Текст книги "Can't Let Go"

Автор книги: Michelle Lynn

сообщить о нарушении

Текущая страница: 14 (всего у книги 19 страниц)

I LOVE LAZY Sunday’s in the Carsen household. Brady cooks us breakfast as we stay in our pajamas until the afternoon, some nursing hangovers, some just recouping on sleep. Since we’re in the throes of football season, we mostly lie around the family room, eating, cheering or booing, depending on what teams are playing, and bullshitting with each other. But this Sunday has been the best so far, because as the quiet house begins to come to life with shuffled footsteps and low talking, I’m in the arms of the man I’ve loved a majority of my life. The guy who filled my dreams and fantasies since I was fourteen years old.

Trying to wiggle out of Dex’s childlike death grip, he wraps his arms around my waist, yanking me back. I don’t fight his motives, but rather enjoy the loving behavior I’ve only dreamed of until now. “Where do you think you’re going?” His groggy voice etched with humor. He buries his head in the crook of my neck, kissing the shiver-inducing spot right under my ear, hitting his mark as though he’s done it for years.

Giggling like a groupie, I scoot my body closer to his. Matching my motions, he splays his hand on my bare stomach, locking me firmer against him and enabling me to feel his morning excitement. “Starting my day,” I tell him, not really wanting to leave his hold.

“I’ll start your day,” he jokes, his lips traveling down my neck. Inching forward, I tilt my head, and he slides my hair off my neck, pecking short kisses along my hairline. If I thought I was going to die from my heart exploding last night from the amount of love Dex displayed, I’m certain it will erupt from his morning-after enjoyment of me.

“I’m sure you would.” I roll over, caressing his cheeks. “No regrets?” I hastily ask. When his eyes fall and lips turn down, I regret asking immediately, but it’s still hard to believe from his instant turnaround.

“No.” His body sits up, his elbows on his knees and head in his hands. “Jesus, Chrissy, I know I’ve been stupid, but this,” he picks up his head, the sadness in his eyes boring into me, motioning his finger between us, “is it.” Scooting closer to me again, he grabs my waist and tugs so that I’m on his lap. Drawing me to him, closing any space between us, his hands rest on the small of my back, my breasts out for his viewing. “No regrets—ever.” His lips suck my bottom lip into his mouth, and I grind my pelvis into him, loving his body’s response to my movement. Closing the kiss, he backs his head up. “Never ask me again, okay?” he requests, and I nod, feeling more secure in that instant. It may have taken Dex awhile to come around, but now that he has, I’m positive his love won’t waver.

A slow smile creeps across his face, and then his lips come back to my mouth, still sore from last night’s make-out marathon. I swear we took turns waking each other up in order to satisfy our need for the other. Just as my breathing picks up with the anticipation that he’s about to round second, his door swings open and Dex tosses me on my back and throws the sheet over my body. Through the sliver of space between Dex’s back and the pillows, I see it’s Trey who’s interrupted my fun.

“Get the hell up. The Dog Pound is in full effect,” Trey screams, and I can hear the kids downstairs running and laughing. “Shit,” he covers his eyes, “cover that thing up.” He laughs.

“Turn around and shut the door,” Dex says through clenched teeth. Trey laughs and then examines the situation. Feeling the chill on my feet, I slowly curl them under the covers to hide from his sight.

“All right, I’m leaving.” He raises his hands, and I allow my breath to stream out of my mouth. “Browns are on in fifteen, so hurry up and get your ass downstairs,” he finishes. His image remains by the door, and my heart slows seeing his departure. “Oh, and one more thing.” Trey’s humor-filled voice floats back into the room.

“What jackass?” Dex asks exasperated.

“Good morning, Chrissy.” Trey laughs and shuts the door. His bellowing laugh can still be heard all the way down the hall until it fades down the staircase.

I bolt up, the sheet falling to my waist, and Dex shakes his head, smiling ear to ear. “What?” I ask, grabbing the edge of the sheet to cover myself.

Dex’s hand touches mine, nudging the sheet back down and then his body rests on top of mine as he seductively kisses my collarbone. “We have about five minutes before one of those girls barges in.” I’m relieved that he’s okay with everyone knowing about us, it shows how much he really does love me.

I giggle and rub my hands up and down his back. “How’d he know it was me?”

Dex doesn’t get up but continues his exploration of my body. “I’m not sure, but I’m thankful he didn’t see any inch of you. Sorry for the ninja move.” I feel his lips turn up as they move on my skin.

Playfully, I smack his shoulder to move forward and scoot out from under his large body. “Shower time. Obviously, our day of exploration is over,” I toss over my shoulder.

He sits up so his back rests along the headboard, his bare chest covered in tattoos I traced with my fingers last night. Him explaining the times he had them done and the deep meaning behind each one, some easier than others to figure out.

“What are you doing?” I ask him, shaking my head at his sly smile.

“Watching you,” he says, shifting his feet. “I may need to have a half time show. I’m not sure I can go the whole day without being inside of you.” His eyes burn, gazing at my skin as they follow me around the room, capturing the butterflies that swarm in my stomach with anticipation of more than his eyes on me.

Seductively crawling up the bed, I give him a quick kiss on his lips. “Just give me a signal, and I’ll be up here waiting,” I say and then slide off his body.

“Tease,” he jokes, and I wave my hand at him while walking into the bathroom, reveling in the heat of his eyes on me.

FINALLY, I MAKE it downstairs, but the game is already in the first quarter. Dex, Brady, and Rob sit on the couch, and Trey bounces Drew on his lap in the chair. Eyeing him from the hallway, Dex’s vision is already focused my way. The thought that maybe he’s been waiting for me brings a tingling sensation streaming through my veins.

Entering the kitchen, I dread the twenty questions that are about to come my way from Sadie or Kailey. I release the built up anxiety at seeing Chloe and Tara coloring at the table. Kailey sits on the counter and Sadie flits around the kitchen, putting a few snacks together for the guys. Noticing the pans from breakfast in the sink, I’m bummed I missed Brady’s cooking, but then flashes of Dex’s arms wrapped around me tight this morning flicker to life and the sadness vanishes as fast as it appeared.

“What’s the cheesy grin about?” Kailey raises her eyebrows in a knowing sign. My eyes dart to the girls and then back to her. “Hi, girls.” I wave.

Both turning their attention to me, they wave back. “Hi, Chrissy.”

“Give it up. I doubt Trey kept the secret,” I say softly when I approach her and Sadie a safe distance from Chloe and Tara.

They both laugh. “It’s about time anyway.” Sadie turns her attention to me and wraps her arms around my shoulders. “I’m so happy for you.” A warmth spreads through my blood, because I not only have Dex, but the friendships of amazing girls as well.

“What a waste of Ryland Davis, though.” I push Kailey lightly, and she falls into the cabinets a little and then steadies herself. “Just kidding.” She hops down and hugs me as well.

“How did Trey even know it was me?” I ask her, pouring chips into a bowl.

“We got our pedicures together last week, and then he came to pick me up, remember? We showed him our toes with that flowery nail art. The guy has the memory of an elephant.” She humorously shakes her head and then takes a seat at the table with the girls, pulling out a crayon and helping Tara.

“I’d say. What kind of a guy pays attention to that much detail?” I ask.

“My guy does.” Her smile shining, purely elated that Trey is hers.

“I’ll be right back,” I tell them and venture into the living room. Unsure of how this whole thing with Dex and I will be received, I go the long way. Down the hallway by the front door and then behind the couch. Leaning over, I hand the bowl of chips to Dex, and he pulls my arm down so my face is right by his. “You’re beautiful,” he whispers in my ear and kisses the corner of my lips. To think not even twenty-four hours ago I was desperate to hear those words leave his mouth. Hearing them now brings a smile to my face that I’m certain no one could shatter.

I’m surprised the guys remain silent, as though they missed the whole kiss and closeness of Dex and me. Feeling more at ease with the situation, I confidently strut across the room, back to the confines of the kitchen to hang out with the girls. “So you nailed her, right?” Rob asks Dex, and I’m about to turn around until, “OUCH! Hey, I deserve some fucking credit,” he adds and a smile turns up my lips as I disappear through the doorway.

“Girls, why don’t you go show the boys your drawings,” Kailey suggests. Chloe and Tara jump out of their chairs and rush into the room, right as the boys roar to life. “You,” she points to me, “sit and talk,” she demands, and Sadie smirks up at me while cutting a brick of cheese.

“Does Brady have a reprieve today?” I tease.

“When the Browns play, he does nothing but sit on that couch the entire game. I made breakfast this morning.”

“So, I made the right decision in staying in bed?” I joke, and she throws a piece of cheese at me.

Then her shoulders shrug. “Probably though. Even Rob passed,” she comments and begins positioning it all on the tray. “Stop avoiding the conversation. Let’s hear it.” She leans back in her chair, giving me all of her attention.

“The big man finally came around to his senses, huh?” Kailey adds, mimicking Sadie’s position in the chair. I bite my lip, not wanting to give every moment of my alone time with Dex, but excitement to share my happiness boils inside of me at the same time.

“I guess so. I’m pretty sure I have Ryland Davis to thank.” My stomach clinches, thinking how I have to tell him that our date for Saturday night is off.

“Whatever worked, hallelujah! That boy couldn’t figure out which way was up lately. He came over to the house every day last week. He and Trey would talk for a bit, nothing important. He’d spin the girls around and then leave.”

“Huh?” I question. “I wonder why?”

She shrugs. “I have no idea. Trey said he didn’t bring anything up. Just asked Trey how life was for us.”

“I think Dex has a hard time with fully committing,” Sadie adds, and Kailey tosses a chip at her. “I mean before. Like he had a hard time figuring out how to accept his feelings—”

“Stop, Sadie. I understand what you’re saying.” Truth is, I do. It’s hard to accept the turnaround Dex has done in such a small amount of time. But, I’ve always trusted Dex, and this time is no different. For some reason, in my bones, I know he’s ready. He’s accepted his feelings, and a selfish part of me believes he’s enjoying the excitement I bring to his life.

“Yeah, I didn’t mean that he doesn’t love—have you guys said it yet?” Sadie leans forward, her eyes bulging with curiosity.

I nod, and they gush, both moving forward in their chairs, eager for the nitty-gritty details. I feel like a fog has come over me because I’m finally able to share with my friends that the one thing I’ve dreamed of for years came true last night.

“Who said it first?” Kailey asks.

“Did he?” Sadie chimes in before I can even answer.

“He did,” I confirm, and they both ohh and awe over my answer.

“We’ll be right back,” Brady screams from the front door, and we all stand.

Trey walks in, hands Drew to Kailey, and the girls stand by her legs. “What’s going on?” she asks him when his lips peck her cheek.

“Mrs. Fletcher needs our help for a second,” he informs her and jogs down the hall.

All of us girls look out the window and admire the boys helping their elderly neighbor by putting garbage bags over her plants and flowers, protecting them from the frost that’s due in tonight. My heart bursts for Dex a little more, if that’s possible, when I see him giving her some extra attention. A half hour later, the boys are jogging back over, and we all sigh at the sight of our knights in shining armor. The same guys who are willing to miss their football game to help their elderly neighbor.

THE NEXT MORNING, I climb out of the happy restraints of Dex’s sheets. His light snores continue as I wander into the bathroom to start my day. Awoken from sleep two hours prior, I lay in bed, debating on how I would break the news to Ryland. I hate that the anxiety of what I have to do overtakes my time with Dex. He hasn’t asked me any questions, and I haven’t divulged that I had agreed on another date. I guess there’s no need to either worry or bring out alpha Dex when I’m squashing it today.

A heavy weight sits in my stomach the whole time I take a shower, blow dry my hair, and put on my make-up. I leave the bathroom after a pep talk to myself on what I would tell Ryland. He’ll have to understand, after all, he saw Dex’s reaction. “Ready?” I jolt, noticing Dex standing in his doorway in a pair of jogging pants and a sweatshirt.

I smile and tilt my head. Walking toward him, my hands land on his shoulders and then slowly lower until I grab both strings of his hoodie and pull down. His face meets mine, and I kiss his lips. “What are you doing up?” I ask.

“I’m always up for you,” he jokes, and I laugh, rolling my eyes. “Seriously, though, boyfriends drive their girlfriends to work.” He smirks, and I wrap my arms around his waist. The fact he’s trying so hard to please me, confirms I’m making the right decision today.

“You don’t have to. I know you have class.” I give him an out.

“Nah, I only have one, and then I’ll go work out and be primped and ready to pick you up.” He chuckles lightly. This more carefree side of Dex is nice; it reminds me of a younger side of him, when I knew him best.

I inch up on my toes and allow my lips to press against his for a second before starting to pull back.

“Too short,” he says, his hand cradling my head in his palm to keep me where I am. His tongue sneaks in, and I open with a tongue waiting to mingle together in the wet and warmth of our mouths. Abruptly, he ends the kiss by letting my hair out of his grip and then closing his mouth. Leaving me craving more, like always. I can guarantee there may never be a time that my thirst for Dex will be quenched.

As I turn on my heels, he smacks my ass, and I venture across the bathroom tile floor into my room. “God, I love that ass,” he says, and I giggle the most flirtatious sound.

DEX PULLS UP to the curb. The bakery has already been open for a few hours, but the insurance company, Lily’s florist, the bank, and other shops around this strip of downtown are all just now unlocking their doors and flipping their closed signs to open. “I’ll pick you up at five,” he informs me, and I have no idea how I’ll make it through eight hours without his hands, his lips, and his embrace. “It will go by fast,” he says, as though he heard my thoughts. I guess he has always been able to read my facial expressions.

“All right, if I don’t get out of this truck now, I never will.” I laugh, and he places his finger under my chin, forcing me over to his side of the truck. Leaning as far as I can over the center console, he inches his mouth closer and kisses me. Gentle and loving without an ounce of his usual possessiveness.

“Go break it off with Mr. Suave,” he says and winks. My shoulders slump, and my heart races with the thought Dex knew this whole time. “He’d be crazy not to ask you for a second date.” He raises his eyebrows in question.

“I already had plans to do it,” rushes out of me before he can doubt.

“I’m not worried, Chrissy. I mean come on, look at me,” he kids, his hands descending his body.

I laugh. “Modest, huh?” I tease him, and he joins in the laughter.

“Go. I want him to know you’re mine.” A quick peck on the lips, leaving me with the taste of his minty toothpaste to remember him by for the next several hours.

I reluctantly stumble out of the truck and give Dex a wave before sneaking into the gallery. The smell of coffee already brewing fills the air, but there’s no sign of Ryland. Since he’d be the only one to open the door, I take another look, but he’s nowhere to be seen. Even the bathrooms are empty. Then the back door swings open and a gush of cool air wafts through the space. In walks a smiling Ryland easily holding a box in his arms.

The door shuts, and he begins to walk my way. Dropping the box to the side, he doesn’t skip a step before closing the gap between us. “Good morning,” he says softly, leaning against the wall. The smell of his expensive cologne floats around the two of us, and that weight sinks deeper in my belly.

“Good morning,” I reply, and he tilts his head at my demeanor, his smile faltering.

“You okay?” he asks, giving me an opening.

“Something kind of happened after you dropped me off the other night.” I begin to break whatever this was off.

He nods his head slowly, a smirk forming across his lips. “Okay,” he rolls it off his tongue, waiting for more information.

“Remember the guy in the truck?” My eyes divert to my shuffling feet, anxiety slowly building inside of me. I play with my fingers, pushing myself to spit it out. He’s a grown man, and it’s not like I’m much of a girl.

“Yeah.” He pushes himself off the wall.

“Well, um … I’ve known him a long time and um.” Why won’t the words come out?

“Chrissy.” He places his finger under my chin, raising my face to meet his. A reminder of Dex’s movements only minutes earlier and courage snaps in me.

“He’s my boyfriend now,” I spit out and cringe, luring laughter from him.

“You should look a lot happier about that,” he jokes, and the weight lifts in my stomach a little.

“Oh, I am. It’s just I feel bad. I never meant to steer you wrong or —” I ramble. Honestly, I did enjoy my date, and I may have been using him as a distraction to my problems with Dex, but I didn’t do it expecting Dex to come around like he did.

He shakes his head, a grin splashing across his face. “I didn’t think that. You don’t really seem like the manipulative type. I completely understand, Chrissy, and I wish you both luck. That’s not to say, I’m not a little disappointed because I did enjoy our date.” He pats my shoulder and begins to walk down the hall. My shoulders fall in relief, and the pounds disperse in my stomach. I’m finally able to truly enjoy the fact that this thing with Dex and me is real. “Oh, and he better not try to make you quit because you’re here until Jessa returns.” He laughs.

“NO! He would never,” I shout, but bite my lip, because it’s something I could definitely see Dex doing. Then again, wouldn’t he have suggested that this morning?

Ryland’s laugh bounces off the walls of the hallway. “Hmm … I’m pretty sure if you were mine, I would.” Then he retreats to his office, and I rush over to my desk to start the day, relieved the dread has been lifted. Ryland would make a great boyfriend to anyone, but to me, only one could hold that place and sadly it wasn’t him.

AFTER MY CLASS, in which I didn’t accomplish much, since I mostly leaned back in my seat with a blank screen on my laptop, my eyes looking out to the room, with visions of Chrissy dancing through my head. The ones where she’s naked, lying in my bed. Her tits, ass, and every damn curve of her body I’ve committed to memory the first night. God, she gorgeous, and now that I stopped being a lame ass and have admitted my feelings, I can honestly say, I’m different. It’s not just Chrissy’s body that has me wrapped so tight, it’s the whole package of Chrissy Dawson. It’s just a bonus that her kind-hearted, smart and funny self is wrapped in a hot-ass package.

It’s an odd encompassing feeling of security, or safety, that overcame me that night. I was going to wait, not divulge my love for at least a month. Isn’t that the norm? Hell if I know, but I couldn’t stop the words. Her body molded to mine, the smell of her new fruity shampoo tingling my nose. A frightened sense took over me, and I had to tell her how I felt. How much I’ve always loved her before she left or doubted me.

That protective part of me that has always shined through when it came to her told me to tell her, to put her fears at ease that I really did have an epiphany. That I do love her and always have. But that didn’t even compare to when she spoke them back to me. Just like that, I understood all of my friends. With those four words, I love you, too, I’d empty pockets, I’d give her my keys … everything of mine was instantly hers. Most importantly, she owned my heart. She held the one part of myself I kept hidden from most people. My friends, the only ones who truly saw any redeeming caring quality of mine, weren’t even aware of that part of me.

With her, though, I wanted to be that guy. Brady, Grant, and Trey’s sudden personality shift; choosing to spend a night in with their girlfriend, cancelling shows, and ditching out on guys’ night out all made sense in that instant. I finally understood why they left after the shows to hold their girls in their arms rather than get drunk and screw a random chick.

The shuffling of bodies jerks me out of my daydreaming and I scramble to grab my things. Swinging my backpack over my shoulder, I file out of the room. A few girls and guys I know from almost five years of school, saying pleasantries to pass the time until we reach the door.

A half hour later, I’m jogging on the treadmill at Barbells when Grant walks up. “So, rumors are flying.” He leans against the vacant machine next to me. “You’ve jumped.” His cocky grin plastered on his exhausted face.

“Man, you look like shit,” I comment, glancing over for a second before grabbing my water bottle.

He laughs and nods his head. “I don’t disagree. I’ve been working a little too much because of the second location we’re opening. Jessa’s exhausted when I get home, but I try to take over some feedings so she can rest.” He palms his face, dragging it down past his chin.

“Yeah, I’ve heard those babies are exhausting.” I chuckle.

“You think it’s funny, huh? You could be next.” He cocks his eyebrows up at me, and I shake my head because that’s not happening for a long time.

“You’re insane,” I laugh him off, but his face is serious.

“You already made the first step.” He pushes his body off the arm of the treadmill at hearing his name being beckoned over the speaker. I’d be lying if his words didn’t scare me a little. That is until the thought of Chrissy holding our baby creeps into my visual, calming me instantly.

“That I did,” I say, not an ashamed bone in my body.

“Felt good, right?” He smirks, and I nod. “Now you just have to try not to fuck it up.” With that, he leaves and the fear that held me back for so long roars back to life inside of me. Sweat pours out of every pore in my body, but my finger pushes down on the incline and speed. Pushing the doubt that I’ll inevitably screw it up as far away as I can squash it, I give myself one option: to only focus on staying on this damn machine.

SITTING OUTSIDE THE gallery, I debate on going in. Show Ryland that she’s mine—claim her. Every ounce of restraint kept me from demanding she quit this morning. But how can I do that to her? The image of her face burns in my memory of when she came barreling into the studio and told me she got a job. She was so elated and excited. I’d never take that away from her, especially since I know her true dream is to go to college. I wish there was some way I could make it happen. With graduation still months off and no real job in the future, I can’t swing it. Then my mind rattles into thought, and I’m like a damn hamster wheel unable to stop it. Nodding my head, I figure there is a way I could get her the money. Shaking it off just as fast as it appeared, because she’d never accept it if she knew where it came from. Then again, what if she didn’t know?

The door of the passenger side swings opens, and she climbs in. “Shit, I’m sorry. I would have gotten out and opened the door.” I apologize for the lack of chivalry I currently displayed.

“That’s okay.” She smiles and leans over the console. “I missed you,” she murmurs before our lips collide. I fist her hair in my palm, and she whimpers into my mouth as our tongues dance together like they’ve become accustomed to.

“You hungry?” I ask her when we part, and she nods.

“Yeah,” she sighs, placing her hand on her stomach. Grant’s words resurface in my head, ‘you could be next’. Damn him because it’s only been a couple of days. Although I’m all right with us having a baby, I would prefer us to be married first and maybe me graduating.

“Where do you want to go?” I choke out, trying to appear as though my heart didn’t just stop for a second.

“Home. I want to cook for you tonight.” She bites her lip, and I peer out of the corner of my eye.

“Chrissy, you don’t cook,” I remind her, and she swats my arm.

“I looked up some recipes at work. We just need to stop at the grocery store.” She pulls a piece of paper out of her purse. “I can do this,” she encourages herself. I wouldn’t be able to fight the cheesy grin from being plastered on my face because I love the fact she’s trying to please me with a home cooked meal.

We stop at a light, and I turn her way, my hand caressing her cheek. “Of course you can,” I confirm, and her lips turn. “With my help,” I tease, and another swat at my arm has me chuckling.

Pulling into the grocery store, I place my hand on her leg to keep her in place. Exiting the truck, I jog around and open her door, holding my hand out for her to take. I sneak another taste of her lips when her feet touch the asphalt. We enter the grocery store, and I grab us a cart while she ventures into the produce area. Not once did we bump into each other, or walk different ways, as though we are already naturally falling into a comfort zone with one another.

She stands in front of an array of green, narrowing her eyes at the small signs identifying the items below the markings. “The lettuce is right there,” I point to a head of lettuce, and she turns around, those narrowing eyes now focused on me.

“I need parsley.” Then her head falls back. “Aye … there it is.” She grabs a bag from the top and places a bunch in the bag.

She peruses over the recipe in her hand. “Where to next, Rachel Ray?” I tease.

“Seafood.” Then she turns to me, panic filling her eyes. “You aren’t allergic are you?”

“Yeah, I’ll welt up within a second of eating shelled fish,” I lie, and her face falls. Not able to keep up the act, I close the distance. “I’m kidding.” I bend down to smile at her, earning myself another swat. “You’re going to start leaving marks,” I tell her, jokingly because I love eliciting any emotion from her.

Walking ahead of me, her head shaking in front of me. “They’re deserved,” she jokes back.

As we walk down the aisles, I push myself up on the cart, riding it down the nearly empty lanes. Throwing things here and there in the cart, Chrissy concentrates on her list, studying it at every turn. When we get to the checkout, she peers in the filled cart and then back to the list, checking off items in her head. “Ready.” She gives one firm nod.

We place the items on the conveyer, and when we get the total, I swipe my credit card in the machine before Chrissy can pay the cashier the money. “Dex,” she warns with clenched teeth.

“Not a chance, baby,” I say, her hand freezing in motion, and I turn around. “What?” She’s just standing there and staring over at me. The cashier peers from the corner of her eye, trying to appear as though she’s not eavesdropping on our exchange.

“Nothing.” She shakes her head as though clearing the thoughts from it. Fear rings that I did something wrong, but I rack my brain to the last five minutes—nothing.

The cashier hands me the receipt, and I finish grabbing all the bags, placing them in the cart. Chrissy mindlessly walks in front of me, and when we get in front of the scratch-off lottery area, I place my hand on her arm to stop her. “What’s wrong?” I ask, and she turns around with wetness filling her eyes. “Chrissy?” I panic.

Her fingers fly to her eyes, swiping the tears away. “It’s nothing, really … it’s just.”

“What?” my voice more urgent and demanding, baffled to what just happened.

“You’ve never referred to me as baby before. I don’t know why, but it just kind of felt nice.” She turns around and walks through the automatic doors, leaving me in the same spot, alone and confused to the exchange we just had.

Looking side to side, as though anyone else would be just as confused by her reaction to something I said. I rush my steps, pushing the cart faster to catch up. When I end up at her side, I ask, “Isn’t that a good thing?”

She nods. “It is. I was just taken by surprise at my own reaction to the word.” She helps me pack the bags in the truck, and then I open the door for her.

Once in the truck, I turn her way, not ready to sweep this subject under the rug. “Chrissy, is there more than that?” I ask, and she turns her body to mine. The love for me still clear in her hazel eyes, but she’s unsure about something, I just don’t know what.

“I don’t know. It scares me. The excitement for a future is a foreign feeling for me. I’ve never had a lot to look forward to since I’ve mostly concentrated on surviving day to day. It’s only been three days, and I’m just scared. It’s my own insecurity.” She shakes her head and then reaches for her seatbelt, but I halt her movement with my hand.

“Chrissy, I’m just as scared. Worried I’ll fuck this up. That one day you’ll realize I’m not that guy.” I admit my own insecurity to our new found relationship without trudging up nightmares of me coming home one day and finding empty drawers and a note on my pillow.

“What guy?” she asks, cocking her head to the side.

“The guy that can put you before everything else in his life. That one day, I’ll fail you in some way.” I stare down at the console, concentrating on my pack of gum resting in the cup holder because it hurts so much to admit it verbally, there’s no way I can look at her when I say it.