Текст книги "Out of Play"
Автор книги: Nyrae Dawn
Соавторы: Jolene Perry
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Текущая страница: 14 (всего у книги 17 страниц)
Chapter Twenty-two
Penny
“Your mom’s going to be pissed,” Bishop says as I turn off Bitty in the parking lot of the ice arena.
“Aww… Does my mom scare you?” I tease.
He shakes his head. “No, but I don’t want to cause problems, either.”
“Mom’s the one causing problems. And did you or did you not have to ask Gary if you could ride with me?” I scoot over and slide a leg across his lap until I’m straddling him in the front of my truck. This is what I need before my game—a little distraction to help me focus.
Bishop’s thumbs trace my cheekbones, and the warmth in his eyes turns my body to mush. I love everything about the way I feel with him. It’s a rush, like being on the ice, only softer, and warmer… His hands rest low on my waist, the way I’m learning he likes. And the way I’m learning I like.
I lean in for a kiss, which Bishop dodges by kissing my cheek.
“We need to talk about a few things, okay?” he says. “There’s stuff I need to tell you—”
I slide my tongue across his lower lip until I hit his lip ring, hoping to distract him. “Are you turning into a girl, Bishop Ripe? Talking about my mom and feelings and—”
He kneads my shoulders, staring at his hands. “I’m serious, Penny.”
The warmth in his eyes has turned sad, and that’s not what I need right now.
“And I’m serious when I say we can talk after the game. I need to kiss you.” I tease him with my tongue again, upper lip this time. “And then I need to focus.”
He narrows his eyes while trying to hold in a smile. “You’re impossible.”
“You love it.” I part my lips and barely touch them to his, pulling away when he opens his mouth for a kiss.
“I do love it. Now come here before you put all that gear on, and I can’t feel you anymore.” Bishop wraps his arms around my waist, making me forget everything but him and how I need to be closer. Need my body closer. Need more of his hands on me.
But the kiss is over way too soon, and Bishop’s pulling away.
He brushes a few stray hairs off my face. “You should probably go in. Hockey’s your thing. State Championship. This is a huge deal. I don’t want to distract you.”
“It is my thing.” I kiss the corner of his mouth. “I love hockey. I couldn’t function without it.”
He gets a far off look in his eyes like there are a million things buzzing around in his head.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” I slide my hands down over his chest. Because Bishop and I touch each other that way. And we kiss. And after kissing him, I really want to know what it’s like to do more. I also know in a few minutes, I’m going to have to shake off this amazing feeling so I can get ready for the game. Just not yet.
Bishop takes a deep breath before smiling at me. “Nothing. Can’t wait to see you kick ass out there.”
Grinning, I lean forward to kiss him again.
“Jones!” Someone’s hockey stick clanks on my window. “Get off the guy and get your ass in the locker room!”
Mitch laughs, and Becca gives me a wave. Chomps and Matt are behind him and make kissy faces at me as they walk by.
I flip them off. Jerks.
I close my eyes for a moment, trying to clear my thoughts as I slide my fingers through his hair. “I love the way you mess with my head.”
“I love the way you mess with mine.” He stares into me. Deep. Like he always has. “Know that, okay?”
“I have to go.” I lean forward and press our lips together again. And then just touch his tongue with mine. He’s becoming a very nice addiction.
“I know. Go kick ass.” He leans forward and kisses me back. “We’ll talk after.”
“Bishop!” Gary pounds on the window as he laughs, but he’s also shaking his head.
“Okay.” I slide off Bishop, not thrilled with our interruptions, but ready to get into the game.
I even let him carry my bag.
…
Lucky bra. Lucky socks. Lucky leggings. Lucky shirt. I shake out my quivering hands. I slide on my pads and my jersey. My heart’s thrumming. Hammering. Thrumming. State. Senior year. I’m the only girl playing. I’m in the locker room alone. It’s quiet. Perfect.
My whole high school hockey career has come down to this. I’m not going home on the losing team.
Skates. I pull each step of laces tight before moving to the next. They have to be just right. Just so that I don’t have to touch them again. Tight. Ready. Helmet. Check. Mouthguard. Check. I shove Bishop out of my mind. Shove Mom out of my mind. Push away the picture of her and Ben. Thank Dad for making me love this game, which twists in my gut, but just for a moment. Reluctantly push away the picture of Bishop drumming without his shirt. Push away Gramps, after I imagine him giving me a thumbs-up.
For big games like this, I can’t even look for them in the crowd. I need to be in the zone. On the ice and nowhere else. I’m good. My head is clear. I’ve got lucky everything on, and I’m ready. I can kick ass. I can do this. My team can do this.
I stand up and head out to the ice knowing once I’m there, it’ll all fall into place. Like always.
…
I haven’t had a clear thought in the four minutes since the game started. There’s no time. The puck’s mine. Now Mitch’s. Now stolen. I fly toward number ten and ram him into the wall. Chomps flicks the puck back to Mitch, and ten is on my tail as I try to position myself in front of the goal.
I know Mitch. I know what’s he’s doing. He goes around the backside of their goal, and I fake like I’m moving back, but come forward just as the puck goes from Mitch’s stick to mine. I smash the thing with everything I have and hit net.
Holy. Shit. Goal one in State is mine.
I scream and throw my hands in the air. The crowd screams. Mitch slaps my back as I spin around.
“Way to go, Penny!” Matt yells from the goal.
Wow, this feels good. Better than good.
The puck’s on the ice. Back to game.
Number ten’s after me now. I can’t shake this guy, and he’s almost as big as Chomps.
At the end of first period, the score is still 1-0. Just me. Just mine. I’m gasping for air as we hit the bench.
Coach yells some words of encouragement. My whole body already hurts from being slammed. This is brutal.
“You okay, Penny?” Coach says more quietly as we head back out.
He never singles me out. “Good, why?”
“’Cause ten has it out for you. He’s a big guy.”
I just nod. This would piss me off coming from most people, but Coach has never treated me like I can’t handle myself. I hit the ice and look at the hulk of number ten again. Not a good idea. I can’t be afraid to get hit. Can’t. That’s the number one killer in a game.
I’m Penny.
No fear.
I’m fast.
I’m good.
I can play.
The puck hits the ice, and I’m back to instinct. I’ve never skated so hard, worked so fast, let instinct take over more. I can’t wait to watch this game because I know I’m playing good. UAF’s men’s coach will take me for sure after this. Still no goals from the opposing team. We can do this. I’m weak, like I’ve run ten miles, but only one more period’s gone by, which means one left and we win. One.
The whistle blows to start the final period, and number ten clips my shoulder, slamming me against the wall. A searing shot of pain goes through my arm, stealing my breath, but I can handle it. I can deal. I’m okay. My skates slice across the ice, and both teams race and weave to gain control of the puck and the game. I get slammed again. I fall. Exhaustion is taking over almost as much as the pain. Mitch flies behind the goal again, puck at the ready. I need to get in there to make sure we stay ahead.
My legs are starting to weaken, my shoulder’s a throbbing mess, but there’re less than ten minutes left. I can take Advil later. Right now, I need to play with everything I have.
Chapter Twenty-three
Bishop
Something’s not right. I don’t know what it is, but Penny doesn’t seem as fast as she was. She’s not letting anyone close to her. Yeah, I know she’s supposed to be dodging guys, but she’s doing it differently. It takes everything I have inside me not to jump out on the ice and take down number ten. He’s been on her ass all night, and it’s pissing me off. Hockey or not, he hits her again, and I’m out there.
Chill out, Riley, I tell myself. Penny doesn’t need me. She doesn’t need anyone. She can take care of herself. She’ll go off and play hockey, which is what she should do. Leave my ass behind.
I look around, starting to feel freaked out.
It doesn’t make it easier that the crowd is double what it was at her last game. People pushing, screaming, cheering, grabbing. It’s every fear that taunts me alive. If this wasn’t her game, I would have been gone a long time ago, but what kind of man am I if I can’t deal with a crowd for her? I need to find a way to calm my shakes before I spiral out of control.
Penny makes a turn, ice shooting up from her skate, and it calms me a little bit. She’s incredible out there. Everywhere, actually, but it’s so cool to see her skate like that.
And they’re going to win because of her. I know it.
I look a few rows behind me and see Penny’s mom with Ben. If you ask me, it’s pretty janky that she brought him here. She gives me a look of death, so I turn away. I’m not dealing with her tonight. It bothers me that Gramps isn’t here, though. Gramps and our talk and the pills are playing on a continuous loop in my mind. The more I think about them, the more it feels like everyone is gravitating toward me, squeezing around me tighter and tighter until I want to scream for a whole different reason.
Bishop! Bishop! Bishop!
I flinch, try to take some deep breaths, pretend I’m walking with Gary. They’re not here for me. No one’s yelling my name.
I hate that it’s like this. It shouldn’t be this way. It sucks that I’m teetering on the edge at a hockey game. Trying to shake it off, I look for Penny. Just as I do, she starts skating our way. Number ten is right behind her. He slams her into the wall so hard, I swear I feel the rumble. And then she hits the ice. My chest is getting tighter, like someone is squeezing the air out of me.
The crowd gasps. Pauses. I stare, waiting for her to get up. She doesn’t.
Everyone starts racing toward her. Coaches, an EMT, her team, I don’t know who else, but I know I have to get to her. To be there for her the way she’s unknowingly been there for me. I start shoving my way through the crowd.
“Bishop!” Gary yells from behind me, but I ignore him.
Deep breaths. Calm the fuck down, B. You can’t lose it right now. The crowd is tight. No one wants to let me through, and I’m struggling to breathe. It’s like they’re a wall, fighting to keep me from her, so I start pushing bodies with everything I have in me.
My chest cinches tighter.
Deep breaths.
In. Out. In. Out.
I feel like I’ve downed a bunch of uppers. My insides are twitchy, like they want to bust out of my body. I can’t control any of it. Nothing. Me. The crowd. No control.
“Bishop!” Gary yells again.
I just need Penny. Need to get to Penny. There are too many people around me, in front of me, to see her.
Hands clawing at my skin. People grabbing me. Bishop! Burn! Bishop, burn! Don’t crack up! It’s not real.
Deep breaths, deep breaths, deep breaths.
She’s not getting up. Why isn’t she getting up?
Finally, I push my way onto the ice. If I took the time, I might be able to breathe right now, but it’s not important. I’m slipping like crazy, but again, it doesn’t matter. A million years later, I get to the people blocking her.
They’re crowding around her. Give her room to breathe!
“Pen,” rushes out of my mouth when I get to her. Her mom is by her side, and she gives me another one of those evil looks. Right now? Fuck her. I don’t care. This is about Penny. Ben steps in front of me when I reach for her.
“Her mom doesn’t want you around her. Maybe you should back up.”
“And I’m pretty sure Penny wouldn’t want you around her.” I shove him aside and he falls to the ice. Someone yells, “Hey!” and a ton of hard stares come down on me. Burn, Bishop, Burn! Hands grabbing me.
They’re loading her onto a gurney.
“Penny.” I reach out and touch her hand. They took her gloves off so it’s just her skin, all soft. Her bones, all fragile. So fragile. Her eyelids flutter a few times, but her body’s still slack.
Ben grabs my shoulder. “Back up!”
I just want to make sure she’s okay. They should understand that. I need her to be okay. I shake him off. My finger is latched onto Penny’s. Her Mom is there again, breaking our contact, leaning over Penny. “What’s wrong? How bad is she hurt? Is she awake?” She can hate me later. Right now, I just need to know about Penny.
“Get out of the way,” she replies. Ben grabs for me, and I shove him again. People gasp all around me.
A coach grabs me this time. “We need you to get off the ice!”
Everyone is staring.
Mitch skates up and tries to grab my arm, but I jerk away. I can’t handle being touched right now.
“She’ll be okay, Bishop.”
I ignore him.
Breathe, breathe, breathe.
Sweat makes my eyes sting.
They’re wheeling Penny away.
Dizzy. I can’t believe I’m fucking dizzy right now. I feel like I could puke. Pass out. Fall down. Something. Everything is blurry. The crowd is both loud and muted at the same time. People are looking at me. Somehow, they’re transformed into a crowd at one of my shows. Waiting for me. Penny’s gone, and all I can think about is her. Gramps. Gramps isn’t here. He would be down on the ice if he was. Gramps has to know she’s hurt.
They’re not going to let me see her, but Gramps will make sure she’s okay for me. Get me in to see if she’s okay.
Breathe, breathe, breathe.
I start to run. The ice is slippery as hell. My heart feels like it might burst, but I keep going.
I’m out of the building and don’t even take the time to suck in a deep breath. I run for Bitty, pulling the keys out of my pocket as I go.
I slam the truck into first, the tires spinning as I peel out of the parking lot.
I almost run off the road three times, the tires slipping and sliding, but I just need to get home. Tell Gramps. Check on Penny. She’ll be okay. Everything will be okay.
The only reason I know I turned off the truck when I get home is I use the keys to unlock her house. “Gramps!”
Breathe, breathe, breathe. Don’t lose it right now. Not when it counts. She can do anything. She’s way better than me. I need to do this for her. “Gramps! She’s hurt. She needs you. We need you!”
Music is playing, but I can’t find him anywhere. My legs are shaking so bad I can hardly stand, but I push myself. Keep going. Have to keep going. “Gramps!”
I make it to the kitchen. I’m not breathing anymore. My heart isn’t beating, but somehow I make myself run to Gramps who’s lying on the floor, a pie teetering on the edge of the table.
“No! No, no, no! Fuck no!” I fall to the floor next to him. Grab him. Pull his head to my lap. My hands are shaking so hard I can’t even tell if there’s a pulse. Get it together. I need to get it together. Don’t fuck this up.
My chest is cracked open, everything inside me spilling out. Gramps. Penny. How can this be happening? “Wake up. Wake up, old man. Penny needs you.” I need you.
I shake him. Please wake up. I need him to wake up. I love you, too. Rocking. With his head in my lap, I rock. Look down at his beard. There’s grease on his face again. Crazy old man, always has grease on his face.
And then it’s wet, my tears hitting him the same way Mom’s hit me in the hospital.
“You’re doing good, son. We’ll get through this together. I’ll be there every step of the way.”
“You said we’d do it together. You said you’d be there. You have to be there.” More rocking. My head is blurry. The room is blurry. I just want it all to go away. Everything. It’s too much. Please be there. I need you. I can’t do it, Old Man.
Fighting, I try to stop shaking, to stop rocking, but I can’t. It’s taking me over, possessing me. Penny, Gramps…
“Bishop! What are you—oh shit.” Gary falls to the floor next to me. He’s on his phone. Yelling into it. Yelling at me. Pushing me out of the way so Gramps is flat on the floor. My brain tells my body to do something, but I’m frozen.
“Snap out of it, Bishop! I need your help!” Leaning over, he breathes into Gramps’s mouth. CPR. Gramps is gone. He loved me. He knew all about me and still loved me.
“Push on his chest. Snap the fuck out of it and help me!” he yells.
I’m screwing it up. Like always. Get it together! For once, I need to not mess something up. Fighting down everything else inside me, I find the spot in the center of his chest and start compressions.
Gary gives him more air. Gramps has no air. Gary’s breathing for him. I’m trying to start his heart when he’s always been able to do everything.
Over and over, we try to bring Gramps back to us. I’m on autopilot, no idea what I’m doing, but managing to do it. EMTs show up. Shove me out of the way. Give Gramps air. Push on his chest.
Gary’s pacing. Talking to an EMT. My legs are so weak I reach out so the table can hold me up, but I miss and almost crash to the floor.
I’m numb. More numb than I’ve ever been. I can’t feel anything. Don’t know if I’m breathing, but I know I need out. Out of the house. Out of my own skin. Out of everything.
Staggering, I stumble to my cabin. I have no idea how I get inside. With all the strength and anger inside me, I kick my drums until they topple down, smash my foot over and over into them. Pain shoots up my leg, but I don’t care. Penny is hurt. Gramps is gone. I know it. Know he’s not coming back. How can he leave me? Doesn’t he know I need him? How much Penny needs him? He was fine yesterday. Fine. We worked on the car, and laughed, and talked, and he told me we’d do this together. He made me believe. He made me feel strong.
More stumbling and then I make it to my room. I don’t know why I go there, what I want. Actually I know what I want, but I can’t have it. My foot catches on the chair, and I fall forward and let loose. Cries climb up my throat. My gut cramps. I wanted to save him. Couldn’t save him. He’s gone. Gone. Penny’s hurt, and I couldn’t save Gramps for her—for me. I’m losing it.
It’s not like I did anything to deserve being happy anyway.
I roll on the ground, my eyes blur with tears. My suitcase sits in front of me, taunting me. I can hardly make it out through the blur of my vision. My shaking increases. My heart slam-dances in my chest.
He could have missed one.
I actually crawl to my suitcase, rip it open. Please let him have left one. It takes me three times to push my fingers inside. Finally they’re there and…harder, my heart pounds harder. There’s a baggy inside.
He didn’t take them. Why didn’t he take them? Maybe he didn’t get a chance. Maybe he forgot. What matters is they’re here when I need them. I rip it out. Open. Twelve pills.
I want to throw them across the room.
I want to take them all.
Gary giving Gramps air. Pushing on his chest.
Penny getting slammed into the wall. Falling, falling. Her mom’s words. She’ll never let me be a part of Penny’s life. I don’t deserve to be, never have.
It’ll be my last one. No more.
Why didn’t I tell Gramps I loved him, too?
I dump them into my shaking hand and toss I don’t even know how many into my mouth. The rest fall to the floor and scatter. Stumbling, I go to the bathroom, then turn on the tap.
What am I doing? I don’t want to do this.
I need this.
I cup my hands, fill them with water, and drink down the pills and liquid before sliding down the wall and hitting the floor.
I’m floating away…further and further the longer I sit here. The pain is masked, hiding behind the clouds of high. I can breathe. I’m free. It feels so good. I shouldn’t have fought this. Why did I fight this?
Soaking in this light, fluffy feeling, I kick my legs out in front of me. This is the freedom Gary talked about. The pain keeps getting further away, and it feels incredible.
Alaska Bishop is gone.
Gramps pushes his way through the haze. He worked with me. Believed in me. Loved me. I’m letting him down.
Gary shoves his way in next. He stood up for me. Protected me. Took time from Troy to help me. Walked with me. Talked with me. I’m letting him down.
Mom’s hand is in my hair. She always loved me. Took care of me. Let me have my dreams. She did everything to keep Dad away from us. I want to take care of her. There’s no way to do it like this. I don’t want to let her down anymore.
Penny. Penny. Her hands on my sides. Her lips against mine. Vanilla and gasoline. I feel the adrenaline when we race. How good I felt just carrying her hockey bag. She trusts me. Talks to me. Likes me. Bishop Ripe, not Bishop Riley. I don’t have to be a rock star for her. And I lied to her. I don’t want to lie to her anymore. I want to deserve her trust.
This is my biggest fuck up of all. All my plans, what I told Gramps, Gary, rehab. I’m blowing it to hell. It makes me sick. I make myself sick. Gramps just died, and I don’t know what’s wrong with Penny, and I’m high. Hatred burns through me.
Lurching forward, I stick my finger down my throat trying to get rid of the poison inside me. Trying to be the Bishop I want to be. It tastes like crap. My throat burns. My stomach feels like it’s shriveling I puke so hard, but I don’t want to leave anything else in there. I don’t want it inside me ever again.
When nothing else will come out, I pull out my cell and type two words.
I’m sorry
After hitting send, I push to my feet and run outside.
