Текст книги "After Forever Ends "

Автор книги: Melodie Ramone

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Текущая страница: 34 (всего у книги 39 страниц)

Alex held tight to his brother, “But he is,” He whispered, a single teardrop fell from his eye. It clung to the dimple in his chin, “I wish he wasn’t, but he is. And, no, it isn’t right. There isn’t anything right about it. I hate this!” He hissed, “I fucking hate this!”

It was then that Lucy spotted Merlyn Pierce, who was standing against a far wall. We were all grateful to have a reason to walk away.

“How are you?” Merlyn hugged each of us in turn. We answered in generic terms, “You OK, Mate?” He directed the question to Oliver, who shrugged and looked at his feet.

“Just trying desperately not to snivel,” He didn’t look up. He tightened his face into a frown and closed his eyes, pinching back his tears.

The conversation ended quickly. People were gathering to listen to each other speak tributes to Lance. Alexander, Oliver, Lucy and I took seats in the second row of chairs with Merlyn and Penny behind us. Oliver held my hand as people clamoured up to speak of our old school chum. I knew my husband was thinking about anything he could instead of how his best friend’s body was lying in a casket not even thirty feet away. He stared at a beautiful spray of roses that Sandy had sent. They were yellow, pink, orange and blue. Happy colours that matched the ones Lance wore in his favourite scarf, the one we’d see him in every chance it was cold enough to wear it. I knew Sandy had done that on purpose. She had always been so thoughtful.

“…and I know my dad had loads of buds, too,” His daughter sniffed from the podium, “And some of his buds he’d kept since he was eleven years old. He told me a story about when his mum first brought him to Bennington, the school I attend now. He said he was afraid because he knew he would be smaller than the other boys and someone was bound to pick on him. And he was picked on, on his second day by an older boy. He said this boy was monstrous, had him by the jacket and he didn’t know what he was planning to do. But a set of twins came along and they started telling the boy off. This bully tried to hit one of them, but the other one jumped up on to his back. He held the boy down while the other twin pulled the boy’s pants so far up his bum that he cried. Daddy said he was never afraid again after that because he was never alone.”

I watched the memory of that wash over Oliver and Alexander. They exchanged bittersweet smiles. Merlyn put a hand on each of their backs. I hadn’t known that story, but it didn’t surprise me that it had happened.

When his daughter was done speaking, his wife asked if there was anything anyone else wanted to say. Alexander looked at Oliver, but Oliver immediately choked up and shook his head. “I can’t,” He said in a harsh whisper, “You do it.”

“I’d like to say something,” Alex called out.

“Please do!” Lance’s wife, Daneen, smiled sincerely, “Hello! Thank you so much for coming! Are you Alexander or Oliver? I can never tell.”

“I’m Oliver.” He waited a second, “Just joking. I am Alex.”

She laughed. “You do that to me every time!”

Alexander stepped up behind the podium. “I’m Alexander Dickinson. That there’s my brother, Oliver, if you couldn’t tell.” He pointed to us, “And his wife, Silvia, in the green dress. The pretty lady in the blue dress is my wife, Lucy. The other bloke’s Merlyn Pierce. We’ve all known Lance since we were little kids,” He shifted his weight from one foot to the other and then back again, “That’s a true story about what happened to Lance second day at Bennington. Mind, I did get hit a couple of times and so did Oliver, but somehow Ollie managed to get Sean Donnelly down to the ground and I didn’t know what to do, so I yanked his pants up to his ears,” Everyone laughed, “The band ripped. Poor guy. But I was happy to do it for Lance.”

“It was one of those things you don’t plan, how we got to be friends with Lance. There were too many first year boys at Bennington that year, so instead of two to a room, we got three. Poor Lance got tossed in with me and Ollie. Alphabet, yeah? Crosby, Dickinson, Dickinson. I remember Ollie and me, we were scared, too, but we had each other. Lance, he was all by himself. That first night my brother and I didn’t pay him much mind, we were putting stuff away and messing around, being cocky. Lance hardly said a word. I never thought about how scared he really must have been.”

“Next morning Ollie and me were trying to sort the way to class and we heard some codswallop happening on the other side of the wall. So off we go to take a look and there’s some big meatball of a kid picking on the bloke we shared a room with. Ollie starts after him by himself, says, ‘Leave ‘em alone, you…’ mind, I better not use the word he did. Anyway, we marched right over and picked a fight. We were eleven and we saved Lance from a third year, we did. But we did more than that. We landed him in detention with us, second day!”

Everyone laughed again, even Oliver. Alexander paused, scratched his cheek and continued, “And it wasn’t the last time, either! We got Lance into all kinds of mischief. We had him rubbing soap on windows, turning off the hot water on people in the showers. Sneaking in and rearranging the furniture in Professor Wilkins private quarters in the middle of the night so he’d wake up and be all disoriented. That was interesting.”

Oliver high fived Merlyn. Another ripple of laughter swept the room.

“We got Lance’s mum called for nicking candy a couple of times,” Alexander continued, “Poor Lance might have been better off without the likes of us, but we loved him. I loved him like he was another brother.”

He drew a deep, shaking breath, “Lance Crosby shared a room with Oliver and me for seven school terms. He was there for my wedding to Lucy and came down when Ollie’s and my kids were born. He was our best mate. But Lance Crosby was really everyone’s mate. He didn’t have a temper, never said a mean word. He knew what it felt like to be the little guy literally, but he never tried to make himself look bigger by making anyone else feel small. Instead he’d sit up all night talking about your problems. He never mentioned his own. I never met a person who didn’t like Lance. You’d have to be mental not to. He was the best bloke I ever met…” Alexander trailed off, “I could stand here forever and never run out of nice things to say about him. But all I can think right now is how I’m supposed to ring him on Wednesday because I’ll be in Caernarfon and we were supposed to meet for a pint. I was looking forward to it.” I could see Alexander choking back his tears, “And I know I’m not the only one that’s hurting, so I’m trying not to be selfish about how much I already miss him or about what I’d do to be able to sit with him and have that pint. Any one of us here would do the same for just one more hour with Lance. My brother, he can’t even talk right now and if you know my brother, that’s a rare event. And it’s a shame, too, because I know Oliver’d have given a much better speech than I am.”

Alexander glanced at the casket, “But Ollie did say something that made a lot of sense. He said that to him, Lance Crosby was never small. To Oliver, he was always very, very big. I have to say that if you knew him at all, you knew that was true. For his immense sense of humour and his fierce kindness, for his infinite honesty and his unwavering friendship and the fact that he was always there when you needed him…always, always there,” Alex trailed off again. He hung his head for a moment and then spoke, “For those things and many more, Lance was the biggest man I’ve ever known. We’ve all suffered a blow I don’t reckon we’ll ever be able to measure,” He glanced again at the casket, “Lancelot, my old friend, you will always be loved and missed. You were never small. You were a giant in our lives, Boyo. And that’s how Ollie and I’ll always remember you. As a giant. God bless you, Lance Crosby, and grant you a journey of mercies, wrapped safely in an angel’s wings.”

Alexander was unable to contain himself. He walked off the platform and straight out of the building to our car where he broke down and sobbed. Oliver and Merlyn followed and sat with him in silence. Lucy, Penny and I let them be.

Lance’s wife asked us later if we would accompany them to the cemetery for a private burial that afternoon. “Lance loved you all so much. You were the brothers and sisters he never had. It would mean so much if you came with our daughter and me. You’re the only other family he has.”

We put our good friend, our brother, Lance Crosby, in the ground that day. None of us could quite leave him behind. When Daneen and her daughter had gone, all of us Bennington kids stood dumbly and stared at the pile of dirt that was now the home of one of us. It was Lucy who began to cry first and when she went, I crumbled. Alexander and Oliver held us, rocking in silent convulsions while Penny did her best to comfort Merlyn.

“I can’t stay here,” Merlyn sobbed, “I have to walk away.”

We followed him to a corner of the cemetery near our cars and we all stood in a huddle. The tears flowed unashamed until not one of us could breathe. Finally, Alexander spoke, “Damn it!” He said, “I should be able to dial him right now and get him on the phone!”

Penny reached up and petted his hair like he was a little dog.

“He was so damned tall!” Merlyn blew his enormous nose, “I’m going to miss him!”

“We all will,” Oliver said, “It’s going to be different from here on.”

“I feel like we should do something,” I glanced around at each of them, “Something to honour him. He’d be so upset if he saw us all standing around bawling over him. We should do something to celebrate him.”

“I agree,” Lucy lay her head against Oliver’s arm. “But what?”

Alexander turned toward the gravesite. He stood there for a moment before he began to sing the Bennington song, “Oh, Bennington, Oh, Bennington, our home away from home…” softly at first, “We see your fields before us…” and then he began to belt it out at the top of his lungs, “Oh, Bennington, Oh, Bennington…our home away from home…We see your fields before us…”

“We sing of you in united chorus,” Oliver joined him. “Oh, Bennington, through your halls we pass…”

Suddenly, without any type of communication, the twins hooked arms and began a folk dance that we had all been forced to learn at school.

Merlyn blew his nose one more time and joined their dance. “Oh, Bennington, our home away from home!”

And as quickly as they had begun singing, they changed the words.

“So take your ties and shove them!” Alexander bellowed to the next part of the song, keeping true to the tune.

“We’ve had it with your black jackets, too!” Oliver roared.

“Oh, Bennington, oh, Bennington, to hell with you!” Merlyn sang at the top of his lungs.

They swung each other in circles, laughing and shouting.

“Oh, Bennington, where our parent’s sent us…Because no one would pay to rent us…Oh, Bennington is like the zoo!”

“Come on, Sil!” Oliver cried, his face pink with life, “Lucy, Penny! Have a dance for Lance!” He pulled me in by my arm. Penny, who didn’t even know the song or the steps to the dance, joined in.

“Oh, Bennington, oh Bennington,” Lucy’s voice was off key and shrill, “Long will we remember!”

“Oh, Bennington, oh, how can we forget?” Sang Merlyn.

“Your detentions and your curfew bells!” Yelled Alexander as he spun me in a circle.

“Your lousy pumpkin soup that I threw up all over the wall in the West Corridor!” Oliver offered.

Merlyn burst out laughing. “Yeah, that was bloody disgusting!” He spun his wife around. “How about the time we all got caught after curfew nicking apples and cakes out of the kitchen?”

“Lance was the only one who could fit through the service slot!” Alexander’s face was flushed, but he smiled brightly, “Remember how Ollie picked him up and stuffed him in headfirst?”

“And then he couldn’t get out so Alex reached in to pull him and his shoulders got lodged?”

They were laughing hysterically.

“Lance was tall enough! I don’t know why he thought he needed help! Boyo, wasn’t Professor Adkins completely bloody cheesed at us?” The three of them slapped their hands together in one giant high five, “Take the chorus, Silvia!” Oliver lifted me in the air and spun me around.

“Oh, Bennington, oh Bennington,” I cried, “Brothers and sisters in our hearts, oh, we shall never part…”

“Oh Bennington, where it smells like farts!” The Bennington boys rang out.

“Oh, Bennington, through your halls we pass…”

“Oh Bennington,” Oliver and Alexander shouted in unison, “You can kiss our arse!”

“Oh, Bennington, Oh Bennington, to hell with you!”

There we were, the six of us dancing a folk dance in the middle of a cemetery path, sing-shouting the Bennington song combined with lyrics the boys had made up as children so loudly our voices bounced off the stones. When we were through and breathless we stood around with our hands against our knees and laughed and fought to catch our breath.

“Good bye, Lance!” Penny called, “We’ll never forget you!”

“See you across the veil!” Oliver yelled.

“We love you, Lance!” Lucy and I hollered.

“You owe me money!” Merlyn shouted.

“Ah, forget him, Lance, give it to me!” Alexander bellowed.

And then, as people must, we hugged and kissed Merlyn and Penny goodbye and we went our separate ways home. We promised we’d get together soon.

The following autumn we got word from Merlyn’s daughter. He’d had a heart attack and was in intensive care. He was not faring for the better and Penny was not dealing well with the situation.

“Please,” Oliver asked her, “Let us know if there is anything that any of us can do, either for him or for your mother.”

She promised that she would call us again with any news.

We never heard another thing. Oliver and Alexander tried to phone his mobile several times, but they got Merlyn’s voice mail until the answering message said simply that the mailbox was full. No one ever answered his home phone. Finally, Alex rang the mobile again and it was disconnected, as was the home phone when he tried that one last time. After that, the twins drove over to England and took the ferry over to France. When they got to his town, Merlyn’s home was vacant. There was no place of employment to check as Merlyn was self-employed and operated his business from his house, using his mobile as his contact number. We could never track down an obituary and we did not know his daughter’s married name to look her up. Merlyn’s three older sisters lived in France, but we had no idea of where or of what their married names were. Penny seemed to just disappear off the planet without a trace.

Losing Merlyn like that was worse for the twins than when Lance left them. They were forced to wait, hoping for some information on what had happened to their other brother. Eventually, they gave up and accepted that he had died. It was the only explanation that made sense as to why they never heard from him again. Had he lived, there was no way that Merlyn Pierce would ever have abandoned them. It defied his character.

We thought and spoke of him often. Oliver and Alexander would go to the church and light a prayer candle for him once a week. It was never the same knowing we never had Merlyn or Lance to laugh with ever again.

“I just would have liked to have known what happened,” Oliver said softly months later as we sat with Alex and Lucy in the garden, “We grew up together. I think it’s very rude-like that no one ever gave us the chance to say goodbye to him.”

I put my arm around him and said nothing, but he knew I agreed.

Alex nodded. “We loved him. He was our family, too. It’s not fair.”

“He loved you two as well,” Lucy rubbed her husband’s shoulder, “He’d be right brassed off if he knew no one called you and let you know.”

“I know he would be. We just wish we knew what happened to him. I mean, I know he’s gone. He has to be, unless he’s some vegetable in hospital somewhere. Even then, he’s gone.”

“And then again,” Oliver sighed, “I don’t suppose it would be any comfort, really, to find out either way. It would only be a hint of closure.”

I thought about that for a moment. “Closure would be nice, though, wouldn’t it? We’ve cried and worried and been sick and sad about him. I think we all need to find a way to say goodbye. I mean, at least I do.”

Oliver stood straight up from the ground and walked into the cabin so quickly no one had time to ask him what he was up to. A few minutes later he came out with a hat in his hand.

“You have Merlyn’s hat?” Alexander recognized the beret, “How in the world did you wind up with that in your possession?”

“Remember when the three of us sat in the car after your speech at Lance’s funeral? He left it. I never saw him again to return it,” Oliver looked at it fondly. “I was supposed to send it by post, but I put it up and forgot.”

“Let’s bury it!” Alex was on his feet. “Right here. Right now. Let’s have our own fucking funeral!”

“Yes, let’s!” Oliver grinned. “Screw them for not inviting us to theirs! Who needs them? We’ll do them one better! We’ll give him a send-off!”

We took turns digging a hole at the edge of the garden not far from where we had laid Duncan to rest. Each of us held the hat and said something as a tribute to Merlyn.

“Merlyn was…oh, God…so many things,” Ollie laughed, “He was a good man. A loyal friend. He was a laugh when you needed one. He could be such a dumb shit, but right when you required someone to cheat off of, he knew every answer on the test.”

“That’s because he was cheating off of Sandra Ashby,” Alexander said knowingly, “She always let him. Or he’d nick Silvia’s notes. But he was clever about flashing hand signals, yeah?”

“He’d tap his ear for the question number, then one finger for A, two fingers for B…”

“You boys were lucky you weren’t expelled!” I told them.

They both looked at me like I was mad.

“What I remember most is his laugh,” Lucy said through tears, “Remember how when you’d get him going he’d make no sound at all?”

“Or he’d sit there slapping his knees hissing like a snake,” I added. “Remember how he’d always blame his farts on someone else? He took no responsibility ever in all the years I knew him!”

Alexander smiled, “God, Merlyn! Yeah, he farted a lot and it was always someone else according to him. He was always good for a laugh. Where to begin with what I remember about him? He was a wonderful singer. What a clown!”

“He was a right decent kid,” Oliver said seriously, “And a good man. That’s what I remember most. His goodness and his decency.”

“I can’t talk about what I remember most about Merlyn,” Alexander sniggered. “I promised him I never would.”

Oliver laughed out loud, “Oh, right! Yeah, I promised him, too!”

“I don’t think I want to know,” I said.

“No, believe us, you don’t!” The twins spoke at the same time and laughed even harder.

Oliver knelt and laid the hat into the hole we’d dug in the earth. He stood and we were all silent, staring at it.

“I can’t believe he’s gone,” I whispered.

“Should we sing the Bennington song?” Lucy asked after a moment.

“No,” Alex looked thoughtful, “But I do think we should sing. Merlyn loved to sing.”

“No one could do Cats quite like Merlyn.” I said.

“Real, live cats couldn’t do Cats like Merlyn,” Oliver muttered, then added, “Real, live cats on fire couldn’t do Cats quite like Merlyn.”

“The hair on the back on my neck is still standing,” Alex admitted.

“My ears still ache,” Lucy sniffed, but she grinned. “Maybe we should sing Tom Jones?”

“Nah, Doesn’t seem right.” Alexander mumbled.

“What was his favourite song? His all-time favourite?”

“Moving forward using all my breath,” Oliver began to sing ‘I Melt With You’, “Making love to you was never second best…”

Alex joined him, “I saw the world thrashing all around your face, never knowing it was always mesh and lace…”

“I’ll stop the world and melt with you, Merlyn Pierce!” I joined them in the chorus. “You see the difference and it’s getting better all the time!”

“There’s nothing you and I won’t do, Merlyn Pierce!” Lucy joined our voices. “I’ll stop the world and melt with you!”

And then we were all singing the famous Modern English song loudly, if slightly off key.

“Dream of better lives the kind that never hate, dropped in a state of imaginary grace,” We joined hands, “Making a pilgrimage to save this human race, what I’m comprehending is a race that’s long gone bye…I’ll stop the world and melt with you, Merlyn Pierce! You see the difference and it’s getting better all the time! There’s nothing you and I won’t do, Merlyn Pierce! I’ll stop the world and melt with you!”

We did the “mmmm mmmm mmmms” as we covered the hat with earth. Alexander patted it flat when the hole was filled.

“I’ll stop the world and melt with you, Merlyn Pierce! You see the difference and it’s getting better all the time! There’s nothing you and I won’t do, Merlyn Pierce! I’ll stop the world and melt with you!”

We stopped singing and stood again in silence. The sun had set and the moon was rising. It was nearly full, obscured by the tops of the trees.

“Good bye, Merlyn, Boyo.” Alexander was watching the sky as well, “I miss you. Go to that big old moon and eat cheese. Lots of cheese. It can’t hurt you now. Don’t have to worry about cholesterol or your heart. Or your weight. Mangez des frommages, Mate! Maybe you’ll stumble upon Elvis there and you can show him how to sing.”

“Yeah,” Oliver grinned, “May your heaven be filled with cheese and stages and spotlights and people who can appreciate your particular brand of original vocal styling.”

“Go find Lance and wait for us, Merlyn,” I said softly, “When we all get together again we can sit around and laugh like we used to. We’ll go on day trips and haunt the halls of Bennington!”

“Please be well again,” Lucy, always the sensitive one, wiped her eyes, “Just be healthy and strong again, wherever you are.”

Burying Merlyn’s hat seemed to heal my husband and his brother to a certain extent. I would see Oliver from time to time go out to the spot and stand for a moment. He’d speak to the winds and I knew he was sending Merlyn a message.

It was still hard for them not knowing what had happened, but after a time the pain faded into sweet memories of a treasured friend. We never did find out how Merlyn crossed the veil, but I don’t suppose in the end it really mattered how he passed.

He did, as we all do.

In our time.