Текст книги "The Scheme"

Автор книги: Mia Kayla

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Текущая страница: 15 (всего у книги 18 страниц)

EIGHTEEN

KENDY

Brian had texted and called, his voicemails turning from sweet to solemn. I didn’t respond to anything. I wasn’t one to avoid confrontation . . . but with him, I wanted to avoid conflict like it was my deathbed.

I had called my mother back, congratulating her on her engagement, but I was mad that my past was even preventing me from being genuinely happy for my own mother. I cursed my history for leaking into the present and taking this moment from me.

My only saving grace, other than sitting in my apartment and hating myself for being a total bitch, was that I had to work. For the next three days, I’d be working my twelve-hour shifts.

I debated texting him that I had to work, but it would mean he’d have hope for after work.

Strolling the ER floor in a daze, I checked into the nurses’ station, got my list of patients, and started to make my rounds. About three hours in, I strolled to the coffee machine, needing the extra jolt of caffeine tonight, especially since I hadn’t slept well after leaving Brian’s place.

Leaning against the counter, I rubbed my temple with two fingers, attempting to ward off an oncoming headache. I could already feel the beginning throbs at my temples.

I didn’t get headaches often, only in high stress situations, and this would definitely be classified as high freaking stress.

When I peered up, Sarah was strolling in, smirking like she’d won the lotto. She stopped in front of me, but her cheery self didn’t affect my mood. Happiness was contagious, but not with all the confusion reigning over my life.

“Guess what?” she said, her voice peppy and bright.

I squinted up at her, because opening my eyes at full mast only intensified my oncoming migraine.

“What?” I asked, rubbing my temple like I could imprint my fingerprints onto my brain and force the throbbing to cease.

“I heard rumblings that a certain someone is going to ask you out.” She practically bounced on her toes, while nausea crept up my throat at the thought.

I’d heard that one before. I gave her a dubious expression, as if saying, ‘So?’

I should’ve been excited, over the freaking moon about it. Finally, after weeks of pining after James, I’d caught his attention, but my thoughts were constantly on Brian. He was the one who occupied my head and my heart, and I doubted I would get over what had happened so easily.

“I thought you’d be happier to hear my news report. What’s wrong with you?” She quirked an eyebrow, taking in my hunched posture.

“Well, there’s kind of a party going on in my brain. These little drummer boys are in competition with who can be the loudest.”

“Cheer up.” She bumped her shoulder against mine. “Your Dr. Hot Pants is on the market,” she swooned. “And I’m pretty positive you’re next on his list.”

“That’s great,” I said with no inflection in my voice.

She angled toward me as if there was some big secret that no one should know about, which was odd, because there was no one in our vicinity. “He’s interested in you,” she said with a sly grin. “I’m so sure.”

“What do you mean?”

“He asked if you were seeing someone and I specifically told him no. You were free as a bird, ready to fly and soar and get married. I told him you were sweet as pie and talked you up,” she squealed, her eyes brightening. “He’s been asking about you nonstop.”

I pressed my thumbs harder to my temple. Her pitch was only intensifying the pounding, so I shut her out. She kept talking and talking, but I didn’t hear anything. I only saw Brian in my head. Brian’s smile. His blue eyes staring down at me.

Sarah snapped her fingers in front of my face. “Hello. Earth to Kendall. Are you listening to me? He’s going to ask you out.”

I dropped my head, focusing on the floor. The little drummer boy pounding in my brain was turning into a Marine firing a machine gun.

What was wrong with me? This was what I had wanted. This was what I had planned out, what the psychic had predicted. The answer was laid out in front of me, clear as day. So why was I so conflicted?

There was an emptiness in the pit of my belly, and I knew it had everything to do with Brian. I raised my head and squinted up at her. “I don’t know what I want anymore.” My voice was soft as the truth finally leaked out.

Her mouth flew open, wide enough for a fly to pass through. “What do you mean?”

I shrugged, shocking myself with what I was about to say. “I’m just not sure if he’s it anymore.”

Sarah stalked to the other side of me and filled up a cup with water. She pushed the Styrofoam toward my face and held out a Tylenol she’d dug from her pocket. “Take it. I think your headache is interfering with your ability to think clearly.”

I did as I was told because I needed the headache gone, but that wasn’t what was hindering my thinking. Not all of it, anyway.

“James Klein, the hottest man in the universe, who also happens to be a doctor, is going to ask you out.” She tilted in, her face stern. “Don’t make my efforts go to waste.”

I reeled back, wondering how sweet Sarah had been replaced with this pushy chick from Jersey.

But her face softened a moment later. “I’m just saying.” She placed her hand on top of my arm. “You asked me to help you land him, right? Well, here I am, helping you. He’s doing rounds around ten. Just do what you regularly do. I’m sure he’ll be excited to see you. It’s perfect.”

I didn’t answer her. All I wanted to do was go home and sleep, forget about all the chaos ringing through my head and in my heart.

“He gave you the moon, remember?” she whispered conspiratorially. “Your soul mate, as that psychic once put it.”

All I could do was nod. Before, all I had wanted, all I had wished for, was a chance with him, and it looked like I was going to get it.

But did I want it?

***

It was a slow night. Not a lot of patients with broken arms or gunshot wounds. Not that I was hoping for either, but I needed something to keep my mind off of things, and blood always seemed to help occupy me.

I watched James pace back and forth around the nurses’ station. It was as if he was purposely trying to get my attention. In normal circumstances, I’d be up and out of my seat, giddy at the thought of him noticing me. At one time, I would’ve craved any bit of attention he would throw my way. Now I felt blasé about it. I didn’t care anymore.

I sat in the chair, rested my elbows at the edge of the desk, and stared blankly at my computer screen. I was bored out of my mind as I waited for my next patient. When James finally approached the desk, I smiled up at him, feeling polite but nothing else.

It was funny. Odd. Almost freaky. Just a couple weeks ago, I’d been like a teenage girl with butterflies whenever he was around. I groaned internally at the irony of my life.

I wished I could just get this over with, fast forward five years to see where I’d be. I wanted to confirm I’d be as happy with him as Evangeline had predicted because with all that Beth had said about futures changing and all my feelings for Brian bubbling to the surface, I had major doubts.

I looked away from his hopeful grin. If he was going to ask me out, let him do it. If not, I vowed to remain celibate with my vibrator for life. No complications. No expectations. Me and my energizer bunny, that never told me he was tired, unless the batteries ran out.

When James walked away, I huffed out a sigh and went back to my computer screen, charting my last patient. After ten minutes, I headed to the coffee machine. I felt his presence behind me before I even turned around. When I moved to face him, he threw me his winning smile, the one that used to make my heart pitter-patter and my knees go wobbly.

But as I stared up at him, I started to notice everything Brian had pointed out, things I had never spotted before because I was too infatuated with a guy I hardly knew, a guy I had put up on a pedestal.

He awkwardly rested his hip against the counter where the coffee machine was stationed, not at all suave. He looked uncomfortable—stiff. Just thinking of that word made me laugh internally.

“Slow night,” he remarked with a forced coolness that made me believe he’d never once been cool.

Disappointment seeped into me. It was hard to believe that, not so long ago, I’d thought he was the epitome of the perfect man. But he was only a character I’d made up in my head.

His eyes roamed my face then drifted to the curvature of my breasts. If this had happened even last week, his look alone would’ve probably given me goose bumps. But it didn’t today. Slowly, I crossed my arms over my chest so he’d stop undressing me with his eyes. My boobs weren’t his to look at.

“Dr. Chan is already down here. I’m wondering if I should go home,” he said, his eyes still on my chest.

Rude much?

I didn’t answer. Instead, I just closed my eyes and let his voice wash over me. I pictured us buck naked, doing it like rabbits as I had imagined so many times before.

“Hey,” he said, “I was thinking maybe we could go out to dinner. Me and you. On a date. I checked your schedule and we’re both free Friday night.”

A date?

Brian’s face popped into my mind, and my mouth went dry. I felt sick.

When I opened my eyes, I forced a smile for his benefit and mentally cursed Brian for ruining something that was supposed to be perfect.

This was Karma biting me in my sweet ass because every time I closed my eyes, I knew he was the only man I’d see.

Being with Brian had ruined me for eternity.

***

For four days, I avoided Brian’s calls and texts like a dark alley in the ghetto. It felt like an eternity since we’d seen each other, and I was willing to keep that going. It would be easier to pretend we never happened.

All was going as planned until Thursday night, when I walked up to my apartment and saw him in front of my door.

He was hunched over, sitting on the floor. His legs were stretched out in front of him, his Cubs hat drawn low, so I couldn’t see his eyes. I stopped moving as a flood of emotions engulfed me, a dizzying current racing through my veins. Damn, I’d missed him.

There was no denying it as my heart raced in my chest. There was this pull, this energy forcing me toward him. It took all my self-control, all my power, to remain a few steps away.

When he saw me, he pushed himself off the floor. “Hey,” he said as he lifted his cap.

“Hey,” I replied softly.

He pointed to a traveler’s mug on the floor. “Hot cocoa,” he murmured. “Since you missed the opportunity to taste it the other night . . . I tried to perfect it at home.”

I swallowed hard and bit the inside of my cheek.

How much more perfect can this guy get?

When our eyes locked, there was such sadness in the span of blue looking down at me, and I knew I was the bitch who’d put it there. It hadn’t been intentional. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt him.

When he stepped forward, I took a step back. The hurt in his eyes intensified, and my gaze dropped to the floor as a nauseating feeling of despair began to take over. I couldn’t bear to see all the pain I’d caused him without breaking down myself.

When he reached for me, I pulled away, putting even more distance between us. If he touched me, I’d cave. I’d lose all resolve, and I wasn’t sure I could give myself to him, lose myself completely.

“We need to talk,” he said firmly.

I nodded once and inserted my key in the door before stepping inside. He followed right behind me. I dropped my purse on the floor, fidgeted with the edge of my scrubs, and backed up against the wall. All my defenses were up because I was scared shitless.

Right now, I needed an absolute guarantee that our story would end happily, and Brian couldn’t give me that. I couldn’t stand another heartbreak. My breakup with Cole had severed my heart and tore me down. I wouldn’t be able to live through another failed relationship again. Would I even be able to trust Brian completely after all I’d been through? That wasn’t fair to Brian, either. Brian was no Cole, but how could I overcome this?

All I knew was I had to protect my heart, the beating organ, which pumped life into every vital part of my body. If I couldn’t protect my own self, who would?

I crossed my arms over my chest, placing another barrier between us. My lip quivered as I forced up the shield I was so used to.

He approached me, but I couldn’t retreat any farther. I was already backed against the wall. His presence blanketed me and bombarded my senses, which only reminded me how much I longed for him.

He was a foot away now, and my fingers twitched at my sides, yearning to touch him. With one more step, he closed the gap between us and cupped the side of my face. Heat spread through my body, and I didn’t pull away this time because I wanted to feel his hands on me. Though I knew it would only be temporary and painful when it was over, I’d deal with that later, because I needed the now so much more.

I was a puddle of mush against his touch, the shield crashing down. My self-control slipped. I was losing the inner battle between my heart and my mind. With his other hand, he reached for my arm, forcing me to uncross them as he stepped into me.

Emotions rushed to the surface as my breathing became labored. He frightened me beyond belief. I’d never felt so vulnerable, like I could crumble between his fingertips. Problem was, I yearned for him so badly, and there was nothing I could do to stop my heart from wanting what it wanted.

I rested my cheek in his hand as exhaustion hit. For once, I wished I could relinquish control of a life I used to be so sure of. And I wanted Brian to take the lead.

But then my jaw tensed as my messed up thoughts brought me back to Cole, the way I’d let him in, let myself become vulnerable, and, ultimately, he’d broken me. My father and Cole had crushed any semblance of hope I’d had in any other man.

Brian made me feel the way Cole did, but worse. I felt naked in front of him, even when I was fully clothed. He could see the damaged me, not just the spunky, fun Kendy, but he’d also seen all my broken pieces. He knew my past about my father, and about my tormented, violent history with Cole, and yet . . . he was here, with me.

He ran his thumb lightly down my cheek, and I tilted into his palm. Being this close to him was a living contradiction. There was a direct pull between my brain and my heart. My heart melted at the look in his eyes, yet I was torn, knowing I needed to stay away.

He pulled me into him, and I let him, again.

Because I was weak, and he was my kryptonite.

He lifted my chin, his eyes telling me all I needed to know. I swallowed, heat forming behind my eyes. I wanted to tell him he frightened me, that what was happening between us scared the shit out of me, but I didn’t, because I was on the verge of tears.

He bent down and kissed my lips, so softly, so sweetly, as though he was breathing all his emotions into me, then he pulled back. “I love you,” he said with so much intensity all his sincerity poured into those three words.

And then it was over.

I broke down in front of him. Big, fat tears spilled down my cheeks. I hadn’t cried in front of anyone other than Beth before, but I couldn’t seem to stop.

I trembled in his arms, but his hold only tightened as he rested his forehead against mine. He knew I was shattering. “I know you’re scared, but I’m never going to hurt you. I promise.”

I wanted to believe him. For once, I wanted to believe and put my trust in a man and know he wouldn’t fail me.

“I’m not him,” he said, his voice filled with emotion. “I want to be with you. I love you, baby. Don’t push me away. Please let me in.”

I wanted to. I wanted to so badly. Why was it so damn hard?

“Look at me, Kendy.”

When I opened my eyes, I could see his heart in the blue of his eyes.

“The best thing about this—about us—is falling,” he whispered. “Fall back, baby, and know I’m never going to let you hit the ground.” He wiped my tears with his thumbs. “I want you to pick me. I want to take care of you, be your ‘it’ guy. If you want the moon, I’ll give you the moon. I’ll give you twenty fucking moons, if that’s what you want,” he said lightly, even though the moment was serious. “Your psychic predicted he’d give you the moon, but I’d give you the moon, the stars, the universe, and everything in it. Everything you want. I want to be the man to give it to you.”

It was all too much. Me crying, his words, his presence. I swiped at my cheeks, trying to dry my tears. I tried moving away from him, but he reached for my hand, stilling me in my spot.

His jaw was set, his mind made up. “This is where everything changes. Where I make it change. In this story, the good guy doesn’t finish last. This is where he gets the girl he wants, the one he’s in love with. I’m not walking away this time. Not when you’re it for me.”

I sniffled and took a deep breath, searching his face. My feet were on solid ground, yet I felt unsteady. Brian had done this to me, just by being himself. He’d broken down my defenses, made me feel helpless, uncovered, and susceptible to anything.

All I wanted was to be whole, to know I’d be happy and in love, with four children and grandbabies for my mama.

Sarah’s words rang loudly in my head. Once again, my stomach sunk to the floor when thoughts of the commitment I’d made to James tomorrow resurfaced. How did I know this other guy wasn’t it? All I wanted was a chance with James, and now that I had it, I no longer wanted it.

It slipped out before I could bite it back. “I have a date with James tomorrow.”

The hope on his face disintegrated as he clenched his jaw. “Tell me you feel nothing. Right now. Tell me you don’t feel what I feel between us.”

It was a challenge. He knew. He could see it in my eyes, feel it in the way I couldn’t turn away from him.

My mouth went dry, and I looked away. “I don’t have feelings for you.” My voice came out strong. Not just because I wanted him to believe me, but because I wanted to believe me. It would be easier on both of us.

“Bullshit!” he snapped.

I raised my chin and squared my shoulders as the fight rose within me. It was a mechanism I knew so well. It was how I was built and what I did when I didn’t want to face the truth.

“I don’t have feelings for you.” This time, my voice was even firmer. I faked confidence as though I’d been born a liar, my eyes locked on his, not backing down.

A pained expression crossed his face as he stumbled back, like I’d sucker punched him. I watched as hurt seeped out of every wilting part of him, and through the reflection in his eyes, I could see the bitch I truly was, jutting out my chin and stubbornly moving away.

“Don’t do this, Kendy.” The way his voice broke, half commanding me, tore at my insides.

I knew I was hurting him, but this was better for both of us. I clenched my jaw to prevent any emotions from coming to the surface, though a sensation of intense desolation swept over me.

If I didn’t rein this in now, I’d lose. I couldn’t afford to be weak, not in front of him, though inside I was dying.

I swallowed and spoke firmly. “You’re the one who changed the game. This was not how it was supposed to be.”

He reeled back. “Why does everything have to be a game for you?” His voice turned harsh.

“Because it is!” I shouted. My body trembled as I tried to maintain composure. “We agreed. You never told me you wanted anything different.”

“Kendy, things happened. Things changed. For me, at least.” He lowered his voice to barely a whisper. “I thought you felt something.”

“Yeah. Orgasms.” A suffocating sensation tightened around my throat as those words left my mouth. It was mean, but it was all I had left.

He shook his head, shuffling back another step. “No. Something more, something real.” A shudder left his body as he drew in a sharp breath.

I crossed my arms in front of me and stared at him like he was the stupid one, the only one who had felt our connection. Maybe I was a better liar than I thought.

I held my breath, counting seconds for what seemed like an eternity as he stared at me, hoping I’d take back what I just said, but I was stronger than that. I’ve had eight years of practice to toughen up my skin.

The mask was in place as I fixed my eyes on him. But slowly, my insides crumbled as I witnessed his eyes drop to the ground, all hope in them crushed.

“You’re right. You made the rules, and I decided to play the game. I get it.” His voice turned cold, disconnected. “I should’ve known that when you break the rules, you get burned.”

“Bry,” I whispered.

I wanted to say I was sorry. I wanted to tell him this was the last thing I’d meant to happen. I wanted to tell him this was as much for him as it was for me, that he didn’t deserve a messed up, broken woman afraid of her own future. My traitorous feet wanted to move toward him, but I knew I shouldn’t. That would’ve brought me back to square one.

His tone was rough as he said, “If you go out with Stiff, I don’t want to see you. Ever. I walk out that door, and it’s going to be forever. You hear me?”

His voice was cold, lashing, as his eyes met mine, not breaking contact. An inkling of hope passed through his eyes, as if he thought I might change my mind in the next two seconds, but as I straightened my stance, not letting any weakness show, that glimmer diminished, his eyes turning hard.

“Good bye, Kendall.” He nodded once and stepped out the door.

I stared at the empty space and my open door as my tears betrayed me, falling to my cheeks. The tough girl act had left with Brian . . . when he walked out my door and out of my life. The sinking anguish caused me to stumble and slide to the floor. My head fell into my hands as I let the vulnerable girl cry it all out, alone.

Trapped in my own lie, I was defeated.