Текст книги "Baking and Babies"

Автор книги: Tara Sivec

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Текущая страница: 7 (всего у книги 15 страниц)

“We’re not leaving this room until you put this on the banana!” she argues. “I got glow-in-the-dark so we can be here all night!”

Grabbing the items from her hands so she stops shaking them in my face, I toss them over my shoulder and the banana thumps on the floor out in the hallway.

“I know how to use a condom, we are never speaking of my childhood masturbatory habits ever again, and I did NOT get anyone pregnant!” I yell at the top of my voice.

“I’m confused,” Rosa states.

I sigh, realizing I’ve reached a new low when I’d rather go back to talking about jerking off into gym socks than trying and explain this to them.

“It’s a long story,” I mutter.

Both of us stare at our mother as she bends down and starts pulling things out of the bags by my feet.

“There’s no sense in lying about it now, Alfanso. I had a nice long chat with that Molly girl’s aunt at the beauty parlor, and then we went shopping together,” she tells me happily, her mood doing a complete one-eighty as she digs through one of the bags and the sound of crinkling plastic fills the room.

Rosa’s head whips up from watching Mom dig through the bags and she stares at me in shock. “Wait, Molly as in ‘Cut the cord from mommy’ Facebook Molly? The Molly you just publicly asked out on a date on social media? That’s who you knocked up?”

“YOU asked her out on a date, not me! And yes, that Molly,” I reply, quickly backpedalling when Rosa opens her mouth to most likely call me a bunch of names. “But I did NOT get her pregnant!”

Mom stands up and begins shoving things at me, one after another until my arms are full of….

“Are these bibs? And bottles and baby socks and…what the hell is THIS?” I ask, staring at the box she just put on top of the pile I’m trying not to drop.

“It’s a breast pump,” Mom says with a huff, like I’m a moron for not knowing. “I also got ten packs of diapers, three receiving blankets, four different styles of pacifiers because you never know what the baby will like, diaper rash cream, and a baby monitor.”

Her face scrunches up in concentration for a minute and while she thinks, I try to force my brain to process what is happening.

“Oh!” she announces excitedly, clapping her hands together. “I knew I forgot something. Rosa, go out to my trunk and get the Diaper Genie.”

“What the hell is a Diaper Genie? Is that like, a guy who changes all the diapers? Why didn’t Tessa have one of those?” I ask, my brain clearly not catching up as fast as I’d like.

“I think now would be a good time for that long story you mentioned before Mom starts building an addition on the house for a nursery,” Rosa whispers, as my mom hands her a tiny little baby shirt.

“Awwww, look,” Rosa says, holding it up in front of her. “It says World’s Greatest Aunt!”

I finally get my head out of my ass, opening my arms and letting everything my mom shoved at me fall to the floor, snatching the shirt from Rosa’s hands that she’s cooing over.

“Heeeey! Give me my aunt shirt back!” she complains.

“You don’t need a damn aunt shirt because you aren’t going to be an aunt again!” I argue, holding it out of her reach as she tries to grab it back. “And I don’t need a magic genie to change diapers, or any of this other stuff, because I’m not going to be a father! I didn’t get anyone pregnant.”

Bending down to avoid the evil-eye both of the women in the room are now giving me, I start shoveling all the items I dropped back into the bags.

“Molly is doing a favor for her sister, and I’m not kidding when I say it’s a long story,” I explain, wondering if I could have Molly give all this stuff to Charlotte and earn me a few more brownie points so she’ll forget about the whole puking in the bushes thing the other night. “She’s pretending to be pregnant and I’m pretending to be the father because her sister wants to wait until after her wedding in a few weeks to break the news to everyone. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but I honestly never thought you’d run into one of Molly’s relatives and find out. It’s not that big of a deal, but you guys absolutely CANNOT tell anyone about this.”

Rosa pats me on the back when I stand back up. “Damn, I guess you don’t need my help clearing Alfanso D.’s name. You could tell her you’re Satan at this point and she’d probably shrug it off since you’re going through so much trouble for her family. You actually do have a brain.”

I ignore the brain comment instead of saying something sarcastic because I don’t like how quiet our mother is, and if Rosa and I start firing insults at each other, she might make good on that threat of shoving a spoon up our asses.

“Look, Auntie Rosa! I put a dress on the ’nanana!”

Rosa and I turn around and find Valerie sitting in the middle of the hallway behind us, proudly holding up the banana I threw, now covered in a florescent green condom.

Our mother pushes her way between us, walking over to Valerie, squatting down in front of her and taking the condom-covered banana from her hand.

“What a pretty dress for the banana!” Mom exclaims. “I have thirty-nine other dresses, in all the colors of the rainbow. Why don’t you teach Uncle how to put a dress on the banana, since he doesn’t seem to care about me at all?”

I roll my eyes at her dramatics as she stands back up and helps Valerie up from the floor as well.

“How could you do this to me?” she whispers as my niece starts making airplane noises and flying the condom banana around the hallway. “Is it too much to ask that my son give me another grandchild? What am I supposed to tell the women at the beauty parlor now?”

One minute she’s beating me with a spoon when she thinks I got someone pregnant, and now she’s bitching at me for NOT getting someone pregnant. I need a drink.

“If you’ll excuse me,” she says with a haughty lift of her chin. “I’m going to rearrange my bookshelf to make room for your next porn cookbook, now that I know I won’t need the space for pictures of my new grandchild.”

I think I’d prefer having the spoon shoved up my ass right about now…

“I believe this would be a good time to get drunk and tell me the rest of the story,” Rosa informs me as Valerie races up to us and starts smacking me in the leg with the banana.

“Hump-hump-hump! Banana’s gonna pee on you!”

Rosa laughs, walking away from me as I try to get the phallic-shaped fruit away from our niece.

“Hey! A little help here!” I shout to her as she keeps going.

“Hump-hump-hump!” Valerie shouts. “Uncle, why is the green dress all slippery? It’s making my hands yucky!”

Rosa’s laugh echoes down the hallway as she gives me a wave over her shoulder.

“I’ll have the wine ready when the four-year-old finishes teaching you how to dress a banana!” she shouts, disappearing into the kitchen.

I finally manage to wrangle the banana out of Valerie’s hand, hearing the front door open and shut while I try to keep it out of her reach.

“GIVE ME BACK MY HUMPY!” she screams.

Tessa walks up behind her daughter, staring at the banana I’m now holding above my head.

“I think Uncle needs Humpy more than you, Val,” Tessa tells her daughter, running her hand over the top of her head. “Grandma sent mommy a text and said Uncle doesn’t know how to properly dress a banana so he needs to practice.”

Yep, I’d definitely prefer being locked in a trunk and covered in pee.

Two hours and four bottles of wine later, I find myself lying on my mother’s kitchen floor next to Rosa, while my mom and Tessa sit at the kitchen table talking about me like I’m not even here.

“It’s like he doesn’t even care, Tessa,” my mother says with a sigh.

“Hey, give me your phone, I’ve got the best idea EVER!” Rosa tells me, holding her hand out above my face.

“Okay,” I tell her, letting my wine buzz speak for me as I slap my phone into her hand.

She’s had just as much wine to drink as I have, it’s not like she’s sober enough to do anything that bad.

Chapter 11

– Handy –

Molly

“I can’t believe I took a red-eye flight home for this shit,” Ava complains, shaking her head at me in disappointment as she perches on the edge of our mother’s desk at Seduction and Snacks.

“Hey, I told you on the phone last night what was going on. It’s not my fault you felt the need to get the first flight out,” I argue.

Today was my first official day at the headquarters of our family business in the test kitchen. I had a glorious day working alone in the huge industrial kitchen while I got busy tweaking some of the old recipes, and then Ava had to come in and ruin my good mood by dragging me away from my happy place and into mom’s empty office on the other side of the building while she was out running errands.

“Charlotte tore me a new asshole for spilling the beans to Mom and Dad so I figured coming home early in your time of need was the least I could do,” she informs me. “I still can’t believe she’s making you do this shit for her, and I can’t believe you actually agreed to it.”

I was so busy trying to decipher a bunch of weird, random text messages Marco sent last night that when my cell phone rang, I quickly answered it without checking caller I.D., hoping it was him. Ava screamed at me for fifteen minutes about getting pregnant and how she had to find out from Tyler instead of me. When I finally managed to shut her up and tell her the truth, she said she was coming home and hung up before I could say anything else.

“It seemed like a good idea at the time, and did you not hear me when I told you everything she agreed to give me?” I ask.

“Who cares about that shit? Tell me more about this hot teacher of yours that’s standing in as the baby daddy,” she says with a wicked smile. “Charlotte said his name is Mo or something.”

Rolling my eyes, I push myself up from the chair in the middle of the room and start to pace. “His name is Marco, not Mo, and he’s not my teacher. Not anymore at least, you know, since I graduated.”

I pause, wondering if she’ll acknowledge my big accomplishment since no one else seems to have remembered now that they have my fake baby on the brain. I’m trying not to let it get to me that no one in my family has said a word about how all of my hard work for the last two years has successfully come to an end. Even today, my first official day of work, which was temporarily scheduled six months ago barring I passed my final, went unnoticed. When I announced I was going to work this morning and waited for it to click in with my mother, all she did was hand me a prenatal vitamin and told me not to take it on an empty stomach.

“Mmmmmm, Marco,” she purrs. “Me likey. He already sounds hot, tell me more.”

Feeling stupid for thinking Ava of all people would be the one to congratulate me, I continue pacing.

“All guys name their penis, so don’t be embarrassed about that. Although Humpy the Wonder Penis is a little much,” she muses, causing me to stop pacing.

“Where the hell did you get my cell phone?!” I yell, trying to take it from her, but she moves quickly and smacks my hand away.

“I grabbed it from the kitchen counter before I dragged you in here,” she laughs, continuing to read the string of weird texts I got from Marco last night. “You should know better than to leave your phone lying around for just anyone to take.”

I haven’t even had a chance to try and decipher those texts, and now Ava is going to make it worse.

“Humpy likes to wear green dresses and bananas are delicious,” she reads one of the texts out loud. “Yikes, how much time did you say he spent alone with Uncle Drew?”

I finally manage to overpower her and snatch my phone out of her hands. “Your boyfriend dresses up like a horse, your opinion is invalid!”

She hops off of her desk and puts her hands on her hips. “It’s not a horse, it’s as PONY, show some respect!”

There are so many things I could say right now, but I decide to keep them to myself because spending any amount of time thinking about what Ava and her Brony boyfriend do when they’re alone makes me was to dunk my head in a tub full of bleach.

“I see what you’re doing by trying to turn this around on me,” she says casually, dropping her hands from her hips to lean back against the edge of the desk. “You’re avoiding the real issue.”

I scoff. “Really? I’m pretending to be pregnant because our sister is too afraid to tell her fiancé the truth. I’m fucking up my life, so she can live happily ever after. How is that avoiding ANY subject?”

She waves me off with a flap of her hand.

“Pshaw, b-o-r-i-n-g,” she says in a sing-song voice. “I’m much more interested on you being a pregnant virgin. Let’s discuss that.”

“Oh, my GOD, is nothing sacred in this family?!” I shout in irritation.

And here I thought Charlotte and I finally had a moment in the doctor’s office. She probably called Ava five seconds after we left.

“Sacred? You’re kidding, right?” she laughs. “Uncle Drew puts a picture of his balls on their Christmas card every year, and forever ruined Taco Tuesday night at mom and dad’s when he told us Aunt Jenny’s vagina can hold two taco shells without spilling the contents. The sacred ship sailed long before we were born.”

I cringe, remembering there are much worse things to have floating around in my brain aside from Ava and her pony-loving boyfriend.

“I think we need to discuss when you plan on telling this Marco guy that you haven’t lost your virginity,” she smirks.

I feel my face heat with embarrassment as she stares at me. Forget the whole fake pregnancy thing. That is a piece of cake compared to this torture.

“And don’t bother trying to make up some lie about how he’s just a guy and it’s no big deal,” she warns me. “Charlotte already told me how cute you two are together and how you’ve been all girly and emo that he hasn’t called since he met the family.”

My mouth drops open in indignation. “I have NOT been girly and emo!”

“So you haven’t been checking your phone every two minutes and kept yourself locked in your bedroom playing the soundtrack from The Virgin Suicides on repeat?” she asks with a knowing smile.

First Charlotte and now my mother. Forget moving across town, I’m moving to Mexico.

“It’s a good soundtrack!” I argue lamely.

“From a movie about five sisters who commit suicide!” she replies. “I repeat, girly and emo.”

I groan, throwing my hands up in the air.

“Fine! I really like the guy, and he said he really likes me too which I guess is obvious considering that he agreed to do something so crazy to help me out, but then all the idiots we’re related to got ahold of him and he traded in his macho sports car for a mom van, came home smelling like pee and threw up hotdogs for the next two days where I only heard from him twice until last night when he kept sending me texts about bananas wearing dresses, and I’m pretty sure our family ruined him permanently and I’ll never see him again,” I ramble so fast I barely comprehend what is coming out of my mouth.

Fortunately, Ava speaks fluent rambling nonsense and nods her head in understanding.

“Yeah, Charlotte told me about the bag of dicks thing, too. Bravo to Marco for finally putting an end to that argument so we don’t have to listen to it at yet another Thanksgiving dinner,” she says. “He’s not completely ignoring you, so obviously they didn’t scare him away for good. The poor guy had to deal with a lot in one day, so cut him some slack. He took his own life in his hands, and you didn’t even put out when it was over. That guy is a saint.”

Even though my life is on the verge of imploding all because of Charlotte, I can’t deny that it was sort of nice when we did have that little moment in the doctor’s office, and she’s called and texted me nonstop since then checking to see if I’ve heard anything more from Marco, like she actually cares. And I’m more than a little surprised that I actually like it.

If Charlotte is the sister I can talk about stupid girl stuff with like my feelings, and it doesn’t make me break out in hives, I suppose I can suck it up and give Ava a chance to give me her expertise—sex.

“There’s no way he expected to get sex after that…” I mutter, biting my bottom lip as I think it over. “Right? I mean, sure we’ve known each other for two years, but that was the first time we ever hung out and said more than a handful of words to each other.”

She laughs and shakes her head at me. “Oh, little sister, you have so much to learn. Tyler expects sex if he remember to put the toilet seat down. Marco met your family on the first date AND had to put up with everyone looking at him the entire time while they pictured him sticking his penis in their little girl. He had to deal with the fact that our parent’s brains gave his dick more action than his dick actually got. You’re right, sex might have been a bit much, but you could have thrown the guy a bone and given him a handy or something.”

I’m pretty sure studying Urban Dictionary would be more beneficial than asking for Ava’s advice on sex.

“Can you be serious for one minute?” I ask in irritation. “I don’t need you making fun of me for not jerking him off at the end of the night. I’m sure touching a guy’s penis when he’s throwing up six pounds of hotdogs is no big deal for you, but it’s just a little bit out of my comfort zone.”

She crosses her arms and speaks to me matter-of-factly. “I am always serious when it comes to sex. While it’s true that I happen to have some experience with the aforementioned during a recent bout of the stomach flu and Tyler insisting it was the only way he could stop throwing up, I assure you it wasn’t the easiest thing I’ve ever done.”

I never thought I’d see the day when I’d rather talk about Bronies…

“I’m not making fun of you, Molly,” she continues. “To avoid any confusion, my advice would be to tell Marco the truth. If he knows you’re a virgin, his expectations won’t be as high and you won’t constantly be worrying that he’s waiting for you to do something.”

I shake my head at her and roll my eyes. “I can’t just come right out and tell him something like that, it’s embarrassing.”

“Really?” she scoffs. “More embarrassing than our father picturing Marco spraying his seed all up in your business whenever he looks at you?”

“Eeeeeew!” I groan in disgust. “Come on!”

“It’s not like you have to give him all the details about Quinn Curtis in the back of his dad’s Honda Civic and explain that you sort of had sex, but you’re still a virgin because they guy has a micro penis,” she informs me.

“Jesus, is there anything Charlotte DIDN’T tell you?” I complain.

“Oh, Charlotte didn’t tell me that. I read your texts two days after prom,” she informs me with a shrug. “Don’t feel bad. I dated his older brother for a week in high school and gave him a blowjob after a football game. I open my mouth wider when I whistle. It runs in the family.”

I close my eyes and start rubbing the tips of my fingers against my temples, wondering if it’s possible for a brain to literally explode.

“Here, let’s practice,” she announces. “Repeat after me. Marco, I haven’t lost my virginity yet.”

I drop my hands from the side of my head and glare at her.

“I’m not just going to blurt out that I haven’t lost my virginity. I didn’t lose it, I know exactly where it is. It’s in my vagina where it will remain until the right time comes along,” I tell her indignantly.

“This guy has seen Uncle Drew’s balls!” she argues. “In a Walmart parking lot, for God’s sakes! There is no such thing as the right time when Uncle Drew’s balls have already made an appearance. Do you want to have sex with this guy?”

I roll my eyes and sigh. “Yes.”

“Then be loud and be proud!” she shouts, throwing her fist in the air. “I haven’t lost it yet, but I want to lose it with you!”

Since I made the mistake of staying in the room and letting Ava give me her stupid expertise instead of plugging my ears and running away as fast as I could, I might as well get this over with so I can pretend like it never happened.

“I haven’t lost it yet, but I want to lose it with you,” I mumble under my breath.

“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you,” she says, holding her hand to her ear.

“I HAVEN’T LOST IT YET, BUT I WANT TO LOSE IT WITH YOU!” I yell at the top of my lungs.

“Lost what? Do you need help finding something?”

I scream and whirl around, wishing immediately that the whole brain explosion thing would have happened a few minutes ago. I’d kind of like to be dead right about now.

“Sorry for interrupting, but the woman at the front desk told me you were in here.” Marco smiles at me before glancing over my shoulder. “Hi, I’m Marco Desoto. You must be Molly’s other sister, Ava.”

“Ooooh, an Italian Stallion,” she whispers. “You won’t have to worry about an inchworm penis with this one.”

“I heard you yelling about losing something, need some help?” Marco asks, his eyes roaming around the office.

Ava snorts unladylike and I’m too busy waiting for the floor to open up and swallow me to care.

“I’m pretty good at finding things,” Marco announces. “Did you lose your keys? Wallet? Cell phone?”

I’m unable to make my mouth work or form words, and all I can do is watch in mortification as he starts digging through the couch cushions of the love seat against the wall.

“Am I hot or cold?” Marco asks as he moves to a side table and pulls open the drawer.

“I don’t know, what do you think, Molly?” Ava laughs.

“I know it’s stupid, but did you try your pants?” Marco asks, oblivious to how much enjoyment Ava is getting out this. “I think I lose things all the time and then find them in the most obvious places.”

He walks right up to me and starts patting my hips while my sister tries to stifle her giggles behind me.

“I think you’re getting warmer, Marco. I’m sure you’ll find what you’re looking for in her pants,” Ava informs him.

Even though the combination of wanting to die and the feel of Marco’s warm hands running up and down my hips has turned me stupid, I finally manage to recover enough bodily function to turn my head and glare over my shoulder at Ava.

“I will murder you in your sleep,” I whisper through clenched teeth.

She ignores me, grabbing an old-fashioned calligraphy dip pen from the top of mom’s desk that she found at an antique store a few months ago, holding it up in the air.

“Oh, look! I found it!” she announces with a big smile. “It’s a gift for you, Marco. Molly tried to give it to someone else a few years ago, but he didn’t know what to do with it.”

I snarl at her as Marco drops his hands from my hips and reaches around me to take the pen from her outstretched hand.

“Wow, this is pretty cool,” he muses. “I actually know how to use one of these, too. I took a calligraphy class as an elective in college.”

“Awwww, did you hear that, Molly? He knows what to do with this gift you’re giving him,” she says happily.

“You just have to be careful. It can get really messy if you go too fast or don’t know what you’re doing,” Marco adds.

“Very messy, especially the first time. Never use it on a bed with white sheets,” Ava says with a nod.

“A bed?” Marco laughs. “On top of a table is a better idea.”

Her eyes light up. “Ooooh, kinky. I like you already, Marco.”

Grabbing Marco’s hand before this gets even more out of hand, I drag him to the door, staring at Ava as I go, making sure my eyes convey that she should sleep with one eye open for the rest of her life.

“It was nice meeting you, Ava!” Marco shouts as I pull him out the door.

“See you soon, Humpy banana penis!” she yells back.

Marco groans as I hustle him down the hall and as far away from my sister as possible.

“Oh, God, she saw the texts I sent you? This is mortifying,” he complains as I push open the front doors of the building and pull him outside.

“Don’t talk to me about mortifying until your sister tells you about giving her boyfriend a hand-job to make him stop puking,” I mutter.

“Wait, that’s a thing? I can’t believe I’ve wasted all these years asking for 7-up when there was a much better alternative,” he says in awe.

I can’t believe the things that come out of your mouth remind me of something my family would say, and it makes me like you even more.

I need therapy.