Текст книги "Every Frat Boy Wants It"

Автор книги: Todd Gregory

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Текущая страница: 13 (всего у книги 13 страниц)

Chapter 13

re you completely insane?" Blair stared at me. He .was wearing a pair of red sweatpants and a white tank top, sitting at his desk with his laptop open. I was sitting on his bed, taking a hit out of the dragon. He shook his head. "I mean, really, Jeff, what is wrong with you?" He shook his head. "What purpose would it serve?"

I blew out the smoke. "There's nothing wrong with me at all." I coughed for a few minutes-the pot was really harsh-and wiped the tears out of my eyes. "For the first time in a long time, I'm right, if you know what I mean." I handed the dragon back to him. "I just can't keep hiding who I am. It's wrong." And I am not going to do it anymore, I added to myself.

Blair just sat there, staring at me with his mouth open. It was the Sunday after Big Brother Night. It had taken me two days to steal my nerve to come down and talk to him. I'd rehearsed what I was going to say over and over again, trying to think of a calm, rational way to convince him that I was right, to get him to realize that it was the right thing to do. I'd avoided the other brothers, staying in my room and studying, working on a story for my fiction writing class, but I couldn't stay focused. Different options kept coming to me. What if Blairsays no, you can'tconvince him, are you willing to stand alone in front of the brotherhood and be honest? How am Igoingto tellMom and Dad? But I couldn't do anything without talking to him, without trying to make things right between the two of us. I loved him, and I wasn't sure that would ever change. I missed him. I wanted to be with him again. He'd changed my life, helped me to face up to who I really was, and I owed him. I missed the feel of his body against mine, his kisses, those wonderful moments after we had both just came and lay there, panting and sweating in each other's arms. If there was no future for us, so be itbut I had to make the attempt.

What will you do if he refuses to come out to the brothers? How can you be together then?

I figured I'd cross that bridge when I came to it.

My hands were sweating as I walked down to his room, going over what I planned to say to him one more time.

Of course, once I finally knocked on the door and was in his room, I'd just blurted it out. Blair, I think we need to come out to the Brotherhood.

"I admire you for your courage, Jeff," he finally said. "If you think you need to, for yourself, that's fine. But it's not something I'm ready to do." His hands shook slightly as he took a hit off the dragon. "I don't know if I'll ever be able to." His eyes looked a little wet. "I just don't know."

"Aren't you tired of lying?" I asked, my heart sinking. I felt like crying myself. I knew I wasn't going to be able to convince him. "Aren't you tired of pretending to be something you aren't? We're not supposed to lie to the brothers, you know" I pleaded with him. "Remember? `A brother never lies to another brother.' It was one of our pledge lessons."

"Exactly." Blair put the bong down on his desk. "They won't drum us out of the Brotherhood for being gay, Jeff. They'll drum us out for lying about it. We've committed an honor code violation, and that's what they'll use to throw us out."

I opened my mouth, and then closed it again. I couldn't think of anything else to say to him.

"The ideals of the Brotherhood, Jeff, are just thatideals. Something to strive for." He shook his head again. "But ideals aren't reality, and you know that-deep down, you know it. Not all of the brothers are that open-minded, you know. Some of them wouldn't care about us being gay, but more of them then you think would ... and they'd use the lying to throw us right out of here." He gave a hollow laugh. "They would have never pledged either one of us if they'd known-but then they'll drum us out for not telling."

"I don't believe that," I replied stubbornly. "And besides, if that's the case, they aren't maybe the kind of brothers I'd want to have anyway."

"So, Jeff, are you willing to risk the Brotherhood for this?" he asked. "Because that's the bottom line. You could lose everything you have here."

"If it's based on a lie, Blair, what exactly do I have here?" I sighed. "Blair, I just-fuck, I don't know."

"I've missed you," he went on, reaching over and placing his hand on my knee. "I knew something changed for you in Palm Springs, and so I gave you your space, thinking you just needed some time, and you'd get over whatever it was that was bothering you, and you'd come back to me. It killed me, you know." He swallowed, and wiped tears out of his eyes. "It killed me knowing you were just upstairs and I couldn't be with you." He sighed, "And this is what it was all about, right?"

I nodded, and placed my own hand over his, squeezing it. "Blair, I-I've always loved you. That's not ever going to stop."

Blair started laughing.. "God, I am such a fucking drama queen. I thought you were pissed about doing the movie, and you blamed me for getting you into it. And I was so pissed at myself, you know, for risking what we had by-"

I rolled my eyes and started laughing. "No, I'm GLAD I made the movie-it was making the movie that started all this-it was while making the movie I felt free, and then when we went back to your dad's, it was like I was, I don't know. It just didn't feel right anymore to keep everything a secret. I mean, I knew something in me had changed-and it wasn't a bad thing, Blair, you have to believe that. But to be honest, I didn't even figure it out myself until the other night, when Mike was passed out in my bed." I rubbed my eyes. "I just feel like a fraud, Blair. I mean, how can I teach Mike about what it means to be a brother when I'm not a good brother? And I had to ask myself, would Mike have chosen me as his big brother had he known the truth? I can't keep this up. It's driving me crazy."

"You take this stuff too seriously." Blair answered. "Don't get me wrong, I think it's great-maybe it's the creative writer in you, I don't know. But you need to stop worrying about this kind of stuff. It's stuff you can't control. Like I said before, the brotherhood has wonderful ideals, but what you need to understand is that ideals are something to strive for, and they're not necessarily reality." He reloaded the bong. "People aren't perfect-not that any of us ever claimed to be, God knows I'm not, but we need ideals so that we can try to be better people."

"Yeah, but-"

"No buts." He cut me off. "The Brotherhood is only as strong as its weakest link, remember that? There are plenty of weak links around here. And don't think brothers don't suspect about you and me. There's been plenty of talk around here about us, don't ever think there isn't. Or wasn't, I don't know if there still is or not. And nobody cared, Jeff, that's the important thing. They didn't care enough to say anything to either of us, to keep you from being initiated, or to bring us up in front of the Brotherhood."

"So, as long as we keep it quiet, everything will be okay?"

"They don't care as long as we don't make an issue of it. We make an issue of it, they'll drum us out on honor code. Period."

I sighed. "I suppose." I stood up. "I'm glad we talked."

"So am I." he looked over at me. "You want to come down later and-um." He hesitated.

"I can think of nothing I would rather do." I walked over and kissed the top of his head. "I've missed you, too."

"Are we good now?"

I nodded.

"You don't have to go, if you don't want to." He cleared his throat. "I'd like it if you stayed ..."

I got up and walked over to where he was sitting, and knelt down in between his legs. I leaned into him and pressed my mouth against his, and he let out that low moan I'd missed hearing from down in his throat. I slid my tongue into his mouth and he started sucking on it as his hands went down and undid my jeans. He slid a hand inside my pants and started gently rubbing the head of my cock. I slid my mouth down to his right nipple and started teasing it with my lips and my tongue, and his head went back. With my righ hand I grabbed hold of his hard-on through his sweat pants.

"Oh, God, Jeff, I've missed you so much..." he whispered. He pushed me away, and stood up, sliding his sweatpants down and stepping out of them. I smiled and pulled my shirt up over my head. Immediately he put his mouth on my nipples as I slid my pants down, and began nibbling first on the right one, before moving over to the left. My cock was ready to explode. He pushed me back down on the bed and took my cock in his mouth, sliding his mouth up and down on me. It felt so amazing. I just tilted my head back and gave in to the sensation of his warm wet mouth on my cock. He nibbled on the head a bit, teasing it with his teeth and then licking it until I thought I was going to explode. My entire body began to arch up-and then he put his hands on my stomach and smiled at me. "Oh no, not yet, my love." He slid a condom on over me, straddling me. I reached up and started playing with his nipples. His breath started coming in gasps as he lowered himself down on me, and began riding me.

I'd missed being inside him. I'd almost forgotten what it felt like to have my cock in his ass, and I started bucking my hips up. I loved him so much, I wanted us to be joined, I wanted my cock to go as far inside of him as I could get it. I always felt so much closer to him when we were fucking ... and he was smiling at me until his eyes closed in pleasure and the moans started coming from deep inside his chest.

After we both came, he lay down beside me on the bed, our arms around each other. I could hear him breathing, could hear his heartbeat, and it was almost as though our hearts were beating in sync with one another.

This is love, and there's no way this could be wrong, I told myself before I finally closed my eyes and went to sleep.

So, we patched up our problems and fell back into our old routine-spending a lot of time together, furtively making love whenever we got the chance.

And what he said finally started making some sense to me. I went over to my parents' house a couple of times for dinner, steeling myself on the drive over to have The Talk, and found that when I was looking at them across the dinner table I couldn't do it. There's a lot you don't know about beinggay, I thought to myself one night as I headed back to the house after chickening out again, and outside of Blair, you really don't have anyone you can talk to about it. Obviously, I couldn't join the Gay Student Group on campus-maybe after I outed myself to the Brotherhood, but surely not until then. So, I made up a new email address, and started posting questions about being gay on groups all over the Internet. I wanted to know what other people thought about the situation I found myself in, and wasn't prepared for the responses I got to my posts.

Some were angry:

By staying in the closet, you're telling your fraternity brothers they're right to discriminate against other gay people and it's okay to be homophobic. By staying in the closet and not being yourself you're harming other openly gay college students. People like your fraternity brothers think it's okay to hate gay people because they think they don't know any-but they really do.

Are you proud of yourself? Does it feel good to live a lie? Why would you want to befriends with people who wouldn't like you if they knew who you really were?

And others were supportive:

Don't listen to people who want to insult you or berate you for living your life the way you chose to. They don't know what your life is like or anything about who you are or what you're going through unless they've been in the same exact situation. Coming out of the closet is difficult for anyone, no matter who they are, and it sounds to me like you're getting to the point where you are going to be ready to-but you aren't there yet, otherwise you wouldn't be questioning the decision. When you're ready, it will feel right and you will know it. Don't be bullied into something you aren't ready for yet.

Hang in there!

It wasn't much help, frankly.

So I pretty much just focused on studying, spending time with Blair, and being a good big brother to Mike. I still was incredibly attracted to him-who wouldn't be? But it was pretty apparent that Mike was a straight boy, and not one of those who was a little on the frisky side after a six pack or so. I also didn't feel right about trying to take advantage of him when he was drunk-he was such a sweet guy. He never had anything bad to say about anyone, and even when he was hanging out with me and Blair, smoking pot and drinking beer, and we'd say shit about other brothers, he could always find something nice to say about them. And after he would go back to his apartment, Blair would just look at me and say, "He's almost too nice to be real, isn't he?"

I would just laugh, and then we'd start kissing, and forget all about him.

Life was good, I guess, but I still wasn't comfortable lying to the Brotherhood.

But I was pretty sure the right time would come.

The semester seemed to fly by, much quicker than I would have ever thought possible. Blair wanted me to come spend the summer with him in Los Angeles-his father was going to be in southeast Asia somewhere making a movie, and his mother was doing a play in London. "I am not spending the summer in London," he said after he got off the phone with her. He gave me a crooked grin. "I am not going all summer without seeing you."

He got a big kiss for that.

And I felt a lot better about everything. My grades were high, I actually liked my classes-especially my Fiction Writing class, and for Spring Break, Blair and I planned on going down to Palm Springs to stay at his dad's again. "I'm not making another movie," I said with a laugh when he first suggested the trip.

"As if I would let you!" He grinned back at me. "I'm not going to go through that again."

On the Friday morning before spring break started, there was a knock on my door. "It's open!" I called out from my desk. I was trying to finish writing a short story that was due to my creative writing class the Monday after spring break. I wanted to have it finished so I wouldn't have to worry about it over the break. I looked up. "Oh, hey, Marc."

Marc Kearney came in and shut the door behind. "Are you busy?"

I had maybe another five hundred words to add to the story, but that probably wouldn't take a lot of time to do. "Nothing that can't keep for a bit. What's going on?"

He bit his lip. "I don't know how to say this, Jeff, so I am going to come right out and say it. You've been reported to the Executive Council for an honor code violation."

My entire body went cold. "What? Why? What did I do?"

"Look, I'm not supposed to be telling you any of this, okay? But the Executive Council met last night, and when break is over, they're going to call you in on Monday afternoon to determine whether or not to put you on trial before the entire Brotherhood."

"What am I supposed to have done?" Someone knows raced through my head, followed just as quickly by I knew I should have gone before the Brotherhood when I wanted to.

"I'm telling you all of this because I like you and think you have a lot to offer to the house." Marc went on like I hadn't said anything. "A lot more than Ted Norris, that's for goddamned sure. I can't believe he would do this to you after what happened during Inspiration Week-you'd think the little fuck would be grateful, but no! And just how he found out about you in the first place is what I would like to know. So, I think you should be prepared-it's only fair."

"Marc, I appreciate this." I felt lightheaded. "But what have I done?"

"There's a movie being advertised on the Internet, Pool Studs, or something like that. Anyway, there's a guy in this movie who looks just like you. They have lots of pictures of him on their website, and Ted showed it to the Executive Council." Marc patted my shoulder. "I'm sure it's just a coincidence-"

I started laughing. "No, it's no coincidence, Marc. No coincidence at all. It's me. I made that movie while I was in Palm Springs during winter break."

"Oh." He bit his lip, and I couldn't help wondering if he was thinking about that night during Little Sister Rush when I was a pledge. "You can always deny it, you know, stranger things have happened, you can just say the guy looks like you-"

"I have no intention of denying it, Marc." The initial panic was over, and I knew then that I was never going to deny who I was anymore. I felt remarkably calm. The decision had been made for me, and that was my only regret-I just wished I had been the one to decide when to tell the Brotherhood the truth. And of all people, to have Ted Norris be the one to out me to the Brotherhood. There was a kind of delicious irony there. Ted thought he was punishing me for some reason-getting even for slights during our pledge semester. I wasn't even angry at him. It was kind of funny in a way.

If he only knew he was doing me a favor! That was certainly going to take all the pleasure out of it for him, wasn't it?

"Are you sure you want to do that?"

"Marc, don't worry. I'm not going to expose you or what happened between us. That's between you and your conscience. But I'm not going to be another Ted and betray anyone else to the Executive Council." I folded my arms. "Unlike Ted, I believe in the ideals of the Brotherhood."

He reached out and shook my hand. "For what's worth, I won't vote to blackball you."

"Thanks, Marc."

I sat there staring at my computer screen for a while, and after a few minutes, I started laughing. Poor stupid Ted! He was probably all proud of himself-thinking he was bringing me down once and for all. He was in for a big surprise after spring break. The only question was how is Blairgoing to handle this?

The only thing I had, the only thing that was fair, was to be completely honest with him.

I told Blair on the drive down to Palm Springs.

"That miserable little son of a bitch!" Blair swore. "I'll kill him!"

"You don't need to, I'm actually glad this is all coming out, Blair," I replied. "Keep your eyes on the road! No, there isn't going to be a trial before the Brotherhood, Blair. When we get back, I am going before the Executive Council, tell them the truth, and resign from the house. I'm not going to fight this, I'm not going to lie about it, I'm not going to keep hiding who and what I am. And after I resign from the Brotherhood, I'm going to go tell my parents. And don't worry, I'm not going to out you to the Executive Council."

He was silent. After a few moments, he said, "You won't have to. I'm going in with you and resign as well."

My heart swelled with love and pride. "You don't have to"

"I know I don't have to, Jeff. I want to." He laughed. "Who wants to be a part of a house that would throw you out and keep fucking Ted Norris?"

"Please don't use the word fucking in conjunction with Ted Norris." I shuddered. "That's a mental image I don't want to have."

We both laughed, and that was the end of the discussion.

Spring Break was absolutely amazing. Blair and I had a blast, partying and meeting other out college kids. We had the most amazing sex, as well as our first three way with a hot guy from UCLA who belonged to a gay fraternity there. But even as each day passed, and the day of reckoning drew nearer, I felt freer. I was looking forward to that Monday, and it couldn't come fast enough for me.

And Monday afternoon, Blair and I walked into the President's office to meet with the Executive Council, holding hands. They all stared at us.

"Esteemed brothers," I said. "Brother Blanchard and I wish to request permission to address the Executive Council."

"Permission granted," Jake Beardsley, the current President, stated. He was still staring at our linked hands. He looked a little pale. I'd always liked Jake, even though I'd never really gotten to know him all that well.

I cleared my throat. "I am offering my resignation from the Brotherhood. I have violated the honor code of Beta Kappa by lying to the brotherhood. I have been lying to the brotherhood ever since I first accepted my pledge bid. I have never once outright told a lie, or answered a question with a lie, but rather have lied by not being honest about myself to the Brotherhood. I am a gay man. I am in love with Brother Blanchard, and we have been in a relationship since last summer, before I accepted my pledge bid. As such, I have no recourse other than to resign from the Brotherhood."

Jake's face went even paler, and his eyes bulged a bit. "Is this true, Brother Blanchard?" He managed to choke out, and I wondered what he had thought when Ted had come to them with his accusation.

"Yes, Brother Beardsley, it is true," Blair answered. "I too am offering my resignation."

"It saddens me to hear this," Jake cleared his throat, and looked around at the other members of the Council before continuing. "I don't think these honor violations require either of you to resign from the Brotherhood. I understand why the two of you might have felt the need to deceive the Brotherhood, and I can assure you that on my part, there was no need. My older brother is a gay man as well-and I feel that both of you are an asset to the house, assets that will be sorely missed. I move that we do not accept your resignations and rather put it to a vote by the entire Brotherhood at our meeting this evening."

"I second that," Marc said.

"Are there any objections?" When no one said a word, Jake said, "We will put it the Brotherhood tonight. You two are excused."

Back in Blair's room, we sat down together on the bed. "What do you think will happen tonight?" I asked. "It sounded to me like they'd already talked about it a lot-but they didn't expect us to come in there and be honest and admit to it. And in a way, it's kind of passing the buck by sending it to the whole Brotherhood in a way ... but then again, I guess-oh, I don't know." I took his hand. "No, it couldn't be decided by them. I want the entire Brotherhood to vote on it. I don't want anyone saying later they didn't have a say in it."

Blair shrugged. " Maybe, Jeff." He leaned over and kissed me. "All I know is regardless of how it all comes out, we don't have to hide our love from anyone ever again." And he put his head down on my chest. "And that's the best thing. You were right, Jeff. I feel so relieved."

Without question, it was the longest afternoon I'd ever spent in my life. We stayed in Blair's room until we were sent for by the Brotherhood. When the knock on the door finally came, Marc Kearney's face was solemn. "The Brotherhood is ready for you, now."

We followed him into the Great Room, where the brothers were all seated at the dining tables formed into a large circle. We were led into the center of the circle, and faced the Executive Council. I stole a quick glance around the solemn faces of the Brotherhood, and noticed that Ted wasn't one of them.

"Ted's not here." I whispered to Blair.

Jake cleared his throat. "Brothers Blanchard and Morgan, the Brotherhood has voted on your application to resign from Beta Kappa fraternity." He paused, and I could feel the sweat forming under my arms. "There was much vigorous discussion. But ultimately, the Brotherhood decided that the two of you did violate the honor code." My heart sank. "But the Brotherhood also decided that there were extenuating circumstances that led to this violation, and it is not the Brotherhood's intent to be unjust or unfair. So the Brotherhood has rejected your resignations. You are both, however, placed on a two semester probation for the violation. Another violation, and your membership will be revoked." He slammed his gavel down on the table. "May this matter be closed forever."

I stood there for a moment, not believing what I'd just heard.

And then, every single one of the brothers cheered.

Before we knew it, our brothers had surrounded us, clapping and hugging us.

"Meeting is dismissed!" Jake shouted over the noise.

"Just don't be looking at me in the shower," Jerry Pollard said as he hugged me.

"Don't worry," I teased him back and we both laughed.

When Marc Kearney hugged me, I whispered to him, "Where's Ted?"

"Ted resigned." Marc said with a sigh. "It was-I can't describe it, Jeff. When the vote went in your favor, he tore off his pin, announced he wouldn't be a part of a Brotherhood that would condone such immoral behavior, and stormed out." He shrugged. "Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say."

"Immoral behavior?" I started laughing. "He said that? Has he ever been to a party at this place?"

Marc cracked up.

Finally, Blair and I made it back to his room, joined by a group of brothers. We smoked pot, drank, and laughed and sang the fraternity song.

And finally, around midnight, we were alone together.

"We did it," Blair said, unbuttoning my shirt.

"There's nothing we can't do as long as we do it together." I leaned down and kissed him on the mouth.

"I love you, Jeff."

"I love you, Blair."

And that night, we went to sleep in each others' arms in his bed with the curtains wide open, so anyone who walked by could see us.

We were never going to have to hide ever again.

Just before I fell asleep, I looked over at Blair's closet. I could see a red sweatshirt with the big black and white BK on the front.

Beta Kappa.

Tears of joy filled my eyes, and then I laughed.

I sure have come a long way from Kansas.

And what a great journey it's been.