Текст книги "Follow Me Back"

Автор книги: A. Meredith Walters

сообщить о нарушении

Текущая страница: 17 (всего у книги 22 страниц)

chapter

twenty-nine

aubrey

i felt right.

Perfect, even.

I had made peace with my parents. It was only the first step, but it was an important one. We still had a lot of baggage, but I felt we were finally putting the painful past behind us.

My mother wanted to know about my apartment and my friends. My dad asked about my classes and what the food was like at the commons. I was a junior in college and it was the first time my parents had asked about any of this. But at least they were asking now.

But then they wanted to know about the details of my suspension.

“The letter didn’t go into specifics. Only that you were found guilty of an ethical violation,” my mother stated, her brows furrowed in confusion.

“What does that even mean?” my father asked.

I sighed, wishing I didn’t have to go into this right now when we were starting the process of mending our relationship.

“I was facilitating a support group on campus to work toward my volunteer hours. I became . . . involved . . . with a member of the group,” I admitted, figuring it was best to be up front rather than drag it out.

“Involved?” my mother questioned.

“Yes. As in we were together. He was my boyfriend.”

My parents digested that piece of information. I looked at them and waited for their attack. They looked concerned. Upset. But not appalled.

“Is this person still in the picture? What about Maxx? I thought he was your boyfriend?” my father asked, confused.

I took a deep breath. “Maxx is the guy, Dad.”

My parents recoiled a bit in shock.

“You’re still involved with him? What about the counseling program? What about your future?” my mother asked, seeming horrified.

“Maxx is my future, Mom. And as for the counseling program, I’m . . . I’m not sure that’s where I belong anyway.”

Just then, at the worst possible moment, the front door opened, and Maxx came in with a shopping bag.

He lifted his hand in a wave, recognizing the strange tension in the room. My mother gave him a tight smile, but my dad called him into the room.

Maxx gave me a questioning look.

“We were talking about my suspension,” I filled in, and Maxx tried to cover his look of panic.

“Oh,” he replied shortly.

“Please have a seat, young man,” my father said, and I found that I had missed his overprotectiveness. Because I could see as clear as day he was about to go papa bear on poor Maxx.

“Our daughter was just filling us in about your history. And we have to say, we’re very concerned. Are you aware what Aubrey is putting on the line by continuing your relationship?” Mom asked.

Maxx squared his shoulders and faced my parents. “I know that Aubrey is an amazing woman that I love with my whole heart. And while I know to most people our relationship doesn’t make any sense, to us, it does. I’m a better man because of your daughter, and I have to believe that if she is willing to take the risk by being with me, then I have to do everything I can to be worth it.”

God, I loved him.

There wasn’t much more to say after that, and my parents had reluctantly dropped the subject.

The next day, after breakfast with my parents, I had decided to give Maxx a tour of Marshall Creek. He had seemed more than ready to get out of my parents’ house for a few hours.

“I don’t think I’ve seen you smile so much . . . ever,” Maxx commented after I had shown him my high school and the church where Jayme and I had been baptized.

“I don’t think I’ve smiled this much since I was seventeen,” I admitted, turning in to the small parking lot of a tiny diner in the center of town. Maxx held the door open for me as I walked into Sunset Café, a Marshall Creek staple that had been slinging burgers and fries since the fifties.

After we grabbed a table, I looked up automatically at the chime of the bell above the door and noticed a tall, thin young man with dark hair to his shoulders walking in. He moved with a swagger that indicated total self-confidence.

He hadn’t changed.

Not in three years.

I hated him for it.

Because Blake Fields deserved to have the weight of his actions destroy his life the way they had destroyed my sister’s.

But there he was, looking healthy and alive.

God, I fucking loathed him.

“Aubrey,” Maxx was saying, but I barely heard him.

All I could do was watch the person who was responsible for the death of my sister turn to a girl who had followed him into the diner and put his arm around her, pulling her close.

He smiled down at her, and she reached up on her tiptoes to kiss his mouth. He smoothed the hair back from her forehead and smiled down at her in a way I had never seen him smile at Jayme.

“Aubrey!” Maxx said again, but I ignored him.

Before I realized what I was doing, I was on my feet and moving toward the front of the diner. Blake and his girlfriend were looking around, obviously trying to find a place to sit. Neither saw me approach. It wasn’t until I stopped in front of him that Blake bothered to look at me at all.

I saw his puzzled frown and knew he was trying to place me. I could see that I was familiar to him, but he couldn’t figure out how he knew me.

“Uh . . . hey?” he said, posing his statement more as a question. His girlfriend looked at me, then at Blake, seeming confused.

I swallowed, feeling suddenly nauseous.

I wanted to punch him in his smug face. I wanted to rip the hair from his head. I wanted to break every bone in his pathetic body and leave him to die in a dirty alley just as he had left my sister.

I thought of a million ways to kill the man who stood before me. A million horrific, painful ways to inflict on him the same torture he had unwittingly inflicted on my family by simply being the person he was.

A manipulative, cowardly drug dealer.

I still hadn’t moved. I blocked their way into the diner. I opened my mouth to scream. To yell. To hurl insults and threats into his face.

Blake cocked his head to the side, looking more and more confused.

He was alive.

My sister was dead.

And there was no changing that.

“I’m Aubrey Duncan,” I said, my voice soft and crushed. Blake frowned, uncertain, still not able to figure out who I was.

I felt Maxx come up behind me and put his hand on my arm. “Who is this?” he whispered in my ear, but I shook him off.

Blake’s girlfriend gripped his arm and looked up at him. “What’s going on, Blake?” she asked, seeming irritated.

Blake’s frown deepened. “Am I supposed to know you?”

“I’m Jayme’s sister,” I said, choking on the words as they passed my lips.

My statement hit Blake with the force of a punch to the jaw. He flinched, his face paling. He took a step backward, away from me.

I stared at him, wanting to say so much more. I wanted to tell him how I blamed his thoughtless actions for the destruction of my family. I wanted to remind him of his selfishness that had killed the person I had loved.

But seeing the look on Blake’s face, I didn’t need to.

“I’m sorry,” he let out in an agonized rush, his face crumpling.

We stood there, Blake and me, two people irrevocably connected by the girl we had both lost.

“Why did you leave her there?” I asked. Because that was what haunted me the most. The thought that this asshole had left my baby sister to die. Alone.

Blake’s girlfriend tugged on his arm, trying to get his attention, but he was focused on me. I knew we were making a scene. I could feel people looking at us, but I didn’t care. I was vaguely aware of Maxx’s warm hand on my skin, but I couldn’t look away from this pathetic man in front of me.

Blake moved forward a step, then stopped. He dropped his girlfriend’s hand, as though he didn’t remember she was still there. We were both stuck in a quagmire of heartache.

“I didn’t know!” he implored, his hands becoming fists at his sides.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I demanded, not caring that my voice was rising and I was the center of attention.

“Aubrey, this probably isn’t the place to do this,” Maxx said, curling his hand around my upper arm and trying to pull me back.

I resisted and continued to stare at Blake, who had gone white.

“We had gotten into a fight. She saw me—” Blake cast a quick look around. “I was doing some fucked-up shit that I shouldn’t have been doing. And she got upset. I tried to get her to leave with me but she refused.”

“So you left her there! Alone with a bunch of druggies!” I accused, feeling my throat starting to constrict painfully.

“I wasn’t thinking! I was stupid and fucked up and I just thought we’d talk about it in the morning and everything would be fine!” Blake’s eyes filled with tears, and I was shocked to see them drip down his face.

“I didn’t know that would be the last time I saw her! I didn’t know that the last thing she’d ever say to me was that she hated me!” Blake’s voice cracked, and he ended on a sob.

I was rendered completely speechless. I had often wondered about that last night of my sister’s life. I had hated and vilified the man standing in front of me for so long. But watching him wipe his tears, I could see that he, too, was broken. That even though there was a girl by his side, he still struggled with losing Jayme.

Just as I did.

“God, I’m so sorry! I know I should never have taken her there. That I should have made her leave with me! I wonder every day what would have happened if I had made a different choice that night.”

“Well, she wouldn’t be six feet under the ground, would she?” I asked coldly.

Blake made a choking sound and shook his head, his dark hair falling in his face.

“I loved her, too. I loved her so much,” he half spoke, half cried, and suddenly it was too much.

I could see, all too clearly, that Jayme’s death had destroyed something in him as well. Something he’d never get back, or ever recover from. Blake Fields, at the heart of everything, was just as messed up, just as damaged, as the rest of us.

But he was still an asshole. He was still the guy who had manipulated and degraded my sister.

Without saying another word, I pushed past Blake and ran out to the parking lot.

I pulled my keys out of my pocket and got into my car. Maxx barely had time to get in before I was throwing the gearshift into reverse and driving blindly away.

I felt the stickiness of tears drying on my face but did nothing to wipe them away. Images of my sister slammed into me like a freight train.

My grief ripped into me, tearing me open. The desolation I had felt so acutely in those first few weeks after her passing flooded over me all over again. This is why I never came home. This is exactly what I had been afraid would happen. I wanted to shove the pain back down where it belonged. Tiny, compact, and out of the way. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I was in a mindless frenzy of grief.

This was the problem with suppressing emotion. When you finally allowed yourself to feel again, you were ill equipped to handle the good and the bad. You were left unable to cope with the ebbs and flows. You shattered too easily.

“Stop the car, Aubrey,” Maxx said firmly but softly.

I kept driving crazily, not really seeing where I was going.

“Aubrey, seriously, pull over.”

I jerked the steering wheel to the right and threw the car into park, not paying attention to where I was.

“It’s okay. It’s okay to let it go,” Maxx was saying, but it sounded like he was shouting from the end of a tunnel. My blood rushed in my ears, and I worried I might pass out.

“I’ve hated him for so long. I’ve blamed him for what happened. He was a fucking drug dealer.” I barely acknowledged the way Maxx balked at my brutal assessment.

“He got her hooked on drugs and then took her to that place where she died! I’ve never allowed myself to see him as anything other than a selfish bastard.” I took a deep breath and looked at Maxx, who seemed to be bracing himself for something.

“And he’s all of those things. Each and every one of them. But  . . . what’s the point of blaming him? It won’t bring Jayme back. And it doesn’t change the fact that Jayme made her own choices that night. Stupid, horrible choices that cost her her life. I can’t walk around with this hole in my heart.” I put my hand over my chest. “I hurt, Maxx. So much. Losing Jayme turned me into someone I didn’t recognize. It destroyed my family. My relationship with my parents.”

Maxx cupped my cheek with his hand, his thumb stroking the curve of my face. “I’m tired of it. I’m tired of the pain. The resentment. The bitterness. I’m tired of hating Blake and keeping my parents at arm’s length.” I bowed my head. “I’m tired of being scared of you and this thing between us. I’m ready to be happy. To live life the way it’s meant to be lived.

“I can admit that there was a part of you that reminded me of Blake. Even as I loved you, I hated that side of who you were. It disgusted me even as I was drawn to you.” I took a deep breath before continuing.

“But Blake was just a screwed-up kid. You were screwed up. You made some shitty choices. You were selfish. You were self-centered. But you were broken, too. And it’s hard to resent someone who is as lost as I am.”

And I felt it. That instant when the weight that had taken up residence in the center of my chest all those years ago actually started to lessen.

For the first time, I felt . . . lighter.

I looked up at the man I had gone to hell for. “I love you, Maxx. I went down this scary, dark path with you, and I thought you’d drown me.” I sniffled rather inelegantly, but I didn’t care.

I kissed his mouth softly . . . gently. “I was terrified of everything you were. Everything that you did. But I couldn’t stay away from you. And then the worst happened, and I thought the best thing I could do was walk away and never look back.” Maxx’s eyes were reddened and wet, and I could feel the fine tremors in his hands as he held my face. He was silent, not saying anything, letting me say my piece.

“But I was wrong. And I’ve never been so glad to be wrong in all my life. We belong together. Today. Tomorrow. Forever. Because you made it impossible for me to shut down. You reached down inside of me and yanked the heart I had almost forgotten I had to the surface, dripping and bleeding but still beating.” I closed my eyes, overcome with emotion. But when I opened my eyes again, I was smiling, tears staining my cheeks. “You’ve shown me what it means to truly live, Maxx.”

He made a noise in the back of his throat, and then he was kissing me.

He was healing me.

He was giving me my future.

And I walked toward it happily and for the first time in a long time . . . with hope.

chapter

thirty

maxx

going to North Carolina with Aubrey had seemed like such a good idea.

But what I was left with in the end was a reminder of who I really was at my roots. In my dark, twisted heart.

I couldn’t stop thinking about Blake, her sister’s ex. He was a conceited little punk with an arm full of track marks and teeth rotting from meth use. He was obviously the worst kind of druggie. The forsaken kind. The type with no future.

I had looked at Blake Fields and seen myself.

The person I had been for a long time.

Aubrey had looked at him with so much disgust, and in that moment I didn’t see a whole lot of difference between him and me.

And I hated myself all over again.

Aubrey left her parents’ house happier than I had ever seen her. We talked the whole way home, but I couldn’t get rid of the heavy weight in my chest.

The fear that I’d lose her. That she’d wake up one morning and remember that I was just like Blake. A sad, sorry loser.

I took Aubrey’s bag as we walked up the steps to my apartment. The bass from my neighbor’s stereo was blasting. I unlocked the door and turned on the light.

Aubrey dropped onto the couch and stretched her arms above her head. “I’m exhausted,” she said with a yawn.

I joined her on the sofa and pulled her into my arms. It still amazed me how easily she fit against my body, like we were two pieces of the same puzzle. Yeah, it was cheesy as hell, but true.

“You seem happy,” I observed, kissing the top of her head.

Aubrey pulled back and looked up at me. “I am, Maxx. I really am. I feel like finally, after all this time, things are falling into place. Don’t you feel it?”

No, I didn’t. But damn, I wanted to.

I woke up every morning with my stomach a knot of anxiety as my mind drifted to drugs. To bills. To a thousand ways I could fail.

But looking in Aubrey’s blue eyes, shining and bright, I could believe that she was right. That maybe we were finally getting to where we needed to be.

I stood up and grabbed her hand, pulling her to her feet. “Whoa, what are you doing?” she asked with a lopsided grin.

I kissed her mouth, hard, and then practically dragged her down the hallway to my bedroom.

Once inside, I didn’t bother to turn on the lights. I was too frantic for her. I made quick work of our clothes and soon had her naked on the bed underneath me. I looked down at her in the shadowed darkness and felt, for a moment, exactly what she had been talking about.

I felt myself coming together. I quickly put on a condom and buried myself deep inside her. There were times when I made love to Aubrey that I couldn’t get deep enough. No matter how much I touched her, it was never enough.

Aubrey arched her back, and I lifted her hips as I glided in and out of her body. I leaned over and kissed a trail from her belly button to her breasts. I loved her body. I loved the way she made me feel like I was the only person in the world. To Aubrey Duncan, I mattered.

“Oh, God, Maxx!” Aubrey moaned loudly. Her flushed skin was hot to the touch and drove me mad. I slammed into her over and over again until I felt the moment that I could finally let go.

And I did.

Afterward, as the sweat dried and I lazily kissed her fingers, I thought that just maybe, everything would be okay. I felt optimistic about finding a job and making money. That I’d be able to provide for the woman I loved. That we’d make a life together.

I ran my hand down her back, listening to her soft breaths, and felt such an intense love I thought I’d strangle on it.

“I love you, Maxx,” she murmured against my skin, placing soft kisses on my chest.

“We’ll be together forever, right?” I asked a little desperately, holding her tight against me. I needed her reassurance. Needed it more than air.

Aubrey propped her chin on my chest and looked up at me through thick lashes framing hooded eyes. Her smile was tired but content. “Forever, Maxx. We’ll be together forever,” she promised before lying back down.

I stared up at my ceiling for a while after that, lost in half-crazy thoughts.

My heart clenched painfully and the optimism I had been feeling dwindled away.

“When did you come and clean my apartment?” I asked her suddenly.

Aubrey rolled off me and onto her back, her hair fanning across the pillow. She rolled her head to the side and looked at me with a bemused expression. “When did I clean your apartment?”

I reached out to trace a line between her breasts, flattening my palm over her stomach. I thought about putting a life inside of her. Of branding her in a way that was life altering and permanent.

I had never thought about being a father before. But with Aubrey I thought about it a lot. Of getting married and buying a house. Filling it with children.

What sort of father would I be?

How would I ever be able to provide for a family when I couldn’t get more than a minimum-wage job?

“When I was in rehab you came by. You cleaned my apartment, didn’t you?” I wasn’t sure why I was pushing to know. Maybe I just needed a reminder that if Aubrey was willing to take the risk to be with me, then she loved me in spite of everything I had put her through. And I needed to take some risks of my own.

Aubrey stretched her hand out and ran her fingers up my side, making me squirm. “Yes, I came by. I was a wreck, Maxx. I had lost you. I had been suspended from the counseling program. It was a dark, dark time for me. But somehow I ended up here. And you know what?”

I grabbed ahold of her hand and pulled her close. “What?”

“I felt better just being here. I felt at peace. How crazy is it that after everything we put each other through, I would feel safest in your home?”

I ran my thumb along the curve of her jaw, her words hurting me, though I knew she hadn’t meant for them to.

“It’s crazy, all right.”

“Maxx.” I opened my apartment door two days later to find my landlord standing on the stoop.

“Mr. Reese. Hi,” I said, opening the door wider to let him come in.

“I don’t need to come inside. I’m here to give you this,” he said, handing me an envelope.

I didn’t need to open it to know what it was.

It was my formal eviction notice.

“You’ve got thirty days to come up with the outstanding rent, or you’ll have to vacate the premises. I’ve tried to be reasonable here, son, but I’m not in the landlord business out of the kindness of my heart. I’ve got kids. I’ve got a wife. I’ve got shit to pay for. So you’ll need to cough up the cash or find somewhere else to live,” Mr. Reese said gruffly.

I opened the envelope and looked down at the overdue amount that I owed him: fifteen hundred dollars. Shit. Shit. Shit. There was no way I was going to come up with that kind of money.

I had used the rest of my paycheck from the coffee shop to pay my electric bill and to take Landon out to dinner. I had stupidly bought him the controller I had promised, refusing to think about the thousand other things I had to pay for.

Because it had made my brother happy, and that was something I wasn’t willing to pass up.

“I get it, thanks for bringing this by,” I said with sarcasm.

Mr. Reese smoothed his greasy comb-over and grimaced. “Look, you seem like a nice kid, Maxx. I hate to do it to ya, but like I said, we all have bills to pay.”

He wasn’t telling me anything that I didn’t already know.

After Mr. Reese left I sat on my sofa feeling numb.

What was I going to do?

I was failing.

Miserably.

And worse, I was disappearing in the process.

I had been forcing myself into becoming a changed man to the point that I was beginning to lose all sense of myself.

What the fuck was I doing?

I was in a pretty bleak place. Imminent homelessness will do that to you.

“Yo, Maxx! Open up!” Marco’s voice yelled from the other side of the door sometime later.

I thought about ignoring him. But knowing Marco, he’d just stand out there making a racket until I let him in.

Stupid bastard.

“What the hell do you want?” I barked, wrenching open the door.

Marco held his hands up. “Dude, chill out!” He shoved a wad of cash into my hands.

I looked down at it in surprise.

“Now smile, because money puts everyone in a good mood,” Marco said, pushing past me like he always did.

I stood there in the open doorway and counted the money: five hundred dollars.

“What’s this for?” I asked.

Marco rolled his eyes. “Have all those drugs addled your brain? It’s for the scouting last week. I told you I’d be bringing it by. You ready to go do it again?”

I stared down at the money in my hand. Five hundred dollars was a lot of money, but it wasn’t nearly enough. I thought about my dead-end job at the Coffee Jerk and knew that I’d never be able to survive on what I was making.

I thought about Aubrey and all her talks of our future. I thought of Landon going off to art school next year.

I needed more.

A hell of a lot more.

“Yeah, let’s go. Then can you take me to Gash’s office? I need to talk to him,” I said, grabbing my empty wallet and shoving it into my pocket.

Marco let out a little whoop. “Hell, yeah! You comin’ back to the club?”

“Just come on. We’ll talk about it later.”

“Well, if it isn’t the prodigal son,” Gash mused from behind his desk in his crappy office. I set my mouth and gave him a short nod.

Gash looked at Marco and narrowed his eyes. “You can wait in the hall. And shut the door when you leave,” he commanded.

Marco looked surprised. “But—”

“But nothin’. This is between X and me. I don’t want a fucking audience. Your ass buddy will be out in a minute.”

Marco didn’t argue. No one ever argued with Gash.

When Marco had left and shut the door, Gash pointed to one of the seats in front of his desk. “Sit,” he ordered.

I sat down in the chair. “I was glad you took my offer to scout again. You have the best eye. The last dickhead didn’t stick around for very long.” I was shocked by Gash’s praise. He wasn’t one to give it willingly.

“Yeah, well, I needed the cash.” No sense beating around the bush. I wanted to get to the point for my impromptu visit.

“So Marco tells me,” Gash said, leaning back in his chair and crossing his hands over his belly, wearing a self-satisfied smirk. He knew my weaknesses. He had made a living on exploiting people. He knew he could get me through my vices: cash, power, and drugs.

“I’m guessing that while the money you get from scouting helps some, it’s not nearly enough. Am I right?” he asked, his smirk irking me.

I cleared my throat, hardly able to believe I was groveling to this shit stain for help. I had sworn I’d never set foot in the club again. That my new life had no place for the world I used to live in.

But that was before I had been given an eviction notice. That was before I had been reminded of how impossible it would be for me to support the woman I loved in the way I wanted to.

I needed money. Desperately. I wanted to take care of the people I loved. How could I do that if I couldn’t even take care of myself?

“Do you have any jobs around the club where I could make some extra scratch? Bartending? Bouncer? I’m not picky.” I hated eating crow. I choked on it.

Gash’s smile widened.

“I’ve cut a lot of jobs lately. I’m not sure if Marco told you or not.”

I fidgeted in my seat. “Yeah, he mentioned something like that.”

“I don’t have any extra jobs like that to hand out. Particularly to someone who has proven they’re not entirely trustworthy.” Damn, he was enjoying this.

And it reminded me of how much I hated him.

“But . . .” Gash trailed off as he opened a drawer in his desk.

He pulled out a Ziploc bag and dropped it in front of me.

I didn’t touch it, even though my fingers started to itch with the desire to grab it and run. I could see the pills gleaming white under the overhead light.

“I told Marco—” I began, barely able to get the words out.

“I know what you told Marco, and I respected that. I’m just telling you the only job I have left is the one you walked away from.”

My nostrils flared, and I started to salivate.

This was a really bad idea.

I’m right here, where you left me, Maxx. I’ve missed you.

The voice taunted me just as it always had.

“No. I can’t,” I responded emphatically, proud of myself for turning down the temptation.

Gash opened the bag and pulled out a handful of pills. They were a variety of prescription narcotics, my drug of choice. He grabbed an envelope and dumped them inside, carefully licking the seam and closing it.

“You know as well as I do how much money you can make. It doesn’t have to be a regular thing, X. Just once or twice. You know, to pay off your bills. Until you can find a better job.” Gash pushed the envelope containing the pills across the desk.

“Just think about it. But not too long. I need to unload this shipment this weekend. This is some grade-A shit from California. It’ll bring top dollar, and I’d like my best people getting it out there. And X, there’s no one better than you, and we both know it.”

His flattery didn’t matter.

All I could see was the envelope containing those tiny, soul-destroying pills.

“Take ’em. Consider it your signing bonus.” Gash laughed, a horrible sound.

“I’m not saying I’ll do it,” I hedged, hearing the weakness in my ears.

“We both know that’s a fucking lie.” Gash laughed again, obviously finding my hesitance really funny.

My hand darted out and grabbed the envelope, folding it in half and shoving it into my pocket.

I got to my feet and hurried to the door.

Going there had been a really bad idea.

But I was a man out of choices. And the worst ones were starting to seem like the best ones.

“Let Marco know by Thursday. But you can keep the pills, Maxx. You look like you need them,” Gash called out as I pulled open the door.

I felt as though I had made a deal with the devil and there was no going back.

Not now.

Not ever.