Текст книги "Right Next Door"
Автор книги: A. J. Pryor
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Текущая страница: 15 (всего у книги 19 страниц)
Damian thinks he loves me, and maybe he does, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t say the words back. It was exactly one week ago today that he professed that love. Now, it’s like a damn broke and he hasn’t been able to stop saying those three words. A part of me wants to tell him I love him too, but it feels like I’m only loving a part of him. Until he trusts me enough to share his entire past with me, until he lets me in, I can’t give him my whole heart, it’s too much of a risk I’m not willing to take.
We’re leaving for Malibu in a few hours. Maybe spending a week away from our daily lives, will give me the clarity I need.
Not having a job to go to everyday, I’ve been able to visit Emily whenever Damian goes, coming up with ways he can work around Thomas, but it’s been hard not having all the information. I’ve kept my promise and not asked any more questions about Emily’s mom, but it hasn’t been an easy promise to keep.
“I love this part of your body.” His fingers are trailing along the curve of my waist and the swell of my hip, every so often dipping down to slide along the cheek of my butt.
“When do you want to leave?” I ask.
My leg hangs over his hip and my hands roam through his hair, gently scratching at his scalp. He shivers in my arms and holds on tighter.
A wicked grin spreads across his face and my insides heat.
Damn, how does he do that to me?
“Not for at least an hour.” His lips connect with mine and he flips me on my back, his tip running along my entrance.
Moaning, I close my eyes and relish in our skin on skin contact. “We are never going to get out of here.”
Trailing kisses up and down my neck, he says, “We will. Eventually.”
His phone rings as I’m about to bring him into my body. He jumps up faster than I’ve ever seen, his face pulled in concern.
My body jolts in shock at the loss of heat but the look on his face has me on high alert.
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s the hospital.” He holds up his finger and takes the call.
“Shit, please tell me she’s okay.” his voice cracks and my mind goes to the worst-case scenario. Emily was going to the medical placement home today, the foster parents who watch her when she’s not receiving treatments and has no reason to stay in the hospital.
“But she’s stable?”
I release the sheets I have balled in my fists at the word stable.
“Can I come see her?”
“I’ll be there in ten.”
He hangs up and gives me a guilty look.
“Don’t look at me like that. Go. She needs you.”
Conflicted, he begins to dress. “You’re okay if we don’t leave until later today?”
“Of course! Get out of here.”
“It’s only . . . she’s sick, she never made it out of the hospital today and she’s asking for me.”
“Go see her.”
After a two-minute shower, he throws on a white long sleeve T-shirt and blue jeans, going completely commando, which gives my heart a slight jolt. Quickly brushing his teeth and then pulling on his beanie, he’s ready to go in less than five minutes, his hair still glistening with water and face taut in concern.
“Come here.” I leave the comfort of his bed, completely naked, the cold air causing my nipples to stand erect.
He pinches one between his fingers and bends to kiss it. “I shouldn’t be too late.”
“It’s okay. Go.”
“I love you.”
The words are on the tip of my tongue, but I nuzzle my face into his warm neck and take a deep breath instead. I do love him, I know I do, but I need more. I need all of him.
His body slightly deflates against mine and he sighs into the top of my head. I know he’s disappointed that I won’t say those three words, but he also knows why.
After a gentle kiss on my cheek, he’s gone.
Quickly throwing on a pair of sweats and one of his old T-shirts, I head to my own apartment. It’s early in the morning, and the air is crisp and chilly as I walk along the outer deck.
I’m unemployed, already packed, and have nothing to do while I wait for him. This is something that I could either get used to or hate with a passion.
Sitting down to catch up on my shows, I can’t decide which one to watch. I start the latest Amazing Race episode, but it doesn’t hold my interest for more than five minutes. Saving that for a later date, I turn on The Voice. Again, it’s not doing anything for me. Maybe I’m not in a TV watching mood.
‘Glimmer in the Sand’, the third in the trilogy I started when I met Damian is staring me in the face. Reaching for it, I lie back on my sofa and pull a blanket around me. A hopeless romantic falls for a broken playboy. He never knew he needed love until he met her. This looks right up my alley, but after the first twenty pages, I can’t focus on the words. My mind is wandering in a million different directions.
This is ridiculous. I can’t let Damian become my whole life. The last time I allowed a man that much access I was the one who ended up ruined. There has to be a happy medium somewhere. I call Paige to see if she wants to grab a movie or a bite to eat, but she’s working. I try Mia. Shit, she’s working too. This should have been a great sign that maybe today is a good day to job hunt. I have about two months’ worth of money saved up, but two months will go by in the blink of an eye.
Opening my Mac Air, I begin to search recruiting websites. I’m into it for a good ten minutes before I once again begin to lose concentration. What the hell? I’m jittery and antsy and I’m going to get nothing done until I take a good look as to why I’m suddenly feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.
The question hits me in the chest like a bullet.
Why hadn’t he taken me with him?
I’ve gone with him to see Emily this entire past week. Did he think I’d get in the way?
My concern should be with Emily and what happened, and it is. But selfishly I also feel burned, slighted that I’m not important enough to be a part of her healing process. Yet another thing he’s keeping me separated from.
I’m startled out of my depressing thoughts by a knock at my door. Cautiously, I look through the peephole and I freeze, my heart pounding loudly in my ears, my blood boiling. My hands shake as they rest on the doorknob. This is not what I need right now. I’m not sure if I should open the door or leave him standing outside, but I have no doubt that he won’t go away easily. And Damian coming home to find Matt outside my front door is going to be cause for murder.
Taking a long, deep breath, I slowly open the door.
“Matt,” I sigh, “I don’t remember you ever being this persistent.”
He smiles. “I never had to be before. You kind of loved me at first sight and never let go.”
I have to concede at his accurate account of our relationship.
“Why are you here?”
He walks past me, not waiting for an invite.
“Addy,” His hand is over his heart, his words deliberate and intent. “I know you’re still hurt and I don’t blame you. Sorry doesn’t begin to cover how wrong it was of me to leave you.”
“Matt, I forgive you. But that doesn’t give you the right to barge in here whenever you see fit. Boundaries, Matt. We need some boundaries.”
“I never stopped loving you, Addison, never once.”
“Matt, you got married.”
“Biggest mistake of my life.”
“I don’t plan on being your second biggest mistake.”
He takes a step forward. “You spent two hours with me after you got fired, Addison. Not him, me. Doesn’t that tell you anything?”
He’s right. When I bumped into him that afternoon, a feeling of relief washed through my body. That someone who once loved me was there to help and listen to my side of the story. That maybe I wasn’t as alone as I’d thought in that moment. But in reality, that emotion was only a recognition of a first love, a remembrance of a feeling that was once so vibrant in my life. And yes, if he hadn’t taken off and left me, if so much time hadn’t passed between us, he could have quite possibly been my forever as well, but that’s not how our lives played out.
I begin to shake my head, but he takes a step towards me, and grabs my left hand. “Addison, I’m not the same person who left you five years ago.”
“That’s the problem, Matt. I don’t know who you are anymore. The Matt I loved would never have gotten married for money or a business deal. He never would have cheated on his wife. And if the old Matt were standing right here in front of me, I’d never be able to tell him to leave. Because I loved that Matt, would have done anything for him.”
Stroking his thumb along the back of my hand, he says, “That person’s still a part of me Addison. But I’ve grown up over the past five years, and when I see something I want, I take it. I wanted success, I wanted prestige and I now want you. You’re the only missing piece of my life and nothing will feel complete until I have you in it.”
My palms are starting to sweat and a queasy dread works its way through my gut. “Matt, I’ve already opened my heart to someone else.” I want to pull back, but he curls his hand around my fingers and holds on a little tighter. “You’ve given me closure, something I’ve craved since you left.”
He runs his other hand through his perfect brown hair and points his blue heated gaze at me. “Closure? Nothing about the past few months has felt like closure Addy. I know I’m not crazy. We work. We’ve always worked. And if for one minute you could let go of the past, if you could see the future that I do, you wouldn’t be denying us either.”
A terrible taste enters my mouth and my heart races, not sure where it wants to go. Everything is beginning to spin and tilt out of focus. I’m alone, in my apartment with my ex-boyfriend—this is not good.
When I look at Matt, I don’t see love, friendship or trust. I see five years’ worth of pain that I can never get back. Looking at him brings up so much shit that I never want to see again. It’s a reminder that I allowed myself to get lost, that I allowed myself to be weak and I’ll never put myself in that position again.
“Matt, I’ve really moved on.”
He pulls me closer. “Addy, I never intended to be gone forever.” His eyes looked pained and his expression is one of deep regret. I can’t help but feel a slight twinge of sympathy for the man in front of me. If what he’s saying is true, if his marriage really was a farce, it’s quite possible he spent the past five years in as much pain as I was. “I don’t regret leaving you Addison. I did that to make a better life for both of us. Everything I’ve ever done has been for you, for us. But I deeply regret the way I went about building that life.”
His hand grips mine tighter.
Falling back into Matt’s arms isn’t on my radar. Damian and I haven’t had the smoothest start, but I owe it to him, I owe it to myself to give us the best shot I can.
“Addy, my divorce will be final in three months. Give us a chance.” He slips his hand inside his pocket.
“I’ve loved you from the moment I saw you Addison. I’ve never stopped.” He pulls his hand out of his pocket and the sunlight catches the gleam of a diamond. I’m too shocked to say anything. It’s big and shiny. I stand there stunned, no words forming on my tongue as I stare at the beautiful gem he’s holding out to me.
He pulls me into an embrace, my cheek pressed against his chest, breathing in his cologne and feeling his heart hammer against my face. I still see the bright shine of the diamond, feel the soft material of the T-shirt he’s wearing against my skin, yet my mind has left me, possibly my soul as well, both floating on the ceiling staring down at a situation that is so very wrong.
“Marry me, Addison. Marry me in three months, next year, in five years. I don’t care, just please marry me. Come with me to New York, be my family. Help me right the wrong I did to us.”
I pull back and look up at a man I once loved with every part of my being. This is a moment I dreamed about for so long and I can’t believe it’s happening. I don’t want it to happen. The sight of the ring weighs down on my heart. None of this is right. My hands begin to shake as reality closes in. I look down at the diamond then back into the red-rimmed eyes of Matt Bryson. My future, my hope, my dreams all gone in the blink of an eye.
“Matt, I . . . I don’t . . .”
“Don’t give me an answer tonight, Addy. Think about it. Take the ring and think about. Try to remember how good we once were. We could travel the world. You could do everything you never got to. I’d give you anything you ever wanted.”
All I ever wanted was a life with him—a perfectly planned out life that never happened. But I don’t want that life anymore. My life changed directions almost three months ago when a new neighbor moved in and that’s the route I plan to stay on.
“Would you rather use the porta-potty at the county fair or the one at the beach?”
“I think Sweet Pea, that may just be the most disgusting one you’ve asked yet.”
She’s sitting in her white hospital bed, the bottoms of her feet touching in a butterfly position and a big smile on her face. Her large white teeth shining brightly.
“I’m going to answer beach. It would have to smell slightly better, right?”
She giggles, and my heart tightens. “I’m really happy you’re not feeling sick anymore.” I lean forward and kiss her head.
“Me too.”
She yawns big, and I know it’s time to leave. I’ve been here all day. She needs her sleep and I need to get home and back to Addison. Emily is being discharged tomorrow morning and she’s going to be all right for the time being.
“Why isn’t Addison here?”
I’m momentarily startled by her innocent question. When I heard she’d been sick, the only thought to enter my mind was to get here as quickly as I could. But why wouldn’t I bring Addison?
“Do you want her to come every time I visit you?”
She smiles and nods. “Yes. She plays a better Would You Rather?”
“Not true.”
“Very true.”
I’m not about to argue with her.
I’d love to bring Addison with me as often as possible, and in all honesty, I could have easily brought her today, but I’d chosen not to.
Emily’s sick and I knew there was a good chance they’d break that hour rule for me to sit with her, but they weren’t going to break it for Addison. It was a total dick move on my part and if I do believe Addison is my future, she should have been here too. I’m already keeping her in the dark about Megan, leaving her home probably pushed her even further away. Fuck, I screwed up.
“She’ll be here next time Sweet Pea. She had to work this afternoon.” And I just lied to an eight-year-old; I’m on a roll today. “But I promise I’ll bring her in soon to see you.” At least that promise I can stand behind.
Snuggling into her bed she gives me a thumbs up. “Night Sweet Pea.”
“Night.”
We fist bump and I book it out of her room in an attempt to get home as quickly as possible. I feel like a total jerk for not thinking of bringing Addison with me. I wonder how she’d feel to know I purposely excluded her.
For the first time since my accident, I can see my future. I know exactly who I am and who I want to be. And right now, I want to be with Addison. She’s holding her heart back from me and I can’t stand it. It’s time to tell her everything, it’s the only way to make sure her heart is permanently linked to mine, and at this point, I can’t have it any other way.
It feels like I hit every red light. I want to press on the accelerator and break any traffic law standing between her and me. Now that I’ve decided to bring her completely into my world, I want it to happen instantly. Not in five minutes or one day, but right now. Pulling onto my street a feeling of unease creeps into my blood stream. There’s a black Tesla in my parking spot and I don’t recognize it. My fingers begin to twitch, my breath shortening and my senses on full alert. Immediately I block it in. Whoever’s here, isn’t leaving without going through me first.
I take the stairs two at a time, my heart beating steadily. Instant alarm grips me as I see Addison’s door slightly ajar. Burglar, rapist, murderer are the only thoughts that blast through my mind as I throw her door wide open. It slams into the wall, making my presence known.
Matt wasn’t one of my fears, but he should have been.
The scene plays out in front of me, and I can’t understand what I’m seeing. But he’s holding her in his arms, I can’t hear him, all the blood pulsing loudly between my ears blocking out any other noise.
Why the fuck is he holding her?
“Let her go!”
The asshole looks at me and tightens his arms around her. Does he have a death wish? “I said, Let. Her. Go.”
He smirks and slowly releases the hold he has on her. I want to wipe his face on the floor with my foot.
“Back away.” I vaguely hear Addison crying and the idea that he’s done something to her, that he’s hurt her more than he already has propels me forward.
I don’t remember walking in his direction, or picking him up by his shirt. But I do remember slamming my fist into his nose, blood covering her white shaggy rug. The bones crumble under my fist and I know he’s going to need surgery to correct the damage I just inflicted. Good.
He doesn’t cry out in pain, doesn’t talk. The fucker hasn’t acknowledged my presence except for that damn smirk that he hasn’t wiped off his faux Calvin Klein face.
I’m going to kill him.
I raise my arm to pummel him again.
“Damian! Damian, stop it!” Addison’s hysterical voice cries out behind me and in my hazy fog of needing this asshole to never go near her again, her pleading breaks through.
I turn, Matt still firmly in my grip. She’s a mess, her hair sticking to her face, tears streaming down her cheeks. Some of his blood has splattered onto her white T-shirt and I cringe, not wanting her to be near any of this.
“Addison, go into your room. I’ll take care of it.”
She closes her eyes tight, her fists balled up by her sides. “It’s not worth it, Damian. Please, stop. For me. For us. Just let him go.” She opens her eyes and silently pleads with me. The tears still streaming down her soft white cheeks. I’m shaking, stuck between being a man and protecting his woman, or wimping out and caving to my girlfriend’s wishes.
Either way, I lose.
She looks panicked, her eyes wide in fear and her bottom lip slightly trembling. This guy makes her feel things I know she’d rather forget, and I have no idea why she let him in her apartment to begin with. I can end this. But her pleading look, tears at my heart. If I do more damage to this fucker, she’ll never forgive me and I’ll lose her.
If I let him go, with nothing more than a broken nose, he’ll come back and it will never be over. But losing her is worse than losing this fight.
I drop him and watch as he crumbles to the floor, his hand covering his broken nose. “Stand up and walk the fuck out of here. She doesn’t belong to you anymore.”
“Really?” It’s the first time he’s said a word and due to the state of his nose, it comes out garbled. Blood gushing down and into his mouth with each breath he takes. “Then why is it my ring she has on her finger?”
Breathing feels hard. Impossible really. In the five minutes I’ve been in the same room as this dick, he hasn’t laid a finger on me, has spoken barely ten words, but it feels like he just slammed me against a wall, knocking the wind right out of my chest. I look down at her hand and bright as day, she’s wearing a diamond the size of fucking Texas. I have no idea how I missed it earlier, but my heart feels ripped out of my chest, as if it’s being eaten for someone’s lunch.
Everything I saw when I walked through that front door plays back in my mind. Addison in his arms, the tears, his refusal to leave and now the ring. The reality of the situation comes crashing down around me. Would she really say yes? The fact that I need to ask myself that question speaks volumes.
Frantically trying to pull it over her knuckle, the tears flow stronger down her cheeks. “No. Damian no. He’s lying.” She’s struggling, can’t get the damn thing off and I have to wonder how hard she had to work to get it on in the first place.
“How so? Because I’d remember if I was the one who gave you that ring.”
“Here, take another tissue.”
I grab the white piece of flimsy paper out of Mia’s hand and blow my nose, making an unflattering noise that would scare a duck, not attempting to wipe at my eyes. What would be the point? The diamond, or the devil, at this point they represent the same thing, sits on the table in front of us. How could such a large beautiful gem be so destructive?
“Why did you let him get close enough to put this on your finger?” Paige has picked up the symbol of sin and is inspecting every inch of it. I want to tell her to take it, she can have it, but with the way my life stands now, I’m going to need to sell that evil beautiful stone, in order to live for the next few months.
“It all happened so fast.” I still can’t wrap my head around the way tonight played out. One minute I was looking at the ring, the next Damian was bursting through my front door and suddenly Matt slipped it on my finger. It all happened too fast for me to react.
Mia has taken my white rug, and thrown it in the dumpster so I don’t have to look at one more reminder of the events that took place over three hours ago. She hasn’t stopped rubbing my back and the knowledge that once again my friends have had to come to my rescue doesn’t escape me. This all feels too familiar and I don’t think I can handle it.
“Well, score one for Matt, he has really good taste.”
The ring is stunning. A round Tiffany setting with at least a three carat diamond resting between six prongs. He must have forgotten how small I am. On my tiny fingers this ring looks twice its actual size.
“And Damian just left?” Mia pushes her glasses further up her nose, her face scrunched up in disapproval.
I nod, my eyes tearing up again. “His feet were pounding down the stairs. He left me.”
“Let’s not be so overdramatic, Addison. He left the situation, big difference.”
Not the way I see it. Leaving me alone with Matt, a diamond ring on my finger and having no idea what or who I was fending off was the equivalent of saying goodbye. There’s no denying I played a huge role in what happened tonight. I let Matt in—but I can’t help the resentment, the anger I feel that Damian abandoned me when I really needed him. Saying no to Matt was the easy part, physically making him leave, getting him to believe I no longer loved him was near to impossible.
“Part of me wishes I had let him beat the shit out of Matt, then at least he’d still be here with me. The wondering as to where he went or when he’ll be back is killing me.”
“He’s probably with Reed,” Paige says.
I’m sure she’s right. But it still stings. We were supposed to spend this week together in Malibu, and now I have no idea when I’m going to see him again.
“Addison, this will blow over.” Mia hands me another tissue. “I promise. Once you get a chance to explain things to Damian, he’ll understand, he’ll get it.”
“Of course he will. It may take a few weeks, but he’ll come around.”
I appreciate their positive words, but I have serious doubts.
My eyes are swollen, and I have a raging headache. I love that my friends dropped everything to be with me tonight, but if I haven’t learned anything over the past five years, it’s that I need to work this out on my own, be strong and pick myself back up.
“Thanks for coming over guys, but I think I’m going to go to bed.”
“You’re kicking us out?” Mia asks affronted.
“No, you’re welcome to stay, but I need to go lie down alone with my tormented thoughts.”
They both give me worried smiles. “Guys, I’m sad, devastated really, but I’m not the same person I was when Matt left. I can’t let myself go back to being that person.”
Looking at each other, for affirmation that it’s okay to leave I make it even easier for them. “Fine, I am kicking your ass’s out. So, don’t feel guilty. I’m not going to run off and do something stupid.”
“Why the hell not? That’s exactly what you should do, something crazy and stupid and bring me with you!”
“Maybe next week, but tonight, I need to lie down and feel this pain. Feel how shitty today was, so that tomorrow . . . tomorrow I can wake up and remember, it’s a new day and I have a lot of life to look forward to.”
“First, Addison, that was way too sappy and you need to knock that shit off, second, by next week, this will all be fixed.”
As they’re walking towards my door Paige turns, “You know Addy, three years ago you would have taken that ring and moved to New York, no questions asked. I’m proud of you for kicking his ass to the curb, even after Damian took off.”
The minute the door closes, I wish I’d asked them to stay. My apartment is too big, too quiet and holds too many memories. That damn red pillow sits smack in the middle of my sofa, a heart-breaking reminder that I don’t know if I’ll ever get him back. How is it possible that in the span of five years I’ve lost two great loves? If it’s true that a person only experiences one great love in a lifetime, then I’m royally screwed.
Fuck, I’m heartbroken—again.
Taking off all my clothes, I crawl onto my bed and let the cool crisp feeling of the clean sheets blanket my skin.
How did I let Matt put that ring on my finger? I will forever walk around wondering how I let him trap me.
My phone rings, and I run into my living room hoping it’s Damian. Maybe he finally wants to talk. I’ve sent him so many texts over the past few hours and he hasn’t returned even one. I grab my phone only to realize it’s Matt’s new number. Instantly my heart deflates. Hitting decline, and blocking his number my frustration boils over.
What is wrong with the male race? Are they so testosterone driven they can’t see further than their dicks? Why the fuck would Matt think I’d answered his call? I’ve been so clear, laid it out plain and simple in black and white. He doesn’t do it for me anymore.
Opening my sliding glass door as far as it will go, I walk onto my balcony and chuck the damn phone as far as I can, listening to it break and smash all over the concrete below.
I feel liberated, and I fist-bump the air. He can’t reach me. Finally, he can’t torment me with his damn phone calls.
Shit, no one can reach me, not even Damian. And that’s when I realize it’s finally happened. I’ve lost my fucking mind.
I slam the sliding glass door shut and crawl back under my covers.
Closing my eyes and trying to sleep, thoughts of where Damian could possibly be plague my mind. I hope like hell he isn’t out doing something crazy and stupid. He has to know I’d never pick Matt over him. How could he not know that? Because I never told him I loved him. Shit, he thinks I still love Matt. He accused me of that just last week. God, how could I be so naïve?
Hours go by, and all I’ve done is stare at the ceiling. At two in the morning, I finally hear a car approach, then a door slam. Wrapping a blanket around myself, I walk into the entryway and look out the peephole. I hear footsteps. They’re heavy, pounding each concrete step as he comes up the walkway. I’m about to open the door and make him talk to me when I hear it, his voice, deep, husky and slurring every word that comes out of his mouth. He’s drunk, and as I watch him approach the top step, he’s swaying, not keeping his balance, talking on the phone. Everything inside my system feels slow and heavy, like molasses is being poured into my veins and through my body. This isn’t the time for us to hash things out, but I can’t leave him like this either.
My mind is screaming at me to stop my motions, to let him go, but I can’t. I open the door.
“Damian.”
His head flips around, his eyes looking into mine, but he’s not looking at me, he’s looking through me.
I’ve lost him.
“Well, look who it is. The adulterer.” His words are slow and deliberate, his body leaning back onto the railing that leads down to our parking spots.
Stepping out into the cool night air, the wind picks up a corner of the blanket covering my body, exposing a decent amount of leg and causing goose bumps to erupt all over my skin.
“Come inside, I’ll make you some coffee.”
A wicked smile crosses his face. “I’m not in the mood for coffee, Ms. Peacock. How about a little drunk—” thrusting his hips in my direction and wagging his eyebrows he takes a step closer. “You know, tit for tat. I fucked you when you were so drunk and begging for it, how about a little recipro . . . reciprocation. It’s the least you can do.”
Taking another step closer, I immediately take one back. Anger begins to worm its way into my gut, spilling over into my blood and making my heart beat audible to everyone within a five-mile radius. He left me to fend for myself tonight. So caught up in his own emotions he didn’t once stop to think how I was feeling.
I am about to slam the door in his face before we both say something we’ll regret, when he grabs my wrist and pulls me to him. Holding onto the blanket tight with my left arm to keep it from falling, adrenaline is coursing through my system and I pull on my arm, trying to free it from his iron strong grasp.
It’s impossible.
Bending down to reach my ear he whispers, his voice pointed and the smell of whisky rolling off his tongue, “I’m not interested in dirty seconds. I wouldn’t fuck you tonight if you got down on your pretty little knees and begged me.” Gasping in a shocked breath, I pull on my arm again, furious that he thinks he can talk to me this way. “I would never hurt you, Addison, but you’ve destroyed me.”
He releases my arm and staggers to his front door, never looking back.