Текст книги "After Forever Ends "

Автор книги: Melodie Ramone

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Текущая страница: 8 (всего у книги 39 страниц)

Alex told Oliver what had happened at the library over dinner.

“Really?” Ollie looked around the room with interest, “Which ones?”

Alex looked at him sideways and jammed another fork full of meat into his gob before he pointed to a table across the room.

“Those little hamsters?” Oliver ripped off a piece of bread. The boys saw him looking over and quickly turned their heads. Oliver looked a bit disgusted, “You should have hit him.”

“Oh, aye,” Alex nodded sarcastically, his cup held in mid-air, “I’d have hit him, yeah? And his friends would have made a bunch of noise, mind, and Cronin the Librarian would have had me. Pennyweather would’ve called Dad again and I’d be up a tree for real. Good idea, Oliver. Next time I’ll hit him!” He shook his head and then added sharply, “Oh! And you’re welcome, too. You might have thanked me for looking out for Silvia.”

“Thank you, Alexander,” Oliver returned coldly, “Mind, I would have thought that you’d be looking out for her and Lucy without needing any recognition for the fact.”

Alex was giving his brother such a look of pure hatred I wasn’t sure what he was going to do or say. He sat for a few seconds glaring at him until he stood up violently and shoved his tray across the table. It hit Oliver in the chest and splattered.

Oliver jumped up at first in shock, but his face quickly turned to rage. He didn’t have time to retaliate, however, before our Headmistress was beside the table.

“I know,” Alexander gave her an almost apologetic look, “Detention. I’ll see you in your office in fifteen minutes.”

“Actually,” She fumbled with her spectacles, “I was going to ask if everything was all right between the two of you.”

“Everything is fine, Ma’am,” Oliver lied sullenly, wiping gravy from his shirt, “I think it was an accident the way he shoved the tray. We weren’t even arguing. I think he spilled something on his trousers.”

“It didn’t look like an accident to me.” She frowned, her eyes flicking back and forth between the twins.

“No, Ma’am,” Alexander’s voice was not much louder than a whisper, “I spilled some hot soup on my lap and jumped up. I didn’t mean to shove the tray like that.”

“See?” Oliver didn’t look pleased, “I thought so. You all right then, Brother? Didn’t scald your willy, did you?”

Alexander shot him another hateful look, but said nothing.

Headmistress didn’t appear as if she believed a word, but she didn’t check Alexander’s trousers for soup either. She looked back and forth between the boys again and frowned more deeply, “As I said, I wanted to see if everything was all right. It’s always a shame when two people who have always looked out for the other are suddenly at odds. But I see all is well with the two of you, since you both agree to the same story as usual. Seeing as supper has nearly ended, if you’d like to go change your clothes, Oliver, I can have your dinnertime extended.”

“Thank you, Ma’am, but no,” Oliver continued to wipe himself off, “I’m fine.”

“Do you need a new tray, Alexander?”

“No thank you, Ma’am. I’m not hungry.”

She looked between them, “Very well then.” And she returned to the professor’s table.

Alex stood there locked in a moment with his brother that I could not diagnose. He was obviously waiting for something to be said, but Oliver only glanced up at him for a second and then looked away far too casually. He picked up his fork as if nothing had happened and stuck it into his roast beef.

Alexander pushed in his chair and walked away in an angry silence.

There was something escalating between Oliver and Alexander that I did not understand. The discord had begun just before their return to Bennington. Those boys were very close. There wasn’t much that went on with either of them that the other was not aware of. I’d seen them argue, but any anger was generally short lived. They were partners in crime more often, but there had been noticeable tension between them as of late that I found upsetting.

“What was that?” I asked Oliver after a few moments had passed with nobody saying anything.

“That was nothing,” He muttered, not looking up from his supper.

“What is going on, Mate?” Merlyn put down his cup, “Alexander’s a bit up on his horse.”

“He’s a twat,” Was all Oliver said.

“He’s very upset,” Lance said knowingly, “I’ve never seen him so angry with you, Ollie.”

Sandy sneezed viciously into her serviette. She dabbed daintily at her swollen nose and closed her bloodshot eyes in misery before she did it again, “Whatever it is needs to be made right. He’s your twin.”

“What needs to be made right is you getting a refill on your allergy medication before your brains come flying out,” Oliver answered quickly. His dark eyes darted around the table, “Aye, he is my twin. There’s not a whole lot I can do about that one, is there? Believe me if there were, right now I’d do it. You lot need to mind your own business. Don’t any of you worry about what’s going on between me and Alexander. He wants to blame anybody but himself for the consequences of what he does. You’ll be next if you’re not careful.” He waved a finger at each of us. Sandy sneezed again so hard she hit her head against the table. Oliver leaned across his tray quickly and put a hand on her cheek in concern, “Christ, Sandra! You all right? Can’t you get something from the nurse?”

I asked him again what the problem was when we were sitting alone by the lake. I thought that perhaps he would tell me the whole story apart from the others.

Oliver sighed, “Do you remember in Ebbw Vale when those blokes came looking for Alex?” I nodded. He continued, “Well, they caught up to him. He really...” Oliver trailed off as if he had decided not to say what he’d begun to. He took a breath through his nose and held it with his lips pinched tight before he continued, “Well, let me just say that Alexander was held accountable-like for something that he’d done. I’d rather not say what it was specifically since he told me in confidence. He’s embarrassed about it because he was taken in by someone. He knew he shouldn’t have done it, but, mind, he didn’t know the full story of what he was getting into, either. Certain vital information was withheld from him, if you get my meaning,” Oliver stopped speaking again for a moment. He studied my face before he continued, “But he didn’t consider the consequences of rushing in, either. Don’t tell a soul I told you this, Silvia,” Ollie looked into my eyes, “They kicked the crap out of my brother. Literally. They waited for him and found him walking home and beat the shit out him in the gully by our house. They made enough noise that a neighbour of ours saw it happening and her husband chased them off, but there were four of them and nothing Alex could do. He tried to fight, but he didn’t stand a chance. He was all alone,” Oliver shook his head, “He’s never been alone in a fight. I’ve always been there to help him if he wasn’t winning, but I wasn’t there that time because I was with you.”

“Oh, God, Ollie. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, Silvia and don't make it, either,” He took my hand into one of his and covered it with the other, “Mum and Dad want blood out of somebody, but Alex won’t say who did it, even though he full well knows and so do I. He’s embarrassed. Plus, he’s nonetheless hurt. He spent two nights in the hospital. The bruises are gone, but his shoulder was dislocated and it’s still wrecked. His wrist and fingers ache all the time from being broken and he’s got pains jetting through his jaw. He doesn’t sleep well because he can’t get the pain to stop. The pain medicine makes him sick. And me…well, I guess I’m supposed to go right on over and fight the guys who did it to him, but I can’t say that I’m exactly supportive of that idea.” Ollie shifted his weight in the grass, “I knew something had happened. It’s way I was in such a hurry to leave your house, but when I got home and found out…yeah, I was angry. I still am, but I’ve been telling him for a long time he needs to slow down and think before he launches himself head over arse into trouble. I kept telling him sooner or later he was going to get himself into real trouble, but he just kept on and when it finally happened, all I could say was I told him so.”

“So he’s angry with you because you said you told him so?”

“Alexander’s just angry. He’s been angry for a long while and now he’s really angry. He’s not letting go of any of it this time. He’s angry with our parents, he’s angry with the school, he’s angry with me. He’s just brassed off all the time and there’s nothing I can do to help him.” Oliver looked at me carefully, “I’ve decided to just leave him alone and hope he come to his senses eventually.”

“I hate seeing the two of you fight.” I lay my head against his arm. “It makes me so sad.”

“We’ll be fine, I’m sure.” Oliver stroked my cheek with the back of his fingers, “He can’t keep this up forever. I told him I can’t keep catering to him. I’ve got my own life. One day he’ll understand. He has to.”

That one day was a long way off. That entire year they were either barely talking or taking verbal pot shots at each other. To this moment, I still do not know in detail all of what went on between Oliver and Alexander that divided them, but I know what finally reunited them.

Two days after we finished the school year, I came to visit at their house. Oliver and Alexander had been in the garden mowing and raking when I arrived and after a quick kiss from Ollie and a peck on the cheek from Alex, I’d gone inside to have tea with Ana.

“Lovely day, isn’t it?” Ana and I settled into the sun room. She poured a cup and sat down across from me all ready for a chat, “The weather report said it was supposed to rain this afternoon…” She trailed off and looked nervously toward the window as voices approached. An obvious disagreement had made its way on to the patio. Ana shook her head, “They’ve been fighting for days,” She mumbled.

I nodded, but my focus was on what was being said outside the window.

“I can’t believe you!” Oliver sounded distinctly annoyed, “Shut up! Bitch, bitch, bitch! You need to pull whatever it is you’ve got shoved up your tight arse and get on with your life!”

“I’ll let go of it when I’m good and ready, Oliver! And it’s not just that, either! It’s you! It’s the way you’ve become! You walk around like no one but Silvia’s good enough for you! The whole school should fall down and worship you! Perfect Oliver with his perfect girl! No one can touch Oliver, yeah? ‘Cause he’s so bloomin’ high above you if you look up at him you’ll get blinded by the sun! You think you’re so fucking clever…”

“A might cleverer than you, Boyo! Who is it always getting stung at school? Not me! There’s a good reason for that, too! I DON’T DO STUPID THINGS THAT GET ME CAUGHT! You’re so stupid! You never listen!” The aggravation was rising in Oliver’s voice, “You just do whatever without thinking about the consequences! If you’d been home where you were supposed to be that night it wouldn’t have happened at all! They couldn’t have got you!”

“Oh, aye! Coming from The Saintly Oliver, that means so much! As if you’ve never slipped off to the pub at night!” Alexander’s voice was dripping with sarcasm, but it quickly dropped low to a threatening tone, “You sit back and plan your crimes, you calculate them like a bloody criminal! And then sit there like you’re too good to shit! Maybe I ought to tell Pennyweather about you being the one nicking the money out of the pay phones last term or you finding Professor McClellan’s password in her desk drawer and going back later to change your marks in her computer so you didn’t fail out of Physics! Or maybe I should tell her it’s you who knows how to get inside the vending machines and that’s why they’re always going empty!”

“At least I don’t get caught! And if I did I’d take responsibility, yeah? Without moaning about it like a little bitch like you! You’re nothing but a fucking whiney little bitch, Alex! And you’d do that, would you? You’d get your own brother expelled from school?”

“Why not?” Alex was shouting now, “You’d leave your own brother alone to get beaten up! We all know where your priorities lie, don’t we, Oliver?”

“How many times do I have to tell you that I didn’t know what was going to happen? Or that I’m sorry?” Oliver interrupted. He sounded exasperated, “Fuck! I didn’t know any better than you what she’d set you up for! I wanted to fight them in Ebbw Vale, if you remember, and get it over with then, but you sprinted off like a schoolgirl! If I’d known they were going to come here, I wouldn’t have gone to Silvia’s! I’d have stayed and made sure you were all right! I can’t go back in time and stay here with you instead of leaving, now can I? And I can’t be any sorrier than I am about what happened to you! Jesus Christ! You’re my brother and they meant to kill you! How do you think that makes me feel knowing I wasn’t there? I’d have died with you, Alexander! You know that! But hells bells…will there ever be a day when you take responsibility for a single damn thing in your life?”

“That’s brilliant coming out of you!”

“Shut up! I’m tired of listening to your rubbish!”

“Don’t walk away from me, Oliver!”

“Get your fucking hands off me! I’ll not tell you twice!”

Ana and I stared at each other in silence, waiting for the next exchange. I watched the disquiet wash across her face as if she knew what was about to happen. She closed her eyes and cringed, tensing her shoulders as if bracing for an impact.

It was deathly silent for about a half a second before there were the sounds of a scuffle.

“I’ll kill you!” Alexander swore.

“Go fuck yourself!”

A crowd of birds shot up past the kitchen window just as the impact of somebody's body slammed into the side of the house and caused the glass to rattle. Grunts and muttered curses filled my ears. I heard a series of thuds like somebody slamming a raw steak on to a counter top. It took me a second to realise it was the sound of fists pounding flesh.

“Boys! Stop it right now or I’ll tell your father!” Ana screamed as she raced for the door. “Boys! I mean it! Stop it before you hurt each other!”

As I followed her to the door and peered out into the garden. I saw Alexander lift Oliver up from around the waist in a rugby style take down. Ollie was pounding the back of his head with short, rapid blows, as if he were trying to punch his brains through his skull and out by way of his face.

Alexander roared from deep in his throat. They were words that came from him, but to be honest, it sounded like only one. He screamed, “FLABBERDUFT!” as he slammed Oliver on to the concrete and brought his fist down on him.

What he said may have been in Welsh. I don't know, but Ana screamed and there was a terrible crash from the boys’ direction simultaneous to me banging into her in an effort to get out there and save my boyfriend from the murderous hands of his brother. Ana and I both tumbled on to the patio.

“Boys!” Ana was powerless and she knew it. She stood with her arms stuck out at her sides and her mouth in a death cringe, “Oh, no!”

We rushed toward them. For just a second, everything was still. The garbage bins were turned over. Rubbish was scattered everywhere. Oliver was lying flat on his back with hands over his face and his eyes pinched shut. Alexander was leaned over him, his fist still clenched.

“Get up, you little cunt!” He snarled.

“Fuck off!” Oliver’s reply was muffled through his hands. He looked up and stared up into his brother's eyes, but made no move to fight him. Blood oozed around his fingers.

Ana gasped, “Alexander! What did you do to him?”

“I gave him what he had coming!”

Ana dropped down beside her fallen son, “Oliver! Are you hurt?”

“No! Of course I‘m not bloody hurt!” He waved her off, “Step off me, Woman!”

She stood and took a few steps back.

Oliver lowered his hand to reveal a blood smeared face. There was a stream of blood coming out of one nostril. He wiped it across his cheek and looked hard at his brother. For a long moment, he sat and said nothing. Then he finally spoke. “You could’ve hit me harder than that! What are you? Some kind of pansy?”

“I knocked you flat!”

“You hit like a girl!” Oliver pulled on his teeth as if to make sure they were still secure and then licked his lips. He wiped his nose again.

“A girl? Me? You’re the one lying on the ground bleeding!” Alex stood up and cradled his still tender, once broken wrist. He winced.

“Lucky!” Oliver dabbed at his nose again with his sleeve. His top lip was visibly swollen. “If I hadn’t been off balance I would have had you! It’d be you on the ground bleeding!”

“Like hell! I hit you square in the face! I split your lip wide open!”

“Then why is it that my nose is the thing bleeding?”

“It’s your nose and your mouth!”

Oliver climbed to his feet, “No, it’s not!” He swore, even though it was, “It’s just the one side of my nose! You’re a pixie! I swear! Next time you hit somebody hit them hard enough to break something!”

“I’ll hit you again if you like.” Alex offered, rubbing the fingers on his hand that had been taped. I could see the orbit of his right eye beginning to darken and swell.

“You’ll just hurt your ickle witty hand again,” Ollie sneered. He climbed to his feet and pressed a hand up to his ear, shaking his head against it.

“Oh, piss off! “Alexander gave him a shove as he walked past.

“See! Attacking me from the rear, you are!” Oliver looked over at his mother, blood pouring down his handsome face, “Did you see that, Woman? Your son shoving me from the rear? It’s you who raised him to be a…” He turned back to his brother, “A… great…” Oliver seemed to be searching for the proper insult. He shook his head, unable to find it. He settled on, “…cowardly bastard.”

“A great cowardly bastard?” Alex winced and held his ribs with a contorted arm.

“It’s a fair cup!” Oliver replied. “Alexander the Nancy Boy, the Great Cowardly Bastard! Now go put your high heels on and I’ll have Silvia take you dancing!”

Alexander laughed loudly and put his hand on his brother’s back.

“You called me a cunt!” Oliver chuckled as they disappeared together into the house. “I can’t bloody believe it! Filthy gob you have!”

“Sorry. You know I didn’t mean that.”

“It’s all right. I called you a whiney little bitch. We’re even.”

And just like that the problem with them was settled. It was over and done with and the two of them were as good as new, best mates and brothers as always.

I wondered why it hadn’t happened sooner, but I knew the answer. It had a name. Pennyweather.

Ana and I stood staring at each other in the silence that followed their exit. It was at that moment she offered me the best advice she ever would. “Don’t try to make sense of them, Dear,” She patted my shoulder kindly, “Don’t even try. Just accept them both for who they are and have the courage to love them anyway.”

Those were words I lived by for more or less the rest of my life.

The boys and I spent our summer as we had the one before, them working during the week and Oliver and I rushing North and South across Wales to see each other any chance we got. Alexander came and went as he always did and we occasionally caught up with Lucy, who had her own pressing social schedule. When we did the four of us did meet up, we took flight in whatever direction fit our fancy. It was that summer that the twins and I were seventeen and that summer they decided it was time for me to learn to drive a car.

I’d never been behind the wheel of a car before. I didn’t know how to turn on the lamps, much less where the gears were. In fact, I had no idea that cars even had indicators to show which way they were turning. Alex found this extremely entertaining and sat laughing at me for a good ten minutes as the car lurched and died, lurched and died, and just sometimes just plain died.

“Shut up, Alex! You‘re not helping!” Lucy scolded, “You can do it, Silvia! Try again!”

“OK, you’re letting up too fast,” Oliver told me gently, leaning toward me and motioning at the pedals with is hand, “Let up on the clutch slowly until you feel it tug and then accelerate gently...that’s it...all right, now depress the clutch again and shift...good job, Sil! Now let up slowly and accelerate...shift…excellent, Love! Now do it again! Hooray! We’re moving!”

Lucy cheered. Alexander let loose in the back seat with a mighty, “Yeeeeeee-haw!” that sent me into a fit of giggles. But I drove. Without a proper license to be doing it, I drove their mother’s car from Abergavenny to Welshpool, stopping at the park behind their house to switch drivers so that Ana never found out what we’d done.

It was that summer that I developed something in myself that I’d never possessed before. It was confidence, the knowledge and the sincere belief that there wasn’t a thing in the world I couldn’t accomplish. I’d always known that I was bright. I’d always known that I could learn anything and get better marks in school than most, but I’d never been able to actually do anything. I’d never been given the chance to try. I’d honestly never thought to ask if I might try.

That night, Oliver and I went off by ourselves to the park after dark. I sat in front of him, leaned against his chest, and we looked at the stars.

“I want to learn to cook,” I told him.

“My mum can show you how. She’s a wonderful cook.”

“I’d like to learn to sew, too. I want to knit as well.”

“Mum can sew. I don’t know about knitting, but she has a sewing machine. She used to make us clothes when we were little, but she doesn’t do it anymore. She’d show you how to use it.” He paused, “Lance knits. For real. He’d teach you.”

“I want to make you dinner one night. Something fabulous. Something you love.”

“I have something I love.”

I felt my heart flutter. Had he just said he loved me? I didn’t ask. Instead I just turned my head toward him, “Someday,” I whispered, “I am going to make you so happy.”

“You do make me happy,” He whispered in reply and kissed my nose, “Every day.”

We sat there in that park for I don’t know how much longer. We sat there until the grass was soaked with dew and the moon was in the middle of the sky. It was very late when Alexander showed up and told us his parents wanted us inside immediately.

Ana was more than happy to show me how to cook and sew. I started coming down to Welshpool during the week when Oliver was working, absorbing all I could. I did better at the stove than the sewing machine. Ana and I had so much fun in that kitchen. We’d dig through her recipes and bake while she told me stories about how she learned to cook from her mum, aunties and Grandmother. It was amazing to me listening to her talk about her family. I thought big, happy families where people loved each other and passed down traditions existed only in storybooks. All of my grandparents had passed before I was even born. My step-gran had been the only one I’d known and she’d died when I was nine. My father had one brother that he rarely kept in touch with and I only had one cousin. I had been friends with him when we were little, but hadn’t seen him in donkey’s years. My mother had been an only child. Listening to Ana, it began to dawn on me how cold and empty my world had been until I’d met Ollie.

“We’ll have to take you to meet my mother,” Ana tapped her fingers against the page of a cookbook, “We need to pay her a visit soon. She’ll love you! She doesn’t live too far from your dad, actually. I’ll ring her up and see if she’s not too busy sometime before you go back to school. She’s seventy-two now and busier than she’s ever been since my dad passed away. I know she’d love to see the twins. She adores them.”

It actually freaked me out a little how included I was becoming in Oliver’s family. I realised that it was not just him I’d grown to love, but I loved them all. Ana was a lovely, sweet woman and the two of us had given each other something neither of us would ever have had. She gave me a mum love and I gave her a daughter's adoration. Her husband and I were developing a bond as well. You see, Eddie, like all men, enjoyed food above anything but sex, and he was thrilled when extra special things like pies, cakes, biscuits and breads were pouring out of his kitchen and on to his plate.

“You’re becoming quite the chef,” He told me one evening across the dinner table, “I love Italian. You’ll make an excellent wife one day.”

Oliver squeezed my knee under the table, but his mother said, “She’ll be more than a wife one day.”

“And she has lovely, excellent, huge, well-rounded...” Alexander began to speak, but trailed off, looking around the table for reaction. All eyes were upon him, expecting the worst. “Filthy minds, all of you!” He snapped, “I was going to say she has lovely, excellent, huge, well-rounded…” He cupped his hands in front of his chest, “Course backgrounds at comp to support her brains and talent, which will be excellent when she comes to her senses and marries me one day. Then she can cook and pay the bills both while I sit on my bum and play video games.”

“Keep dreaming, Little Brother,” Oliver told him as he reached for the milk, “Sil’s mine.”

“Damn it!” Alex ran a hand over his face, “Can’t you just let a man have his dreams?”

“In your case…no.”

I had to get my things together quickly after dinner that night in order to catch my train home. School was starting the day after next and I hadn’t even begun to organize. Oliver and I were heading out the door when he realised he’d forgotten his wallet in his room and dashed upstairs to retrieve it.

Eddie came out of the kitchen and saw me waiting by the door. He flashed a smile and asked, “Do you want to just move in, Silvia?” I wasn’t sure if he was serious or not. I stood in the entryway, blinking at him like a moron. He kept grinning kindly, “I know you can’t, but I think I’d like it if you did. I’ve never told you how fond I am of you, have I?”

“No, Sir, I don’t think you have.”

“Well, I am. You’ve become a real part of this family. I’m beginning to think of you as my own daughter. I can’t help it.” He paused and looked at me thoughtfully, “I’m hoping after you graduate you’ll move down so we can all be closer. Spend more time together, you know?”

“I’m planning on it,” It was impossible not to smile when Ed smiled and Ed was smiling at me. “Oliver and I have been talking about what we’re going to do after graduation.”

“Good,” He said firmly, “You’ll have to fill me in later. Now off with you! You’re going to miss your train!” But instead of wishing me a nice voyage as he normally did, he hugged me, and then kissed me on the cheek. I held him tight for longer than I needed to. I held on to him the way I’d always wished I could hold on to my own dad. When I finally let go of him, he held on to my hand. “Oliver!” He called his son, “Come on now, Boy! She’s going to be late!”

Oliver galloped down the stairs, “All right, I’ve got it! See you soon, Dad!” He pulled my hand from his father’s as if it were something that happened every day and took it into his own.

“Safe!” Ed said seriously as he closed the door behind us.

Oliver took me to my train. After a quick snogging, I went home as I always had to sooner or later. I got a taxi at the station and came into the house unnoticed. My father, per usual, was in his office working and my sister was sitting on the floor in the middle of the loo painting her toenails. I went into my bedroom and packed my bags for school, then lay on my bed and closed my eyes. I thought for a long time about the Dickinson’s and how blessed Ollie and Alex were to be born into such a family. How lucky they were to have had cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents, not to mention each other and two loving parents who always wanted to know where they were and what they were doing. They’d had all of that love their whole lives. I lie there and I cried thinking of all that warmth they’d gotten that I’d missed. All the hugs, all the kisses, the giggles and the jokes. Even the angry times when their father would shout and their mother would get so frustrated she’d make them stay in their rooms for hours seemed so wonderful to me. At least someone cared enough to be angry. My father never got angry.

I’d had none of that sort of love. It hurt to know it and it made me feel upset with my mother for dying and let down by my father for not seeing to it that I’d gotten it after she was gone. I was at home, in my own bed, crying my eyes out, and I knew no one was going to come and comfort me. I knew as well if I’d been in the bed in the extra room at Oliver’s that someone would have.

I made up my mind right then what I really wanted in my life. It was comfort of a home and a family. But more than that I wanted love. I wanted love to surround me. I wanted to swim in it. I wanted to hold it in my hand like heated sand and pour it through my fingers so it covered my feet. I wanted to taste it, I wanted to smell it. I wanted to wrap myself up in it like a blanket and stay safe and warm inside of it forever. And I wanted to give it. I wanted to drown people in it. I wanted to love with all my heart and be loved just as much in return.

And I knew I could have it, but I’d have to change. I’d have to let go of all the loneliness of my childhood. I’d have to focus on filling my world with love from that day on. It meant having to re-think every reaction, but I was going to make sure I had what I wanted. I’d learned that I could accomplish whatever thing I set my mind on and that anything was possible. I knew that love, pure and undiluted, could really exist.

I knew this because Ana and Eddie Dickinson had shown me that it was true.

That night, I swaddled myself in a jacket that Oliver had left in my room. I slept with my face buried in the lining where I could smell him and pretend that he was close. I knew he wasn’t really there, but the scent of his skin made me remember that even if he wasn’t in the room, he was real, and even if all I had of him for the moment was his jacket, I was still closer to love than I’d ever been before.