Текст книги "Come to Me Quietly"

Автор книги: A. L. Jackson

Соавторы: A. L. Jackson
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Текущая страница: 6 (всего у книги 20 страниц)

A fragmented sigh stuttered from my lips as they parted. Never had I felt anything better than what I found in Jared’s touch.

His gaze captured mine before his fingertips traced down my cheek, swept along my jaw, and barely glanced over my lips. “You grew up on me, Aly,” he murmured, the words rough, almost in awe.

“You were gone for a long time,” I whispered against the fingers he fluttered along my bottom lip.

“For too long.” He seemed to blink away the thought, as if he didn’t want to believe the truth that had just fallen from his mouth. He rolled to his side. Intuition made me follow, and I turned to lie face-to-face with him. In silence, I stared at the boy who had held me hostage in my heart and mind for so long. My secret.

Could anything be more surreal than the fact that he now lay in my bed?

Thankfulness swept through me in a torrent of joy.

Smiling softly, he reached out and pressed the pad of his thumb to my chin. The notion was sweet, but it did things to me that I didn’t quite understand. I mean, I did. I understood desire, the overwhelming need that built in the pit of my stomach and longed for more. But this was so much greater than that.

“I bet whatever you keep hidden in the pages of those books is absolutely beautiful, Aly.” He swallowed, diverting his gaze to the far wall before he dropped it to meet mine. A tender palm came to rest on the side of my face. He caressed his thumb over the apple of my cheek. “How could it not be? Look at you… you have to be the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen.”

Pain reverberated in his words. Still they wrapped around me like the warmest embrace.

My fingers ventured to his chest, twisting in his shirt. The strong throb of his pulse thundered under them. “Everything I love is in the pages of those books, Jared.”

The admission sounded like a confession of my heart. I realized that was exactly what it was. On some level I wanted him to know what he wasn’t ready to hear.

Stark sunlight blinded my eyes. I squinted and adjusted my sunglasses as I settled back in my chair and lifted my face to the intensity of the summer sun. Stretching my legs out in front of me, I bathed in the comfort seeping into my skin.

Megan slurped from her iced coffee beside me. “I’m sweating like a dog over here, Aly.”

I tossed her a grin. Her blond hair was all mussed and piled in a mess on the top of her head as she fanned at the back of her neck. “You are such a wimp.” I lifted my face back to the sky. “Are you ever going to get used to the heat or am I destined to hear you complain about it for the rest of our lives?”

“Um, yeah, you’re probably going to hear me complain about it for the rest of our lives. There will be no shaking Rhode Island from my bones just like there’s no shaking Phoenix from yours.”

“Touché.” I smirked, and she laughed before she leaned her elbows on the small bistro table between us.

“I feel like I haven’t hung out with you in forever. I miss you,” she said. She took another sip from her straw, and I went for mine. We sat outside a little coffee shop on Mill, watching people as they ambled down the busy street. This was the first day we’d had to ourselves since the night when my life had been tilted on its axis.

Thrown, really. I no longer knew where I stood.

Megan and I had shared a few texts, but our work schedules seemed to always conflict, and we hadn’t really connected in the three weeks that had passed.

“I know. It’s ridiculous I haven’t talked to you in so long.” My brow piqued in question as I turned in her direction. “So, how are things with Sam?”

She shrugged and busied herself with her straw. Sadness wove through her sigh. “I always promised myself I’d never be that girl… the needy one who’d do anything to win that little bit of attention that some guy is willing to give her.” She released a bitter laugh. It was a little angry and a lot disappointed. She offered me a telling smile. “I didn’t make him work for it, Aly.” She blew out a breath. “I should have listened to you. Now it’s like I’m sitting around waiting for… something… anything. Sometimes it seems like he’s totally into me, and the next it’s like he couldn’t care less that I exist.” She shook her head at herself. “So stupid.”

I swiveled toward her and leaned on the table. I couldn’t stand this coming from her. Guilt twisted in me, because I should have realized something was going on when I received her texts. I should have been there for her.

She chewed at her lip. “You know that’s not me, right?”

“Megan.” I frowned and edged in closer. “I’m not going to judge you. You know me better than that. We never know how things are going to turn out, and more important than that, we can’t help how we feel.”

She nodded, but the small jerks of her head resonated with shame. “But you’ve always been so strong. You’ve never allowed yourself to become vulnerable like that. I mean, sometimes it makes me worry about you and I get scared you’re never going to find someone to love because you won’t put yourself out there to be loved. But mostly, I’ve just admired you.”

Another stab of guilt. I’d always been vulnerable. I’d just never been honest enough to allow her to see it. “I guess I’ve been holding out for the right guy, Megan. We all find them at different times and in different ways.”

Only I found mine when I was fourteen. A flutter swam through my being, Jared’s youthful smile forever etched in my mind. Really, I’d known him my entire life. I found him in almost every memory I had.

Confusion creased Megan’s brow. “How will we ever know when it’s right?”

Pursing my lips, I took a chance at what I knew as my own truth. “I think we’ll just know.”

She groaned and dropped her forehead to the table. “But this feels so right… and so completely wrong.”

Quiet laughter spilled from my mouth. “You have it bad, Megan.”

She grinned up at me from her resting place on the table. “Pathetic, aren’t I?”

“Nah.” I shook my head. “It isn’t worth it if it doesn’t hurt a little.”

She rose, nodding as if those were the most important words I’d ever said.

Or perhaps the most foolish.

“So, what about you? Have you been hanging out with Gabe?”

Pausing, I searched for what to say before I finally answered. “No. I’ve been busy at work and at home.”

Speculation lifted her brow, and I knew the questions were coming. “Busy at home, huh? Does this have anything to do with this mysterious visitor who showed up a couple of weeks ago? One I’ve never even heard of before? Hmm?” She drew this out in a suggestive prod. She struggled for a look of offense. I thought she might be too innocently beautiful for it ever to work.

“He’s just an old friend, Megan,” I said with the least amount of defensiveness I could inject in it. No need to raise more suspicion than I already had.

“And not important enough that you ever thought to mention him to me?”

No. It was completely the opposite. He’d been so important it seemed impossible to utter his name.

“It’s not that, Megan,” I admitted. “We were all really good friends when we were younger… We grew up together. Even though Christopher was his best friend, he was my best friend. You know?”

I searched her face, wondering if she could understand. Her expression told me maybe she did. Sadness clouded my tone. “In one day, he lost it all, Megan.”

“What happened?”

“There was this accident… ” I shook my head. “He could never see past what happened and he started making some really bad choices. We all watched him fall apart and we couldn’t do anything about it. He ended up getting arrested and sent away.” I lifted one shoulder in resignation. “That was the last time I saw him.”

“So he’s the one,” she mused.

“What are you talking about?”

“Just because you keep secrets, Aly, doesn’t mean I don’t know you have them.”

I couldn’t say anything. My throat was suddenly dry.

“You care about him a lot, yeah?”

“Yeah,” I admitted. “I have no idea how long he’s staying, so I’ve been spending as much time with him as I can.” I didn’t mention that I would be devastated when he left.

Since we’d watched that movie in an attempt to drown out another of Christopher’s conquests, Jared had snuck into my room every night. Two weeks had passed since the night after when he’d first touched me, the hand on my face rocking something loose deep inside me. Every night he’d come to me, his knuckles lightly rapping against my door before he would silently enter into the dimness of my room. He always came when it was late, an hour or two after I’d told him and Christopher I was going to bed. I’d say good night, then lie awake in my room listening as the apartment slowly fell into silence. It was as if I could anticipate him in the moment before he knocked on my door from, a subtle tension filling the space as I waited. Why he felt the need to sneak into my room, I didn’t really know. But it was like he got it, too. The time we spent together felt like something that was our own, a secret shared between friends as the trust between us grew. I’d come to expect him just as much as he seemed to expect me, and a slow trust had begun to build between us.

We’d talk for hours about nothing and everything. I’d glide along the banks of his sadness, dipping my toes to test the water but without ever diving into the torrent where I knew Jared continued to drown. My mouth was continually dry, begging to be opened, to ask the questions I so desperately wanted to know.

But I was scared, didn’t want to douse this weak flame that had been lit. If I pushed him beyond the place he seemed comfortable taking me to, I was sure he’d stamp the fire out just as quickly as he’d struck it.

The worst of it was how badly I ached, and each night it only grew. I wanted him, more than anything I’d ever wanted in my life. It didn’t help that he was constantly brushing his fingers along my face, weaving them through my hair as he wound my confusion higher.

But it never went past that.

Megan tilted her head as she dug a little, a whisper of a grin threatening at her mouth. “Is he hot?”

“Megan,” I scolded, before I laughed and shook my head. Slanting my eyes in her direction, I gave in. “Incredibly.”

It felt really good to admit it. To hell with raising suspicions.

She snorted and sat back in her chair. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you blush before, Aly Moore.”

“I’m not blushing,” I insisted, even though I could feel the heat on my cheeks. Damn it. “It’s just hot out here.”

“Sure it is.” Her smirk deepened before she gentled it into a smile. “I’m glad your best friend is back, Aly… even if he is encroaching on my best friend territory,” she teased, although there was nothing that even suggested jealousy in her words.

It wasn’t hard to see why she’d so easily become mine.

Megan and I parted with a huge hug in front of our cars. “See you soon,” I said before I dropped into the driver’s seat of my car and headed home. Anticipation spurred me forward. Going home had become what I looked forward to most.

Was it ridiculous I could hardly wait to see Jared again?

Maybe.

But like I’d told Megan, I had no idea how long he would stay, how much time I’d be granted.

I wanted every second I could get.

Pulling through the apartment gates, I wove through the complex and parked in my space. My steps were light as I crossed the pavement. The sun hung low on the horizon, the evening’s promise of the coming darkness. Pink rays stretched far across the sky, painted the clouds every color of pink and blue and orange. The edges of the clouds lit like a burning rim of fire before they were swallowed by the approaching night.

Gorgeous.

I hurried up the steps and let myself into the apartment. Christopher was in the kitchen. Making dinner. I fumbled to a standstill, taken aback. A slow smile slid across my face. What was going on here?

Jared sat at the bar, the heels of his boots hooked on the barstool, sipping from a beer. God, was he beautiful.

He looked up as I entered, this welcoming smile crossing his face that touched me from across the room. “Hey,” he said.

Christopher peeked at me from over his shoulder. “Aly! Where have you been? I thought you were off today.”

I dropped my purse to the floor and tossed my keys on top of it. “I was. I was just hanging out with Megan this afternoon.”

“I was getting worried. I’m making you dinner.”

I shot Jared a worried glance, then turned back to Christopher. “You’re making dinner, huh? Should I be concerned?”

He laughed. “Nope. No reason for concern. I just feel bad you’re feeding us all the time. Figured it was my turn.” Christopher leaned in to smell the pot. “And this is going to be fucking delicious. Just wait.” He grinned at me. “See, no need to worry, little sister.”

Wandering into the kitchen, I grabbed a soda from the fridge. I closed the door with my hip and leaned back against the cool metal. Jared sat directly opposite me, something playing around the edges of his mouth. He shook his head before he lifted his bottle to drain the rest of his beer, exposing the underside of his muscular neck. I wanted nothing more than to press my mouth to it.

I wondered what he’d think if he knew my thoughts, if he saw what I continually played out in my mind. Did he want it as much as I did? Did he think of me when he left my room to take his place on the couch while I lay on my bed, wishing he were sharing it with me instead?

He lowered his bottle, eyeing me over the top.

I hoped he did.

When I sensed Christopher watching me, I dropped my attention to the floor. Whatever he was thinking, he shook off, and he grabbed some plates from the cupboard. “Okay, this is ready, you two.”

I walked up behind Christopher and wrapped my arms around his waist. “Thank you. This was really sweet of you.”

He handed me a plate, smirking. “Don’t get used to it.”

I covered my heart with my hand. “I wouldn’t dare.”

We all moved to the table and ate the stew Christopher had made together like the family we had once been. Satisfaction churned in my depths. I peeked up at Jared as I took a bite, and that same place deep inside me clenched.

How badly my heart wanted him to stay.

My gut warned me he would not.

When we finished, I gathered our plates to do the dishes. Christopher grabbed them a couple of beers. I passed. The two of them moved to the couch, and Christopher flipped on the TV and turned it to a game.

Once I finished the dishes, I went into my room, picked out a book, and retreated outside to the balcony. I settled onto a chair. The small lamp mounted to the wall shed muted light on the words splayed across the pages. Tonight it seemed impossible to focus on them. Instead I watched the lightning touching down in the distance, the gathering of cumulus clouds as they rose high and ominous in the night sky, illuminated in the bright flashes of light. Nothing could compare in beauty to a desert storm.

I got lost in it.

I jumped when the balcony door slid open. My face flashed up to meet Jared’s smiling one.

“What are you doing out here all by yourself?” he asked as he stepped out onto the balcony.

“Just relaxing.” I drew my feet up onto the chair and hugged my knees to my chest. “It’s so beautiful out here.”

Jared slid down against the wall the way he always did, his knees bent and his feet flat on the concrete. He dipped his head to the side as he lit a cigarette. Smoke curled up around his face, casting him in a veiled halo. He inhaled deeply as all the weight seemed to drop from his shoulders. He exhaled toward the sky, spoke quietly. “This was always my favorite time of year.”

“It’s always been mine, too.” I hugged myself a little tighter. “I love that I can feel the monsoon coming… building up.”

A comfortable silence coiled us together, as if we both were lost in the memories of the summers we’d shared long ago. They’d been so easy and good.

“Do you remember that lightning storm we got stuck in?” he asked before he took another drag, leaning forward to rest his forearms on his knees. “When we were at the tree fort and the storm came really close?”

Mild embarrassment tugged one side of my mouth into a smile. “Yeah.”

Jared’s laughter was warm, a low rumble from the deepest part of his being. “God, you were the cutest fucking kid I ever met. Always trying to act so tough so you could hang out with us. But the second that bolt of lightning struck out in the field, you froze.” He chuckled and smoke filtered from his open mouth as he lifted his face to the night sky.

And I could see it, the bright flash of energy that sizzled through the air when the lightning struck just a hundred or so yards away.

Quietly, Jared continued. “Christopher hightailed it out of there, but no matter what I said, there was no getting you down from that tree fort. God, that was probably the worst place to be in a lightning storm.”

My voice softened as I floated through the ripples of his memory. “You sat with me in that tree for an hour while it poured rain down on us.” Even then, his arms had been warm as he sheltered me from the cold. A comfort. And he’d promised me he’d never leave me behind.

Warmth swam in the pools of his blue eyes. “We were in so much trouble when we finally got home. Your mom was so pissed off at me. Said I should have known better than to keep you out in that weather. Mom busted my ass when your mom sent me home… . I must’ve been grounded for a week… ” He trailed off, and he dropped his head, his fingers twitching in agitation.

I raised my face to meet his when he finally looked back up at me. “And you never told it was me who’d begged you to stay.” I hesitated, drew in a breath, before I said, “You were my best friend, Jared.”

A wistful smile ridged his perfect mouth. Then he shook it off and stamped out his cigarette. “It’s hot out here. I’m going to head inside.”

I nodded away his excuse. Guess that time I’d dipped my toes in too deep.

“Okay,” I mumbled, turning my attention back to the horizon, as Jared climbed to his feet and slipped back inside without a parting word.

An hour passed before I finally gathered my things to go inside. I pulled the slider open to find Jared and Christopher on the couch, watching a game. The room was dark save for the images playing out on the screen. Christopher seemed absorbed while Jared seemed detached.

And I didn’t know what it was, but a surge of bravery flooded me. I took a chance. I passed close by the back of the couch and wove my shaky fingers through Jared’s hair. It was soft. So soft. He trembled beneath my touch. I suppressed the overwhelming need I felt to bury my face in the haven of it, maybe to press my nose to his neck and inhale. To breathe him in. Instead I edged around the couch and said, “I’m going to bed. See you two in the morning.”

Christopher seemed to barely notice me and tossed me an offhanded “Night,” oblivious of whatever was building between Jared and me.

“Good night,” Jared whispered, his eyes trailing my steps, locking on mine when I paused to look back at him from my door. His expression made it clear he was the furthest from oblivious.

It took him an hour, but finally I heard the light tapping that tickled my ears and escalated my pulse before the door cracked open. A sliver of light from the hallway bled inside as Jared stole into my darkened room.

I lay on my bed, waiting.

Chuckling, Jared crossed the room. “Christopher just left. Said he has some girl he promised he’d go see. Don’t think I’m quite interesting enough for him.”

Jared climbed onto the bed beside me. He didn’t hesitate to twist his finger through a lock of my hair as if it belonged there, didn’t hide the heave of contented air he pushed from his lungs. He settled so close to me I was sure he could count the thundering beats of my heart.

“Haven’t you figured that out by now?” Still I whispered. I wasn’t sure why.

Throaty laughter ricocheted against my walls. “Yeah… I might have noticed. What is up with him, anyway? Is he happy?” Jared turned a fraction, blinking toward the ceiling. “It’s like he’s chasing after something and can’t seem to find it.”

“Aren’t we all chasing after something?”

Lines deepened on Jared’s brow, a frown marring his face. “I don’t know, Aly.”

I inched forward. In the small space separating us, I relished the warmth I felt radiating from his body. My hands went to their safe spot, to his T-shirt-clad chest. I was still too fearful to touch the skin I wanted to disappear into.

“I think he’s happy, Jared, but he changed when you were sent away.”

Jared stiffened under me, because for the first time, I jumped. I was ready to submerge myself in the dangerous waters that held Jared under. I’d been treading them for too long.

With honesty, I opened my mouth. “I think it was fear… fear of losing someone who was so important to him.” I’d never forget Christopher’s eyes that night, when we’d found ourselves face-to-face in our hall, listening to our mother sobbing in her room. The vibrant green had waned from his eyes as Christopher had lost the last bit of his childhood, his innocence replaced with pain. Haunted. There was no other way to describe it. When I thought of what I saw in his eyes that day, I sometimes wondered what he had seen in mine.

“He ended up breaking up with Samantha about a week later.” Christopher had dated her for a year. I was pretty sure they’d been each other’s firsts. She was devastated, but Christopher had just seemed numb to her pain like he was to everything else. “He started going out all the time,” I slowly continued, knowing I was traversing dangerous ground, “hanging out with random girls. Now I can’t really tell if it’s a habit or a game or if he’s subconsciously guarding himself from something he doesn’t want to feel.”

Jared’s lips spread into a thin line, as if something that had nagged at him had been confirmed.

“It’s all so meaningless to him,” I said quietly, self-consciously fidgeting with Jared’s shirt. “I hate that those girls mean so little to him… that sex means so little to him.” I tipped my face up and captured his gaze. My mouth opened and closed as I struggled with what to say. As much as I didn’t want to know, I couldn’t keep myself from asking. “What about you? Have you ever been in love with anyone?”

Jared tilted his face away as if he didn’t want me to see his confessions waiting there. He wavered before he spoke. “Sex is like fighting for me, Aly. It’s a release, nothing more. I use girls just as shamelessly as Christopher does. Maybe in a different way. I don’t know, but in the end, it’s the same… It means nothing.”

I winced. Jealousy was not a pretty emotion. But it hit me hard. I’d grown so accustomed to this place that was ours that it’d become easy to imagine that this was all either of us had ever known… just the quiet of my room and the steady beat of our hearts.

In it, nothing else existed.

But Jared had known so much, so much pain, so much loss.

He’d known girls and what it felt like to be touched.

Was it wrong that I wanted that, too?

Pushing past our boundaries, I let my fingers climb up his chest and over one of his shoulders. Sinewy muscle jumped under my hands, beckoned me forward just as assuredly as they fought to resist my exploration.

I held my breath when I reached the bare skin of his neck. Every inch of my body lit, flames licking through my veins and blazing in my stomach. Shivers coursed over the surface of my skin.

How was it possible that one person could affect me this way?

I glanced up at his face. Turbulent blue eyes stared down at me. In them I felt a range of emotions, a warning, an appeal. Anger and affection. Most of all, I saw fear.

Tentatively, I dropped my gaze and watched as my fingers trailed down over his shoulder and traced the ink on his left arm. This arm was covered in blacks and grays, twisted shapes and faces that screamed his horrors. On the inside of his wrist was scripted Lest I forget.

Jared shuddered as if the contact caused him physical pain. But he didn’t pull away, and he released a stuttered breath across my face.

“Were you scared when they sent you away?” The question came so softly I thought perhaps I’d only uttered it in my head.

Still it sucked all the air from the room.

Frozen, Jared remained still, a million emotions spilling from his silence, before he finally spoke. “I was pissed, Aly.” He grunted through the words. “It wasn’t supposed to turn out like that. I thought I’d finally found a way to pay for what I’d done, and I managed to fuck that up, too.”

Chills crawled along the surface of my skin. Jared had just confirmed my greatest fear. All these years I’d tried to convince myself otherwise, that there was no chance Jared would have tried to take his own life. Asked myself, How could he? Convinced myself I’d just misunderstood because it seemed impossible to believe.

And to know he’d been angry that he’d failed?

Confusion and hurt and fear saturated my spirit because I couldn’t help worrying he’d try again.

I tried to swallow the lump wedged in the middle of my throat. “Maybe it turned out the way it was really supposed to be.”

Hard laughter rocked from his chest. “Nothing turns out the way it’s supposed to, Aly. And even if it did, I would only ruin it. You need to remember that. I warned you that you’d regret doing this… .” His fingers twisted deeper in my hair and he shifted to palm my neck with the other hand. He squeezed to emphasize our friendship, so hard it almost hurt. But it was my heart that hurt.

“How could I regret you?” I brought my hands to his face, held them there, gave in to the smolder singeing my skin. “I missed you, Jared. So much. They sent you away, and I thought I’d never see you again. Do you know how much that hurt?”

But I knew he really could have no idea.

How could he?

“I thought about you every day,” I admitted, burrowing my head farther into the bed, farther into his warmth. We skirted along the edges of an embrace, his hands on my face, mine on his, the expanse between us so great I wasn’t sure we’d ever be able to cross it. “What was it like?” I asked, lifting my face to his.

He paused, his breath palpable in the room. “I don’t know, Aly. It sucked, I guess. People were always telling us what we could and couldn’t do, all the while they were calling it a rehabilitation center. There were some really good guys there, ones who just did some stupid stuff. I always hoped that maybe it did them some good. Most of us there were hopeless, though. It wouldn’t matter what punishment we had, there was no chance of coming up with a different result.”

Hopeless. I blinked, trying to understand, to make sense of the tone in his voice. “You felt you were like that?”

Sadness swelled in the room, a thickness that made my skin crawl with goose bumps.

“They let me out when I turned eighteen, Aly. Eighteen.” His voice cracked. “How fucking ridiculous is that? As if I’d paid my dues? As if spending two years of my pathetic existence behind bars would make up for what I’d done?”

Anger rushed from him, these waves of rage that pounded and fought against my spirit. Jared’s body jerked, and I could feel him trying to hold it back, to hold it in. His face contorted as if he were trying to block it all out. “What kind of bullshit is that? She was worth so much more than that.”

“Jared – ”

In a blink, he shot off my bed and onto his feet.

Shocked, I twisted around and scrambled onto my hands and knees as I faced the man standing in the middle of my room. Agitation spun through him, twitching his muscles. My breaths came heavy and strong, mixed with the hostility seeping from Jared’s pores.

Jerking both hands through his hair, he glared down at me, his eyes frantic. “Just don’t, Aly.” He touched his chest with a fisted hand, then dropped it. “Please don’t say something that means nothing.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “Please. Not you, too.”

When he opened his eyes, the walls were down, everything bared to me.

Devastation.

It was the only thing I saw.

My heart twisted, this pain slicing me through to the core, cutting to the place where Jared had been a fantasy in my mind. There I’d imagined he had somehow still been whole and not what I saw now, a mess of the few mangled pieces of himself that now remained in the wake of his ruin.

“Jared,” I whispered, my hand fluttering out in his direction, silently begging him to take it. Seeing him this way killed me. It reminded me too much of those months when I could do nothing but watch him fade away. Some part of me had held on to the hope that time had healed some of those pieces.

Now I was certain it had not.

He stumbled back to the door, recognition flashing in his eyes. “You can’t fix me, Aly.”

I winced and dropped my chin as if I could conceal the place where he attempted to extract my thoughts. “I know that,” I whispered.

“Then don’t try.”