Текст книги "Baking and Babies"

Автор книги: Tara Sivec

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Текущая страница: 14 (всего у книги 15 страниц)

Chapter 23

– Smell the Meat –

Marco

Like the fucking coward I am, I left the rehearsal dinner last night with my tail tucked between my legs as soon as Molly walked away from me with tears in her eyes. Well, as soon as Drew made me watch twenty minutes of foot fetish porn and Tyler told me he knew a guy who knew a guy who could get me Viagra, but it would involve me stripping at something called BronyCon that I was afraid to ask about.

I knew this would happen and I knew it would fuck up everything, but like an idiot, I just kept putting it off until it all blew up in my face. And blow up it did when a blast from my man-whore past showed up and ruined my life.

Fucking Megan Levine…that chocolate sauce chapter wasn’t even about her, but the one with the recipe for a strawberry sauce to add to your bath water for a fresh smelling vagina was. That chick had a nice rack, but her pussy smelled like ham, and not delicious, Easter Sunday ham either. Like ten-day-old rancid lunchmeat ham.

Stupid Megan Levine and her stupid ham vagina.

“Did you call my guy’s guy about the dick drugs?”

Tyler comes up next to me and hands me a beer while I stare across the room at Molly. I tried to talk to her earlier at the wedding ceremony, but she pretended like I didn’t exist and refused to even look at me. I’m not leaving this reception until she lets me apologize and explain.

“I don’t need dick drugs, Tyler, we were talking about a soufflé,” I clarify, watching Molly duck down under the head table again for probably the tenth time in the last few minutes.

What the hell is she doing?

“Is that like, French or something? I kind of like it. It sounds more dignified to say I fucked a soufflé,” he muses. “Is that gonna be in the next book? Can I get an advanced copy?”

I chug my beer for some liquid courage and prepare to head over to Molly, dragging her out of here if I need to.

“The next book is called Baking and Babies and has nothing to do with the fucking of desserts,” I tell him with a sigh.

“Baking babies? Dude, that’s hard-core. I mean, I know kids are annoying and shit, but cooking them? Can you even do that?” he asks.

I watch Molly pop back up from under the table and stand, wobbling a little as she clutches onto the back of her chair. She’s so fucking beautiful it makes me want to cry. I’ve heard women complain about being forced to wear ugly bridesmaid dresses, but there is nothing ugly about the short purple, satin strapless dress clinging to Molly’s body. Her hair is up in some fancy do with a few pieces hanging down around her face and my hands have been itching all day to pull out the pins holding it in place so I could watch the silky dark locks spill around her naked shoulders.

“I guess you can slather BBQ sauce on just about anything and it will taste good, but I just don’t know if I could stomach eating an actual baby, no matter what you baste it in.”

While Tyler continues to talk to himself, I shove my empty bottle at him start walking towards the head table.

“What about Ranch?” Tyler shouts after me. “I might eat a baby if you put Ranch on it.”

A few people try to stop and talk to me, but I ignore them and keep my eye on the prize. When I’m a few feet away from the head table, the DJ comes up behind Gavin and Charlotte and speaks into his microphone.

“If everyone could have a seat, we’re going to get started with the toasts before dinner is served,” he announces to the room.

The reception hall is filled with the sounds of chairs scraping across the floor as everyone sits down. With a quick glance around me, I realize I’m the only one still standing so I quickly grab an empty seat at the nearest table as the DJ hands the microphone to Molly.

She grabs it and moves to stand behind Gavin and Charlotte, swaying a little when she stops and I immediately realize what she was doing each time she disappeared out of sight under the table.

“This is going to be amazing. She’s so wasted,” Ava whispers with a laugh as she pulls up a chair next to me and flops down.

“Shouldn’t you be up there with the rest of the bridal party? And why the hell did you let her drink so much?” I ask in a quiet, angry voice.

Molly blows loudly into the microphone, the speakers screeching with feedback as everyone in the room winces from the ear piercing noise.

“I didn’t realize until five minutes ago that she’s been inhaling a bottle of vodka under the table since she got here,” Ava tells me while Molly giggles into the microphone and apologizes to everyone. “I went to get her some black coffee from the kitchen, but they haven’t brewed any yet.”

“I’d like to thank everyone for coming out tonight to celebrate the joyous union of my perfect sister and her perfect Gavin,” Molly starts, holding her champagne glass in the air.

“I hope someone is filming this,” Ava laughs.

“Aren’t they just sooooooooo perfect?” Molly asks sarcastically.

“We need to do something. This is not good,” I mutter.

“Are you kidding me? This is amazing. Charlotte has been a raging bitch to us all day, reminding us to keep our mouth’s shut every five minutes so we wouldn’t ruin her perfect day,” Ava explains while Molly starts to pace behind a nervous-looking Charlotte and a confused-looking Gavin. “I love Charlotte, but I fully support whatever Molly is about to do. Charlotte has been so concerned with having the perfect wedding that she doesn’t even realize none of this shit matters in the long run.”

I definitely agree with Ava, but I really don’t want Molly doing something she’s going to regret. Giving a drunk speech in front of two-hundred friends and family when half of them think she’s pregnant might be a bad idea.

“Also, you’re lucky I’m wearing a dress and not kicking your ass right now,” Ava tells me with a glare while Molly instructs everyone to hold up their glasses for her toast. “I don’t know what you did to my sister last night, but it must have been pretty bad for her to cry. I’ve never seen that bitch cry. She collects jars of other people’s tears under her bed, she never sheds them herself. What did you do?”

I open my mouth to tell her it’s a long story and I plan on doing whatever I can to fix it when the sound of loud, heavy breathing echoes through the room.

“Hold on a second. I need to take these fucking heels off, my feet are killing me,” Molly says, the words sounding even more garbled since she has her mouth pressed right up against the microphone while she leans against the wall and quickly removes her shoes.

She chucks them right over Charlotte and Gavin’s head and they land in the middle of the front table where her parents and aunt and uncles are seated.

“WOOOHOOOOO TAKE IT OFF!” Drew shouts, grabbing one of her shoes and waving it around above his head.

Claire punches him in the arm and I hear her yell at him about Molly being his niece, Drew quickly lowering his arm and his lips form the words, “Oh, yeah. I forgot.”

Molly starts walking behind the bridal party, stopping when she gets to a small table at the end that holds trays of appetizers.

“So, I guess you guys all heard that I’m knocked up,” she speaks into the microphone, setting her glass down on the table.

“Did she say she’s getting locked up? I didn’t know Molly was going to prison,” someone whispers loudly.

I turn my head and realize I sat down at Molly’s grandfather’s table and he’s currently giving me the stink eye while Sue shakes her head sadly and he chews on a toothpick.

“Skull-fucker,” Molly’s grandpa mouths silently, pulling the toothpick out of his mouth and pointing it at me.

I swallow nervously and turn back around to watch the train wreck in front of me, wondering if I should go up there and take the microphone away from Molly or if that would just make things worse.

One of the groomsmen leans to the side and holds his hand out for the microphone and Molly smacks him on the hand with it.

“Fuck off! I’m in the middle of something here,” Molly shouts when she brings the mic back up to her mouth. “Where was I?”

Yep, going up there would probably be worse.

She grabs one of the trays from the appetizer table and unsteadily carries it back to her original spot behind the bride and groom.

“Oh, yeah,” she continues, dropping the tray onto the table next to Charlotte. “So, this one day I was minding my own business, and then BAM, I was suddenly knocked up. And here’s the funny thing, I hadn’t even had sex! I know, right?”

Charlotte drops her head to the table and Molly laughs.

“Well, I mean, there was this one time with Pez Penis but that doesn’t count, and then like, fifteen times with a guy I thought loved me and those TOTALLY count and they were awesome because he doesn’t have a Pez Penis, but he’s a liar and he lied and I threw up on his penis and everything and he still lied,” Molly says with a sniffle.

“Did she say she threw up on a penis?” Sue whispers.

“God dammit, you heard that? There goes my Wednesday blow jobs,” Molly’s grandfather grumbles.

“DAMN YOU, TOM BRADY!”

I don’t even need to turn my head to see who yelled that, especially when I hear Jenny tell him to shut the hell up because Molly is trying to confess her sins to cleanse Aurora.

“I’m so happy my sister married the love of her life and had the most perfect wedding ever,” Molly continues. “I’m so glad she gets to live happily ever after when my life sucks and it never would have sucked in the first place if I didn’t have Cletus the Fetus and a liar liar-pants baby daddy who can’t get it up!”

This half of the room all whip their heads in my direction with shocked expressions on their face and I throw my hands up in the air.

“It was a soufflé, dammit! I collapsed a soufflé,” I tell them.

“Say it with a French accent, dude! It doesn’t sound as pervy that way!” Tyler shouts from the back of the room.

“Is Molly drunk? Isn’t that bad for the baby?” Uncle Carter asks his wife.

“Oh yeah, she’s trashed. Just wait for it,” Claire tells him with a smile.

“Is there something I need to know?” Jim questions Liz.

“You just sit there and look pretty, honey,” Liz says with a smile, patting the top of his hand.

“I’d like everyone to raise their glasses and toast the happy, perfect couple sitting right here looking all happy and perfect,” Molly tells the room.

While everyone awkwardly lifts their glasses, Molly grabs a huge handful of something from the tray she dropped to the table and then taps Charlotte on the head with the microphone.

Charlotte slowly lifts her head as Molly sticks her hand right up to her face.

“What the hell are you doing? Get that away from me,” Charlotte whines, the microphone just barely picking up her words.

“What’s wrong, Charlotte? It’s just some cured meats from your antipasto appetizer. Mmmmmmm, meat. Don’t they smell good? Like meat. Mmmmmmm lunchmeat,” Molly says into the microphone, waving a fist full of cold cuts in front of Charlotte’s nose.

Charlotte covers her mouth with one hand and shakes her head back and forth frantically.

“Smell the meat, Charlotte, SMELL IT!” Molly yells.

“This is a very strange wedding toast,” one of the guests whispers loudly from another table.

Charlotte tries to back away from Molly’s meat holding hand, but Molly moves right along with her and smacks her hand full of cold cuts against Charlotte’s chest. They stick to her skin as Molly pulls her hand away and laughs into the microphone.

Charlotte takes one horrified look down at the meat stuck to her chest and her cheeks puff out as she leans forward and throws up all over the table.

The room explodes in a chorus of groans and a couple of gags, but Gavin’s voice can still be heard above the noise.

“Shit! I thought you said your flu was finally gone?” he asks his new bride, grabbing a napkin to help her wipe her mouth.

“She doesn’t have the flu, you dumbass!” Molly informs him. “She’s got the meat sweats, isn’t that right, Charlotte?”

Charlotte’s hand flies back to her mouth, and she turns her head to glare at Molly.

“Stop talking about meat!” she screams behind her hand.

“Fine. SOUP, SOUP, SOUP! CREAMY SOUP, CHUNKY SOUP, GREASY, LUMPY, SOUP, SOUP, SOUP!” Molly yells into the microphone.

Charlotte’s eyes get so wide I’m surprised they don’t pop out of her head. Sweat drips down from her forehead and she quickly presses her other hand on top of the first one, holding them both as hard as she can against her mouth.

“Honestly, Molly, if you want soup that bad just ask the caterer, there’s no need to yell,” Gavin complains while he continues consoling his wife.

As soon as Gavin says the word soup, Charlotte’s body jerks with a heave and she presses her hands harder against her face to keep the vomit in.

“I know I should go up there and do something, but it’s like I’m watching a bus full of people slam into a brick wall,” Ava mumbles. “It’s horrifying and mesmerizing at the same time.”

Molly holds the microphone against her mouth and leans in close to Charlotte.

“Say it, out loud,” Molly growls.

“Who is Edward, from Twilight?!” Drew shouts excitedly.

“Oh, I get it now. This is like a wedding version of Jeopardy. Soup and meat, soup and meat…” Jenny says, scratching her head as she thinks. “Oh, I know! What are astrophysicists?!”

Drew looks at her in confusion and she rolls her eyes.

“You know, like chocolate and oysters and other stuff that makes people horny,” Jenny explains.

“Say it, or I will!” Molly yells at Charlotte.

“Fine!” Charlotte shouts back, dropping her hands from her face and turning to look at Gavin.

“Molly was never pregnant. It was me the whole time, and I’m sorry for lying to you, but I was afraid you wouldn’t want to marry me and I love you so much, and I didn’t want to lose you and I just wanted us to have the perfect wedding, and I know you probably hate me now and Molly hates me and my parents hate me, and I just threw up in front of everyone I know and I’m sorry I made Molly do this for me, but it’s not my fault your boyfriend lied to you about writing porn and WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS SALAMI SMELL LIKE ROTTEN ASS?!” Charlotte screams at the end of her rambling explanation.

“Pumpkin Roll Punany, bro!” Tyler shouts, pounding his fist against his heart and then pointing at me with a wink and a big smile.

“Cheers, mother fuckers!” Molly yells as she leans back from Charlotte. “Gilmore, OUT!”

With that, Molly throws her arm out in front of her and drops the microphone as it screeches with more feedback, thumping loudly through the speakers when it hits the floor.

Everyone mumbles a confused “cheers” in response, but they don’t get a chance to drink when all of a sudden a loud, banshee-like scream comes out of Charlotte’s mouth as she jumps up from her chair and lunges at Molly.

Ava and I fly up from our chairs as Charlotte quickly grabs the tray of antipasto salad, jerking it in Molly’s direction as she charges her. Huge piles of salami and thinly sliced ham soar through the air and smack against the front of Molly’s dress.

“Let’s see how YOU like the meat sweats!” Charlotte screams as Molly reaches down the front of her dress and pulls out a fist-full of ham.

“I happen to LOVE the meat sweats! Too bad we don’t have any ground meat so I could shove it in your fat ass granny panties and you can see what it will be like to have a slimy, meaty vagina in a few months!” Molly screams back.

“I think I’m going to puke now,” Gavin mutters, pressing his hands to his stomach.

The parents and aunts and uncles all jump up from their table and join Ava and I in a race around the bridal table as Molly and Charlotte scream in unison and start whipping lunch meat at each other’s faces.

“EAT THE SLIMY HAM, YOU SLUTTY PREGNANT DICK!” Molly yells, snatching a clump of meat from the table and shoving it against Charlotte’s mouth with one hand while she grabs a handful of Charlotte’s veil and holds her head still with the other.

“YOU EAT IT, YOU PENIS-PUKING-PORN-WRITER-FUCKER-WHORE-FACE!” Charlotte screams back, jerking her face from side to side as Molly keeps trying to shove ham in her mouth.

Ava and I get to Molly first and we both wrap our arms around her, pulling her away from Charlotte as she kicks and screams and curses. Liz and Jim do the same to Charlotte, and we all manage to separate the girls as they continue to fling cold cuts at each other while we drag them apart.

Tyler quickly grabs the microphone from the floor where Molly dropped it, tapping on it a few times before addressing the crowd.

“And that concludes the dinner theater portion of the reception! How about we give these guys a hand for their amazing and artistic portrayal of a white trash family?!” Tyler says, clapping his hand against the microphone as the room slowly joins in. “Help yourself to the open bar and stay tuned for the next show in forty-five minutes. The famous author, Alfanso D. will be cooking up some tasty babies as a special treat for everyone!”

He sets down the microphone and the confused guests start getting up from their tables to head to the bar where hopefully there’s enough booze to make all of them black-out.

“You take care of this one, I’m going to help Mom and Dad,” Ava tells me, shoving Molly into my arms. “Fix her, or I will use the box of toothpicks in my grandfather’s pocket to filet your dick like a trout and shove it down your throat.”

My dick tries to claw its way up inside my body in fear when Ava gives me the two-finger warning, point at her eyes and then my crotch area before walking away.

Taking a deep breath, I turn Molly around to face me and quietly begin pulling pieces of ham and salami out of her hair.

“I ruined my sister’s wedding and you ruined my heart,” she whispers sadly.

Glancing behind her, I see Gavin down on his knees talking to Charlotte’s stomach with a huge smile on his face while the rest of her family laughs and jokes with each other around them.

“Only one of those things is true,” I tell her quietly as I peal off a slice of ham stuck to her shoulder and toss it to the floor. Gently turning her body around, I point to her family a few feet away.

“I can’t believe I’m going to be a dad!” Gavin says happily, placing another kiss to Charlotte’s stomach before jumping to his feet and pulling her in for a hug.

Charlotte nestles her face into the side of his neck and mumbles an apology.

“I’m sorry I lied to you. I should have told you the truth, I was just so scared of losing you. I’m such an idiot…” she trails off.

“You’re both idiots,” Claire tells them, glaring at Gavin. “How in the hell did you not realize your fiancé was pregnant when you live together?”

Gavin shrugs. “I mean, I knew she was acting different, but you always told me if I didn’t have anything nice to say that I shouldn’t say anything at all. What kind of a man would I be if I told the woman I love that I thought her ass was getting a little big?”

Charlotte starts crying and Gavin quickly backpedals. “I didn’t mean it like that! You have a GREAT ass!”

Drew steps forward and nods enthusiastically. “It’s true, you do. Tom Brady always grabs the gherkin when he looks at your ass.”

Molly turns away from them and I press my hands to her cheeks, tilting her face up to me.

“You have no idea how sorry I am.”

She sniffles, swiping angrily at a tear on her cheek. I hate myself for making her cry, but at least she’s not running away, refusing to listen. Judging by what just happened, I’m pretty sure she polished off more vodka than everyone in this room combined and who knows if she’ll even understand or remember what I’m about to say, but I know it’s the only chance I have to explain and I’m taking it whether she passes out or throws up.

Giving up on the meat since there seems to be a hell of a lot stuck to her and down the front of her dress, I grab her face and tilt it up so I can see her eyes.

“I’m sorry for lying to you,” I whisper. “It killed me to keep it from you, and I swear on my mother and sister’s lives that I’ve tried to tell you so many times the last few weeks. I’m sorry I’m such an asshole and kept putting it off because I was so afraid of losing you.”

She sighs loudly and I start talking faster before she walks away.

“I was a jerk before we got together, and yes, I said and did a lot of stupid shit online just to get people to laugh and buy that stupid cookbook. You changed everything, Molly. You and your crazy family made me want things I never thought I did before. I’ve never been so tied up in knots or so scared or crazy. You make me crazy, and it’s the best thing that’s every happened to me,” I tell her softly.

“I was so scared to tell you the truth because I know how much you hate that guy. I hate him too but you have to know I’m not him anymore, and it’s because of you. It kills me knowing I hurt you and it breaks my heart that I’m the reason for your tears. Please, forgive me, Molly. If you give me one more chance, I promise I’ll never make you cry again. I’ll spend every day showing you I’m not that same jerk who exploited women for a stupid cookbook. Give me a chance to earn your trust again. I love you. I’ve waited my whole life for someone like you. Stay with me, say you’ll forgive me, and I will do anything. Whatever it takes.”

I stop talking and hold my breath until she finally speaks.

“You’ll do anything?” she asks.

My heart beats faster with excitement even though I shouldn’t get my hopes up. There is no way she’ll forgive me this easily and I don’t blame her.

I nod my head quickly in response.

“Whatever I ask?” she questions.

I nod again and she pushes up on her tiptoes and whispers softly in my ear. When she’s finished, she pulls away and I drop my hands from her face with a soft groan.

“Really? Right now?”

She takes a few steps back and grabs the microphone from the table where Tyler left it, her eyes never leaving mine as she comes back to me and holds it out in front of her.

“I’m covered in meat grease and announced to everyone I know that I puked on a dick because I drank half a bottle of vodka to try and stop my heart from hurting,” she tells me, pointing towards the room full of people. “Right here, right now.”

With a sigh, I bring the microphone up to my mouth.

“Excuse me, could I have everyone’s attention, please?”

The low hum of conversation in the room immediately quiets down and all eyes turn to me. I glance at Molly to see if she might change her mind, but she just crosses her arm and waits for me to do what she asked.

I look back out at the crowd and smile nervously.

“So, um, hello everyone. My name is Marco and I just want to thank you all for coming and tell you I masturbate into my socks. Like, a lot.”

I laugh uncomfortably at the silence in the room, looking over at Molly again to see her pull a piece of salami out of the front of her dress and take a bite. She motions to me with the half-eaten slice to continue, the meat flopping around in her hand as I look back out at the crowded room.

“I like how the soft, fuzzy cotton of tube socks feels against my penis. I am a tube-sock-masturbator, and I’m not ashamed to leave crusty, jizz-filled socks under my bed for my mom to find,” I say in a rush, quickly pulling the microphone away from my mouth.

“WE LOVE YOU, MINIVAN!” Drew screams.

The guests immediately go back to their drinks and conversation, no longer shocked about anything that happens at this point.

Tossing the microphone on top of the table, I wrap my arms around Molly’s waist and pull her against my body. “Am I forgiven now?”

She presses her hands against my chest and looks up at me.

“Not yet, but that definitely earned you a few bonus points,” she tells me with a smile.

I can finally start breathing normally again and I lean my face down to hers, needing to feel her lips against mine to reassure myself that everything will be okay.

Her hand comes up between us and she presses it against my lips right before they touch hers.

“I really want to kiss you even thought I’m still kind of pissed at you, but I think I’m ready to throw up all the vodka now. Eating that meat was a bad idea,” she whispers, moving her hand from my mouth to hold it over her own.

“Oooooh, does Molly have the meat sweats now?” Charlotte laughs as her and Gavin walk up to us with their arms wrapped around each other.

“I think it’s the vodka sweats,” I tell her as Molly bends forward and puts her hands on her knees while I rub her back.

“Oh, that’s nothing. Try having the night sweats because you’re becoming a changeling,” Jenny announces, walking over with Drew while Claire and Carter and Liz and Jim follow.

“Jesus, Jenny, how many times do I have to tell you it’s called going through the change, not becoming a fucking changeling?” Claire tells her.

Drew shakes his head sadly and pats her back. “Sweetie, you don’t have to make up stories about menopause. It’s okay to admit you’ve been waking up with hot flashes because you’re having sex dreams about poop sex. You’re amongst family and no one will judge you. I’ve accepted your fetish, and I promise to take a dump on you the next time I’ve got one ready.”

Molly groans down by my knees and I feel her pain as my stomach rolls with the need to puke right along with her.

“I’m going to pretend I never heard those words come out of your mouth and just say I’m glad you girls finally got your shit together and came clean,” Liz says. “Do you have any idea how hard it’s been to keep a straight face the last few weeks? Jesus, Claire and I deserve a fucking medal.”

Molly’s head pops up and she looks quickly between her mother and her aunt. “You knew? This entire time you knew we were lying?”

Liz and Claire share a look and start laughing.

“Duh. Do we look like idiots?” Liz asks.

“Do you think maybe you should have clued me in on this information?” Jim complains.

Liz glares at him. “I was going to until I found out that stain on my living room carpet is actually meerkat jizz and not chip dip, like you swore it was.”

Jim groans and Drew starts laughing. “Fucking Tom Brady. That little guy sure did appreciate turtle porn, let me tell you. I’ve never seen so much spooge come out of such a tiny animal.”

Molly immediately turns her head and relieves herself of that pesky vodka, all over my shoes while Charlotte does the same down the front of Gavin’s tux.

“But seriously,” Liz continues, like the pukefest isn’t even happening. “I kind of just wanted to see how far you guys would take it before putting you out of your misery, but then you three girls started getting along like real sisters and that seemed more important than the shit-show you were putting on for us.”

I’m not sure who is more shocked right now since Charlotte, Ava, Molly and I all share the same jaw-dropping looks of surprise.

“So, Molly’s not pregnant?” Drew asks.

Liz shakes her head. “Nope.”

“But she had sex, right? You had sex?” Drew asks, turning to look at Molly, still bent over down by my knees.

“Uh, yes?” Molly replies uncertainly.

“WOOOHOOO, Molly had sex!” Drew cheers, punching his fists in the air.

A painful ‘oof’ comes out of him when Jim punches him in the stomach. When Drew recovers, he holds his hands up in front of her to stop Jim from hitting him again.

“I know, I know! She’s my niece, and it’s disgusting I’m happy, but…it’s sex, dude!” Drew explains. “Sex is awesome! But, she’s my niece and I should be pissed. But sex is awesome!”

Drew crosses his arms and shakes his head. “I hate being so conflicted.”

Liz grabs Charlotte and Ava, pulling them over to Molly as she finally stands back up and takes a deep breath to calm her churning stomach.

“I almost smothered the three of you when you were toddlers and couldn’t get along. Then, I tried to sell you on eBay when all three of you had your periods at the same time and almost killed each other,” Liz tells them. “Now that you’re adults, I’m not ashamed to admit I’ve done research on turning you into mail-order brides and shipping you off to another country to make you someone else’s problem. Can you girls finally admit you love each other and stop acting like assholes?”

The three sisters look at each other quietly for a few minutes before they all smile.

“I’m sorry I ruined your wedding,” Molly tells Charlotte.

“I’m sorry I made you lie to everyone and carry my baby,” Charlotte replies with a shrug. “I’d hug you, but you still smell like meat.”

Molly nods, leaning her head on my shoulder as I shake her puke off my shoes.

Charlotte, Molly and Liz turn their heads towards Ava and wait for her to apologize.

“I’m sorry I’ve had to put up with you two slutty cock-knobs my entire life.”

Liz sighs and Ava rolls her eyes.

“Fine! You know I hate all this touchy-feely shit,” she grumbles. “I love you fuckers. I’m sorry I couldn’t be less of an asshole than you two and it took this shit to bring us together.”

Satisfied with the apologies and the love in the room, Liz drops her arms from around Ava and Charlotte, motioning towards the back of the room.

“It’s T-Time, assholes. I need a drink.”

Everyone cheers and they all follow Liz as she leads them to the bar, leaving Molly and I alone.

I wrap my arms around Molly and hold her tight as we watch Gavin and Charlotte bring up the rear holding hands, staring at each other lovingly despite the crazy train their wedding turned in to.

“I love you and I really like your family, but we’re eloping when we get married,” I tell Molly.

“Oh, there is no fucking way we’re inviting any of these lunatics,” she agrees, wrapping her arms around my waist as we make our way across the room to continue celebrating with all the crazies.