Текст книги "Baking and Babies"
Автор книги: Tara Sivec
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Текущая страница: 13 (всего у книги 15 страниц)
“Hey, it’s okay! Don’t cry,” I beg. “How about a box of cereal? Or some grapes. Grapes are really yummy!”
Valerie isn’t buying it and she crosses her arms in front of her angrily.
“Chocolate! I poop and I get chocolate, mommy says so!” she yells.
Shit, rule number three, just remember rule number three.
I smile and nod, exaggerating my enthusiasm. “I know! You’re such a big girl for shitting all by yourself. I mean, dropped a deuce. No, that’s bad too. You pooped! Yaaaay you pooped on the potty!”
Valerie isn’t amused even when I wave my hands in the air above my head.
“How about I let you beat up some hookers, rob a bank, and shoot up a strip club?” I ask with a sigh, dropping my hands into my lap.
Her eyes light up and she starts bouncing up and down on the couch again.
“I wanna drive the black car and run people over, and can I stab someone wif a knife? I like it when the blood squirts all over and they fall down!”
Shaking my head, I hand over the controller and un-pause the game.
“Have at it, kid. Just remember—”
“Grand Feft Auto isn’t real life,” she cuts me off in a robotic voice, her eyes never leaving the TV.
Look how easy it was to teach a four-year-old something new? Maybe I will make a good father someday. Hopefully Molly will agree.
Chapter 22
– Pumpkin Roll Punany –
Molly
“See? That’s where you went wrong. You have to separate the eggs first and only use the egg whites. You’re such an amateur,” Uncle Drew complains, shaking his head at Tyler as I walk by them.
“Hey, Molly! You’re, like, a cook and shit, right? You can answer this question for us,” Tyler says, grabbing my arm to stop me from walking right on by them and pretending like I don’t know them.
“I’m actually a classically trained French Pastry Chef,” I remind him.
They both stare at me in confusion and I sigh.
“Yes, I cook and shit.”
Tyler smiles and Uncle Drew lifts his beer bottle and gives me a wink.
“Egg yolks or egg whites? Which is better?” Uncle Drew asks.
“Um, it depends what you’re making,” I reply, shocked and a bit happy that these guys recognize and understand my passion and career expertise. “If you’re talking about making whip cream, you never used the yolks, but if you’re making, say a nice béarnaise you would-”
Uncle Drew puts his hand on my arm and snorts. “Imma let you finish but…”
“But, we’re talking about which works better as a substitute for sex latex, obviously,” Tyler finishes for him with his own snort and eye roll.
“Please tell my idiot son that only egg whites harden when brushed on the nipples so you can gently peel it off,” Uncle Drew states, turning away from me to glare at Tyler. “I even dog-eared that chapter in the porn book for you AND highlighted it.”
Tyler throws his hands up in the air in annoyance. “Do you know how long I had to sleep on the couch after mixing up Pumpkin Roll Punany and Baking Bread and Butt Bumps? That book you gave me had half the pages stuck together and I fucked everything up. It turns out, spanking a woman with a pumpkin roll is very messy and mixing fresh bread ingredients in a vagina really DOES cause a yeast infection.”
I close my eyes and wonder why I ever thought our family could have a nice, dignified evening out in public for once as Uncle Drew and Tyler continue arguing back and forth. Not even the beautiful, fancy atmosphere of one of the nicest restaurants in town could make these people behave.
My eyes slowly open when I feel a pair of warm lips press to the side of my neck. I smile even though my uncle and Tyler are still arguing, but now it’s over who can successfully use the word nipples in every sentence in regards to dinner.
“My nipples get hard just thinking about the chicken parm they’re serving.”
“I can see cousin Rachel’s nipples through her white shirt.”
“OVERRULED!”
“On what grounds?!”
“Incest is only legal in porn and erotic fiction!”
“Fine. Sustained, but I’ll need to see you in my chambers.”
I turn away from the idiots in front of me and wrap my arms around the waist of the smart, beautiful man behind me.
“Do I even want to ask?” Marco laughs, running one of his hands up and down my arm.
“Not unless you want to lower your I.Q. by about a hundred points.”
Pushing up on my toes, I give him a quick kiss, pulling back to smile. “Thank you for coming to the rehearsal dinner tonight.”
His hand continues moving up my bare arm and over my shoulder, wrapping its warmth softly around my neck so he can slide his thumb back and forth over my cheek.
“Free booze and a five course meal? Like I’d say no to that!” He laughs. “Or a chance to see your sexy ass in a hot dress again.”
I let Ava dress me again for Gavin and Charlotte’s rehearsal dinner since the last time she did, Marco couldn’t keep his hands off me. Tonight, she stuffed me into a skin-tight red halter dress that I have to say, makes my boobs look amazing.
“Marco! Just the man I want to see,” Tyler yells from behind me as Marco keeps his hand in place on my neck and takes a sip of his drink with the other.
“You look like the type of guy that’s used Seduction and Sugar on a few women before. What’s your take on the Tiramisu and Titty Twister chapter?” Uncle Drew asks.
Marco’s drink goes down the wrong pipe and he immediately starts choking and coughing. I quickly move to his side to pat his back, giving my uncle a dirty look.
“Seriously, Uncle Drew? I think Marco has a bit more class than that.”
Marco starts coughing harder, and I take the drink from his hand as he bends at the waist and puts his hands on his knees. Uncle Drew and Tyler finally walk away, muttering something about how no one appreciates good porn anymore.
After a few minutes of rubbing my hand soothingly against Marco’s back, he finally stands up and takes a deep breath.
“I should have know those two would consider that stupid book their bible,” I laugh. “Are okay?”
Marco takes his drink glass from my hand and sets it on a nearby empty table, turning back to grab both of my hands.
“I need to tell you something,” he whispers.
“My family is full of idiots?” I ask with a laugh. “I’m aware.”
“I’m an idiot too. A really, really big idiot. I need to—”
Glancing over Marco’s shoulder, I see Charlotte finally alone, standing in the corner of the room on the other side of the restaurant and I hold my hand up distractedly.
“Sorry, can you hold that thought?” I ask, my eyes glued to Charlotte as she checks something on her phone. “Charlotte is finally alone and I need to talk to her really quick.”
Marco looks a little frustrated that I interrupted him, and I immediately feel bad. I thought he was going to tell me something stupid my dad and Uncle Carter said to him since he’d been busy talking to them over by the bar before he came over here, but maybe I was wrong.
“Never mind, I’ll talk to her later.”
He shakes his head and gives me a quick kiss on the cheek. “No, it’s fine. It can wait. Does this have anything to do with the private little conversation I saw you and Gavin having a little bit ago?”
It has everything to do with that talk my soon-to-be brother-in-law had and if I’m lucky, we can finally be finished with this stupid charade once and for all.
“That it does,” I tell him with a smile. “Brace yourself, Marco. If all goes well, I should be un-knocked up by the third course.”
He quickly gets down on one knee, grabs my hips, and presses his lips to my stomach.
“What the hell are you doing?” I whisper loudly, looking around in embarrassment when a bunch of people start staring.
“If this whole thing is coming to an end, I feel like I should go out with a bang,” he explains. “Really put everything I’ve got into this role to make it memorable. Besides, I’ve gotten to know this little fake fetus the last few weeks. We’ve bonded. I’m going to be sad to see the little bugger go.”
I clutch onto the shoulders of his dress shirt and try pulling him up from the ground, but he’s not budging.
“No matter what you hear tonight, Cletus the Fetus, Daddy loves you,” he speaks softly to my stomach. “We’ve had some good times, we’ve had some bad times, and we’ve had some times where you’ve needed to cover your little fake fetus ears because your mommy is a screamer.”
I smack his arm, shooting a nervous smile to all the people watching us with sappy looks on their faces.
“Oh, my God, get up!” I whisper through my embarrassed smile.
“I know, Cletus the Fetus, Mommy confuses me too. Oh, my God is usually followed by ‘Go down!’ when she screams it,” Marco tells my stomach.
“If you don’t get up right now, I will tell everyone your soufflé couldn’t get it up,” I growl.
He quickly stands and gives me a shocked look. “You wouldn’t? It was ONE time and you said it happens to everyone!”
With a laugh, I grab his tie and yank him down to my lips, pressing my mouth to his. When the people standing closest to us start to clap and cheer, I pull my lips from his before I get too carried away.
“Save me a seat, I’ll be back in a few,” I tell him, smoothing his tie down before heading in Charlotte’s direction.
“I’ll miss you Cletus! Remember me fondly,” Marco calls after me.
I ignore him and charge through the crowd, standing quietly behind Charlotte while she’s still staring at something on her phone. I lean over her shoulder and immediately regret it when I see she’s watching some sort of horror movie, the screen filled with what looks like bloody roast beef falling out of a wound in someone’s body that has blood and guts and internal organs spilling out of it.
“What the fuck are you watching?”
Charlotte screams, dropping her phone as she whirls around to face me.
“Dammit, Molly! I thought you’d finally gotten tired of sneaking up on people. It’s like you get some sort of sick thrill out of making people scream,” Charlotte complains with a sigh, bending down to grab her phone.
“It’s true, I do. I keep your screams in a jar in my closet next to the severed heads,” I explain with a shrug. “Want to tell me why you’re watching the world’s most disgusting horror movie right before dinner?”
“It wasn’t a horror movie, it was a Youtube video of a live birth,” she tells me, setting her phone on the table next to her.
“That was a vagina?” I ask in shock. “I knew they were pretty resilient, but how the hell do they come back from something like that? It looked like it went through a meat grinder. Your vagina is going to look like a raw hamburger patty covered in ketchup and thrown at a wall.”
She glares at me, her hands on her hips and her foot tapping against the floor. “Thanks a lot. Like I’m not freaked out enough as it is.”
I pat her shoulder comfortingly. “Well, you’ll be happy to know I have one less thing for you to be worried about. I had a nice little chat with Gavin earlier. He wanted to apologize for being a dick and so angry when he walked in on us in the bathroom that day and also for avoiding me since then.”
Charlotte’s eyes widen in fear and her hands drop to her sides. “Did you tell him? What the fuck did you say to him?!”
“Calm the fuck down, burger vag,” I sigh. “I didn’t tell him anything, but you definitely will before this night is over. It turns out, Gavin wasn’t angry, he was jealous. Because he’s decided he wants kids and he’s afraid to tell you since you guys both agreed not to have them. So, now you can tell him tonight and not have anything at all to worry about tomorrow.”
I smile happily, waiting for her to tell me how amazing I am and how it’s all thanks to me that she can marry the love of her life without having any secrets between them.
“Are you insane?!” She screeches. “I can’t tell him now, at our rehearsal dinner! He’ll want to tell everyone and then mom and dad will know and it will start a huge argument and this perfect night will be ruined!”
“Did you even hear what I said?” I yell back. “Your fiancé wants kids. You can finally stop telling him you have the flu and that your ass isn’t the size of Texas now because of stress-eating. This is a good thing, dumbass!”
She huffs, snatching her phone from the table as the owner of the restaurant announces for everyone to take their seats so they can begin serving the first course.
“You bitches want to tone it down a little? People are starting to stare,” Ava tells us as she walks up next to us.
“I’ll tone it down when meaty vagina here tells Gavin the truth,” I announce petulantly.
Charlotte grimaces and Ava sighs.
“I’m just going to pretend I understand the meaty vagina reference before Charlotte pukes on my shoes. I thought we were waiting until after the wedding?” Ava asks.
“We ARE,” Charlotte growls. “I don’t want anything to ruin tonight or tomorrow. What’s the big deal, anyway?”
“The big deal is that I just told you your fiancé wants kids and all you care about is having a perfect wedding!” I argue.
“Wait, Gavin wants kids?” Ava asks in shock.
“Not only does he want kids, he’s been jealous of my fake pregnancy this entire time and is freaking out about telling Charlotte he’s changed his mind,” I inform her.
The pissed off and annoyed look on Charlotte’s face immediately disappears and she smiles brightly at something behind me.
“We saw you guys having a little argument. Don’t mind us, just carry on,” Dicky Daren tells us as he aims the camera in our direction.
Charlotte laughs nervously. “Oh, no, we’re not arguing! We’re…ummmm, excited. Molly just told us she felt the baby kick!”
The camera flies in my direction and I can hear it clicking and whirring as it zooms in on my stomach.
“Right, Molly? You felt the baby kick because that would be sweet and awesome and wouldn’t cause anyone like Mom and Mad to scream and fight and ruin this entire night, right?” Charlotte asks, her eyes wide and pleading with me as she presses her hands to my stomach.
“You are such an asshole,” Ava mutters to Charlotte, as the camera pans to Ava’s face. “I mean, an asshole for getting to feel that little spawn kicking before me!”
Ava’s hands also fly to my stomach and all three of us look into the camera with fake smiles while I silently curse Charlotte.
“Yaaaaay, it kicked,” I cheer in a monotone voice with fake enthusiasm.
Someone clangs their silverware against a glass across the room and Dicky Daren finally finds something more interesting to record as he walks away from us.
All three of us let out a sigh when we’re alone again.
“I’m sorry,” Charlotte whispers. “I just don’t want anything to mess this up. Please, Molly, just until after the wedding. I know I’m being selfish and I know you hate me, but this is the only wedding I’ll ever have and I want it to be perfect.”
With an annoyed growl, I point my finger at Charlotte’s face. “You better hope this is your only wedding because if there’s a second one, I will fuck that shit up.”
Charlotte squeals, throwing her arms around me to squeeze me so tight I can’t breathe. “You are the best sister in the whole world!”
Ava clears her throat. “Um, hello? What about me?”
Charlotte finally releases me and scowls at her. “You sent me that birthing video and told me it was a cute kitten compilation.”
“Well, it was about pussies, so technically I didn’t lie. I just forgot to mention it was about pussies that look like a serial killer got ahold of them,” Ava shrugs.
Leaving them to bicker, I turn and make my way to the table where Marco is sitting. He sees me coming and pulls my chair out for me, resting his arm on the back when I sit down.
“Everything go okay?” he asks softly as the servers come out of the kitchen and start putting plates in front of everyone.
“Super,” I tell him with a bright smile. “You’ll be happy to know Cletus kicked for the first time. It was a joyous event.”
Marco slides a glass of orange juice across the table to me and gives me a sympathetic smile.
“Yum, more mommy juice,” I grumble, bringing the glass to my lips and taking a huge swallow.
My throat burns and my eyes water as soon as the liquid slides down my throat and I slam my fist against my chest as I cough.
“I guess I shouldn’t have asked the bartender to put enough vodka in there to choke a horse,” Marco whispers in my ear as he pats my back. “Fetal Alcohol Syndrome for our baby it is!”
I get my coughing under control and manage a small laugh. “Thanks for sneaking me a drink. I’m going to need about ten more to get through this night.”
Clinking my glass against Marco’s beer bottle, I hold it up for a toast.
“Here’s to one more night with our little bundle of joy. May our baby have your good looks and my charming personality, minus the swearing and underage drinking.”
A server’s arm that was sliding between us suddenly drops the plate of food right into Marco’s lap.
“YOU’RE having a baby?!”
Marco’s chair flies backwards as he pushes his feet against the floor to quickly remove the boiling hot shrimp scampi appetizer from his crotch, and I turn around to look at the woman who just yelled and dropped the plate.
I practically motorboat the woman standing between us since her giant fake boobs that are popping out of her shirt are right at my eye level.
“Megan, I didn’t know you worked here,” Marco says with an uncomfortable laugh while he swipes away the food with his cloth napkin. “It’s been a while. How’ve you been?”
I look back and forth between Tits McGee and Marco, wondering how they know each other, hoping they’re neighbors or cousins. Please, God, let them be related.
“Did I really hear you say you’re having a baby? I think I’m going to be sick,” Bimbo Barbie says with a grimace, tossing her perfect blonde hair over one shoulder.
“Um, Molly, this is Megan Levine. Megan, this is my girlfriend, Molly,” Marco says without looking up, suddenly very interested in getting the stains out of the crotch of his pants.
She doesn’t even glance in my direction, and if I didn’t already hate her because of her fake tits, big hair, tiny waist and all around perfect body, I sure as shit would now. She looks right over my head like I’m not even sitting here.
“It must take a lot of skill to say the word girlfriend without laughing,” she says with a smile that is definitely not friendly. “Looks like nothing has changed and you’re still sleeping your way through another stupid porn cookbook. If you decide to include another story about me in this one, at least get the facts straight. The Chocolate Sauce Suckfest was my idea, and I’m the one who told you to use milk chocolate instead of semi sweet. The least you could do is put my name in the acknowledgements.”
So, not a cousin, unless it’s recently become acceptable to blow your relative.
I try really hard to say something awesome and sarcastic to make her feel like an asshole, but I’m too busy wondering why Marco would ever want someone like me when he had someone like her. Also, what in the holy fuck is she talking about? Porn cookbook? Acknowledgements? Is everyone a fan of that stupid Seduction and Sugar book but me?
“Oh, how cute,” Megan purrs. “I think your girlfriend is in shock. You might want to do something about that, Alfanso. Or is it Marco? I can never remember which is the right one.”
What in the actual fuck of all fucks is happening right now? Am I on drugs? Is she on drugs? Is the documentary they’ve been filming really some kind of hidden camera show where they play jokes on people? Maybe it’s an episode of Intervention and mom was right. Vodka really is a gateway drug to meth and I became an addict without even knowing it.
I need to say something since it appears as if Marco has become mute. Tell her to go fuck herself. Tell her to take her porn star tits and go back to the stripper pole where she belongs. Tell her she’s a liar and snotty bitch.
Wait, did she say Alfanso?
“I puked when I gave him a blowjob,” I mutter.
“Blowjob puking?” Uncle Drew pipes up from across the table. “There’s porn for that. It’s a little disturbing, but surprisingly good quality. Hold on, I have it bookmarked.”
Uncle Drew pulls out his phone, and I stare at Marco, waiting for him to explain what the hell is going on before I lose my mind.
“Ava almost did that once, but she made it to the toilet right after she swallowed,” Tyler muses. “That’s why my pet name for her is Cum-Bubble. She had this adorable little bubble of snot and jizz in one nostril. I think I still have the picture somewhere on my phone.”
Why isn’t Marco saying anything?
“Holy shit! Are you Alfanso D.?!” Tyler suddenly shouts across the table in excitement, staring wide-eyed at Marco. “Dude, Chocolate Sauce Suckfest changed my life!”
He elbows Uncle Drew.
“Hold on, I almost found it. I saved it after the link for grandma banging and before the one for midget anal,” Uncle Drew mutters, finally looking up from his phone when Tyler keeps nudging him.
“Dad, we’ve been in the company of porn royalty this entire time and didn’t even know it,” Tyler says in awe.
“I’m not a partial-virgin anymore,” I mumble stupidly.
“Oh, I KNOW I’ve got virgin porn on here. You’re gonna need to be more specific about the partial thing, though,” Uncle Drew says, going back to his phone.
“Molly, I can explain,” Marco whispers, finally deciding to speak.
“Oh, this should be good,” Blondie mutters with a sarcastic laugh.
I finally clear my head enough to notice the guilty look on Marco’s face, and I realize he hasn’t said one word about how this bitch is lying or confused or a homeless meth addict posing as a server.
“How about you just fuck right off, Giant Jugs?” I growl, my eyes narrowing at the slut who refuses to walk away.
She gasps and then huffs, looking at Marco like she expects him to come to her defense. When he wisely keeps his mouth shut and his eyes stay glued to mine, she finally storms away, leaving a cloud of fruity perfume in her wake that makes me nauseous.
“Molly, please—”
“Was she telling the truth?” I ask, cutting him off.
I don’t know why I’m even asking since I can see it written all over his miserable face. I can’t decide if I want to cry or smack him.
Calmly pushing my chair back, I stand and toss my napkin on top of the table.
“I lied. It IS a big deal and it doesn’t happen to every guy!” I yell, channeling Rachel from Friends.
Marco gasps, but I’m too upset and heart broken and pissed to let the hurt look on his face get to me.
“Ooooh, got yourself a wilting wiener problem, huh?” Uncle Drew asks him with a sympathetic smile. “Don’t worry, I’ve got just the porn for that. Shit, where did I put the link to the toe fucking website…”
On that note, I turn and walk away from the table. I keep my head down as the tears start to fall when I realize Marco isn’t going to chase after me, a shout from Uncle Drew making this night even more sad and pathetic.
“Shit! I can’t believe someone erased my toe-fucking link. Dammit, Tom Brady!”
