He’s one of my best friends.”

She smiled. “I know. That’s why this is so great.”

“No!” She blinked and leaned away, and I immediately felt bad for snapping at her. “Sorry,” I said, keeping my voice even, “but no. That’s why it’s so bad.”

Bianca chewed on her pinkie nail. “Promise not to get mad?”

“No.”

“I think it would be great if you and Jake ended up together.”

I stared at her, my eyes wide with horror. “What? Why?”

“You do a ton of stuff together, and, I don’t know. It’s like you get each other better than anyone else.” She cocked her head to the side. “Does that make sense?”

“No.”

She looked skeptical. “Really? Because a lot of times, it’s like you trust him more with whatever’s going on with you than you trust Ally or me.”

“I don’t trust Ally with anything.”

“That’s probably a good policy,” she said with a grin. “But even before I started going out with Tim, you’d still go to Jake if you had any problems before you’d come to me.”

I let out a noncommittal grunt and hugged my knees tighter, guilt seeping into my core again because I knew she was right. Jake was easy for me to turn to because I never had to explain anything. He just knew. And I knew he’d never betray my trust.

“Okay, remember when I was going out with Dante and you freaked out about it after Halloween?”

“Yeah, because he slapped you.”

Her cheeks reddened. “Right. And I wasn’t listening to you, and you were being all—”

“Passive-aggressive,” I finished for her. “I know.”

“I was going for something a little harsher,” she said with a smirk, “but I guess that works. Anyway, the thing is, you ran to Jake like it was the most normal thing in the world.”

“Because it is.” I frowned. “Was.” I covered my face with both hands. “It’s just wrong on so many levels. I’ve completely weirdified everything.”

I waited for her to say something, but she remained silent. I peered at her and found her looking at me, like she was waiting for me to explain myself. And I wasn’t sure how it happened, but I started rambling, spewing stuff about stupid fairy tales with their unrealistic happy endings, how relationships were dumb because they never lasted, how love was a stupid myth perpetuated by florists and the diamond industry. And all the while, Bianca sat there, listening to me talk, not saying a word. Even after I’d finished my rant, she just watched me, waiting to make sure I was done.

Finally, she spoke.

“Tim’s graduating in about five months,” Bianca said quietly. “Four and a half, really. I try not to think about it, but it’s always there.”

I bit my lip and lowered my head. She probably understood better than anyone how much of a lie “happily ever after” was. I mean, she was with this great guy who might as well be going to the other side of the world once he left for college, but they were so happy together, it was easy to forget.

“We both know it’s coming, but….” She sighed. “I guess we’re enjoying what we’ve got while we can.”

I wasn’t sure how, but that made my chest ache even more, like a rhinoceros was pressing against it, ready to skewer me onto its horn. I silently took back all the resentment I’d harbored over the amount of time she’d spent with him the past few weeks and promised to be a lot less needy, at least for the rest of the school year.

“Do you—” I stopped to let my brain properly form the question. “Do you think you’d still, I mean, if you guys break up…?” I grimaced and stifled a groan. Why was it so hard to talk all of a sudden? I took a deep breath and tried again. “Dr. Griffin says it’s totally normal for my mom to be this miserable, soggy mess over my dad,” I said. “I don’t get it.”

“I don’t know,” she said. “I guess it makes sense.” She pressed her lips together in a thoughtful frown. “I don’t want to think about Tim and me ever breaking up or anything—”

“Brady would kill him if he ever dumped you.”

“Probably,” she said with a chuckle. “But seriously, if we do ever have to break up, I kind of hope he’ll always care about me. I mean, isn’t that what happens when you really love someone?”

Love.

What did I know about love? It was an intangible concept I didn’t understand, loose and fleeting, like hope or happiness. Love was an abstract. It couldn’t be measured, collected, or taken to the bank. And if Romeo and Juliet was any indication, love caused nothing but misery and grief.

I wanted nothing to do with love.

Love was a waste of time.

Chapter Twenty-Two

It was just after nine o’clock when I trudged up the stairs to my bedroom. I’d driven around for about half an hour after I left Bianca’s house. I didn’t have a destination in mind. I just needed to be alone.

At the top of the steps, I looked to the left at my mom’s closed door. I wondered if she was still crying or if Dr. Griffin had given her something to help her calm down. She may have even been sleeping. I wasn’t sure which I would have preferred, but I wanted to make sure she was okay. I tapped on the door a few times and waited.

“You’re home,” Dr. Griffin said when he opened the door. He was still wearing the same slacks and dress shirt he had on earlier that day. Dark, puffy circles under his eyes made him look older than he was. He was probably exhausted.

“I just got in,” I said, holding up my keys. “Is she okay?”

He nodded. “She’s asleep.”

“Okay.” I started for my room but stopped myself. I needed to say something more. “Thanks,” I said with a small smile, and I meant it. I wouldn’t have known how to deal with my mom acting like this if it was just the two of us, but Dr. Griffin made it look easy.

He stepped into the hall and closed the door behind him. “How are you doing?”

“I don’t know. I guess I’m all right.” It came out sounding more like a question than a statement, but then again, it probably was.

“You don’t sound too convinced.”

I shifted my weight and bit my lower lip as I debated talking to him. Finally, I gestured to the stairs behind me with my thumb. “Do you want to sit down?”

He smiled. “As a therapist or your stepfather?”

My mouth twitched into a grin. “Maybe both?”

He gestured to the stairs and waited for me to sit down before he joined me on the top step. “So what’s on your mind?”

My head was a jumble of thoughts. I had a million questions but didn’t know how to put them into words. I blurted out the first one that sprang to my lips. “Do you still love your first wife?” Then, mortified at the boldness of my question, I covered my mouth with both hands.

Thankfully, Dr. Griffin didn’t seem to mind. In fact, he seemed to grin for about half a second. He stretched out his legs, crossed his ankles, and we sat in silence for a few minutes. I started to wonder if I’d really asked the question.

“Heather died about five years ago,” he said at last.

“Heather?”

“My first wife.”

“Oh.” Whatever I’d expected to hear, that wasn’t it.

“It was sudden cardiac arrest,” he explained. “We had no idea it was coming. I didn’t know anything was wrong until Jessica called me at work to tell me Heather never picked her up from school.”

Five years. I quickly did the math. He’d taken some kind of break right before my second appointment with him, and I’d been reassigned to Dr. Brinkley. That had all been about five years ago. It was probably connected.

“I think about her every day,” he said, “and I miss her every day. And, yes, to answer your question, I still love her. Very much.”

I was confused. “But you love my mom, too, right?”

“Of course! She’s an extraordinary woman.”

“And this is all normal?”

Dr. Griffin was quiet again. It was a simple “yes” or “no” question. I didn’t understand why it required any thought.

He finally spoke. “Love isn’t a zero-sum game, Talia,” he said. “You don’t have a finite amount to give away.” He drew in his knees and rested his forearms on them. “You can love as many people as there are in your life. You love your friends, right?” I nodded, and he added, “And you love your mom.” He leaned over, pushing my shoulder with his. “I hope you love your mom, anyway.”

I smiled. “Yeah.”

“The people you care about leave imprints on your soul,” he continued. “So when you love someone, and I mean really love them, those feelings don’t just suddenly disappear. Ever.” He peered into my face. “Does that make sense?”

I didn’t respond right away. I was trying to process everything he was saying, but I felt like I was still missing a critical piece.

“But what…?” I let out a frustrated sigh. I was still having trouble phrasing simple questions. “How do you know when you love someone?” I managed to say.

Dr. Griffin’s expression was contemplative, and this time, I waited patiently for his response.

“Poets and artists over millennia have tried to answer that question,” he said. “I think the simplest explanation is you know it’s love when you care about someone when they’re at their best or their worst, and you still accept them as they are.”

“Hmm.” I digested his words, trying to think of a time Jake irritated me so much I couldn’t stand him. I just needed to come up with one instance, and that would’ve proved I didn’t love him. Maybe then we could just forget that kiss had ever happened, go back to being friends, and make all the weirdness go away.

Dr. Griffin glanced over his shoulder toward the master bedroom door and said, “This has been understandably difficult for your mom. But I’m glad she and Vince reconciled and were civil at the end, for her sake.” He sighed. “It would be terrible if there was still unresolved business between them.”

I stared at my stepfather, and my thoughts drifted from Jake back to my dad and the last words he’d said to me.

I love you.

He had tried to make up for what he’d done, and I had pushed him away. I hadn’t forgiven him. I behaved like an absolute brat. I wanted nothing to do with him. But he still accepted me as I was. He still loved me.

I focused on a spot on the carpet a few steps down and thought of happier times in the house, before my dad was always angry and yelling at my mom. I remembered a time I’d totally violated Mom’s no-food-upstairs policy and dropped a snack-sized bag of cookies. The crumbs went everywhere, and I was so scared she’d get mad. But when my dad caught me trying to pick up all the crumbs by hand, he laughed and busted out the vacuum to help me clean up my mess. Mom never knew about it.

The memory made my eyes water.

There had been good times with him. I must’ve blocked them out so I could deal with the divorce, but now it was too late.

“My dad loved me,” I said in a voice barely louder than a whisper. “It was the last thing he said to me.” My stomach knotted, and my lungs grew heavy in my chest. I could only manage shallow breaths. “But I was still so mad at him, I didn’t say it back.”

Dr. Griffin put his arm around me and let me sob into his shoulder. And for the second time that day, I was glad he was there.