Текст книги "Surviving Skarr"

Автор книги: Ruby Dixon

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Chapter Twenty

VIVI

Gail makes it clear that I’m welcome to stick to her side all day, and that she’ll introduce me to people without pressuring me to converse. She has a sweet, easygoing personality and I immediately trust her. It makes the day not terrible, sitting at her side and learning how to patch clothing with a bone awl and cord made from sinew. Gail chats with everyone, giving people my name so I can meet them and then immediately turning the conversation so I don’t feel on the spot.

Everyone else in the tribe seems pretty nice, too. There are a lot of babies and a fair amount of stern-looking, very tall blue aliens, but Gail reassures me that they are all kinder than they look, and I see more than one cuddling a baby or playing with a child, which eases my anxiety. The most intimidating one is actually a bossy blonde named Liz who seems to give everyone shit. She follows I’rec around, teasing him about “taters” or something, and I’rec does his best to ignore her.

I try to avoid her entirely, because I don’t think I can handle someone teasing me. I’m sure it’s meant in fun, but even so, I want no part of it.

Gail’s mate Vaza is an older male with deep blue skin, and their son has four arms and does not look even slightly human. I don’t ask about it. It’s clear they both love him and they are very much a family. Gail showers them both with kisses when they return, and when the little boy proudly holds up a dead animal he hunted, she exclaims over it as if he’s brought her diamonds. It’s cute.

But then more people start to trickle in toward the fire, hunters returning from their treks. It gets crowded and noisy, people talking over each other. A big alien with four arms kisses his mate and child and then immediately starts to butcher a large animal nearby, which makes several of the newcomers retreat. I stay where I am, pulling another stitch through the tunic Gail is helping me with. I can manage, I pep talk myself. It’s not so bad being around a bunch of people who all know each other and are all nice enough. They will be my new family. I can handle this. I can.

Then I feel it.

My khui hums in my chest, the song picking up. The dragon flies overhead, and I catch a glimpse of green on his back. Just Skarr being this close is enough for my chest to burst into song, and I notice the woman sitting next to me eyeing me with curiosity.

I get up and set the sewing in the basket, stepping over someone and retreating before Skarr can return to camp.

“You okay?” Gail asks me, noting my attempts to extricate myself from the group.

My fingers go to my brow and I don’t stop moving. “Headache, going to lie down.”

I am such a chicken.

It’s just…after last night, I’m not sure I’m ready to talk to him. I’m definitely not ready to have a confrontation in front of all of the others, and I know Skarr likes to pose and preen in front of them. What if he tries to talk about kissing and me grabbing him around the fire? I will die. I will just simply die. Wither into a ball of humiliation and die.

Let him come and seek me out so we can talk in private.

I sit near the entrance of the tent the newcomer women are sleeping in. There was a cave offered, but since the men didn’t want to sleep “together” it was considered better that the males take it rather than setting up multiple tents for singular people. In the cave they can spread out and beat their chests to their hearts’ content while the women more or less have a cuddle-puddle to share warmth.

Or you could be like me and end up sprawled over their feet in the morning.

Time passes, and my khui hums stronger, and I know Skarr must be close. I can hear the others laughing and talking by the fire. The suns go down and it gets dark, and still Skarr doesn’t come. I yawn and curl up in the blankets, and I must doze off because when I wake up, Colleen and Isadora are crawling into bed, and it’s late.

Skarr didn’t come to talk to me.

Well…fine. I didn’t want to talk to him, either.

The next few days feel agonizingly slow.

I sleep fitfully each night, piled in with the other women sharing blankets. It’s innocent enough, but my dreams are full of Skarr and I wake up throbbing and yearning. The last thing I want is another woman snuggled up against my back when my khui is humming out of control. When I’m not dreaming about Skarr, I’m tending to fires or fishing in the woods, talking to a person I can’t see. My surroundings are full of mountains and tall green trees, and I wear black waders with the pants and boots built into a float at the waist. We laugh at how ugly my pants are, but that the color is a good choice because I always wear black.

Those dreams are always more disturbing than the ones about Skarr, because I wake up aching and missing the person in my dreams. I think it’s my father, but I never see his face or remember his name. Just that I loved him.

The days are not much better than my troubling nights. Skarr keeps away from the main camp, and because the other women are sticking close, I do, too. Gail, Flor, and the other women who have been here a while take time each day to try and show us skills—how to skin a dead animal, how to butcher it, how to make food over the fire with the tripod bags and hot stones that are slipped inside the bag to warm the contents. There’s sewing and the making of clothes, since we’ll be in charge of dressing ourselves. There are skins to be worked, fish to be gutted, seaweed to be dried, roots and herbs to be collected. It’s an exhaustive, never-ending list, but the women here support each other and tackle the chores as they come. No one is expected to be superhuman or skilled, just to give it their best effort.

So I do my best to learn everything that’s put in front of me. I sew an ugly tunic for myself that fits and is warm. I help cook food and gather herbs and roots. Instinct takes over and I seem to already know how to scale and gut a fish, and one day I get stuck gutting everyone’s fish, which isn’t my favorite, but at least no one tries to approach me and make conversation.

I’m still not comfortable speaking. They all yet feel like strangers.

Skarr is avoiding me, too, I think. If resonance keeps him up at night, he doesn’t show it. He’s up bright and early, going hunting or working on his “secret project” with Jason and Ashtar. He doesn’t come near the fire when I’m there, and at night, when a large group gathers to tell stories, share food, and enjoy company, I retreat to give him a chance to talk to me privately.

He never seeks me out, though. He never comes looking for me, and it bothers me. Am I the only one being woken up with wet dreams? Does he not get hit out of the blue in the middle of the day with need so strong that it makes his limbs shake?

Is he not troubled by resonance at all? Or is he tired of pursuing me?

I could go after him, of course. Demand that he sit down somewhere quiet and talk to me. I could make the first move.

In theory, anyhow. In reality, I’m too tongue-tied. Every time the idea of talking to him crosses my mind, I think about how I grabbed his privates and then ran like a virgin. Maybe there weren’t two. Maybe he was just really big and I mistook girth for two dicks. I obsess over that moment.

Okay, to be fair, I obsess over every moment as I work. I play our conversations back in my head and scan the beach for him even though I tell myself I’m not interested. That I’m going to talk to the healer about shutting things off any day now. That I don’t want him. Or babies. Or resonance.

Truth of the matter is, though…I don’t dislike Skarr.

He’s a blowhard, yes. A braggart and a bit too enthusiastic about violence. He loves attention. We’re complete opposites in that respect. But he’s never been openly unkind to me, just clueless. He’s taken care of me in the past and tried in his own way to be caring.

So no, I’m not as horrified as I was about resonating to him. It just feels complicated, especially after I ran.

Three days pass. Then three days more. Skarr continues to move in different circles than me. We don’t run into each other on the beach.

And all the while, my dreams get filthier and filthier.

After a week of avoiding each other, I wake up just before dawn, aching and aroused. In my dreams, Skarr opened his pants to reveal a line of cocks going down his leg, and I rode every single one of them. It’s a ridiculous, stupid dream that shouldn’t make me wet, but it does. My khui throbs and hums constantly, and I know it’s not helping. I get to my feet and put on my shoes, but when I come out of the tent and see a cluster of people by the fire, I don’t want to join them.

I don’t want to sit by the fire today. Or anyone, today. I just want to be left alone.

So I move to the first person I see that’s preparing to go out hunting. It’s Penny and her big mate, S’bren. She’s got snowshoes in one hand and a spear in another, watching as S’bren straps their toddler into a carrier on his chest. I tap her on the shoulder and give an anxious smile of greeting. “Hi. Do you know if anyone has skis I can borrow?”

Penny blinks at me in surprise. “Skis?”

“Yes. Skis.” I keep my voice casual, as if it’s no big deal to ask for something so I can go off wandering the hills by myself. I’m not worried about danger. I can take care of myself, and in one of my dreams I’d been cross-country skiing through those mountains I’ve dreamed about. “It’s something I’ve done before. I’ll be fine.”

But Penny just gives me a long, thoughtful stare. “Skis.”

“Yes.” Why is this a big deal?

She turns toward Harlow—the freckled redhead—who is beside the fire. “Why don’t we have skis?”

“Skis?” Harlow seems just as surprised.

“Does no one here ski?” I ask in a timid voice. “I thought since there were snowy mountains…”

Penny turns back to me and gives a helpless shrug. “I think most of us are from the south or not sporty. No one has skis.”

Well, that seems rather ridiculous to me. “Oh. I can make some.”

Harlow moves toward us, a thoughtful look on her face. Nadine—one of the women here and a hunter on her own—also seems interested. “I think Liz probably tried to make skis once but no one had any skill with them,” Harlow continues. “But it wouldn’t hurt for us to learn if you know how to use them.”

I just nod.

Nadine wiggles her eyebrows at me. “I am all about some ski action. Can I help?”

“Sure.” I smile at her. Maybe this is what I need—a distraction from Skarr and his avoidance of me. A new task to keep me busy and out of camp so I don’t feel the ache of him missing.

After all, it’s silly to miss someone that’s been thrown at you. I should be glad that he’s not here.

Chapter Twenty-One

VIVI

“We might have to try a few different sorts of materials before we find the right one,” Nadine says to me as we hike through the snows. Her dark skin glows against her pale leathers, and she looks radiant with excitement. “I’ve got three different things in mind at the moment, so we can gather a little of everything and experiment.”

We’re at the rocky base of the mountains a few hours away from camp, and the landscape changes dramatically, just as I remember. The cove of the beach is protected by high cliffs, but once you get past those, the cliffs continue to scale up and up, the snows growing deeper and the winds more bitter as you get to the base of the mountains proper. I’m starting to get used to the cold weather, and thanks to the khui and my new, better-fitting clothing, it just feels brisk and refreshing instead of life-ending.

It’s so nice to be away from the camp, too. Everyone has been lovely and so helpful, and I’m glad we’re at the village instead of living alone in the mountains. I’m not ungrateful, but the introvert in me loves the peace and quiet of this particular day.

Going out with Nadine also shows me that a competent woman is trusted out on her own. I wasn’t sure, because some of the men have been extremely protective of their wives, but this morning, Nadine twisted her thick hair into a knot at her nape, handed her baby to her mate, gave them both a kiss, and then headed off with me, no questions asked. It’s clear she knows her way around the mountain trails, too. She uses the end of her spear like a walking stick and pokes at drifts before she steps forward, and her pack is full of supplies in case we get into trouble—rope, extra knives, fire-starters, and food. She also knows the locations of things called “hunter caves.” From the sound of it, they’re safe “pit stops” where extra food and weapons are kept in case someone’s stranded in bad weather.

It’s all practical and smart and feels vaguely familiar, and I wonder if I grew up with someone that practiced this sort of thing. A survivalist. An image of my father flashes through my mind again—sandy hair and dark eyes, pointing out tracks in the mud and joking about the number of flies caught on the fly paper in the cabin.

It fits. A survivalist. Today though, the strange bits of memory don’t make me sad. They feel comfortable, like a favorite shirt.

Nadine leads me along the paths through the cliffs, pointing out landmarks so I can tell where I’m going in the future. I have no doubt I’ll be doing this on my own soon enough. I can’t wait to go out and have a peaceful day alone in the snows, enjoying the beauty of nature before I have to return to the noisy hubbub of camp.

“We’re going to head to a spring first,” Nadine tells me as we hike along. “There’s these fish that have lightweight but really hard reeds on their heads. Devi says it’s some sort of cousin to keratin, like your fingernails or a horse’s hooves, and if those will work, it’ll be easy to get everyone outfitted in skis. I figure if nothing else, we can use them for ski poles. You’ll know we’re getting close to the spring when you smell it.”

“Smell it?” I ask, curious as I step into the tracked path she’s made for me.

“Oh yeah. This planet is full of volcanic activity—again, Devi’s theory—and there are a lot of hot springs.” She flutters a hand under her nose. “Smells like rotten eggs, but the water’s toasty warm and nice to bathe in.”

How fascinating. I’m intrigued at the prospect. “Are there a lot of earthquakes, then?”

“Not so much, though a volcano did blow not long after we first arrived. Flooded the beach for a few days and then rained ash on us for a month.” She gives me a wry look. “You’re going to find most of the explosions happen between people, though.”

“People?”

“Well, it’s a small beach and a lot of big personalities,” she says with a laugh, picking her way forward through a patch of deeper snow. “And then of course, there’s always resonance. Speaking of which…how’s it going for you, if you don’t mind me asking? You look like you’re not sleeping well.”

She says it with such a friendly, offhand tone that I don’t take offense. I knew it was bound to come up. How can it not? Like she said, it’s a small beach. Even if I’m quiet about the situation, I am guessing Skarr is very much not quiet. “I am not, no.”

“Resonance is hard,” she agrees, not looking back at me but studying the landscape instead. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s also delightful, and the babies are amazing, but it still fucks your shit up. Instead of a ‘me’ you become a ‘we’ overnight.”

I grimace at the thought. “I noticed. It doesn’t matter if we’re together or not, everyone pairs Skarr with me in their minds, as if it’s already decided.”

It’s come up in conversation a few times, and people have mentioned us like we’re a couple.

“Look at it from their perspective. In this generation, resonance does decide. Everyone pairs up happily. I’m told that it wasn’t like that in the past, and the stories of Rukh and Raahosh’s father and mother – and how much they hated each other – are legendary. But for the most part? In these people’s eyes, a resonated couple is a happy couple. But I wanted you to know that you’re not trapped.”

Strangely enough, her words choke me up, and a knot forms in my throat, hard to talk around. “I’m not?”

“You’re not,” she says firmly. “Resonance is a force of nature. I’m not telling you what to do, but if you hate Skarr and can’t stand the thought of being with him, you get a little drunk, you have a night of the worst sex ever, and then you go on with your life. We’ve all had a heinous one-night stand that we regretted in the past, but you don’t have to shack up with the guy. If you can’t get along, as long as you can co-parent, no one will blame you if you go your separate ways.”

I stare at her back. “You make it sound so easy.”

She laughs, stabbing at another drift of snow and then skirting around it, gesturing that I should do the same. “Oh, it’s not. It’s not easy at all. There’s a baby involved, and I know how overwhelming resonance can feel. It’s just that everyone’s painting you one specific picture, and I’m letting you know that you can make your own future. It can be what you need it to be, as long as you fulfill resonance.”

“Or get the healer to turn it off.”

That makes Nadine stop. She turns and gives me a long look. “I’m not pro-resonance or trying to talk you into anything, but I did see what happened to Mari when she had Veronica shut off her resonance. She was like a zombie. Well, not completely. Just totally out of it, like she was numb. No one should have to go through life like that. If you’re totally opposed to being a mom, there are other people here that would happily raise your kid, no questions asked. If you don’t want to stay with this tribe because Skarr is here, there’s another one farther inland. I’m not here to talk you into anything one way or another. You get to make your choices, okay? I’m just being a friend and letting you know that you don’t have to have the white picket fence like everyone thinks you do.”

I manage a wry smile. “A picket fence would look stupid on the beach.”

She snorts with amusement. “Yeah, it would. Come on, our stream isn’t too far ahead. We’ll start to smell it when we go around that ridge.”

Nodding, I follow after her when she starts again. “I appreciate the talk. It’s just a lot to think through. And…I know he can be difficult, but I don’t hate Skarr.”

“Girl, you don’t have to tell me about difficult, obnoxious men. Have you met Thrand?”

I pause. “I actually don’t think I have.”

“Well,” she drawls. “He is a piece of work. And I say that with love as his mate. Let me tell you about the time he—oh, tracks. Hang on.”

She crouches in the snow to examine a line of tracks nearby, and I do the same, wanting to learn. To my surprise, they’re the same tracks I saw from before—the drag on one side, and the big paws on the other.

The wounded snow-cat is here. It’s following us.

Chapter Twenty-Two

SKARR

I take a few steps back and admire my handiwork in the late afternoon sunlight. It is a good hut, I decide.

No, it is the best hut. Because Vivi deserves the best.

I have worked hard to make this the perfect home for her. I know she does not like to be in the thick of things, so I have made her hut at the far edges of the group, at the farthest end of the cliffs. The door is facing toward the cliff, as well, so anyone that comes in will have to circle the platform to approach. Ashtar thought this was odd, but I like it. It adds a level of privacy for my Vivi that I know she will appreciate. The roof is tall and well-angled so the smoke can escape out the hole at the top, and the floor is made with the smoothest rocks I could find, joined together with the mortar that Jason helped create out of sand, seashells, and clay. The interior has a large dip in the center for a firepit, lined with more rocks, and the walls are bricked together with more mortar and smaller rocks in a repeating pattern. I do not have furs or goods for Vivi to put inside yet, but Ashtar says the tribe has more than enough and she can pick out her own.

I am eager to show it to her. I hope…I hope it makes her like me despite the fact that my body is different than hers. I’rec says human females like presents, and I hope she likes this.

I adjust the covering over the door one more time and then step down from the stone platform and onto the beach sands. This end of the beach is quiet, but the main tribal sprawl is farther ahead. Vivi will be there, spending her time around the fire and absorbing information. She is so clever, to learn as much as she can from the others. Perhaps if I did the same, she would look upon me with interest.

But I know she is avoiding me. I am not stupid. She has made it clear that my presence offends her, and so I have tried to give her space. Tried to keep my focus on the hut I have been making for her, because being near her and not being able to touch her is maddening.

Vivi’s kisses have made everything worse. Before, I knew that touching her would be pleasant, but I did not realize how much I would need her. How much I’d crave her mouth on mine again. Now I know what she feels like when she rubs up against me, and what her lips taste like. It has made fighting resonance that much more difficult.

I hope with the gift of the hut…I hope we can start over, or that she can get past the offense that my body creates in her. I might be tall and strong, but I also have two cocks, and this, Jason assures me, is why she panicked. She is clearly appalled and disgusted.

Rubbing my chest, I decide it is time. Time to give Vivi her gift. I head down the sandy beach, feeling the thrum of my khui in there. It grew quiet earlier, sending me into a panic until the a’ani Thrand mentioned that Vivi had gone hunting with his mate Nadine. She must have been out of range, but she is back now, because my chest is full of song once more. I head toward the fire, ready to confront the strongest, most perfect of females and to demand—no, ask—that she be mine.

This section of the beach is full of activity. There are females showing others how to sew leathers, and another is mixing a smelly dye concoction over a small fire. The main fire has food cooking and many people around it. Sabrina is deep in conversation with I’rec, Kyth standing near her. Valmir and Chalath are discussing weapons with Vordis and Raahosh. Two males skin their catches and show children how to butcher them, and someone else is laying seaweed out to dry on a rack. Everywhere here, people are laughing and talking, chatting despite their chores.

I do not see Vivi, but then again, she would not be in the thick of things. It is not her way.

So I head through the thick of things, not stopping to join the weapons conversation (though I would love to) or to pause to eat a quick meal by the main fire. I do not stop to tell I’rec that I have made the best hut, though I know I have. I do not challenge any males to a skirmish, though I know Valmir is itching for a fight. Vivi is the most important thing.

There, at the far end of camp, past the latrine huts and near the tiny cave where B’shit does pottery, my beautiful, strong mate is talking with a dark-skinned female. Thrand’s mate. They test the bend of long, pipe-like reeds and gesture at the length. Her back is to me, and she has not noticed my approach.

I stride boldly forward, my khui’s song loud and intense. “I must speak to the best female on the planet.”

Vivi stiffens, and Nadine hides a smile. My mate turns to look at me, a betrayed look on her face. “I’m busy, Skarr.”

“It’s all right,” Nadine says, putting the pole back in its place against the rocky cliff once more. “I should be getting back to Thrand and Deenie. Can you put these in the cave when you’re done looking at them? We can regroup in the morning.”

She nods at Nadine, not making eye contact with me as the other woman strides away. This is not how I’d hoped my approach would be welcomed, but it is also not surprising. Vivi is displeased with me, and this just confirms it. I do not please her as a mate, and the realization is crushing. I do not understand it. I am an excellent fighter and I know I will be among the best of the hunters. Yet she still does not want me. It fills me with despair.

Vivi puts the reeds back in place and gives me a wary look. “Do you have to do that?”

I am puzzled. “Do what?”

“Keep going on and on about how I’m the best female ever? To everyone?”

This offends her? “But why wouldn’t I? They should know how amazing you are.”

“I’m not amazing!” She makes a frustrated sound. “Why do you keep saying that?”

“Because it is obvious you are! If they do not see that, then they are fools.”

She smacks a hand to her forehead. “You going around and saying shit like that is going to make everyone look at me funny.”

“Then let them look! What does it matter?”

“It matters to me!”

“Why?”

She pauses and stares at me, as if the answer should be obvious. But it is not, not to me, so I gesture for her to explain. Vivi sputters, gesticulating. “I…I don’t know! I don’t like attention!”

“Why?” I prompt again.

“Because….because I don’t know who I am,” she replies after a moment. “Because they’ll see me as a fraud. You keep saying I’m amazing and when I’m not, they’ll make fun of me.”

“No they won’t. They will mock me, not you, if they think I am wrong.” I shrug. “And I will not care, because I know I am right. To me, you are the most incredible female, with a sharp mind, a lovely body, and a strong spirit. No one can convince me otherwise.”

Her shoulders sag and she sighs. “Oh, Skarr.”

That sounded…oddly sad, and the last thing I wish is to make her sad. “Come with me,” I say, waving her forward. “I wish to show you something.”

Vivi’s expression changes to one of skepticism, and she shakes her head, turning back to the poles. She lines them up against the rocks, pretending to be busy. “Why should I? After you’ve ignored me for days?”

My chest puffs up with pride. So she did see I was avoiding her? “You noticed my absence?”

Running her fingernail along a hairline crack, she pulls one pole to the side and barely glances at me, and yet I can tell I have her full attention. She is just pretending not to be affected by me. It is a feint, a fantastic strategy to lure in an opponent. Or it would be if her khui was not singing to mine so boldly.

Vivi rubs her chest, as if coming to the same realization, and frowns over at me. “Of course I noticed. I notice everything you do. We’re resonating. I was just waiting for you to come and talk to me in private.” Her gaze flicks to mine, accusing. “And you never did.”

Wait.

She wanted my attention?

I am stunned. How could I have misread her signals so badly? “I did not know, Vivi. I thought you wanted me to leave you alone.”

She gives up any pretense of selecting the poles and turns to face me. “How could you not know what I wanted, Skarr? I’ve told you over and over how much I like privacy. How much I hate it when you bring things up in front of everyone. Why would you think I’d want to talk to you in front of everyone? I left each time you came to the fire so we could talk. So you could come to me.”

“I…I…” I trail off, speechless.

I am stunned. I pride myself on my cleverness, and yet I have missed this entirely. I thought she wished for me to leave her alone because I was not worthy of her attentions. That I should work harder to become worthy.

But we have clearly misunderstood each other and in doing so, I have wounded her. Made her think I did not care.

“Vivi,” I breathe. “Do not think that I avoided you because I wished to. It was agony to know you were close by and that I should stay away. It is just…” I dig my hands in my hair, frustrated. “I know how to please a crowd, yes? I know how to make the audience get on my side. And I know one of the biggest things is that when the crowd is turning against you, you lay low. You make yourself scarce until you can return with something that will impress them and bring them back to your side.”

She crosses her arms over her chest, her expression vulnerable.

“I do not know how to please a female, to please you. That much is obvious. So I have fallen back on my training. I have approached you—us—as if you were a tournament battle. I thought if, perhaps, I was not around, you would forget why you hated me until I returned—”

“I don’t hate you. Why does everyone think I hate you?”

I grin, hiding behind cocky words. “Because you do not swoon in my arms?”

Vivi rolls her eyes and gives me an annoyed look. “Remember what I said about everyone being in our business? This is why I hate it.”

I don’t point out that she ran away from me. It seems not wise to point that out in this moment. “Well, I am here now, and I have returned with something I wish to show you.” I reach out and take her hand in mine. “May I please show you?”

“You don’t have to bribe me. Just talk to me.” Her expression is soft now as she leans in toward me. “You and I probably have a lot of talking we need to do.”

“Talk. Yes. Talk is good.” I tug on her hand. “But may I show you first?”

“Show me what?”

I grin, delighted. I know she will love this. It will make her realize what a good mate I will be for her. I cannot wait to show her the new hut. “Come. I will lead you.”