Текст книги "Out of Play"
Автор книги: Nyrae Dawn
Соавторы: Jolene Perry
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Текущая страница: 7 (всего у книги 17 страниц)
Chapter Ten
Penny
We win 2-1, and the crowd goes insane as we skate toward the exit. One of those goals was mine in the first, just after I was let out of the box. The other was Mitch’s in the second. Those Barrow kids were out for blood. I’m going to hurt tomorrow. It’s a good thing we have a couple weeks before state.
The guys are still smacking each other, and I rip off my helmet so I can breathe. My hair sticks to my face and neck. I’m hot and need out of my gear, but people press in close. I’m shaking hands and nodding and smiling like I might actually be absorbing some of what people are yelling over the noise of the crowd.
“Lucky Penny!” Chomps kisses the back of my sweaty head and half the team follows suit.
Matt deserves some high-fives as well. He kicked ass tonight.
I turn to see Mom and Gramps making their way through the crowd of tightly packed people, and my high slows.
“Mom. You’re in scrubs?” I ask. “Are you ever not working?”
It shouldn’t matter, I’ll be going out with the guys tonight anyway, but still.
She pulls her mouth into a small frown. “I’m sorry, but I’ll be home tomorrow, and I should be awake in the afternoon.”
I’m straining to hear her over the noise. “Okay.”
Mom glances behind her again, but there are people everywhere.
“Nice job, Penny.” A guy reaches around Mom to shake my hand.
“Yeah, thanks. Ben, right?” I think I remember this guy as someone Mom and Dad went to high school with or something. He starts to speak, but there are voices shouting and music playing over the loudspeakers, and it’s all too much.
Mitch grabs my waist, pulling me backward, and I scream in surprise. In seconds, I’m also pushing off Matt and Chomps and half the team as I head for our bench and my skate guards.
“We’ll see you at home! Love you!” Mom calls as I’m buried in guy smell, hockey gloves, and sweaty gear.
I slide on my guards when I see Bishop looking a bit wide-eyed and twitchy off the side of the rink. I get two more slaps on the back as I head to the corner Bishop’s in. Only there’s still a sea of people in here all telling me congrats, and I’m starting to feel like I just need to get to him.
“What’s up?” I ask, when I finally make it to where he’s half-plastered against the wall, knowing something big is definitely going on.
“I need air. I mean out. Air.” He gestures with his hand and won’t look at me.
“Uh…I need a shower,” I tease, but he doesn’t react, so maybe this is not a teasing kind of thing.
He looks all amped up on something. His eyes won’t focus on anything, and he can’t stand still. “It’s cool. I’ll…” But it’s obviously not cool.
“Let’s get out of here.” I take his hand in mine, and he squeezes me with a death grip. I’d never tell him that, of course.
“Yeah. Thanks.” He hardly gets the words out.
I lead him out the back door. The first thing he does after relinquishing my hand is light a cigarette with shaky fingers. I nearly try to hug him to see if it helps, only Bishop and I don’t touch that way. I have no idea what to do.
We walk in silence toward my truck, where it’s parked in employee of the month parking because I know Rick, and he’s almost always employee of the month and doesn’t mind.
Bishop drops his half-smoked cigarette in the snow, gets in the passenger’s side, jerks off his hat, and immediately slumps in the seat with his eyes closed.
Holding onto the open door, I wait for him to say something. He’s starting to freak me out a bit. “Are you okay? You’re not going to hurl in my car, are you?”
“Shit. I just needed out. Air. Crowds.” He does this weird breathing thing. In. Out. In. Out.
I still want to touch him, but I’m afraid to. I reach in like three times until I remember what works for me. “Punch something. That breathing shit never works.”
He shakes his head like he’s trying but still doesn’t look at me. “Damn…You’re something else.”
A few random shouts and the sound of car engines starting swirl around us. Neither of us speaks for long enough that it’s starting to get weird, and I get this need to break the silence.
“Crowds freak you out?” I ask slowly.
“I’d rather not use the words ‘freak out.’” His eyes close again, and his hands tremble in his lap.
It’s awkward to stand in all my gear, but I also can’t leave him. “Is this where you tell me who you are? Why you’re up here renting out all the cabins even though they’d be empty anyway?”
He lets out another desperate sounding chuckle. “No.”
“I’m going to shower so I don’t stink up the truck. Oh! These were dropped off at my school. They’re from Pat.” I dig in the side pocket of the passenger door for the drumsticks and hand them over.
Bishop takes them and immediately starts twirling the sticks, still with his eyes closed and still with the weird breathing. “Nice of him.”
“I think he has a crush on you,” I tease.
“He’s cool to talk to. We’re both into music.”
They talk?
He spins the sticks a few more times before blinking and then closing his eyes again like he’s not ready to see the world. “You were wild out there, Penny. Fuck, that’s crazy, you know?”
The high from my game slams into me again, and with it comes the thought that he gets it. Or is maybe trying to. “It’s why I love it.”
He nods and keeps twirling, eyes still closed, breathing still regulated, and starts beating soft rhythms on my dash. At least he knows better than to slam those things onto Bitty.
Finally, after what feels like forever, he looks at me. “I get it…why you wanna play here and why you want to be on a guys’ team. You’re good.” And then he quickly turns away as though he said too much while I’m dying inside. He gets it. This guy who barely knows me gets it when no one else does. I don’t know what to say.
“Give me ten minutes to shower and get my gear. K?”
He stares at his drumsticks, letting out another slow breath and attempting a smile that looks more like a grimace, but at least he’s trying. “Want any help with that?”
I get a flash of what it would be like to have him helping me. His fingers on the skin of my shoulder, and his dark eyes staring into me the way they did the night I sat in the hot tub and he told me I could do anything. There’s a tension and a want in the nerves that course through me at my over-active imagination that I don’t know how to deal with. My cheeks flush before I can find words. “You must be feeling better.”
His eyes finally meet mine, and vulnerable Bishop is back. The one who makes my legs go weak. “Thanks.”
I have to exit the situation because it’s suddenly so intense I don’t know what to do. Having a guy crush on me is one thing. Having him get me and my decisions is something else entirely. This wasn’t part of my plan. “See you in ten.”
…
Since dropping Bishop off at his cabin, I’ve done nothing but try to redirect my thoughts with the help of some ridiculously loud music. I don’t want to be thrown off by someone I just met. I know what I want. I want the future I’ve always relied on, and some of that future depends on a guy at this party, not a guy I don’t know. By the time I pull into Matt’s, my head is relatively clear, and I’m finally ready to celebrate instead of over-thinking about someone I shouldn’t.
I find Mitch, and my stomach starts twisting with a sense of urgency that hits me hard. I have to do something. Say something. We graduate in a few months. He’ll leave for college. It looks like I might leave for college. My heart hits harder with each thought. With how my future suddenly feels so uncertain.
He’s rehashing some part of the game, but his words get lost in my thoughts and the pounding music.
“And then this girl.” He grabs me from the side and hugs me to him, kissing my forehead. Chalk one more action up to confusing. “Made that insane goal in the first—” His voice fades out as I breathe him in, only…Only it doesn’t feel like I thought it would. Not tingly and exciting.
When Mitch’s hand drops from around my shoulders, he hands me the bag of keys. He knows the drill—he got here first, so he picked up keys. Routine. Safety.
“Thanks,” I say blinking stupidly at the mesh sack in my hand.
The guys keep going over plays, which I normally love but I’m still staring at the bag of keys like I know something’s different, even though I can’t put my finger on it yet.
“Holy shit! Becca! How’d you get out?” Mitch sprints to the front door, leaping over the couch on his way, and scoops her off the floor.
He walked away from me without a second glance and is now looking at her like…like…like I know he’ll never look at me. It feels as if someone punched me in the gut because it seems official now. He’s left me for her. And I guess…I don’t even know what to think about it because it feels both easier and shittier than I expected. But maybe that’s the point. I expected. I’m not even sure why this is different from yesterday when he held her or the day before. If it has something to do with me, or with them, or maybe it has to do with the fact that Mitch’s future is looking more solid all the time, and I’m not sure how much a part of it I’ll be. That’s the part that’s sucking the air from my lungs and feels so horribly unexpected.
“What’s that face?” Chomps pushes my shoulder.
“Just need some air. I don’t think everyone in here actually showered,” I try to tease, but my voice comes out weird.
The cold air tingles on my skin as I step onto the porch, and the voices and music lower to a steady, unrecognizable hum. Before thinking, I go to the cooler on the porch and grab a beer for something to do. No ice in here. At these temps, it’s more a problem of them all freezing. Sort of funny that we use coolers in the winter to keep stuff warm. I’m pathetically trying to distract myself from the gnawing at my insides over…what…change? No, not change. Confusion. It’s confusion and not knowing what to expect about anything, which is stupid. Whatever’s happening or not happening between Mitch and me isn’t everything. It’s one thing. It’s just that Mitch was one of the few things that I thought I’d always be able to count on.
My gaze goes to the window again where I expect to see Mitch and Rebecca in some corner, trying to eat the other’s faces, but instead they’re dancing. Slow and awkward because Mitch wouldn’t know how to dance any other way, but he’s holding her like she’s everything. Eyes closed, knowing the team’s going to give him shit for it later. There’s an odd sort of detached realization that I don’t want to be standing in Becca’s place, but also that I don’t want to be ignored by my best friend. I have no idea how to reconcile my feelings yet. How to really want one without the other.
I slide my fingers over the tab on the top of the beer, but all I can think about is Dad. How I lost him because some stupid asshole wanted to get wasted at a party. My hands feel shaky as I set the beer in the cooler and push my way back inside.
I shove the keys at Trinna and Chomps. “I have to go.”
“What?” Matt grabs me in a sideways hug. “You just got here!”
“Yeah. I know.” I glance toward Mitch again. He doesn’t even see that I’m leaving. That I’m upset. The guy who answers my texts the second I hit send probably won’t know I left. I shove Matt off and head for the door, needing out. Home.
…
My chest sinks when I pull into the driveway, and Mom’s car isn’t here. Again. I feel even stupider because I knew she was working when she showed up to the game in scrubs.
I keep trying to pull in a full, real breath. Like air will somehow stop all the mess inside me.
It doesn’t, but it does slow it down.
I’ll say goodnight to Gramps and then crawl into bed. I can do this.
As I get closer to the house, I hear my music playing instead of Gramps’s country music. That’s…odd. Since when does he like rock?
The lights in Gramps’s trailer are on, but the door’s open, so I don’t think he’s in there. I jog up the stairs, and panic seizes my chest. Gramps is dancing without a piece of clothing on. His droopy butt cheeks wiggle with each move, and I’m just thankful his back’s to me. This is new. And definitely not good.
What am I supposed to do? My body starts to go numb because I realize this is all going to be my responsibility. The reality of this situation grips at my chest, and all I can think is please don’t let him remember this.
I fumble with my phone as I pull it from my pocket and dial Mom. Her voicemail picks up. No. No. No!
It actually hurts to even type the words. GRMPS DNCING NAKED. WHAT DO I DO?
My phone buzzes in a call.
“Mom?”
“I’m so sorry, honey. I’m one of two nurses in labor and delivery, and we have two women in here. There’s no way I can leave. Not right now. Try to get him to take a sleeping pill, cover him up, and I’ll get home as soon as I can…” I hear muffled sounds in the background before Mom comes back on. “Hold on a sec.”
“Um…” I don’t want to try to give my naked Gramps a sleeping pill. I keep Mom on but go to Messages on my phone.
I send Mitch a quick, desperate text because I don’t want to do this alone. NEED HELP W GRMPS. PLSE COME.
I choke as another sob tries to work its way up. I have to be stronger than this.
“I’m back,” Mom says. “Let me call someone to help, okay?” Guilt is all over her voice.
“No, no. It’s cool,” I lie. “I can do it. Mitch will come.”
“Penny, honey. Really. I’m so sorry.” Mom pulls in a breath and starts talking again, but Gramps spins to face me, his eyes as big as his smile.
“Lucky Penny! How are you?”
“Gotta go, Mom.” I stuff my phone in pocket, my insides shaking again, and try to find something in me that can deal with this. And to not look down too far.
Still no text back from Mitch.
Now what?
Chapter Eleven
Bishop
I’m officially a loser.
What kind of guy loses it at a hockey game and can’t even hang out afterward? But I knew going to the party wouldn’t have been a good idea. Gary would have freaked out.
Penny’s truck pulls in front of her house, and she runs inside. I don’t know what it is, but there’s something pulling me to her house. It was cool of her to try to get me to hang out with them, and the way she tried to help when I lost it. Gramps would expect more of me, bailing the way I did again, and I don’t want to let him down. He’s keeping my secrets and well—shit, I want to see her. I’m lonely, so fucking lonely in these tiny walls, my friends a thousand miles away. Gary next door with Troy. I even called Pat again when I got home from the game. He offered to come get me after my bullshit excuse of no car, but I told him no. Now I wish I hadn’t. It feels like everyone in Alaska has someone to be with but me.
Which is probably my own fault, but still.
I reach for my cigarettes but decide against them before I head for the door. It’s late—well, not late if you consider the fact that she went to a party tonight, but late enough that I shouldn’t be going over to her house. Still, she just got home, and I’m sure Gramps won’t care. Her mom’s car is gone, so I think it’s okay.
Music blares from inside the house and for a minute I wonder if they moved the party here before—oh, shit. They’re listening to me. Not just me, I guess, but my band. Thinking of how she’ll react if she knows makes my gut ache. Everything will change if she knows. It’ll suck if she starts treating me the way other girls do. Will she not give me shit and ride snowmachines and stuff with me if she knows I’m Bishop Riley, pill-head and drummer for Burn instead of Bishop Ripe, moody guy from California?
Wait. Pill-head?
“Gramps! Come here! You can’t go out there!” Penny screams fanatically. The sound of her voice, the hitch of pain in it makes me shove the door open. I’ll probably regret it when she yells at me for walking into her house, but something doesn’t feel right.
Gramps runs around the corner toward the door, buck-naked. Like seriously naked, and I definitely don’t think I should have walked in, but the wild look in his eyes isn’t the Gramps I know.
“I’m a grown man! I know what I’m doing.” There’s a hard edge to his voice I never expected to hear from him.
Penny rounds the corner next and her red-rimmed eyes catch mine. All sorts of things flash across her face: pain, embarrassment, fear, anger, and it doesn’t even bother me that I can read her because this? This is serious. Something is wrong with Gramps.
I’m frozen, not sure what to do, standing in their open doorway, cold air flooding inside. My music pumping through the speakers with a naked Gramps and a broken Penny standing in front of me. No, not broken, but cracked. I don’t think anything can completely break her.
“Get out!” She stomps toward me. “This isn’t your business.” She’s right in front of me and I’m still stuck in the same place. I see her chin quiver and then Gramps’s head drops like he’s confused.
“Pen—”
“Please?” Her voice cracks as she speaks. “I don’t want you to see him like this.” One tear, just one brims over and trickles down her face.
I want to wipe it away.
I want to fix this, in a way I can’t fix anything else in my life.
“Let me help. You shouldn’t have to do this alone.” There are so many questions shoving their way into my head right now: what is this? How often does it happen? But right now, none of it matters. The only things that do are Gramps and Penny.
She wipes her eyes, even though there aren’t more tears. I wish I knew how she does it. She’s like a brick wall, so strong and sturdy. “He wouldn’t want you to see him like this.”
She right, but it’s still not okay to leave her with it. “And like I said, you shouldn’t have to deal with it alone.” My hand is shaking, but this time not because of anxiety or the need to be medicated, but because I want to touch her. Feel the soft skin that holds in so much strength. I’ve spent weeks here, and I never would have imagined she lived with something like this going on.
“Don’t talk about me like I’m not here. I’m not a damn kid! If I want to go outside, I can damn well go outside.” Gramps is coming our way now. I don’t wait for Penny’s permission and step around her to head him off.
“Where ya goin’ old man?” I try to tease but it comes out flat. Hopefully, he doesn’t catch on. “It’s cold as hell out there. You wanna go out, we’ll go out, but let’s get your working clothes on. That engine is way too greasy.” I have no idea what I’m saying. If I sound like an idiot or if it will do any good, but it’s all that comes to me. “And what’s this shit you’re listening to? I thought you had good taste in music.” It’s a risk, bringing it up, but if the Gramps I know is in there, it’ll work.
That secretive, cocky Gramps grin curves one side of his mouth, and I think he’s in there. Whatever’s going on, the Gramps who works with me on cars realizes this is funny—knows there’s something familiar and a private joke that he’s in on.
“Don’t call me old man, Rookie, and you’re right…the music is shit.” He laughs and the fist squeezing my chest tightens slightly.
“It’s not that bad. Maybe you need to get your hearing aids changed. Now show me where your room is so we can find your stuff and go work on the car.”
He wraps an arm around my shoulders, and I try and forget the fact that I have a naked old man next to me. While we walk, I turn my head, trying to catch Penny’s eyes and hoping I’m doing the right thing. She’s standing where I left her, her ripe, cherry red lips in an “O,” but I swear, there’s something different in her eyes. Something I’ve never seen before when she looked at me.
Gramps leads me to his room. Penny’s behind us. Things suddenly decide to go our way when I see there’s a pair of sweatpants laid out on Gramps bed. Maybe he was changing when something switched in his brain. Is this normal? So many questions.
“Why don’t you put those on?” I let go of him. “If you still feel like it, we can go work on the Corvette after you’re dressed.”
His eyelids flutter, and his shoulders slump, looking drained. Gramps sits on the bed and starts to put on the pants. “I’m not feeling very well, son. Think we could put off the car till tomorrow?”
My body stiffens at the word son. Not in a bad way, but in a way that actually makes me feel like more than the Bishop Riley I thought about earlier. More than any kind of Bishop I’ve ever been. A better Bishop. “Absolutely. I’ll be here.”
“I’ll help him into bed.” Penny steps up beside me and touches my arm. “There’re some pills in his bathroom. They’re color-coded. I need the ones in the purple container. Can you grab them for me?”
“Yeah…sure.” I’m concentrating on the way it felt to hear him call me son and the feel of her hand against my skin that her words don’t sink in until I’m standing in the bathroom, which I swear could double as a pharmacy. Sleeping pills, pain pills, I recognize them all. My mouth gets dry. My heart rate spikes. I want them. I can’t believe how much. It’s the stress. Has to be. Worrying about Maryanne getting in trouble, the band, Mom at home without me when Dad had called not long before. He’s been leaving us alone now, but what if he doesn’t? And Gramps…Jesus, Gramps. I could take one and no one would notice. I deserve that. After this crazy night, I could use something to take the edge off.
My whole arm shakes when I pick up the container.
One, one, one. I could take one. That wouldn’t be so bad. The lid twists between my fingertips.
“Did you find it?” Penny calls from the other room. Her voice breaks through the daze taking me over.
Shit. “Umm…Yeah. Be right there.” I peek out of the room. She’s not coming. No one would know, especially if I do it right here. Drink some water from the sink or take it dry, and make this whole night disappear. I want it to be gone. Not to have to know Gramps goes through this.
Gramps.
The guy I work on the Corvette with every day. The one who treats me like an equal and talks to me. Penny jumps into my head next. She wouldn’t be this damn weak. There’s Gary, too. He just told me he’s proud of me. And mom. It would kill her to think of me downing pills, especially at a time like this. It’s still a fight. My fingers don’t want to obey, but I manage to toss the bottle on the counter. I can’t do it. Not from them. But damn, I want to…so bad.
I grab the purple container and get my ass out of the room as fast as I can. My hands are quivering so bad it almost slips out of them a million times before I get it to Penny. “Here. You good, now?” Please be okay. I need to get out of here.
She gives me a small smile before giving Gramps the pill. He seems to be better now, more like himself. He takes it before Penny tells him goodnight. We’re to the door before he says, “Lucky? Bishop? I love you guys.” And then he closes his eyes.
I love you guys… Maybe he wouldn’t if he knew what I wanted to do with his pills.
“Follow me.” Penny doesn’t wait for my reply as she starts walking up the stairs. I feel like shit. I’m confused, ashamed, and on edge. My feet are begging to take me to Gary’s again for my anxiety meds. Back in the house for Gramps…just to check on Gramps, but I follow her anyway up to a smaller set of stairs—almost like a ladder. She pushes open a door in the ceiling, and we crawl through into something the size of an apartment, but open with windows on all sides.
“What is this place?” I take in the open space, all the windows, and I bet if it wasn’t black outside, we could see forever from up here. The walls are wood like everywhere else in the house, but there’s actually carpet instead of worn plywood floors.
“Gramps built it for me after my dad died, but first I was too young and didn’t want to be here alone, and now my room is close to where Gramps sleeps so I can listen for him.”
There’re a few blankets and stacks of massive pillows on the ground. She must come here often. Penny sits. Right as I’m about to ask her what just happened, she says, “Thanks… That was… Thanks.”
I sit down next to her. “No problem. What’s wrong with him?” I hate the words because I don’t want anything to be wrong with him.
“Mild dementia. The beginnings of Alzheimer’s. He’s fine most of the time, but he loses it sometimes. I mean, he’s okay a lot, but once in a while he isn’t, and tonight… That’s new.”
“Damn. That sucks. I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
She shrugs. There’s a soft light in the corner giving me just enough lighting to see her. “He wouldn’t want you to. It’s hard. You know him. He’s amazing. It kills me to see him lose himself like that.” She blinks again before she pulls in this deep breath and tries to smile. Even now, she doesn’t want me to think she’s not tough.
“Yeah…me too.” It also kills me to see her like this. To know that she’s much more than the Snow Queen who has every guy in town wrapped around her finger. Which is bull because I’ve known that, but this takes it to a whole new level.
She pulls her knees up, resting her forehead in her hands for a moment before straightening. “How did the night get so screwed up?”
Damned if I don’t wish I had the answer for her. All the answers to whatever she wants to know.
“The game was incredible and then the stupid party…and now Gramps. Ugh! Sometimes life sucks, ya know?”
Story of my life. “Yeah, I do know.”
She turns to look at me. Her eyes are so blue, this wild shade that doesn’t seem real, and it’s like they can see through me, into me. And I want to see into her. To know what’s inside her, but I don’t. All I do know is I need to take away the pained look in them. To see them bright and happy like when we were on the snowmachines.
“Thanks.” She glances down, almost embarrassed, and it does something to me because she’s all strength and sure of herself, but I’m making her cheeks pink and making her tongue sneak out of her mouth to trace her bottom lip.
“You already said that.”
And then she smiles, looking at me again. “You’re such a jerk.”
And damned if I know what comes over me, but I can’t stop myself from leaning forward. From cupping her soft cheek and then pushing my hand through her white-blond hair. The light glimmers off and then I don’t see, don’t know anything else, but the feel of her lips as I cover them with mine.
She gives me a startled “Oh” and then opens up so I can slip my tongue inside. My lip ring presses against her mouth. She tastes sweet, but slightly salty like tears. Then her tongue is moving against mine, like she’s trying to taste every part of me the way I want to taste every part of her.
I suck her lip into my mouth, before my tongue moves in to explore her again. Everything else is forgotten, only calm and need pushing me, making me lean forward to taste her deeper. One of my hands grabs her waist while the other slides behind her neck. Deeper, I want to get as deep as I can until suddenly her lips are gone.
“Bishop… I can’t… Not… I just can’t.”
Penny gives me one last look and then she gets up and walks out.
Bishop Riley fucks up again. You’d think I’d be used to it by now.
