Текст книги "Triangle: The Complete Series"

Автор книги: Susann Julieva

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skin starts to prickle and something inside starts to flutter like a flock of birds taking to the wind.

He sits down beside me and I can almost feel him smiling as he looks at my face. He rips out a blade

of grass and playfully brushes the soft tip across my nose. It tickles, and I can’t help grinning, but I still

don’t open my eyes. Maybe if I keep them closed I can pretend that things are different between us.

That he knows what I feel for him, and doesn’t mind. Casey traces my eyes, my eyebrows, runs it along

my cheek like a paintbrush. He stops for a moment before he traces my lips, very slowly. I hold my

breath. My heart is beating madly when I open my eyes. There is something thoughtful, tender in the

brilliant blue orbs that look down at me. This sense of closeness between us. Closeness and trust.

“Gotcha.” Casey smiles. “Don’t think you can hide from me, James Foley.”

“Far be it from me to even try.”

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” There’s a trace of reproach in the words the way he says

them, making me smile. It gives me warm feelings how he enjoys my company. That he misses me

when I’m not there. Hell, that he even notices is more than enough to give me sweet dreams for weeks.

“Yeah? Why?”

“Well…” Casey flops down beside me. “Because.”

“Okay then. If that’s so, all is clear to me.”

He turns his head to look at me with a charming smile. “You missed study group. Anna gave us quite

the lecture about how it doesn’t make sense to form a study group when nobody shows up.” He winks at

me. “Personally, I think she was just mad because without you being there, she actually had to do some

thinking for herself.”

I chuckle. He’s probably right. What can I say, I’m brilliant. I’m that pathetic smart kid that used to

get pushed around at school, until they realized that it was handy cribbing from someone who knew

what he was doing. But I’m not someone you can push around without having to pay eventually. In this

case, literally. I let them copy my homework, then blackmailed them for it. By senior year it had turned

into a profitable way to increase my non-existent allowance. I have a long history of making deals with

devils that has secured me a ticket to hell very early on. I never believed in salvation. But there’s

something about Casey that makes me want to be a better person. You look at him, you know: Here is

someone true. He has miraculously kept a trace of innocence, like only someone with a happy

childhood, a happy home can do. It makes me want to protect him. And it makes me scared that the

callous bastard in me might rub off on him somehow.

“James?” Casey asks softly.

“Yeah?”

“You know when you said that you thought Danny wouldn’t be good for me?”

I nod, hating to be reminded of Rizzo when I had just successfully banished him from my mind.

“The other day… Oh, I don’t know.” He trails off and stares up to the curtain of branches that hides

us from the world.

“The other day what?”

He sighs a little. “It’s weird. Sometimes I don’t feel like myself when I’m around him.” Lost in

thought, he chews on the blade of grass. It’s nodding in front of his face like a whip. I watch it

unblinkingly. “Go on.”

He glances at me. “It’s hard to describe. It’s like I change somehow. And I’m not sure I like what I

become.”

Oh my gosh. And eureka, and all that. Has he finally realized how manipulative that son of a bitch

can be?

He smiles to himself with a trace of melancholy. “There was this girl in junior high. Amy Lee

Wellman. She was my first big crush, you know.”

“Really? I thought Amber was.”

“No. No, she wasn’t.” He looks into the distance as if he can see his past there.

“Amy was… she was amazing. She was smart, and popular, and god, so beautiful. Everyone was a

little in love with her. I wanted to marry her.” He chuckles softly. “But I never worked up the nerve to

approach her.” He looks at me. “I wish I would have, you know. Sometimes I still wonder what would

have happened.”

“That was a long time ago, Case.”

“Yeah. I’m pretty sad, huh? Point is, I don’t want to make the same mistake again. What I feel for

him is… I just really want him to like me. I want to know.”

“To know what?”

“What it feels like. To be with someone who is so… To be with someone like him.”

I sit up abruptly, a dark frown on my face. “I’ll tell you what it feels like. People like that, they make

you feel like you’re not good enough. You try to please someone, it makes you feel like shit. It makes

you feel worthless.”

He looks at me with a confused smile. “Woah, hold on! Why are you so upset?”

“I’m not upset, I’m pissed off. Can’t you see what he’s like? What they are like? Damn it, Casey.

Why would you want to be with someone that superficial?”

“How can you be so sure that he is?”

“How can you be so sure that he isn’t?”

We stare at each other heatedly, and realize what we’re doing. I look away. “Look, I’m sorry. I just

don’t want for you to get hurt.”

His eyes soften. “Yeah, I know.”

An uncomfortable moment of silence passes. I can see him getting lost in his thoughts, and I have no

idea what’s on his mind.

“Have you ever thought about what it is you look for in a relationship?” he finally asks pensively.

I shrug. “Not really.”

“I mean, it’s easy to come up with a list of qualities you want your respective other to have. But

that’s not the same thing.”

“So what are you looking for?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe… someone who can see me. Who can see who I really am. And it’d have to be

someone kind.”

Right. Because Rizzo is kind, gentle Mary, Mother of God. I mean, seriously, the hell?

“And you?”

“I don’t have a lot of expectations, really.”

“That’s kinda sad.”

“I like to call it realistic.”

Casey smiles to himself, and slowly sits up. “You’re kinder than you know, James. You’re kind to

me.”

Kind. The word hovers in the air, can’t sink in, can’t connect with me. I don’t know what to think of

it, what to do. Do I dare hope…?

He pats my shoulder. “And you’re a great friend.”

Friend. Right. I’m inwardly screaming: For god’s sake, turn your head, look at me! I’m right here,

right beside you. Mere inches away. I’m someone, too. I see you. I don’t want to be your friend. I want

to be everything to you.

I keep a straight face and force myself to smile at him. “Why thanks.”

“De rien.” Casey looks over the green meadows, down to campus. “Before I forget, I’m going home

for the weekend. It’s my dad’s birthday this Saturday.”

The intimacy of the moment is broken, flies open wide like a web and gets blown away by the

breeze.

“Okay. Tell him happy birthday for me.”

“Will do.” He carelessly throws the blade of grass away. “Listen, I’d better get going. I gotta pack

some stuff for tomorrow. See you later?”

“Sure.”

I watch as he climbs to his feet and slowly descends the hill. Watch until he becomes one tiny spot

among all the other tiny spots in the distance. So much for hoping against hope. Unfortunately, the thing

with hope is that you can’t just switch it on or off. It’s not something you can decide to have. It decides

to have you.

We fall so easily for what we’d like to be. Catholics have their saints to admire. They made them up

to build a stairway to heaven, so that those who believed hard enough knew that it was possible to

reach. But all it did was show them how great the distance really was. I may not know much about

kindness, and even less about transcendence. But this I know for certain: The concept of all things

unreachable is not to ever reach them, but to aspire to.

Chapter 10

Reciprocity

CASEY: It’s eight a.m. on Saturday and I’m on a Greyhound, wishing I had thought to bring something

containing caffeine. The sky is dim as a frown. The landscape sailing past the window hovers with the

little bumps in the road. The book on my lap has been lying there unopened for fifteen minutes. A man

in the back is snoring softly. A couple of rows in front of me a mother is peeling an orange for her little

girl and the fruity smell is in the air.

I think about the barbecue, being among all those hip strangers and feeling awkward. Wishing I had

dragged my Twin along. And Danny, always at the center of attention, seeming so at ease. I don’t know

why he asked me to come. We barely got a chance to talk all evening. I left early, feeling sad.

I think about what James said about trying to please people, and the truth of it stings. Why am I

doing this? Is Danny Rizzo, is anyone worth me changing for them to like me? But how can I be myself

when I don’t really know what it means to be me?

Sometimes when James looks at me, I feel like there is something… Like I mean much more to him

than just a friend. But how could I ever be sure? He is so hard to read. There is something about James,

a kind of frosty dignity that says: I stand alone. I need nothing and no-one in this world.

But I need him somehow, and that worries me. He makes me feel real, solid. Like an anchor in my

life, rooting me in reality. Maybe subconsciously I’m trying to get away, to loosen the chain. Maybe

Danny isn’t the cause, but a symptom. One thing’s for sure: If my friendship with James should ever

end, it would be the cruelest blow. It would shatter a huge part of my life. But James, he would simply

move on. Nothing can disappoint you if you have no expectations. It saddens me that he feels this way

about the world, about life. I want to prove to him that he has got it all wrong. That there is beauty

everywhere. If I could only get through to him like he gets through to me. But there’s a line with James

that you just can’t cross. I wonder, for the first time, if he is afraid. But of what? Of me?

What if James… No, what am I thinking? No, that’s crazy. But okay, just theoretically and for fun.

What if he did have feelings for me? How would I feel about it? My pulse immediately accelerates.

James. James with the lonely eyes. James who makes a cupboard seem emotional in comparison,

and firmly keeps the secrets of his past.

James with the dry wit and the sharp intellect. Who quotes Nietzsche, and listens to Pink Floyd.

James who doesn’t even believe in friendship, and still has never let me down.

Janie has a huge crush on him. It’s the cutest thing to see my smarty pants kid sister blush and fall

silent when he’s visiting. And he’s so lovely with her. He never makes his usual sarcastic remarks. He’s

such an amazing human being, and he doesn’t even know.

The kiss steals back into my mind, and I try to remember the sensation of his lips on mine. Soft,

gentle, sensitive. He didn’t kiss me like someone who had been made to at a party. And I didn’t kiss him

like that either.

I get goosebumps, and swallow as I stare out the window. Wow.

Chapter 11

Sinner

JAMES: Gently but steadily the raindrops are rapping against the glass of my window, and the world

outside disappears in shades of gray. I watch as they slide down in small trickles. Mom used to tell me

that when it rains, the angels cry. Sometimes because they’re sad, and sometimes because they’re happy.

I was five and not so sure angels even existed.

So let’s recapitulate, shall we? Casey wants Rizzo, not me. I want Casey, not Rizzo. And Rizzo…

well, shags anything that hasn’t run away screaming at the count of three. Which would appear to

include me. I could kick myself for my stupidity. I completely fell for his trap. He’s using me to get to

Casey. He knows the moment I’m out of the picture, he’ll have his way. And what would be a better

way to get rid of me than to make me do something to hurt Casey? Damn that bastard, that is exactly

what I’ve already done. All he needs to do now is to tell Casey about it, and I’m screwed.

There’s a knock on the door, and I jump slightly. Who the hell is that? I don’t get visitors. And

Casey’s not here over the weekend. Twenty-seven miserable, lonely, pathetic hours to go until I get to

see his face again.

“Come in, if you must.”

Well, kick my ass and call me a believer! I couldn’t have been more surprised if it had been Santa

Claus stepping into my room. It’s Rizzo. For a moment I’m completely floored. He’s never been to my

place before. How does he even know where I live? “What do you want here?”

“I guess I should come by more often, just to get such a warm welcome,” he grins and quickly

crosses the distance between us with a few confident strides.

“What do you want?” I repeat, my expression blank of emotion as I stare up at his handsome face.

He seems taller than I remember, but then again, I’m sitting at my desk and he’s standing close before

me.

“Do I need a reason? Or maybe you want me to make an appointment beforehand next time?” Rizzo

chuckles, and his hand automatically slides into his pocket to produce a pack of cigarettes.

“Don’t even think about it.”

He rolls his eyes, but stuffs them back in without so much as a snide remark, and that surprises me.

“So, you have no reason to be here, but you still are,” I analyze dryly.

“Ten points to the guy in the tasteless Spider-Man shirt.”

I frown, then look down at my chest and realize that I’m wearing the shirt my mom gave me years

ago. It was about two sizes to large then. Fits perfectly now. “Hey, you don’t insult Spider-Man around

here.”

“And the geekiness just keeps on coming.”

Giving him a look I raise an eyebrow. “Does this conversation have a purpose that I fail to see, or

did you just come by to annoy me?”

“Foley, I’m telling you, even my grandma wasn’t as uptight as you.”

“I bet your grandma was a stripper.”

His mouth widens to a grin, then he laughs, and I like the sound of that. Rizzo crosses his arms in

front of his chest and turns around to lean against the desk beside me. His eyes sparkle mischievously as

he looks down at me. “You know, you’re really not that bad, Foley.”

I blink slowly. Was that supposed to be some kind of compliment? Noticing the look on my face,

Rizzo laughs again, and for some reason, he almost seems a little embarrassed. But it can’t be, because

he never is. He fumbles for his cigarettes again, but lets his hand drop limply at his side when he

remembers, and it brushes against my bare arm unintentionally. I get goosebumps, and I pray he doesn’t

notice. Could he please not stand so close to me?

“Rizzo, if you think you can come by for a quickie in between your previous groupie and the next,

I’ve only got one thing to say to you: There is a reason god gave you hands.”

“Oh yeah? And would that be to do this?” Before I can react, Rizzo takes me by the arms and pulls

me up from my chair, pulls me close to him. He looks deeply into my eyes, suddenly serious, almost

pensive, like I’ve never seen him before.

“Don’t…” I begin to say, but my throat goes dry and the words just disappear, are blown away.

There is something incredibly intense about this moment, and I can feel my heart racing madly in my

chest.

“Don’t what?” Rizzo asks softly and runs a light finger along my cheek. To which my cheek reacts a

lot less than my cock. “What are you afraid of, James? That you could actually start to like me?”

I swallow, and hate myself for blushing as I stare into his eyes. I don’t know how to handle this new

Rizzo that I don’t recognize at all. Look at the rabbit, paralyzed by the cobra. “Hell, man. Do you think

I don’t know you’re only messing with me to get to Casey?”

“Casey?” Rizzo arches an eyebrow and moves back a bit in surprise, then shakes his head with a

smile. “You’ve got it all wrong, Jimmy. I’m only messing with Casey to get to you.”

Okay. That sure hit home. I step back abruptly, freeing myself of his grip, and he raises his hands in

a defensive gesture. I feel like I’ve just been slapped in the face.

“The hell?”

“For being such a smartass you catch on pretty slow sometimes.”

“Oh, come on!” This guy is unbelievable! What’s he gonna pull out of his hat next?

“What? Don’t tell me you didn’t notice. Geez, James…” Rizzo laughs softly. Shakes his head, and

his eyes are smiling. “Forget Casey! It’s never been about Casey.”

“Yeah, right. That’s why you always…”

“Well, I got your attention, didn’t I?”

My jaw just drops. I don’t know what to say, what to think, what to do. I just stand there, and a

million voices in my head are buzzing like a beehive. I can’t believe that asshole is looking me straight

into the eye, taking the piss out of me. This is just another sick game of his. I know it. But damn, what a

performance.

“You’re so full of shit, Rizzo. I’ve just about had it with your crap.”

“Yeah? The thing is, I don’t think so, Foley.” He pauses, and a tiny smile curls his lips. “You wanna

know what your problem is?”

“You tell me, if you know so much about me.”

“Your problem is that you want to be with Casey, but sleep with me.”

I laugh dryly, feeling strangely numb. “Yeah, right.”

“You know it’s true.” Rizzo moves closer and nonchalantly puts his hand on my neck, pulls me

towards him with unexpected determination. Instinctively my eyelids flutter closed even before his lips

press against mine, and his tongue slides into my mouth, wet and possessively. I want to have him. I

want to take him now, hard and fast. I want him to bleed, god, how I want it. Instead, I push him away,

so violently he staggers, almost falls.

We’re both panting, our eyes dark as we stare at each other. There is a long moment of silence.

Sobering. The sound of rain falling outside fills the room entirely. I feel like being locked in an outsized

aquarium. Rizzo wipes across his mouth with the back of his hand, wincing like I hit him there.

“You’re making a mistake, James.” His soft voice is very calm now, and serious. Is he threatening

me? No. For some reason I don’t believe that. For once, he sounds honest.

What if he really told the truth? The thought rips through my anger and fills me with doubt.

“I’m not the Salvation Army, I told you that.” He takes a deep breath, still recovering from my fierce

reaction to his kiss that he clearly didn’t expect. “So what is it you want?”

Alright then, you asked for it, you bastard. To think that for one moment, I almost believed you… “I

want you to get the hell outta my place.”

Rizzo nods, and smiles flatly. For the split of a second, there’s something in his eyes… Hurt. It’s

gone when he steps closer and stares at me with a smug grin.

“I think Casey and I should have a little chat real soon.”

I let him have his cliffhanger exit, but the moment the door closes behind him I sink onto the bed.

Damn. I’m done for. He’s gonna tell Casey. I know he will. And it’s all my own fault.

Chapter 12

Prostration

JAMES: I never thought I would be grateful for a party, but tonight it means that the whole dorm’s

deserted, and that is a good thing. They’re all out, noisily having a good time at the annual “School’s

(almost) out for Summer” bash that traditionally takes place two weeks before the end of semester. It’s

basically a huge booze-up, disguised as a barbecue, with local bands playing so loudly you can’t even

hear yourself talking. But who needs to talk on such occasions anyway? All the cool people get to be

incredibly cool, and all the losers get to feel left out, when in fact everybody is just trying to get laid.

Naturally this is the event the whole campus is looking forward to all year. Thanks, but I’ll pass.

I feel unreal as I slowly walk down the corridor to my room. A hell of a frozen lump in my stomach

has been growing all day like a swelling inside. It’s like reality is collapsing on me, or maybe I haven’t

been living in reality these past few months and now I’m suddenly being tossed back without a place to

land. Casey and I have never fought before. Sure, we have our quarrels. Everybody does. He gets all

grumpy when he is mad at me. It’s kinda cute. But what happened this morning was different. Painfully

real. And final. Like something important was broken that can never be mended.

“Is it true?” he asked when he came into my room, and I knew what he meant the moment I saw his

face, even before he continued. “Is it true what Danny says? That you slept with him?”

Damn that bastard Rizzo. I knew he would do this. Just like he’d been planning it all along. Casey

looked so hurt. I swallowed hard, trying to speak but unable to for a long, awkward moment. “What

exactly did he tell you?”

“He says that you came to his room last week. And that you’d been trying to hit on him all

semester.”

“That lying son of a bitch,” I hissed through clenched teeth, more to myself. But Casey heard, and he

came closer.

“It’s not true then? I didn’t want to believe it, but…” He trailed off and a small, embarrassed smile

hovered on his lips. As he looked at me, the smile faded. “James? There was nothing between Danny

and you, was there? Nothing at all?”

I should have lied. I know I should have. But I couldn’t. I just stood there with hanging arms, and

the expression on my face must have said it all.

Casey inhaled sharply. He turned his head away quickly. “You should have said something. You

should have told me, James.” No argument, no accusations. Nothing. He just stood there, clearly

shocked, and still far too composed. As though it hadn’t quite hit him yet. Then he glanced at me, and I

could see tears in his eyes.

It hurt like hell to see him like this. I wanted to tell him I was sorry. That I was an idiot and he had

every right to hate me. But all I got out was a very lame “Casey…”

“So that’s why you said Danny wouldn’t be good for me. I get it now.” Casey shook his head, and

that painful, bitter smile felt like a kick in the gut. “God, you must think I’m so stupid.”

“What? No! No, Casey, listen…”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to pretend anymore.” He had this incredible dignity about him as he

simply turned around and walked to the door.

“Casey, wait!” I followed quickly and pushed the half-open door shut again. I needed him to know,

to understand… “There’s something I need to tell you. Something important.”

Casey stopped, his hand still on the door-handle. All the warmth had left his kind face. “Well, that’s

too bad, James, ‘cause I don’t wanna hear it.”

He opened the door again and stepped out of the room, slamming the door shut in my face. I could

still hear the icy, hollow sound minutes later.

***

So, yeah, I guess I screwed up good and proper. I don’t blame Casey for hating me. I don’t even blame

Rizzo. Well, I okay, I do, but mostly I don’t have the energy to. It’s shattering to know with absolute

clarity that things will never be the same again. How can we be friends now? I’ve destroyed everything.

You don’t sleep with your best friend’s love interest. You just don’t. Ever.

It hurts too much to think about it, and so I do what I always do when the pain comes. I morph into

good old James, the Invisible. Hollow, numb, and blissfully blank of emotion. It’s a simple technique of

curling up in that place inside where they can’t reach you. There was a time when being able to do that

was a life-saver.

I’ve almost reached my door when Anna storms out of her room and nearly runs into me. Damn.

With a bit of luck she might even have knocked me out.

“Shit, Foley! What the hell you doing up here?” she barks. Anna always barks, she doesn’t just talk

like normal people. But then again, you can hardly call a militant feminist with a pink-dyed Mohican

and three lip-piercings normal.

“I live here,” I answer dryly and am about to walk on when she grabs me by the arm and firmly

holds me back.

“No, you don’t. Get your sad ass down to the party. It’s like the one night of the year when even a

hopeless case like you is allowed to have fun!”

“Thanks, but I’d rather not.”

“Right then, let’s go!” she decides.

“Anna!” I hiss sharply as she begins to drag me back up the corridor. “I’m not going anywhere.”

To my surprise she really stops, and glares at me. That’s when I notice a deep hurt in her eyes that

can’t possibly come from my reaction. Has she been crying?

“What the hell’s your problem? You can brood and mope down there just fine if you absolutely have

to!” she snaps.

“It just so happens that I’d rather mope alone.”

“Julie dumped me,” she blurts out with no prior warning. “Bitch dumped me for Jenny. Jenny! Can

you believe that?”

I have no idea who Jenny is, and to be honest, I couldn’t care less. And still, something inside of me

spontaneously sympathizes with her hurt. Great. Am I growing soft in my old age?

“But you know what?” Anna continues with almost scary determination, “I don’t care. Whatever. I

mean, if she doesn’t want me, it’s her loss. And you know what I’m gonna do tonight?”

I just hope she isn’t planning to switch sides and explore uncharted sexual territories or anything, not

as long as she’s this close to me anyway.

“Get completely pissed,” she smiles wryly. “And you’re gonna keep me company.” Ignoring my

unwilling little snarl, Anna puts her iron arm around my waist and gives me an encouraging squeeze.

“Come on, Foley, you look like that’s just what you need yourself tonight.”

Not sure why, but between excessive amounts of alcohol and being alone with myself, somehow the

first sounds like the more healthy option. With a deep sigh I finally give in and let myself be dragged

away.

***

I have no idea where Anna got the booze, but I swear I can literally feel my brain cells getting fried one

by one while I take large gulps of it. Gah, it still tastes awful as hell now that we’ve emptied three

quarters of the bottle. Anna watches me wince with a small, amused grin.

“You know, I never got why he likes you, but even you have your cute moments.”

“Wuh? Anna, I’m trying to kill myself here with something that could be motor-oil from the taste of

it. Don’t make me think. Who’re you talking about?”

Completely unmotivated she breaks into a giggle and rolls around on the soft, lush lawn that we’re

lying on – lawn you’re not supposed to walk across– a bit apart from the crowd. Yep, she’s definitely

getting where I want to be. I don’t really expect an answer anymore when she lifts her head and groans:

“Casey, of course, you dickhead.” She giggles again.

“Dickhead?” I start to laugh too, in spite of myself. “Shut up, you SCUM-reading dyke. What do

you know anyway? Casey hates me.”

“Yeah, right.” Anna’s head lands on my shoulder and bangs against my cheek, and we both moan

pitifully. “You should hear him talk about you. James this, James that, James everything!”

“Ha. You’re lying. He doesn’t do that.”

“Does too. And you’re an idiot.”

We’re both silent for a moment. I stare up to the night sky above, trying to get my brain to process

what she said. The party lights are too bright to see the stars tonight. Maybe it’s overcast anyway. I

thought I heard a roll of thunder rumbling in the distance earlier. The air is so thick you could cut it.

“And even if he did talk about me so much – which he doesn’t,” I glare at her. “That doesn’t prove a

thing.”

“You’re both idiots,” is her meaningful reply.

“So what’s he say about me?”

“Who?”

“Casey,” I snarl impatiently.

“It’s not what he’s saying, stupid, it’s the way he’s saying it. Foley, how blind can you be?” Anna

shakes her head, banging it against my chin again in the process and not giving a damn.

“Oww,” I protest.

“I don’t get you. It’s like you actually enjoy being miserable!”

“Apparently,” I say quietly, more to myself, and the tragic part about it is that I know she’s probably

right.

“He hates me now, anyway.”

“What did you do?”

“Something unforgivable,” I mumble.

“Nothing’s unforgivable, stupid.”

“Would you forgive… what’s her face?”

“Julie? Never ever. Ever!” she replies darkly, and far too loudly. “That bitch can rot in hell!”

“Why, thanks. You fill me with hope.”

Abruptly I sit up, ignoring Anna protesting loudly and slapping my arm. I thought I’d just spotted

Casey at the edge of the crowd, not far from us. I was right. And he’s not alone. Rizzo’s with him. A

sudden wave of hatred with the rage of a thousand hellfires grips me. I don’t want to see this. I don’t

want to feel. I get a dark foreboding, making the palms of my hands sweat. They’re talking. Standing

close to each other. Very close. Sharing a beer, apparently. The intimacy is sickening. Something inside

my stomach starts to spin, and in my current state, that is a very bad thing. I don’t get this! He can hang

out with Rizzo, but not with me? Why isn’t he mad with him too? That’s completely not fair in my

book.

“Anna, gimme the bottle.” I hold out my open hand and she slaps the bottle into it with a low grunt

as she struggles to sit up beside me.

“What is it?” She follows my stare and glances at me when she’s noticed Casey and Rizzo. “Uh-oh.”

I put the booze to my mouth and just let it flow into me, but killjoy-Anna snatches it from my hand,

spilling half of it on my clothes.

“Woah! Easy, big boy. I don’t want you to hurl all over me!”

“Piss off.”

Great, now they’ve seen us. Both Casey and Rizzo stare over to us for a long moment. I wish I knew

what they’re thinking right now. On second thought, no, I’d rather not. I can imagine what a remarkably

pathetic picture the two of us fighting over a bottle of cheap booze must be. Rizzo frowns slightly, and

makes a motion that looks like he’s gonna come over, but then he decides not to. Instead, he flashes one

of his killer smiles at Casey. And Casey returns the smile. He turns away from me like I’m some sort of

lower being not even worth despising. But I can’t stop staring at them. I know that Casey is fully aware

of me watching as he puts his hand on Rizzo’s hip and leans in to whisper something in his ear. They

smile at each other, and Rizzo lifts his hand to cup Casey’s face. And then they kiss.

I’m on my feet and over there so fast neither of them sees it coming, but at the same time everything

seems to happen in slow motion. Sharp pain shoots through my fist as it connects with Rizzo’s face, and

he stumbles backwards, loses balance, hits the ground. I kick him in the guts, kick hard, and he howls in

agony. It sounds like a symphony to my ears. “You keep your hands off him, you son of a bitch!”

Someone violently grabs me by the arms and pulls me back. “Are you crazy? Get off him!” Casey’s

voice sounds strangely distorted, like from far away through my haze. He pushes me out of Rizzo’s