Текст книги "Hidden in Lies"
Автор книги: Rachael Duncan
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Текущая страница: 12 (всего у книги 14 страниц)
Tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, I say, “Thanks. What about you?”
“What about me?”
“You know that I have an endless array of useless knowledge stuck in my brain that will come in handy at no point in my life, so tell me something about you.”
He rubs the back of his neck, clearly uncomfortable with the attention being directed to him. “There’s really not much to tell. I’ve had a pretty boring life.”
I scoff. “I’m sure it’s been completely uneventful,” I say sarcastically. “What made you join the military?” If he won’t tell me something, then I’ll just start asking questions.
“Nine-eleven. I wanted to make those bastards pay and ensure an attack like that never happened on U.S. soil again.” The conviction in his voice has me hanging on each word. There’s a sense of pride I feel coming from him as he speaks about his service. A troubled look crosses his features whenever we’ve briefly mentioned it, so I know it’s not all good memories and probably why he doesn’t talk about it often.
“You always seem reluctant to talk about your time in the Army. Do you not like talking about it?”
He shrugs and shifts a little on the bed. “I’ve had some good times in the military and have met a lot of awesome people, but sometimes the bad shit outweighs all of that. Some of it is still pretty fresh and I don’t like remembering it.”
Pain.
The emotion runs across his face so quickly I almost miss it. He reaches up and rubs the scar that runs along his jaw. I’m wondering if he’s thinking about whatever happened that put that there.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was bringing all that up for you.”
His eyes set on mine. “There’s no reason for you to apologize. It’s not your fault and you didn’t know.” He gives me a small smile to help ease my worry. “Do you want to see what the final Jeopardy question is?” It’s not lost on me that he’s attempting to change the subject. Like he did for me last time, I let him off the hook. We’ve talked about enough heavy stuff for one day.
“Sure.”
IT’S BEEN A month since Cal hit me. He stayed away for a week, returning when the bruises had faded. As much as I didn’t want to see him, I wanted him to see the damage he had done to my face. I doubt he would’ve cared though. We hardly talk when he’s home, which suits me fine. I feel nauseous whenever I’m forced to look at him, so the less interaction I have with him the better. I kept to my word and didn’t leave the house until my cheek had completely healed, but once it did we were out on the campaign trail again. All of my interviews were canceled by Aaron. I guess he couldn’t trust me not to fly off on a tangent and damage Cal’s image. Otherwise, I do as I’m told. I smile, wave, clap, and repeat.
Things between Alex and I have stayed platonic for the most part. We haven’t kissed or done anything else inappropriate. He’s become my closest friend, a person I can confide in without worry of judgment. Knowing he’s here with me makes each day a little easier.
“What do you want for Christmas?” I ask Alex randomly. Christmas is only a week away and I’d like to get him something nice. We’re home while Congress adjourns for the remainder of the year. The day after Christmas we’ll be back on the road with extra force since the primary elections will start in January for a couple of states.
Alex looks over at me from his seat in the adjacent chair in the living room. “You don’t have to get me anything, Elizabeth.”
“I know I don’t have to, I want to. So tell me, if there was one thing you could have, what would it be?” I’m watching him expectantly, waiting for his answer. His eyes cloud over and he almost looks sad.
“There’s only one thing I want, and I can’t have it, so you don’t need to waste your time shopping for me.”
“What do you mean?”
“You, Elizabeth.” He looks away seeming shocked by his admission. He sounds choked up and his words rip my heart out.
“I’m sorry I’m hurting you,” I whisper. I’m hurting too. Even though we haven’t crossed the line in a while, my body still yearns for his touch, still aches to have him kiss and caress me. I feel like I’m slowly dying inside denying myself the love and happiness I could be getting from Alex.
His head snaps up to mine. “Don’t do that. Don’t apologize for something you have no control over. Does it suck to be near you and not able to show you how much I care about you? Yes, but I respect your reason for staying with Cal. I would never pressure you into making that decision. So if all I can have of you is your friendship, your smile, and your words, then that’s what I’ll take. But you asked what I wanted, and it’s you.”
A single tear streams down my face. Here we are, both wanting the same thing, but sacrificing it for someone else. The fact that he’s so accepting of it for the sake of my mother has me beyond emotional. He leans over and brushes the tear away with his thumb, his touch lingering a little longer than necessary. I tilt my face into his touch, savoring the contact from him.
He sits back in his chair and says, “So, how’s your mom? I never hear you talking to her.”
“She’s doing okay. The infusions make her tired, but she’s pretty good. I only call her once a week.” Guilt floods my system as I think about the reason I don’t talk to her more.
“What’s wrong? You look sad all of a sudden.”
I hesitate if I should tell him or not. Letting out a long sigh, I say, “It’s just too hard sometimes. I know this is going to make me sound like a horrible, selfish person—hell, maybe I am—but there’s this pang of resentment when I talk to her. She always thought it was important that I marry for money, but what I’ve never told her is the only reason I married Cal was because of her illness. To help take care of her. Otherwise, I really don’t think I would’ve stayed with him. Sometimes I feel like if she wasn’t diagnosed with MS, I wouldn’t be so miserable.” I say the last part in a whisper, partially ashamed of what I’ve just admitted. My mother has an incurable, debilitating disease, and here I am feeling sorry for myself.
Alex stands up and sits down next to me on the couch before draping his arm over my shoulders and pulling me to him. I nuzzle into his chest, taking in his fresh, clean scent and the warmth his embrace provides. “You need to listen to me,” he says against my head. “There is not a selfish bone in your body. What would your mother say if she knew you were this unhappy only for her sake?”
“That’s the thing, I’ve tried telling her before and she doesn’t want to hear it. She tries to convince me otherwise so I never bring it up because it’s pointless.”
“Have you ever talked to her and had her really listen to you?” I think about this for a second. Whenever she starts making excuses for my feelings, I usually give up and agree with her.
“No, I never push the issue, but I don’t think I ever will. Stress isn’t something people with multiple sclerosis handle well, and I won’t put that kind of burden on her.”
“See? Tell me how that makes you selfish. It’s okay to feel angry about the situation. It sucks that your mom has this disease and it’s not fair to her, to your dad, or to you. I was thinking, have you guys ever looked into getting her some kind of federal assistance to help, or enroll in the new healthcare plan that was passed?”
“According to the federal aid programs, my parents make too much money to qualify. Can you believe that?” I ask with a humorless laugh. “The pharmaceutical companies will work with you on the medication and provide a discount, but they only take about seven hundred dollars a month off. That seems like a lot, but when you’re spending close to six thousand dollars a month, it’s just a drop in the bucket. I looked into the new healthcare program recently, but their deductibles would be astronomical and still unaffordable for them. And it would only cover a fraction of the cost for the infusion. I’ve looked at every possible alternative solution. There just isn’t one.”
He squeezes me tighter and kisses me on the head. “I have a feeling everything is going to work out. You just have to stay strong, okay?” I simply nod.
We sit in silence wrapped up in each other while the radio we had turned on earlier plays softly in the background. I’ve been playing Christmas music nonstop this week. I can’t help it, it’s my favorite time of year. When the next song comes on, I perk up. “Oh! I love this song!” It’s Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas.
Alex chuckles and he releases his hold on me. “You would like this song,” he mumbles.
“I heard that.” I put my hands on my hips and scowl at him, which only causes him to smile at me.
“You’re so cute.” Standing up, he holds his hand out and says, “May I have this dance?”
Slowly placing my hand in his, I stand up. “You know how to dance?” I ask surprised.
“Don’t ever underestimate me, sweetheart.” He leads me to an open area in the living room and whisks me away. We spin and twirl, laugh and sing as this song bleeds into the next. On the fifth or sixth song, he ends it by dipping me back. My head tilts back as I laugh at the sudden movement. When he doesn’t move to pull me back up, I lift my head and see him staring intently at me. He’s looking down on me with longing and I’ve become aware that every inch of my body is pressed firmly against his. The laughter dies on my lips as I take in the seriousness of our situation while one undeniable feeling grows between us.
Desire.
“Alex?” He doesn’t respond, just leans in slowly until our lips connect. The breath is stolen right out of me. The tension I didn’t realize I had been holding in for a month is released from my body as we kiss. All too soon, he breaks the bond, leaving me wanting and completely unsatisfied.
Alex opens his mouth to say something, but the sound of the front door opening causes us to jump away from each other just in time to see Cal enter the room. Holy shit, that was close.
AT THE END of the night, I retreat to my bedroom. Since Cal has been home, I sleep in one of the guest rooms. There’s no sense in pretending that I love him like I used to and Cal is under no illusions that I’m happy with him. He knows I want out, but he also knows I won’t leave. I’m about to climb into bed when there’s a knock on the door. Turning, I expect to see Alex standing in the doorway, but instead I’m met with Cal. He stumbles through the door and I realize that he’s drunk.
Great.
“Why don’t you come to our bed?” he slurs.
“You know why,” I say in a monotone voice.
He stalks toward me as I watch his movements. “Oh, come on. Don’t be like that. You know I’m sorry that we had an altercation.”
“Excuse me?” I’m starting to get mad. Altercation? That’s what he calls it? “That’s not the way I remember it, Cal. I seem to remember you hitting me in the face and giving me a bruise that lasted for over a week. I had to be kept prisoner in my own home because of you.”
“How about we make up? You know what’s a good way to do that?” He pauses waiting for my response, but he won’t get one. Bile slowly creeps up my throat at his suggestion. There’s no way in hell I’m going to be intimate with this bastard. He’s standing directly in front of me now, only a couple of inches separate us. Leaning in toward my ear, he whispers, “Make-up sex.” The smell of brandy rolling off his tongue hits my nose, making me turn my head in disgust.
“Get away from me,” I say, still avoiding him.
He grabs my face roughly and turns it toward him, digging his thumb and middle finger into each side of my face. “You little bitch,” he says between clenched teeth. “You are my wife, and if I want to fuck you, I will. It’s my right as your husband.” He pushes me back onto the bed by my face before climbing on top of me, hovering over me with one knee on each side of my waist. My heart starts beating frantically as my body trembles with fear. “Just pretend I’m Alex,” he says with a sneer.
“W-what?” I ask.
“You think I’m a fool? I see the way you two look at each other. I always knew you were a little slut. Tell me, do you fake it for him, too?” I move to push him off, but he grabs my wrists and pins them above my head.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I haven’t slept with Alex.” I struggle against his hold on me. Even drunk, his strength and bodyweight overpower me.
“But you want to, don’t you?” I don’t answer, the internal panic starting to rise as his eyes take on a darker look. “Looks like I’m just going to have to fuck you until you only think of me.” I don’t think. I just act out of desperation. My knee comes up and hits him hard right in the groin. I pull back quickly and knee him again for good measure. His hold instantly releases from my wrists as he rolls over in agony and clutches his balls. “You fucking cunt!” he yells as his face twists in pain.
Scurrying off the bed as quick as possible, I move toward the other side of the room. “Listen closely, because I’m only going to say this once.” My insides are a jumbled mess and my whole body is shaking, but my voice comes out low, calm, and even. “You ever put a hand on me again, you will regret it. I will go to every news publication out there and give them every single juicy detail about the life of Mrs. Callahan Fitzgerald. Everyone will know that you beat your wife and attempted to rape her. Your career will be over.”
“I think you forget something, love.” He pauses while he takes in a few breaths. “Who pays for your mother’s medical bills?”
“Ha, you think I won’t get paid for a story like that?” I drill holes into his face, challenging him to call my bluff. He looks away first and I take a small amount of joy in that little victory. He rolls off the bed and walks toward the door hunched over still holding on to the family jewels.
“Fucking cunt. I should’ve listened to my mother and never married you,” he spits at me before he walks out of the room. I don’t even dignify him with a response and close the door behind him before locking it. Leaning against the door, I listen until I know he’s left and gone back to the master bedroom.
On shaky legs, I walk to the other side of the house and before I know it, I’m standing in front of Alex’s room. Without thinking, I knock, hoping he’s not asleep. After a few seconds, the door opens revealing a sleepy Alex. I launch myself at him and wrap my arms around his neck. He doesn’t ask questions, he just returns the gesture.
“Do you mind if I sleep in here for the night?” I ask in a small voice.
“Of course you can.” He pulls me inside and helps me into the bed before sliding in next to me. Once he’s settled, I move over and lay my head on his chest. I need this connection, this comfort. “You’re shaking. What’s wrong?” he asks after he wraps his arm back over me.
I shake my head knowing that lying to him is useless. “I don’t really want to talk about it, okay?” I whisper. He kisses me on the head and squeezes me tighter.
“You don’t have to. Go to sleep, sweetheart, I’ve got you.” A few minutes later, I’m drifting off into a deep slumber and I know I’m safe right where I’m at.
“Wake up, sweetheart,” is murmured into my ear, which brings me out of my peaceful sleep. I don’t know what it is about Alex, but both times I’ve slept in the same bed as him I’ve been out like a light. It’s the most refreshed I’ve felt in a while despite everything that’s going on. “Wakey, wakey,” he says when I don’t move. A slow smile spreads across my face and then I open my eyes. They squint against the bright light coming through the window. I move off of his chest and sit up, looking around for the clock to see what time it is. I’m afraid what will happen if Cal sees me sleeping here. “Thank God you got up. I was afraid I was gonna have to pry your face off my chest from all the drool cementing you to me.” My head snaps to him and I quickly wipe my face. If I drooled all over him I will be completely mortified.
“I do not drool,” I say, slightly offended. At least I hope I don’t. He starts laughing.
“I’m just messing with you, but you should’ve seen your face. That was priceless.” He laughs some more. “You’re eyes were this big.” He demonstrates by holding his fingers up and making a huge circle.
I nudge him before getting off the bed. “Very funny, Mr. Matthews. Didn’t anyone ever teach you that it’s not nice to tease girls?”
He looks up at the ceiling as if he’s in deep thought. “Nope.”
“You’re incorrigible.” I simply shake my head at him in disapproval even though I love the way he teases me. It’s amazing how after a night like last night, I can wake up smiling because of Alex’s presence and the easy banter we share. I’m still a bit shaken up, but I feel more at ease when he’s around.
“Oh, come on. It’s one of the things you like most about me.”
“Not hardly. I’m going to go get ready for the day.” I start to leave the room until Alex begins talking.
“Okay. I’ve got to run a few errands, but they’re sending another guy to stay with you while I’m gone.”
“Oh, how long do you think you’ll be?” He’s gone off to run errands here and there, but he doesn’t do it often. I don’t know why, but I don’t like the thought of someone else being responsible for my safety. I trust Alex and know that he would do absolutely everything in his power to keep me out of harm’s way.
“Just a couple hours. I’ll be back before Cal gets home. What’s wrong? Can’t live without me?” That damn smirk of his. I’d love to wipe it off of his face.
“Nope, just excited to have a break from you and wanted to know how much time I get to celebrate your absence.” I throw him a smirk of my own.
“Is that right?” I nod slowly with my smirk still firmly in place. Before I have time to react, Alex is out of bed and has me wrapped in his arms. He tosses me to the bed and starts tickling me. I squirm, kick and scream. When that doesn’t work, I resort to begging.
“Please, stop. Alex!” I can hardly get the words out between my fits of laughter and gulping in air.
“Say you’ll miss me,” he shouts over me.
“No!” The onslaught continues. “Stop! I have to pee!” I wiggle some more, trying to break free.
“Say it!”
“Fine! I’ll miss you!” The tickling stops and I rush out of the room before he can get to me again. His chuckles follow me down the hallway.
“Hey, Mom, how are you feeling?” I ask into the phone.
“I’m good. How are you?” She sounds so tired and it pains me that I’m not there with her. My mother might have had her faults, but she means well and always took care of me.
“I’m good. I was dancing to a Christmas song I heard on the radio yesterday and it reminded me of you and Dad, so I thought I’d call and check in.”
“Oh? Which song was it?”
“Santa Baby. I remember you and Dad dancing to it every Christmas morning. It’s actually one of my favorite memories.” A smile touches my lips just thinking about it.
“Yes, I remember, too. We still do that, you know?”
“Really? That’s funny.”
“It’s tradition. Are you and Cal making that a tradition, too?” I freeze when she says Cal’s name, especially since he’s not the man I was dancing with.
“Uh, I actually wasn’t dancing with Cal.” My leg bounces nervously as I wait for the next question to come.
“Who were you dancing with then?” There’s no judgment in her voice, only curiosity.
“Alex.” I’ve told her about him before and why he was hired.
“You have feelings for this man, don’t you?”
“Mom, it’s not like that. He’s just a friend.”
“Mmm hmm. Don’t think I don’t know you, missy. I hear the way you talk about him. There’s a happiness in your voice that hasn’t been there in quite some time.”
“Mom, it’s pointless to talk about this. I’m married to Cal.” I can’t do this with her right now. I want to confess to all the horrible things that have been going on, but stress is a trigger for MS and I won’t have my problems jeopardizing her health.
“Yes, you are, but if you’re not happy with Cal, there are ways to get out.” She just lets that sit between us for a minute before she changes topic. “Anyway, I have some news for you. I was going to wait to tell you on Christmas, but I can’t hold it in anymore.”
“Okay, what is it?”
“I went to the doctor last week.” The mention of her going to the doctor has my heart sinking. Every time she says that, it’s always followed by bad news. They found a new legion. The legions are growing. The numbness in my fingers has now advanced to my whole hand and my feet. The drug they had me on wasn’t working. “I’m in remission.” Her voice cracks on the last word. I’m speechless, not sure if I heard her correctly but terrified to ask in case I didn’t. “Did you hear me, Elizabeth?”
“Remission?” I ask in disbelief.
“Yes. Isn’t that wonderful news?” My hand covers my mouth as tears flow freely from my eyes. I’m so happy and relieved. I try to hold it in, but a sob leaves my lips.
“Oh my God, Mom. That’s fantastic news! I can’t believe it! So what now?” I wish I was with her right now so I could give her a big hug. This disease has really taken its toll on my family, and I admire the strength her and my dad have shown through it. She’s battled this for many years and it’s about time she got a break. She deserves this.
“I stop the infusions and I get to come off of the narcolepsy drug. They want me to stay on the depression medication, but that’s it.” That’s when it hits me. She won’t need Cal to pay for her treatments now. Her depression medication isn’t that expensive, so I could pay for that once I found work.
Oh, God. This is it. My chance to leave Cal. I’m lighter as the darkness that’s been surrounding me for years starts to dissipate. The one thing I’ve valued most but have had to deny myself is right in front of me.
Freedom.
It’s time I start living for me.
