Текст книги "From What I Remember"

Автор книги: Valerie Thomas

Соавторы: Stacy Kramer
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Текущая страница: 18 (всего у книги 23 страниц)

know I should probably be relieved or grateful or something that we got out of that situation, but all I can think about is the look I saw Max give Kylie. A fairly significant look, I think. Max may think I missed it because I’m sitting in the back and they’re in the front together. Maybe I’m being paranoid; God knows it’s in my nature. And Max did seem really sorry when we were talking earlier. Still, I’ve got to change the dynamic here. I can feel things slipping away. “That was awesome,” Charlie tells Kylie. “All I did was drive,” Kylie says, trying to seem humble. Who is she kidding?

“You rock, girlie. But then again, I already knew that,” Will says.

“Man, I totally thought we were toast,” Charlie says. “But you drove like a pro.” Yeah, we get it, Charlie. Enough already.

Max insisted Kylie drive, and now everyone is propping her up. As if it wasn’t bad enough seeing her wake up with Max, I’m meant to suffer a hundred indignities as we all congratulate Kylie to within an inch of her life. This is too much.

“I think we have the cops to thank for saving us,” I say. Everyone goes silent. At least I’ve changed the tenor. “And Juan.”

“Yeah, thanks, dude,” Charlie says to Juan. “We owe you one.”

“It’s no problem. You don’t owe me anything,” Juan says.

Thank God, the conversation has turned. I have no clue who this Juan guy is, but I’d rather he be the focus of attention than Kylie.

I’m trying to keep my composure, but I can feel it weakening with every second. I’m, like, thirty seconds away from total hysteria. It’s been a long day and it’s not even nine a.m.

“Maybe Charlie should drive now,” I say. “I mean, it’s his car and we are in Mexico. Don’t want to take any chances. The police can be sticklers down here.” I don’t need the two of them sitting in the front seat together.

“I’m happy to get in the way back,” Juan says. “It’s getting a little crowded in here.”

“Fine with me. I need to look over my speech anyway,” Kylie says.

Kylie pulls over at a turnoff and Charlie jumps into the driver’s seat. Max stays in the passenger seat. I’m sure the plan is for Kylie to just pop in back with me. But that’s a no go, I’m afraid.

“Maxie, could you sit next to me? I’m not feeling so great,” I say.

“Uh, sure,” Max says. I don’t know if he really wants it. But I figure two hours of me and Max sitting next to one another will help bridge whatever gap may still remain between us.

“It’s cool. I can sit in front,” Kylie says, like she’s the most agreeable girl in the world.

Please. Honey, you don’t fool me, I saw you on that squash court. I know what a raving lunatic you are. And you know what a bitch I can be. So let the games begin.

Kylie gets in front, Juan gets in back, and Max climbs in next to me. We’ve still got Will in the row with us, unfortunately, but there’s no other place for him, except in the trunk, which would be fine with me. I’m guessing it’s not going to fly with everyone else, though. I’ll just have to pretend Will isn’t here. Easier said than done.

“You seem tense, sweetie,” I say to Max. “You want a neck massage?”

“I’m okay,” Max says. He seems almost uncomfortable around me. This is so not good.

“C’mon, I insist. It’s been a rough ride. It’ll make you feel better.”

Max hesitates a second before answering. “Uh…okay.” He doesn’t want to say no. But he doesn’t want to say yes.

I massage his neck, working my hands over his shoulders.

“Feel nice?”

“Yeah, thanks, Lil,” he says. And then, literally thirty seconds later: “I think I’m good now.”

What a joke. No way I’m stopping. I need to make this work for me. Show who’s the alpha dog here. My hands move around his shoulder and down his arms, over his torso, toward his legs. Will is watching us with obvious disdain.

Kylie takes a quick look over her shoulder.

Max moves his leg away. I ease off, but I’ve accomplished something. Things may not be entirely good between Max and me, but, at the very least, I’ve staked my claim. Kylie saw my hands all over him. Hopefully, she got the message.

am sitting in the front seat, hunched over my laptop, eating stale potato chips—which are somehow all the food we’ve got in the car—and staring at the screen. I’m trying to focus on my speech, but it’s hard with Max and Lily directly behind me practically having sex. Talk about inappropriate. They could at least wait until we’re all out of the car. I can’t stop asking myself how I could have been so wrong about him. I will my eyes to concentrate on the words in front of me, tuning out everything else, and I begin to read: Golda Meir once said, “Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement.” Today is the day we create ourselves. The decisions we make from now on will impact the rest of our lives. Every generation is handed the torch. It’s our turn now to take it and run with it, to show the world what we’ve got.

I’m having serious second thoughts. What I imagined was brilliant and heartfelt yesterday sounds clichéd and pretentious this morning.

I glance at the speech again.

We don’t have one second to waste. We can’t afford to make mistakes. Think carefully, choose wisely, set a tone. And get busy, class of 2012!

Maybe Max was right and the quote is off. I’m not sure anyone will relate to it. I’m not sure I do.

We can’t afford to make mistakes. Do I really feel that way? It sounds so severe. I mean, the last twenty-four hours were a huge mistake, but do I regret it? I don’t think I do. My answer surprises me a bit. But the truth is, despite the fact that it’s morning and things haven’t exactly gone in my favor, I learned I can survive outside of my tiny little world. I learned that even if it hurts sometimes, I’d rather be out there in the big, wide world than hidden safely inside my own cage. My heart may be broken, my clothes may be lost, my speech may no longer be relevant, but I’m stronger for it. Still, it’s not very helpful at the moment. I mean, what am I going to do about the damn speech? I don’t have time to rewrite the whole thing. And I’m certainly not going to just ad-lib a new one from the podium. I have no real choice. I’m going to have to go with it. It’s one speech, for a school I hated. I’ll say the words, get off the stage, and move on with my life. It won’t go down in the annals of Freiburg history as the world’s best valedictorian speech, but I’ll live.

We’ve now been driving for a while; we’re nearly in Tijuana. We’re making good time. If all goes well, we should be back by ten thirty, eleven. Maybe I’ll even have time to change. I realize I’m going to have to call my mom and come up with some kind of explanation for why I’m still not home, where I’ve been, and why I’m wearing a bright pink dress that looks distinctly South of the Border.

“You working on your speech, Kylie?” Max leans over from the back. His head is nearly flush with mine; his hair grazes mine. I feel a shiver shoot up my spine. I wish he didn’t do that to me. It would be much easier to pretend I don’t give a shit if my body would just play along.

I glance at him and can’t help catching an eyeful of Lily as well. She looks as sour as ever. Max is suddenly pretending to care. Please. Fool me once. Not twice. When Lily arrived he fell right back into old patterns. Last night was just a temporary deviation from form, or as he told Lily, “temporary insanity.” Once an asshole, always an asshole.

I’m not interested in conversation. That ship has sailed. We are no longer whatever we were last night. We’re not even friends. I may not regret the experience, but that doesn’t mean I want his pity.

“Uh, yeah,” I say.

“Want to read it to us? Try it out?”

“No. I don’t.” I turn around and give my computer my full attention, hoping something brilliant will come to mind. Maybe I can add a line here or there, incrementally improve things.

“The whole valedictorian thing is so stupid and overrated,” Lily says to no one in particular.

“I doubt you’d think it was overrated if you were the one chosen, like me,” I say. I’m in no mood for her attitude, and I’m in no mood to let her get away with it, either.

“Whatever. I so don’t care.”

“Lily, you care more than anyone,” Charlie adds. “You just weren’t first. Like Kylie.”

Charlie hasn’t said much this whole car ride, but what he has said hasn’t been anything like what I assumed he’d say. It’s a shock to my system. He’s not such an awful guy. I’m actually starting to like him. Guess I shouldn’t have kicked him in the shin.

“I wanted to come in first, but I never wanted the responsibility of the speech. It’s too much pressure. You spend all this time working on it, and then no one really listens, and the few people who do rip it to shreds. You just can’t win,” Lily says. “I feel bad for you, Kylie. I really do. I know how much work you’ve probably put into it. And I know how hard it’s going to be to pull it off.”

Lily isn’t fooling me. She’s trying to psych me out. Not going to work.

“Kylie’s speech is going to blow people away. I’ve heard it and it rocks. So shut your piehole, Lily,” Will snaps.

“I heard some of it too, and I’m sure Kylie’s going to be great,” Max says.

What a lie. He hated what he heard. Don’t bother defending me. I can fight my own battles, dude.

“You know what, Lily, I don’t really care what you or anyone else thinks. It’s one speech. One day. It’s like a sneeze in our lives.” I refuse to let Lily think she’s won. Sure, she’s gotten to Max. But she hasn’t gotten to me.

“It can be pretty embarrassing if it doesn’t go well. Three years ago, Janelle Davis gave such a bad speech, I heard that she’s still too embarrassed to come visit.”

“Lily!” Max scolds.

“What? I’m just saying…”

“Kylie, I meant to ask you guys earlier, but then it completely slipped my mind, with Guido the killer pimp after us. Why are you and Max wearing wedding rings? Must have gotten pretty serious last night,” Will says.

Oh, no. I know what Will’s doing. Trying to bitch slap Lily. But this isn’t the way.

“What?” Lily says, turning to Max. “You have a wedding ring?”

“Uh, not exactly,” Max says, sheepish.

I can’t help myself: I turn around and look at Max’s hand and discover he isn’t wearing his anymore. I slip mine off and put it in my pocket.

“Pretty sure I saw one on each of you this morning,” Will says. “Wait, wasn’t there a massive group wedding on the pier last night? You guys didn’t actually tie the knot in a crazy fit of spontaneity, did you? Because, I mean, you were both pretty wasted.”

I get a sick feeling in my stomach. I don’t want to do this.

Not here. Not now. The space is too claustrophobic. I turn around and shoot Will a look, but he ignores me.

“I mean, it wouldn’t surprise me. You looked pretty in love—”

“No! Nothing like that happened,” I say, cutting Will off, even though I’m not sure what exactly happened. My recollection is a little vague. I want to ask Max in privacy and then deal with the consequences later. Not in the car, with everyone listening.

“Actually, we did. We got married. On the pier. With about thirty other couples,” Max says. Jesus, what is he doing?

“What?!” Lily and I say it at the exact same time.

“Jinx,” Will says.

“Are you kidding me?” Lily spews her venom on Max. “You said nothing happened. It was all a mistake, temporary insanity. This is not nothing.”

“Which is a double negative, meaning something happened,” Will adds.

I need to stop this.

“Trust me, it was nothing,” I say. “We’re not really married. It was like a game on the pier. We both know it wasn’t real, right, Max?”

“I guess so,” Max says, without conviction. C’mon, help me out here.

“It was nothing,” I say again, wanting to emphasize my point.

“From what I saw last night, it sure didn’t look like nothing,” Will adds, not helping the situation at all.

“Well, it was,” I tell Will, shooting him yet another look, hoping he’ll actually get the point this time and shut the hell up.

“You can’t just get married without a license or anything,” I say. “Right?” I’m actually asking because I’m not quite sure, and I could use a bit of reassurance.

“Right,” Max says. “You need a license.”

“I cannot believe this. Just when I think it can’t get any worse. What the fuck were you thinking?” Lily comes at him like a bull out of a pen.

“Lily, calm down,” I say. “You heard Max. We’re not really married. You need a license. It was a goof. No big deal. A joke.” I don’t know why I’m trying to appease her. I guess because I don’t want this thing blowing up any more than it already has. What good can it do? I want to get to school without further damage.

“Max, why are you doing this to me?” Lily’s voice has risen ten octaves. It’s hurting my ears.

“Lily, we talked about this. Nothing happened. Chill.”

“Don’t tell me to chill,” Lily spits out. “I think I deserve some details about last night.” Her anger is in full bloom.

I know I’ve been pushing Max away, not interested in ever speaking to him again, but something about the way he says “nothing” infuriates me. And the truth is, I still don’t know what happened last night, after we got back to Manuel’s. I’ve been giving him the benefit of the doubt, hoping he was a gentleman. But now I want details too. I spin around in my seat and look at Max.

“You know what, Max,” I say. “I would actually like to know what happened, too. What does that mean, ‘nothing’?”

I should not be going down this road, but I’m exhausted, hurt, hungry, and angry. Not a great combination. So much for minimal damage.

“Let’s get it all out in the open,” I say.

“I’m all for that,” Lily chimes in.

Max looks panicked, furious. He’s being pressed on all sides.

“Maybe you guys should talk about this later? When we’re all not around and things have calmed down,” Charlie says.

“You know what? Charlie makes a good point,” Juan says. Too late, Juan. We’re in it. Bummer you had to be here.

“Fine.” Max looks from me to Lily. “Kylie, you want to know what happened last night? Lily, you want to know?”

“Yes,” we both say in unison.

“Nothing.” Max spits this out. “Okay? Nothing. What that means is that Kylie and I did not have sex. We slept together. As in fell asleep. That’s all. We were too drunk to do anything else.” As he says this particular piece, he looks me directly in the eye. “And we got married, but as Kylie pointed out, it doesn’t mean a thing. It wasn’t real. Nothing about the night was real. It was a stupid, drunken game. We barely know each other.”

Max’s voice has an edge to it, like he’s angry at me. Which is absurd. If anyone should be angry, it should be me.

“Excellent,” I say. “Thanks for clarifying that.” I turn around and stare at the road.

“You know what I don’t get?” Lily is not giving up the fight. “If you’re gonna sleep around behind my back, why would you do it with Kylie Flores? She’s not even hot. She’s just weird. And skanky.”

Before I have a chance to bite back, Will goes ballistic.

“Listen, you vile little rodent. Kylie has more intelligence, class, and God-given beauty in her pinkie finger than you’ll ever dream of having.”

“As if I care what you think,” Lily tells Will.

“Don’t go after Kylie, Lily. This is not about her,” Max threatens.

“What’s it about, then?” Lily demands.

“Us. You. Me.”

“I don’t get it.” Lily has now started crying. “Why are you defending her? If nothing happened, then why aren’t you taking my side?”

“There are no sides in this, Lily. Stop turning it into a war.” Max is talking to Lily but looking at me now.

I can’t stay silent any longer. “Lily, you have nothing to worry about. Okay? Max is all yours. News flash: I don’t want him.”

can’t stand Kylie. That’s not true. But I wish it were. It would make things a shitload easier.

How could I have thought she was anything other than completely psycho? How can she just stare at me like nothing at all happened last night? Sure, Lily’s arrival has thrown a wrench into things, but Kylie doesn’t even seem to understand what a tough spot I’m in.

Whatever we had is done. Finished. It obviously didn’t mean a thing to her.

Lily is crying harder now. I feel bad she had to walk into the middle of my nightmare. If only she’d stayed back in La Jolla like I wanted her to. Charlie and I could have gotten through this by ourselves. But with Lily and Will along, things are spiraling out of control. I’m not sure how to make things better, but I know I need to try. It’s the best course of action at this point.

I put an arm around Lily. “C’mon, Lil, it’s not that bad. It’s one sucky car ride, but there’s graduation, parties, and the whole summer to get psyched about.”

This seems to make Lily cry even harder.

Funny how Will and Kylie aren’t saying anything now. Like they’re waiting for me to take care of this. If only I’d never agreed to do Murphy’s stupid assignment, none of us would be here.

“Lil, I’m sorry about all this. Try to calm down. It’s seriously going to be okay,” I say, knowing it’s pretty pathetic comfort at the moment. I wish I could go back to loving Lily and barely knowing Kylie existed. But it’s too late for that.

“No. It’s not going to be okay! Nothing is going to be okay ever again,” Lily shouts. “My life is over. Completely fucked!”

Whoa! This seems like an overreaction even for Lily. What’s going on? She looks so desperate, like something inside her has broken. That can’t be all about me, can it?

“This is going to be something we all laugh about in a few weeks,” I say, not entirely convinced that’s true. “You’re just being melodramatic—”

“I am not being melodramatic. I am being honest. For once. Things are bad. Worse even than they seem right now. My entire life is shit.”

“Lily, what are you talking about? Everything’s going to be fine. You’ll see, after graduation—”

“My dad is going to jail.” Lily says this between sobs.

“Your dad’s going to jail?” I say.

“Jail?” Kylie says.

“Seriously?” Will asks.

I pray Will doesn’t say anything else. I swear I will beat the shit out of him if he makes this worse.

“What do you mean? Why is he going to jail?” I put my arm around Lily. I need to get her to calm down, to talk to me. She’s really freaking me out.

“I just found out. Two days ago. But since you weren’t around all day yesterday, I haven’t been able to tell you. He’s been arrested for fraud, or money laundering, or, I don’t even know what.” Lily is sobbing. Hard. “I didn’t want anyone to know, but what does it matter? Everyone’s going to find out when he goes to trial.”

“Jesus Christ.” This is from Juan, in the way back. I’m sure he wished he never got on this crazy train to begin with.

“Lily, I’m so sorry I haven’t been there for you.…” I say, at a loss for more words. There’s no way to make this right. It’s all so wrong. “How did you find out?”

“Mom unloaded everything last night. But things have been weird for a while. You never want to talk, so I didn’t say anything. Maybe that’s why you haven’t told me how sick your dad is. In fact, if I remember correctly, you said he was going to be fine. I guess that’s your fallback response. Everything’s going to be fine. Don’t worry. Be happy.” Lily is now half crying, half yelling at me. This has become a very private fight in the middle of a very public car full of people.

“I’m really sorry, Lily. I should have told you,” I say.

This is all coming at me too fast. I have no idea how to react.

hat have I wrought? I was just trying to teach Lily a lesson, but now the shit has really hit the fan, and Kylie seems royally pissed at me. Max just seems depressed, and Lily, as always, seems like a nasty piece of work, but at least she’s got some real live problems to moan about. Even I’m feeling sorry for her now. And what must Juan be thinking? He probably wants to get away from us, from me, as fast as he can. He’s ruing his decision to ever get in the car. Ruing the day he met me. Me and my big mouth. “Jesus, Max, if you and I could talk, really talk, maybe we wouldn’t be in this stupid, fucking situation in the first place,” Lily says, still crying, snot running down her tearstained face. She’s unraveling. I think I prefer her as a psycho killer rather than a pitiable, crying mess.

“Maybe not,” Max says. He looks beaten down to a bloody pulp. Poor guy.

I need to introduce a cocktail of levity and a plate of titillating niblets into the mix. I created this mess. Now I’ve got to clean it up. Or at least brush it under the rug.

“I lost my virginity last night. To Juan,” I blurt out.

“No one cares,” Lily snaps.

“Will…” Kylie shoots me a warning look.

“What?” I say to her. “I was attempting to change the subject. Jesus, no medals for trying.”

No one says anything. I thought the least they could do was offer up a little congratulations. Lily is such a bitch. I take back my pity.

“You’re so selfish,” Lily says, obviously intent on blasting Max until he’s dust.

“Look, I’m really sorry about your dad. Really sorry about last night. Really sorry about everything. I don’t what know more I can say.…” Max offers.

“Lily, lay off Max. At least for right now. You guys need to talk about this, but alone,” Charlie cuts in.

“That’s right, Charlie. Defend your buddy. That’s pretty ironic, isn’t it?” Lily turns to Charlie.

“Okay, Lily, enough,” Charlie warns.

“Don’t you think it’s already gone too far, Charlie?” Lily is holding a box of matches and seems determined to torch the whole ship.

Charlie doesn’t say anything. Neither does Max, who appears to have shut down operations.

“You want more secrets?” Lily ramps it up.

Oh God, I’m not sure we can handle it.

“I don’t think we do, Lily,” Kylie says.

“Too damn bad,” Lily says. “Charlie and I hooked up yesterday, at Luca’s party.”

Yikes. Lily has lit the first match, it lays on the deck, waiting to catch fire.

“What?” Max says, visibly shaken.

I turn to Juan, who’s staring wide-eyed at the proceedings, and say, “I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.” This is even too much theatrics for me.

Juan puts his finger to his mouth and says simply, “Shh!” I guess he’s enjoying the show. Why not? They’re all just actors to him.

“Dude,” Charlie says. “It’s not what you think.”

“So, you did hook up?” Max says.

“No. I mean, we were drunk. Lily was upset about you. She didn’t know where you were. We kissed. That’s it.”

“What the fuck?” Max is pissed. The irony here cannot be ignored. Unfortunately, Max doesn’t seem as keenly aware of it as I am.

“Max, it didn’t mean anything.” Charlie says this more emphatically, but Max is still staring at him in disbelief.

Charlie is throwing Max’s own words back in his face. Am I the only one who sees what a sham these people are? What hypocrites? All of them messing around on each other, none of it meant to be taken seriously. I wish Kylie hadn’t gotten involved.

“Dude, you’re my best friend,” Max says.

“Max. It. Didn’t. Mean. Anything. It was, like, one kiss.”

Max sits silently. We all do. Lily just watches. I can’t tell if she’s enjoying the havoc she’s wreaked or if she’s so far gone she’s inured to it all.

“It was like kissing a friend,” Charlie says.

“Your best friend’s girlfriend. Which is really fucked up. I mean, where does that leave us?” Max demands.

“You’re like my brother. Max, I was wasted. I’m sorry.” Charlie seems on the verge of tears.

“You macked on my girlfriend. That is unbelievable. You’re my best friend. My best friend.” Max is talking more to himself than to Charlie.

“And you spent the night with another girl. So why do you get to judge me?”

Uh-oh. Here we go.…Buckle up, it’s going to get bumpy.

“Wow…okay. Is that how we’re going to do this?” Max asks Charlie.

There’s a long, awkward moment where it feels like we’re all holding our breath, and then Charlie lets out an audible sigh.

“No. It’s not. Look, I don’t want to go there, dude. Bottom line, it shouldn’t have happened. But it did and I’m really sorry.” Charlie says this in a very measured tone. “I swear to you, it didn’t mean anything because I’m…gay. I’m gay.”

He says it twice. As if we didn’t hear it the first time. Trust me, it made a huge impression on the first go-round.

Even Lily looks stunned by this doozy.

Gay? Charlie? I’d like to say “I told you so,” but this doesn’t exactly seem like the right moment.

“You’re what?” Max asks Charlie.

I guess Max does need to hear it a few times before it sinks in. Straight guys can be so dense.

“I’m gay. Okay? I’m gay.”

I hear you, my friend. No need to hit me over the head.