Текст книги "Doctor Who: Who-ology (Dr Who)"

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NOT QUITE THEMSELVES

Although many celebrities from the real world have appeared in Doctor Who, there’s a handful of famous figures that have appeared – but perhaps not exactly as themselves:

Anne Robinson – The laser-tongued presenter lent her voice to the Anne-Droid, the literally laser-tongued metallic presenter of a futuristic edition of quiz show The Weakest Link. (Bad Wolf)

Davina McCall – As the voice of Davinadroid, the presenter presided over the Game Station’s version of Big Brother in the year 200,100, where the Doctor was forced to be a housemate. (Bad Wolf)

Trinny Woodall and Susannah Constantine – In the 21st century they were the presenters of What Not To Wear, but by 200,100 they were Trine-e and Zu-Zana, intent on giving Captain Jack a permanent make-over. (Bad Wolf)

Barbara Windsor – There was no Peggy Mitchell in residence in Albert Square when the TARDIS landed there in 1993’s Dimensions in Time, but in 2006 Barbara Windsor finally appeared in Doctor Who – within an episode of EastEnders. Jackie Tyler was glued to a storyline in which Peggy tells a ‘ghost’ of Den Watts to ‘get out of my pub’. (Army of Ghosts)

MEDICAL ESTABLISHMENTS ON EARTH

‘I thought you were a doctor!’

The Doctor, Doctor Who

If all hospitals on Earth are full, Who-ology recommends you try Ward 26 of the New New York Hospital on New Earth (New Earth), or the Bi-Al Foundation on asteroid K4067, near the Saturn moon of Titan. Robot dogs and invading alien swarms a speciality. (The Invisible Enemy)

THE MYSTERIOUS WORLD OF DOCTOR WHO

‘They seemed so secure and died out virtually overnight.’

The Doctor, Earthshock

The Doctor has had a hand in some of the Earth’s greatest mysteries…

WHY DID THE DINOSAURS DIE OUT?

A cataclysmic event brought about the extinction of the dinosaurs about 65 million years ago. Accepted scientific theory suggests a large celestial object collided with the Earth.

Mystery solved: The Cybermen intended to use a large space freighter to impact with the Earth in the year 2526 to destroy a peace conference. The freighter did impact with the Earth, but not in the far future. Thanks to the interference of the Doctor’s companion Adric, the freighter travelled back in time some 65 million years. The rest is history. As is Adric. (Earthshock)

ATLANTIS

First mentioned by Plato, Atlantis was a legendary city believed to have been lost beneath the waves. According to the philosopher it sank in ‘a single day and night of misfortune’. But what was that misfortune?

Mystery solved: Atlantis was destroyed around 1500 AD when the Master unleashed the being known as Kronos. (The Time Monster) Simple. Or it would have been if Azal hadn’t claimed that the Daemons destroyed Atlantis as a failed experiment. (The Daemons) Either way, Atlantis was rediscovered by Professor Zaroff in the latter half of the 20th century. (The Underwater Menace)

HOW DID ANCIENT MAN BUILD THE PERUVIAN TEMPLES?

Archaeologists have long been puzzled by complex temples dating from thousands of years ago. How had primitive man built such intricate buildings?

Mystery solved: Visitors from the planet Exxilon came to Earth and taught the locals how to build, mirroring the structures on their own planet. (Death to the Daleks)

THE MYSTERY OF THE MARY CELESTE

On 5 November 1872, American merchant ship Mary Celeste set sail from New York City, bound for Italy. On 4 December, the ship was discovered adrift, with the crew having mysteriously vanished without trace.

Mystery solved: Trying to elude pursuit by the Daleks, the Doctor landed the TARDIS aboard the Mary Celeste, the Daleks arriving soon after in their own time machine. When faced with the horror of the Daleks, the crew sensibly threw themselves overboard. Along with a Dalek. (The Chase)

THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN

The world’s most famous crypto-zoological mystery is that of the Yeti – aka the Abominable Snowman. Possibly bear-like, the ‘Wild Man of the Snows’ is said to inhabit the Himalayan mountain region near Tibet, and fleeting sightings have been made since the 19th century.

Mystery solved: The Yeti were in fact the robot slaves of the Great Intelligence, a malevolent entity that inhabited a Tibetan monastery for about 200 years. Professor Edward Travers took one back to England after his expedition near the Det-Sen monastery (The Abominable Snowmen / The Web of Fear)

THE LOCH NESS MONSTER

Since the 6th century, there have been reported sightings of a strange creature in and around Loch Ness in the Scottish Highlands. Known as Nessie, this creature could be the last surviving example of a plesiosaur or other prehistoric creature. Many have searched, but Nessie has never been found…

Mystery solved: The Loch Ness Monster is a Skarasen, a cyborg hybrid creature that was released into the loch in the 12th century by the Zygons. From their ship deep beneath the loch, the aliens used the savage creature as a weapon towards their goal of world domination. (Terror of the Zygons)

Or

Nessie is the deformed Borad, banished by the Doctor through the Time-lash from the planet Karfel. With luck, the Skarasen may have eaten him. (Timelash)

THE GREAT FIRE OF LONDON

In the early hours of Sunday 2 September 1666, a fire broke out at a bakery on Pudding Lane in the city of London. The fire raged for three days, gutting much of the capital. Was it the carelessness of a tired baker, or something more sinister that started the fire?

Mystery solved: In the Fifth Doctor’s final confrontation with the alien Terileptils in the bakery at Pudding Lane, a dropped torch started a small fire during a struggle, causing a Terileptil energy weapon to overload and explode. The fire soon spread to the adjacent buildings. (The Visitation)

Or

Perhaps the Fourth Doctor had a hand in the Great Fire… As he and Sarah left the burning priory belonging to the Scarman family, he said he didn’t want to be blamed for starting a fire. ‘I had enough of that in 1666,’ he complained. (Pyramids of Mars)

THE MOVING EARTH

‘The TARDIS is still in the same place, but the Earth has gone. The entire planet. It’s gone.’

The Doctor, The Stolen Earth

The Earth has a habit of not staying in a fixed orbit

2009 – The Daleks dragged the Earth light years away to the Medusa Cascade where it and 26 other planets were used to power Davros’s Reality Bomb. After Davros’s defeat, the Doctor used the TARDIS to tow the planet back to its normal position in the Solar System. (The Stolen Earth / Journey’s End)

2157 – A near thing, but the Earth actually stayed put. The Daleks invaded Earth and used the world’s population as slave workers to mine the planetary core and replace it with a power system so they could pilot it around the universe. Thankfully the Doctor pitted his wits against them and defeated them – it’s only out of politeness that he didn’t stop to ask them why. (The Dalek Invasion of Earth)

2,000,000 – It isn’t just the Daleks that have a desire to get the keys to the planet and take it for a spin. To cover up an embarrassing theft of secrets from the Matrix, the Time Lords used a Magnetron to move Earth two light years away, destroying the surface in a firestorm, renamed it Ravolox, and hoped nobody would notice. (The Trial of a Time Lord: The Mysterious Planet)

c.5 billion – When solar flares finally forced the population to flee the Earth, the National Trust held back the expanding sun with gravity satellites to preserve the uninhabited planet for posterity. Once Earth was finally destroyed by the sun, New Earth was established in the M87 galaxy on a planet that had the same orbit and size as the original. Humans just hate change. (The Ark, The End of the World, New Earth, Gridlock)

TARDIS LOG

Roll up, roll up for a grand tour of the universe. Let us follow the footsteps of the Doctor as we visit the more notable celestial bodies, planets and moons that feature in the TV series. That madman in a box really gets around doesn’t he?

Skaro

Marinus

The Sense-Sphere

Dido

Vortis

Xeros

Aridius

Mechanus

Unnamed planet in Galaxy Four

Kembel

Desperus

Mira

Tigus

Kembel

Refusis II

Unnamed planet (The Savages)

Mondas

Vulcan

The Moon

Unnamed colony world (The Macra Terror)

Telos

Dulkis

Unnamed planet (The Krotons)

Ta

Unnamed planet (The War Games)

Gallifrey

Uxarieus

Peladon

Solos

Omega’s antimatter world

Inter Minor

Draconia

Ogron home world

Spiridon

Metebelis III

Exxilon

Voga

Zeta Minor

Mars

Oseidon

Karn

Kastria

Unnamed planet (The Face of Evil)

Unnamed planet (The Robots of Death)

Titan

Asteroid K4067 (the Bi-Al Foundation)

Pluto

P7E planetoid

Ribos

Zanak

Calufrax

Tara

Third moon of Delta Magna

Atrios

Zeos

Chloris

Skonnos

Crinoth

Argolis

Tigella

Zolfa-Thura

Alzarius

Unnamed planet (State of Decay)

Traken

Logopolis

Unnamed Phylox planet in Andromeda (Castrovalva)

Deva Loka

Manussa

The Eye of Orion

Frontios

Sarn

Androzani Minor

Androzani Major

Titan III

Jaconda

Varos

Karfel

Necros

Thoros Beta

Lakertya

Unnamed planet (Paradise Towers)

Toll Port G715

Svartos

Terra Alpha

Segonax

Unnamed planet of the Cheetah People (Survival)

New Earth

Krop Tor

Malcassairo

The Ood-Sphere

Messaline

The Library

Midnight

Shan Shen

Shadow Proclamation

San Helios

Alfava Metraxis

Planet One

Ember

Zaruthstra

Demon’s Run

Apalapucia

Calisto B

Tree farm planet (The Doctor, the Widow and the Wardrobe)

Vegas 12

Dalek Asylum

SOLAR SYSTEM STORIES

Doctor Who stories that take place in or around the planets of the Solar System.

* Although no stories are set on Venus, it has featured heavily in the mythos of Doctor Who. The popular Mars-Venus Games were broadcast across the Solar System in the year 4000 (The Daleks’ Master Plan). The First Doctor and Susan once saw the metal seas of Venus (Marco Polo). The Dalek alliance planned to conquer Venus (Mission to the Unknown). Mavic Chen ordered Carlton to take a party (of soldiers presumably) to Venus (The Daleks’ Master Plan). Duggan had floating flower seeds from Venus (The Wheel in Space). The Third Doctor knew Venusian measurements and proverbs (The Time Monster), said you should ‘never trust a Venusian shanghorn with a perigosto stick’ (The Green Death) and was well versed in Venusian aikido and lullabies. The Fourth Doctor had a pilot’s licence for the Mars-Venus rocket run (Robot). Venus was the first obstacle in the race for Enlightenment (Enlightenment). The Tenth Doctor had a toothbrush containing Venusian spearmint (The Shakespeare Code).

** Home planet of the Fendahl. The Time Lords placed the planet in a time loop, its existence wiped from history.

*** Uranus was the source of the rare mineral Taranium, mined by Guardian of the Solar system Mavic Chen to power the Daleks’ Time Destructor.

WELCOME TO GALLIFREY

‘Oh, you should have seen it, that old planet. The second sun would rise in the south, and the mountains would shine. The leaves on the trees were silver, and when they caught the light every morning, it looked like a forest on fire. When the autumn came, the breeze would blow through the branches like a song.’

The Doctor, Gridlock

The visitor’s guide to the Shining World of the Seven Systems.

LOCATION

The constellation of Kasterborous, some 250 million light years from Earth

Nowhere near Ireland

10-0-11-00 by 02 from Galactic Zero Centre

PLANET

At least twice the size of Earth

Orange-tinted atmosphere

Twin suns

FLORA & FAUNA

Silver-leaved trees

Flutterwing (a flying insect)

Mice

Cats

Small fuzzy creatures, no bigger than a thumbnail, live in the snow of Gallifrey’s mountains. These Plungbolls cling to any source of heat and can only be removed by anti-Plungboll spray. According to the radio series The Paradise of Death, anyway.

NEIGHBOURING WORLDS

Karn and the Five Planets (well, a couple of million parsecs away at least)

ECONOMY

Considered Grade Three in market surveys due to low potential of commercial development

LANDMARKS

The Capitol or Citadel of the Time Lords, located on the Continent of Wild Endeavour in the Mountains of Solace and Solitude

The Tower of Rassilon, found in the Death Zone

Mount Perdition, the red grass-lined childhood home of notorious Gallifreyan criminal, the Master

SOCIAL SERVICES

Maternity service, recognised by the sign of the crossed computers

Bureau of Ancient Records, former employer of President Romanadvoratrelundar

POPULATION

The Lords of Time – aristocratic rulers and temporal engineers

Outsiders – Gallifreyans who lived in the plains outside the Time Lord Capitol, choosing a primitive existence, hunting for food with simple bows and arrows

Shobogans – Gallifreyan vandals, the blight of the Chancellery Guard

NOTABLE TIME LORDS

Rassilon played by Richard Mathews and Timothy Dalton

Engineer and architect. Founded Time Lord society. Mostly regarded as a hero but considered a tyrant by his opponents. Was resurrected to lead his Time Lord descendants in the fight against the Daleks in the Last Great Time War. Willing to create a paradox so strong that all creation would be destroyed and the Time Lords would elevate to beings of higher consciousness. Completely bonkers.

Omegaplayed by Ian Collier, Stephen Thorne and Peter Davison The father of Gallifreyan time travel. As Rassilon’s Solar Engineer, Omega piloted a ship into the heart of a nearby sun, transforming it into a black hole that was harnessed using the Eye of Harmony to power Gallifrey’s mastery over time. Thought lost in the initial supernova, Omega was revered. In reality was lost in an anti-matter universe where he spent millennia plotting his revenge. Completely bonkers.

Borusa played by John Arnatt, Angus MacKay, Leonard Sachs and Philip Latham

The Doctor’s tutor at the Time Lord Academy and later Lord President of Gallifrey. Strict but possessing a keen mind, Borusa would ultimately be corrupted by his high office. Longing for immortality so he could rule Gallifrey as President Eternal, risked the planet’s safety by opening the long-forbidden Death Zone and forcing four of the Doctor’s incarnations to search for the fabled Ring of Rassilon. Achieved his goal when he was trapped for all time as a statue in the Tomb of Rassilon. Completely bonkers.

The Master played by Roger Delgado, Peter Pratt, Geoffrey Beevers, Anthony Ainley, Gordon Tipple, Eric Roberts, Derek Jacobi, John Simm and William Hughes

The Doctor’s best enemy. As friends since childhood, the two Time Lords attended the Academy together but would follow very different paths. Whereas the Doctor left Gallifrey to explore and help the people of the universe, the Master left to enslave others to his will. An expert at mesmerism and disguise, the Master was driven mad the day he was made to stare into the Untempered Schism. From that day on, the Master would endure the constant sound of drumming in his mind. He would later learn that Rassilon himself was responsible for his unending torment and that from birth he was destined to aid Gallifrey’s return from the Time War. Completely bonkers (and then some).

The Rani played by Kate O’Mara

Born the same year as the Doctor, the Rani was exiled from Gallifrey after accidentally accelerating the growth patterns of her laboratory mice. The now monstrous-sized rodents rampaged through the Capitol, eating the President’s cat and mauling the Lord President himself. A brilliant if amoral scientist, the Rani conquered Miasimia Goria, but her experiments on its populous removed their ability to enter R.E.M. sleep. Later, she conquered the peaceful world of Lakertya with a mercenary band of Tetraps from the planet Tetrapyriarbus. Completely bonkers.

The War Chief played by Edward Brayshaw

Leaving Gallifrey long after the Doctor, the War Chief allied himself with the War Lords. Now armed with the power of time travel the warmongers kidnapped soldiers from various points in Earth’s history, pitting them against each other. The victors would then be recruited as an army against the rest of the galaxy. He was killed by the War Lords when they uncovered his plot to overthrow them. Completely bonkers.

The Monk played by Peter Butterworth

Whereas Time Lords such as the Master or the War Chief lusted after power, the Monk simply wanted to meddle. The Doctor first encountered him attempting to prevent the Norman conquest of 1066. He then planned to provide King Harold with anachronistic technology so by the time Shakespeare wrote Hamlet, the tragedy appeared on television rather than the stage. He honestly believed Harold would make a better king so you could argue that his heart was in the right place, even if his motives were flawed. After foolishly teaming up with the Daleks, the Monk was stranded on a frozen planet by the Doctor. Not so much bonkers, just mischievous.

THE MASTER MAD-O-METER

To the Doctor, the Master is the quintessence of evil, to Rassilon, he’s Gallifrey’s most infamous child. To the Rani, however, he was an asinine cretin. But just how potty were his nefarious plans?

Terror of the Autons – Plans to take over the world using a Nestene energy unit, troll dolls, plastic chairs and a few fake daffodils.

Mad rating: 2

The Mind of Evil – Disguises himself as Professor Emil Keller, uses an alien mind parasite to control inmates of Stangmoor Prison so he can steal a Thunderbolt missile, blow up a peace conference and bring about World War III.

Mad rating: 3

The Claws of Axos – In return for his life, plans to serve Earth up on a plate to the energy-vampire Axos.

Mad rating: 1

Colony in Space – Posing as Earth Adjudicator, plans to steal the Uxariean Doomsday Weapon, which he can use in an almighty protection racket.

Mad rating: 2

The Daemons – Masquerading as Mr Magister, a local Anglican vicar, forms a cult and summons a giant horned alien in the crypt of a village church in order to receive vast cosmic powers.

Mad rating: 2

The Sea Devils – While pretending to languish at Her Majesty’s pleasure, steals Navy equipment to revive a Sea Devil colony which he will use to take over the world.

Mad rating: 1

The Time Monster – Assumes the role of Professor Thascales to build Transmission Of Matter Through Interstitial Time (or TOMTIT machine). Uses it to try and control the powerful, pan-dimensional entity known as Kronos.

Mad rating: 2

Frontier in Space – provokes a devastating interplanetary war between the Draconian and Earth empires so his allies, the Daleks, can easily invade. Hopes to rule Earth in their name, at least.

Mad rating: 1

The Deadly Assassin – Nothing more than a rotting corpse at the end of his regenerative cycle, works to place a puppet President in the highest office on Gallifrey so he can use the power of the Eye of Harmony to prolong his life.

Mad rating: 2

The Keeper of Traken – Still nothing more than a rotting corpse at the end of his regenerative cycle, works to place a puppet Keeper in the highest office on Traken so he can use the power of the Source to prolong his life.

Mad rating: 2

Logopolis – Starts randomly killing the mathematicians who are holding the universe together with their calculations, thus causing creation to start unravelling. Then tries to hold the entire cosmos to ransom. With a walkman.

Mad rating: 3

Castrovalva – Sends the TARDIS screaming back to the Big Bang where it will be utterly destroyed. Just in case it isn’t utterly destroyed, also kidnaps Adric and sets up Castrovalva, an artificial and fully recursive city to finally ensnare the Doctor forever. The ultimate Plan B.

Mad rating: 3

Time-Flight – Escapes Castrovalva, but gets stranded on prehistoric Earth, his TARDIS’s dynomorphic generator exhausted. Disguises himself as an alien called Kalid and tries to replace his TARDIS’s generators with a powerful alien known as the Xeraphin.

Mad rating: 2

The King’s Demons – Posing as a French swordsman, tries to stop the signing of the Magna Carta by means of a shape-shifting android and a dodgy accent.

Mad rating: 1

The Five Doctors – Forced into rescuing the Doctor(s) from the Death Zone, thinks on the hoof and tries to claim immortality from Rassilon.

Mad rating: 1

Planet of Fire – After accidentally shrinking himself to hamster size, seizes control of former slave Kamelion so that he can hijack the TARDIS and restore himself in the Numismaton gas of the planet Sarn.

Mad rating: 2

The Mark of the Rani – Teams ups with the Rani to accelerate the Industrial Revolution, but instead larks around disguised as Worzel Gummidge.

Mad rating: 3

The Trial of a Time Lord: The Ultimate Foe – Sits down and watches a courtroom drama for 12 episodes then steps in when he realises that the Valeyard, the distillation of everything evil in the Doctor, might win and wipe the floor with him.

Mad rating: 1

Survival – Trapped on an alien planet and slowly mutating into a Cheetah Person, uses dimension-hopping black cats to send Cheetah People to Earth to bring back humans who will turn into Cheetah people and transport him back to Earth.

Mad rating: 3

Doctor Who – Seemingly exterminated by the Daleks, tricks the Doctor into taking his mortal remains back to Gallifrey, morphs into an alien death-snake thing, takes over the corpse of an ambulance driver and opens the Eye of Harmony so he can steal the Doctor’s remaining regenerations, nearly destroying the Earth in the process.

Mad rating: 2

Utopia – Wipes his own memory and disguises himself as a human to escape the horrors of the Time War. As plans go, we can’t argue with it.

Mad rating: 0

The Sound of Drums – Worms his way into politics, becomes Prime Minister, fakes first contact with an alien race, kills the President of the United States, and, using the Doctor’s TARDIS to stabilise a massive paradox, becomes supreme ruler of Earth.

Mad rating: 3

The End of Time – Uses the Immortality Gate to turn every human into a perfect copy of himself and unexpectedly brings Gallifrey back from the Time War.

Mad rating: 2

THE THINGS OF RASSILON AND OTHER GALLIFREYAN STUFF

An awful lot of Gallifreyan artefacts seem to have been named after the founder of Time Lord society. Here’s the complete list so far, although for all we know there could be the cheese-grater of Rassilon hidden somewhere in the Panopticon.

The Black Scrolls of Rassilon – Forbidden knowledge from the Dark Time of Gallifrey. (The Five Doctors)

The Circlet of Rassilon – Used to access the Matrix, the repository of all Time Lord knowledge. (The Invasion of Time)

The Coronet of Rassilon – Enabled the wearer to control the minds of others. (The Five Doctors)

The Great Key of Rassilon – Activated the De-Mat gun, Gallifrey’s ultimate weapon. (The Invasion of Time)

The Gauntlet of Rassilon – A large metal glove worn by the resurrected Rassilon capable of disintegrating living matter. (The End of Time)

The Harp of Rassilon – The key to a secret Time Scoop chamber in the chambers of the High Council. (The Five Doctors)

The Key of Rassilon – Allowed Time Lords to physically enter the Matrix. Rassilon clearly liked a good key. (The Trial of a Time Lord: The Ultimate Foe)

The Record of Rassilon – Rassilon’s own chronicle of the war against the Vampires. A copy was kept on all Type 40 TARDISes. (State of Decay)

The Ring of Rassilon – Bestowed the wearer with the gift – or rather, the curse – of immortality. (The Five Doctors)

The Rod of Rassilon – An ebonite staff held by the Time Lord President. Could also be used to activate the Eye of Harmony which was located beneath the Panopticon. Also, confusingly, known as the Great Key. (The Deadly Assassin, The Invasion of Time)

The Sash of Rassilon – The Presidential chain of office. Could also protect the wearer against the forces of the Eye of Harmony. (The Deadly Assassin)

The Seal of Rassilon – The seal of the High Council and universal crest of the Time Lords. (Various)

The Tomb of Rassilon – The final resting place of the first Time Lord president. (The Five Doctors)

Other Time Lord artefacts:

The Hand of Omega – Omega’s remote stellar manipulator that created the Black Hole that powered Rassilon’s time-travel experiments. (Remembrance of the Daleks)

The Genesis Ark – A dimensionally transcendental prison used to incarcerate millions of Daleks. (Doomsday)

Validium – Living metal created by Rassilon and Omega to defend Gallifrey. (Silver Nemesis)

The Untempered Schism – A controlled opening in the very fabric of time and space. Gallifreyan children wanting to enter the Time Lord Academy stared into the Schism as a test of their strength and sanity. Billions of year’s exposure to the vortex through the Schism gave the Time Lords the ability to regenerate. (The Sound of Drums, A Good Man Goes to War)

GALLIFREYAN BEDTIME CLASSICS THE DOCTOR ENJOYED AS A TIME TOT

Blind Fury

The Three Little Sontarans

The Emperor Dalek’s New Clothes

Snow White and the Seven Keys to Doomsday

THE TIME LORD PRESIDENTIAL CODE

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THE INAUGURATION PLEDGE OF THE TIME LORD PRESIDENT

Gold Usher: Do you swear to uphold the laws of Gallifrey?

President: I swear.

Gold Usher: Do you swear to follow in the wisdom of Rassilon?

President: I swear.

Gold Usher: Do you swear to protect the law and the wisdom?

President: I swear.

Gold Usher: I invest you Lord President of the Supreme Council. I wish you good fortune and strength. I give you the Matrix.

PLANETS ATTACKED BY THE DALEKS

Invading planets is in the Daleks’ DNA – literally. Here are the notable worlds that they’ve tried to get their plungers on, on TV and beyond…