Текст книги "Honor and Betray"

Автор книги: Teresa Mummert

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Текущая страница: 5 (всего у книги 8 страниц)

“Let me explain.” I placed my hands on either side of her face against the tree, so she couldn’t leave.

“It’s a yes or no question.” She pushed against my chest again, but I didn’t move. Her eyes danced across the cemetery. We were completely alone now.

“Please, fucking listen to me.” I hated begging for anything, but I needed her to hear me out so she wouldn’t run off with nightmares plaguing her thoughts about what she thought had happened.

“Why was she here?” she asked as tears streamed down her cheeks. “Why was she here?” she asked again angrily.

I grabbed her wrists and held them down at her sides as I pushed my body against hers. I needed to hold her, to know she was mine. I was losing her. I couldn’t fucking lose her. She belonged to me. She had told me she was mine.

“Get off me!” she struggled to free herself from my grip, but it was halfhearted. She knew she couldn’t overpower me. Her body sagged against the tree as I held on to her like she was my gravity. She kept me grounded, and without her, I didn’t know what kind of monster I would become.

“No one before you matters.” I ran my nose along the length of her neck, inhaling the scent of flowers.

“Don’t.” The sadness in her voice was like stabbing a knife in my chest. I had caused this pain in her.

“Please,” I whispered desperately as my lips moved along her throat, leaving light kisses. My breathing grew ragged as I struggled to hold on to my sanity. “Emma, don’t leave me.” I begged, and I knew she had all of the power. It was never me. I knew I would have nothing if I lost her. My world would implode, but Emma would move on, and eventually she would find someone she deserved. The thought made me sick to my stomach. I knew it would be best to let her go, but I couldn’t. I pulled back to look at her face. She squeezed her eyes closed as she struggled to stop her tears.

“Tell me you love me.”

Her head turned away from me. I placed a hand on either side of her face, forcing her to look me in the eye.

“I don’t want to,” she whispered. I pressed my mouth against hers, needing to feel her love for me. She might not have said the words, but I knew her feelings were real. They had to be real. Her lips began to move with mine giving me a tiny glimmer of hope. Her lips parted, and I deepened our kiss, groaning as her tongue pressed back against mine. I needed to show her how much I cared for her the only way I knew how. It wasn’t with my actions, and I knew I didn’t say the things she wanted to hear, but I could make her feel it. My hand slid down her side as I pushed my hips against hers.

She pulled her lips from mine as she struggled to right her breathing.

“I can’t. I can’t do this.” She shook her head as fresh tears pricked her eyes. I slid the pad of my thumb over the apple of her cheek.

“Emma, you are the only person who means anything to me.”

Chapter Thirteen

Emma stared down at her hands, refusing to look me in the eye as big heavy drops fell through the branches of the tree. I knew in that moment I had lost her. She would never understand the things I had done. She would never forgive me for the lies and pain I had caused. I had taken a life full of promise and destroyed it, smothered it with my fucked-up sense of affection. Even though she stood in front of me, she was long gone. She was never mine to own. She wasn’t an object I could claim and keep on a shelf for when I wanted to play. I just wished I had figured that out before it was too late.

“Come home with me, please. I’ll tell you anything you want to know. Please.” I needed her to understand that everything I had done was out of love for her. I knew once I spilled my secrets there would be no turning back. I wouldn’t get a second chance. I didn’t deserve one, but Emma did. She deserved to move on and find someone who wasn’t fucked up. I could give her that one last thing by letting her know who I really was.

Thunder rumbled in the distance as the rain picked up. She nodded, wrapped my arm around her waist, and I guided her toward my black BMW. We were completely soaked when we finally reached the car. Still, I opened her door and waited until she was inside and secure before I got in.

I drove for miles, listening to the sound of the rain on the car roof as I thought of where I was going to start with my confessions.

“Who is she?” Her voice shook under the weight of her words.

“She…shares a similar…lifestyle as me.” I looked over at Emma’s face scrunched in confusion.

“What does that mean? Is she a teacher?”

I laughed sardonically at her innocence and how fucked up of a person I really was. “No.” I shook my head as I stole another glance at her.

“She’s…like me.”

“No. No one is like you.” I reached over to take her and offer her some sort of comfort, but she pulled away, recoiling from my touch. She pressed herself against her door as I repeated her words. “She’s like me.” Her eyes burned into me as she let the information sink in.

“But why would you…?” Her voice trailed off as she struggled to understand why I needed to do the things I did. For her it was fun and kinky, but for me it was a necessity. It was the only way I could get close to someone else. I could never let my guard down. I gripped the steering wheel so tightly that my knuckles turned white. I needed to get us back to my place. I couldn’t do this without looking her in the eye. I pushed down on the gas pedal as I made my way down the highway.

“Slow down.”

“She helped me work through things, Emma.” If I could just make her understand—it was the only way I could be close to anyone.

“Work through things? What does that even mean?”

“Sexually. She is a…dom—” I reached out for her again, but she refused my touch.

“Slow down.” She called out again.

“Why was she there?”

That was the real question, and I knew I was going to throw her entire world out of orbit with the information I had to share.

“She wasn’t there for me. She came to pay her respects to your aunt.” I glanced over at her before focusing on the road. The rain was coming down so hard that the wipers couldn’t keep up.

“Your aunt…” I couldn’t find the right words to make this any easier for her. “Your aunt was also like me.” It was more than confessing an alternative lifestyle. I was also confessing that I had known Judy. I was a liar. But she needed to understand that I had never laid a finger on J.

“No.” Emma shook her head as she processed the information. “No.”

“Emma, please.” I grabbed her wrist, needing to feel her heartbeat under my fingertips. “I never touched her. Never! I promise you. I barely knew her.” She struggled to free herself from my grip. “I haven’t been with anyone else since I began seeing you.”

I knew I should let her go. She didn’t want me to touch her, and I didn’t deserve any comfort from her.

“You knew her this whole time? You have been lying to me this whole time?” she yelled.

“Emma, please. I didn’t know when I met you. I will tell you anything you want to know.” I was desperate, clinging to the hope that the truth would somehow set me free. Hoping that, when it was all said and done, I could start new. But I still couldn’t force myself to let go of her. I gripped her wrist tightly in my hand as I clung to my sanity. I searched her eyes for compassion, for a glimmer of hope that she wouldn’t think I was evil.

“I hate you.”

Her words were like a hot knife in my flesh. I had fucked up beyond repair, but I had done it for her. Everything was for her.

“Emma, please…” my voice shook.

“William!” she screamed in terror, and in that moment, the world slowed. I released her, finally able to break from her pull, but it was too late. There was no pain, just the deafening sound of metal crunching and twisting around us. In an instant, she was ripped from my heart, and my world went dark.

Chapter Fourteen

My head was throbbing as I awoke. I felt like I had been on a three-day bender. The light stung my eyes, and I had to squint to keep from making my head hurt worse. Small, delicate fingers squeezed my hand. I looked up at the beautiful brunette that stood over me. She looked like she had been through hell and back, and I imagined if she had been wherever I was, that was an accurate description.

A man cleared his throat, and I turned my head, wincing in pain at the sudden movement. “Where am I?” I asked him as he stood with clipboard in hand.

“Kippling Hospital,” the female spoke as she shoved her hands in her pockets and sucked her lower lip in between her teeth. She had a beautiful mouth, but she looked so fucking sad. I wanted to ask her if she was okay, but the doctor interrupted my thoughts as my eyes stayed locked on her mouth.

“Welcome back to the world.” His voice was loud and only caused the throbbing in my head to intensify. “Can you tell me your name?”

“William…Honor.” I groaned as I rubbed a hand over my head. Was I in rehab? Was this girl a junkie? Jesus Christ, what have I done now?

“Great. Can you tell me the last thing you remember?” The doctor broke through my thoughts, but I kept my eyes on the sad woman.

“Uh…yeah, sure…” I looked to the doctor and back to the woman. “I remember…” I glanced back to the doctor as I struggled to think. “Shit.” I pinched the bridge of my nose as I struggled to breathe through the stabbing pain in my head.

“It’s okay.” The doctor patted me on the shoulder. “You’ve been through a serious trauma. It may take a little while to come back to you. In the meantime, we will do our best to keep you comfortable.”

I squeezed my eyes closed. A serious trauma? “What happened?”

“You were in a car accident. You’re very lucky to be alive. You and Emma both.” I opened my eyes and looked at the young woman in front of me, scanning her for injuries. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I had hurt her. Her eyes searched mine. “I’ll give you two a minute.” The doctor left the room, and we fell in an uncomfortable silence. The woman, Emma, looked nervous as she pulled her hands from her pockets and began to wring them together.

“William,” she said quietly.

“Call me Will.” I struggled to sit up and pushed the button on the side of the bed to meet my back.

“Will…uh…do you remember me?” she asked as she raised her gaze to meet mine. I searched her face for any sign of familiarity, but there was none. It was like a black void in my brain. Her eyes filled with tears, and I knew we must know each other very well. My eyes danced over her petite frame, and I wondered if I had had her. She nodded in understanding as a lone tear spilled over and rolled down her cheek. She stood frozen as her eyes pleaded with me to remember. My chest ached as I watched her.

“Hey, don’t cry. Come here.” She slowly sat down beside me and broke down, sobbing. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her against my chest, her breasts pushed against me. “Shhh.” The smell of flowers filled my nose, and I knew she was someone important to me, but my mind was a fog. Her fingers twisted in my gown, and she cried as I rubbed my hand up and down her back to soothe her. It was odd being the one in the hospital bed and comforting someone else. She seemed so weak, so fragile, and I wanted to protect her from whatever it was that was causing her so much pain.

“You said you would never forget me.” She pulled back slowly and placed her hand on my chest. I felt my heart rate speed up, and the machine next to my bed beeped at the increase. I pushed her tangled hair from her face and tucked it behind her ear. She was so broken…so delicate.

The doctor returned with a nurse, and I forced myself to take my eyes off Emma. “Well, looks like you two have been getting reacquainted.” She looked down at her lap as she slid off the bed and leaned up against the wall. The nurse stepped between us and handed me a small cup of pills. I dumped them in my mouth as I watched the frightened woman against the wall. She was hurting, and I had the overwhelming urge to protect her, but I didn’t know where to begin if I couldn’t even remember how we had known each other.

The doctor began to speak, and I tried to focus on his instructions as the medicine slowly began to kick in, and the throbbing became a dull ache in the back of my mind.

“I don’t expect the memory loss to be long term. It is not uncommon for a head trauma such as the one you received. You’ll need to call me if the headaches worsen or if you have any problems with your vision.” He turned to look at Emma who was lost in her own thoughts and staring out at nothing. “I’m sure Ms. Townsend will be helping you to make the transition as smooth as possible. She will need to take it easy as well.”

The room fell silent as all eyes were on Emma. She looked up and shook her head in a daze. “I’m sorry?”

“You will be helping him with his transition at home, correct?”

She wiped a stray tear that clung to her bottom lashes and nodded her head in agreement. I couldn’t understand why, if we were so close, she seemed to hesitate at the idea of taking care of me. Not that I expected anyone to. I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone else.

“Good. All looks well, and we should be able to have you out of here in no time.”

“Thank you.”

The doctor smiled down at me before he and the nurse left the room, leaving me alone with Emma. I watched her as she looked around nervously before making her way over to a chair on the other side of my bed. She grabbed her purse, dug around in it, and pulled out a set of keys. She avoided looking at me, and her dark hair hung down, partially blocking my view of her face, but I could tell she was sad. And it seemed more about being around me than the accident we had together.

I wasn’t stupid, and I knew I had done something pretty terrible to make her react that way to someone who had just come out of a coma. She was struggling to not break down, and now I was supposed to have her come home with me and take care of me. I thought about calling my parents to see if they would mind taking a few days off and fly out to see me, but spending any time with my father was fucking torture, and I wanted to be alone with Emma.

It was odd they weren’t here already, and that made me doubt how close I could possibly be to this woman.

A nurse came in the room with two trays of food, and I suddenly realized how hungry I was. I grabbed my fork and began to dive into the Salisbury steak. It wasn’t the best food in the world, but cardboard would have been satisfying at that point. I watched Emma push her food around the plate, not taking a bite. I knew it wasn’t gourmet, but it was better than nothing, and she looked like she was too thin as it was.

“You should eat something.” I smiled as her head tilted up, and her beautiful eyes locked on to mine. She cut off a small bite and stuck it in her mouth but didn’t say a word.

Whatever I had done to her, it was probably for the best that I didn’t know what it was. We sat in silence for the next few hours. The television mounted in the corner of the room provided a little background noise to keep it from being completely awkward. I couldn’t keep my mind off the stranger who kept me company. I wanted to ask her how we had met or what the nature of our relationship was, but I knew it would probably upset her further. It was strange looking at someone for what felt like the first time, but knowing that there was a deeper connection there.

As it grew later, I watched her curl up in a chair next to my bed, fresh tears in her eyes. I knew I needed to send her home. I couldn’t make her suffer any longer at my side.

“Emma…” I struggled to find the words to thank her and ask her to leave without sounding like an asshole.

“Good night,” she called out without looking up at me. She tucked her legs into her chest and closed her eyes.

It didn’t take me long to drift off to sleep. I dreamed I was standing along the side of a highway with sheets of rain pouring down on me. Lightning flashed, and thunder rumbled deep and low. Through the noise, I could hear tires screeching across asphalt and the sound of a horrifying car accident.

I ran out into the rain, searching for the vehicle, unable to see through all the rain. My body collided with the mangled remains of a small black car, and as I wiped my hand over the window, I saw my own lifeless body hunched over the wheel with smatters of blood across my face.

I jerked awake, my eyes landing on the chair where Emma slept curled in a ball. Her eyes fluttered open as if she felt me looking at her. I smiled, and she sucked her lower lip between her teeth as she pushed herself up and stretched her arms.

I wanted to ask her about the dream, about the accident, but I knew she was dreading being with me, and I didn’t want to upset her more.

After a few hours of being examined and given enough instructions to fill a book, I was told I could finally go home.

Emma looked relieved, and she gathered our things as quickly as possible so we could get out of there.

The ride home didn’t help to jog my memory. It was incredibly frustrating to know that my own mind was working against me. I wondered if what had happened was so traumatic that I was protecting myself. If that was the case, why couldn’t I force my mind to open up?

“Not much farther,” Emma said as she looked over at me. I glanced out the windshield, wishing something made sense, but it was all a blank. At least I wasn’t alone.

Chapter Fifteen

We pulled into the first floor of an old warehouse. I’d always wanted to convert an old building into a home. I glanced at the staircase ahead of us.

“This is ours?” I asked as I glanced over to her. She smiled as she tucked her hair behind her ear and dropped her gaze to her feet.

“This is yours. I live…somewhere else.”

I felt like an asshole for assuming that we had lived together. Perhaps we were just really good friends. But even with no memory, I knew that my chest wouldn’t tighten every time I looked into her eyes if she weren’t someone important to me. I knew she wouldn’t be having such a hard time being around me if that were the case. Unless…did she blame me for the accident? Had I done something reckless or driven with her while I had been drinking? No. I would be in jail if that were the case.

I walked up the staircase with Emma behind me. As I reached a door at the first landing, I paused. “This it?” She nodded, and my eyes travelled up the next set of stairs. “What’s up there?”

Her cheeks tinged pink, and her gaze dropped for a fraction of a second. “It’s under construction.”

She was lying. I kept my eyes locked on her as I ran my hand through my hair and took a step to the side so she could unlock the door. She did, letting her hair fall over her face to block my stare. I took note that she had used a key from her own key ring to unlock the door. We are definitely more than friends.

She pushed open the door and stepped to the side so I could enter. I took in the large space that seemed vaguely familiar. Emma walked inside and tossed her purse on the island in the kitchen before pulling open the fridge. “What do you think?” She asked as I watched how comfortable she was in my space. “Do you want something?” She stood with a soda in her hand. I had the fading glimpse of a memory, but my head throbbed as I tried to focus.

“A soda would be fine.” I smiled over at her, and she returned the gesture as she grabbed another can from the fridge. She set it on the island behind her, and I walked over to grab it as I noticed the faint smell of flowers that lingered in my apartment. It smelled like her, and I couldn’t help but smile. “Thank you.” Her cheeks tinged pink again, and I ran my hand through my hair, wishing I could see all the pieces to the puzzle.

“You’re welcome.” She turned back to the fridge as she gazed in at the contents.

“You seem to know your way around here.” I cocked my head to the side as I tried to picture us together, but everything was fuzzy, and she was not offering up any information. I didn’t want to press her and upset her like she had been at the hospital.

“I’ve spent a lot of time here.” Her face gave nothing away as she grabbed a few items from the fridge and set them on the counter between us. She grabbed a few plates and a knife and began preparing us sandwiches. I watched her as she began to slice the tomato, her fingers wrapped around the handle of the knife. Something about it was oddly sexual.

“You’re doing that all wrong.” I made my way around the counter as her hands stilled. I positioned myself behind her, pressing my chest against her back as my fingers slid over hers. She shook as a chill ran through her body, and I was glad I was behind her so she couldn’t see the smirk on my face. I knew the tension between us was more than her being upset. I guided her hand as I sliced up the tomato. “There,” I whispered next to her ear, and I heard her breath catch.

“I see you didn’t forget everything,” she laughed nervously, but there was an edge to her words. She wasn’t good at hiding her emotions, and the pain was radiating off her in waves.

I backed away from her. “I guess some things just stay with you.” I took my seat on the stool across from her as I watched her finish making our sandwiches. There was something inside me that was pulling me to her. She obviously felt the same way or she wouldn’t be here, causing herself so much pain just to help me. I wondered if it were possible for me to start over and right my wrongs. I wasn’t sure I wanted the memories back if they were so bad.

Emma snorted, and her eyes quickly locked onto mine, filled with embarrassment. “Sorry…I just thought of something…funny.” She slid the plate of food in front of me. I grabbed my sandwich and began eating. Anything was better than that hospital food. Emma picked at the top of her roll, as she was lost inside her head. I wish I knew what she was thinking.

“Not hungry?” I asked as I took another bite. “You should really eat something.” I couldn’t expect this woman to take care of me and not herself. She picked up her sandwich and took a bite. I smiled over at her as I grabbed my plate and took it to the sink. I could hear the faint vibrating of a cell phone. I listened to Emma fish around in her bag before the sound stopped. Who was calling her that she didn’t want to talk to? Was she seeing someone else? Was that why she looked pained to be near me?

“Finished?” I turned around and pointed to her plate. She nodded and swallowed hard. I grabbed it and held it over the sink as I scrubbed it. “What are you thinking about?” I glanced over my shoulder at her as she sat sadly at the island.

“Just been a long week.” She sighed, and her shoulders sank. I put the plate in the sink and made my way over to her. She tensed as I put my hands on her shoulders and began to massage them. Her body soon relaxed, and she let me work out the small knots in her muscles.

“I’m sorry I put you through all of this. I don’t know what I did to deserve your kindness.” I laughed at the absurdity of my statement. “I really don’t.”

Emma laughed quietly and relaxed further.

“Come on. Why don’t you show me around?”

She stood and turned toward me as her eyes scanned the space. “Well, this is the kitchen,” she held out her hand toward the couch. “And the living room.” She walked around me and across the room, and I followed. “This is self-explanatory.” She pointed into the bathroom. She ducked by me, careful not to touch me as she made her way to another door. She pushed it open and took a step back. “This is your bedroom.” She looked down at the floor as I brushed by her to enter the room. It was stark white and looked completely out of place from the rest of the apartment that had rich, dark tones.

There was evidence all around the room that a woman spent a lot of time in here with me. I grabbed a tiny scrap of yellow fabric from the floor and couldn’t help but smile when I realized it was a pair of torn panties. Emma grabbed them from my hand as her face turned deep red, and she hid them behind her back.

“I guess you know this room pretty well.” I couldn’t help but laugh at how embarrassed she was.

“Who said they were mine?” Her eyebrow shot up.

I laughed hard as I took a step closer to her. “I sure hope they aren’t mine.” She laughed nervously, and I had to wonder why she would try to hide the fact that we had been together. My eyes danced over the unmade bed, and I ran my hand through my hair as I tried to imagine us there, our bodies tangled together as I thrust into her.

“I’m actually pretty tired.” I grabbed my shirt and pulled it over my head, groaning as I stretched my sore muscles.

“I’ll let you get some rest.” She turned to leave, and I reached out, grabbing her wrist. I could feel her pulse racing under my fingers.

“Stay.”

Her body slowly turned toward me, and I let go of her arm as I saw the torn look in her eye. “I just want to sleep.”

She sucked her bottom lip between her teeth, and I narrowed my eyes at her. I couldn’t promise her only sleep if she kept doing that. As if reading my thoughts, she let go of her lip and I wanted to smile, but I held it back as I undid my belt and slid my jeans off.

She kicked off her shoes and began to undo her pants. I slid into bed and let her have a moment to herself, which also hid the fact that my cock was rock hard just at the thought of lying next to her. I felt the mattress dip as she slid into bed behind me. I rolled over and slid my body against her back, wrapping my arms around her to hold her close. I felt her stiffen as my hands slid over her skin, but I needed to be against her. She was all I had in the world at this moment, even if I couldn’t remember.

I put my face against her neck and inhaled the sweet flowery smell of her hair as I let my eyes close and drifted off into sleep.

I awoke throughout the night as visions of the car crash flashed through my memory. Emma was finally clear in the picture just moments before the crash. All I could see was her face covered in tears as she screamed my name, and I jolted awake.

I lay holding her against me for an hour before I was able to fall back asleep.