Текст книги "Taking Chances"

Автор книги: Molly McAdams

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Текущая страница: 16 (всего у книги 27 страниц)

Brandon simply nodded.

“I'm upset that he did this, but I don't know why I am. From the beginning, I knew Chase wasn't the kind of guy to be in a relationship, and then after that stupid weekend with him, I kept pushing him back because I knew one day he would leave me. From the first day I met him, we'd push each other away and he would ignore me for long periods of time. His family told me it was because I was with you, and he couldn't stand to see us together. But I didn't know that until you and I had broken up, and even then wasn't sure I believed it.” I knew I shouldn't say this next part, but it was like I couldn't stop talking now that I'd started, I had wanted to talk to Brandon about everything, and apparently I was going to do it now, “I regretted that weekend with him instantly, I couldn't believe I'd done that to you. I was so in love with you,” I choked up a bit and had to clear my throat and take a calming breath to continue, “and for some stupid reason I was in love with him too. I always had been, and hated it. I wanted him out of my mind, out of my heart and out of my life.

“All I wanted was you. But I messed up, I gave in and took that chance with him even though I knew it would eventually hurt both you and me. When you came back from Arizona, I promised I would never do anything against you again, that I would love you and try to be worthy of your love too. Unfortunately, as you noticed, I couldn't stop thinking about him. It would drive me crazy, thinking about you and our future, thinking about how much I couldn't stand Chase, and then of course how much I loved him despite my hate for him. I would go around and around, but I knew what I wanted, and it was a life with you. I had just started to realize I wouldn't get over him until I had my closure with him, but a part of me was afraid of what would happen when I saw him again.”

Brandon was still silent, but his eyes were shining with tears he was working to hold back.

“Then I found out I was pregnant, and I knew it was my punishment for what I'd done to you. Like the universe didn't want me to get away with what I'd done, and my conflicting feelings, without paying for them. I had to tell you immediately, I already hated keeping that weekend from you, I wasn't going to be able to keep this from you too. You deserved to know before he did, you deserved to hear it from me in the beginning, rather than see the evidence and put two and two together. And you deserved to have a little time to try and move on with your life before I told Chase and you had to see us together.”

“The time didn't make a difference Harper.” He paused for a moment before continuing, “I have been wondering something though, and after hearing you just now, I'm more confused than ever. You don't have to answer if you don't want to.”

“I owe you every explanation.”

He ran his hands over his face and curled one over the other’s fist, resting his forehead against them. “I understand that you love Chase, and when we were together you loved both of us, but you wouldn't take that next step. I was fine waiting as long as you needed, I thought you weren't ready, and then all of a sudden you're pregnant with Chase's baby? Why was it okay with him and not me? And then after, you still wouldn't be with me, but you’re saying you wanted a life with me, not him. I just don't understand.”

This was going to hurt him, “I hadn't been ready, and then that night with Chase happened and it clicked. I remember thinking this was exactly why I had never been able to take that next step with you.” Brandon flinched and mashed his lips together, “I'm sorry Brandon! I'm so sorry, I'll stop. I was just trying to be completely honest with you.”

“No, keep going. I need to know this.” He watched me study his face, trying to figure out if I should continue, “Harper, please, don't hold anything back.”

Taking a deep breath I thought back to where I'd ended, “Well, um, after you came back, I couldn't bring myself to go there with you. I already knew that you were who I wanted to be with, but I kept telling myself I couldn't do that to Chase, and was afraid that if I were to be with you, it would just be to clear my conscious. None of that was true, a huge part of the reason I couldn't bring myself to have sex with you after I'd been with Chase, was because you were still under the impression that I was a virgin, and you'd been so patient with me. Then that one night, I was ready, and Scarecrow called and you got hurt. That's why I was so frustrated on the ride over, I'd finally decided I was ready and I still couldn't be with you. I took it as a sign that I should wait. I figured then that unless you knew the truth, I couldn't tell you I was ready. And obviously, I didn't have a clue how to tell you, or if I could tell you. Then all of a sudden it didn't matter anymore, I had to tell you what happened, and I knew it would crush you.”

“It did.”

“I wish you knew how sorry I am.”

“Why are you telling me this now Harper? Is it because of what Chase did?”

My stomach twisted thinking of him and Trish, “No, I've wanted to talk to you about all this for so long. But I didn't know how, or if I could and didn't think you'd ever give me a chance even if I tried. And honestly, I think Chase has been making sure we don't see each other.”

“Why? You'd already left me for him, you guys are having a baby together.”

I shrugged. Brandon knew why, I just didn't want to have to say it out loud. “Have you been seeing anyone?”

“No.” He snorted, shook his head and looked towards the other tables before back to me, “I don't know how you never seemed to realize this, but I was madly in love with you Harper.”

“I did know that.” I said softly.

“I've never loved anyone that way, I know it was early in our relationship, but I knew I was going to marry you someday. I've dated plenty of girls, and held long relationships with a few, but none that ever could be compared to you. That's not something you just move on from, no matter how badly I want to.” He took a deep breath as his face fell and stayed silent for a while, “I still can't see my life with anyone but you. I still love you Harper, baby included.”

Why did he have to say these things to me? This would be a bad conversation to have at any time, but now, after what just happened with Chase, it's dangerous. If I didn't put an end to this conversation now, I'd be running into Brandon's arms in just a couple minutes. I can't give in to the white knight syndrome, not that a relationship with him would ever be that. I love Brandon. But I hurt him to be with Chase, and now Chase hurt me. I can't just go back to Brandon because Chase dismissed me. I'd be like a ping pong ball, bouncing back and forth to whoever is most convenient at that time.

“I love you too. I hope to someday marry someone as amazing as you. You are going to make someone extremely happy Brandon, and I'm sure I'll hate her because she got you.” I smiled at him softly, “My reason for moving to San Diego was to get away from my life and to find out who I am, and I haven't even given myself the chance to do that. I met you just weeks after moving here and fell in love with you instantly, I was afraid my feelings for you were so strong only because you were my first kiss, first boyfriend, and first love...but we both know that's not it. What we had, was something rare. I screwed that up and almost immediately went into a relationship with Chase. I need to find out who I am outside of a relationship, before I can ever attempt another one. And you need to find someone who will treat you better than I did. You need to move on Brandon.”

I got out of the booth and pulled my purse straps onto my shoulder. Brandon stood too and hesitantly brought me in for a long embrace. I tried to memorize the feel of his warm arms around me, his muscled chest moving against my head with every breath he took.

“In order to start this, I need to stop running from everything and everyone. Can you please take me home? I need to talk with Mom and Dad, and confront Chase. If he's even there.”

Brandon's smile was sad when he let me go and led me out of the restaurant. Other than a quick call to Konrad to see if he could catch a ride with him after he dropped me off, the ride to Mom's was silent. It wasn't completely uncomfortable, we were both just too lost in our own thoughts to even try to have a conversation. After pulling into the drive and getting out of the car, Brandon scrounged around the back until he found my phone and handed it back to me. We were still silent for the few moments we stood there glaring at Chase's truck before heading towards the front door.

“Will you promise me something Harper?”

“That really depends on what it is.” I answered honestly.

His sexy smirk was back for a second before his face grew serious, “If you guys move past this, please don't go back to him just because he's the father.”

I looked deep into his green eyes and hoped he saw the truth in my response, “I promise.”

“I'll wait out here for Konrad, I don't think it would be a good idea for me to see Chase right now.”

“Thank you for everything Brandon, I'll see you later.” I hugged him and let him cup my face for a few moments before walking in the door.

“Harper?!” Bree's concerned voice reached me before I saw her round the corner and crush herself to me, being careful not to touch my stomach, “I've been so worried about you.”

“Wasn't Brandon talking to you?”

“Yes, but that's not the same.” She pulled away and I noticed her tear streaked face.

“I'm sorry Bree, I really just needed time to myself for a while.”

“I understand.”

Konrad came up behind her and kissed her on the cheek, then pulled me into a soft hug and kissed the top of my head. “Is he outside?” I nodded, “I'll take him back then, I'm sorry this is happening Kid.”

I lightly laughed, “You know, since I'm having a baby, I'm not sure you can keep calling me Kid. Besides you're only two months older than me.”

Bree and Konrad both rolled their eyes at my failed attempt to lighten the mood. They kissed quickly and she grabbed my hands as he walked out the door. “You ready, or do you need more time? He won't bother you if you do.”

“No, I need to do this.”

We walked into the living room, and I almost chickened out when I saw Chase sitting on the couch. He lifted his head when he heard us come in and started to stand but Robert held him down. His eyes were puffy and red, and his cheeks were still wet. Robert tried to smile warmly at me, but it came out more of a grimace, and Claire looked like a wreck. She wrapped her arms around me and began crying. It took me a minute, but after recounting Bree's worry that I wouldn't come back, I realized why everyone else was upset too. Mom and Dad thought I would leave and take their grandchild with me.

I squeezed her waist and whispered so only she could hear me, “I won't take your grandson away from you Mom, promise.”

“Oh honey, I'm glad for that, but that's not what I'm worried about. I'm hurting for you Harper, I love you as if you were my own daughter.” She kissed my cheek, then the three of them left, leaving Chase and I alone in the room.

“Baby –”

“Don't. Call. Me. That.” I hissed through gritted teeth.

“Harper please, I messed up.” A choked sob escaped and his tears started falling harder. “I don't remember anything, you have to believe that I wouldn't do that to you.”

“Why her Chase? The one person I hate! How could you do this to me? How could you do this to our baby?!” I fell into a chair near me and kept my eyes on him.

“I didn't. I mean I don't know, I don't remember anything! I was at the party and the next thing I know I'm waking up to Breanna and Konrad screaming at me and Trish is in my bed with me. But I swear I wouldn't touch her, I wouldn't touch anyone. I love you!”

So the tramp got back in his bed after we all left, completely distraught? Classy. “You really expect me to believe this? You know how I feel about her Chase, and then you invite her to a party I just happen to not be at? Everyone thinks you came back to me last night, and yet she walks out of your room this morning wearing your shirt and you were practically naked in the bed?”

“I didn't invite her, she invited me over again and I told her no with the excuse of the party. I didn't know she was going to show up.”

“Why did you have to have the party as an excuse? Why can't I be excuse enough? You should have told her a long time ago that she needed to stop, that you were in a relationship and going to be a father and her flirting with you wasn't okay! Instead, you let her continue to flirt with you and invite you over to her place in the middle of the night. When I was around she would be hanging off your arm, and you think I'm going to believe that you didn't sleep with her when I wasn't around?”

“I thought she was gay! But I wouldn't sleep with her baby you have to believe me!”

“You're still sticking with that? That is exactly why I don't believe you, you can't even tell me the truth when you know I've seen the pictures.”

His face fell, and eyes grew wide, “What pictures?” He whispered horrified, when I didn't answer he shot off the couch, his deep voice so loud I almost covered my ears, “WHAT PICTURES HARPER!?”

“Come on Chase, they were taken with and sent to me from your phone.”

He yanked his phone out of his pocket and checked it for a minute, “I don't see anything.” He mumbled.

I powered up my phone and waited for it to stop chiming from the dozens of texts and voicemails I'd received from Chase, Bree and Mom. When they were done I opened the texts from Chase and scrolled through the ones he had sent me after waking up this morning, until I got to the pictures. I held my phone out and waited for him to come get it. He took it with a shaking hand and after a moment that felt like a lifetime sucked in a sharp gasp.

“Oh God. No. No, no I wouldn't.” His legs gave out and he hit the ground hard.

“Well, you obviously did.” My voice was shaky, but I kept myself calm.

“I don't remember this, I wouldn't do this to you! You know I love you!”

“Maybe you were just that drunk.”

“I didn't drink last night, I swear! Ask Bree!”

“Chase,” my voice was low, almost soft, “just stop lying to me.”

“I'm not lying!” He scooted closer to me and placed his hands on my thighs, “Please believe me!”

I removed his hands and took a deep breath, “Chase, if you still want to be in the baby's life, I would love that. But I can't continue to be in this relationship, besides, we both know it has been doomed from the beginning.”

“No it hasn't!”

“I can't trust you Chase. Especially after this.”

“Harper. We. Are not. Breaking up.” He gripped my hands in his, his whole body shaking. “I was going to propose to you after graduation tomorrow!”

I recoiled at the thought of him asking me to marry him while he'd been cheating on me. “We need to.” I continued, “You obviously still want to live your old life, and I need to not have to worry about what you're doing when I'm not with you.”

“I don't want my old life! I don't want anything without you! You are my everything Harper. You and our baby are my everything.” His head fell into my lap while his body was overtaken by sobs.

I sat there silently and ran my fingers through his shaggy blond hair until he calmed down and looked back up into my face, “Maybe sometime later, after you've had a chance to think about what you really want, we can give us a shot again.”

“Princess please, please don't do this. I can't lose you.”

“You don't have to,” I whispered, “we can remain friends, you can be at all the appointments and I will continue to live here if that's what you want. But Chase, you have just shattered my heart, over what will probably only be one night with Trish. Because of that, I can't be yours right now. I can't be the naïve girlfriend at home with a baby, while you're off with other women.”

“I won't be, I only want you.”

I sat there a moment, concentrating on deep breaths in and out, “It's going to take a lot for me to believe you again Chase, but I'm willing to give you the opportunity to earn my trust again. We're going to have to start over as friends though.”

“I don't want to be your friend Harper!”

“It's that or nothing Chase.” I tried to keep my tone composed for the both of us.

“Baby I'm so sorry. I promise I wouldn't have done that to you, I don't remember anything from last night.”

“I told you, I'll give you a chance if you want it. But I need a few days before we can try to be friends. I really – I'm hurting Chase, I feel like you just confirmed every fear I've ever had of being in a relationship with you. And I'm still not sure how to begin to deal with this.”

He kissed me firmly, and cupped my face, “I will get to the bottom of whatever happened. I love you Harper, more than you could ever imagine.” He brought his mouth to mine again, and I let our lips move against each other for a few moments. I couldn’t help it, I didn’t know if or when we would have this again.

Chase's phone rang, snapping us out of the moment. He started to press ignore, but did a double take and answered, “WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ME?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'VE DONE?!” He stormed off into the kitchen, face bright red from anger, “No! You just ruined my life, do you understand that?! Don't fucking apologize to me! Harper is the only person you should be apologizing to, but understand that if you ever contact her, or me for that matter, again, I will make the rest of your life a living hell!” He ended the call and threw his iPhone against the wall, shattering the case and sending pieces towards me. “Oh God, Harper. I'm sorry!”

I shrunk into the chair when he came near me, he still looked like he was about to kill someone. When he saw my movements, his face fell, his anger quickly fading.

“I have to go, before I mess this up more.” He brushed his knuckles along my jaw, “I'm sorry for everything. I can't say that enough Harper, I'm so, so sorry. Please don't end us though, I will earn your trust again somehow, just don't do this.”

“Don't make this harder for either of us, you know how I feel. Let's give it a few days, and we'll see if we can start again as friends. No matter what happens to us Chase, I want you in his life.”

“I love you Princess.” With tears falling freely from his eyes, he kissed me quickly and walked out the door.

13

I didn't realize it was over and people were gathered around us until Bree pulled me up so I was now standing. We looked at each other, not knowing what to say, not knowing what to do. Mom was gripping both of our hands like a lifeline while Dad was standing behind her, holding her upper arms tight enough to support her. Some of their extended family came up and we all broke apart to accept hugs from them. I didn't know who most of them were, though they all knew me. There wasn't a dry eye in the church anyway, but when they looked down, or placed a hand on my stomach, new rounds of hysterics would burst out of them. It seemed too much to bear to everyone that I was holding the only piece left of him in this world. Chase.

It had been four days since the accident.

Four days since he told me he loved me, and I didn't say it back.

Four days since he died.

~~~

Twenty minutes after Chase left, Mom, Dad, Bree and I were sitting around the kitchen table talking through everything that had happened that day. Everyone was more shocked than I had been, but then again, they hadn't been there for every maddening moment of our relationship throughout this last school year. Bree's phone rang, and I knew it was Konrad by the way she answered it. I glanced at the clock, he should be back with my car soon from dropping Brandon off at Chase's house.

“No,” she whispered, face drained of color, eyes wide, “no you're lying. That's not funny babe.”

I tilted my head towards the phone and almost jumped out of my chair when she screamed bloody murder.

“NO!”

“Breanna!” Claire hissed, “Calm down!”

Bree was now staring at the phone, horrified, “We have to go!” She screeched and ran out of the kitchen, “WE NEED TO GO!”

The three of us stayed at the table until we heard the front door slam shut and her car start up. Bree was screaming from the car for us to hurry, fat tears falling from her eyes. Robert opened the driver door and pulled her out, depositing her in the back seat which I slid into after.

“Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! DAD GO!” She screamed, cradling her head and rocking back and forth slightly.

I rubbed my hand across her back, and after I shared a confused look with her parents, he finally backed out of the driveway.

“Breanna honey, where is it I'm going?” He was talking soft and melodic, like she was a patient and he was the therapist.

She rattled off an intersection through her sobs.

Mom turned around from the passenger seat and pulled Bree's hands from her face, “Breanna, you're being dramatic, calm down and tell us what's wrong.”

Bree's phone rang again and she pushed the talk button, but didn't say anything. I grabbed the phone and managed to get it out of her death grip, checking the screen first, I brought the phone to my ear and spoke, “Uh, Konrad? Wha –”

“He's not waking up! I can't get him out, there's blood everywhere and he's not waking up!”

“Who Konrad?”

“The ambulance is pulling up, you need to hurry!”

I heard him screaming for whom I'm guessing were the EMT's, and then the call ended. I realized then that we could hear sirens from the car as well and looked up to see we were only a few blocks away now. Bree was still harshly whispering unknown words.

“I think he might have wrecked my Expedition?” I guessed, still confused. Then it hit me. Brandon. He was supposed to be taking Brandon home. Oh God no. Please no. Don’t take him from me.

We rounded the corner and saw the ambulance, fire truck and three SDPD cars blocking off part of the street. Dad drove down the street enough so he could park, and not block the rest of traffic, and that's when I saw everything. Konrad being pulled away by two police officers, struggling to get back to Chase's truck that looked like it was fused to the front of an eighteen wheeler. A scream that rivaled Bree's ripped from my throat and I bolted out of the car before it had stopped. I ran past the officers holding Konrad and made it by another few before a fireman caught me and swung me away from the wreck.

“CHASE!” I screamed and wailed on the man to put me down, “CHASE!” Everything was so silent, yet so loud at the same time. I couldn't hear the sirens, I couldn't hear the shrieks and sobs from his family, I couldn't even hear my own voice anymore. I can't describe what filled my ears, only that it was deafening.

I continued to struggle to get to Chase, and somehow realized I was no longer being carried away. I must have fallen to the ground and now two people were holding me so I couldn't get back up. I saw Konrad crushing Bree to his chest a few feet away from me, both sobbing and falling to the street as well. I didn't know where Claire and Robert were, but I couldn't make myself look around for them. My eyes snapped back to the truck as a few men pulled Chase through the passenger side door. He was limp, his blond hair and body covered in blood. A surge of adrenaline shot through my body and the next thing I knew I had pulled away from the people holding me and was running towards where they had put him on a stretcher in the street.

“Chase! Wake up! Please wake up!” I grabbed his lifeless hand before a female EMT could begin to remove me from the area again. I screamed at her and reached back towards him, “Don't leave me like this! Wake up Chase, please!”

I was taken to the back of a police car where an officer was trying to calm me down, and find out my relationship to the victim. I couldn't concentrate on him anymore, the high pitched silence was back. I looked over to Chase's family where they were standing next to a couple officers. Robert was the only one speaking, Claire and Breanna were clutching each other as Konrad was being taken to a second ambulance so the medics could tend to his arms. He had torn them up pretty severely when he tried to get Chase out of the truck. Another medic walked up to the family and spoke to the officers, I didn't need to be near them to know what he said. Bree's jaw dropped in a soundless scream and Mom fell to the ground while Robert bent at the waist, gripping his chest with one hand, his hair with the other. My arms cradled my belly as my little gummy bear gave a soft kick. “Daddy's gone baby.” I whispered.

~~~

Konrad was driving back after talking with, and dropping Brandon off at Chase's house, he had seen the whole thing. Chase blew through a red light, never once slowing down, the driver of the semi had been going almost sixty miles per hour.

“If there is anything we can do for your family, please let us know.” A couple I vaguely remembered from the New Year's Eve party hugged the four of us and turned to leave.

My eyes glanced over to the coffin and I felt the air leave my body. I'd been careful to keep my gaze on everything but the coffin, and now that I was looking at it, I couldn't seem to stop. I gripped Bree's arm and struggled to catch my breath.

“Breathe Harper.” A deep voice commanded as someone wrapped their fingers around my wrists.

My breaths came but they were coming too fast, and my ears were ringing. Chase was in there. Chase was in that box, dead. It was my fault, why did I let him leave that night? Big hands cupped my cheeks and turned my face, effectively tearing my eyes from the front of the church. As soon as the coffin was no longer in my sight I squeezed my eyes shut and focused on my breathing.

“Good girl Harper, keep breathing.” Thumbs brushed tears away from my cheeks, “Just keep breathing.”

I opened my eyes to see worried hazel eyes staring back at me.

“Better?”

I nodded and wrapped my arms around him, pressing my face to his blue shirt, “Thank you for coming Brandon.”

He rubbed soothing circles on my back until I unwrapped myself from him and latched back onto Bree. Ever since I'd been dragged out of Chase's bed this morning to attend the funeral, I felt like I constantly had to be touching someone, to make sure that this was all real. I desperately wanted to go back home, curl up in Chase's bed, breathe his scent in and numb my heart and mind again. This was all so much easier to deal with when I didn't feel anything.

Bree's next intake of breath was audible and her entire body tensed. “You have a lot of nerve showing up here.”

Trish was standing next to Mom, who after looking at her body covered in tattoos and pin up girl looks, put two and two together and stepped away. “I need to talk to you Harper.” She choked back a sob.

Brandon and Konrad moved so they were in between us, “I'm not sure that's the best idea, and this definitely isn't the place.” Konrad warned calmly.

She peered around Brandon, her eyes pleading, “I have to talk to you, you don't understand.” Trish burst into tears and took a step towards me, “You have to know.”

Pushing through the guys, I stepped up to her and waited for her to say whatever it was she felt was so important she would confront us here.

After a few moments of Trish trying to contain her tears, she finally began, “He didn't cheat on you, he loved you all he ever did was talk about you. I admit, I was jealous and I thought you had gotten pregnant on purpose, so he would have to be with you.” She looked nervously between Chase's family and myself, “That night at the party, I uh – I drugged him.” My face fell. What was she saying? “Those pictures weren't real. He was completely passed out.” She cried into her hand, her body now trembling, “I'm so sorry, you will never know how sorry I am.”

My palm connected with her face so hard, the sound bounced back to us from the walls of the church. “None of this would have happened if it weren't for you!” I screeched and brought my hand back again, but Brandon caught it and held both arms down at my sides, “He's dead because of you!” I began sobbing and crumbled in Brandon's chest.

“I think you should leave now.” Konrad growled at her from my side.

I shouldn't have slapped her, I shouldn't have yelled at her, but I couldn't stop myself. Because of this woman, the Grayson's lost a son and brother and my baby would never meet his father. Because of her actions, Chase's last conversation with me consisted of me telling him I didn't trust him, breaking up with him, and keeping myself from telling him I loved him. Because of Trish, my heart shattered, and Chase's stopped. I would never forgive this woman for taking him from us.

People came by the house for a couple hours after the funeral, continuing with their condolences, bringing meals and telling stories of Chase. Once everyone left, Dad, Mom, Konrad, Bree and I held each other, said I love yous over and over, and cried. Everyone split to take naps sometime later, Konrad with Bree, Dad with Mom, and me with my gummy bear. I was aware of the time passing, the room changing from light to dark, Mom bringing food and sitting there until I finished it all, and Bree coming in every few hours to lay next to me and cry. Other than necessities in the restroom, I didn't leave the bed for quite some time. I couldn't find a reason to, I just wanted to be surrounded by his things.

Brandon sat down on the bed, I don't know when it was, I just registered there was light coming through the windows.

“Hey sweetheart.” He whispered and let his fingertips trail along my back.

I tried to ask why he was there, but I hadn't used my voice in who knows how long, and it was so hoarse and low I was surprised anything came out at all.

“You need to get out of bed Harper. You're going to take a shower, we're going to get you out in the sun, and you're going to try to resume your life.”

Shaking my head, I roughly whispered, “I can't.”

“You need to. Chase wouldn't want this, and you need to take care of your baby.” I opened my mouth and I swear it's like he read my mind, “Eating and taking your vitamins isn't enough. The funeral was five days ago Harper, you need to get out of this house.”