Текст книги "Follow Me Back"

Автор книги: A. Meredith Walters

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Текущая страница: 13 (всего у книги 22 страниц)

chapter

twenty-two

aubrey

i was confused. No, I was more than confused. I was disoriented.

Maxx’s kiss had thrown me. I should have predicted it. What had I expected would happen? That we’d sit around and knit a freaking sweater?

He had seemed so upset after getting the news that his hours were being cut at the stable, and I hurt for him. He’d pulled me in with his sad desperation, just as he always had. So much for my so-called hardened heart. Now here I was, several days later, still bothered by his sadness.

I showed up early to my Boundaries and Ethics class so I could have my weekly slip signed off for Dr. Lowell. I suppressed my abject humiliation at being treated like a naughty grade-schooler who has to have her work approved.

“Hey, Aubrey.”

I looked up to see April taking her now-usual seat beside me. I had spent the last few classes trying to ignore her to keep my distance from Evan intact, but I was too tired to maintain my active silence. “Hey, April. How are you?”

April gave me a startled look. “Uh, fine, thanks. How are you?” she asked, the conversation stilted. April didn’t seem to know what to say, and I wondered when was the last time she had been asked that question.

“Not bad. Did you do the reading last night?”

“Yeah, but I’m not sure I understood any of it. This stuff is over my head. I audited this class thinking it would be an interesting filler. I quit my job, which I wasn’t happy about. But I realized I had some time to kill, so I thought why not. But it’s way more work than I thought it would be,” April said on a sigh.

“Sorry about the job. That sucks,” I said sympathetically with a grimace.

“Yeah. It does. But I should have probably quit a long time ago. It’s for the best,” she said, as though repeating something she had been told many times before.

My curiosity was piqued. “Why is it for the best? Where were you working?”

“I was a cashier at the independent bookstore on Maple Drive,” April said.

“I love that place! That sounds like a great job! Why in the world would you want to quit working there?” I asked.

April chewed on her bottom lip, sucking the small silver ring into her mouth. “Evan didn’t like my boss. It created . . . problems,” she answered hesitantly.

I could imagine what sort of problems Evan created. I got the feeling that April didn’t want to talk about it, and I wasn’t going to press her for personal details.

“Yeah, so this class is no cakewalk, that’s for sure,” I continued, as though she hadn’t mentioned Evan or her job.

“Yeah, I’ve heard,” April said, giving me the hint of a smile.

“I barely scraped by with a B the last time I took it,” I told her without thinking.

April frowned, cocking her head to the side.

“You’ve taken this class already and passed? Then why in the world are you taking it again?” she asked incredulously, and I realized my mistake.

“You’re just a masochist like the rest of us, huh?” She giggled, and I couldn’t help but wonder if we might have been friends under different circumstances. I could see a glimmer of the person she could be if she wasn’t with Evan, and I wondered why she stayed with someone who sucked away all elements of her personality.

My mind immediately went to my best friend and the girl she had become when she had been dating Devon.

“Damn, my cover’s been blown,” I joked, smiling back. April laughed, and it was an infectious sort of sound that made me hate her boyfriend more than I already did for taking that joy away from her. The professor began his lecture, and I was pulled from my surprisingly enjoyable conversation.

At the end of class, I packed up my stuff and noticed that April was waiting for me. I gave her a questioning glance. She picked at her textbook and started sucking on her lip ring again. “So, we have that test next week,” she began.

“Yeah, it’s going to be a killer, too. So I recommend studying your ass off,” I replied offhandedly, throwing my bag over my shoulder and heading out of the room.

April scurried behind me to keep up with my longer strides. “Do you think we can study together? Because I’m lost. I don’t understand any of this,” she suggested, a note of pleading in her voice.

I stopped before leaving the building. I could see Evan standing impatiently just outside the door, a cigarette hanging from his mouth and a glower already pinned to his face.

“Yeah, I don’t think that would be such a great idea,” I said pointedly, nodding my head toward her boyfriend on the other side of the glass.

April noticeably deflated and seemed to shrink in on herself at the sight of Evan. Her shoulders sagged, and her eyes focused on the floor. “Yeah, you’re probably right,” she muttered, barely audible.

I felt myself get angry. Really, really angry.

It wasn’t right that April was allowing herself to be controlled by this guy. I thought of Renee kissing Devon, and I felt an almost murderous rage. At April. At Renee. At every girl who let herself be dictated by the moods and whims of the person who claimed to love her.

And that included me.

I squared my shoulders and shook my head. “You know what, let’s study together. We can meet at the library. That shouldn’t be a problem, right?” I asked, and April looked up through her eyelashes. She seemed so small and timid. Like a dog that had been kicked one too many times.

“I would really like that, Aubrey,” she said, her lips trembling, as if afraid to smile. I wanted to punch the abusive dick standing just outside.

“Great. Then let’s get together tomorrow evening—”

“What the fuck is taking you so long?” a voice barked, the door slamming open and ricocheting off the wall.

April instantly recoiled. Her eyes glazed over and her shoulders went up, her chin tucking into her chest as though bracing herself for a blow.

Evan glared down at his tardy girlfriend, clearly expecting an immediate answer. But April had gone mute, incapable of speaking, let alone explaining herself.

Then he realized I was also standing there.

“What the hell do you want, bitch?” he asked, his lip curling up in a disgusted sneer.

I looked him straight in the eye. “None of your damn business,” I responded slowly, succinctly.

Evan’s face flushed red, his jaw ticking, his eyes darkening. I had pissed him off. I got the impression he wasn’t used to having anyone talk back to him.

“You’d better watch your mouth, girlie. I’d hate to see it wiped right off your face.”

Was this guy for real? A month ago I would have most likely trembled at being confronted in such an aggressive manner. But not now.

I crossed my arms over my chest and arched my eyebrow. “You do know that sort of language can be construed as threatening and abusive. And someone with your colorful legal history should know that you can get into quite a bit of trouble for that sort of thing.”

Who is this girl? I barely recognized her. But I really, really liked her. Evan looked apoplectic. April’s face had paled, and her eyes pleaded with me to shut up. To stop goading this very angry tiger.

Fuck that.

“You will not speak to me in a threatening or derogatory way ever again. I’m not sure who pissed in your cornflakes, but it certainly wasn’t me. And whatever hard-on you have for me, you need to check it before I decide to report to someone exactly how you’ve been harassing me.” I inclined my head just the slightest and dropped my voice until it was soft, barely above a whisper, but the words held a strength as though I had shouted them.

“You’re not the only one who can make threats. And you’re not the only one who can report things and mess up someone’s life.”

Evan opened his mouth, and I had no doubt a string of violent profanities was ready to spew forth, but I wasn’t about to hear them. I looked at April, needing to communicate a silent apology for whatever my tirade would mean for her later, but she was looking staunchly at the floor.

Knowing I had only seconds to make my escape, I pushed open the door and started down the stairs, proud of how well I had handled that extremely unpleasant situation. Then I was grabbed by the back of my shirt. My hair was caught in the tight fist at my back and my head jerked viciously. I was then wrenched down the steps until we both stood on the sidewalk.

“You fucking bitch!” Evan roared, and I knew that he had every intention of using the fist he had digging into my back on my face.

I looked around, hoping to see someone . . . anyone. But unfortunately we were alone. It was getting later, and the campus was growing quiet as people left for the day. I silently cursed the tiny campus community. Normally I appreciated the lack of crowds, but not now. Not when I was terrified.

I opened my mouth to scream, but the sound got lost in my throat as I saw the murder in Evan’s eyes. He was one scary dude, that’s for sure.

“You act like a bitch, you get treated like a bitch,” Evan spat into my face, leaning over me.

“Evan! Stop it!” April screeched, and even though I was most certainly facing extreme bodily harm, I couldn’t help but be shocked by the fact that she had finally found her voice.

Evan was beside me, breathing loudly, and he pointed at his girlfriend, who stood at the top of the stairs, trembling. “You’re fucking next!” he shouted.

How could no one hear what was going on? Shouldn’t the sound of shouting alert someone to a situation? I had never felt so horribly alone. And so absolutely petrified.

Evan swung back around to look at me, his face nauseatingly close to mine. I could smell the nachos he must have had for lunch as well as the putrid stench of stale smoke. There was a good chance I would vomit. And I wanted to. I wanted to be sick all over the fucking bastard.

“You’ve messed with the wrong guy, you prissy cunt.” He sneered, and then he was stumbling backward.

Because Evan wasn’t standing in front of me anymore. He was on the ground, and there was someone standing over him, fists colliding with skin. Over and over again. Evan tried to get to his feet to defend himself but was promptly dropped back on his ass with a punch to the jaw.

“I warned you once and you didn’t fucking listen!” Maxx yelled as he brought his arm back and let it fly, fist connecting with face. The sickening thud of flesh and bone made my stomach turn, and April screamed again.

Evan scrambled backward and held his hands up, trying to protect himself. He had given up on trying to fight back, and now he was simply trying to stop himself from bleeding any more.

Maxx was a machine of violence. He kept hitting Evan. I experienced a horrible sense of satisfaction seeing Evan whimper in the dirt, but then I realized the potential implications of what was happening.

The last thing Maxx needed was to get into any more trouble. Particularly since he was most likely still on probation. I chanced grabbing ahold of his arm. “Maxx! Stop!” I yelled, pushing myself up against him. Maxx fought against my grip, still trying to get to a cowering Evan, who wasn’t so big and threatening anymore.

Now he was a crying heap of pathetic.

“You do not need an assault-and-battery charge. Please, just stop!” My voice was shrill in my own ears, and I was feeling adrenaline rush through me. I started shaking as I realized everything that had just happened.

Shit, I was going to lose it.

Maxx seemed to instinctually recognize my changed demeanor. He dropped Evan and immediately turned, his hands coming up to frame my face. “Are you okay? What did that fucker do to you?” he demanded, his voice harsh, but his touch gentle. His thumbs stroked the tender skin of my jaw, and I felt the sharp sting of tears in my eyes.

“I’m going to kill him,” he whispered, his eyes narrowing, and I knew he meant it. Before Maxx could go after Evan again, I gripped his arms as hard as possible.

“I need to go home,” I said in an agonized whisper, my hands shaking so badly that I could barely hold on to him anymore. My bag fell from my limp hands and dumped out onto the ground at my feet. Maxx’s eyes clouded with concern, and I saw smears of red on his knuckles as he reached down to collect my things. The sight of Evan’s blood on his hands caused my stomach to heave.

“I need to leave,” I repeated, and swallowed bile thick in my throat.

Maxx put his arm around my shoulders, holding me up. “Of course. Let’s get you home,” he said softly in my ear, steering me away from Evan, still lying on the ground. I looked up to where April had been standing and saw that she was gone.

“Will he be all right?” I said. I don’t know why I cared. But Evan hadn’t been moving, and I really only worried about Maxx getting into trouble for intervening. Though my mind wouldn’t let me even begin to think about what would have happened had Maxx not shown up when he had.

“Fuck him,” Maxx said with a vehemence that shook my already trembling body. I didn’t say anything else as we walked across campus toward the south-end parking lot. “My apartment’s back that way,” I said, pointing in the direction we had come.

“I know. But I’m driving you. You can’t walk home right now.” Maxx held his car door open for me as I got in. I wasn’t about to argue with him, because he was right. I didn’t think my feet could make the journey.

I leaned my head against the window and closed my eyes, not opening them again until Maxx pulled up in front of my apartment building. I got out, not wanting to feel like a complete loser by having him help me up the stairs. Even if I was shaking so badly my teeth were chattering.

Shit.

Evan had wanted to hurt me. I had never seen such cold hatred in someone’s eyes. I should report him to campus police. But what would that mean for Maxx? Evan wouldn’t let himself go down alone. He’d pull Maxx right down with him. Of that, I was certain.

Maxx fished my keys out of the side pocket of my bag and unlocked the door. He took my messenger bag and dropped it onto the couch. I didn’t say anything. I pushed open my bedroom door and kicked off my shoes. I sat down on the edge of my bed and stared blankly at the wall.

Maxx stood just inside the entryway, as though not sure what he should do.

“I think I just want to close my eyes for a bit,” I said tiredly.

I didn’t wait for Maxx to say anything. I crawled up onto my bed and tucked my hands underneath my head, curling into a ball. My body shook and I felt like I should cry. But I didn’t want to give Evan any of my tears. That asshole didn’t deserve them.

After a few minutes, my bed dipped and I felt Maxx lie down beside me. He didn’t touch me, but I could feel his body heat against my back. The sound of the hypnotic rhythm of his breathing lulled me to sleep.

chapter

twenty-three

aubrey

i woke up feeling groggy and winced as I moved my arms. My muscles felt bruised, and it took me a minute to remember everything that had happened earlier.

Evan and the horrific scene after class. And Maxx.

I sat up abruptly, pushing aside a blanket that hadn’t been there when I had fallen asleep. My room had grown darker, and I could see the soft glow of my alarm clock displaying the time. It was just after eight in the evening.

Crap! I had slept for almost three hours!

I heard a soft exhale of breath, and I looked over to see Maxx curled onto his side. His hair was messy and fell onto his forehead. He had one hand tucked beneath his cheek and the other reaching outward.

He looked incredibly young. Vulnerable, even.

My heart twisted and turned painfully as I watched him sleep. Love that had never gone away re-ignited unobstructed in my chest.

I knew I should push it away, seal it back into the box I had tucked it away in. But I couldn’t.

Not now.

Maybe I was still in a state of shock. Maybe I wasn’t thinking clearly, given the horrific experience I had just gone through. Whatever the reasons, I found myself once again drawn toward the very person I knew I should stay away from.

Without thinking about what I was doing, I slowly lifted my fingers and let them hover above his skin. I wanted to sweep his hair back and feel the soft strands.

But I couldn’t let myself touch him. Even as my fingers tingled with the need to.

I wanted to lie back down beside him. To press myself against him the way I had done so many times before. To fall back into that crazy, passionate place that had dominated my life.

My heart demanded that I never let this man leave my side again. That he belonged there. He would always belong there.

But my head said something else entirely. It warned me of the price of loving him.

But was it a price I’d be willing to pay?

I thought about Renee. And Brooks. And Dr. Lowell. The people who believed in me. The ones who gave me my second chance.

I wouldn’t be disappointing just myself if I allowed this to happen.

But having him here, after what had happened, made my emotions run high. Irrational emotions that had always gotten me into trouble.

I wanted to be smarter. I wanted to be strong and turn away.

I was struggling.

Maxx’s lips quirked into a sleepy smile, and his eyes slowly drifted open. “The whole watching-someone-while-they-sleep thing is a little creepy, you know.”

I blushed, embarrassed at having been caught.

I cleared my throat and looked away. “Yeah, well, you have drool caked to the side of your face.”

Maxx frowned and wiped at his cheek, and I couldn’t help but grin. He rolled his eyes. “You’re hysterical, Aubrey,” he deadpanned.

I smirked, chuckling to myself before sobering. “You shouldn’t have stayed,” I told him firmly but quietly.

I sounded ungrateful, and I knew that. But it was my last-ditch effort to keep him at arm’s length. Because I knew all too well there was a very big difference between doing what was right and doing what felt right.

Maxx sat up. His hair was mussed, and there were fine red lines along his jaw from the crease of the pillow. There was something rugged and raw about his face that made it impossible to look away.

“There was no way I would have left you, even if you had tried to make me.” His eyes flashed vehemently, and I believed him.

“I know,” I sighed.

Maxx ran his hand over his face before looking at me again.

“I think you need to report Evan.”

“If I did, what would happen to you?” I asked. Maxx frowned, looking confused.

“You beat the crap out of him, Maxx. You don’t think he’d jump at the chance to take you down with him?” I continued.

“That’s ridiculous, Aubrey!” Maxx fumed.

I held my hand up, silencing him. “It is what it is, Maxx. You know I’m right.”

I hated remaining silent about what Evan had done. It felt wrong, and in a way like I was letting him win.

I thought about April and knew without a doubt that what I had experienced at his hand was most likely mild in comparison to what she had been through.

An abusive bully like that needed to be dealt with. But I knew sacrificing Maxx to do it wasn’t an option I was okay with.

Maxx looked at me like I had lost my mind. “Do you think I honestly give a rat’s ass about that? I can handle what happens to me. But you sure as hell can’t let him get away with what he did to you. It’s not right!” he said emphatically, as though reading my mind.

I shook my head, knowing he wouldn’t be able to change my mind. “I don’t think he’ll mess with me again. Not after you nearly put his head through the concrete,” I said with a small smile, trying to lighten the mood. If that was at all possible.

Maxx let out an exasperated breath. “You have to stop trying to save me, Aubrey,” he said, his words hanging in the air with the weight of uncomfortable truth.

“That’s not fair, Maxx, and more than a little messed up for you to say!” I bit out, feeling tears that had refused to fall earlier prick my eyes, even as I fought against them. I was exhausted. I was exposed. I was going down fast.

Maxx slid across the bed until only inches separated us. He slowly reached for my hands, enfolding them between his.

“No, that wasn’t fair. But it’s the truth. You can’t help me at the expense of yourself. You have to come first . . . not just this time, but all the time. I love you too much to have you throw away your safety to protect me. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.” He was impassioned and emphatic. He was trying to be selfless. I got that.

Then I got angry.

I reared back and stumbled to my feet, almost falling over in my need to get away from him and his touch.

“Don’t you dare,” I warned, holding my hands out as if that would stop him.

Maxx looked bewildered and extremely hurt by my reaction. He didn’t understand that I resented his sweet sentiments and his efforts to be a guy who would put me first.

But where the hell was this guy when I was throwing my life away in order to jump off the cliff with him?

Where was this sensitive person when I was watching him fight to breathe on a disgusting bathroom floor, a used hypodermic needle at my feet?

And where was this caring, compassionate man when he had used every element of emotional manipulation in his arsenal to get me to stay with him, no matter the cost to me?

“What did I say?” he asked, getting to his feet but not walking toward me. I was having a hard time breathing. I was enraged.

“You sit there being all emotive and . . . perfect. Saying all the right things,” I hissed, barely able to look at him. “You can’t do this to me! I can’t sit on my bed with you after what just happened and have you tell me that I need to protect myself,” I all but shouted. “I’m in this fucking mess because of you! I’m still trying to claw my way to the surface after you decimated my entire life!”

We both recoiled at my words. But somehow, these things I had thought but never really said needed to be said. I had shared some of this at the rehab center when I had visited him, but obviously there was still more that I needed to say.

Maxx opened his mouth but I shook my head, silencing him.

“Don’t. Just don’t. You drew me in, you made me love you, and I was willing to do anything for you. But that wasn’t enough, was it? I threw away my career to watch you freak out every time you couldn’t find your pills fast enough! I watched you die, Maxx!” I screamed, and Maxx flinched.

“You died ! And I had to give you CPR! Do you even begin to understand what that was like? To put my mouth to yours and breathe for you, watching your chest rise and fall and then wait for you to do it on your own? And when you didn’t, putting my fingers to your neck to try and find a pulse that wasn’t there? I thought you were gone! Just like Jayme. Just. Like. Jayme!” I shrieked, gripping my hair at my scalp and pulling hard.

Welcome to Nervous Breakdown Land. Ticket, please.

Maxx reached for me, his palms outward, trying to placate me. “Aubrey, please, just calm down so we can talk about this,” he begged, tears coursing down his cheeks as he watched me slowly fall apart.

“You knew what I had been through with Jayme! You knew!” I agonized, my voice softening as I crumpled down onto the bed again. Maxx stayed where he was, watching me with hesitation, not sure if he should comfort me or leave me alone.

“I was a selfish bastard, I know that! I didn’t care about how you were feeling. All I cared about was getting what I wanted. What I needed,” Maxx stated without any hint of denial. His plain and unobstructed truth cut through the red haze of my anger.

“You were a selfish bastard, Maxx. Which is why I walked away. I couldn’t lose you. Not to drugs. Not to an addiction I had no control over. I was going to start my life over. But here you are. In my room. You saved the day like a fucking superhero. And I should want you to leave. I should open the door and kick your ass out. But I can’t. Because my heart aches for you, Maxx!” I pulled at the shirt over my chest as though I could pull the beating organ from my flesh and hand it to him.

“I’m so sorry, Aubrey! God, I’m so fucking sorry!” Maxx sobbed, his face soaked with tears, his eyes bright with pain.

“You keep saying the same old shit, Maxx! You’re sorry. You’re different. You’ve changed. But it comes down to the fact that I don’t trust you. How can I?” I spat out.

“I don’t know.” Maxx hung his head.

“I want you to leave,” I said.

“If that’s what you want,” Maxx replied, heading to my door. He looked shattered.

He had looked like that before. When he had been coming down from the drugs. When he had been at the edge of the abyss and ready to topple over.

I hated that look.

But this time it wasn’t because of the drugs.

I had put that look on his face. The desolation in his heart.

I had worked so hard to figure out what I needed to do if I was ever faced with this moment again.

I needed to tell him to leave. To turn my back and walk away. Again.

I was strong. I was in control.

But I loved him.

And watching him leave was tearing me apart.

When it came down to it, I was tired of hurting. Tired of fighting. Tired of everything.

Holding on to him had always been hard. But losing him was worse.

“Wait,” I called out, feeling a definitive snap in the air between us. Maxx looked confused. Wary. But hopeful.

“I want you to leave. I do. I know it’s what I should say. But it’s a lie.” Maxx took one small, tentative step toward me. Our eyes met and I saw my past. My present. My future.

“I want you to leave, Maxx, but I need you to stay. Please.” My lips trembled. “I’m such an idiot. I want the one thing that can hurt me the most. But I can’t help it. You’re in my blood, Maxx. You’re everywhere. In everything. I can’t escape you. I don’t want to escape you. You’ve destroyed me. But I want you to put me back together. Can you do that? Can you make everything right again?” I asked, and I knew I was asking too much. That I shouldn’t put the pressure of this on his unstable shoulders. But I was also tired of carrying the weight alone.

It was time that he started sharing the burden of our twisted love.

Maxx collapsed beside me on the bed, his hands coming up to frame my face. “I will if you let me,” he promised, running his thumbs along the curve of my lips.

“I will do everything I can to make it up to you. I swear it, Aubrey,” he whispered, and then his mouth was on mine and there was no holding back anymore. My hands came around to grip the back of his shirt as we devoured each other in a frenzy of pent-up emotion and desire.

I parted my lips beneath his and moaned deep and low in the back of my throat. Maxx pushed me backward and he lay over me, his hands coming to the front of my shirt and pulling anxiously at the buttons.

He was wild. I was ravenous. We were desperate and lost and could only be found in each other.

I pulled his shirt up and over his head and threw it onto the floor, then fumbled at his belt buckle. We were clumsy, our fingers shaky, our kisses intense.

Maxx pulled back, bracing himself on his arms above me as he looked down at my fevered face. His eyes burned into mine, and I felt myself shudder at the heat I saw there. “I’ve dreamed every day of this moment. When I could touch you like this.” He hastily unzipped my jeans and then dipped his hand inside, his fingers teasing my wet opening. I groaned and arched my back.

“When I could taste you on my tongue,” he murmured, bowing his head to take my throbbing nipple into his mouth. He sucked hard and teased the sensitive bud with his teeth. I was a writhing mess beneath him, my hands touching everywhere, trying to get closer.

“Oh my God, Maxx!” I breathed in an agonized rush. He pushed aside the flimsy material of my panties and plunged his fingers deep inside my body. I stretched around the wanted intrusion.

“Of what it feels like to be so deep inside of you that I never want to leave,” he spoke into my skin, his tongue caressing the soft, vulnerable flesh between my breasts.

His words set me on fire. In an almost violent movement, Maxx ripped my jeans and panties down and threw them aside. I reciprocated by doing the same to the rest of his clothing.

Soon we were naked and panting and kissing and touching every inch of each other as though we’d never have the opportunity to do so again.

Maxx fit himself between my thighs, and I felt the tip of him against me as he pressed a soft kiss to my mouth. The hot pressure teased me as I moaned loudly.

I was so close to losing my head completely. All I could think about was experiencing that perfect moment that I had only ever experienced with him. Being so close to someone that you didn’t know where you ended and the other began.

Maxx slowly started to push himself inside of me. Tentative, almost, but with careful precision.

And then, suddenly, some of the fog lifted from my lust-addled brain and I pulled my hips back slightly, stopping him.

Maxx lifted his lips from mine and looked down at me. Sweat dripped from his forehead, and his hair matted at the sides from the effort it took for him to stop.

“What is wrong?” he asked, his voice rough.

Something hit me with the force of a freight train. A realization that I had never, ever thought about until just now.

“You’re not wearing a condom,” I told him, hardly able to believe that I had never, in all the times we had been together, thought to ask him to protect us. How could I have been so stupid? I knew Maxx’s history, so how had I never stopped to ensure something so vital? I had let my desire and my intense feelings for him overshadow absolutely everything.

Maxx pulled out of me and reached for his pants that hung halfway off the side of the bed. “You’re right, I’m not. I’m . . . I’m sorry,” he said, sounding contrite and almost embarrassed. His fingers were shaking as he found his wallet and produced a foil packet from the folds inside.

He sat there, staring down at the tiny square in his palm, looking strangely lost. I sat up and pulled a blanket over my chest. “I’ve never worn one with you before,” he whispered, and I could tell he was hurt and confused by my insistence that he wear one now.

I slid over until I was pressed up against him and placed my hand over the one that was holding the condom. “No, you haven’t. I never asked you to. But you and I have never even talked about past partners and whether we were clean and safe. That’s a little scary, don’t you think?” I asked.