Текст книги "Follow Me Back"

Автор книги: A. Meredith Walters

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Текущая страница: 21 (всего у книги 22 страниц)

chapter

thirty-eight

aubrey

on the drive to Compulsion, the numbness wore off and the anger resurfaced. It felt good to be pissed rather than annihilated.

I waited in line at the old factory impatiently, barely aware of the people around me. When I got to the front, I was surprised by the lack of derision for my anticlub attire. The bouncer, a guy I didn’t recognize, stamped my hand and waved me inside.

And here I was again. Looking for Maxx.

Compulsion had been our beginning. And it had proven our end as well. It was a sad full circle.

I pushed through the teeming crowd, craning my neck to look around. The place was heaving tonight, and I could barely walk two steps without colliding with someone.

There was a strange energy in the air. One that had me edgier than I already was. I made my way to the bar but didn’t recognize the guy serving drinks. I waited my turn, and when the man wearing a tight leather halter top and bracelets up to his elbows came over to take my order, I shook my head.

“I’m looking for X!” I shouted over the music.

Leather halter guy frowned. “Who?”

“X!” I yelled in his ear.

The bartender shrugged. “I have no idea who that is. I’m new, though, so I don’t know many of the regulars. Do you want anything or not?”

“No, thank you,” I responded. I faced the dance floor and scoured the crowd, looking for Maxx. I had a sinking feeling I’d never be able to find him.

“You came!” April suddenly appeared beside me, her now brown hair plastered with sweat to the sides of her face. Her eyes were wide and sparkling.

“Yeah, I was just looking for someone,” I answered dismissively.

“Oh yeah? Are you looking for Maxx?” It annoyed me that I was that obvious.

“Yeah, I am. Have you seen him?”

April shook her head, bouncing on her feet. “I haven’t, no. But I could help you look.”

“No, that’s okay—” There was a loud commotion from the front of the building, and then a tidal wave of people started moving toward the exit.

“It’s the cops!” I heard someone scream. And the club erupted into absolute and total chaos.

“Fuck! We need to get out of here now!” April shouted in my ear, grabbing hold of my hand and wrenching me forward.

I was shoved and pushed from all directions; everyone was in a state of panic as we all attempted to get outside.

“We need to hurry! They’ll start using tear gas! I’ve seen it happen before,” April yelled, throwing elbows as we tried to make our way across the room.

“Tear gas?” I gasped. Oh my God! Where was Maxx?

I tried to look around, scanning the faces, but it was absolute pandemonium. People were shouting, girls were screaming. I saw spotlights trained on the heaving, waving crowd.

“This way!” April yelled, pulling my arm toward the wall. We felt our way along the outer perimeter of the room. It was slow going, and in the darkness I could see police officers arresting people and pulling them outside.

Eventually, through pure luck, we located the fire exit.

“Come on, Aubrey! Hurry up!” April was starting to freak out.

“But Maxx might be in there!” I protested.

“Then he’s fucked. Now come on!” she yelled, giving my arm a vicious pull, and then we were outside.

The insanity breaking loose inside could still be heard once we were out of the building.

“Oh my God!” I gasped, bracing my hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath.

“We can’t stop! We’ve got to go!” April was pulling on me again. We ran along the outside of the building, steering clear of the police barricade that had been set up.

“What’s going on?” I asked when we were finally able to stop. We had made our way back to the parking lot. In the craziness, we had gone unnoticed and were able to escape.

April was red in the face and breathing hard.

“It looks like a drug bust. Check it out,” she said, pointing to the front of the club.

There were flashing lights everywhere. Police officers had swarmed the old factory, pulling partyers out of the club and handcuffing them. Others were being thrown to the ground. The din of the crowd was deafening.

A group of people joined us, others who had made their successful escape from inside. April’s friends were among those who had gotten out in time.

“I heard someone say they were tipped off that there was a huge drug deal going down tonight,” a guy with purple hair said. Blood streaked down his cheek, and it looked as though he had an earring yanked out of his lobe.

Oh my fucking God!

Was Maxx in there? Was he a part of the drug deal gone bad? I left the group of people and moved forward.

“Aubrey, I wouldn’t go down there!” April warned, but I ignored her. I walked to the police boundary and watched as people were thrown to the ground and arrested. I looked for Maxx in every face that was hauled out of the club and put into vans.

I recognized Marco, Maxx’s friend, being led out by police. He was yelling and snarling, and I could see him fighting against the man who held him by the arms, leading him toward a patrol car.

If Maxx had been inside, there was only one way he’d be coming out. In handcuffs.

I knew then that I couldn’t wait to see if Maxx was among those being pulled out of the club. I couldn’t watch as the man I loved was carted away. I stumbled back, barely able to see through my tears.

“Hey! Aubrey!” I heard April yelling behind me. I stopped and turned to her.

“What’s wrong?” she asked when she saw my face.

“Nothing. I’m fine. I’ve just got to go.” I started walking toward my car. She called my name again, but I kept going. I had returned to the numbness. My heart felt like lead in my chest.

I made it to my car and got inside. I sat there for a while, the flashing police lights illuminating the interior of my car. I gripped the steering wheel, unable to turn the engine on. I had really thought this time would be different.

The saying goes, Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

It was the goddamned truth.

I finally pulled away from the club. I should go home. I’m exhausted. But instead I drove back to Maxx’s apartment. My heartache seemed to always lead me there. I slowly walked up the steps and went inside, noting absently that I must have left the lights on when I had left.

I stared around the space, the numbness starting to fade.

Then came the fury. The anguish. The moment when my heart shattered into a million pieces. I screamed. And then I collapsed in a heap on the floor.

chapter

thirty-nine

maxx

i couldn’t wait to tell Aubrey about the gallery. I hoped she’d be proud of me.

I went to put my key into the lock of my apartment door and was surprised to find that it was already open. I went inside and saw that the lights were on even though I remembered turning them off before I had left to go to see Landon.

“Hello?” I called out¸ but no one answered. I walked back to my room and stood just inside the door. Nothing jumped out and caught my eye as being off, but I could tell something was different. Then I saw it. The pills I had only just stashed on the shelf earlier that day had been crushed on the floor.

I knew instantly what had happened. Aubrey had been here. For some reason she had gone through my stuff. Anger flared to life, an age-old response that I couldn’t really control. How fucking dare she come in here and look around like I was a damn criminal! Who the hell did she think she was?

She was the woman I loved.

But clearly, she had come here and dug through my shit because she suspected something. She hadn’t trusted me.

And that hurt like a knife to the heart.

I grabbed my phone and quickly dialed her number. It rang and rang, sending me to voice mail. Fuck. I had to find her. I had to explain.

I gripped my hair in my hands and berated myself for my idiocy. I should have flushed the stupid pills down the toilet as soon as Gash had given them to me. Why hadn’t I gotten rid of them? Because I was a goddamned addict who needed my crutch.

I was staring at the white powder that had been my vice when I heard the front door open and then slam shut. And then I heard a scream, loud and painful. It was the most horrible sound I had ever heard.

I rushed into the living room and found Aubrey in a crumpled heap on the floor. I dropped to my knees by her side, terrified by the sight in front of me. “Aubrey!” I grabbed ahold of her shoulders and pulled her up. She was sobbing, her entire body shaking.

“Aubrey!” I yelled. She opened her eyes and looked up at me, her face paling as though she had seen a ghost.

“Maxx?”

“Who else would it be?” I asked, hardly able to hear her over the pounding of my heart.

“But I thought . . . I . . .” She was choking on her tears.

I got her up off the floor and practically carried her to the couch. I put my arms around her and held her while she noisily fell apart.

“What’s wrong? What happened?” I asked her, crooning softly in her ear as I stroked her hair. Aubrey took a shuddering breath and finally stopped crying. She pulled back slightly, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand.

“I found them,” she said. It wasn’t an accusation, just a simple statement. I didn’t need to ask what she was referring to, because of course I knew.

“I saw,” I replied.

“Where were you tonight?” she demanded, her eyes still wet with tears, but now lit with a fire that scared me a little.

“I told you, I was with Landon—”

“Don’t give me that shit!” she seethed.

This was the moment. The moment I could tell her the truth. Tell her everything. Or I could be a fucking coward and hide the dark secrets inside me.

“Yeah, well, that wasn’t my original plan, but I did end up over at my uncle’s house,” I began.

“What do you mean it wasn’t your original plan?” She was angry. Now that she was over the tear fest, she looked ready to commit murder.

“If you found the drugs, you probably already have an idea.”

Aubrey pulled out of my arms completely and moved away. “You were going to the club. I knew it, but I didn’t want to believe it. But then I saw the painting—”

“Wait. What painting?” I interrupted.

Aubrey frowned. “The one on campus. The one for the club,” she said, looking at me as though I had lost my mind.

“That wasn’t me, Aubrey,” I told her truthfully. I had no idea what she was talking about, but if there was a painting on a building somewhere for Compulsion, it wasn’t my doing.

Aubrey didn’t say anything. I grabbed her hand and held it, hoping she wouldn’t pull it away. “You believe me, don’t you?”

“I didn’t know what to believe,” she whispered, though she didn’t take her hand away. Small miracles, I supposed.

“I came here. I found the drugs and I sort of lost it. So I went to the club to find you.” Her voice was ragged and broken.

“You went to Compulsion? What in the hell, Aubrey!”

Aubrey’s face flushed, and she gave me an indignant look. “Yeah, well, given my discovery, I don’t think you’re in a position to give me shit about anything!”

Point taken.

“So I went there and there was a raid—”

“Wait! What? A police raid?” Marco had been right. The police had been watching the club.

I could have been there. I would have been caught in the middle of it. I needed to remember to thank my bastard uncle for inadvertently saving my hide.

“Police were pulling people out of the club in handcuffs. I saw your friend Marco get loaded into a patrol car.”

“Fuck, really?” I ran my free hand through my hair. Shit.

“You thought I was there. That I had gotten arrested,” I said, the reason for her meltdown making sense now.

Aubrey nodded, more tears slipping down her face. “Where were you tonight?” she asked again.

“Well, I wasn’t selling, if that’s what you were worried about,” I tried.

“What else was I supposed to think, Maxx?”

“Okay, okay. I had been thinking about going back to the club, Aubrey. I won’t lie to you about that. Gash made me an offer of quick money that was really tempting. I’ve been really struggling. You know that. I just wanted to be able to provide for our future.”

Aubrey opened her mouth, and I knew she was getting angry again. “Let me finish, okay?” I begged, and after a moment, she nodded.

“It seemed like the easiest thing to do. It’s what I knew. What I was good at. I could move some dope, score some cash, and be set. Gash said it would be a one-time thing, and I thought it seemed like the best choice.” I took a deep breath and thought about how differently my night would have ended up had I decided to go.

“But then, this evening, I went to see Landon. And I had a run-in with David—”

“Your uncle?” she asked, and I nodded.

“Yeah. And he said some stuff that really made me think, and I realized I couldn’t go through with it. That I would be putting myself right back in the very place I was a few months ago. And I couldn’t do that to you. Or to Landon. And most of all, I couldn’t do that to myself.”

I carefully pulled Aubrey toward me, and she let me put my arm around her. I pressed her into my side, needing to feel her close.

“I came home and grabbed some of my artwork and then I went into the city. I found an art gallery and talked to the owner. He really liked my stuff, Aubrey. He’s setting up a show for some of my pieces.”

Aubrey’s face, still flushed and swollen from her tears, brightened a little. “Really? That’s great,” she said genuinely, but then her face darkened. “You lied to me, Maxx,” she said, her voice tight and angry.

I sighed. How could I expect her to forgive me for betraying her trust yet again? “I did lie to you. I deceived you. I kept things from you when I had promised I wouldn’t. I’d understand if you wanted to walk out that door and never see me again.”

Aubrey’s eyes narrowed slightly. “Maybe I should, Maxx. Because I told you that I can’t go down this path with you, not anymore. I can’t be in a relationship with someone I can’t trust.”

I swallowed thickly, feeling tears prick my eyes. If Aubrey left me now, after everything, I wasn’t sure I’d survive it. I had fought so hard to do this right, but in the end, here I was, fucking it up all over again.

“Aubrey, I’m a screwup. I’m a messed-up guy with a hell of a lot of baggage. It’s going to take me time to figure out how to do this right. But I’m trying. I hope you can see that. And the only way I can become the man I want to be is if you’re here, helping me.”

Aubrey shook her head.

“I’m not using. Though every day is a struggle. I can’t promise you that I won’t mess up again. Because I probably will. A lot.” I ran my fingers down the side of her face, stopping to cup my hand around the side of her neck.

She tensed slightly, her eyes focused on the second button of my shirt. “That’s not exactly a ringing endorsement for me to stay,” she said quietly.

“I wish I could make those promises. But I can’t. I can only ask that you stick this out with me. Maybe it’s selfish to ask that of you. But I truly think that we’re better together than apart. I know that you bring out the best in me.”

I ran my thumb across the heartbeat thudding under her skin. “It made me better, loving you,” I said softly.

Aubrey’s lips quirked, and I knew she wanted to smile but wasn’t about to let herself. “You and those damn quotes,” she said, but without any venom.

“How about my own words then? Aubrey Duncan, I love you. I told you that I didn’t want you to save me, but you have. Every single day you love me back you are saving me. And I will try like hell to make sure you never regret opening your heart to me. Because I was made to be yours. Just as you were made to be mine. I knew that the moment I laid eyes on you. And I feel it more strongly now than I ever have.”

A tear fell down Aubrey’s cheek, and she wiped it away furiously. “I need to be able to trust you, Maxx. I can’t do this if I don’t.”

I lifted her chin so that she would look at me. “I will work every day for the rest of my life earning your trust. And I hope the day will come that your faith in me will be as easy as breathing. Because that life I dream of, the one I see in my head every night before I fall asleep, I will fight to the death to have it. I told you I wouldn’t give up on you . . . on us. I just ask that you don’t give up on me.”

I had laid it all out there. I didn’t know what else to do. It was all up to Aubrey now.

“I just . . . Maxx . . . I don’t know.” She got up, grabbed her keys, and headed toward the door. She paused for a moment, not looking at me, her head bowed.

Don’t leave! I pleaded silently, feeling the walls closing in around me. Aubrey finally looked at me, her eyes wet. She was going to leave. This was it. I had ruined everything. For good this time. Then, surprisingly, she walked back across the room. She dropped down to her knees in front of where I still sat on the couch. She reached out, her hands almost touching mine . . . but not quite.

“I’m not walking away, Maxx. I’m not shutting the door on us. I just need to wrap my mind around everything that’s happened tonight. You hurt me. Again,” she whispered, her voice broken.

I wanted to grab her and pull her close, never letting go. She said she wasn’t walking away. But the look in her eyes had me doubting her words. I shook my head. “Don’t leave me.”

Finally, she bridged the physical distance. Her fingertips pressed into my cheek, branding me hers forever. There was a promise in her touch.

“You have to trust me, Maxx. Just like I have to trust you,” she said, speaking to the unspoken fears in my mind.

Trust. We were always coming back to that basic, fundamental concept. Aubrey slowly got back to her feet, lingering for only a moment. And then she was gone, the door closing softly behind her.

I just sat there, the silence of her departure ringing in my ears. Aubrey was right. I had to trust her. I had to trust that she wouldn’t obliterate me completely. I had to trust in both of us. It was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do.

epilogue

aubrey

two years later

i felt itchy beneath the hot polyester gown. Sweat trickled down from my hairline, and I readjusted the cap that sat precariously on my head. I looked out into the crowd, searching for the people I knew would be there.

My parents waved at me enthusiastically, and I waved back.

They were staying the weekend of my graduation and were planning to take me out to dinner after the ceremony to celebrate. It was hard to believe that there was a time when I had resented them so much that I couldn’t bring myself to see or talk to them. Sure, things weren’t perfect, but I was just happy to have them back in my life.

I tilted my head back and looked up at the sky. I love you, sis, I said silently to the girl who wasn’t in the audience.

The wind picked up and whipped around me, giving me a brief respite from the overbearing heat, and I could imagine for a moment that it was a gift from Jayme. A message letting me know that she still loved me, too. It didn’t hurt as much to think of Jayme anymore. The dull ache in my heart would never really go away, but every day I was healing.

I was feeling antsy and more than ready for the ceremony to get started. It felt like a long time coming, but I was finally here, graduating with a bachelor’s in education. It had only taken me an extra two years to get there.

Two weeks ago I had accepted a position at the elementary school the next town over. I’d be starting in the fall with a group of twenty-two first graders. I was sort of terrified. But it was a good sort of terrified.

“Hey, Aubrey!” a familiar voice called out from the front of the crowd. I looked up to see Brooks, who stood with Renee, waving at me. I waved back, glad they were both there. I hadn’t seen either of them in months. Renee had graduated on time two years ago. She had moved back home with her parents for a while until she had found a job. She eventually accepted a position as a paralegal for a big law firm. She had moved into her own place and claimed she was happy.

But sometimes I wondered.

Things with Iain had never really worked out, and she hadn’t dated anyone seriously since then. I worried about my friend, but knew better than anyone that she had to go her own way and heal in her own time.

Brooks had gone on to graduate school in Maryland. I had honestly thought that once he had moved away, we would lose touch. Even though I had meant it when I had told him our friendship was the kind that would last a lifetime, I had doubts that he’d ever truly forgive me for going back to Maxx. I was delighted when only a few weeks after he had left he had called me, telling me to turn to channel ten. I did as I was instructed and discovered Deuce Bigalow playing. We watched it together, quoting the lines and laughing the whole time. It was almost as good as having him there beside me.

And even though we didn’t talk as much as we used to, I knew that he’d always be in my life. I really was a lucky girl.

I lifted my hair off the back of my neck, fanning myself. I was sweltering under my cap and gown. The dress I was wearing underneath was soaked in sweat. I hoped Mom and Dad wouldn’t mind coming back to the apartment with me so I could change.

There was a slight disturbance from behind me, then I felt cool fingers on the back of my neck.

“Hey,” a voice breathed in my ear, and I shuddered, still as affected by him as I had ever been. I turned around to find Maxx. He had pushed two graduates aside and made room for himself on a chair just behind me. His blue eyes were sparkling as he looked at me.

“What are you doing? You can’t be over here,” I chastised, grinning back at him.

“It’s only for a minute,” Maxx said, not bothered that he was causing a bit of a scene.

He leaned over and took hold of my arm, then slipped something onto my wrist. I looked down to see the silver cuff bracelet Jayme had given me.

I gave him a questioning smile. “I thought Jayme should be represented on such an important day,” he said, answering my silent question.

Shit. I was going to cry. And smear my makeup even worse than it already was.

“Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be,” he murmured, leaning in to kiss me.

“Stop quoting Browning and go find my parents,” I told him, though I was grinning broadly.

“I’ll see you after,” Maxx said, kissing me one more time.

I watched him slip through the crowd and make his way to the seat that Renee had saved for him. I remembered walking out of his apartment two years ago. I hadn’t been sure I could move forward with Maxx, given his betrayal. I was unable to forgive him right away. My heart had been wounded all over again.

In the end, though, I had held true to my promise and hadn’t walked away. Because he deserved better than that. We both did. We had fought too hard to not give it everything we had. And that included allowing myself to trust in the man who had already hurt me so much. The man who was trying to slay his demons for me. One vicious battle at a time.

But it hadn’t been easy. Learning to trust Maxx didn’t happen overnight. And there were days when I was still plagued with the doubts that had almost destroyed us before we had a chance to begin. But I had never been particularly fond of easy.

We had experienced some dark days on this path together. There were times he struggled with his dependence just as intensely as he had when he first stopped using. Even though he was relentless in his outpatient treatment, I knew that it would always be there. The addiction. It would be a part of him forever. It wasn’t one of those things he’d ever truly heal from.

But somehow, he was making it work. We both were. Together.

And then, a month ago, Maxx had just gotten his latest commission from his art installation piece in New York City and had wanted to go out and celebrate. He had established himself as X, the mysterious street artist whose works were selling for astronomical prices.

He had taken me to the cinema in town. The Doom Generation was playing. He had arranged everything. And in the darkened theater where we had had our first date, he had slipped a diamond ring onto my finger and asked me to be his wife. Of course I had said yes. I had never been able to say no to Maxx.

After graduation I planned to move into his apartment in the city. And when Landon came home on holidays from his art school in Philadelphia, he would stay in the spare room. And we’d spend Christmas with my parents and have dinner parties with friends. And we’d have the life we’d always wanted.

The one Maxx dreamed of.

The dream we had both longed for.

Things weren’t all sunshine and roses, and they never would be. We had to learn to accept the dark and ugly that would always be inside us. And when Maxx fell, I’d be behind him holding him up. And when I began to doubt, he’d be there reminding me of why I’d follow him anywhere. Because after all this time, I had learned that I could trust the man that I loved. I could trust in the love that had changed our lives.

And that was the only kind of happily ever after either of us needed.