Текст книги "Under Locke"

Автор книги: Mariana Zapata

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Текущая страница: 22 (всего у книги 30 страниц)

"Hell if I know. Nothin' good if he's callin' me. I'll call Lisa or Marie while you swim and see if they know."

Lisa and Marie... why hadn't I thought of that before? "Was your mom an Elvis fan or did she come up with the names on her own?"

Dex locked at me for a moment before chuckling. "Pa wouldn't let her name 'em Priscilla or Lisa Marie so she screwed him like that."

From the little I knew about her, and the significant amount I did know her son, that didn't surprise me one bit. "And you?"

"Named after my great grandpa, C.D. Dyson."

I lifted both my eyebrows. "Fancy. Can I call you C.D.?"

He shook his head. The corners of his eyes tilted up in that mocking little smile that didn't always reach his serious mouth. "Nah. I like you callin' me Charlie."

This friggin' guy.

I'd call him Princess Dex if he wanted me to.

He pulled back and smiled with his mouth that time, twisting me into knots with each millimeter it grew. "You ready?"

"One sec." I flashed him a little smile and darted into the living room, grabbing my stuff for the day.

He waited for me by the door, waving me out of the house and locking the door afterward. With a cool smile, he helped me onto his bike and dropped me off at the front of the center. Dex thread his fingers through mine and bit my knuckles before shooing me inside and taking off after I'd gotten in the building.

I swam and just let myself relax. I wasn't going to worry about whatever precarious relationship I found myself in with Dex, what Sonny would say when I finally called after avoiding him for two days, any of the mess with the Reapers, or who else my dad owed money to. It was one of those things that was completely out of my control.

Dex picked me up afterward, patting my thigh as I threw my leg over the back of his bike. The ride to Pins was broken into pieces when he'd palm my leg at every stop light.  As soon as he'd parked his Dyna in his usual spot in front of the shop, he held out a hand to help me off—though he knew I didn't need it—and didn't let go.

I spotted the note on the door first. Dex’s eyes had been on the street, inspecting it up and down like he was looking for something, and I figured he’d crossed that path so many times he could have done it blindfolded. I tugged on his hand, earning those glowing blue embers in return.

“I swear I paid all the bills on time.” I shifted my eyes in the direction of the door with a tilt of my chin.

Dex’s attention shifted to the envelope that had been taped up. His strides got longer, making him pull me just a little as we closed the distance to his shop. He didn’t bother opening the door before tearing the blank white envelope across the top, yanking out an index sized card from inside.

The first sign I had that something was wrong was the flexing of a vein in his temple, then the corners of his eyes wrinkled, and finally his jaw clenched. He looked up and turned around, sweeping up and down the street in one glance. His grip tightened before unlocking the door and shoving me not so gently inside, locking it behind us.

“What happened?”

His eyes cut over to me, wide and battling some unknown war I had no clue of. I kind of expected him not to say anything, to keep me from worrying or something equally chauvinistic-like, but Dex shot me a hard look instead. “Shit’s up with The Reapers. I need to go talk to Luther, babe.”  His hand tugged on mine. “Lock the door after me, and don’t open it unless it’s me or one of the guys.”

Oh crap. I nodded at him. “What if you’re late?” It wasn’t unheard of for Blake to get to work fifteen or twenty minutes after opening.

Dex shrugged. “Don’t open it, Ritz. It's nothin' bad but I need to go see Lu.” He trailed his fingers over my knuckles. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

He left, leaving me to think about what Liam had said about the deadline for the revised debt. Friggin' crap. Why the heck were so many things out of my control? I wasn't a control freak but the complete absence of it was alarming and frustrating. Everything would hopefully work itself out once Sonny found our dad.

In hindsight, I should have known better than to ever assume that.

Chapter Thirty

There were very few things that ranked higher than calling Sonny on my list of things I didn't want to do.

Like getting my yearly pap.

Or having a root canal.

I’d even go as far as to say that I’d rather get an enema while stuck in a room with a flying roach.

For a few minutes in the break room, I'd even considered having a drink to relax me a little bit before facing the firing squad also known as my brother. But... yeah, no. No. I'd put it off for enough time. Now, with the note that had appeared on Pins' door, my time had run out.

The first thing out of his mouth after he picked up was, "I know your phone's not broken, kid."

I sighed. Of course this wasn't going to be easy. "I'm a big ol' chicken."

Sonny huffed. His tone was rough and straight to the point. "No shit."

"I'm sorry," I moaned pitifully. He had more than enough reasons to be mad at me for ignoring his calls but still. When Sonny was mad it was like having your guardian angel disappointed in you. It hurt. "I know I suck."

He huffed again. "The only thing that sucks is that you couldn't just call and tell me what you did. I had to hear it from Luther. Not you."

This conversation sounded remarkably like one I had with my mom when I forgot to take my medicine. Do you want to end up like me, Rissy? Obviously it was completely different subjects but the point was the same. I seemed to disappoint the people I loved the most sometimes.

And that...

Guilt and pain ripped at the cavern of my ribs.

"What pisses me off is that you lied to me, and then ignored me when I called to talk about it." Ugh, I felt even worse because what he said was mostly true. He would have been mad but maybe not as much?

Maybe. It was too late to even think about it though. The fact was, I'd been a coward and an asshole.

My head hung. "I really am sorry, Son. I just wanted to help, and I realized too late how stupid it was."

Sonny paused and the silence felt suffocating. "Kid, I get that you'd do something stupid if you thought it'd help. Trust me, I'd do dumber shit than that for you but you know, you know, how much it pisses me off when you keep shit from me."

"I know." There was no way my voice sounded as pitiful and crappy as I felt. Because he was right. We'd been through this before.

"Yeah, I know you know," he answered back gruffly.

The urge to say sorry again was right on my tongue but it wouldn't come out. I knew my brother. I knew my brother enough to not be surprised he was mad at me for keeping things from him, and I was well aware of the fact that the word 'sorry' meant nothing to him. Actions spoke louder than words, he'd probably say.

And I'd blown it, and then blown it again by fielding his calls.

"Did they tell you everything?" I asked him slowly. If there was something no one had mentioned before then there might be hope for the big pile of shit I'd dug myself into.

"I hope so. You went to Busty's, and that mother—Liam showed up, wanting you to go with him," he said. "Anything else?"

Was there a trace of a challenge in his voice?

Crap. I bit my lip and took a deep breath. If all my cards were on the line, I might as well drop the bomb too. There was a chance someone had already mentioned to him a part of whatever the heck was going on with Dex but if they hadn't....

Double crap.

"I don't really know for sure what's going on with me and Dex but—," but what? What exactly do you tell your older half-brother about having irrational feelings toward his friend? His friend that was your boss. His friend that he'd left you with. "I really like him and I'm pretty positive he feels the same... in his own way."

Just like a Band-Aid right?

Except there was more stunted silence on Sonny's end. At least a minute passed before he spoke again.

"Yeah, I know, kid. You're not the only one ignoring my calls." That didn't exactly surprise me. "I had a feeling it was headed in that direction but Dex knows what's coming to him as soon as we get back."

What was coming to him?

"Sonny, he's good to me—"

My brother laughed. "Oh, I'm sure he is."

Mortified. I was absolutely mortified. "Not like that!" Well, sort of like that after today.

"I know what you meant, Ris. I’m not blind," he bit back sharply. "I’m sure he's good to you, that's why I haven't driven back to beat his ass just yet. I'm saving it for after we get your dad. I'll give Dex that much until then. If he was Wheels or Buck, then that'd be a different story but I know him. Dex has more than enough phone numbers if he was just interested in playing around."

Ouch. Well. The truth wasn’t always made with stuffing and fur. "Don't be mad about that. It's not a big deal."

"He knows it's a big deal, and he knows what the consequences are. You're a big girl, Ris, so I'm not gonna tell you what to do. You might not trust me, but I trust you."

Shit. I was the second biggest piece of crap on the planet after my dad with that one line. But what could I say to make the situation better? Nothing. Absolutely nothing and I needed to live with that. "I do trust you, I promise. I don't trust anyone more than you."

He sighed. "I'm sure, kid."

I banged my forehead on the edge of the table. "All right."

Sonny didn't say anything else.

"Oh, and there was a note on Pins' door when we got here today." I went on to tell him what Dex had said, and then reminded him in case no one had told him about the deadline on the debt coming up.

"I got some intel on a few more places he could be staying at. Trip and I are heading up to northern Cali tomorrow to look. I'll call you if I find anything out," he promised.

"Okay."

He grunted. "See ya, Ris." Then, he hung up. Just like that.

And just like that, I felt like the biggest douche on the planet.

When was the last time Sonny had ever gotten off the phone with me in that way? Years? When he'd found out that the doctors had found more cells in my arm and I hadn't told him until my treatment was nearly over? In trying to spare him, wasn't I doing the same thing he'd done by not telling me about our secret little brother?

Eh. Kind of.

Okay, it was exactly the same. I'd thought I'd learned my lesson at nineteen but apparently not. The reality of it made me feel not just crappy but useless. All these people went through so much for me and I just sat at work or at Dex's house and betrayed them with my lies and bullshit. What kind of crap was that?

What could I do? This whole feeling helpless crap didn't sit well in my stomach. I'd never relied on other people, and I'd done what I needed to do to keep going for as long as I could remember.

It may have only been a few minutes that I sat there, staring at the table while I tried to figure out what I could do, when it hit me. Where this all stemmed from. What could fix the biggest issue. What I could do after doing nothing. If Dad wasn't where he'd lived for the past fourteen years, then why wouldn't he be where he'd lived before then?

Florida.

God. I'd been so stuck in my own world I hadn't even thought of it.

The clock on the wall said it was only a little after seven. If I got my work done fast, I could probably squeeze in a few phone calls to motels that were by where we used to live, or even by yia-yia's old house. It sounded a little too easy but then again, Curt Taylor had done a ton of dumb crap in his life. He wasn't exactly the brightest guy.

I went back up front and finished off a supply order, added the newest figures to Quickbooks, and made exactly two calls to motels that came up within ten miles of Tamarac when Dex pulled his bike into his usual parking spot.

The chances of my plan working were pretty slim but I figured it was worth the effort.

"I'm trying to get in contact with my dad," I told the employee. Liar! "He's staying at your hotel and isn't answering his cell phone. He's a diabetic and I'm really worried." I was going to hell for this. "Is there any way you can patch me through to his room?" I asked the lady on the other end of the line.

Luckily for me, the woman didn't hesitate as much as the man at the other motel had. "Sure. What's his room number, sweetie?"

I watched Dex through the door. Good lord, he was hot. "I don't remember what room he mentioned. I'm sorry. The reservation is under Curt Taylor."

There was no pause. No hesitation. She made a humming noise before making a squeaky noise that almost took away from Dex pulling the door to the shop open and coming in, giving me a tired but somehow beautiful smile. "Sorry honey. I don't have anything under that name. Is your mom with him?"

Ha. I wished. "That's weird. He might be with his friend. Let me try calling his cell again. I appreciate your help."

The lady bid me a good day, and I set the phone down on the cradle. Dex made his way around the desk, settling both palms on my shoulders

I tipped my head back and smiled. "Hi."

This slow, small smile crept across Dex's square jaw. God, he was so good-looking it sucked.  "Hey babe. What are you doin'?"

"Calling motels around where I used to live to see if I can find my dad," I explained to him. "I don't know why I didn't think about it earlier. He doesn't seem to be where Sonny's at, so maybe he went back there."

A small line creased his eyebrows as he wound my ponytail around his fist. "Good thinkin'. Might take a while to call a bunch of places, Ritz." He tugged on my hair just enough so that I felt it at the roots. "Lemme talk to Lu and see if he knows anybody in Florida that might help us out."

Us. The us didn't escape me for a second. My heart relished it and might have even tap-danced.

Focus! "You don't need to bother him. I don't mind calling."

Those dark blue eyes rolled back. "Babe, if I thought I'd be botherin' him—"

"You wouldn't ask?" I offered.

He snickered. "No, I'd still ask but I wouldn't have told ya in case he said no. For you and Son, he'd do it."

"Well, remind me to thank him even if he doesn't know anyone."

Dex nodded. His other hand left my shoulder to palm the back of my neck as he ducked low. "You feelin' okay?"

Oh my. How stupid was it that his question made me blush from my belly button all the way up? The worst part was that he could see it. I'd taken a painkiller earlier, and besides just a little bit of soreness that was way less bothersome than my period cramps, I was good. Real good.

"I'm okay." Real, real okay. "Is everything fine with the Reapers?"

His expression didn't flicker or cloud over with worry, which was a good thing. He settled for a confident nod that was only distracted by what seemed like an intense thought. "Got it all sorted out, babe. Don't need to worry about 'em anymore."

My eyes narrowed on their own, suspiciously. "What did you do?"

"You don't need to worry about 'em anymore. We dealt with 'em," he answered with complete seriousness.

"Please tell me you didn't do anything to get in trouble, Dex." I wrapped my hand around his wrist. "Please, please, please tell me that you didn't do anything stupid." A certain amount of dread settled on my shoulders. If he'd done something that would land him back in jail, I couldn't forgive myself. I definitely wouldn't be able to ever forgive my dad for it either.

That little smile stayed on his lips. "Nothin' like that, Ritz. I promise."

I wanted to doubt him but when had he ever given me a reason to? Never. But the dread stayed in place. "Dex," I pleaded with him.

He squeezed my shoulder. "Promise. Nothin' like that."

My expression must have said that I wasn't completely convinced because he snickered again, squeezing my shoulder.

"Ritz, trust me. Nobody's gettin' into trouble except your pa. You and Son are off the hook, but we still gotta find him and get him so he can deal with the fucks he's gotten wrapped up with."

"Okay." I couldn't say I was relieved exactly but as long as Sonny would be fine, then that's all that mattered. "Thank you for taking care of it for us. You didn't need to but it means a lot to me." And the words just poured out of my mouth, leaving me vulnerable. "You're kind of a blessing."

His smile turned weary and gentle, those bright blue eyes searching, searching, searching. Dex disentangled his fingers from their fist and pinched my chin. "Sure, babe."

I grinned at him again and pulled on his two middle fingers. "You have an appointment coming in soon."

He flipped his grip, rubbing my fingers between his fingertips. "I didn't forget." He looked around. "Blake here?"

"In the back." He'd gotten to Pins an hour late but that was our secret.

The poor guy had left his sunglasses on when he came in, only bothering to wave a greeting. There was something wrong but I didn't want to push him when he seemed like he needed space. And his sunglasses said exactly that.

Dex ran his fingers through my ponytail before disappearing down the hallway a minute later.

I worked the rest of the day setting up new accounts on a couple of social media websites that I thought would be a good idea to branch into. When I had the chance, I called one or two more places that had come up in the motel search. Regardless of whether Luther knew people who could help or not, I didn't want to rely on that. Anything was better than sitting around waiting for things to fix themselves.

It wasn't until a few hours later that Dex came and sat on the edge of my desk that he confirmed the offer of help. "Lu knows a couple of guys in a riding club close to Dade county. He says he'll call 'em tonight."

I held up my hand for a high-five. Dex looked from my outstretched hand to my face and back again. I wiggled my fingers. "Don't leave me hanging."

He shook his head, and friggin' finally slapped his palm against mine weakly.

Jerk. "I owe him big time," I said.

He gave me a small, amused smile. "Don't worry about it."

"I do. That's nice of him. He doesn't have to help us."

Dex raised both of his eyebrows. "He's sweet on you, and everybody knows he wishes Son was his kid instead of Trip."

It felt like half the ceiling came crashing down. "Uh, what?" Trip was his son? Trip was Luther's son?

No, no, no, no, no, no. Hadn't I been making faces and saying mean things about Luther at the bar when I'd been sitting with Trip? I had. Oh god, I had. Remorse flooded my stomach, making it bottom out. I rarely spoke badly about people and the one time I did, I did it in front of his son. Why?

"What? You didn't know that was his pa?"

"No!" Oh boy, I couldn't face Trip again. Ever. "I talked shit about how gross it was that Luther messed around with younger girls with Trip, Dex. I feel terrible."

What did he do? Assure me that it was fine? No, he laughed. Dex tossed his head back and laughed.

"And he even said that Luther messed around with girls younger than his son. Ugh." I moaned. "I'm such an idiot."

He laughed even harder, reaching out to pull on my hair. "It's fine, Ritz. Trip wouldn't say shit. It's not like he's crazy about his pa doin' that anyway, but that is funny as hell."

"They don't even look alike." They didn't. Trip was blonde and tall, and Luther wasn't as tall and he definitely wasn't blonde. And, and, Trip had these really strong, handsome features that his dad just... didn't.

"Nah. He looks more like his ma," Dex explained slowly. "Why do you think that Lu's lettin' them both be gone so long?"

It all made complete sense now, and I felt like a major jackass. Never again would I say anything mean about another person out loud, damn it.

Well, unless it was my dad.

I groaned at the realization. "I wish I would've figured that out before opening my big mouth."

Dex smiled, both of his eyes widening as he nodded. "Sometimes it takes everybody a long time to figure out what's in front of 'em, babe."

Ain't that the truth.

~ * ~ *

"Did you find out what your dad was calling for?" I asked Dex from over a bowl of veggie pad-thai.

He was digging a cut of chicken from his own bowl, a small crease lining his forehead at the question. "Yeah." He chewed thoughtfully until finally looking at me. We'd originally started sitting on opposite ends of the couch but over time, he'd scooted over to end up on the cushion next to mine. "Ma finally served him with divorce papers."

I almost spit out the noodles in my mouth. "Hasn't it been a really long time?"

Dex nodded, the look on his face as incredulous as the one on mine I could only assume. "Fourteen years. I've been tellin' her for fourteen years to lay his ass out but she kept blowin' it off."

"Why?" It took all of a split second to realize how much of a hypocrite I sounded asking that. Hadn't my own mom stayed married to a man that left her? Yeah, she had.

He shrugged but it wasn't casual. By the lines of his shoulders, it seemed like there was something about what Debra was doing that genuinely bothered him. "I've been tellin' her since I was a kid to divorce his worthless ass. And all this time she kept spewin' this ridiculous shit about marryin' under the eyes of God and promisin' to stick by him forever." He snorted at his bowl. "Bull fuckin' shit."

Oh lord. That sounded exactly like my own mom.

It felt so personal to admit that to him but then again, wasn't he telling me this out of trust? Didn't I owe him the same and more? "My mom used to say the same thing.  It drove me crazy. I mean, anybody would've been lucky to be with her, but she was so hung up on my dad. I didn't see a problem with it at first but after a while...after I saw how much it pained her...I didn't get why she wouldn't let go of him. Maybe I’ve blown it out of proportion but I don’t think you leave someone you love because you don’t like having responsibilities."

Dex nodded slowly, his eyes still down on his plate. "I know, babe. Trust me. I know. If my pa cared about anybody else half as much as he cared about himself, then all of our lives could’ve been a lot easier. Ma knows that but she kept holdin' on to those dumbass beliefs." He snorted. "And she doesn't even go to fuckin' church unless it's Easter or Christmas. It's stupid as shit."

I wasn't going to disagree with him.

"I used to think that if my mom would've gotten over my dad maybe she would've... I don't know. I always just thought that her being hung-up on him made her even sicker. But I'm glad your mom is at least doing something about it."

His face softened just a bit and he sighed. "Me too, babe. Pa's losin' his mind but he doesn't fuckin' get it. He's never gonna get it."

Another moron member of the Widowmakers. Go figure. Maybe it was just something with the older members?

I poked Dex in the hard muscle of his thigh. "Let me know if there's anything I can do for her. I can screen her phone calls if she wants." I smiled at him.

He snorted. "And hang up on my pa? I'd be all about that, honey."

I poked him again but this time he caught my finger in his fist. "I’m sure you would.”

He grinned. "Don't think anybody's ever hung up on him before but me."

"And you? Has anyone ever hung up on you?" I asked.

"Nope," Dex answered a little too proudly.

"There's always a first for everything."

When his grin grew a little too wide, a hint of lewdness crossing his eyes, I realized the interpretation he chose to pick up on my words and groaned.

"I know all about that, babe."

I made a face. "Shut up."

His laugh was louder than the movie playing on the television, and way more entertaining. "You gonna sleep with me tonight?"

The thought both scared and excited me, but it probably scared me more. "I don't know." I paused. "I talked to Sonny earlier and he wasn't exactly happy or mad when I told him that I...uhh...you know."

The jerk raised both his eyebrows. "No clue. What?" he egged on.

I rolled my eyes. “Are you ignoring his calls, too?"

Dex shrugged. "I don't need to talk to him to know what he's gonna say. I don't really give a shit what he wants."

That wasn't exactly surprising and it wasn't the first time he'd said the same thing.

"We'll deal with it when he gets back," he said. "You gonna sleep in my bed?"

Relentless. The man was relentless. That weird mix of excitement and fear flooded my stomach again. "I don't know. I kind of feel like I'm in over my head with you. Like I just learned how to swim and you want me to compete in the Olympics, and I don't want to disappoint you. Does that make sense?"

That handsome face turned serious. "Ritz, I might know what I'm doin' with you when you're in my bed or my office—"

Oh god. The mental picture of him with someone else in his friggin' office made my heart constrict. At the same time I had the urge to gag.

"But the rest of this is completely fuckin' new to me. I don't wanna run you off," he admitted.

I sighed and nodded, but there was something about his words that really stuck for the first time. "Why don't you know what you're doing? I figured you," my heart did that stupid clenching thing again, "get around. And you don't exactly seem like the long-term relationship kind of guy." I wanted to puke at the end of each of my sentences and by some miracle, I didn't.  "You're kind of old, Dex. It doesn't make sense."

"Old?" he coughed. I swear it seemed like his eyebrows managed to climb all the way up to his hairline in indignation.

I shrugged.

"I'm not old."

Oh boy. Of all the things for him to get hung up on, he got held up by the mention of his age. "Okay, you're not old. You're a spring chicken, whatever. The point is, why don't you have a girlfriend?" After the conversation we'd just had, wondering about a wife would seem preposterous.

He blinked. It took him so long to answer I thought he'd just ignore the question. He braced a hand on my knee, his skin hot. "I haven't exactly been lonely, honey."

I'd gotten stabbed. Stabbed by an invisible blade. I'm sure I made a noise that said just that. How immature was that? How pathetic?

The hand on my knee tightened, and I suddenly had the urge to whack it away. "Well. It's not like I didn't know that." But the verbal confirmation wasn't easy to swallow.

"Baby," he purred. "I could ask you the same thing.”

I shrugged. “I didn’t have time.”

He didn’t believe me. “Bullshit.”

“I didn’t.” And I didn’t care. In the last fourteen years, I’d only had a brief six month period when I didn’t have something or someone to worry about. It was fourteen years that I was grateful for, but… a break would have been nice. The one and only post-high school boyfriend I had consisted of a handful of last minute dates over the course of a few months. It wasn’t a surprise it didn’t work out between us.

“Keep tellin’ yourself that but you know that I know the truth. We’re the same, we’re both closed off. I only give a shit about very few things, and you don’t let anybody in because you’re scared. I have shit to do, honey. Why would I wanna waste more than a couple hours of my time?”

It annoyed the living crap out of me that I wanted to argue that point with him but I couldn’t. Deep down, he had a point. But I wasn’t about to acknowledge it or how he wasted hours of his time. Gag, gag, gag. I grit my teeth instead.  “I get it, Dex, the point is, I don’t get why me. We’re like oil and water.”

He made a tisking sound with his tongue. “You haven't been payin' any attention, have you?"

I groaned my response, earning a low chuckle.

He set the bowl in his hands aside and shifted over to drop a knee between my legs, straddling my thigh. Dex plucked the bowl from my hands and set it alongside his. He loomed over me, his gaze and face intent, taking my hand and placing it on his chest. "You gotta open those pretty eyes, baby. You're the only one here." He slipped his hand down the center of my chest, straight down to cup the zipper of my jeans. "And I’m sure your romance books will tell you exactly how I feel about me bein’ here.”

I'm pretty sure I wheezed.

"You understand me?" he purred.

The only thing I understood was that I was on the verge of having a heart attack.

His mouth touched the side of my neck. "Iris? You understand what I'm sayin'?"

No. No, I didn't. Not in any way.

Dex's teeth nipped at the same spot he'd kissed a moment before, making me gasp. "Iris."

I nodded, shaky and quickly. "Yeah, I hear you."

He hummed. "But do you understand?" Ohmigod. I could feel that hum all the way to my underwear. "You get it?"

I had to shake my head because the words wouldn’t come.

His nostrils flared. “First time in my life, I think I hate the fact you knew how to suck my dick,” he breathed. “Got this urge to kill whatever guy taught you how to give a blowjob. The fuckin’ idea of you kissin’ somebody else makes me wanna dig a knife into my eye. Let me tell you, babe, never in my life have a given a single fuck about any of that. You get it?” His palm pressed into my jeans harder. Then he laid the atomic bomb on my very existence. "You are not a waste of time to me."

Holy shit. Holy friggin' shit.

"Say it," he murmured into my neck.

“Say what?”

“Say you get it.”

I said it. Without a second thought even though a huge part of me was terrified. I said the three words because nothing and no one in the world had ever made me feel so grounded, so assured that I wouldn’t be forgotten or left behind. I mean, I know most things were out of a person’s control, but Dex happened to be the most controlling and overbearing man I’d ever met.

And a part of me recognized that I should run. That if I gave this man an inch, he’d take a mile. That if I agreed to this, it’d be the beginning of the end.

In his words, I didn’t give a single shit. I said them anyway.

"I get it."

He looked at me with those dark blue eyes as if he was waiting for me to admit something more. Something incriminating, vulnerable and maybe even painful, but I couldn't come up with anything that could be more of any of those things. It wasn't until later, after he promised that he really wouldn't do anything if I slept next to him, that I thought more about it.

I didn't really let anyone in. Ever. After my dad left, and I got sick, and my mom got sick, and... there was always something, something bigger that snowballed from the size of a raindrop into the size of a softball that made me more and more reserved around others. Even with Lanie, I still didn't fully embrace our friendship. How long had it been since I'd spoken to her? Months? If we were best friends, that shouldn't have happened, right?