Текст книги "Taking Chances"

Автор книги: Molly McAdams

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Текущая страница: 18 (всего у книги 27 страниц)

“I'm sorry,” I whispered, my voice raspy from the short nap, “I didn't mean to fall asleep.”

He smiled and tucked a loose chunk of hair behind my ear, “Don't worry about it, you were tired.”

“Mhmm. I had a great time though, thanks for taking me.”

“Anytime, get some sleep.” He leaned over and kissed my forehead softly once. As soon as his lips touched me, my gummy bear woke up.

I laughed once, “I don't think that will be happening, he's been asleep until now, he'll start kicking soon and won't stop for the next few hours.”

Brandon slid onto the bed and put his hands under my shirt, resting them on my stomach. I sucked in a quick gasp but didn't say anything. We'd already gone way past our friend-only-touching-zone when he'd held me and I kissed him on the cheek this morning. He may talk to my gummy bear every day, but when his hands were on me, they were always over my shirt. Not now though. Now, I was lying in bed, he had his hands on my bare stomach, gently caressing it, and was looking at me from under thick black eyelashes. All I could think about was kissing him. My baby was going crazy, moving his legs and arms back and forth, and Brandon looked so happy I closed my eyes and pictured a world where this could be okay. A world where Brandon and I had stayed together, eventually gotten married and were now expecting.

After what must have been at the very least ten minutes later, Brandon leaned forward, his deep voice husky and hypnotic, “Be good to your mom little man, she needs to sleep.” and then he kissed my stomach. So soft, so tender, I couldn't be sure if I'd imagined it. Then he straightened and came closer to me, “Good night, I'll see you tomorrow sweetheart.”

I wrapped my hands around his neck and brought his face closer to mine, when our lips were barely an inch away I paused, giving both of us that opportunity to stop. We stared into each other’s eyes for a few moments and I finally pressed my mouth to his. Our lips were still for a brief second before they began moving against each other in perfect unison. His tongue glided against my bottom lip and I opened my mouth to him, allowing us to explore each other for the first time in almost half a year. A wave of heat rushed through my body and I pulled him closer. Brandon moved his mouth in a line along my jaw to my ear and down my throat. He nipped at the hollow at the base of my neck and a soft moan escaped my mouth. I brought his face back up to mine, but our kisses slowed until he was barely brushing his lips against mine.

“I'll see you tomorrow Harper, sweet dreams.” He whispered into my mouth before kissing me hard one last time.

On their own accord, my hands reached out for him, “Can you stay with me?”

Heat flashed through his hazel eyes, “Not tonight. I want to be sure this is what you want.” I started to protest, but he stopped me with another mind blowing kiss, when he pulled back, both of us were breathless, “Sleep on it, we'll talk tomorrow.”

***

I woke early the next morning and stayed in bed for almost two hours thinking about what I want. I know what I want, but I don't know if I can have that. I think I lost the right to have it, and how would the family feel if I were to start dating Brandon again? Would they think I'd never actually cared for Chase, and that every day I wasn't constantly wishing for another stupid time machine so I could go back and stop him? I felt like it would be one big screw you to them. I mentally kicked myself for letting myself act on my feelings for Brandon last night as I took a shower and walked downstairs for some breakfast.

“Hey Mom.” I kissed her cheek and thanked her for the protein smoothie she'd made me. “Good timing...?”

“I heard you in the shower, figured you'd be down here soon. How did everything go yesterday?”

“It was really nice. Like, oddly nice.”

Mom tilted her head to the side and gave me her, I'm thoroughly confused but know you're about to tell me anyway so I'll keep my mouth shut, face and waited. I told her about the weird conversation with Carrie after we'd first gotten there and about the rest of the time with Brandon's family. I finished by lamely admitting that I'd kissed Brandon last night before he left.

She smiled and grabbed my hand, “I know you think you can't, but you can move on in that area of your life too. In fact, you should. Chase wouldn't want you to raise the baby and live your life alone.”

“I won't be alone,” I countered, “I'll have you guys.”

“You will have us, always, but don't shut love out of your life. Chase would want you to have a husband, he would want the baby to have a father.” She wiped a tear from her cheek.

“But isn't this too soon? I'm so confused, it's like when I was fighting my feelings for Chase when I was dating Brandon, only now I feel like I'm acting as if Chase didn't matter to me by even considering anything with Brandon.”

“For a lot of people, two months is too soon. But your situation is entirely different because of what happened between the three of you before. So that doesn't exactly apply to you and Brandon now. If you're worried about us Harper, don’t. We all want for you to be happy, and we agree Brandon makes you happy. We wouldn't have called him to help you out of your mourning if we were afraid you would eventually go back to him.

“If you want to do this on your own, then you should. But, if you want to be with him, don't miss your chance with him again. He's good for you, and though he has every right to be bitter about your baby, he already loves him more than we could ever hope a man in your life would.” She paused for a minute and leaned back in her chair, “I know what Chase thought of him, and I promise he would be happy with your choice. He knew Brandon could take care of, and love you, better than anyone. That's why he didn't interfere with your relationship for so long.”

We sat in silence a few minutes while I let that sink in. It's like she knew exactly what I needed to hear, to know the family wouldn't judge me, and most importantly, for someone to tell me Chase would want me to be happy and move on too. Claire leaned over and hugged me tight before speaking again, “I think the real question is, how did you feel after you kissed him?”

“Like I could finally breathe again.” I answered honestly. “I still love him Mom.”

“I know you do, sweetie.”

“Is that wrong?”

“Not at all, and it doesn't dismiss the love you had, and still have for Chase. I know how you've always felt about both of them. Tell me,” she switched directions, her face suddenly mischievous, “how was the kiss? He sure was up there longer than I thought he would be, seeing how he had to carry your sleeping butt up there.”

Heat flooded my cheeks and a wide smile quickly stretched across my face, “Amazing.” I said a little breathless, remembering his lips on mine and moving down my neck. Mom chuckled at my expression.

“Hmm...” Bree walked sluggishly in the kitchen with Konrad, “Mom's giggling, and Harper's blushing. I have to know what's going on here.” She hugged me and sat on Konrad's lap in the seat next to mine.

“Harper kissed Brandon last night.” Mom was leaning over the table like she was sharing some seriously juicy gossip.

“Well it's about damn time!” Bree said faking a little exasperation.

I looked at her stunned, “How can you even say that? It's only been two months Bree.”

Her face fell to a sympathetic smile, “I know, but you're only holding back because you're afraid of letting go of Chase's memory. Tell me friend, has anything changed in your heart? If Brandon asked you right now to marry him, what would you say?”

Yes. I didn’t even have to think about that or answer it for that matter, “But Bree –”

“Allowing yourself to be with Brandon isn't a bad thing. It's also not discarding what you had with Chase, and it's what he would want for you. We all do.”

That's exactly what Mom had been saying, I looked between the three of them, my eyes narrowing. “Have you guys been talking about this? Why am I just finding this all out?”

“Because you needed the time to heal enough to the point where you would know if you wanted to be with Brandon or not. We didn't want to push you either way by saying it was okay too early.” Mom said simply. “Sweetie, honestly, if you want to be with him you should. Don’t let anything stop you from loving him and letting him love you and your baby.”

“But I don’t know how to go about this. What would be okay in a relationship with him?”

“What do you mean?” Bree asked.

“I mean – I don’t know. This whole thing is just so weird and confusing. I already,” I looked at them quickly, my cheeks heating with shame, “um, I already think about him playing Dad for Gummy Bear. He’s so sweet with him and I find myself thinking how good of a father he would be. I’m afraid if I were to be with him again, I would just assume he would want to play that part and that isn’t fair to Brandon. Or what if he didn’t want that role at all? I can’t pressure him into even having to make that kind of a decision.”

“Kid,” Konrad snorted, “I’m sorry, but really? You really think all that?”

“No. But I feel like I’m taking advantage of him or something.”

“Okay, it’s painfully obvious to us that he would be there for you and GB in a heartbeat. But hearing you say that, it’s just so frustrating knowing that you two are doing this to each other. You sound just like Brandon.”

“What do you mean?”

“I love you Kid, but God you’re so dense sometimes. He freaking loves you. And I know you know that. But he’s terrified that he’s going to push you away with his feelings for you and GB. It doesn’t help that you keep telling him you guys can’t be together.” He momentarily took a hand off Bree’s thigh to stop me when my mouth opened, “I know why you say that, and he gets it too. But all of us are just waiting for the day when you guys finally acknowledge the fact that you can’t live without each other. So you’re sitting here telling us you’re afraid of pushing him into something you think he might not want to go into, or you think he shouldn’t have to. And when we go work out or surf, all he can talk about is wanting to take care of you and GB for the rest of your lives, but he’s worried that if he says anything you’ll shut him out for good. You know he told me he’d rather be your friend for the rest of his life than risk not being able to make sure you guys are happy and okay?”

“Oh Brandon.” I whispered. “God I’ve been so selfish, he needs to go live his life. I need to make him leave.”

“No, you’ve been stupid. I’m sorry,” his hands went back in surrender as he looked at Mom, “but someone needs to say it to her. Harper,” he waited until I was looking in his eyes, “you love him, and you want to be with him. He loves you and GB and would give anything to be with you. So stop fighting it, this is like ten times worse than you not telling Chase you were pregnant. And yeah, I knew then too.” Bree, Mom and I all stared at him in shock, “I was with you and Bree all the time, it was obvious right away what was going on.”

There was a knock on the door and the three of them turned to me with smirks on their faces.

“Konrad’s right friend. If you really want this, then tell Brandon. You’re the only one who’s been stopping it.”

I blushed and went to the door, heart fluttering. Brandon's gray eyes and wide smile were all I could look at when I opened the door. He hugged me quickly and crouched down to tell my gummy bear about how he'd gotten his ass handed to him by one of the guys at the gym because he'd been so distracted all morning. An elbow jabbed me and Brandon kissed where he'd felt it, then stood up and searched my eyes. If Konrad was right, and honestly I had no doubt that he was, then I was being stupid for trying to stop this. I loved him and the thought of not being with him for even another moment felt like the purest form of torture. I needed to change this. Fix it. Now.

“Morning.” His warm voice was soft and unsure.

“I'm glad you're here, I was worried after last night you wouldn't come by again.”

“Of course I'm here. Are you okay? After what happened, I mean. If I pushed you too much, you can tell me and I'll back off.”

I smiled and grabbed his arm, “I seem to remember being the one who started it.” Pulling him closer in, I leaned up on my toes and kissed him soundly.

“Harper,” he rested his forehead against mine after we pulled away, “I need you to tell me what you're wanting from this. It would probably be a bad idea for me to just assume what’s happening between us.”

I took a deep breath and ran my fingers across the back of his neck, “I can't imagine my life without you in it, and I'll take that any way I can because I don't deserve you, but –” I huffed out a frustrated laugh, my earlier fears threatening to stop me, “It's not fair to even ask anything from you.”

“Let me be the judge of that.” He kissed my nose then rested his forehead against mine again.

He wants this too. He wants this too. And you’re stopping it. I took another deep breath in and out before talking, “Even though I messed up before, I never stopped loving you, and I want to be with you in every way possible. The way you talk to him, and take care of us even though there's no reason for you to, well, I get flashes of you helping me raise him, as a family. And I want that. I want it bad. But I feel horrible for even telling you this. He's not yours, and what led to me getting pregnant is what broke your heart. So I can't ask you to do that. No matter how much I want it, I can't ask for a future with you because of what I did, it would be selfish.”

“I tried to live without you Harper, I tried to let you go and I couldn't. To me, there is no one else, it's only been you since the day I met you. I love you, which means I love him too. Those flashes you get? I have them all the time.” He cupped my face gently and leaned back to look in my eyes, “It doesn't matter to me that he isn't mine. If you let me, I'll raise him like he is, I'll take care of both of you for the rest of my life, and I promise I'll be right there with you to tell him about Chase, and how great his dad was.”

Tears filled my eyes and eventually pooled over, I don't know what I ever did to deserve men like Chase and Brandon, and their families, but I was thanking God for putting all of them in my life. “If we do this,” I warned, “you won't be able to get rid of me again.” I laughed and kissed him softly, “I'm in this forever if you are.” I whispered against his mouth.

“Forever.” He agreed and scooped me into his arms, carrying me to the living room, our lips never parting.

When he sat on the couch, I pulled back slightly to smile at him, and caught a glimpse of my family still sitting at the table. I looked closer to see the three of them smiling at us, Bree and Mom had tear-streaked faces. I remembered how much the entryway echoed and knew they'd heard everything. Having them support me and being happy for us meant the world to me, as I'm sure it did for Brandon.

Brandon had been looking at them as well, and turned to smile at me, “I love you Harper.”

If my heart could sing, it would be now. We'd told each other in discussions that we still loved each other, but hearing him say it right now, like this, was like the world was finally right again. “I love you too.” I trailed my fingertips down his hard jaw, and reached up to kiss him again. “You're sure you want to do this? Be a dad, early morning feedings, school and sports, teenage years...be with me for the next sixty years?”

“I think we could try for seventy.” He whispered, hovering over my lips. Now that we’d had a taste of each other again, it seemed like having our mouths apart from each other would physically cause us pain. “And yes, to all of the above.”

***

“Is everything okay Brandon?” I asked him a few hours later as we sat near the pool after lunch. He'd gotten oddly quiet all of a sudden.

He thought for a second before responding, “I'm afraid I'm going to move too fast for you. You were with Chase and planning a future and family with him up until the accident. All I've been able to think about is you, I knew there wouldn't ever be anyone else. Over the last couple months, I tried to only be your friend, and I would have stayed that way if you asked me to. That didn't stop me from thinking of everything I would do if I ever got you back though. But now that I have you again, the only thing the time away from you did, was make me want you more. So now I'm right back to where I was before we broke up, wanting nothing more than to buy a house with you and marry you. But I don't know when it would be okay to do any of that because of what happened. And I know what you said about raising him with you, but I don't know if that's all you actually want me to do when it comes to him, just be the guy that helps you raise him. I want to be the dad that raises him, his dad. I just don't know if that's okay with you or if you think I'll be trying to take Chase's place.”

“Brandon,” I frowned a little, with what we'd been talking about earlier, I thought we were on the same page. Apparently not. “okay let's clear this all up, so there's no more confusion. Considering everything we had before, I think we are way beyond worrying about moving too fast. I want to marry you, more than anything. But I don't care when that happens, it can happen tomorrow or it can happen two years from now. I had tried to explain it to Chase, but I don't think he actually understood that I didn't need to be married just because I was having a baby. With Chase though, I hadn't been planning a future with him until after he found out about the baby, I had already known way before that, that I wanted to marry you.

“I'll admit I was worried just being with you would be moving too fast after the accident for other people, but with the way I feel, and after talking to Mom, Bree and Konrad, I don't think we are. Mom was right, our situation is completely different, and it doesn't matter what other people think. This is our life together, not theirs.” I laid down on my back, and put a hand over my eyes to shield the sun, “Answer me something before I continue. Being his dad, you really want that?”

He turned onto his side, his face hovering over mine, “I do.”

“Good.” I smiled and wrapped a hand around his neck, “I don't want you to just be the guy that raises him. What you said this morning, was more than perfect. I want you to be his dad, I want him to be your son. I want you to be my husband and if we have more kids later on in life, I don't want them to be our kids, and him” I pointed to my stomach, “be my kid. I agree he needs to know about Chase, but you're going to be Dad to him, and he's going to be ours. Just like any other child we have.

“I want you to be at the rest of the appointments if you want to, and don't worry, Dr. Lowdry already knows about you. She pulled me aside during my second appointment and asked about the father, I ended up breaking down and telling her the whole story. I swear those Doctors are trained to be therapists too. She knows that Chase died, and she knows you've been there for me. Honestly, she's like Bree and Mom, I doubt she'll be surprised to see you there. So if you want to be there, then I would love for you to come with me. I want you to help me name him, and if it's okay, I want you in the room with me when I deliver. I'm telling you, I'm not going to pick and choose what you can and can't do, I want you there for everything. I’ve wanted you there for everything, but I’ve been denying myself of what I want and pushing my emotions away. Now that we’re done pretending, I’m ready for it all, but you need to tell me if you're uncomfortable with any of this.”

“If you were any other girl, I would be. But you're my world Harper, no matter how strange our situation may be, being with you and starting a family with you feels right.”

“I completely agree.” I whispered against his neck and pressed my lips there twice. “Are we all clear now? Anything else we need to cover?”

“Will you move in with me, let me take care of you and marry me?”

“Are you proposing Brandon Taylor?” I teased, looking up into his brown eyes.

He smiled and caught my lips with his, “Not until I have a ring for you sweetheart.”

“Good because that would have been a horrible proposal. And in the words of the man I love, yes to all of the above.”