Текст книги "I Love Him, I Love Him Not "

Автор книги: Ella Martin

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Chapter Nine

The woman was relentless. “Talia, open up,” my mom said between raps on my door. “It’s just me. I promise.”

I didn’t move from my bed. “Is he gone?”

“No, and he’s not going anywhere until you open this door and talk to me.”

I picked up a pillow and held it close to my chest as if it was armor. “No.”

“You’re not making this very easy,” she said, and after my doorknob wriggled for a few seconds as she unlocked it, she stood in an open doorway.

“So much for respecting the Fourth Amendment,” I mumbled.

“Don’t be ridiculous.” She stepped into my room and stood by my bed. “The Fourth Amendment protects you against unlawful search and seizure, neither of which is happening here.”

“Then you’re breaking and entering. Or trespassing.”

She shook her head. “Not in my own house, I’m not.” Then with a raised eyebrow she added, “But good luck finding a judge to hear that case.”

I tightened my grip on the pillow as she sat on my bed, but I didn’t say anything.

“I had to call your dad to let him know Rob and I got married,” she said with a heavy sigh.

“Like, to rub it in?”

I could’ve sworn she smirked, but she said, “No, because it changes the terms of our divorce settlement.”

Divorce settlement. The words made it sound like it was some kind of business transaction, not the aftermath of a familial implosion. But maybe that’s how my mom was able to deal with everything. It was as though she could distance herself better if she thought of it as another contract negotiation.

I waited for her to continue, but she didn’t elaborate. She reached for my hand and held it for a while before she said, “Your dad said he’d like the terms amended so he can spend time with you. Get to know you again.”

“What did you tell him?” I said, pulling away from her grasp.

She held out her hands, palms up. “I said that would be up to you, but I’d mention it.”

“No,” I said. “Absolutely not.”

“Talia, honey—”

“No,” I said again, much more forcefully. She winced, but I ignored it. “I can’t believe you, of all people, could even think about that. After everything he did to you? After everything he put us through?” I stared at her, my mouth agape. “How can you even think I’d consider that?”

Mom’s head bobbed slightly as she took a deep breath and pressed her lips together. I’d seen this look before when she’d talk to her colleagues. She was getting ready to plead her case. I braced myself for her argument.

“He’s been sober for four and a half years.”

“So?”

“So it’s a start. And,” she pressed when I rolled my eyes with contempt, “he said his therapist is pleased with the progress he’s made overcoming his anger issues.”

Anger issues. That was another watered-down phrase that made my dad sound like a victim instead of what he was. He’s not really a bad guy. He’s just got issues.

I remained adamant. “No.”

“Talia, honey, give him a chance. He’s your father.”

“Sperm donor is more like it,” I muttered.

“Talia!”

I covered my eyes and pressed the balls of my hands into my sockets, not relaxing until colored spots flashed in the blackness. I knew what response she was hoping for. I just didn’t understand how she could have expected me to deliver it.

“You used to be close,” she said quietly.

That much was true. I couldn’t deny it. When I was in elementary school, my dad and I used to do everything together. He’d pick me up from school and take me to his restaurant, and I’d watch him make fresh pasta or turn strawberries into edible miniature masterpieces. But that was so long ago, back when Nicoletti’s was a popular dining establishment. That was before his business partner began stealing money from the nightly tills, before the IRS audits and questions of tax evasion, before the downward spiral that led to his self-medicating and transition into an angry, bitter man. That was before…everything.

“We were never close,” I said, wishing the lie was true. If we’d never gotten along, his betrayal wouldn’t have hurt as much.

Mom took my hands and lowered them from my face. “He hurt both of us,” she said, “but I think he’s trying to make amends.”

I glared at her sideways. I didn’t understand why she was trying to be so accommodating to her ex-husband. I couldn’t fathom how she might think I’d want him back in my life.

She squeezed my hands as she got to her feet. “I’m going to give him your cell phone number,” she said, and I bolted upright.

“What?”

“It doesn’t mean you have to answer,” she said, holding up a finger to silence me, “but I’d like to at least give him an opportunity to get to know the young woman you’ve become.”

She started for the door, but I stopped her.

“What else is changing?” I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

“Hmm?”

I pulled my knees to my chest and hugged them. “You said the terms of the divorce settlement are changing. What else are you guys talking about?”

She paused, her brow furrowed as though she was weighing how much she should tell me. “Financial stuff, mostly,” she said at last. “The house was purchased as a joint asset, and as there were no stipulations in our settlement relinquishing his claim to it, he’s entitled to a portion of the proceeds after we divest of it.”

“So you sell the house and he gets some of the money,” I said, translating her words into normal English.

“Basically. We’ve also agreed to terminate spousal support, he’d like to modify child support, and he’s requesting more time with you.”

“Take partial custody and pay less money,” I said. “Got it.”

“That’s not what this is about.” She’d lowered her voice the way she did whenever she was getting frustrated. This was a woman who didn’t lose control.

“Whatever.” She could’ve spun it any way she wanted and thrown as much legalese into it as she wanted, too. It didn’t change anything. Mom got remarried, so he’d stop paying her alimony. He wanted smaller child support payments but would make up for it by spending more time with me.

“And he’s not asking for custody, either.” She drew a breath and said, “I wouldn’t agree to that.”

I processed it all in silence. My mom was almost at the door when I said, “Is it weird for you? Seeing him again?”

There was another pause as she glanced back at me, this time followed by a sad smile. “A little,” she said. I waited for her to explain, but she turned and left my room, closing the door behind her.

I flopped back onto my bed and looked up at the ceiling. The spider web in the corner was more intricate now, but I knew it was just as delicate as before. The spider must have been busy.

The alarm panel in the hall beeped to signify the front door had opened and closed. I crawled out of bed and moved to the window to watch my father get into the gray sedan in front of the garage. Only when he had driven away did I risk leaving the sanctuary of my bedroom. I grabbed my keys and hurried down the stairs.

“I’m going out,” I announced as I swept past my mother and stepfather in the foyer.

“Where are you going?”

“Out.” That was the best answer I could offer. I didn’t know where I was going myself. I reached for the handle and swung open the door.

“Talia!” she called after me when I stepped outside.

“Let her go,” Dr. Griffin said loudly enough for me to hear. “Give her some space. She’ll need some time.”

He and my mom were standing on the front steps when I backed out of the driveway. I didn’t have a destination in mind, but I had to get out of that house and escape the toxicity of my father’s presence.

****

I drove without thinking and found myself in Jake’s subdivision a few minutes later. It was as though my car was on autopilot, guiding me to the one person who understood everything, the one person who never asked for an explanation. I knew he’d made other plans for that afternoon, but even though there was no sense in going to his house, I couldn’t think of anywhere else to go. Bianca’s house would’ve been a safe haven if she hadn’t been stuck watching basketball practice again, but I had no desire to go back to school to rescue her. And as much as I loved Ally like a sister, even if I’d have been able to tear her away from Chicago, she’d been too wrapped up in Allyland lately to spare a thought for someone who wasn’t offering bloggable material.

And my problems were definitely not bloggable material.

I pulled into Jake’s driveway and parked off to the side, careful not to block Mr. DeSantos’s parking spot. The garage door opened as I got out of my car, and Mia, Jake’s younger sister, looked surprised to see me.

“Hey, Talia,” she said. “Jake’s not here.”

“Oh.” I tried to keep my voice light.

“Yeah, you just missed him.” Her long black ponytail swayed as she tossed a small duffel bag into the black SUV. She pirouetted a couple of times and finished with an arabesque before she said, “He left a few minutes ago to go to that girl Clover’s house.”

If I hadn’t been so surprised to hear Clover’s name, I would’ve laughed at the disdainful scorn in Mia’s voice, but I nodded and said, “Okay. Thanks.”

“Mom said he needs to be back before we get home from dance class, though,” she said. “The last time he was there, he said they lost track of time.” She rolled her eyes. “He didn’t come home until almost ten. Mom was so mad.”

This was news to me, but I tried not to let it show. I lifted my shoulder in a half-shrug.

Mrs. DeSantos entered the garage with a white garbage bag in hand and smiled. “Talia, dear, I didn’t know you were coming over today.” She dropped the bag into a large black bin. “Jake’s not home.”

“I already told her that,” said Mia as she climbed into the front seat.

“Did you try calling him?” Mrs. DeSantos offered. “He’s got his phone.”

“I’ll do that,” I said with a small smile. “Thanks.”

She got into her car, and I returned to mine. My phone buzzed in my pocket as I opened the door and climbed inside. I glanced at the photo on the screen before I answered.

“Hey, Ally. Since when did Riley let you guys have your phones during rehearsal?”

“Yeah, like that would ever happen,” she said with a derisive snort. I could picture her lip curling up in a sneer as she said it. “She let most of us go early. Kyle hasn’t nailed the choreography for his solo, and Riley’s just over it.”

I laughed. Kyle Mitchell was a junior and had been cast in the role of Billy Flynn, the male lead. Ally complained about him nonstop, saying he may have had a great singing voice, but he had a major block when it came to choreography.

“Seriously,” she said, “I don’t even know how he got cast as Billy. There’s a lot of dancing, and Kyle’s like, ugh.”

There was no sense responding. I knew she wasn’t done yet.

“So the rest of us did the numbers we could do without him, but Riley ended up keeping him and some of the chorus. I think she’s going to make them stay until he nails everything.” All of that had come out in a rush. She paused to take a breath. “Anyway, are you still at Jake’s?”

Her question startled me until I realized I was almost always at Jake’s house after school. Ally didn’t know about his other plans; she’d probably just assumed we were hanging out as usual.

“I’m leaving now,” I said, not untruthfully. “What’s up?”

“Tajuana Willis offered to give me a ride home, and I’m going to see if I can spring Bianca from watching basketball, too. Do you want to meet up at my house?”

It took me a second to process her words. “Now?”

“Sure. Come on,” she pleaded. “You can help me with my French homework.”

I started my car. “My backpack’s at home.”

“What? Why?”

“Um, long story.” I crossed my fingers and hoped she wouldn’t pry.

“Whatever. Just go get it,” she said with an exasperated sigh. “I’ll see you in fifteen.”

She ended the call before I could tell her it wasn’t that simple, and I took a deep breath before I sent my mom a text.

Need to get my backpack, I wrote. Going to Ally’s right after.

I hoped that would be enough to placate my mother for a while. I didn’t want to spend too much time at home. I didn’t want to talk about my dad.

As I drove back, I braced myself for spending the next few hours with Ally. I didn’t want to talk to her about my dad, either, but I also didn’t want to tell her about Jake hanging out with Clover.

Not until I knew what it meant, anyway. Or why the thought of them together bothered me so much.

Chapter Ten

“All plants and animals fall under each of these eight taxonomic ranks,” my biology teacher lectured the next day. “All plants and animals,” he repeated, “without exception.” Mr. Ellison directed his pointer to the screen behind him. “New discoveries are classified accordingly. It starts very general and becomes more specific as you move from domain to species.” He adjusted his glasses and gave us all a stern look. “And yes, this will be on Thursday’s quiz.”

I ignored the collective groan from the class as I shaded in the last of the eight segments of the triangle I’d copied from the graph on display. It would be available on the school’s network by the end of the day, but I still preferred to sketch out diagrams and timelines during class lectures. When Jake had teased me about it at lunch a few months ago, citing it as an example of how weird I could be, Finn came to my defense and fired off some obscure statistic from an even more obscure source about how writing down information triggers some neurological response that helps with knowledge retention. I didn’t know if any of that was true, but copying that chart kept me from being bored.

Mr. Ellison paced the front of the classroom. “If there’s nothing else you remember about this,” he said, with a backward gesture to the board, “you should know plants and animals only breed at the most base level. At species.” A hand three rows in front of me shot up, and my biology teacher paused. “Yes, Brian?”

I covered my face with the palm of my hand in anticipation of what was to come. Brian Tucker may have been popular and from a wealthy family, but what he had in looks and athletic ability, he lacked in intelligence. There was no telling what was about to come out of his mouth. Worse yet, Mr. Ellison had just said “breed,” and reproduction was the only part of biology of any interest to Brian and his circle of friends.

“So, a tree and a whale can’t make, like, baby treewhales or something, right?” Brian asked.

Mr. Ellison nodded. “Correct. One’s an animal, and the other’s a plant.”

“But, like, fish and animals can get together, right?”

I sat up straight and glanced across the room to see if Jake was alert to witness this exchange. He met my gaze and lifted his hands in a small shrug. I faced forward, my attention focused on the back of Brian’s head.

“I’m not sure I understand,” Mr. Ellison said, his brow knitted together in concentration. “It’s never been proven, I don’t think, but theoretically, I suppose one species of fish could mate with another species, and—”

“No,” Brian interrupted him.

“No? Then I don’t understand.”

Brian breathed heavily, like a dragon about to spit fire. “I mean, it’s like….” He paused. “Well, you know how seahorses happened from a horse getting it on with a fish? Like, how common is that?”

Jake and I exchanged disbelieving glances. The class sat in shocked silence until someone snickered. Then a ripple of laughter spread throughout the room. Even Mr. Ellison had to bite his lip and look away to retain his composure.

“Settle down, everyone,” he said at last. “That’s enough.” To Brian, he added, “We can talk about that after class, if you want.” As if on cue, the bell rang. “We’re in the lab tomorrow, people,” he called out as everyone began the mad dash into the hall. “You’ll need to finish diagramming your squid to study for your quiz.”

“That has to be an act,” Jake said as we left class together. “No one can be that dense.”

“I don’t know.” I pursed my lips as I considered it. “You’d have to be pretty brilliant to fake that. I mean, not even Finn could convincingly pull off something like that.”

“What can’t I pull off?” Finn said from behind us. He put his arms around both Jake and me, effectively separating us.

“Being an idiot,” I said before I shared what Brian asked just moments earlier.

Finn shook his head. “He’s not an idiot. A Neanderthal, maybe, but recent findings have been showing that Neanderthals were actually kind of smart.” I snorted, and he said, “No, seriously. It’s raising more questions on why the entire species—”

“I wasn’t doubting Neanderthal intelligence,” I said. “I just don’t think ‘smart’ is the word I’d use to describe Brian Tucker.”

“I’ve been tutoring him in geometry,” Finn said with a frown. “It took a while, but he understands it now.”

“How much did you have to apply to soccer before he got it?” Jake said with a chuckle.

I smiled. Finn was the highest-scoring player on Westgate’s varsity basketball team, something he attributed to his superior grasp of physics and geometry. It would make sense for him to use that same philosophy to get through to Brian, but I somehow doubted it would be effective in helping him understand biological taxonomies.

As we approached my French class, I shrugged Finn’s arm off my shoulders. “Au revoir,” I said. “I’ll see you guys later.”

“Adieu,” Finn said, bowing his head and tipping an imaginary hat.

“I’ll meet you at your car after school,” Jake said. “You’re still coming over, right?”

“You aren’t hanging out with…anyone else?” Mom would’ve called that a leading question, but I’d been waiting for him to mention something about where he’d been and what he’d been doing the night before. Instead, he just grinned at me.

“Nope,” he said. “I’m all yours.”

They continued on to their class, and as they walked away, I heard Finn say, “So how’d it go last night?”

I couldn’t hear Jake’s response, but I watched him bob his head and could only assume it – whatever “it” was – went well.

And for reasons I couldn’t understand or explain, that didn’t make me very happy at all.

****

Jake put his head down, his forehead and nose touching the tabletop. “Would you please explain the point of this? It’s not like any of it is useful.”

“Finn would freak out if he heard you,” I said, tapping the back of his head with my pen.

He sat up and grinned. “That’s why I don’t tell him stuff like that.”

Jake and I had our things spread out on the dining room table at his house while we studied for our upcoming biology quiz. He still hadn’t mentioned anything all day about the previous afternoon’s secret rendezvous with Clover, and after obsessing most of the day about what they might have been doing, I’d decided it was best if I didn’t ask. I figured he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want me to know, so I feigned ignorance. Dr. Brinkley probably would’ve said I was avoiding the issue, and though that really wasn’t far from the truth, I’d decided some things were just easier to leave unsaid.

“So Mia said you came over last night,” he said.

I glanced up to find him watching me. “Yeah. I, um, forgot you wouldn’t be here.” It would’ve been the perfect time to ask what he’d been doing, to ask about Clover, to find out anything, but I chickened out. “I ended up going to Ally’s,” I said, twirling my pen between my fingers. “Rehearsal got cut short.”

He bobbed his head a couple of times and returned his attention to his laptop. I was relieved he didn’t comment on my unusual forgetfulness, but I was also disappointed he didn’t volunteer information on his own whereabouts.

I lowered my head and tried to focus on my notes. After a few minutes, Jake let out a heavy sigh. “This is a stupid study guide.”

“It has every question that’ll be on the quiz. How is that stupid?”

“Then these are stupid questions.”

I couldn’t argue with that, so I smiled but didn’t say anything.

“Which three phyla are the largest in the kingdom animalia?” Jake read. “How am I supposed to know?”

“He wrote them all out last week,” I said with a pointed stare. “Do you seriously not pay attention?” Jake grumbled, and I pushed my notebook toward him. “Here. I know it’s somewhere in my notes.”

That seemed to cheer him. “Thanks.”

I watched him flip the pages of my notebook and said, “How are you and Finn friends again?”

“Math, physics, and computer science,” he replied without looking up. “Those are the things video games are made of.”

His mom breezed into the room carrying a large tray. Whatever it was, it smelled divine. Garlic, peppers, onions, and, if I wasn’t mistaken, some ginger. My stomach rumbled, a loud demand to be fed. Thankfully, Mrs. DeSantos didn’t acknowledge it and placed the food onto the table between Jake and me.

“That looks amazing,” I said, but that was an understatement. I could finally see what his mom had been cooking in the kitchen since our arrival from school, and my mouth was watering at the sight of the spread. It took everything in me to keep from drooling.

She smiled down at me. “Thanks, Talia.” Mrs. DeSantos pointed at each of the sections. “Garlic shrimp, pork siomai, longaniza, fried tofu, and lumpia.” Jake reached for a toothpick and then the food, but she slapped his hand away. “Guests first, anak,” she said.

He gestured at me with his toothpick. “Her? She’s practically family.”

“Let Talia choose what she wants before you take anything.” She flashed him a dirty look before she left the room.

I reached over and stabbed a piece of sausage with a toothpick and sighed contentedly as I bit into it. After three years of French, I was ill-equipped to read a Filipino menu, but I’d hung out at Jake’s house enough times to know anything out of his mom’s kitchen was heaven on a plate.

“These are my favorite,” Jake said, spearing a couple of shrimp and dipping them in a clear sauce before he popped both into his mouth. “You need to have some.”

I looked closely into the little bowl and studied them. They were shriveled, like they had closed in on themselves, and looked nothing like the grilled prawns I was used to eating. These looked more like little rubber balls.

“You know shrimp are arthropods, right?” I said, pushing them toward him.

“Um, okay.” He popped another into his mouth. “What are arthropods?”

I tilted my head and glared at him. “Arthropods? As in arthropoda? As in the largest phyla in the kingdom animalia?” I leaned forward. “As in you need to know this for Thursday?”

“Fine, fine,” Jake said, spearing another one. “They’re arthropods. Tell me why I should care.”

“Arthropods include beetles and spiders and lobsters and stuff.”

He stopped chewing and looked at me, like he was waiting for me to deliver a punchline. When I didn’t add anything, he swallowed hard and said, “Lobsters are related to beetles?”

I nodded. “Yeah. That’s why Ally won’t eat them.”

“I thought that was because they weren’t kosher.”

“The Katzes don’t keep kosher,” I said with an annoyed shake of my head. “No, she got all wigged out after Freddie told her they were like sea bugs. So she calls them the Roaches of the Ocean.”

“Gross,” he said, frowning at the shrimp before him. “See, this is why we shouldn’t have to study biology. I’ll take chemistry and physics any day.”

I picked up a piece of tofu and said, “It’s almost enough to make you go totally vegan.”

Still peering into the bowl with the garlic shrimp, Jake said, “What do you think would happen if a roach had sex with a lobster, anyway?”

I snorted and was still laughing when Mrs. DeSantos came into the room with Mia in tow. “We’re going to gymnastics,” she announced. “You kids behave.”

Jake waggled his eyebrows at me, but I ignored him. “Will do,” I said. I waved good-bye to his mom and sister and watched as they disappeared into the garage. “Mia will be a freshman next year, right?” I said to Jake.

He closed his eyes and shuddered. “Don’t remind me. She can’t wait to start at Westgate. Says she wants to try out for cheer.” I raised my eyebrows. “I’m going to need to ask Brady for pointers on how to scare everyone away from her,” he said, referring to Bianca’s older brother.

“She’ll be fine.” I took an egg roll and was about to bite into it when my phone chirped beside me. Without glancing at it, I pressed a button to send the call to voice mail.

“Who’s that?” Jake sounded concerned.

I kept my eyes trained on my laptop as I took a bite. “I don’t know,” I said, my mouth full. “Probably my dad.”

That was a lie. I knew it was my dad. He’d texted me the night before, and I’d chosen an annoying chirp as a ringtone for a call from his number.

“Your dad?” Jake tapped my laptop until I looked up at him. “How?”

“It’s…complicated,” I said, growing annoyed as I remembered the real reason I couldn’t tell him as soon as my dad showed up at my house. “You know how Mom got remarried? I guess it means changes to their divorce settlement or whatever.”

“Is this why you came over last night? Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

Why aren’t you telling me about Clover? I wanted to say, but instead I frowned and said, “I’m not exactly super psyched about it.”

“So he’s back.”

“I guess.”

“Why didn’t you answer it?” he pressed. “Don’t you want to know what he wants?”

“Mom says he wants to spend time with me,” I said. “He wants to get to know me again.”

“And you don’t want to.”

“No.”

Jake nodded once and reached across the table to squeeze my hand. My annoyance almost immediately began to melt away. Jake was the only one who knew what really happened when my parents split. Well, not counting my mom and dad, the courts, and Dr. Brinkley. But out of my friends, Jake was the only person I could talk to about it.

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. “He was at my house when I got home yesterday,” I said. “I didn’t talk to him. But Mom gave him my phone number and I’m just….” I let out a heavy sigh.

“Overwhelmed?”

“Kind of.” I frowned. “More like I can’t deal with this.”

He watched me silently before he said, “Maybe you should give him a chance.”

I pulled my hand from his grasp. “Are you crazy? No.” My phone dinged to let me know I had a new voice mail message. As if I’d even listen to it. I flipped it over and pushed it away.

“You can’t run from him forever,” Jake said.

“I’ll face him when I’m ready to.”

He looked at me a few seconds longer before he shook his head and began typing on his laptop.

I watched him as he worked. His brow knitted together in intense concentration, and he had to reach up every so often to push the hair out of his eyes. There was something sort of endearing about it. Sitting in his dining room studying for our biology quiz, Jake seemed almost…cute.

And that realization seriously weirded me out.

“I have to go,” I said, jumping to my feet. I closed my laptop without bothering to shut it down and shoved it into my backpack.

Jake rose from his seat. “Are you sure? I’m not done with your notes.”

“Keep them,” I said while I finished packing my stuff. “You can give them back tomorrow.” I zipped up my backpack.

He didn’t look convinced. “Um, okay.” He helped me with my peacoat and walked me to the door.

We stepped onto the front porch. The sun was just starting to set, turning the clouds pink and orange, slightly tinged with purple. The light cast a gold hue around us, and Jake’s skin looked almost bronze.

“Thanks for letting me hang out,” I said.

“Thanks for ruining shellfish for me.”

“You can blame Mr. Ellison for that.” I unlocked my car and opened the door. “Tell your mom she’s still my favorite cook.”

“I think she likes feeding you. She says no one appreciates her cooking like you do.”

I laughed. “I love your mom.”

He lifted his shoulder and let it drop. “And she loves you.”

I stopped. The way he’d said it almost seemed like there was a hidden meaning behind the words, but then I realized that would’ve made no sense. I was practically family, after all. Jake even said so. I stepped forward to wrap my arms around his middle for a hug. He squeezed me tightly in return.

“Thanks again,” I said, looking up at him.

He released me before he brushed my bangs out of my eyes and smiled.

I don’t know how long we stood like that in his driveway, just inches from each other. It might have been only a few seconds, but it seemed like forever. I licked my lips and held my breath for…something.

“You’re shivering,” he said.

“I am?” The temperature was cool, but I was also wearing a thick coat.

“Turn on your heat when you get the car started,” he said, holding the door for me. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah, okay,” I said, trying to hide my disappointment. I climbed into my car and backed out of the driveway. He was watching me when I looked up, and I waved before I pulled onto his street.

I didn’t know what I’d been expecting after he hugged me; I only knew I didn’t get it.