Текст книги "Just To Be With You"

Автор книги: Bella Andre

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CHAPTER NINETEEN

“Ian,” Quinn said when Ian walked up to interrupt their dance, “you should have told me Tatiana was going to be here tonight so I could brush up on my dance moves.”

“It was more fun to surprise him,” she said softly.

When Quinn smiled down at her, there was more genuine warmth in his gaze than Ian could remember seeing before. Quinn turned back to him with a raised eyebrow. “She was telling me you two are practically cousins.” Ian knew exactly what he was doing—trying to remind him that he should stay away from the beautiful woman who was nearly family.

Tatiana’s skin was flushed, her eyes bright, when she finally turned her gaze to his. In an instant, Ian’s brain rewound to the way she’d been just as flushed beneath him, and then over him, in those breathless moments in his bed. Standing in the middle of the dance floor, every muscle in his body clenched tight as he remembered how intense, how shockingly right, it had been to make love with her.

Barely nodding at the other man, he told her, “Valentina needs to speak with you.”

Tatiana frowned. “Is she here?” She scanned the room. “I didn’t think she and Smith were coming back from Ireland until Monday.”

“No, she’s not back yet. She needs to speak with you on the phone.” When she looked down at the small purse dangling from her wrist, obviously wondering why she hadn’t noticed her phone buzzing, he clarified, “She called my phone asking for you. I’ve got a quiet place I can take you to talk to her.”

“I’m sorry, Quinn,” she said to the other man, “but I need to make sure everything’s okay with my sister.”

“Of course,” he agreed, though it was clear he hated to let her go. “It was positively delightful dancing with you, and please don’t hesitate to take me up on my offer to bring you up the coast to that private beach I mentioned.”

With a final smile for Quinn, she let Ian direct her through the crowd and into a small, empty kitchen off to the side of the ballroom.

Ian hadn’t thought this through, he’d simply taken the first available opportunity to get her alone. Now, as he stood close to her again, close enough to smell her perfume, close enough to see the pulse beating at the side of her neck, close enough to see the little flecks of blue in her green eyes, he lost the thread of everything but how much he wanted her.

More now, he was stunned to realize, than ever before.

One night hadn’t quenched his thirst for her. One night hadn’t gotten her out of his system. On the contrary, the passionate hours they’d spent together had only made him increasingly desperate for more of her.

“Ian? Don’t you need to give me your phone so that I can talk to my sister?”

Shit. He never lied. But he hadn’t been able to think straight when he’d seen her dancing in Quinn’s arms, so he’d simply said the first thing that popped into his head. “There isn’t a phone call.”

“There isn’t?” She frowned again, looking up at him in confusion. “They why did you drag me off the dance floor?”

“Because I needed to ask you what the hell you were thinking, wearing that dress tonight!”

The room was so small it almost sounded like he was yelling at her. But the control by which he’d always lived his life was currently in such shreds—precisely the way her clothes had been last night when he’d torn them off of her in his office—that he couldn’t moderate it.

The last thing he expected Tatiana to do in response was to give a little twirl. As the thin, sparkling gold fabric swirled around her knees, she said, “I was thinking that it’s a pretty dress. Don’t you like it?”

“It should be illegal.” The urge to touch her was so strong it nearly broke him. “All a man can think of when he sees you in that dress is tearing it off you.”

“Thank you,” she said as if he’d just given her a great compliment. “But why do you care if other men see me in this dress?”

“Because you’re—”

The word mine hung in the air between them, as potent as it had been when he’d said it to her the night before in bed, right before he’d claimed her.

Damn it, he was getting everything wrong with her again and again and again...when all he really wanted to do was figure out a way to make things right.

“I’m sorry about this morning,” Ian said. “I handled everything badly.” He shook his head and admitted, “And now I’m handling everything badly again. What I’m trying to say, what I need you to know, is that I didn’t push you away because of anything you did wrong. Every bit of blame for the situation lies in my court.” Not only for losing control and taking her to bed, but also for not being the kind of man who could give her the true love she deserved.

He couldn’t read her expression as he fumbled through the apology. What was she thinking? And why wasn’t she just saying it to him the way she always had before?

Of course, that was when his phone actually rang.

“I know that’s the ring tone that means something’s wrong. You should go take care of it. There are probably millions of dollars on the line right now.”

She was letting him off the hook, just like that, and perhaps he should have been grateful. But he’d spent enough time with her these past three days to know this wasn’t her. She should be getting up in his face and asking him why he was being an asshole. Hell, she should even be grabbing him and blowing his mind apart with a kiss to prove without a shadow of a doubt that they were meant to be together.

Anything but this.

Anything but giving up on him. On them. Even if he’d done everything he could this morning to push her into doing just that.

“The call can wait. I brought you in here to talk.”

She looked as frustrated as he felt. “What do you want me to say, Ian? That I was really hurt this morning? That I felt like a fool? That I hated going from feeling as happy as I’d ever been one moment to sobbing my eyes out the next?”

“I swear to you, Tatiana, the last thing I ever wanted was to make you cry.”

“I know that. It’s one of the reasons I fell in love with you. Because you care so deeply, with everything you are, even when you’re trying so hard not to.” She shook her head. “All day long I’ve been trying to figure out what I feel, knowing it would be so much easier if I could stay angry with you. But then I watched you get up on that stage and say all those beautiful, heartfelt things. How am I supposed to stay mad at you? How am I supposed to fall out of love with you? And even if I could do either of those things, how could I ever forget how good making love with you is...or stop wanting to be with you again? I know you must have had lots of fun and meaningless one-night stands.” There was desperation in her voice as she said, “Tell me how to do it, too. You must know how.”

Ian reached for a lock of her hair, couldn’t stop himself from touching her even when he knew he shouldn’t. “You’re right, I’ve always known how. But with you?” He moved even closer. “I don’t have a clue.”

* * *

Tatiana reeled from Ian’s nearness, from the need she could see so clearly on his face...and from the fact that the most honest man she’d ever met had actually faked a phone call to steal her away from Quinn and get her alone.

She’d come to the fundraiser tonight planning to make him see he couldn’t resist her, but now that it seemed to have worked, she couldn’t play any more games with him.

Love would never be a game to her.

“I wore this dress to get back at you,” she admitted in a soft voice.

“I know you did, sweetheart.” The endearment slipped from his tongue as easily, as sweetly, as it had when they were making love. And just as it had last night, it warmed her all over. “You’re beautiful in it. So damned beautiful.”

“I wanted you to see everything you could no longer have.” She’d thrown caution completely to the wind when she’d decided to make love with him last night, and though she knew a wiser, safer, more rational woman wouldn’t make that same choice again now, how could she do anything else but say, “But you can, Ian. You can still have me if you want me.”

“Of course I want you. But you want the fairy tale. You want Prince Charming to carry you off on his noble steed. You want romance and flowers and poetry. And it’s not too much to ask for, Tatiana, not when it’s everything you deserve.”

“Then why can’t it be you?”

“It just can’t.”

“If it’s because of what happened with your ex-wife, haven’t you and I spent enough time together already this week for you to know I’m nothing like her? I’m honest to a fault. I don’t want your money. I don’t need status. I don’t want you for everything that you have. It’s who you are that interests me, Ian.” Maybe it was crazy to lay it all out for him now, especially after everything he’d said to her that morning, but she couldn’t see how keeping it inside would be any better. “I know everyone makes mistakes, but I’m certain that being with you wasn’t a mistake. I was waiting to have sex until I was in love, and even if not everyone does that, it was right for me. I waited this long for you and now that I’ve found you, I’m not giving up. And even if I have to keep waiting, I will.”

“No,” he said, the one word full of such inner conflict it tore at her heart. “You shouldn’t wait for me. There are a million guys out there who would be a better fit for you.”

“I can’t imagine anyone fitting with me better than you.”

As emotion and heady sensuality swirled around them both, Ian told her, “I would take you to bed again tonight, tomorrow, and the night after that, if I thought sex was enough for you. But we both know it isn’t. And I can’t hurt you any more than I already have.”

She could feel, could see, his frustration, and wanted so badly to soothe it, even though she knew she was the cause of it. But how could she when she still didn’t understand why he was so adamant about pushing her away? “How do you think you’re going to hurt me, Ian?”

“Being with me—it will change you.”

“Of course it will. The first time I met you in Napa, everything already started changing. And now that I know you better, now that we’ve finally made love—”

“I’m not talking about good changes, Tatiana. You were with me all week. You know how many hours I work. You need, you deserve, someone who will be there for you. Someone who won’t think twice about putting you first, now and always.”

She could have reminded him that he’d left his staff meeting to track her down on Wednesday morning, but because she was certain he’d brush that piece of evidence away, she simply said, “When I’m filming, I work crazy hours, too. I understand what your life is like, that our schedules will take a lot of work to figure out. But I’m okay with that.”

“You might think that now, but you’d end up hating me. This warmth you feel for me would grow colder and colder until all that’s left is ice between us.”

Pieces of everything she’d seen Ian do during the past week, everything she’d heard him say about love, all swirled together into the answer. “Is that what you think happened with your ex?”

Thankfully, this time, he didn’t put her off, didn’t keep her out. “Yes.”

“She was warm once?” She shook her head. “I can’t see it.”

“Not like you. No one is as warm, as open, as you. But she wasn’t what she is now, either. I made her that. I turned her into what she is now.”

“You’re a very powerful man, Ian. And you might be able to control companies and industries through your will and determination and brilliance. But even you can’t make someone become a total bitch. You can’t turn someone with true warmth inside of her into a glittering, self-absorbed block of ice. I get that maybe Chelsea was a softer version of herself when you first met and started dating, but I can guarantee that cold, hard part of her was already there, just waiting to spring out.”

“I would have seen it.”

“Or maybe you didn’t want to see it. Maybe you were in a place in your life where you were ready to share it with someone and create a family the way your parents did with each other, so it was easier not to see it. Especially if she was trying her best to make sure you didn’t.”

Tatiana could see him turning her suggestions around in his head, and maybe if he were anyone else, she would have kept pushing, kept trying to make him see things her way.

But Ian Sullivan wasn’t a man anyone would ever be able to push around. And because it was yet another one of the reasons she loved him so much, she simply said, “Having seen you in action all week long, I know not only how hard it is to change your mind, but also that I’m not going to do it tonight. So since I don’t want to begin and end today fighting with you, I’m going to say good-night now.” Before he could stop her, she went up on her toes and kissed him. One soft, sweet, gentle kiss into which she poured her entire heart. “I’ll see you on Monday at your office.”

And then she made herself walk away.

CHAPTER TWENTY

Ian was sitting in his home office staring blindly at his computer screen early Saturday morning when his phone rang. His first thought, before he could stop it, was Tatiana. But it was his brother Dylan’s name that popped up on the screen.

“Hey, looks like a good day for a sail. I could use a crew.”

Ian had lost countless productive hours this week. He needed time to focus on the eAirBox deal he’d put two years of work into. When Flynn accepted his offer on Tuesday, Ian needed to be ready to move forward immediately.

But he couldn’t concentrate on anything but Tatiana. He’d known plenty of beautiful women, had even married one, but he’d never had such a hard time keeping his hands—and worse, his thoughts—off one.

Tatiana wanted love, wanted the happily-ever-after, wanted someone she could count on through thick and thin. And in his weakest moments, Ian wanted to be all those things for her. But even caught up in her spell, he knew better, knew he’d only hurt her worse if he were stupid enough to think love could change who he was at his core.

Work had always set him straight, and at this point, Ian could have worked for the next forty-eight hours and only barely caught up to where he needed to be. But there was no way he was going to get one damned thing done sitting here, rolling everything over and over in his head, like a teenager caught up in his first crush. What had happened between him and Tatiana was way past a crush, a million times bigger than a no-strings night of hot sex. She thought she loved him, believed it with a faith so fierce that, frankly, it awed him. And scared the shit out of him, too.

So instead of blowing off his brother’s invitation, Ian slammed the screen shut on his laptop.

“I’ll meet you at the harbor in fifteen.”

* * *

The speed, the cold air, and the water spraying over him helped to clear his head. Ian and his brother didn’t say much to each other during the sail, but they didn’t need to. Not when they knew each other so well that they were, as always, a perfect team out on the Sound.

It had been way too long since he’d done this—not just the sail, but hanging out with one of his brothers. Sure, he’d seen them at the recent Sullivan weddings he’d flown in from London to attend, but there hadn’t been time to really talk to any of them.

Suddenly, he couldn’t lie to himself any longer by trying to claim it was because his schedule was out of his control. Sullivan Investments was his company, and as Tatiana had pointed out earlier that week, he’d built it up to the point where he had plenty of trusted people working for him to whom he could pass more responsibility.

So it wasn’t that he didn’t have time if he wanted it.

He simply hadn’t made the time for his family. And now, for the first time, he forced himself to ask why.

At first, his single-minded focus on business had been all about saving his family so they wouldn’t lose their house, and so that his brothers and sisters would have enough money to go to college and follow their dreams. But then, by the time his family had been taken care of, he’d been wholly caught up in the game, the thrill of winning, and of always reaching for more. Not because he’d been turned into someone else. It was more that he’d uncovered, or discovered who he really was. He’d never meant it to come at the expense of everything else.

Or had he? After all, wasn’t it easier to keep them all out then it would have been to let them in? Especially when all of this emotional turmoil with Tatiana was the perfect example of what happened when he let anyone get too close?

A couple of hours later, they were back in the harbor taking down the mainsail, when Dylan said, “So, how was your week with Tatiana?”

The halyard slipped in Ian’s hands. “Fine.” He cursed as he barely kept the rope from getting away from him. “I don’t know if I’ve been much help to her, though. She still seems frustrated by her role.” And, definitely, by him.

Dylan gave him a look that Ian couldn’t quite read. His youngest brother had always been so quick to grin, and to make a joke, that people often missed the depth that was just as much a part of him. Ian had always known it was there, though, even when Dylan was a little kid.

“I’m sure she’s working on it, and that she’ll figure it out,” Dylan said. “She’s never struck me as the kind of person who gives up easily.”

Thinking that Dylan had no idea just how right he was, it was the affection in his brother’s voice as he spoke of Tatiana that caught Ian’s ear.

“Why haven’t you asked her out?”

Dylan’s eyebrows shot up. “Tatiana?”

“Yes, Tatiana. What are you waiting for?”

“Dating her would be like dating my sister. Don’t get me wrong, she’s gorgeous and fun, and it’d be great if things were different. But that’s just not what’s between us. Never has been. Besides—” Dylan paused, grinned. “—she only has eyes for you. So I think a better question is, why haven’t you asked her out? Or,” he said as his gaze sharpened, “have you?”

“I haven’t.” And it was true. Ian had made love to her all night long and then broken her heart the next morning...all without ever asking her out.

“Why not? And don’t bother repeating my she’s-like-a-sister line. Because there were some major sparks shooting off between you two at dinner on Friday night. So hot they practically melted the chocolates.”

Ian worked to keep his hands steady on the boom as he said, “I’m not looking for anything serious. She is.”

“Look,” Dylan said, “I’m not looking for anything serious right now, either, so I get where you’re coming from. But I’ve got to tell you that if a girl like Tatiana came along who I connected with, who I couldn’t stop thinking about, who was clearly one in a million, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t stop at anything to make her mine. And I’d make sure I did whatever I needed to do to keep her happy.”

“Of course I want her to be happy.” Ian knew he was losing his cool now, but damn it, the last thing he needed was his little brother lecturing him about love. “I’ve never met anyone with her inner strength before. When she believes something is true, is real, she’ll go down with the ship, never wavering for one second, no matter how dangerous the waters might be.”

“Then why aren’t you making a move?”

“Because more than anything else, Tatiana believes in true love. She wants it, deserves it, and I hope like hell that she gets it one day. But I can’t give it to her. She thinks I can, but I can’t.”

“Wait a minute.” His brother pinned him with a serious look. “Something happened, didn’t it? Between the two of you this week.”

“I screwed up. Big time.”

Ian cursed as he ran his hands through his hair. He’d already shared more with Tatiana than he’d shared with anyone else—not just the inner workings of his company and day-to-day schedule, but particularly about his ex-wife. And he knew why he had.

Because he already felt a hundred times more for Tatiana than he ever had for anyone else.

But she had her whole life, and the whole world, in front of her. She could have and be anything she wanted, and he simply couldn’t believe that a cynical, brooding workaholic like him was right for her.

“I can’t screw up with her again. I can’t hurt her again.”

“Then don’t,” Dylan told him. “But don’t lie to yourself, either, and think that you’ll be able to stay away if you keep seeing her every day in your office.”

Ian had always been decisive, had never wavered over the right path to take. Even when he’d left football behind to go into business, he’d never second guessed, never hesitated, never wondered “what if?” But while it was true that he didn’t want to hurt her more than he already had, at the same time, Ian knew that he couldn’t keep lying to himself and say he was only staying away for her benefit.

In college when his family had been hurting, he’d found out what it was like to be vulnerable, to come face-to-face with the cold fear of how quickly everything you’d ever taken for granted could be lost. He’d vowed never to let himself, or any of the people he loved, be vulnerable like that again. Work, money, success—those were the things that Ian could always count on to save his family. And himself. But somehow, Tatiana had begun to get behind his shields…

All week long he’d known that being close to her every day was a bad idea. But at the same time, he’d wanted to be close to her too much to put a stop to it. Now, thanks to this conversation with his brother, Ian knew exactly what he needed to do.

Even if it killed him.