Текст книги "Thief"

Автор книги: Tarryn Fisher

сообщить о нарушении

Текущая страница: 14 (всего у книги 17 страниц)

I spend forty minutes in a toy store trying to decide what to get Estella. In the movies when parents are reunited with their children, they have a pastel-colored stuffed animal in their hands – usually a bunny. Since a cliché is the worst thing a person can be, I browse the aisles until I find a stuffed llama. I hold it in my hands for a few minutes, smiling like a fool. Then I carry it to the register.

My stomach is in knots when I climb onto the tube. I take the Piccadilly line to Heathrow and mistakenly get off at the wrong terminal. I have to double back and by the time I find the correct gate, my mother has texted that the plane has landed. What if she doesn’t remember me? Or if she decides not to like me and cries the entire trip. God. I am an absolute mess. I see my mother first, her blonde hair in a perfect chignon even after the nine-hour flight. When I look down, I see a chubby hand attached to my mother’s slender one. I follow the length of the arm and see messy, red curls bouncing excitedly around a face that looks exactly like Leah’s. I smile so hard my face hurts. I don’t think I’ve smiled since I moved to London. Estella is wearing a pink tutu and a cupcake shirt. When I see that she’s smeared lipstick all over her face, my heart does the most peculiar thing: it beats faster and aches at the same time. I watch my mother stop and point toward me. Estella’s eyes search me out. When she sees me, she pulls free of her grandmother’s hand and … runs. I drop to my knees to catch her. She hits me with force – too much force for such a little person. She’s strong. I squeeze her squishy little body and feel the ducts in my eyes burn as they try to summon tears. I just want to hold her like this for a few minutes, but she pulls back, smacks both hands on either side of my face, and starts talking a mile a minute. I wink at my mother in greeting and direct my gaze back to Estella, who is recounting a detail-by-detail version of her flight while clutching the llama underneath her arm. She has a forceful little voice, slightly raspy like her mother’s.

“And then I ate my butter and Doll said it was gonna make me sick …” Doll is what she calls my mother. My mother thinks it’s the greatest thing in the world. I think she’s just relieved to have escaped the normal “Granny” or “Grandma” monikers that would make her feel old.

“You’re a genius,” I say while she’s taking a breath. “What three-year-old speaks like this?”

My mother smiles ruefully. “One who never stops speaking. She gets unfathomable amounts of practice.”

Estella repeats the word “unfathomable” all the way to baggage claim. She gets the giggles when I start chanting it with her, and by the time I pull their luggage from the belt, my mother’s head looks ready to explode.

“You used to do that when you were little,” she says. “Say the same thing over and over until I wanted to scream.”

I kiss my daughter’s forehead. “Who needs a paternity test?” I joke. Which is the absolute wrong thing to say, because my small person starts chanting paternity test all the way through the airport … until we climb into the cab outside and I distract her with a pink bus that’s driving by.

During the cab ride home, Estella wants to know what her bedroom looks like, what color blankets I got for her bed, if I have any toys, if she can have sushi for dinner.

“Sushi?” I repeat. “What about spaghetti or chicken fingers?”

She pulls a face that only Leah could have taught her, and says, “I don’t eat kid food.”

My mother raises her eyebrows. “You’d never need a maternity test,” she says out of the corner of her mouth. I have to stifle my laughter.

After taking them to my flat to drop off their things, we head out to a sushi restaurant where my three-year-old consumes a spicy tuna roll on her own, and then eats two pieces of my lunch. I watch in amazement as she mixes soy and wasabi together and picks up her chopsticks. The waiter brought her a fixed pair, one with the rolled up paper and the rubber band to keep the sticks together, but she politely refused them and then dazzled us with her chubby fingered dexterity. She drinks hot tea out of a porcelain cup, and everyone in the restaurant stops to comment on her hair and ladylike behavior. Leah’s done a good job teaching her manners. She thanks everyone who passes her a compliment with such sincerity; one elderly lady gets teary eyed. She passes out on my shoulder in the cab on the way home. I wanted to take her on the tube, but my mother will have nothing to do with dirty underground trains, so we hail a cab.

“I want to ride the twain, Daddy.” Her face is pressed into my neck and her voice is sleepy.

“Tomorrow,” I tell her. “We’ll send Doll off to visit friends, and we’ll do lots of gross things.”

“All wight,” she sighs, “but Mommy doesn’t like me to do…” and then her voice drops off and she’s asleep. My heart beats and aches and beats and aches.

I spend the next week alone with my daughter. My mother visits friends and relatives, giving us plenty of time to bond and do our own thing. I take her to the zoo and the park and the museum, and upon her request, we eat sushi every day for lunch. I talk her into spaghetti one night for dinner, and she has a meltdown when she drops the noodles on her clothes. She wails, her face turning as red as her hair, until I put her in a bath and feed her the rest of her dinner sitting on the edge of the tub. I don’t know whether to be amused or mortified. When I get her out of the bath, she rubs her eyes, yawns and falls asleep right as I get pajamas on. I’m convinced she’s half angel. The half that isn’t Leah, of course.

We stop by my father’s house one evening. He lives in Cambridge in an impressive farmhouse with stables out back. He carries Estella from stall to stall where he introduces her to the horses. She repeats their names: Sugarcup, Nerphelia, Adonis, Stokey. I watch him charm my daughter and feel grateful that she’s a continent away from him. This is what he does. He gets right down on your level – whoever you are – and shines his attention on you. If you like to travel, he’ll ask where you’ve been, he’ll listen with his eyes narrowed and laugh at all your jokes. If you’re interested in model cars, he will ask your opinion on building them and make plans to have you teach him. He makes you feel like you’re the only person worth having a conversation with, and then he goes a year without having a conversation with you. The disappointment is vast. He will never build that model car with you, he will cancel dinner plans and birthday plans and vacation plans. He will choose work and someone else over you. He will break your charmed, hopeful heart time and time again. But, I’ll let my daughter have today, and I’ll protect her the best I can in the tomorrow. Broken people give broken love. And we are all a little broken. You just have to forgive and sew up the wounds love delivers, and move on.

We go from the stables to the kitchen where he makes a show of making us huge ice cream sundaes, and then squirts whipped cream into Estella’s mouth right from the can. She announces that she can’t wait to tell Mommy about this new treat, and I’m fairly certain my ex-wife will be shooting me nasty emails in the coming weeks. She loves him. Like I did. It’s heartbreaking to watch what kind of dad he could have been had he tried. The last two days of her visit, I feel sick to my stomach. I don’t want her to go. I want to be able to see her every day. In a year she will start pre-K. Then kindergarten and first grade. How will we wing weeklong visits to the UK then? It’ll all work itself out, I tell myself. Even if I have to bribe Leah to move to London.

Estella cries when we part at the airport. She’s clutching the llama to her chest, her tears dripping into its fur, begging me to let her stay in “Wondon.” I grind my teeth together and hate every decision I’ve ever made. God. What am I even letting her go back to? Leah is a vicious, conniving bitch. She left her at a daycare to get drunk when she was a week old for God’s sake. She kept her away from her father just to hurt me. Her love is conditional and so is her kindness, and I don’t want her anger to touch my daughter.

“Mum,” I say. I look into my mother’s eyes, and she gets it. She grabs my hand and squeezes.

“I pick her up from school twice a week, and I have her on weekends. I’ll make sure she’s okay until you have her back with you.”

I nod, unable to say anything else. Estella sobs into my neck, and the pain I feel is too complex to put into words.

“I’m going to pack up and come home,” I say to my mother over my daughter’s shoulder. “I can’t do this. It’s too hard.”

She laughs. “Being a daddy suits you. You have to finish out your contract with them. Until then, I’ll keep bringing her to see you.”

My mother has to pick her up and carry her through security. I want to jump past the barriers and snatch her back.

I’m so fucking depressed on the tube ride home; I sit with my head in my hands for most of it. I drink myself into a stupor that night and write an email to Olivia that I never send. Then I pass out and dream that Leah takes Estella to Asia and says she’s never coming back.

Since the court appointed all my custody dates with Estella, I get to have her with me every other Christmas – which makes it this Christmas. It’ll be my first Christmas with my daughter. Leah called me seething when our court-appointed mediator gave her the news.

“Christmas is important to me,” she said. “This is wrong. A child should never be away from her mother on Christmas.”

“A child should never be away from her father on Christmas either,” I shot back. “But you made sure that happened for two years.”

“This is your fault for moving away. I shouldn’t have to pay for your asinine decisions.”

She was right to a degree. I didn’t have anything for her, so I told her I had to go and hung up.

Christmas isn’t important to Leah. She doesn’t value family or tradition. She values being able to put our daughter in a Christmas dress and carting her to the numerous Christmas parties she attends. All the wealthy mothers do that. Tis the season to show off your children and drink low-fat, liquored-up eggnog.

I go shopping for her presents the day I find out I’m getting her for Christmas. Sara goes with me for reference. We’ve had drinks a couple times and I land up telling her everything about Olivia, Leah and Estella, so when I ask her to come shopping with me, she jumps at it.

“So, no dolls,” she says, holding up a Barbie. I shake my head.

“Her mother buys her dolls. She has too many.”

“What about art supplies? Nurture the inner artiste.”

I nod. “Perfect, her mother hates her to be dirty.”

We head over to the art aisle. She dumps play dough, paints, an easel and crayons into the cart.

“So, any word about Olivia?”

“Can you not?”

She laughs and grabs a box of chalk. “It’s like a soap opera, mate. I just want to know what happens next.”

I stop at a tie-dye t-shirt kit. “Let’s get this, she’ll like it.”

Sara nods in approval.

“I haven’t reached out to any of our friends. She told me to leave her alone and that’s exactly what I’m doing. As far as I know – she’s knocked up and living fuckily ever after.”

Sara shakes her head. “Unfinished business is a bitch.”

“Our business is finished,” I say more sharply than I intend. “I live in London. I have a daughter. I am happy. So fucking deliriously happy.”

We both laugh at the same time.

I talk to my mother the day before she flies out with Steve and Estella. She’s acting odd. When I ask her about it, she stumbles over her words and says she’s stressed about the holidays. I feel guilty. Steve and my mother are foregoing their usual plans to bring Estella to me. I could have gone home, but I’m not ready. She’s everywhere – under every twisted tree, in every car on the road. One day, I tell myself, the sting will subside and I’ll be able to look at a fucking orange and not think of her.

Or maybe it won’t. Maybe life is about living with the hauntings.

I buy a tree and then scour the city for pink Christmas ornaments. I find a box of tiny ballerina shoes to hang on the tree and pink pigs with curly silver tails. When I grab two armfuls of silver and pink foil, the sales clerk grins at me.

“Someone has a daughter…”

I nod. I like the way that sounds.

She points to a box of pink flamingos and winks. I throw those on the counter too.

I set everything up in the living room so that when she arrives we can decorate together. My mother and Steve are staying at the Ritz Carlton a few blocks away. I figure I’ll let Estella choose what we eat for Christmas dinner, though if she asks for sushi or a rack of lamb, I’m screwed. The following day, I arrive at the airport to collect them an hour early.

I wait, sitting on the edge of one of the baggage claim carousels that aren’t in use. I’m anxious. I wander off to buy an espresso and drink it, looking out at an empty runway. I don’t know why I feel like this, but something ugly is curling in my stomach.

People start walking through the gate, so I get up and wait near the front of the crowd, trying to spot my mother’s hair. Blonde is a hard color to miss on a woman. My brother once told me that he remembers her having red hair when he was little, but she firmly denies it. I pull out my phone to check if there are any missed calls or texts from her and see none. She always texts when she lands. My stomach does the sick lurch. I have a really strange feeling about all of this. What if Leah has done something stupid? There is nothing I’d put past her at this point. I am about to dial my mother’s number, when my phone starts flashing. I see a number I don’t recognize.

“Hello?”

“Caleb Drake?” The voice is a woman’s, breathy and quiet, like she’s trying not to be overheard.

I get chills. I remember the last time I got a call like this.

“My name is Claribel Vasquez. I am a counselor at Boca South Medical Center.” Her voice drops off and I wait for her to continue, my heart beating wildly.

“There’s been an accident,” she says. “Your parents … your daughter. They-”

“Are they alive?”

She pauses. It feels like an hour, ten hours. Why is she taking so long to answer me!

“There was a car accident. A semi-”

“Estella?” I demand.

“She’s in critical condition. Your parents-”

I don’t need her to say anything else. I sit, except there is nothing to sit on. I slide down the wall I am leaning against and hit the ground, my hand covering my face. I can barely hold the phone to my ear I am shaking so much.

“Is her mother there?”

“No, we haven’t been able to contact your ex-wife.”

“Estella,” I say. It’s all I can manage. I’m too afraid to ask.

“She came out of surgery about an hour ago. There was a lot of internal bleeding. The doctors are monitoring her now. It would be best if you came back right away.”

I hang up without saying goodbye and walk straight to the ticket counter. There is a flight in three hours. I have just enough time to go home and get my passport and come right back. I don’t think. I just throw a few things in a bag, catch a cab back to the airport and board my flight. I don’t sleep, I don’t eat, I don’t think. You’re in shock, I tell myself. Your parents are dead. And then I remind myself not to think. I need to get home, get to Estella. I’ll mourn them later. Right now, I don’t need to think about anything but Estella.

I take a cab from the airport. I call Claribel directly as soon as the door closes. She tells me Estella’s condition hasn’t changed and says she will be waiting for me in the hospital lobby. When I run through the doors, Claribel is waiting for me. She is childlike in size, and I have to bend my neck down to look at her.

“She’s still critical,” she says right away. “We still haven’t managed to get in touch with Leah. Are there any other numbers we can call?”

I shake my head. “Her mother, maybe. Have you tried her?”

Claribel shakes her head. I hand her my phone. “It’s under in-law.”

She takes it and walks me to the elevator.

“You might want to call Sam Foster. If anyone knows where she is, he does.”

She nods and steps inside with me. We take the elevator to the critical care unit. I watch the floors light up as we pass them. When we reach the fifth floor, Claribel steps out first and swipes an access card through a keypad next to the door. It smells like antiseptic, though the walls are painted a warm tan color. It does little to lighten the mood, and somewhere off in the distance, I can hear crying. We walk briskly to room 549. The door is closed. She pauses outside and places a small hand on my arm.

“It’s going to be hard to see her. Just keep in mind there is still a lot of swelling on her face.”

I breathe deeply as she opens the door, and I step inside. The light is dim and a symphony of medical equipment is playing around the room. I approach her bed slowly. She is a tiny lump under the covers. When I stand above her, I start crying. A tiny piece of red hair sticks out from the bandages on her head. That is the only way I can identify her. Her face is so swollen that even if she were awake, she wouldn’t be able to open her eyes. There are tubes everywhere – up her nose, down her throat, snaking into her tiny, bruised arms. How did she survive this? How is her heart still beating?

Claribel stands at the window and politely looks away while I cry over my daughter. I am too afraid to touch her, so I run my pinkie over her pinkie, the only part of her that isn’t bruised.

After a few minutes, the doctors come in to speak to me. Doctors. She has multiple because of all the injuries she sustained. By the time the 747 touched down on American soil with me in its belly, my three-year-old daughter had survived surgery on hers. I listen to them talk about her organs, her chances of recovery, the months of rehabilitation she’s facing. I watch the back of their white coats as they’re leaving the room and I hate them. Claribel, who had slipped out a few minutes earlier, comes back into the room with her phone in her hand.

“I spoke with Sam,” she says softly. “Leah is in Thailand. It’s why no one has been able to reach her.”

My eyes narrow. It’s almost second nature when Leah’s name is mentioned.

“Why?”

Claribel clears her throat. It’s a tiny, chirping sound.

“It’s all right,” I tell her. “I don’t have ties to her emotionally.”

“She went with her boyfriend. Since you were supposed to have Estella for Christmas.”

“God, and she just didn’t tell anyone? Was he able to contact her?”

She pulls on her necklace and frowns. “He’s trying.”

I cover my eyes with the heels of my hands. I haven’t eaten or slept in thirty hours. I glance at Estella.

“Her mother should be here. Let me know as soon as you hear something.”

“I’ll get them to send a cot up. You should eat. You need to be strong for Estella,” she says.

I nod.

I don’t eat. But, I do fall asleep in the chair next to her bed. When I wake, there is a nurse in the room checking her vitals. I rub a hand across my face, my vision blurry.

“How is she?” I ask. My voice is hoarse.

“Vitals are stable.” She smiles when she sees me rubbing the back of my neck. “Your wife went to get a cot sent over.”

“I’m sorry. Who?” Had Leah made it back that quickly?

“Estella’s mother,” she says. “She was just here.”

I nod and start walking toward the door. I want to know where the hell she was while our daughter almost lost her life. You don’t just leave the country without telling anyone when you had a child. She could have made it here before I did if anyone had been able to contact her. Why she didn’t bother leaving a number with my parents … I stop walking. Maybe she had. They weren’t here to confirm it. Maybe that’s why my mother had sounded so strange on the phone. Or maybe my mother had known who Leah left the country with, and that’s what made her upset. My mother. Think about that later, I tell myself for the thousandth time today. My feet kick-start and I’m walking again. Around the corner, into the main corridor where the nurses’ station is. Beeping … beeping … the smell of antiseptic … I can hear muffled footsteps and hushed voices, a doctor’s pager going off. I think about the crying I heard earlier and wonder what happened to the patient. Had it been tears of fear or mourning or regret? I could cry the trifecta of those emotions right now. I look for red hair and see none. Rubbing my hand across the back of my neck, I stand in the middle of the corridor, not sure where to go. I feel detached, as if I’m floating above my body instead of being inside of it. A balloon on a string, I think. Is this what exhaustion looks like, everything muted and blurry? Suddenly, I’m not sure what I came out here to do. I turn around to go back to Estella’s room and that’s when I see her. No more than a few yards away, we’re both still, watching each other, surprised – and yet, not – to have fallen into this same corridor together. I feel the balloon pop and suddenly, I’m being pulled back into my body. My thoughts regain their sharpness. Sounds, smells, colors – they all come into focus. I am living in high definition again.

“Olivia.”

She walks slowly toward me and doesn’t stop a few feet away like I think she will. She comes right into my arms, molding herself against me. I hold her, pressing my face into her hair. How does such a tiny fleck of a woman have so much power that I can be restored just by looking at her? I breathe her in; feel her under my fingertips. I know, I know, I know that I am the match and she is the gasoline and without each other we are just two objects void of reaction.

“You were in the room earlier?”

She nods.

“The nurse said that Estella’s mother was here. I was looking for red hair…”

She nods again. “She assumed and I didn’t correct her. Sam called Cammie, Cammie called me,” she says. “I came right away.” She touches my face, both hands on either cheek. “Let’s go back in and sit with her.”

I blow air through my nose trying to quell the overwhelming emotions, the relief that she’s here, the fear for my daughter, and the anger at myself. I let her lead me back to Estella and we sit on either side of her, saying nothing.