Текст книги "Threefold"

Автор книги: Scott Hildreth

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Текущая страница: 8 (всего у книги 15 страниц)

ETHAN

A record setting shitty day at work had me second guessing my need to continue working with Jake. Even though he had yet to mention Rain since our incident, his mouth, attitude, and constant complaints were almost more than I was able to take. After an eight hour day of his antics, the frustration he added to my already annoyed state of mind was enough to cause me to leave and consider never returning.

On my ride home I realized a good deal of my frustration was a result of disappointment in myself for not properly approaching Rain regarding my true feelings. For me to kiss her without warning was not only selfish, but inconsiderate and childlike. I felt a need to apologize, take a few steps back, and ask her if she had interest in going on a conventional date with me.

Based on the time we had spent together and the way our personalities complimented each other¸ I suspected she would agree to the offer, and in time I would be able to make up for what little damage I may have caused by my thoughtless behavior the day of the poker run.

As I rode through town, I fully realized it was in my best interest to move forward with my plans promptly, and that I had become my own worst enemy at work. Admitting my mistakes was the first step toward being able to make adjustments in my life, and in doing so, I had to admit most of my problems of late with my attitude were my own fault.

Jake would always be Jake, and he was really no different than he had always been. His characteristics I once found entertaining I now found annoying, and the annoyance ground on my nerves like a barking dog or a blaring car horn. Me making amends for my own mistakes should allow me to continue along the same path I had been on for years, and do so without my continued feelings of hatred toward Jake.

After I parked the bike in my space in the garage I didn’t immediately get off and go inside. As I sat on the bike and listened to the ticking sound of the exhaust cooling, I considered my not having asked Rain on a date was possibly a result of two very likely subconscious thoughts or feelings.

To ask Rain on a date would be to truly let go of Chloe, and admit I had failed in my relationship with her. To proceed with Rain would require my release of Chloe and the thoughts and feelings associated with her. As much as I previously told myself I was over her, I now sat on my bike and wondered just how accurate the statement had been in the past.

Additionally, if I asked Rain on a date I would need to be totally honest with her. In advance, I would need to tell Rain my shortcomings, my strengths, and my true knowledge regarding my separation from Chloe, and allow her to make an educated decision regarding her desire or lack of desire to proceed with me. If she denied my request after my speech, it would add to my suspicion that there were things about me that I may never be able to recover from, things no woman would ever want to contend with.

As the ticking of the exhaust stopped, I focused on Cade’s car and smiled. The one constant in my life I gave very little thanks for, but truly admired for his stability and understanding. Although Cade wasn’t accepting of change, he was very understanding of me, my faults, and my propensity to procrastinate about everything. Prior to Rain’s arrival in our home, Cade and I spent many a night speaking of relationships, women, feelings, and heartache. His advice was always well received, even though I realized most of it came from no experiences of his own.

Cade’s admittance to me in college of his lack of experience with women initially caused me to wonder of his ability to assist me with my problems immediately following my divorce. His sound advice, thoughtful gestures, and willingness to listen further proved to me just how close of a friend he really was.

Often questioned by my longtime friends about my friendship with Cade, early explanations of our closeness was difficult for me to explain. Talking about it wasn’t easy, so I chose not to. Cade had become much more than the brother I once had, and confirmed through his actions as well as his words that his love for me was as strong as the love I had developed for him. Difficult to explain, but equally as difficult to deny, we had become as close over the years as two grown men could ever be.

My request for him to move into my loft after Chloe’s departure was the best decision I ever made.

As I continued to gaze at his spotless car, I laughed to myself at his OCD behaviors regarding cleanliness in our home. Virtually following me around with cleaner and a rag, without complaint, he had picked up or cleaned every mess I had ever made.

His agreeing to allow Rain to move into our home was a huge step for him, and although we spent no time discussing it afterward, I now realized it was a decision he made either for me, or out of the depth of his kindness, setting aside his quirks regarding change and cleanliness.

Either way, as I stepped off of my bike and sauntered toward the elevator, I decided I not only needed to apologize to Rain, I needed to apologize to Cade for my continued inconsiderate behavior.

As the elevator opened on the seventh floor, I took one step forward, stopped, and grinned. After pressing the buttons for floors 8 through 11 on the keypad, I closed my eyes, recalled the day I met Rain, and waited for the elevator to stop on each floor.

After stopping on the 11th floor, I pressed 7. As the elevator began to lower, I closed my eyes and prayed for the knowledge to find the right words.

Words which would, without a doubt, make all of the difference in the world to how my life would be lived from this day forward.

RAIN

I stuffed the remainder of the panties into my pack, pressed down on the canvas, and pulled the zipper closed. A quick survey of the room produced nothing more than two books and my locket. I glanced in the mirror, ran my fingers through my hair, and gazed down at the locket.

I hope you can bring me luck.

I draped the chain over my head, pulled the locket down into my cleavage, and gripped it between my thumb and forefinger. As I held it in my grasp, I closed my eyes, sighed heavily, and opened my eyes. I lifted the locket, flipped it open, and stared at the tiny photograph.

As a lump the size of a tennis ball rose in my throat, I closed the locket, slid it between my breasts, and pressed my palms into my thighs. After a few seconds, I bent my knees and lowered myself to the floor.

I couldn’t bring myself to choose between them.

As I sat crouched in an almost fetal position beside my pack, I knew leaving would be close to impossible, but if I couldn’t have them both, leaving them was my only option. After softly crying for what seemed like an eternity, I was exhausted.

I stood, wiped the tears from my face, and picked up my pack. In my mind, there was only one way this could work. After one last glance around the room, I pulled the pack over my shoulders, flipped out the light, and gripped the locket in my fingers as I slowly walked down the stairs.

RAIN

I fought to maintain my composure and speak without losing my wits. After opening my mouth twice to nothing but a silent puff of warm breath, I sat on the center couch, lowered my pack to my side, and exhaled.

Help me…

Please.

I fought against the lump in my throat.

“I need you to both come in here,” I said with as much authority as I could muster.

“I’ll have dinner ready in ten minutes,” Cade responded.

I heard Ethan’s closet door close. Without turning around, I spoke into the open room, “I really need to talk to you both. Right now, if possible. It’s kind of an emergency.”

“Hold on,” Cade sighed.

Ethan peered around the corner of the frame of his bedroom door, “Give me a minute.”

After no more than a few seconds, they both stepped into the living room and gawked at me.

“What’s going on,” Ethan asked as he pointed down at my pack.

“Rain…” Cade’s voice was full of emotion as it trailed off; he undoubtedly stopped short of what he intended to say.

Both men glanced at each other, and then shifted their eyes toward me.

“Please. Listen. One of you sit on the loveseat, and the other on the couch,” I said as I wagged my finger toward the couch and loveseat, “And let me finish, and I mean completely finish before you say anything.”

“Let me…uhhm, let me turn off the stove,” Cade coughed.

Ethan sat on the loveseat and faced me. As Cade walked back into the room, he glanced around nervously, and eventually sat down at the end of the couch, facing Ethan. After studying my dingy sneakers for a long moment, I exhaled and raised my head.

“I can’t think of any way to say this other than to just say it. So, after considerable thought, and a lot of tears, I want to say…” I paused and swallowed heavily.

No matter how many times I went over it in my head, I could not come up with a manner to say all of what I had to say that would give the two men an accurate understanding of my feelings and take less than thirty minutes. One way, however, quickly made my feelings clear, but I feared would cause immediate reactions from them both. As there were so many ways to express my feelings, none of which were subtle, I chose to condense my thoughts into a few short but well thought out sentences.

I inhaled a breath, looked up from my sneakers, and spoke.

“I love you both, and not in a broad sense. I’m terribly sorry, but I have fallen in love with each of you, deeply and independently. Together, we must decide what to do. But, regardless of what we decide here tonight, I know this…” I exhaled audibly, inhaled another breath, and continued, “If we can’t figure out a way for this to work, I’m leaving, and I’m leaving tonight. I love you both too much to cause harm to one of you over this.”

Remarkably, I was able to maintain my composure. After having said what I believed I needed to say, I felt relieved. Although neither of the men immediately spoke, I sat calmly and waited for them to do so. I reached for the locket and clutched it in my hand. I closed my eyes, allowed the silence to envelop me, and waited.

Eventually, Ethan cleared his throat and broke the silence.

“First and foremost, I don’t want you to leave. My response, I can assure you, has very little if anything to do with my desire to have you stay,” he paused and raised his hands to his cheeks.

“Give me a second,” he said as he cleared his throat.

“And everything to do with my desire to continue what we have. So, you think you’ve fallen in love with me? In a conventional sense? The type of love where you want to be in a relationship with me? I’m asking this so I fully understand what you’re saying or trying to say,” he said as he raised his index finger into the air.

I nodded my head, “Yes. But I don’t think I have, I know I have. And yes, the type of love you see every day where two people are in a relationship; boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, that type.”

He pursed his lips and glanced toward Cade, “And you’ve also fallen for Cade in the same way or ways?”

I nodded my head and glanced toward Cade. Surprisingly, he sat and listened as Ethan spoke without much emotion at all. A look I could only describe as curiosity covered Cade’s face as Ethan continued.

“Interesting. Well, to be brutally honest, I have some pretty deep feelings for you myself. I had every intention of asking you out on a date tonight,” he paused and eventually chuckled lightly before he continued.

“Sorry,” he sighed, “I just found it a little ironic.”

I sat up and leaned forward, scooting to the edge of the couch, and rested my elbows on my thighs. “I feel like I’m a third of the pieces to a puzzle, and I’m the only one who knows where the other two pieces are. I don’t know how to explain it, and I didn’t want this to happen. I didn’t want to fall in love, let alone fall in love with both of you, but you made me.”

“How did I make you?” Ethan asked as he relaxed into his seat.

“By being you,” I responded.

“And Cade?” he asked as he tossed his head in Cade’s direction.

I glanced toward Cade and smiled, “By being Cade.”

“And how on this little green earth of ours do you think something like this might work?” Ethan asked.

I shrugged my shoulders and leaned back into the couch, “I don’t know, but I’m willing to try.”

“I can see all kinds of problems,” Ethan said under his breath.

“Open your eyes, Ethan. The problems are all in your head. I want this. No, actually, I need this. I love you both, and I don’t see any way around it. We have to figure out a way to make this work. Look beyond whatever you see as a concern, and just be open-minded,” I sighed.

“Cade?” Ethan said flatly as he motioned toward Cade.

Cade leaned forward and gazed in my direction.

“I don’t want to lose you. I know I don’t. I can’t. I won’t. As crazy as it sounds saying it, I’m willing to try and make anything work,” Cade said calmly.

I smiled at Cade’s response and turned to face Ethan.

“So in your mind is this some crazy kind of three-way fucktastic sex-a-thon bullshit or what?” Ethan asked.

“A what?” I gasped.

He shrugged his shoulders, widened his eyes, and shook his head as he gazed up at the ceiling. As he glanced down, he continued, “You know, a three way gang bang type affair?”

“Uhhm, no,” I snapped.

“So, it’s not a Ménage à Trois?” he asked.

“No,” I responded sharply.

Cade cleared his throat, causing both of us to turn and face him.

“Actually,” Cade said, “It is. Technically, and as a matter of definition, a Ménage à Trois is three people occupying the same household in either a romantic or a sexual relationship. So, regardless of the sexual arrangement, if we’re three and we’re romantic, it is.”

“Why do you say that?” I asked.

“Believe me, you need to believe him. He’s a walking fucking dictionary. Mr. 4.0 G.P.A.,” Ethan chuckled.

I shifted my attention from Cade to Ethan as he spoke.

“Love? What makes you think it’s love?” Ethan asked as my eyes met his.

My response was swift, and without much thought.

“I’ve never loved anyone, I can tell you that much. Even as a little girl, I never really remember loving my mother. I didn’t know my father, and I never for one minute loved my monster of a step-father. I’m sure my recollection of my mother has become jaded over the years, but I can safely say as far as I’m concerned,” I paused and raised my finger in the air.

“I’ve never loved, and I’ve never been loved. Ever. So, for me to feel the way I feel, I don’t know…It may be new to me, but identifying it is as easy as saying I’m frustrated, or angry, or disappointed. Love is something I feel, and although it may be something new to me, identifying it isn’t difficult.”

“Sounds logical,” Ethan said with a nod.

I have no real idea why, but I stood from my seat. I may have been slightly frustrated that Ethan was challenging me, or maybe I just wanted to change the pace of things. Regardless, I stood.

“So what about you? Cade spoke his mind, you’ve said nothing about how you feel,” I said as I stood.

Ethan stood from his seat and opened his arms, “We’ll see how this thing pans out as time passes, but I’d rather have half of you than none of you.”

I shook my head, “It’s not like that, Ethan.”

I glanced at Cade and motioned for him to stand, which he immediately did.

I alternated glances between Ethan and Cade, “Both of you get all of me. There’s no half of anything, each of you have me entirely. I’m giving myself to the two of you, and all that I ask is that you treat me with care and respect.”

I paused, admired Cade’s calm demeanor, and turned to face Ethan.

“And you,” I said as I raised my finger, “I expect you to protect all three of us.”

“Oh really?” he said with a laugh, “Not that I won’t, but why’s that?”

I pursed my lips and narrowed my eyes slightly as I gazed down at his boots. As I glanced up his muscular tattooed frame, I grinned and pointed at him as I spoke, “Because you’re bigger, stronger, and older. And, well, because you have tattoos.”

“Consider it done,” Ethan said as he raised his right arm and flexed his bicep.

“Okay by me, I’m not much of a fighter,” Cade sighed.

“So, you’re willing to try this?” I asked.

Ethan shrugged his shoulders, “My last relationship went all to fuck. I know I care for you deeply, so yeah. I’ll do my best.”

I shifted my eyes toward Cade.

He nodded eagerly.

I spread my arms, inviting them both to hug me. As they did, I embraced them both, holding them tightly and thanking God for allowing them to understand my needs, and be willing to attempt to fulfill them. As I held them, Cade cleared his throat and lifted his head from my shoulder.

“You know,” Cade said, “omne trium perfectum is a Latin phrase meaning everything that comes in threes is perfect or every set of three is complete.”

I leaned away, studied Cade for a moment, and eventually turned toward Ethan. Ethan shrugged his free shoulder and grinned.

“He pretty much knows everything,” Ethan said, “But I have one last question.”

“What’s that?” I asked.

“What’s for dinner?” he said as he reached around me and slapped Cade’s back.

I released them from my grasp and thought of what Cade had said a moment earlier.

Every set of three is complete.

I didn’t know who originally coined the phrase, but whoever it was, as far as I was concerned, was a very wise man.

Because standing in the living room together on that night, of all nights, we were complete.

ETHAN

For me to fully grasp the depth of the situation I had agreed to allow myself to be placed in would be impossible. The potential complexities, complications, certain jealousy, and complete lack of even a single strand of normalcy caused my head to spin with wonder.

The selfless side of me told me to quietly walk away, and avoid any potential heartbreak or harm. The selfish side, however, won the battle; at least this time. I felt a need to know what it felt like to love Rain Bauer. I knew myself well enough to know if I was anything, I was determined; and my determination continued to push me in Rain’s direction.

I was now convinced I should allow myself to dive head first into whatever was required to allow Rain’s love for me, and in turn, my love for her, blossom.

I’ve heard it said the eyes are a window to the soul. If the saying holds true, Rain’s soul was a very inviting one, and full of mystery. The part of Rain I was allowed to see was intriguing, and without barriers. Her everything was exposed for the small world she lived in to enjoy; and she held nothing back. All I could do was hope her ability to love was greater or at least equal to her ability to live life.

Rain took one step away from the counter and studied the teen girl from head to toe no less than twice, shaking her head as she did so. After probably feeling as if her evaluation was going poorly, the clerk sighed and began to turn away.

“The name of this place is Smoothie King, right? Say’s it on the sign. Since 1973,” Rain asked with a tone of sarcasm in her voice.

“Yeah, Smoothie King,” the clerk responded.

Rain pressed the web of her right hand into her waist, cocked her hip, and curled her lip slightly. After an audible exhale, she began again, “So how can you call yourself the undisputed King of smoothies if you don’t have coconut in your arsenal of fruit? I used to come in here, oh I don’t know, maybe 5 or 6 years ago, and you had coconut. You had a smoothie called the Pina Colada, and that’s what I want. And if you don’t have coconut, how are you going to make it?”

“We took it off the menu. I can make it taste like coconut, but we don’t have coconut,” the clerk sighed.

“No, no you can’t. I don’t want coconut flavored stuff, I want coconut. You know, the fruit. I want little shreds of it that come shooting through the straw after it gets plugged up and you suck really hard thinking your cheeks are going to cave in but they don’t and eventually your mouth fills up with the little shreds. That’s what I want. You know…” she paused and raised her right hand, wagging her finger in the air as she did so.

“This is my first date with him. So he asked me, Rain where do you want to go? He said I could pick anywhere, anywhere in the entire fucking city, and I picked this place. You should change your sign,” she turned and waved her arm as she walked away.

“Smoothie King is dead,” she said over her shoulder.

“Come on, Ethan. Fuck this place,” she sighed as she turned toward the door.

“Wow. That went all to absolute fuck, didn’t it?” I said as I stepped outside.

She kicked at the few pebbles that littered the asphalt near where the bike was parked. As I approached, she glanced up and shrugged.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I just wanted to come here and get one of those smoothies. It pisses me off. It’s like going to Mc Donald’s and finding out they don’t have French fries anymore.”

“Well, I’m sorry it didn’t work out,” I said as I sat down on the motorcycle and rested my hands against the handlebars.

“It’s just,” she sighed and shook her head.

“What?” I asked.

She glanced up with glassy eyes and stared blankly toward me.

“I used to come here to kind of escape. I don’t know, it started when I was maybe twelve, after I talked to mom about the monster,” she said without emotion.

I believed I understood what she was speaking of, but I wanted to know more.

“The monster?” I asked.

She nodded her head and bit her lower lip slightly, “Yeah, my stepfather. I talked to her about him and she didn’t even care. So after that, Christina and I used to come up here. Well, not to this one, but the other one. And we’d just walk up there and sit. They had a patio, and we could sit out there and drink the smoothies. When I was there, I forgot, at least for a while, that he even existed. I’d drink a smoothie instead of eating. When I got home I always said I’d already eaten, and then I wouldn’t have to look at him any more than I had to.”

I stepped over the seat of the bike and turned toward her. As our eyes met, I began to speak.

“Out of curiosity, why didn’t you want to go to the other one, your old stomping grounds?”

She shook her head somewhat violently and the tone of her voice changed drastically, “Oh fuck no. I wouldn’t go out there for anything. I can’t get close to that place – his castle, not the smoothie place.”

“He has a castle?” I asked, “And why not. You know they say sometimes it’s best to face your fears.”

“Whoever says that doesn’t have any real fears. And yeah, he called it his castle. No, I’m not interested in coming within five miles of that place. I’ve got this fear that he’s going to get me again. I mean, I live with it, like, every day. I dream about it. I think about it when I’m awake. I think about it when I eat, dream about it when I sleep, it never goes away. It’s a little better since I moved in with you and Cade, but it’s still there. I swear, when I was…you know…on my own? Yeah, it was bad. Like really bad. I was always looking over my shoulder and wondering when he was going to show up again,” she ran her fingers through her hair and glanced down at her feet as she shook her head.

“You haven’t seen him since you left though, right?” I asked as I reached for her shoulder.

As she caught a glimpse of my hand, she flinched and pulled away. The thought of anyone doing something to intentionally harm a child sickened me, but a father taking the trust of a child, casting it aside, and sexually molesting her caused me to want to seek retribution. I stood beside Rain, fuming with anger, and tried to maintain my composure. Slowly, I reached for her again.

She lowered her head and allowed me to slip my arm over her shoulder. As she nestled close to me, she gazed beyond me and toward the street.

“No, I haven’t seen him since I left. But he still exists. You have no idea what he did to me. None. I’ll be running from him or the thought of him or whatever you want to call it for as long as I live,” she said with an underlying emotion which caused the words to almost crumble as she spoke.

“I can only imagine,” I sighed as I shook my head lightly.

She pulled away from me and shook her head as if I just didn’t understand her at all. As she continued to stand, shaking her head, she gazed down at the parking lot. “No, actually you can’t. Imagine anything you can. Anything. The most grotesque shit you’ve ever seen heard of or seen on the news that involves the molestation of a little girl.”

As my mind wandered through the possibilities, I began to shake my head in anger.

She stared down at her feet and spoke softly. “Well, whatever you can think of…anything…anything at all. He either did it to me or made me do it to him. Over and over.”

“He’s a fucking monster,” she said as she glanced upward.

The feeling of a need to protect her enveloped me.

“Well, he won’t touch you with me in your life. Not and get away with it,” I assured her.

“That’s one of the things I like about being around you. You make me feel safe. But no one can promise anything,” she said.

The anger within me was at an all-time high. I’d never felt as helpless to assist someone in need in my entire life. All I felt I was able to do was assure her I’d never let harm come to her, at least not while I was around.

I glanced down at my boots and considered what I wanted to say.

“I can. I can make that promise. I’ll protect you from him,” I said as I gazed up and into her eyes.

She shook her head.

“You can’t make that promise.”

“I just fucking did,” I snapped back.

We embraced in a hug for a long moment. When I released her from my arms, I slowly raised my hand to her face, and traced my finger down along her jaw. As I reached her chin, I lifted my finger against it, tilting her head back slightly.

I leaned toward her and kissed her softly. Our lips parted and I gazed into her eyes. She stood silently and stared into mine, and as she did, her eyes said what her mouth did not.

She believed me.