Текст книги "Beautiful Storm"
Автор книги: Megan Isaacs
сообщить о нарушении
Текущая страница: 19 (всего у книги 21 страниц)
THE SOUND OF Noah’s deep voice resonates in my dreams. His scent surrounds me, floats in the air and wraps me in comfort. My eyes flicker open when the bed sinks next to me. My heart splutters when my vision clears. It’s Alex, not Noah.
“Hey.” His soft voice is relaxed.
“Hey.” I’m groggy from the anaesthetic, but my whole body tenses with the question on the tip of my tongue. “Is Kai safe? They don’t have him, do they?”
“He’s fine, sweetheart. He’s with Layla, where he’s been all along. Bear has a team running security as a precaution, but the danger has passed.”
Relief sweeps through me. My little boy’s safe and secure. I lay my head back on the pillow and close my eyes as I fight the emotions bubbling in me.
“I’m sorry you had to find out that way about… well… everything.”
My eyelids fly open. “Sorry?” My pulse surges and the monitor gives away the temper rising in me.
“Lizzie, calm down.” Standing up, he rubs his neck.
The beeps get faster.
He lowers his arms and faces his palms to me. “Just… Stop.”
“What are you doing here?” I look around him to the door, and a biting pain shoots down my arm, making me gasp for breath. “Where’s Noah?”
“Way to make a guy feel special.” He laughs but his face shows no light. “He’s not here, sweetheart.”
The concern on his face makes my insides twist. This is my friend Alex. The one who’s been by my side for the last three years. Gentle eyes, which won’t quite meet mine, a sad smile, which doesn’t make it to his eyes, graces his face. My whole body shudders with cold even though I’m under a layer of blankets.
“Is… is he…?” My heart falters with my words.
He places a reassuring hand on my forearm. “He’s alive, don’t worry. How are you keeping up?”
The relief which sweeps through me is indescribable, yet there’s something in Alex’s expression that won’t let the relief take away the ache in my heart.
“Where is he?” I crane my neck around him to see if I can find Noah.
“I’m not sure.” He eyes me for a second. “He left.”
“Left?”
Alex nods and drops his gaze. “As soon as you came out of the operating theatre he came in to see you. When he came out, he said he needed to leave.”
My chest constricts, making it difficult for me to get in any air. My vision fogs over.
“You need to calm down, Lizzie.”
“Was he injured? I need to see him. I need to tell him I love him. I need to know he’s okay.”
Again Alex runs his hand around the back of his neck. “He had a couple of flesh wounds, nothing major. He didn’t even get treatment before he left.”
His words release some pressure from my chest. Noah’s fine. So why isn’t he here?
“I think he just needs to let off some steam. This must be tough for him to deal with, and you know Noah.” He blows out a breath and his gaze goes to the wall behind my head.
Tears well in my eyes. I do know him. The knowledge he’s related in some way to Mac would have been enough to make him wild. He’ll worry he let me down. He’ll worry he isn’t good enough, when the truth is there’s never been a man more right in this world. But he doesn’t know that, because I wouldn’t hear him out when he needed me to the most. It was me who let him down. The things I said to him… Oh, God.
My bottom lip begins to tremble and Alex places his hand on my forearm. “It’ll be okay, sweetheart.”
The voice that has been my protection for years soothes my breaths, but hurt wells in my stomach, along with anger and I turn on Alex. “What were you even doing there?”
He pulls his hand from my arm and sits a little straighter. “You know I worked for you,” he begins. He sucks on the inside of his cheek and glances away from me.
“Of course. It’s how I met you.”
“Do you know who owns Pegasus?”
“No, should I?”
He laughs. “Well, it would make all this easier on me but, no, I just wondered.”
Putting his elbow on his knees, he drops his head into his hands and scrubs his face. “Okay. Bear owns Pegasus.”
I try and let what he’s telling me sink in. Bear runs Pegasus. Alex worked for Bear? Bear’s Noah’s best friend.
“When you hooked up with Noah that first night and left the club with him, I warned you away. But you being the strong-headed pain in my arse you are went with him anyway.”
“I remember.” How could I forget? I’d never want to.
“I thought it would be best to keep you away, but Bear thought it would be a one night thing. He thought Noah would fu—sleep with you, get the need out of his system and that would be it.” He gives me a tight smile. “To be honest, I thought the same. Until Noah took you to his home. He never did something like that. I knew then we were fucked, because he must have felt something for you, even that early on. Then you fell in love with him, and all I could do was help you cover up your tracks with Mac. I failed big time on that one.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“Yeah, well, it still felt like it. Anyway, I… um… never stopped working for Pegasus.”
“What?” The last three years of my life become a lie in a matter of seconds.
“It’s not what you’re thinking. Stop looking at me like that.” His expression turns sorrowful.
“I thought you were my friend. Not being paid to babysit me.”
“I am your friend. You know I am.”
“Did Noah know? Did he know where I was the whole time? Was it him paying you?” My voice rises with the fear that he knew and never came.
“Fuck no. He had no clue. We weren’t that stupid. I told you when we left that Noah loved you and you couldn’t possibly have said anything to him to stop that. He would’ve killed Mac. He couldn’t know what happened, because we know Noah. We know what he’s capable of. He’d be locked up in maximum security by now. Killing an enemy as part of his job is not the same as him offing a celebrity. Protecting you, avenging what happened to you, would have been his only option. The government wouldn’t have stepped in if he lost his shit like that; he’s retired. None of us wanted him to go down. That’s why I kept you away till Mac was gone.”
“Why did you never tell me?”
“Because you needed me as a friend. In doing what I did, I lied to one of my friends and my cousin.”
“What do you mean?”
“Do you honestly think if I’d told Bear you were pregnant he wouldn’t have told Noah? He only found out when you returned. He was angry anyway because you hadn’t been protected under his watch. Noah was—is his best friend. And Noah didn’t know Bear ran Mac’s internal security. He couldn’t know. This op has been going on since I started working for you. He did what he had to do to protect him, and I did the same with you.”
“So you kept it from them?”
“Of course I did. Bear was living with the fact he knew you were being used as a punching bag but couldn’t tell Noah a damn thing. He thought he could fix everything. Plus, like I said already, Noah would flip the fuck out. I’d been brought in six months before you even met Noah for this op and to try and run interference, but I couldn’t be there 24/7. It’s like he knew I was watching out for you. The attacks seemed to happen when I wasn’t on shift. I couldn’t stop it. Bear was powerless. He hated it. I know the feeling. The other men on the payroll weren’t close enough for Bear to instruct the way he did me. They were from an agency, brought in by Mac’s management. He didn’t trust them at all. Bear only ran the systems, but he requested to have a man put inside. That was me. He wanted me to protect you but look like I was on Mac’s security and keep my eyes on our objective.”
I’d often wondered why when Mac went on tour Alex always stayed by my side. I’d never thought to ask him because he was such a comfort to me.
I let the information whirl around in my mind. It’s hard to take it all in. And as much in the dark as I was kept, thinking of what Noah is dealing with makes me cringe. His best friend kept the reality from him. It’s going to tear him apart.
We sit in silence and images of the events that led to me being here play in my mind. I need to know the answer to something. “Is what he said true?”
Alex scrunches his face as he thinks about the question. “About him not loving you?”
“No. That’s the biggest pile of crap he’s ever come out with. It hurt to hear him say those things to me. Really hurt.” I drop my gaze away from him and fidget with the cover, rubbing it between my fingers. For a few moments Noah’s painful words pierce my heart again. I let the words tumble in my head until the ones I need to hear replay, then I look back to Alex. “But he made it obvious he was lying,” I point out.
Alex’s brows furrow. “What do you mean?”
“He said something about going out with the lads. But he hasn’t. He’d been with me and Kai since we came back into his life. He lied.”
“Sneaky bastard.” Alex laughs. “I was waiting around the corner when he said all that. The bastard nearly had me convinced even though I know he loves you. And look at you… your acting skills were amazing.”
“I wasn’t acting. I was angry as hell with him. But after that, I picked up on what he was doing. Well? The job. Was it true?”
He looks puzzled for a second before the penny finally drops. “You mean the last mission he went on?”
“Yes.”
“Um, yeah.” He uncomfortably rubs his nape. “That’s all true.”
“Why would he do that?”
His face softens as he begins to speak. “When men like us hand over our hearts it’s for a lifetime, sweetheart. It’s not an infatuation that will die when your wrinkles start to show, or if you put on some weight. The love won’t disappear with time. We’re passionate by nature. It’s forever. Mix that with a shit tonne of alcohol and depression and you may get somewhere close to where Noah’s state of mind was at that time.” He places his hands over mine to stop them from moving. “It may be hard to hear but if he hadn’t gone on that job he probably would have killed himself anyway, just with alcohol. In a way, it was his wake-up call. He pulled himself together after that.”
Tears run down my face. Images of a broken Noah flood my mind. That’s something I caused.
“Can you tell me anything about the sort of jobs he went on?”
Alex laughs and pulls away. “You want to know how he could kill someone, right?”
“It confuses me, to be honest.” He’s so gentle with me, with Kai. I wipe the tears away. I need to be stronger. I have to understand in order to fix the damage I caused.
“You know he took guys down today, don’t you? If Jase hadn’t stepped in, Noah would have happily killed his own biological father. It’s what he’s trained to do.”
My stomach clenches at the thought. “I suppose I’m a little unclear on the details.”
“Okay. Let me get this straight with you. I’ll simplify it. I’m guessing Noah never talked about this with you?”
I shake my head. “He tried to make me understand but—”
“You wouldn’t hear him out?” he offers.
Again, I shake my head. Shame for being so judgemental of something I knew nothing about heats my face. It took me a while to calm down, see I was being unreasonable and close-minded, but I had wanted to talk to him about it all. I sent him a text to say so. A little while after… they took me.
“Okay, Liz, simple version. He killed bad guys. He got paid very well for it, but risked a lot at the same time. He was deniable. Do you know what that means?”
“No. Not really.”
“It means if he got captured he was on his own. No one would come to his rescue. No government will jump in to save him. No one will admit he belongs to them. He would be left to either die, be tortured then killed, or be turned.”
My stomach twists and knots at the thought. People actually do these things through choice?
Alex continues. “The unit he worked for is called The Underdogs. Noah pulled out just before he set up the workshop. Bear also retired, but set up Pegasus. However, Bear still ran a team of special ops for the Dogs alongside his standard security.” Alex stands up and begins to pace. I fight a tiny smile. These boys are all so alike when agitated they could all be carbon copies of the other. Funny I never noticed before now.
He turns his gaze on me. “You following so far?”
“Just about.” The only sense I can really make from it all is I now understand Noah’s tattoo.
“Good. Okay. And I’m only sharing this with you because you’ve been through a lot. So, Noah begged Bear for that job, and he had to jump through fucking hoops to get Bear to let him go. I guess he just wanted to stop feeling anything. When Noah went silent, Bear moved heaven and fucking earth to get to him. We reckon if it had been ten minutes later when the lads arrived, Noah wouldn’t have been alive. You have no idea how bad things got for him. Got to admit, he’s a hard bastard to kill, though.” He laughs a little, but without much humour. “That last job he went on, he still took down his target before…” Alex trails off and sits back down.
I really want to know what happened to Noah, but at the same time, I don’t. I’m unsure I could deal with the details. The nightmare he had and the newer scars on his body tell the tale without words. For now, that’s enough.
“He hasn’t done anything like it since, until yesterday. Except Noah didn’t know we were working on a takedown op. He knew nothing except they had you. He decided to go after you on his own. Bear had been investigating Archie for a while and suspected he would try to pull Noah back in for some big op, but he wasn’t sure. There was no reason to tell him until he had something concrete. Then it was too late because unfortunately, we hadn’t factored in how stupid Archie was. Taking you was fucked up, unexpected and a harsh blow for Bear. When he was sure it was Archie who took you, he had to move quickly to get the team together so we could assist Noah in a way that wouldn’t tip Archie off. He knew whatever Archie had planned was about to blow up.”
He rubs his hands down his thighs. “Anyway, someone up the command chain was highly pissed that Archie was dealing with the bad guys, knew he had bigger plans. The Dogs have always been the good guys. They were used to run covert ops worldwide. That includes taking down things like child prostitution and human trafficking, amongst other things. Anything bad they were sent in to clean up. That was always our mission. But Archie was getting in bed with these lowlifes instead. That’s not how The Dogs operate. Never has been”
I let Alex continue because I’m struggling to take in all the information.
“If you want to know how Noah can take someone’s life, if you want to know how to resolve who he is to what you thought he was, then look at your son. Because I’m telling you now, the type of men he removed from this earth wouldn’t think twice about selling, torturing, or doing all kinds of sick shit to that little boy, or any other human, for a little bit of money.”
I fight the bile rising in my throat at Alex’s words. But the man Noah is becomes clearer. He’s not different. His past profession doesn’t change him. He’s a good person. A solider who protected those unable to defend themselves. He’s still who he’s always been. Just Noah.
The information is starting to sink in. “You knew all this and never told me?”
“What would I have said? Plus you’d never have believed me.”
I ponder that thought for a minute and decide he’s right. Unless Noah told me in detail, or I had seen it with my own eyes, I would never believe something like this is even possible. And I’m ashamed the courtesy I’m currently giving Alex wasn’t given to Noah when he tried to explain. “You’re right.” I stifle a yawn.
“I better let you get some rest. This must be a lot for you to take in.”
“I needed to know, Alex.”
He nods. “Yeah, I know.” He stands up and gives my hand a squeeze then walks towards the door.
“Alex?”
He turns back around. “You don’t need to ask. I’m on it as soon as I leave here.”
“Am I that easy to read?”
“Yeah.” A smile engulfs his face then sobers. “Don’t get your hopes up, though, okay? He loves you. But we all know he has stupid-arse ways of dealing with shit.”
As Alex leaves, I turn my head on my pillow and bury my face, letting the torrent of tears fall. I long to hold my son in my arms and let the feel of his little heartbeat heal the hurt in mine, like it has so many times over the years. Fear for Noah and shame for my part in the pain he’s dealing with grips me, along with a selfish fear for myself. Because if Noah left me here without speaking to me, it means he won’t be coming back.
THE ENGINE OF the car ticks over, vibrating my legs; I’m not brave enough to turn it off yet. I borrowed Noah’s Mustang as I’ve been staying at his place since I was discharged. Boo hasn’t left my side and did me the favour of staying with Kai. I stare out the window at Ignition and try and convince myself I’m doing what is best. In his stubborn mind this is Noah’s way of looking after me and Kai. I’m sure of it. He loves fiercely and the love he holds for us can’t have disappeared. Since he refused to talk with Alex, and won’t answer his phone, I figure I’ll try to find him where he feels most at home. If they’d released me sooner, this could all be over with already.
In my restless sleep at the hospital, for weeks I imagined him sitting on the side of the bed, running his fingers through my hair, his deep voice soothing my nightmares. But when my brain woke enough for my eyes to focus, he was never there. Although my body was still very much convinced he was. The last few days since being discharged, I do know it’s been him keeping watch outside the house in the early hours of the morning. It’s his bike, his helmet. And those thighs could not be mistaken anywhere. But whenever I open the door and peer down the drive, the only thing remaining is the whine of the engine in the distance. I’ve rested and feel like my old self; I’m ready to try and win him back.
I sigh and turn off the car, giving myself a pep talk at the same time, because knowing Noah he’s not going to make this easy. If he’s even here.
He’ll hurt me to protect me. But I love him enough to deal with his crap. Enough is enough though. We need him home.
I push open the small entrance in the roller door. It clangs shut and Spud pokes out from under a car he’s working on, slides out on the trolley, and gets to his feet.
“Is he here?” I blurt the words out in a nervous rush.
Spud shakes his head. His face taut, and dark shadows line his eyes. “No, Lizzie. He isn’t.”
“Do you know where he is? I need to see him.”
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.” He grabs a rag off his toolbox and wipes his grease-covered hands.
“What do you mean?” My mind races with all the possibilities and I shift anxiously on my feet.
His shoulders rise and fall before he answers. “He’s a mess. Torturing himself. He locks himself away in the gym and spends hours, and I mean hours, working out. I don’t know how his body’s still functioning.” He shakes his head sadly. “And I’m not sure how he’ll react to seeing you.”
Pain spikes in my chest at his words. “Is he drinking?” It’s a stupid question. I’d checked at Macy’s first before coming here. It worried me not to find him there. But then again, it’s not the first time I’ve underestimated him.
Spud stares at me like he’s contemplating not telling me the answer, and my stomach roils.
“He drank for a few weeks solid, but never left his office, apart from going to the toilet and I even think he managed the odd shower here and there.” He lets out a sad chuckle. “Then he just stopped and hit the gym instead. He’s not talking to anyone, not even Cait. He lives and sleeps here. For the few hours he’s not in the gym he gets his hands dirty, makes a phone call, and sorts the paperwork.”
My ears prick. “What call?” I want to know what’s so important he makes a call every day, but won’t come anywhere near me, or Kai.
Spud gives me the same look again but sighs, flings the rag onto the floor, and shoves his hands into his pockets. “Every day he phones Bear. He asks how you are, how Kai is, and that’s it. Bear’s tried talking to him but Noah just won’t hold a conversation, won’t even attempt to answer his questions. I’m not sure how they’ll fix this thing between them, or even if they can.”
Staring thoughtfully at him, I let the words sink in. Every day he phones to check on me and Kai? My heart falters. He’s still making sure we’re safe. I knew that was him passing by the house.
“Has he told you what happened?”
“Nah. I’ve already told you, he isn’t speaking to anyone. I keep hoping he’ll snap out of it, like the drinking, but… I know enough; Bear filled me in.”
I nod my head, grateful I don’t need to go over old ground. “So, where is he now?” My skin prickles and the air around me charges.
“He’s…” Spud’s gaze fixes behind me.
Without his giveaway, I sense Noah walk in before he even utters a word.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” His voice sounds pained, hoarse and scratchy from lack of use, and displeasure drips from every syllable.
Spud rolls his eyes. “I guess you have the answer.” He walks past me and squeezes my shoulder. “Good luck.”
I hear him say, “Play nice,” then the slam of the small door and the rattle of the roller let me know he’s left.
My heart rate picks up, and my breaths become a little shallower as a tremor of anticipation runs through me. I haven’t seen his impossibly handsome face in weeks and it may as well be two lifetimes, because nothing prepares me for what I’m confronted by when I turn around.
His skin’s grey, cheeks sunken, and dark circles cast shadows under his eyes. The scruff on his jaw is longer than I have ever seen it, almost a full beard. As I scan further down his body, I take in his T-shirt, strung so tight over his chest and biceps it’s close to splitting. His jeans hang from his hips but the fabric strains against his thighs. Anger radiates off him. But he’s still stunning and my body lurches into hyperaware, full of need at the sight of him.
“Did you come to get laid? Get your kit off then, love.” His rubs his crotch and leers at me. I know what he’s trying to do, but it still angers me. “I could use a little release right now. Hmm, and you could have brought your mouthy friend with you; my cock down her throat would teach her to keep quiet.”
Shocked, I glare at him, unsure how to handle him in this state of mind. Spud’s forewarning ricochets around my mind, and with a small sigh of relief realise I’m not intimidated by him. I never have been. And I knew he would push me away. His gaze bores into mine and something shifts behind the darkness.
“Well, if you haven’t come for my cock then you can fuck off.” A cruel laugh bursts out of him, much like the menacing one he gave to Archie.
Noah’s words sting as each one hits home. If I didn’t know him better I’d believe every word spoken.
But I don’t.
His muscles are rigid yet fluid at the same time, his choice of words calculated, yet they pour out of him with ease. Every look, every laugh, every sneer developed and deployed with accuracy. Every part of the infuriating man seems to be under control. Except one.
His eyes.
He thinks the colour of my eyes resemble a storm. But his? They are like autumn leaves. The beautiful ones as the summer weather turns and they glow golden on the trees before they fall to earth to turn into an autumn brown. But now his eyes are as dark as the leaves weathered by the rain, mulched into mush. His eyes are black.
Anger wells inside me, but deep down I know he’s lying, so I try to focus on that. The only way to win this, to win him, is to play him at his own game. He thinks being a bastard will drive me away, so I turn the tables. Because if he thinks I’m walking away without a fight, then he’s wrong. And I can play just as dirty. Crossing my arms over my front, I reach for the hem of my top, and I pull it up over my head, revealing myself to him. My arm twinges with the motion. But it’s overridden by the intense desire flooding my body.
“I’ve missed you inside me, Noah.”
His eyes widen and the sudden rise in his chest tells me he wasn’t expecting my consent. As I scan over him, the impressive bulge in his jeans grows bigger, but he makes no move towards me.
I’m well aware my nipples are straining against the fabric of my bra and the clench down below at the sight before me is doing nothing to tame them.
“I need you.” I take a step closer and his eyes lighten a fraction. He swallows deep then gives a disbelieving shake of his head as the corner of his lips curl in a lopsided half-hearted sneer.
On the inside, I’m shaken, unsure I’m doing the right thing. It could push him further away instead of drawing him out. Second-guessing my counter move is going to get me nowhere. I made my decision and now I have to follow through.
His dark gaze roams over every crevice of my exposed skin. His whole body quivers, his jaw tics and the muscles corded in his arms undulate with every movement from his flexed fists. It’s clear he’s fighting me and it relaxes me a little. His whole body screams for my touch, for my hands to trail over his skin, for my fingers to tighten around his thick shaft rearing against its confines. The only way I can see to break his barrier is to push forward and do what we both desperately need. I step closer and place a hand on his broad, heaving chest as his wary eyes watch every move I make.
“Don’t.” He reaches up and clasps his hand over mine to stop it from moving, but doesn’t pull it away. “Please, angel.” His eyelids clamp down but when they reopen his eyes are molten honey and they take my breath away. “I’m not what you need.” He closes his eyes again and takes a shaky breath. “Do you know what I thought when I saw you gagged and bound? Do you know what went through my mind?”
He tilts his head but I remain silent. “How hot you looked. How I wanted to fuck you like that, while you were scared and vulnerable. I wondered how your trembling body would feel under my fingers, and with my cock buried deep inside you.” When he opens them, the lava is replaced with ice. “Why would you want a man who thought of fucking you when you were terrified?”
Every word he utters is designed to drive me away, make me hate him. But the cracks in the ice already begin to show, the heat behind them melts the false front he’s trying to hold on to.
“Because the man I want wouldn’t dream of doing those things.” Tilting my head, I half smile at him. “Well, he would, just not in that particular situation. And I’m more than willing to try anything once, as long as it’s with him.” Stepping in close enough to feel the heat radiate from his body, I keep my gaze locked on his, and brush the fingers of my free hand against his jaw. The overlong scruff sends electric bolts through my fingertips. “The man I want would give up his own life to protect what’s his.” Standing on my tiptoes, I graze my lips against his. He shudders against me, his resolve close to breaking down. “The man I want fucks me senseless with his words, and his body, knowing full well everything I am belongs to him.” His eyes flare. “From the first time he laid his hands on me, he’s owned me inside and out. So, Noah, are you that man?”
His fingers weave into my hair, and the rough tug ignites a deep throb right where I need him. Right now he’s raw, vulnerable, and a flight risk. The way he searches my face gives him away. He looks for a glimmer of doubt, any sign of a lie, anything that gives him reason to turn round and walk.
“I have the blood of an animal, a monster inside of me.” His gaze burns into mine, the dare clear in his eyes.
Keep pushing, Noah.
“No, you have the blood of a fighter, a survivor. You’re not going to succeed, you know. I’m not leaving without what I came here for.”
He dips his head to my neck and runs his nose along the delicate skin, and the intake of air he takes as he breathes me in sets me alight. “My brother tried to rape you.” His hot breath caresses my ear and sends a shudder through my body, but I suck in air at his callous words. It’s a low blow, but he’s attempting his final assault. The last thing that would drive me away. But he’s nothing like Mac.
“You’ve only ever loved me. This here, your words, driving me away, you’re protecting me.” It’s time for me to strike back. “We have a son. Is he a monster?” I shudder inside as I say the words. I’m not one for using our son in any argument, but here and now, I have no choice. Kai can smash this barrier Noah’s built between us if I’m to gain my family back.
His face contorts, the hand in my hair releases, and he pulls away leaving me bereft of his heat. My words are harsh but he needs to understand he’s no animal, no monster. He’s fighting demons that don’t exist in him. He turns away from me and clasps his hands behind his head.
“He’s a little boy. Not a monster.” His words are whispered.
“But he has your blood in his veins; from what you’re saying that would make him one.”
He spins around, hands clenched at his sides. “No. It doesn’t.”
The anger on his face makes me take a step back, but if I give up now I’ll lose him forever.
“By your own words it does. Your whole argument is either valid and covers our son, or it’s not and it doesn’t. If it’s invalid for Kai then how in the hell can you judge yourself by an argument you refuse to accept for our son? He has your blood in his veins.”
He starts to pace, taking one angry step after another. His arguments hold no weight and he knows it. Though he may have some darkness in his blood, it doesn’t own him, doesn’t define the man he is. I keep my eyes on him and watch as he tears himself apart. His internal battle subsides and his shoulders drop as all fight leaves him.
He collapses down onto a large toolbox, his head falls into his hands, and his fingers claw into his scalp. I get down on my hands and knees and crawl over to him, settling myself between his legs.
“What if I hurt you? What if I hurt Kai?” The sadness in his tone squeezes my heart to the breaking point.
“You never would. Stop doing this to yourself.”
“I can’t be certain. What if I’m like them? Wha–”
“You aren’t,” I interrupt.
But he continues. “What if more people like Archie come for us? You will always be at risk if you are in my life. Kai will be at risk. I can’t control that.” The true reasons behind his behaviour start to come out. The reason he’s shut himself away, why he wouldn’t see me, why he wouldn’t come home.