Текст книги "Thief"

Автор книги: Tarryn Fisher

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Estella My heart falls and then rises slightly when she smiles at me.

“It’s kind of girly in here,” she says.

A corner of my mouth shoots up. “Well, I did intend on sharing it with a woman.”

She puckers her lips and nods. “Peacock blue – it’s very fitting.”

There is a vase of peacock feathers on the dresser. The corners of her mouth tilt up as she remembers something from long ago.

I show her the rest of the bedrooms and then take her up the narrow flight of stairs to the attic, which I converted into a library. She exclaims excitedly when she sees the books, and I have to practically drag her up the narrow flight of stairs to the widow’s walk. She has two books in her hands, but when she emerges into the sunshine, she sets them down on one of the lawn chairs, her eyes wide.

“Oh my god,” she says. She throws her arms up in the air and spins around. “It’s so beautiful. I’d be up here all the time if-”

We both turn away at the same time. I walk over to look at the trees; she stays near the lake.

If…

“If you hadn’t lied to me,” she sighs.

Had I really not expected that? She’s queen of the jab. I laugh really hard. I laugh so hard – Cammie slides the back door open and peeks her head out. When she sees us, she shakes her head and retreats back inside. I feel like I’ve just been scolded.

I glance at Olivia. She’s getting her book and settling down in one of the lawn chairs. “I’ll just be up here if you need me, Drake.”

I walk over and kiss the top of her head. “Okay, Duchess. I’ll go make lunch. Don’t let anyone steal you.”

They catch Dobson in Olivia’s building two days later. He was coming for her. I want to kill Noah. What if she hadn’t called me? Dobson avoided the police for almost a decade. Could he have gotten past them and to Olivia? I don’t even want to think about it. When we get the call, I know it’s time for me to take her back, but we linger for an extra day. Even Cammie doesn’t seem eager to leave. On the fourth day, I bring up leaving just as we’re finishing our dinner of grilled salmon and asparagus. Cammie politely excuses herself from the picnic table and goes inside the house. Olivia picks at the lettuce on her plate and works at avoiding my eyes.

“Do you not feel ready?” I ask her.

“It’s not that,” she says. “It’s just been-”

“Nice,” I finish for her. She nods.

“You can come stay at my place for a few days,” I offer.

She glares at me.

“Would I sleep between you and Jessica?”

I smirk. “How do you know I’m still seeing Jessica?”

She sighs. “I keep tabs on you.”

“You stalk me,” I say. When she doesn’t respond, I touch the top of her hand with my finger, tracing a vein.

“It’s okay. I stalk you too.”

“Are things the same with Jessica? Like they used to be in college?”

“Are you asking me if I’m in love with her?”

“Does it sound like I’m asking you that?”

I cover my face with my hands and sigh dramatically. “If you want to ask me personal and extremely uncomfortable questions, go ahead. I’ll tell you anything you want to know. But, for the love of God – just ask a direct question.”

“Fine,” she says. “Are you in love with Jessica?”

“No.”

She looks surprised. “Were you before? In college, I mean?”

“No.”

“Would you have married her if she’d kept the baby?”

“Yes.”

She bites her bottom lip and her eyes get watery.

“You didn’t make Jessica have an abortion, Olivia.”

The tears roll.

“Yeah, I did. I drove her to the clinic. I could have talked her out of it and I didn’t. On a deep level I knew you would have married her if you found out she was pregnant. I could have told her that and she might not have gone through with it.”

“Jessica doesn’t want children,” I say. “She never has. It’s sort of a deal breaker between the two of us.”

She wipes her face with her sleeve and sniffs. It’s pathetic and cute.

“But you’re together. What’s the point of your relationship if it isn’t going anywhere?”

I laugh and catch a tear off of her chin with my fingertip.

“That’s so you. You don’t do anything without purpose. It’s why you wouldn’t give me a shot in the first place. You didn’t see yourself marrying me, so you wouldn’t even have a conversation with me.”

She shrugs and half smiles. “You don’t know me, fool.”

“Oh, but I do. You had to see me make an ass of myself before you’d even consider going on a date with me.”

“What’s your point, Drake?”

“Jessica broke up with someone before she moved back here. I got a divorce. We are both a little messed up in the head, and we like being around each other.”

“And you like fucking,” she said.

“Yeah. We like fucking. You jealous?”

She rolls her eyes, but I know.

It’s getting dark. The sun is burning a hole through our sky, making it orange and yellow as it dips below the trees.

“You know,” I say, leaning across the table and taking her hand. “I could have sex with a thousand women, and it wouldn’t feel like it did that night in the orange grove.”

She rips her hand away and turns her entire body around so she can watch the sun set. I smile at the back of her head and start collecting the plates.

“Denial’s an ugly thing, Duchess.”

“Let me see that one.”

He reached into the spotless glass case and pulled out something a little more striking than the last. Engagement rings all looked the same after a while. I remember when I was a kid I would say my name over and over until it sounded more like a blur of noise rather than a name. He pushed another bauble over the counter, this one larger than the last. It laid on a square of black velvet. I picked it up and stuck it on my pinkie to get a good look.

“That’s three carats, colorless with a VVS2 rating,” Thomas said. Samoht “It’s beautiful, it really is. I think I’m just looking for something more … unique.” I pushed it back at him.

“Tell me about her,” he said. “Maybe, I can get a better feel for the right ring.”

I grinned. “She’s fiercely independent. Never wants help from anyone, not even me. She likes nice things, but she’s ashamed of it. She doesn’t want to seem shallow. And she’s not. God, she’s perceptive … and she knows herself. And she’s kind. Only she doesn’t know she’s kind. She perceives herself as cold, but she has such a good heart.”

When I looked at him, his eyebrows were slightly raised. We laughed at the same time. I leaned over the counter and covered my face with both hands.

“Well, you’re definitely in love,” he said.

“Yes, I am.”

He walked a few steps away and came back with another ring.

“This is from our pricier collection. It’s still a solitaire. But, as you can see, the band is quite unique.”

I took the ring. The center stone was oval in shape with the diamond set east to west. A deviation from the norm, I already think she’d like it. When I looked closer, I noticed that the band had branches and tiny leaves etched in the white gold. The ring had a style common to those worn a century ago. Modern and antique. Just like Olivia.

“This is it,” I said. “It’s perfect since we met under a tree.”

I left the store and walked into the overly warm humidity. Living in Florida felt like you were perpetually existing in a bowl of pea soup. Today, however, I didn’t care. I was smiling. I had a ring in my pocket. Olivia’s ring. Everyone would think I was crazy for asking a girl to marry me when I hadn’t even had sex with her. That’s why I didn’t bother telling anyone my plans. If my family and friends couldn’t be supportive, then they wouldn’t be included. I didn’t need to have sex with her to know how I felt. She could refuse to have sex with me every day for the rest of our lives and I still would choose her. That’s how deep I was in this.

The plans were in motion. In six weeks I would ask Olivia – no – I would tell Olivia, to marry me. She would probably say no, but I’d just keep asking – or telling. That’s what happened when you were possessed by a woman. All of a sudden you stopped running from love and started breaking all of your own rules … making a fool of yourself. I was okay with that.

I called her cell, tried to keep my voice even.

“Hi,” she breathed.

“Hey, baby.”

There was always a brief pause after we said our hellos. I liked to think of it as the saturation. She told me once that every time she saw my name on her caller I.D. she got butterflies. I got this swelling ache in my chest. It was a good ache – like a heart orgasm.

“I’m making plans for a few weeks from now. I thought we could go away for a couple of days – Daytona maybe.”

She sounded excited. “I’ve never been there.”

“It’s more beach. Another corner of the same ol’ same ol’ Florida. I want to take you to Europe. But, for now, Daytona.”

“Caleb, yeah, I’d like that. Daytona and Europe.”

“Okay,” I said, smiling.

“Okay,” she repeated.

“Hey,” she said after a few seconds. “Don’t get separate rooms.”

I think I tripped over the curb.

“What?”

She laughed.

“Byyye, Caleb.”

“Bye, Duchess.”

I was grinning from ear to ear.

After we hung up, I stopped for an espresso at an outdoor café. I wiped sweat from my forehead as I called a hotel and made reservations. One room: king bed, Jacuzzi tub, view of the ocean. Then I called a florist and ordered three-dozen gardenias. They asked for the delivery address of the hotel and I had to hang up to find it before calling them back. I was laughing in between calls. Out loud. People kept staring, but I couldn’t help it. This was crazy and it made me so happy. I called Cammie, and then thinking better of it, I hung up. Cammie was the closest thing Olivia had to family, but her idea of secret keeping was … not to keep a secret. I wished there was a father to ask – no, I didn’t. I would have punched her father, probably on numerous occasions. My final call was to an old friend who could help me with the last part of my plan. The best part. I wasn’t just going to give her a ring; she needed more than that to see how serious I was.

I stood up and dropped money on the table. Then I headed to my mother’s house. Hopefully, there were plenty of sedatives at the Drake mansion. She was going to need them.

“Caleb, it’s a mistake.” My mother’s face was ashen. She was tugging on the locket she wore around her neck. A sure sign that she was about to crumble emotionally.

I laughed at her. I didn’t like to be disrespectful, but I didn’t like anyone telling me Olivia was a mistake either. I pulled the ring box from her fingers and snapped it closed.

“I’m not here for your opinion. I’m here because you’re my mother and I want to keep you involved in my life. However, that is subject to change if you insist on treating Olivia as if she isn’t good enough for me.”

“She-”

“-Is,” I said firmly. “In college I was the asshole that slept with everyone because I could. I’ve been with many women, and she is the only one who makes me want to be a better person … and a better person for her. I don’t even need to be good, I just need to be good for her.”

My mother stared at me blankly.

“Forget it,” I said, standing up. She grabbed my arm.

“Have you told your father?”

I felt myself flinch. “No, why would I do that?”

“Your brother?” she asked.

I shook my head.

“They’ll confirm what I’m saying. You’re young.”

“I wouldn’t be too young if I’d bought this ring for Sidney, would I?”

She bit her bottom lip and I pulled my arm from her grasp.

“My father is so against commitment he’s managed to date a new woman every month for the last ten years. Seth is so reclusive and neurotic; he’d rather be alone for the rest of his life than have someone leave a dish in the sink. I don’t think I’ll be going to either for relationship advice. And just for the record, it’s your job to be supportive of me. Everyone told you not to divorce my father and marry Steve. Had you listened to them, where would you be now?”

She was panting by the time I finished saying that. I glanced at the door. I needed out of here, fast. I wanted to be with Olivia. See her face, kiss her.

“Caleb.”

I glanced down at my mother. She had been a good mother to my brother and me. Good enough to leave my father when she saw how damaging his influence on us had been. To others she was not a particularly kind woman, but I understood that. She was verbally cutting and critical. It was common among the wealthy. I never expected her to embrace Olivia. But, I had hoped for a less trite reaction. Maybe even forced happiness for my sake. I was growing weary of her pronounced cattiness.

She placed her hand on my arm again, squeezing lightly. “I know you think I’m shallow. I probably am. Women in my generation were taught not to think too deeply about our feelings, and to do what needed to be done without dissecting it emotionally. But, I am more perceptive than you think. She will be your destruction. She’s not healthy.”

I gently removed her hand from my arm. “Then let her destroy me.”

I take Cammie home first. When she steps out of the car, she kisses my cheek and holds my eyes for a second longer than is normal. I know she’s sorry. After all these years of Olivia and me, how can she not be? I nod at her and she tucks her lips in and smiles. When I get back in, Olivia is watching me.

“Sometimes, I feel like you and Cammie speak without speaking,” she says.

“Maybe we do.”

The rest of the ride is quiet. It reminds me of our drive back from the camping trip, when there was so much to say and no courage to say it. We’re so much older now, so much has happened. It shouldn’t be this hard.

I carry her bag upstairs. She holds the front door open for me when we get to her floor, so I step past her and walk into the foyer. Once again I feel Noah’s absence. It feels like she’s been living here on her own. The air is warm. I can smell traces of her perfume in certain spots. She turns on the air conditioner and we move into the kitchen.

“Tea?” she asks.

“Please.”

I can pretend for a few minutes that this is our house and she’s making me tea like she does every morning. I watch her put the kettle on and get the tea bags. She rubs the back of her neck and tucks a foot behind her knee while she waits for the water to boil. Then she carries a glass jar of sugar cubes and a small milk jug to the table and sets them down in front of me. I turn away and pretend I wasn’t watching her. This pierces my heart a little bit. We always said we’d have sugar cubes instead of plain sugar. She fetches two teacups from the cabinet, stretching on her tiptoes to reach them. I watch her face as she drops four cubes into my cup. She stirs it for me and pours in the milk. I reach for the cup before she pulls her hand away, and our fingers touch. Her eyes dart to mine. Dart away. She drinks her tea with only one cube of sugar. We find the tabletop increasingly interesting as the minutes pass. Finally, I set my cup down. It clinks against the saucer. There is a storm brewing between us. Maybe that’s why we are savoring the calm. I stand up and take both of our cups to the sink. I wash them and set them in the dry rack.

“I still want you,” I say. I surprise myself by saying this out loud. I don’t know if she’s having the same reaction because my back is to her.

“Fuck you.”

Surprise, surprise.

She can’t hide from me with her dirty mouth. I see how she looks at me. I feel the sting of regret when our skin accidentally touches.

“I built you that house,” I say, turning around. “I kept it even after I got married. I hired a landscaper and a pool guy. I’ve had a cleaning service go in once every two months. Why would I do that?”

“Because you’re a nostalgic fool who only lets go of the past long enough to marry another woman.”

“You’re right. I am a fool. But, as you can see, I’m a fool who never quite let go.”

“Let go.”

I shake my head. “Uh-uh. This time you found me, remember?”

She turns a little red.

“Tell me why you called me.”

“Who else do I know?”

“Your husband, for one.”

She looks away.

“Fine,” she finally says. “I was scared. You were the first one I thought to call.”

“Because…”

“Goddammit, Caleb!” She slams her fist on the table and the fruit bowl wobbles.

“Because…” I say again. Does she think she scares me with her little temper tantrums? She does a little.

“You’re always wanting to overtalk everything.”

“There is no such thing as overtalking something. Lack of communication is the problem.”

“You should have been a shrink.”

“I know. Don’t change the subject.”

She bites on her thumbnail.

“Because you’re my hiding place. I go to you when I’m messed up.”

My tongue twists, knots, freezes. What am I supposed to say to that? I never expected that. Maybe more swearing. More denial.

Then I go nuts. Really crazy. It’s the tension of wanting her and wanting her to admit that she wants me.

My hands are behind my neck as I pace her small kitchen. I want to hit something. Throw a chair through the glass box that is her condo. I stop suddenly and face her.

“You leave him, Olivia. You leave him or this is the end.”

“The. End. Of. WHAT?” She leans over the counter; her fingers splayed out like her anger. Her words punch. “We’ve never had a beginning, or a middle, or a fucking minute to be in love. You think I want this? He hasn’t done anything wrong!”

“Bullshit! He married you and he knew you were in love with me.”

She draws back, looks unsure. I watch her walk the length of her kitchen, one hand on top of her head, the other on her hip. When she stops and faces me, her face is contorted.

“I love him.”

I cross the kitchen in two seconds. I grab her upper arm so she can’t get away and lean down until I’m right in her face. She has to see truth. My voice sounds more animal than human; a growl.

“More than me?”

The light drains from her eyes and she tries to look away.

I shake her. “More than me?”

“I don’t love anything more than I love you.”

My fingers tighten on her arm. “Then why are we playing these stupid games?”

She rips her arm away from me, her eyes flashing.

“You left me in Rome!” She shoves me and I stumble back. “You left me for that redheaded bitch. Do you know how much that hurt? I came to tell you how I felt, and you walked away from me.”

Olivia rarely shows her hurt. It’s so unusual I’m not sure how to deal with it.

“She was unstable. Her sister shot herself. She swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills, for God’s sake! I was trying to save her. You didn’t need me. Ever. You made a point of showing me that you didn’t need me.”

She wanders over to the sink, picks up a glass, fills it with water, takes a sip and throws it at my head. I duck and it hits the wall, shattering into a thousand pieces. I glance at the wall where the glass struck, then back at Olivia.

“Giving me a concussion is not going to solve our problems.”

“You were a fucking coward. If you had just talked to me that day in the record store, without the lies, we wouldn’t be here.”

Her shoulders – which a second ago had been tensed in battle stance – go limp. A single sob escapes her lips. She reaches a hand up to catch it, but it’s too late.

“You got married … you had a baby…” Her tears are flowing freely, mingling with her mascara and tracking black across her cheeks. “You were supposed to marry me. That was supposed to be my baby.” She drops to the sofa behind her and wraps her arms around herself.

Her tiny frame is racked with sobs. Her hair has cascaded over her face and she bends her head with the purpose of veiling her face.

I go to her. I scoop her up and carry her over to the counter, setting her down so we’re eye to eye. She is trying to hide behind her hair. It’s almost to her waist again, like it was when I met her. I pull the hair tie from her wrist and divide her hair into three pieces.

“Is it weird that I know how to do a braid?”

She laughs in between her crying and watches me. I tie off the braid with the hair tie and flip it over her shoulder. Now I can see her.

Her voice is raspy when she speaks. “I hate that you always make jokes when I’m trying to feel sorry for myself.”

“I hate that I always make you cry.” I rub little circles on her wrist with my thumb. I want to touch her more, but I know I shouldn’t.

“Duchess, it wasn’t your fault. It was mine. I thought that if we had a clean slate…” My voice trails off because there is no such thing as a clean slate. I know that now. You just embrace your dirty slate and build over it. I kiss her wrist. “Let me carry you out. I’ll never let you touch the ground. I was made to carry you, Olivia. You’re fucking heavy with all of your guilt and self-loathing. But, I can do it. Because I love you.”

She has her pinky pressed against her lips as if she’s trying to hold everything in. This is a new Oliviaism. I like it. I pull her pinky away from her lips, and instead of dropping her hand I lace my fingers through hers. God, how long has it been since I’ve held her hand? I feel like a little boy. I fight back the smile that is trying to take over my face.

“Tell me,” I say. “Peter Pan…”

“Noah,” she breathes.

“Where is he, Duchess?”

“He’s in Munich right now. Last week, Stockholm, the week before that, Amsterdam.” She looks away. “We’re not … we’re taking a break.”

I shake my head. “A break from what? Marriage or each other?”

“We like each other. Marriage, I guess.”

“Fuck, that doesn’t even make sense,” I say. “If we were married I wouldn’t let you out of my bed, never mind my sight.”

She pulls a face. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“There are guys like me out there, and I wouldn’t let them get near you. What’s he playing at?”

She’s quiet for a long time. Then she blurts:

“He doesn’t want children.”

Estella’s face blurs my vision before I ask…

“Why not?”

She shrugs; trying to pretend like it’s nothing. “His sister has Cystic Fibrosis. He’s a carrier. He’s seen how much she’s suffered and he doesn’t want to bring children into the world with the risk of them having it.”

I can see how much it bothers her. Her mouth is pinched and her eyes are darting around the tabletop as if she’s searching for a crumb.

I swallow. This is a touchy subject for me too.

“Did you know that before you married him?”

She nods. “I didn’t want children before I married him.”

I stand up. I don’t want to hear her talk about how Noah made her want things that I couldn’t make her want. I must look sulky because she rolls her eyes.

“Sit down,” she snaps. “I see you still play footsie with your inner child.”

I walk to the floor-to-ceiling window that circles her living room and look out. I ask the question I don’t want to ask, but I can’t not know. I am jealous.

“What changed your mind?”

“I’ve changed, Caleb.” She gets up and comes to stand next to me. I glance at her and see that her arms are crossed over her chest. She is wearing a long sleeve, grey cotton shirt and black pants that sit low on her hips so that a few inches of flesh are exposed. Her hair is loosely braided over her shoulder. She stares out at the traffic that is zooming below us. She looks badass. I smirk and shake my head.

“I never felt worthy enough to have babies. Duh – right? I have all those super cool daddy issues.”

“Aw, man. Are you still working through those?”

She grins.

“Little bit here and there. I can have sex now.”

I cock up one corner of my mouth and narrow my eyes. “I’m pretty sure I cured you of that.”

Her eyelashes beat so rapidly they could blow out a match. She chews on her lip to keep from smiling.

I tilt my head back and laugh. We both get such a kick out of making each other uncomfortable. God, I love this woman.

“You did though,” she says. “Despite what you think, it wasn’t because of your bedroom moves. It was what you did to get me back.”

I raise my eyebrows.

“The amnesia?” I’m surprised.

She nods slowly. She’s still looking out the window, but my body is pivoted toward her now.

“You’re not that person … the one who lies and does crazy things. That’s me. I couldn’t believe you did that.”

“You are crazy.”

She shoots me an annoyed look.

“You broke your own moral code. I figured if someone like you would fight for me, I might actually be worth something.”

I look at her earnestly. I don’t want to say too much, or too little.

“You are worth fighting for. I haven’t given up yet.”

Her head snaps up. She looks alarmed.

“Well, you should. I’m married.”

“Yeah, you got married, didn’t you? But, you only did it because you thought we were over – and we’re not over. We’ll never be over. If you think that little piece of metal on your finger can shield off your feelings for me, you’re wrong. I wore one for five years and there wasn’t a day that went by where I wasn’t wishing it were you.”

I look at her lips, lips that I want to kiss. I turn and grab my keys to leave before we can start fighting – or kissing. She stays at the window. Before I walk out of the living room, I say her name.

“Olivia.”

She looks at me over her shoulder. Her braid swings across her back like a pendulum.

“Your marriage won’t last. Tell Noah the truth; be fair. When you do, come find me, and I’ll give you that baby.”

I don’t stay to watch her reaction.

I feel guilty that I’m offering my ex-girlfriend a baby when my current girlfriend is probably at my house, waiting for me – wanting me to offer her a marriage. My life comes into focus when I walk through my front door. There is music playing loudly from my stereo. I walk over and turn it down. Jessica is at the stove, flipping something in a frying pan. It amazes me that she wants to cook even when she’s not at work. You’d think she’d be sick of it by now. I sit at a barstool and watch her until she turns around.

She must see something on my face. She sets down the wooden spoon she is holding and wipes her hands with a dishtowel before walking over to me. I can see the sauce of whatever she is cooking pooling on the counter under the spoon. I don’t know why, but I can’t stop looking at that spoon.

I grind my teeth as she walks toward me. I don’t want to hurt her, but if I do what I did with Leah, I’ll land up staying just to protect her heart. It’ll be halfhearted, because the only thing I want in life is to protect Olivia’s heart.

When she reaches for me, I grab her hands and hold them. She can see the breakup in my eyes; she shakes her head before I’ve opened my mouth.

“I’m still in love with Olivia,” I say. “It’s never going to be fair to anyone I’m with. I don’t want to give you pieces of me.”

Her tears pool and then spill.

“I think I knew that,” she says, nodding. “Not the cause, but you’re different. I thought it was because of what happened with Leah and Estella.”

I flinch.

“I’m so sorry, Jessica.”

“She’s a bitch, Caleb. You know that, right?”

“Jess-”

“No, listen to me. She’s a bad person. She defends bad people. Then out of the blue, she calls you in the middle of the night and wants you to come rescue her. She’s cunning.”

I rub my forehead.

“It’s not like that. She’s not like that. She’s married, Jessica. I don’t get to be with her. I just don’t want to be with anyone else.”

I look at the spoon and then I force myself to look at Jessica.

“I’d want to have children.”

She backs up a step. “You said you didn’t.”

I nod. “Yes, I spoke out of hurt. Because of what happened with … Estella.” It’s the first time I’ve said her name in a very long time. It hurts.

“I’ve always wanted a family. But, I don’t want to be married to someone and pretend I don’t want kids.”

She shakes her head; it starts slowly and then speeds up.

“I have to go,” she says. She runs to the room to grab her things. I don’t stop her. There is no point. Once again, I’ve hurt someone because of my feelings for Olivia. When will it stop? Will it ever stop? I can’t do this to anyone again. It’s got to be Olivia or nothing for me.