Текст книги "Can't Let Go"
Автор книги: Michelle Lynn
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Текущая страница: 4 (всего у книги 19 страниц)
22 years old
“HULK, LET’S GO, man,” Brady screams up the stairs. I can only imagine Sadie, tapping her foot. We’re due to meet up with Jessa and Grant in order to be on time to Trey’s parents’ house. My phone vibrates on the bed as I shrug my t-shirt over my body.
Picking it up, still shaking in my hands, a number I don’t recognize crosses the screen. Wavering on whether or not I want to chance this being something at the house, I hit ignore because I don’t want to be bothered with my dad’s so-called “business” today. Then thoughts of someone raiding or maybe some loser found out where my dad’s operation is. Worse case, someone ratted him out. Figuring someone who I have programmed in my phone would have made the phone call to alert me, I wait to see if they leave a voicemail. Which they do—my phone vibrates a second later.
Clicking speaker, I place the black rectangle on my dresser while I gel my hair. My fingers are manipulating each strand, placing it in the perfect spot when her voice comes across. My hands stop mid-air and I my eyes fixate on the phone. Closing my eyes, that sweet sound that’s only lived in my dreams the past years still unglues me to the core. “Um … Dex. I’m in town and … um … I was wondering … if maybe we could … um … talk.” Her voice is practically shaking from the awkwardness of the phone call.
“HULK!” Brady screams again. Debating in my head what I should do. I could easily claim ignorance that I never got the call. Say that I was already out of town. Excuses run through my head as to why I would leave her wherever she is. Then the images of her alone, or worse, not. Knowing even with the distance that has formed between us over the years, I could never, would never not go to her if she needed me.
Walking out my door, I peer over the railing to a sour Brady. “Man, I gotta do something. You guys go without me,” I shout down.
“What is so damn important?” he asks, sensitive to the fact he can tell something’s off with me. Brady is like the father of our friends, protective of us all.
“A friend needs me,” I say, remaining vague. If Brady knew the half of what I did when I leave this house, he’d probably have an anxiety attack.
He stands there staring up at me and wavers at the door. Probably counting in his head how long he has before Sadie, his fiancé, comes in search of him. “What’s up, man?” he asks, stepping up a few stairs.
“I’m not sure yet. I need to make a call.” I’m honest with him because Brady has a sense of comfort about him. Although, I’m fairly certain our secrets are shared with Sadie, he keeps things mostly to himself.
“Do that, and we’ll wait.” He jogs back down the steps, and the front door shuts behind him.
Sitting on my bed, I bite my lip. It’s been so long. Not that she hasn’t crossed my mind; I’m not sure a day goes by that I don’t wonder where she is and what’s she’s doing. I question why she left and never answered my calls. The guilt that I somehow left her behind always resonating inside somewhere within me, even when she’s the one who disappeared on me. The small piece of electronics sits in my hands like a ten pound weight. There’s no turning back, no erasing from my mind once I press that call icon.
Pushing back my fear, I press the call button, release a deep breath and bring the phone up to my ear. She answers on the first ring, confirming something is seriously wrong. “Dex,” she answers. Another stab of the knife that she still has my number programmed, but I don’t have her obviously changed number.
“Chrissy?” I say her name out loud for the first time in four years. How can her name seem foreign on my tongue?
The line is quiet for a few seconds before she continues. “Hi. I’m in Western … at this place called The Loft. Could you come down here?” she asks.
“What’s wrong?” My foot begins tapping on the floor.
“I just need to talk. If you’re too busy—”
“No—give me five,” I quickly tell her.
“Okay.” Her voice is so shallow, I dread what I’m about to discover.
Leaving the house, I lock it up and then walk over to Brady’s Camaro. Sadie rolls down the window. “I have to head to The Loft.” Sadie’s forehead wrinkles, and she turns to Brady, who takes a deep breath. “We’ll drop you off,” he says, nodding his head to the backseat. Sadie opens the door and gets out, allowing me to slide the seat up and fold my over six-foot frame into the back.
We drive the familiar path in five minutes. A million thoughts about what I’m about to walk into stream through my mind. When we pull up outside the dingy college bar, Sadie climbs out of the car, pulling her seat forward to allow me access to exit. “We’ll wait,” Brady says, but I wave him off.
“Don’t bother. Not sure I’ll make it to Trey’s parents’.”
“We’ll wait,” he repeats, and Sadie smiles. Damn happy ass couple.
The second I enter the bar, I spot her. Two booths to the right, sipping a glass of golden beer. My body hyper-aware of hers instantly responds with a warm current that travels from my stomach to my feet. She’s still gorgeous with her blonde hair highlighted from the lone stream of light through the back door that’s propped open.
Taking the two steps, I give a wave at Pete, which makes Chrissy’s eyes tear from mine to veer his way. Sliding into the bench across from her, our eyes lock for a brief moment. Neither of us speaks a word while we take each other in for the first time in years. “How are you? It’s been a while.” I break the awkwardness, and she twirls her straw around her glass.
“Okay.” Her shoulders rise and fall. “Just got back into town a few weeks ago.” She never looks up, and I can feel her leg anxiously bouncing up and down under the table.
“Where were you?” I ask, and her eyes dart to mine. They’re distant and far away from me. Clearly something’s wrong.
“Indiana. Away from here. Not sure why I decided to come back.” Her body shifts, and she gives me the fakest smile to appease me.
“Well, I’m heading out of town. Do you want to join us?” Not sure why I ask, other than I’m thinking getting out of town is exactly what she may need.
“Okay.” The fact she doesn’t ask normal questions, like why, where, and who with explains the whole phone call. Something is going down, and I need to figure out what the fuck it is.
“Let’s go.” I slide out and stand up. She grabs her purse, wrapping it around her body and slides out of the booth. Digging in her purse she reaches for money, but I quickly throw down a five to cover her drink.
“I’ve got it,” she says, picking it up and handing it back to me, replacing it with her own five. Rolling my eyes, I half chuckle that she hasn’t changed a bit. So, I allow her take the independence of buying her own drink.
She follows me out, and when I find Brady and Sadie practically making out in the front seat, I shake my head at what has become my life. Clearing my throat, Sadie quickly backs away from Brady, her cheeks turning pink.
Brady chuckles. “Ready?” he asks me through the open window. Then his eyes flick to Chrissy behind me. “Hi,” he says, greeting her like the polite guy he is.
“Um … hi,” she responds. Sadie immediately opens her door and steps out.
“I’m Sadie.” She beats me at the introductions. “This is Brady.” She takes the task for everyone I guess.
“I’m—”
“Chrissy.” I finish the meet and greet. “Let’s get the hell out of here.”
Sadie narrows her eyes and tilts her head my way. “Chrissy and I can take the backseat. You take the front,” Sadie dictates and climbs in the back before I have a chance to argue.
Chrissy glances at me and then to the car and back to me before following Sadie. A slow stream of air leaves my mouth as I climb in next to Brady. Anger at Sadie brews because, although I appreciate her being nice to Chrissy, I really wanted to just be near her again. Starting the ignition, he looks my way, raises his eyebrows, and then focuses his attention on the road in front of him.
Thankfully, Sadie can talk about her wedding enough to divert the conversation away from Chrissy, me—or the worst—Chrissy and me together. Another saving grace happens when we pull up to Grant and Jessa’s. Jessa informs everyone we’re splitting up. Girls and guys. Chrissy bites her lip, anxious to separate, which makes me fear she’ll leave again before I can get the answers I need.
Surprisingly, she gets out of the car without a look back to me. Grant scrunches his forehead and looks back and forth between the two of us, just as confused as everyone else. The questions swirl above his head as to who this girl is. Jessa introduces herself and squeezes Chrissy into a hug while Chrissy smiles back to her and slides into the back seat.
WHAT THE HELL am I doing? I’m so out of my element. I have nothing in common with any of these people, let alone the two girls chatting in the front seat. Although, hearing about weddings and pregnancies is a lot better than hunger and eviction.
“So, Chrissy.” Jessa’s eye finds mine through the rearview mirror, “how do you know Dex?”
My teeth find my lip, because I’m not quite sure how he would want me to answer this. What do these people know about the Dex Prescott I know? I heard someone call him Hulk earlier when the only nickname I’ve ever known is Edge. Would these girls understand the meaning of that nickname? “Our dads are friends,” I say, keeping it as simple as I’m able.
“Oh, Ted’s great.” Sadie turns around, giving me that paid for smile. Seriously, could her teeth be more perfect and white? I doubt it.
I don’t correct them that it’s actually Theo that bonds Dex and I together, just showing again how different of a life Dex lives than I do. To these two perfect girls, with perfect men, living the perfect life, I probably resemble their worst nightmare.
The two attempt to engage me in more conversation, and I’m certain they think I’m a bitch from my one word answers or non-verbal nods. But what am I supposed to say, ‘Hi, I know you guys live in this perfect bubble of love and forever. You go to college, get a degree, and marry your perfect guy. As for me, though, I go to the few community college classes I can afford, work at a clothing store for barely more than minimum wage, and, oh yeah, my dad recently wagered me to some sleazebag for a one night lay.’ I’d like to see their cute and innocent jaws fall.
Two nights ago, my dad hit an all time low. I returned from Indiana, where I had been making a new life for myself before getting laid off. I come back home only to find the apartment completely unlivable. There was a month’s worth of dirty dishes, garbage overflowing, and nothing edible in the fridge. Lucky enough my key worked in the lock, but I was there for three days before my dad even made his appearance. And when he did, I wish he hadn’t.
His clothes were filthy, his hair unkempt and I’m surprised he was even able to afford the rent from appearances alone. He hugged me and for a brief second I thought he missed me. Until the next day I went to do a little grocery shopping and came home to find him searching through my belongings. I knew there was no way I could stay, it was a damn pipe dream to think things would be different.
My one problem was, either I stay there, save some money in order to leave again, or I live in my car. Unfortunately, the decision was decided for me when Nico showed up at the door that evening.
I had been finishing preparing dinner, packaging up a meal for my dad to eat whenever he returned from wherever he was. Now a days, I had no idea where he ventured to lose his money. The knock on the door was soft and courteous, so, I had thought it could be Mrs. Heinz from next door or one of her three kids. But when I opened the door, surprise found me in the form of Nico.
He hasn’t changed in four years, the same gold chain hangs from his thicker neck. The slick gel still keeps his hair back. That damn over abundance of chest hair peeks through his silk shirt that has one too many buttons undone. I try to shut the door, but he shoves his foot in the small opening and his palm smacks the door to push it open.
“Nico,” I said, trying to will my voice not to sound as panicked as I was. The first thing that crossed my mind was Dex and four years ago when he stopped Nico from god knows what his agenda was.
“Chrissy,” he seductively said my name, sauntering into the apartment. My feet instinctively back up until my butt hits the table. My palms grip the edge as Nico stands chest to chest with me, my emotions bouncing everywhere … nervous to his intentions, but scared to what he’s capable of.
“Oh, Chrissy. I’ve missed you.” He takes his finger to tuck away a loose strand from my ponytail. Smacking it away, I attempt to scoot an inch over, careful not to draw attention to my movements. “Come on. We could be good together. Obviously, where ever you went didn’t pan out. I can give you a lot of things, Chrissy, if you would just allow me.”
My heart speeds up while think about all of the ways to get out and away, already regretting returning to this fucking place. “Nico,” I warn him with a stern voice.
“No, Chrissy. See your dad really screwed up more than usual this time. He’s a cheat. Guess what he promised me in exchange to swipe that incident under the rug?” He places his hand on my hip, and I swallow the bile slowing rising in my throat. Shifting to the side, he places both hands on either side of my hips. “I’ll give you a hint, it’s something I’ve wanted for a really long time.”
“He didn’t.” My shoulders deflate while my body goes numb. How could my dad actually put me, or my body up to settle a score?
“Oh, but he did. Come on baby, I’ve been waiting a long time for this and I’m not really up for your hard-to-get act.” His face slowly starts coming my way as I back my head up further.
Thinking of nothing better, my knee slams between his legs using as much force as I’m able. Nico bends down, his hands cupping himself while screaming obscenities at me. I’m glad I’ve never fully unpacked when I grab my one bag and purse leaving the apartment. My feet slip on the stairs from rushing so fast but I catch myself with my hands on the railings. Never looking back, I run onto a bus that’s picking people up. I scramble to find the money in my purse, the driver sensing something’s wrong, waits patiently for me and then pulls off the curb. And now here I am …
I don’t even notice the vibrating in my purse until Sadie turns around and her eyes dart to my lap where my purse rests, clutched in my fists. Unzipping the top, I pull my phone out and Dex’s name appears.
Dex: Everything okay?
Me: Yeah.
He probably wants to make sure I keep my mouth shut about his alternate life. It disappoints me that he allowed me to be shoved in the car with the girls. I had wanted to tell him what was going on. Explain the reason for my sudden reappearance after four years.
Dex: We’ll be there soon.
The thought that maybe he’s feeling guilty for deserting me with the two girls in the front seat puts a small smile on my face. Right before I realize it’s probably because he didn’t realize the conversation I could have had with them. Girls are nosey and usually dig until they reveal the truth. Which surprises me with these two, because they let it go fairly quick.
SOON, CITYSCAPE IS left behind when farms and countryside fill the windows of the car. Jessa follows Brady’s Camaro down a long driveway and parks in front of a four-car garage. If I thought I was out of my league before, I’m certain I am now. I had thought Dex’s mom’s house was enormous, but this one is on a whole other scale. A dark, almost old but modern house rests in the middle of open land. It resembles something an architect would design and definitely doesn’t fit the mold of the other farm houses we passed getting here.
The girls step out of the car, giggling about something I never heard. All the guys wheel their expensive luggage while Dex swings my ripped duffle bag across his shoulder. He stays back with me, allowing the foursome to lead the way.
When the door opens, a guy a little more like I’m used to smiles down at all of us. Here’s a guy like back home. Short dark hair, tattoos inked across his body, and small gages in his ears. They all shake hands or hug each other, showing how close friends they all are.
After all the hellos to everyone he knows, his eyes find mine. “Hey, I’m Trey.” He introduces himself, holding his hand out for me to shake.
Slowly untying my fingers from nervously playing with my purse strap, I hold my hand out. “Chrissy,” I answer, and Dex comes to my side. His hand rests on the small of my back igniting a surge of electricity shooting up my spine.
“Sorry, Chrissy’s an old friend,” he adds.
Trey gives me a welcoming smile. “Welcome,” he greets, and I actually calm a little bit from his gracious demeanor.
Following everyone else into the kitchen, the girls take seats on the stools while the guys stand behind them. Something isn’t like the other rings in my head. Leaning against the counter to keep a distance, I silently listen to his friends catch up.
“Hopefully that wide grin means you won her back?” Dex says, clasping his friend’s shoulder as beers and drinks slide around the kitchen island.
“Yeah, she can’t deny this gorgeous face for that long,” Trey jokes and they all laugh.
“Hmm … always conceited.” A shorter brunette walks in and everyone turns around to her voice. I, on the other hand, can’t take my eyes off of Trey. I’ve never in my life witnessed a man so elated from a girl’s appearance in a room. His eyes follow her around as she greets everyone, and his tongue licks his lips when she turns his way. When she wraps her arms around his waist, nuzzling into him more, he closes his eyes briefly, as though saying an extra prayer that she’s his.
“I have to take it where I can. It’s hard not being the gorgeous one between us two,” he compliments her, and she shrugs it off. I’m not sure I’ve ever had anyone say something remotely romantic like that to me.
“Good one,” she says, rolling her eyes and a pink flush stains her cheeks.
“Let’s leave these guys and have some girl talk. I’m entirely pissed off at you for not waiting to get your nails done until we got here.” Jessa teases the brunette, pointing at her with her already polished nail. Glancing down at my own, I wince at my out grown cuticles and erratic chipped lines from my constant biting.
“Come on, guys, we can go outside,” Trey says, waving them toward the screen door. “Where are the girls?” He peers down at her and asks. They have kids? Maybe I’m not so out of my league here.
“Outside playing with your parents and Derek. Aunt Holly and Uncle Clyde are upstairs resting.” She raises her eyebrows multiple times.
He bends down and whispers something in her ear, making her face light up like she’s seeing fireworks for the first time in her life.
As the guys leave, Dex glances back one more time before following.
“Later, Michaels.” Jessa tosses her hand in the air.
“You must think I’m horrible.” The brunette rushes over to me. “I’m Kailey,” she introduces herself and wraps her arms around my shoulders. When I don’t reciprocate, but rather stand there stiff, she pulls back. “Sorry, I’m just really happy right now. I didn’t mean to overstep your personal space,” she practically whispers, and a small smile crosses my lips. She’s nice and kind. My shoulders relax a little with her presence. “Come on over to the island.”
Kailey catches up with the two other girls, answering their stream of twenty questions. From what I can gather, she and Trey had recently split up. This is his parents’ house, he took her to some tree house last night and now they are happy again. Even with Jessa’s persistence, Kailey shyly shakes her head back and forth not giving any details.
After the gossip session, Kailey shows us out to the porch that opens up to more open land. A swing set to the left, a fire pit to the right. Two little girls run around the yard, blowing bubbles while a smaller boy waddles around in the grass as a woman, I assume is Trey’s mom, follows closely behind. They have three kids? Shit, I can’t even imagine. No wonder they weren’t talking for a while.
Leaning against the side of the pergola, the girls scream and cheer on at the two smaller girls tickling Dex. The sun streaming down on my face between the wooden slants, I watch Dex, so carefree and fun. Trey’s eyes veer to mine, and I instantly turn them back down to the ground. He jumps up, and the pit of my stomach fears he’ll come over and try to engage me, but instead he joins the masses. A few minutes go by with laughter shrieking throughout the yard. When everyone stands, Dex’s eyes find mine immediately and the smile falls from his face. That’s when I realize, this is the last place I should be. He has his life, and me showing up in his perfect shell is unfair.
Already regretting my decision to call Dex in the first place, I keep my distance for the remainder of the night, allowing him to have fun with his friends. He doesn’t engage me very much, only telling me even more that he wishes I wouldn’t have invaded his perfect life. By the time we go to bed, we venture into the room that is reserved for the two of us. I guess when you come with so many couples, it negates the whole guys in this room, girls in the other equation.
I escape into the bathroom and change my clothes. By the time I return, Dex is already in his pajama pants, digging in his bag. He drops his phone and bends down to retrieve it. As he steadily stands back up, his eyes roam up my body and a warm current in my blood swirls, following the path of his eyes. He bites his bottom lip and takes a deep breath. “I’ll be back,” he says with a husky voice.
Once he rushes out, I climb under the covers to disengage any sexual urges neither one of us will entertain tonight. In this moment, I wish I could be one of those girls. The ones who could sleep with Dex only to feel the comforting arms of a man, but it’s the fear of after that keeps my hands pinned around my body. The fear that he slept with me out of pity, or worse, that he only did it for his own pleasure and release.
He opens the door, and his blue eyes focus on the television and anywhere but at me. “I’ll sleep on the floor,” he murmurs, never casting a glance my way.
“Don’t be silly. We’ve done this before.” I flip to my side.
“When we were fourteen, Chris.” He grabs the pillow.
“Really, Dex. I trust you,” I tell him, facing him head on, and oh my lord, his muscles are everywhere. He’s always been built, but holy mackerole, he’s insanely big now.
He looks at me long and hard for a few seconds and then pulls back the covers. As he’s sliding under the crisp white linen sheets, the mattress dips next to me. I turn around so my back faces his. We both reach over and turn off the lights on our respective sides. The funny thing is if someone walked in right now, they’d think we were two elderly people, who have been married for years, instead of hot-blooded early twenty-somethings.
Minutes of silence fill the room, and even with me shutting my eyes, visualizing what I imagine the beach must feel like, sleep won’t come. Dex’s close proximity has my body hyperaware of his breathing and his body. “Do you want to tell me?” he whispers.
“I’m okay. Like I said, I just needed a break. Thank you for bringing me. I hope I wasn’t too much of an inconvenience for you,” I lie, and a huge breath releases from him.
“You’re never an inconvenience to me. If you don’t tell me, I can’t help you,” he adds, and I roll over, although, he keeps his back to me.
“Nothing. Like I said I needed a breather.” If I admit to Dex the real reason, he’ll try to fix it and save me like normal. Being here with his friends and the people that care about him, he deserves normality and that’s not in my life’s course.
My hands itch to touch the grooves and contours of the muscles that spread across his back, displaying how hard he works out at the gym every day. “Just wanted to feel normal. So, thank you again.” The lies just continue to flow. He doesn’t need my drama in his life. He has his together, why should my fucked up past screw with it?
The pillow shifts from his slow shake of his head. “You’re welcome,” he says, and the silence encompasses us once again. Eventually, the light whistling of his breathing signifies he’s fallen asleep. I lie awake, observing the rise and fall of his back until my eyes relent to the exhaustion of the day.
Loud voices fill the hallway with doors slamming and kids’ laughter. Wrestling myself awake, I feel Dex’s warm leg over mine, and his one arm splayed across my chest. Relishing the warmth of his touch, I try not to move an inch, enjoying this for the short time it lasts. “Seriously?” he mumbles, and I shut my eyes automatically, pretending to be asleep.
When he must feel our compromising entwinement, his head jolts and then his body relaxes once again on top of me. I swear his body inches a little closer, and I hear the softest inhale from his nose. Tearing away from me, he sits up and swings his legs over the bed. Peeking one eye up, I watch his head fill his hands while his back rises and falls. Murmuring under his breath, he quickly stands, shrugging a shirt on, and leaves the room.
The door slowly shuts, and you can barely hear the click of the knob. I open my eyes and a huff releases from my own mouth. It was the first morning in a long time I felt safe before the breaking of dawn brought me back to my shitty reality.
By the time we leave Trey’s, Dex asks Brady if he can borrow the Camaro. The good guy Brady appears to be answers yes. A few hours later, Dex parks outside my crappy apartment in my crappy neighborhood. Dex tried to convince me to go back to Western with him, but I declined the offer. He has his life and I have mine, unfortunately, they aren’t on the same path. His hand moves for the door handle, but I place my hand on his other one. “It’s okay, you go. Thank you for the ride.” I release him of my obligation, opening the door with my other.
“Are you sure? I can walk you up.”
“No, I’ve got it.” I turn around and step one foot out the door.
“Chrissy, you’d tell me right?” he almost whispers, and I stop.
“Of course,” I lie for the umpteenth time in twenty-four hours.
He adds nothing else, so I continue my exit.
“Call me if you need me, okay? The offer is always good. Call me and I’ll be here in a half hour.” He leans over the center console, and those blue eyes search mine.
“Of course,” I say. “Bye, Dex. Thanks again.” I shut the door before he can even say his own goodbye.
Waiting for him to drive away, I pretend to walk up to my old apartment, secretly praying my father’s not around and especially that Nico isn’t. Once I open the doors and walk in, smelling the stench of garbage, cigarettes, and piss in the entryway, I hear the muffler of the Camaro roar to life and I slowly exit. Peering down the road, the red taillights are only two specks in a sea of black. Taking a breath, I walk down the street and around the corner.
Digging my keys out of my bag, I insert them into my now home. Climbing in and tossing my bag on the seat, something catches my eye. Something that I definitely didn’t pack a day ago when I used the last of my paycheck for the bus fare to Western.
My fingers practically shake as they reach for it. Rolled up in a small rubber band are crisp twenty dollar bills. Slowly, I release it from the bands and three hundred in bills land in my lap. A long breath I was holding releases. “Damn him,” I mumble. I despise myself for his need to consistently save me.
