Текст книги "I Love Him, I Love Him Not "

Автор книги: Ella Martin

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Текущая страница: 14 (всего у книги 16 страниц)

Chapter Thirty-Six

Mom and Dr. Griffin were in the living room when I got home that afternoon. I was surprised to see them both there; Dr. Griffin usually stayed late at the clinic on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and Mom put in longer hours at the office on those days, too. But they were both home, hanging out, while a news story about some military conflict on the other side of the world played on TV.

“Looks like we’re all home early.” I dropped my backpack onto one of the living room chairs and sat in the other one.

My stepfather muted the television set as my mom said, “Hi, honey! How was your day?”

“It was okay.” I kept my gaze low and didn’t make eye contact. Eye contact invited questions, and I didn’t think I could handle any, especially not from two master interrogators.

“Anything exciting going on this weekend?” Dr. Griffin said.

Keep your eyes low, I reminded myself, and I stared at a spot on the couch where the two cushions touched. “Sort of,” I said. “There’s an open mic tomorrow night at that coffee shop on Lakeridge. Ally really wants me to go.”

“At least she’s not moping anymore, right?” That came from Mom.

“I guess.” I toyed with the hem of my skirt. “I think she and Kyle have formed, like, an anti-Hunter club or something. But they’re getting along better as costars, so that’s kind of a good thing.”

The opening notes of “Faithfully” made me jump. I pulled my phone out of my pocket as quickly as I could to ignore the call. Jake would leave a message or text me if it was important. Maybe.

Mom raised an eyebrow. “Who was that?”

“Jake. He takes my phone and gives himself these random ringtones.” I rolled my eyes. “He thinks he’s so funny.”

“I don’t know if I’d say that’s a funny ringtone, exactly,” my stepfather said. “It’s an interesting choice.”

“Not ‘funny’ like ‘ha ha,’” I clarified. “‘Funny’ like ‘clever.’ Like, he usually picks songs I’ve had to listen to him play a bazillionty times.”

“Like what?” he pressed, and I cursed myself for making eye contact.

“I don’t know. Like the Beatles and Cheap Trick? He left ‘What I Like About You’ on my phone for, like, two months just to annoy me.”

Dr. Griffin and my mom glanced at each other, and Mom patted him on the knee. “Rob, honey, would you mind giving us a few minutes? I just want to have a touch base.”

“Sure.” He kissed her on her temple. “Whatever you need.” And with a smile in my direction, he got up and left the room.

Mom and I didn’t say anything for a while. She turned off the TV, and I found an interesting piece of lint on my sweater.

No eye contact. No eye contact. No eye contact.

“Do you want to sit next to me?”

I shook my head. “No, thank you.”

“How’s Jake?” she said. “I haven’t seen him in a while.”

“He’s fine.” Short answers, Talia. Don’t invite questions.

“Is he still dating Malcolm Davies’s daughter?”

I stiffened at that. “Her name’s Clover.”

“Sorry.” A pause. “You don’t seem to like her much.”

I shrugged. It seemed like the safest response.

More silence. I was trying to think of a way to excuse myself without arousing suspicion when Mom said, “You know, I was telling Isabelle the other day how glad I am that Jake’s been there for you to lean on these last couple of years.”

I plucked the lint off my sweater and rolled it into a tiny ball. Don’t look up, I reminded myself.

“Isabelle said she’s equally grateful for you,” she continued. “I guess she and Mike didn’t know how to reach him anymore after Mike’s brother….”

I nodded to let her know she didn’t need to continue. Jake’s uncle was a cop and had been shot and killed in the line of duty not long before the whole mess with my parents splitting up. He and I never sat down and really talked about it in depth or anything, just like I never gave him detailed accounts of my parents’ fights, but we were always there for each other if we needed something. I know Jake’s presence was enough to keep the monsters at bay until I was ready to face them. Maybe I did the same for him.

“You guys have a really special relationship, and I guess I’d just hate to see that all fall apart because you don’t like Clover.”

“I don’t not like her.” I rubbed the lint ball between my fingers. It fell and disappeared into the chair. “I mean, what’s not to like? She’s beautiful, she oozes confidence, her dad’s well connected, and she plays guitar almost as well as that chick in Heart.”

“Nancy Wilson.”

I lifted my head. “Who?”

“‘That chick in Heart,’” my mom repeated with a smile. “Her name’s Nancy Wilson.”

“Oh.”

“This is all probably none of my business,” she said, “but—”

“I think I’m in love with him,” I blurted. I covered my mouth and stared at her in absolute horror. So much for not saying anything that would invite questions.

Mom’s face lit up. “Really?”

“You’re not supposed to be smiling,” I admonished her. “It’s not cool.” I folded my arms across my chest and looked away. “And anyway, you’re my mom, and this is weird, and I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Fair enough,” she said.

I replayed that afternoon’s events in my mind and felt my stomach clench. I closed my eyes. “It’s stupid.”

“Why would you say that?”

It took a moment for me to gather my thoughts, but I finally said, “Because it is. Like, everything I’m feeling right now? I totally did it to myself. Like…like, I know better, you know?”

She shook her head. “I don’t follow.”

“This whole love thing?” I said. “It’s a cruel joke. It’s like we’re set up to feel all happy and everything’s awesome, and then boom! Tim has to go off to college, and Hunter’s with another guy, and Jake….” I swiped at a tear rolling down my cheek, hoping my mom didn’t notice. “Jake makes you listen to a song he wrote about her.” I waited for my mother to say something, but she just sat there, silent and passive. “It’s a joke,” I said again.

Mom cleared her throat. “Have you heard the saying ‘You can’t have rainbows without the rain?’”

I stared at her and held up a hand. “Just stop it,” I said. “Before you wax all philosophical on me and tell me we can’t appreciate anything we’ve never had to work for, just, no.” I leaned forward. “Here’s one for you. ‘You won’t have heartache if you carefully guard your heart.’ That’s solid truth.”

“It sounds very lonely.”

“It’s better than how I’m feeling now.”

“You know, if you’d let yourself be vulnerable once in a while, it could make a world of difference.”

I leaned back into the chair and folded my arms across my chest. “I did, thanks. And the difference is I feel like I’ve lost my best friend.” I closed my eyes. “I was better off before….” Before I kissed him. Not that I could’ve said that aloud. Mom would’ve pounced on that like a mouse on cheese.

“So what does this mean?” she said after a short pause. “What’s next? Are you going to avoid Jake completely? Or maybe just pretend your feelings don’t exist?”

“I don’t know.” I hadn’t thought about that. What was I supposed to do when I saw him at school the next day? And for the next two years before graduation? “Maybe a little of both,” I said.

Mom’s brow knitted into a worried frown. “That doesn’t sound like much fun.”

I lifted my shoulder. “I’ll survive.”

“I know. I just want more for you than that.” She waited a couple of seconds before she got up and kissed the top of my head.

“Your little saying is wrong, by the way,” I said as she started to leave the room. “The one about the rainbows.”

She stopped. “How so?”

“You don’t see a rainbow every time it rains.” I looked up at her. “Not every story has a happy ending.”

“Maybe not,” she said with a sad smile. “But every story has a chance at one.”

Chapter Thirty-Seven

I turned into my parking spot the next morning, just as the final bell finished ringing, and let out a heavy sigh. I didn’t want to be at school. I didn’t even want to be awake, but Mom had stripped the covers off my bed and threatened to douse me with ice water if I didn’t get up.

Sometimes I really didn’t like my mom.

I passed Jake’s car as I navigated the parking lot and realized he hadn’t texted me that morning. Not counting the time he had the flu in eighth grade, it was probably the first time he hadn’t sent me a wake-up text since I got my first phone in middle school.

That only depressed me more. I adjusted my sunglasses and continued my trek.

Jake was coming down the steps as I approached the main building. He stopped short, and I raised my hand to wave to him. He waited a beat before he waved back.

“What’s with the shades?” he said as I walked toward him.

“Stupid allergies.” I took off my sunglasses and hoped my eyes weren’t as puffy as they were when I woke up. Concealer was good for hiding signs of sleep deprivation but not so good for shrinking the under-eye baggage I picked up crying last night.

“You should take something for that.”

The chill in his tone froze my insides. “Um, yeah. I did this morning.” I nodded toward the front office. “Why are you late?”

“I just am,” he said. “You?”

“Same.”

“And you’re actually getting a tardy slip?”

I shrugged. “Might as well.”

We stood on the steps in an awkward silence. Jake and I had never been this quiet around each other. It was…awful.

“I guess I should go,” I said. “I’ll see you in history?”

He nodded absently and I watched him head toward his homeroom class before I pulled my hoodie tight and went up to the office.

****

Events of the morning were hazy. I’d completely zoned out during English class, couldn’t concentrate during geometry, and by the time I got to European history, I was a total space cadet. I considered myself lucky for knowing Woodrow Wilson was still president when the first World War ended.

In short, it was not shaping up to be my best day.

Jake didn’t look very happy during history, either, and worse, he seemed to be avoiding me. It shouldn’t have mattered, especially since I’d already decided I needed to avoid him, but it only made the cavernous hole in my chest ache even more.

In the middle of history class, I’d made up my mind and figured I should at least ask Jake what was bothering him. After all, it could have been something exciting, like maybe he’d broken up with Clover the night before or whatever. Of course, that scenario would’ve been more exciting for me and much less so for him, but at least one of us would’ve been happier.

Okay, so I didn’t have the most selfless thoughts. My entire internal monologue didn’t matter much, anyway. He’d disappeared right after the bell rang, and I didn’t have a chance to corner him before lunch.

“All right,” Bianca said as we left the classroom and headed toward the cafeteria, “what’s going on with you?”

I feigned ignorance. “What do you mean?”

“You were late today and hauling some serious luggage under your eyes,” she said, holding up one finger. She held up a second and said, “You’ve had completely snarkless convos with Ally this morning, and all last period—” she lifted a third finger, “—there was like this Arctic blast between you and Jake.”

I cringed. She’d noticed it, too.

“I’m fine,” I said. “I just overslept, and I’m still not really awake.”

She raised her eyebrows. “You should try that again, maybe this time remembering I’m not a total idiot.”

I let out a heavy sigh. “Jake played me the song he wrote,” I said. “Yesterday. After school.”

“Oh! Did you convince him to perform tonight?”

The thought of dozens of people listening to him sing his words made my stomach twist, and I shook my head. “No. He said he doesn’t want to do it.”

“Did you tell him Clover—?”

“He knows she wants him to play it. And I mean, who wouldn’t? If a guy wrote a song like that about me….” My words trailed off as I remembered how Jake looked while he played it for me, how he was so into the music with his eyes closed. “Anyway, do you know who Gavin Leeds is?”

“He was on one of those reality talent shows, right?” Bianca said after a brief pause. “Came in second place? Kind of looks like Lenny Kravitz, only way younger?”

I nodded. “He’s one of the guest judges tonight, and I guess he’s going to play Jake’s song.”

“Okay,” she said, drawing out the word. “So why is everyone all of a sudden super mopey?”

“Because….” I stopped walking and closed my eyes as tears seeped from beneath my lashes. “Bianca, he’s madly in love with her, and I’m….” I wiped at my tears and let out a shaky breath.

She inhaled sharply and put her arm around me. “Are you sure?”

I put a hand to the space in my chest where my heart used to be and nodded again. “And it’s so obvious,” I said with a sniff. “I mean, all the time they’ve spent together and him always going to her house. And this song, Bianca! This song.” I glanced at her and said, “It’s amazing and completely Jake and it’s all about how he’s in love with her.” At that, whatever had been holding back the tears broke, and they began cascading down my face.

“Please tell me no one else has died,” Ally said as she approached us.

I laughed and sobbed at the same time, and it came out sounding like a seal’s bark.

“No,” I said, taking the tissue she offered. “It’s nothing that logical.”

“All right,” she said. “One of you has to bring me up to speed. But can we walk and talk? Because I’m starving.”

Bianca repeated what I’d told her while I looked for my sunglasses. I found them just in time to cover up my eyes before we entered the cafeteria.

“Are you sure it’s about Clover?” Ally said as we neared our table. “I mean, did he specifically mention her by name?”

Finn was in his usual spot, but this time without his laptop. Instead he was hunched over a massive tome. And was sitting alone with no sign of Jake.

I sat down and tapped the top of his book. “Hey, Finn. Where’s the other half of the brain trust?”

“Probably the music room,” he said without looking up. “I wouldn’t go looking for him, though. He’s avoiding you.”

“What?” I demanded. “Why?”

“I’m not getting involved.” He turned the page and kept his eyes down. “But if you ask me, the two of you need to sit down and talk to each other. With real words.”

Ally nodded. “On the scale of one to obvious, I’d say ‘yes.’”

Finn fixed her with a puzzled expression. “How is that even on the scale?”

“How am I supposed to talk to him if he doesn’t want to talk to me?” I mused aloud.

“That’s quite a conundrum,” he said, returning to his book. “But I’m not getting involved.”

“You might be able to corner him tonight,” Bianca suggested.

I bobbed my head in reluctant agreement, though not even twenty-four hours ago, I’d been plotting ways to avoid Jake for the rest of my life.

The irony wasn’t lost on me.

Chapter Thirty-Eight

The parking lot in front of the Bookish Bean was pretty full, and I hoped Keith wouldn’t be able to find an opening. Unfortunately for me, he spotted a woman leaving the hair salon a couple of doors down from the coffee shop, and he snagged her spot without effort.

I was doomed. If a massive earthquake had chosen that moment to split open the ground so it would swallow me whole, I wouldn’t have minded.

After I’d come home from school, I’d changed my mind about going to the open mic night. I didn’t want to see Clover, and I really didn’t want to see Jake with Clover, and since Jake didn’t want to see me, everyone would win. But Ally hadn’t understood my position when she called to ask what time I was planning to leave.

“You have to go,” she’d said. “If Jake’s all broody and mad at you now, it’ll be even worse if you don’t go.”

“Finn’s not going,” I’d reminded her.

“Finn’s on his way to Miami for his grandfather’s eightieth birthday,” she’d retorted, “something he couldn’t exactly get out of.”

But when I’d insisted on staying home, she had relented, only to show up with Keith on my doorstep an hour later.

And that was why I was climbing out of Keith’s car and shooting sullen glares at the back of Ally’s head. They had essentially kidnapped me, and my mom had done nothing to stop them. If anything, I think she’d aided and abetted.

So much for upholding the law.

“Will you please quit dragging your feet?” Ally said over her shoulder. “This started twenty minutes ago, and I’m going to be so mad if I miss anything good.”

“You realize this is an open mic thingy, right?” I said. “How much ‘good’ do you think you’re really going to miss?”

Keith laughed, which made me feel a little better. I was still walking to my own execution, but at least I had my sense of humor.

A tall man with a goatee and dark sunglasses was finishing his poem on a makeshift stage when Keith opened the door to let Ally and me in.

“Rage against the corporate greed,” the man on the stage said, emphasizing each word as he spoke. “Rise up against the lies. For only when we take back what’s ours will we truly be satisfied.”

“I’m sure you missed something riveting,” I said to Ally when the man bowed to a light smattering of polite golf claps.

She flashed me a dirty look as she led Keith and me to a long table near the front of the stage where Bianca and Tim sat with Clover. Jake was in deep conversation with a guy I’d never met before. He looked super familiar, though.

“We’ve arrived!” Ally said dramatically, her arms raised. She lowered herself into the seat beside Bianca and hooked a thumb in my direction. “You have no idea how hard it was to get this one out of the house.”

Clover smiled and jumped from her seat to greet me. “Talia, I’m so glad you made it.” She took my hand and whisked me away from my friends to meet the stranger at the table. “Gavin,” she said, tapping him on the shoulder, “this is Talia.”

Gavin Leeds, I said to myself as I remembered where I’d seen him before. Of course.

Greenish-gray eyes met mine as he turned to look at me. Gavin wasn’t as cute in person as he was in pictures or on TV, but he still commanded attention. Black curls topped his head in an artfully messy fashion, like he hadn’t bothered to touch his hair for weeks, yet every curl was perfectly placed. He had dark stubble along his jaw, making him look way older than nineteen. Dressed in a black T-shirt and leather jacket with a silver chain around his neck, everything about his image screamed rock star.

He rose from his seat and smiled down at me. “So you’re Talia,” he said, shaking my hand. “I’ve heard a lot about you.” He glanced at Jake, whose attention was elsewhere, and gestured to the seat that materialized between him and Clover.

“Hey, Jake,” I said.

He raised his hand to wave but didn’t look at me.

And everyone seems to think I’ll have no problem cornering him for a chat, I thought as my heart cracked and splintered. Yeah, good luck with that.

I sat down as a girl unfolded a piece of paper and began reading it onstage.

“I hear you’re an artist,” Gavin said, touching my hand to get my attention.

“What?” I said. “Oh, yeah.” I pulled back my hands and kept them in my lap.

“She’s really good,” Clover said. “I’ve seen some of her work.”

My face flushed.

Gavin nodded. “Cool, cool,” he said. “I have some serious admiration for people who can create in a vacuum, you know?” He put his elbows on the table, steepled his fingers, and gazed intently at me, like I was an odd specimen. “With music,” he said, “you need other people. It’s like being on a team.”

Clover rolled her eyes, and I guessed she’d heard him say that several times before.

“But art,” he continued, “art like painting and drawing and the kind of stuff you do. It’s just you and the empty canvas.” He shook his head and leaned back in his chair. “It’s solitary. And it’s real.”

I wasn’t sure how to respond to that. I wasn’t even sure he was sober. Fortunately, the girl onstage finished, and I could break eye contact to watch her bow and exit.

“He’s a little out there,” Clover said quietly. “But he’s so brilliant.”

“Is he stoned?” I said.

She frowned. “Um, I don’t think so.” It sounded more like a question than a statement. “He’s always kind of spacey like that,” she said with a shrug. “Besides, there’s some stipulation in Gavin’s contract that would let my dad cancel it if there’s any, um, questionable behavior or whatever.”

“That’s pretty smart,” I said.

“I guess, but there’s a clause in there, too, about who he can date.” She made a face and added, “Namely not me.”

I wasn’t sure which puzzled me more, the inclusion of a dating provision or Clover’s reaction to it.

A couple of belly dancers took the stage, and Clover searched the room as if looking for someone. She quickly faced forward with an annoyed sigh. “Great,” she said. “The Ego King is coming.”

I glanced over my shoulder to see who she was talking about and found Zack striding toward us. Jake got up to greet his former bandmate with an elaborate handshake and led Zack to the table.

“Gavin Leeds,” Zack said, his hand outstretched. “Good to meet you. Zack Montgomery.”

Gavin stood and shook his hand, a curious expression on his face.

“Your old lead guitarist?” he said to Jake. When Jake nodded, Gavin smiled. “I heard your demo, man. It’s tight.”

“Zack’s auditioning for Dad’s newest project,” Clover said as Zack pulled up a chair and the three of them began talking. I remembered Jake mentioning something about a new band, and nodded. “He’s so full of himself.” She shuddered.

I turned my attention back to the stage and watched the women dance, a colorful display of twirling scarves and undulating movements. After a few moments, I glanced at my companions. Gavin was still engrossed in conversation with Jake and Zack.

“I thought Jake said Gavin was a guest judge,” I said to Clover, tapping her on the arm. “But he’s not watching.”

She shook her head. “No, that’s a PR thing. My dad sent one of his scouts to judge. Gavin’s really just here to perform.”

My stomach twisted at her words, but I smiled to hide my anxiety.

I wasn’t sure how many acts I sat through while Clover and I made small talk. Every now and then I’d catch Ally’s attention from the other end of the table and glare at her, but she’d just smile and wave.

Finally, after three guys took the stage for a juggling act, I excused myself to use the restroom.

“Oh, don’t take too long,” Clover said as I stood. “Gavin’s up next.” She beamed. “He’s playing something Jake wrote, and you’re so going to want to hear it.”

I offered a tight-lipped smile and nodded before I made my way to the far corner of the coffee shop, silently cursing myself for not driving on my own. If I hadn’t pitched a fit about not wanting to go, I would’ve had my car there to escape. But instead, I was at the mercy of Keith and Ally who, judging by the way they were laughing with Bianca and Tim, had no desire to leave any time soon.

Gavin was stepping onto the stage when I got out of the bathroom. He sat on a stool holding an acoustic guitar and waved to the cheering crowd.

“So, uh, I guess you guys all know who I am,” he said into the microphone when the applause died down. A few people laughed, and some clapped, but Gavin held up his hand to silence them. “This is something my buddy Jake wrote for his girl, and you guys all get to hear it first.”

The crowd applauded again, but my stomach clenched. I didn’t need to hear any more. I started for the exit and was almost to the door when Gavin’s voice stopped me.

“Anyway, I don’t know where she went, but, uh, Talia, this is for you. It’s called ‘Never Say Goodbye.’”

The crowd cheered again, and I whirled around to face the stage. Gavin began a succession of chords I’d heard just the previous afternoon. It was a different arrangement, more upbeat and poppy just as Jake had said, but there was no mistaking it. That was Jake’s song.

I rushed back to the table as Gavin started to sing. Jake’s seat was empty.

“Where is he?” I said to Ally and Bianca as I knelt down between them. “Did you see him leave? Where did he go?”

Bianca peered around Clover and shook her head. “I don’t know.”

“Sorry.” Ally bit her lip. “We really weren’t paying attention.”

I crumpled up a napkin and threw it at Keith. “Where’s Jake?” I said when he turned.

He glanced across the table and shrugged. I stood on my toes and scanned the room, searching for some sign of him, but I didn’t see him.

“Are you looking for Jake?” Clover said. When I nodded, she smiled. “Check outside.”

I didn’t even pause to thank her but turned to push my way through the throngs of people on their feet watching Gavin play. I reached the front door as he began the chorus.