Текст книги "Triangle: The Complete Series"

Автор книги: Susann Julieva

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reach, stares at me in complete shock. “James! What do you think you’re doing?”

With my heart beating madly from the adrenaline rush, I stare back for a long, sobering moment,

unaware of the sensation-hungry crowd around us watching. My gaze drops to Rizzo on the ground,

who’s got his hands pressed to his abdomen, blood dripping from his lower lip. Still he doesn’t seem to

be aware of it, he doesn’t seem to feel any pain at all as the tiniest trace of a smile curls his lips in some

kind of twisted satisfaction. There are no words to describe how much I hate him right now.

Without taking his eyes off me, Casey walks over to Rizzo and helps him back to his feet. What he is

feeling, thinking, I can’t tell. All I know is that I’ve never seen him this upset.

“Come on, let’s go,” he addresses Rizzo softly, but he’s still looking at me as he says it.

I can’t avert my eyes as Casey takes Rizzo’s hand and they turn around, disappear in the crowd,

headed for somewhere that isn’t really hard to guess. But I would know where, wouldn’t I? I chuckle at

the irony, but it turns into something sounding more like a suppressed sob. A small, painful, surreal

noise. I don’t think I can move. Ever again. I just want to die right now, on the spot. A lightning strike

might make for a good exit, but of course I’m not that lucky.

I’m suddenly aware of Anna standing beside me, but don’t notice that I’m trembling before she puts

an arm around me.

“Hey,” she says softer than I ever thought her capable of. “You know, sometimes people do stupid,

irrational things when they’re hurt. Things they don’t really mean.”

I nod, but don’t really listen to the words. Something wet hits me on the cheek. Then again on my

arm. My hand. My hair. It’s starting to rain. Within seconds, the raindrops come down fast and heavy,

and the crowd scatters screaming in front of us, seeking shelter. I don’t move. Neither does Anna. She

looks up and welcomes the rain pouring down on her face like a cold, refreshing shower. We both stand

still until we’re completely soaked. It’s cold, my clothes sticking to my body, but I can’t bring myself to

care. Finally Anna stirs beside me.

“Come on, Foley, let’s get you inside before you catch your death and they sue me,” she grins wryly

and starts to lead me back to the dorm. I follow like a zombie, feeling dead inside.

Chapter 13

Making Sense

CASEY: I wake up in my own bed, and the first thing I do today is let out a deep sigh. I’m not sure if

it’s a sigh of relief, or one of the other, sadder kinds. Maybe it’s a mixture of both. I sigh again, for good

measure. When did everything get so complicated, and why does nothing make sense anymore?

It’s a beautiful day. The air is clean, fresh and alive. I inhale deeply as I stare out the half-open

window. Lush, green meadows glistening with a million tiny drops of water in mild morning light, like

an ocean of pearls. We had one hell of a thunderstorm last night. In many ways, I guess. The image of

James hitting Danny comes to mind, and I try to shut it out. But I can’t forget the look on his face.

“What did you do?” I whispered, breaking the kiss as Danny and I stepped into his room.

“What?”

“To James. What did you do to James?”

He looked at me with an amused little smile, and pressed me against the door. That smile did things

to me I don’t even have words for. Then he kissed me again, and I couldn’t help moaning softly. Felt so

good. Felt so incredible. His tongue in my mouth, pure magic, sensual, slow. And my brain kept saying:

God, this is Rizzo. This is Danny Rizzo you’re kissing. In his room. But my brain hadn’t shut down

enough for me to forget what I wanted to know.

“Answer my question?”

“What makes you think I did something to him?” His grin broadened, his breath softly ghosting over

my face. He’s so beautiful, flawless, and doesn’t he know it. There was a sparkle in his eyes that made

me catch my breath. I think I was trembling slightly, not in the least bit prepared for what was

happening here. He kissed me again. Then his hand slid into my pants, and I let out a gasp.

“Oh god.” My fingers seemed to claw into his back on their own account. I had dreamed of this, I

had been dying for this, but this was incomparably better. The pleasure shot through my body like a

fever. I had never been touched like this before. And for him to be the one… I closed my eyes and

desperately leaned into his touch. He knew exactly what to do to make the pleasure unbearably

intense… Christ. I was turned on like never before in my life. Wide-eyed, only half able to believe what

was happening between us. I was panting softly, every inch of my body dying for the sensation. And

then he just pulled his hand away. I stared at him in surprise, only to find him laughing softly.

“Beg,” he said with that incredible voice.

“Danny…”

“Beg,” he repeated. “Beg for it.”

“Please…”

“Please what?”

I tried to kiss him, but he moved his head away, watching my reaction. I let out a frustrated moan.

“Please.”

“Say it. I want to hear it.”

I tugged him close by his T-shirt and whispered the words into his ear, words I had never thought I

would say to anyone. I felt dirty saying them, and it felt right. “Sleep with me. Please sleep with me,

Danny.”

He stared into my eyes, and for one moment I thought he was about to kiss me again. But he

hesitated. His dark eyes were fathomless. Then he stepped away. Still panting, I stared at him

unbelievingly. “What are you doing?”

He nonchalantly lit a cigarette, as though nothing had just happened between us. Nothing at all.

“Well, what does it look like?”

“But… I don’t understand,” I said quietly.

“I bet you don’t, Millsie.”

It was hard to calm down again. My pulse was still racing, my body dying for his touch. “What’s

going on?” I took a step closer. “I thought… you wanted it too.” My voice sounded small.

He snorted. “You’re breaking my heart.”

“What’s the matter with you? You find this amusing?”

“Actually, yeah, I do.” He laughed and looked at me with those beautiful eyes. Beautiful and, right

now, so very cold. There he was once more, Danny Rizzo, all cool and aloof, out of reach. I had no idea

what was going through his mind. He was impossible to read.

“Why did you bring me here if not to…”

“…screw you?” Rizzo finished my sentence, and there was a dangerous undertone in his voice.

“‘Cause that’s what I’m all about? That’s what you think.”

“No. God, no, it isn’t.”

“Then what am I all about, tell me.”

I shrugged helplessly. “I don’t know. I mean, you barely gave me a chance to get to know you so

far.”

He rolled his eyes.

“I would like to paint you,” I blurted out, and had no idea why I said that. God, I felt stupid. For

reasons unknown, he wasn’t flattered. No, instead he was looking rather annoyed with me.

“How can you be such a wuss, Mills? I mean, if you were at least a bit of competition. But this?” He

gestured at me. “Geez.”

My head was spinning. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, but that wasn’t very nice.”

He laughed, but there was something in his eyes, like some kind of hurt shimmering through from

deep down. “Well, hell. I’m not nice, Mills.” He exhaled smoke through his nostrils. “I’m anything

but.”

“That’s what you like to think,” I replied stubbornly.

His dark eyes were resting on me with a mixture of amusement and disbelief. I just wanted to kiss

him again. I just… wanted. Whatever it was he was trying to tell me, I didn’t want to hear. His

expression changed to something distant and cold. Danny took a step closer, and there was something

threatening about it.

“You wanted to know what I did to James. But your question should be, what did I do to you?”

I stared at him, trying to make sense of his words. It was the look in his eyes, that merciless stare,

that finally made me understand. And the penny finally dropped. It hit me hard, hard like a kick in the

guts. The realization that he didn’t really want me was harsh, but at the same time, I wasn’t even that

surprised. “You played me, didn’t you?”

He tilted his head to the side and blew smoke into my face, waiting for me to say more.

“You got me to like you. You tricked me into thinking that you liked me too.”

“And why did I do that, Casey dearest?”

The feeling of hurt and humiliation was so intense that I didn’t think I could say another word. But I

did. “Is this about James?”

He smiled one of those killer smiles of his, but his eyes remained cold. “For god’s sake, Mills,

you’re slow. Now think again, and tell me why I brought you here.”

I don’t know where it came from, but the anger that came over me was so sudden and so

frighteningly deep. I took a step towards him, and now we were only inches apart. I was positively

seething. “You! You tried to drive us apart! You like James, that’s the reason behind it all!”

Danny was laughing. “Oh, this is too good. I wish I had a camera.”

That’s when my fist clenched and I took at swing at him, aiming for his face.

* * *

Well, I didn’t manage to hit him. He was too quick for that. But still, I feel horrible. Ashamed. I hate

violence. I don’t hit people. I never hit anyone in my life. And he looked like he was going to beat my

ass from here to eternity. Rizzo is taller than me and way better built. He could have beaten the crap out

of me. But he never did. So why didn’t he? If he hates me so much, why not take the opportunity? And

he must hate me, mustn’t he, to play me, to use me like that.

I can’t believe I fell for it. That I fell for him. That he managed to get under my skin, he even made

me question my sexual orientation. And now everything’s more confusing and complicated than ever.

James tried to warn me, but I didn’t listen. Everything is my fault. I don’t blame James anymore, not for

one second, for sleeping with Rizzo – if he even did. It hurt, but it didn’t hurt my feelings as much as it

should have. And that’s the odd part.

I roll out of bed, and rub my face with my hands as I step to the window. How could I let things get

so messed up? I am a horrible person. I guess there is only one explanation for why Rizzo did what he

did to me. He sees me as competition, isn’t that what he said? But wouldn’t that mean that he actually

believes that James likes me?

Oh shit.

That look on James’ face when he hit Rizzo last night. He told him to stay away from me. God. I

guess I really am kind of slow when it comes to these things. James may not be interested in Rizzo after

all. Whatever happened between them, that was Rizzo’s doing. I can see it now. Now that I know what

he’s capable of. And the only reason Rizzo ever told me that something had happened between them

was to get me to be mad at James. And I was. I was hurt. Because James, my James, would never do

anything like that to me.

James. My James. My wonderful, strange, amazing James. Whom I know so well, and who knows

me better than anyone. I get a warm feeling just thinking of him, and my heartbeat suddenly accelerates.

Is it true? Is James actually in love with me? Was that nagging suspicion I’ve had all this time right after

all? I can’t believe it. All this time, there was someone who truly cared about me, who was always there

for me. And I didn’t see.

I close my eyes, and think of our truth-or-dare kiss. And once more, I get goosebumps at the

thought. His lips so soft on mine. Careful and sweet, like you’d never think he would be. There’s a

yearning, a yearning to be near him. My heart beats even faster. Are my feelings for James perhaps

deeper than I was aware of? Now my pulse is positively racing, and I’m feeling all flushed.

Oh my god. How could I have been so blind? How could I not realize what he really means to me? I

love him for being my best friend, and I love him for being James. For all the things he is, and for all

the things he isn’t. I love him. And I am in love with him.

The sudden rush of excitement and happiness is overwhelming. My James. My wonderful James.

There’s no ignoring it anymore. Casey Mills, most clueless being of clueless beings, has seen the light.

And now I know what I have to do.

Chapter 14

After The Rain

JAMES: Ouch. Ow ow ow. Double ow. Mental note: Never ever drink booze again. Least of all with

Anna. I’m lying curled up in fetal position underneath the covers. Every inch and fiber of my body feels

sore. The world’s worst headache ever is pounding in my head. I carefully open my eyes and

immediately squeeze them shut again. Ow. Even the frail sunlight breaking through the scattering

clouds is murderous. There’s a foul taste in my mouth. All in all I pretty much feel like I’ve been

chewed, swallowed, choked on and spat out. No wonder. God knows I drank enough alcohol last night

to send even Godzilla into a happy little coma. But wait, I dimly remember hanging over the toilet and

puking my guts out at some point, which must have gotten most of that shit out of my system. Anna was

here, I remember now. She made sure I got rid of my wet clothes and got into bed right away. She

stayed for a while. I don’t remember when she left. Awkward.

For a long time I can’t bring myself to move, and when I finally sit up it takes all my willpower to

do so. Maybe a brutally icy shower will help me feel like something resembling a human being again,

and with much effort I decide to give it a shot.

***

I’m clad in nothing but a large, soft towel when I return to my room some fifteen minutes later. Cold

water is dripping from my hair, running down my back in small trickles. My mind is still in a bit of a

daze, and everything I do takes me about twice as long as usual. To sleep, perchance to dream… I have

only just sunk down on my bed again, trying to decide whether to get dressed or maybe curl up

underneath the covers again, when someone raps against my door. Anna?

“What?” I answer grumpily, and sigh deeply when the door opens and Rizzo steps inside. Sure. Who

else would it be but the one person on this planet I really, really don’t want to see?

A strange, small smile warms his features when he sees me sitting there like the picture of misery. I

notice a dark spot of scab in the corner of his mouth where I hit him. I hope it still hurts. Isn’t he going

to say anything?

He leans against the door, closing it softly with the weight of his body. Continues to look at me in

that strange, irritating way. He doesn’t look like he is mad at me, which is odd.

“You always this cute in the morning?” he finally grins.

Okay, three giant question-marks and a very unbelieving “huh?” here. “Why don’t you piss off and

get hit by a truck or something,” I reply weakly and raise my middle finger in an unmistakable gesture.

Rizzo chuckles. “Good. You’re still your old warmhearted, endearing self. I was worried for a

moment.”

I just roll my eyes in response. Slowly he comes over to me and sits down on the bed beside me. Bit

close for my taste. Our arms touch, and I would like to smack him if I could just find the energy.

For a long moment we sit in silence and he looks at my hands resting in my lap.

“There was nothing between Casey and me,” he finally breaks the awkward silence. “We just made

out a little.”

Okay, stop, rewind. I think I’m finally awake. He is kidding, right?

“You mean you didn’t…?” I ask tonelessly, still trying to process the information.

He makes a face, but laughs softly, and somehow it sounds relieved. Like he is the one who needs to

be relieved about it.

Wow. I don’t know what to say. Or what to think even. This is good news, right? “Geez.” I look at

Rizzo, frowning. Not sure if I should be happy… suspicious… amazed? “Why are you telling me this?”

The fathomless orbs are shockingly warm and serious when he looks at me. “Because I’m an idiot,”

he says quietly.

In that moment, I suddenly understand. It hits me with the subtlety of a freight train. I guess Rizzo

couldn’t do it. He couldn’t go through with it. And I’m the reason for that, am I not?

Jesus. I don’t even know what to think of it, but my heart starts to gallop in my chest. Screwed up.

This is really, incredibly, totally screwed up. I open my mouth to speak twice, but can’t find anything to

say.

“I do believe you are,” I finally say, a smile in my voice that I have no idea where it came from.

“Look, James…” He looks away. “What I did, I didn’t mean to…”

“Wait – Are you about to apologize?”

He gives me a look.

“‘Cause if you are, let me get a camcorder for this historical occasion.”

He crosses his arms in front of his chest, but there’s a smile tugging at his lips. There’s that sparkle

in his eyes again, that’s so very hard to resist. “James…” he just says then, and there is so much emotion

in that one little word, in the way he says my name, that there is really no need to continue.

He tried to tell me before, didn’t he? And I wouldn’t listen. All the time when I was sure that he was

playing some really messed up game with me, he was being honest. I’ve never seen him so selfconscious

before, so vulnerable. And I realize that this here is the real Danny Rizzo, this is the side of

him he hides from the world. And I wonder how on earth I of all people get to be the one to see.

“Oh damn…”

Our eyes lock, and for a perfect moment, there is complete understanding. I really don’t know why I

dismissed it before, this special warm light in his eyes when he looks at me that’s never there when he

looks at anyone else. The realization comes naturally, unspectacularly, that I probably never hated him.

My god. I just thought I did, because it was the obvious thing to do.

“You know what I really want, James? For you to get together with Mills and realize that he can’t

give you what you need.” There is an honest passion in his words.

“And what do I need, in your valued opinion?” Out of habit, my words are dripping with sarcasm.

Instead of answering the question, Rizzo takes my left arm by the wrist and lifts it from my lap.

Forcing me to look at the bizarre pattern of thin white lines on my forearm, old scars that cover my skin.

Defiantly I stare into his eyes as he speaks again, almost angrily.

“What do you tell him when he asks about these? Was it all an ‘accident’?”

I violently pull my arm out of his grip, my cheeks flushed from burning shame and humiliation. But

Rizzo is only just getting started.

“Did he ever ask? Did he? Do you think he even wants to know if you did this to yourself, or if

someone else did?” He shakes his head. “Damn, James. He doesn’t even know who you are.”

“But you do, right?” I ask bitterly, and unconsciously my hands turn to fists.

“I know enough to freak you out, don’t I?” His eyes are filled with challenge as he stares at me.

“Does it make you angry? Do you want to hit me again? Yeah? Come on! I’m right here.”

I am that close to doing it, to smashing my fist into his face. But when I lift my hand, to my own

surprise, I grab him and pull him close instead. Our lips meet fiercely and Rizzo gives a small moan of

pain and pleasure when a trace of salty blood comes from his small wound and mingles on our tongues.

I close my eyes, my heart is beating madly. He kisses me deeply, holds me firmly, not about to let me

go. And suddenly I want nothing more than for him to understand. And I know that I’ve reached a

turning point. I did my best and uttermost to hide them, my dark secrets, all my life. But in this moment,

I want him to know everything.

Rizzo seems to sense this somehow. Instead of gaining intensity, the kiss takes an unexpected turn,

slows down, becomes playful, and finally… soft. Tender. And it breaks my heart.

It’s Rizzo who finally breaks the kiss, and his fingers linger on my cheek for a moment as his

amazingly warm eyes search mine for a clue, anything to hold on to or work with. Then he gently leans

his forehead against mine.

“He’d never understand, not the way I do,” he says softly, thoughtfully, and I nod.

“I know.” But I still love Casey, Rizzo. I can’t change that. I want him, and need you, you were

right. You were right all along.

Rizzo almost smiles, as if he read my mind again. “God, I can’t believe you’re doing this to me.”

We both laugh softly, and I shrug helplessly. I can’t tear my eyes away from his beautiful face.

There’s a knock on the door and we both turn our heads. Wow. This is unexpected. It’s Casey. I

know it from the way he knocks, two times short, two long. Just one of the many secret codes we have.

“Come in,” I answer, and beside me Rizzo shifts uncomfortably, as if he wants to move away from

my side, but can’t.

When Casey steps into the room, his presence is like a breath of fresh air flooding in. He is wearing

dark, tight denim and a simple black T-shirt, and his short hair is tousled, the way I like it. His eyes

immediately focus on Rizzo, clear and alert.

“What are you doing here?” Casey asks with a cool authority that surprises me.

Rizzo shrugs nonchalantly and flashes a cheeky grin. “It’s a free country.”

“I asked you to leave us alone.” There is a dangerous edge to his calm voice, and he takes a step

closer to the bed.

Whoa, Casey! I stare at him, totally perplexed by the sudden confidence he seems to radiate. They

stare at each other. If looks could kill, I swear they would both drop dead any moment.

Finally, Rizzo raises his hands in a nonchalant gesture. “Whatever.” Glancing at me, he gets up,

gives me a little mischievous smile and a wink. “See you later, Jimmy.”

I can only nod, and watch as he saunters to the door, not without deliberately bumping against Casey

with his shoulder as he passes him on the way out. Casey cringes slightly, but doesn’t move an inch.

The door closes, and we are alone.

Chapter 15

Icarus

JAMES: Casey just stands there for a long moment in the middle of my room, looking at me. My head

lowered, I gaze up at him nervously, not knowing what to expect or think. If I had one wish right now, I

guess I’d simply turn back time and make sure to never hurt him. I never wanted that. But somewhere

along this crazy ride, I must have lost sight of what I wanted and what I didn’t.

I know I should finally apologize, or try to explain, but I can’t find anything to say. I just feel so

tired. And homesick. So very, very homesick for that warm place of perfect love and happiness I’ve

never known. Where I can be me and feel good about it. Where I can be me and be loved for it. I know

that it’s Rizzo’s kiss that brought this about, and that confuses me more than anything. Somebody

should say something.

“Can we talk?” Casey finally asks.

“I was worried you wouldn’t even talk to me anymore.”

“Don’t be silly, James. You’re the only one worth talking to.”

That was unexpected. If I’m the only one worth talking to, surely things can’t be as bad as I thought,

right? Shit, I can almost feel my eyes starting to shine hopefully. I don’t want to be hopeful. When the

hell has being hopeful ever done me any good?

There is actually a trace of a smile on his lips. He comes over to me, his eyes fixed on my face.

Casey looks at me in a strange, thoughtful way, and his gaze seems to go deeper, beneath my skin.

Almost as if he sees me for the very first time, really sees me. I get goosebumps.

“Damn. There was so much I wanted to say to you, a million things,” he half-smiles and sighs softly,

sweetly amused. “But now I can’t remember a thing.”

A brief smile flashes across my lips. I’m mesmerized by that look in Casey’s eyes, by that warm,

caring glow. Casey watches me intently, as if trying to interpret every little move I make, every trace of

a smile, every tiny frown.

“But anyway.” Casey pauses, and comes a little closer still. He chews on his lower lip for a moment

before he continues to speak, very softly. “Look, James, I guess it doesn’t matter what each of us did, or

how we hurt each other. All that matters to me is that I don’t want to lose you.”

I swallow audibly, and a shiver runs down my spine.

“I’m so sorry,” he says, and his eyes are carefully hopeful as he waits for my reaction.

“Sorry,” I repeat tonelessly. “You are sorry?”

He nods. “I am.”

“You do realize that it was me who messed up, right?”

“Well, you probably did, a little. But I don’t blame you. And I certainly screwed up too. I know what

he’s like now, Rizzo. But who cares about him anyway, right?” he smiles.

“Don’t you?”

“I don’t give a rat’s ass, to be frank.”

And I can’t help but laugh.

Casey takes another step closer, and this is definitely too close for friends to be standing. My heart is

beating like crazy. He chuckles softly. “Oh, James. Don’t tell me you still don’t understand.”

I just stand there like an idiot, arms hanging at my sides, staring at him. Then I blink slowly. “But…”

“Don’t talk now.”

So we just stand there and look at each other, and his eyes are shining like the stars. I’m so

overwhelmed I have a lump in my throat.

“I know it took me forever to realize, and I hope it’s not too late,” he whispers. “But I’m in love with

you, James. Is that okay?”

“Okay?” I just gape at him, and start to laugh. “Are you out of your mind?”

I pull him so close I am sure it has got to hurt. He clings to me, his fingers warm on my naked back.

He caresses my hair as I lean my head against his face, searching for the words to say that I feel the

same for him, but somehow I am unable to speak. Casey’s scent fills my nostrils and I inhale deeply.

His body is warm and solid against mine… At last. Gently his fingers run along my cheek, and I have

goosebumps all over. Casey leans back a little to look into my eyes. He makes a tiny, shy motion

towards my mouth with his head, and I can hear him breathing softly. I feel like I’m about to die any

moment now as I bend my head slightly to meet him. Our breath mingles, tenderly plays on our faces as

we both lean in. And then our lips touch and we pull each other close into a long, deep kiss.

***

Casey’s skin is velvet, smooth like silk against mine when I hold him afterwards, his even, rhythmical

breaths warm on the curve of my neck. I didn’t think it would be him taking the initiative, but when he

loosened the towel on my hips and dropped it to the ground, there was no stopping anymore. And

everything was unbelievably intense. He’s lying half on my side, his left leg entangled with mine, his

hand resting on my stomach. It feels like with this small gesture, he is claiming me as his. It makes me

feel proud, and in a way… whole.

While all my thoughts seemed to be suppressed before by strong emotions, they are now singing a

chaotic, unordered symphony in my head. But I don’t really mind. I am content, and satisfied, and

absurdly happy. Guessing from the little smile on Casey’s face, so is he.

Softly I kiss his forehead and Casey lifts his chin off my chest and smiles at me with warm,

thoughtful eyes. He kisses my lips with so much emotion. God, he tastes so good, I could just eat him

up. Pensively he runs his fingers along my chest, then down my right arm. His gentle fingertips linger

on a small, round scar the shape of a cigarette tip. Casey lifts his gaze and our eyes meet. He doesn’t ask

about it. He never asks. He just looks at me in that certain way, waiting for me to tell. And maybe

someday I will. Maybe someday I’ll be ready. But not today, not now. Right now I don’t want to think

about any of that shit. I’m still scared that once Casey gets to see all of me, the real me, he won’t be able

to cope.

I kiss a trail along Casey’s collarbone, and his fingers playfully dig into my hair. I love him. I know I

do. But how can it be that I still feel so inadequate? Like I am just not good enough to be with such a

wonderful, caring person? I could chain him to the bed and tattoo my name across his skin, and I’d still

not be able to believe that he is mine.

As I begin to caress his chest with playful licks and kisses, his intense eyes cloud with lust. As I

work my way downwards, he still won’t let himself be so overwhelmed by desire to break eye-contact.

And I get so jealous of the man I’ll never be. Because when Casey looks at me like that, like I’m his

every fantasy come true, I know I don’t deserve to be held up so high. I don’t get how I can be so

incredibly happy, and at the same time… almost sad. Maybe all that crap going through my mind is

simply me being so surprised when it all happened so fast and I didn’t expect it in the least. Maybe it is

too much all at once, maybe I’m not ready. Maybe you just feel that way when a dream comes true,

even more so when you don’t believe in dreams to begin with. Or maybe Rizzo is right after all. It takes

faith, I know that now. More than anything it takes faith to love and be loved. And I never had any faith

in faith before. But I’ll be damned if I don’t even try.

Chapter 16

Supposed To Be

CASEY: This is how it’s supposed to be, I feel this way every time I wake up beside James. I

practically live at his dorm now. Which isn’t as easy as I thought, since I’m a bit of a slob and he is

fanatical about keeping order. I once moved all his pencils an inch to the right while he was out of the

room. I kid you not, it was the first thing he noticed when he came back in.

“I know, I know, I’m Adrian Monk,” he said with a grin, apologetically.

“You’re not. Although I always thought Monk was kinda cool.”

“Yeah, but I’m not cool. It’s just the way I was brought up.”

He seemed really uncomfortable talking about it, so I let it go. But he doesn’t realize that I love him

for those things. I always have. It just feels different now. Maybe because he is mine, with all the weird

little habits of his. And I love those weird little habits.

I sat up one morning, got out my pencil and paper, and drew him while he was fast asleep. I don’t

know why, but he looked so lonely. I was able to capture that look. It turned out really well, but I never

showed that drawing to him. He wouldn’t have liked to be seen like that.

***

“I guess I win,” I say quietly, without triumph, just matter of fact, as Rizzo casually sits down beside

me on the front steps to the art department.

He doesn’t look at me, but smiles with that unmistakable edge that even a movie star couldn’t easily

copy. “We’ll see.”

“I wish you would just leave it be. But you never will, will you?”